04x02 - Christmas Special Part 2

[bunniefuu]

# Where does our love lie? # Hey, hey, hey

# In the middle of nowhere

# Will it soon pass me by? # Hey, hey, hey

# In the middle of nowhere

# Oh, baby, won't you tell me?

# What am I to do?

# I'm in the middle of nowhere

# Gettin' nowhere with you #

Where did my toast go?

What? I just buttered my toast.

I've got no idea.

We're almost out of cereal.

Oh, sorry. I'm sorry.

Thought you said something completely different.

Can you pass me a towel, please?

Oh.

There's your toast. Wa-hey! There it is.

Need to watch that.

Does anybody want a crisp? I don't like those. Too hard.

Man-boat. Ah! Man-boat!

And... pull!

EVERYONE: Ahhhh! And pull.

EVERYONE: Ahhhhhh!

Pull! Ahhhhh.

Ahhhhh! Pull!

Ahhhhhh.

Did they look at us? Forget it. They've gone.

Can I have a crisp, then?

Yeah, have one. Do you want the Haribo?

We'll see you in a few weeks. Thanks very much.

Is this free? Yes.

Could I register for a course?

Do you have the reference number?

I do. It's EF4, English as a Foreign Language.

Beginner's level.

Could I take your name? Yes. It's Jackie O'Farrell.

And the person taking the course?

Jackie O'Farrell.

Sorry. It's for yourself? Well, yes.

You are English. Well, I know that.

You speak English already, then.

Yes, but only English English. I don't know English as a foreign language.

There's been a misunderstanding... No. Listen, listen.

Foreign people can't understand me. I travel often, so it'll benefit them and me.

English as a foreign language is English.

That's not a problem.

Look, maybe, with the communication abroad thing

what you're looking for is a foreign language.

Don't tell me what I want. That is too difficult. I want to start with something easy.

You may find it of limited use,

given that you do already speak English.

I want to learn it as a foreign language.

English is just English. You could teach English as a foreign language.

Until I can speak English as a foreign language I can't teach it.

You can only learn English as foreign if you yourself are foreign to English.

Oooh... I'll do a Venn diagram.

Don't draw anything!

Do you do foreign as an English language?

Try Robin. He's in charge of that.

Er, E4. Jackie O'Farrell - two Rs, two Ls. >

# LATIN MUSIC

Excuse me. Would you open this book for me?

I'm all wet! I don't want to drip on your lovely book. Thanks awfully.

That's great. Thanks.

Sorry, do you mind...? Can you turn the page for me?

Oh, dear. All your lovely muscles.

Thank you. Super.

So much.

Yeah, I'm gonna take it. It's absolutely everything I needed.

Thank you.

I hate it when you go "What are you thinking?" and he goes "Nothing."

I just imagine awful stuff like naked Appletons or...

those tiny mechanical lap-dancing bears programmed to make him perv off like a ginky!

Or a porn version of Plunkett & Macleane where they flash their bits.

I'm looking for a man who'll tell me what he's thinking straight out

so this stuff's not in my head and I can act normal.

Who says romance is dead is bollocks!

I'm a girl who wants to be filled with f*ck.

I'm a f*ck sort of girl.

I've had much f*ck in this country. Not so much f*ck in Norway.

Luck! I mean luck.

f*ck!

No! I mean f*ck this time.

Ha!

CLATTER OF CROCKERY

What's the matter, sweetheart? Your starter not good?

No, yes, I'm just not very hungry.

Actually, I just wanted a little...

Chat? Little chat? Chitty-chat?

Break.

Yeah, we're not really... totally matched in anything, are we?

I don't think I'm into that whole commitment thing at this point.

Mmmmmmmmmmmm. Hey! Hey! Ssh. Sssh.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I thought we were getting on well. I really, really like you.

You know... It's me!

It's a guy thing. You're really pretty.

You make me laugh but, you know...

I want to stroll through the garden of life...

Ow! Ow! ..and taste some fresh fruit.

OWWWW! Hey.

OWWWWWWWWWW!

Wo!

AAOOOOOOOOO!

All right? Can I have a kitten?

Yeah. A... kitten.

Can I have your asparagus? Yeah.

Really good. Al dente.

That's actually part of the problem.

What?

That's really nice, isn't it? But I think it might rather overwhelm.

Hmm. These are nice, though.

Excuse me. Would you help me with my size?

I'm all wet. Would you mind awfully holding those up for me?

Thank you so much. Ah.

Could you pop them against me there?

Just to see...?

Yes, I see. Thank you.

Erm...

I told you not to do that.

Excuse me, would you mind holding this against my Wendy?

ON RADIO: "..coming up, the news, but first, Eva Cassidy."

# ..for you

# There'll be no crying

# For yo-o-ou

# The sun will be shining

# Cos I feel that when I'm with you

# It's all right

# You know it's right

# And the songbirds keeps singing

# Like they know the score

# And I love you, I love you, I love you

# Like never before... #

OVERWHELMING SOBBING

OK, guys. Three things to remember. Draw your finishes, tight catches,

and I love you, Jamie.

We'll do 1,000 up, 1,000 back. Let these pass and then go.

God. Shrimpy!

Oh, my God! I haven't seen you in ages.

We should have a drink or something. Let's meet upriver at the Old Ship.

Great. I'll just ask the others. Want to go for a drink?

Sorry. Who is this person? Woman? It's Katie.

Hi!

Oh. Oh.

"Love hammock" Katie. "Extra bendy" Katie. "No muff" Katie.

Katie, meet Paula. We're getting married.

I'll send you an invite. Oh, good. I love weddings.

We might not be having any exes at the wedding, unfortunately.

When did we decide that?

Is this Katie you never really ended with? It kind of fizzled out?

"Funny voices" Katie?

Nice to meet you, Paula. Is he still making you his famous smoothies?

Smoothy operator!

She's still got it.

Yes. Yes, he is.

So you made smoothies before me?

I made smoothies for lots of people.

What are you? A smoothy slag?

What about this drink? Shall we do it?

Say you can't go or I put the ring in the Thames.

Poodle, sorry. I can't go. It's a bit hectic.

Boo hoo. Now say that I didn't say so.

And tell her that you never fancied her and that she can get drowned...

You're being unreasonable. ..get paddled to death by ducks.

All of you could come, if you like.

Aaaaaaaargh!

AND PULL!

Not you.

Pull! You pull, but not her. PULL!

PULL! PULL! It's not a race.

I is coming to get you, Shrimpy! PULL!

I think we're winning.

Morning.

Hello, there. Haven't seen you around here before.

No, we strayed from our usual park. Looking for somewhere less muddy.

It's frightfully muddy over there.

A bit better over there. We'll try that. Lovely to see you.

Nice... nice dog!

Oh, he's ever so friendly. Like me!

Nice owner! Oh, bless you. Have a lovely day.

Morning. Morning.

I really like your buttons.

Erm, this is my boyfriend. Sorry, my ex-boyfriend.

I talk about him all the time, so I thought I'd do the video with him.

Then you can see what you're in for because he's a constant presence.

Kind of hovering...

Not physically hovering. I can't do that.

Stop it!

You're so funny. Get on with it.

Because I "pretend" I'm all right with the situation, he comes out with us a lot.

So you'll get to know him.

I am aware of it, so I'll do my best to stop you feeling uncomfortable.

The truth is, you have my deepest sympathy.

Please go out with me again. No.

Can we at least discuss it?

These are me babies.

Yeah, I've been there. I've done it. I've seen it.

I've tasted it. I've humped it. I've smelled it. I've dived with it.

I just want somebody who can fix my car.

Is this your first colonic irrigation?

Yes. I-I-It's the first. First. Hmmm. Right. Don't worry.

Bit of an odd sensation, but we're nearly finished.

Oh! Ah!

OK? Let's take a look. Thank you.

Ooh! Hmmm.

Anything the matter?

Bit of a mystery. Have you lost a scarf?

Erm... Matching hat?

Has it got a bobble? Hard to tell.

Erm, I don't think so.

Let me know if any mittens turn up. All right. Ready?

Please let them have an 8. Please let them have an 8. Oooh.

They probably will. It's not a popular size.

I'll look so feminino! She's coming, with a box!

We've only got them in a 7. Oh, NO! No, no, no!

Oh, no.

Why? I'll put them back.

No. Let me just...

No, don't. Let me try.

Leave it.

I can't leave it. I want these shoes!

Yeah! Yeah! Nice.

They don't fit you. You're in agony!

You could try a big man's boot.

Why are my toes so long? Why?

I always look like a man in big skis.

I'm going to cut my toes off. Don't do that.

Can I bite down on your arm?

I could see if another branch has got your size.

Oh, yes. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Takes about a week.

No. I want to wear them home. Put my shoes in a box... I'll wait.

There isn't a toilet in the shop. I don't mind.

Sorry. Or I could put your shoes in a box.

You could wear a kind of built-up Pop-sock.

No, no, not for me, thanks.

I'll just wait.

You look great!

OK, I is quite wound up, actually,

cos I is not allowed in da g*ng, apparently.

Because I is not street, apparently.

I've got news for you. I is street, actually.

So I is looking for a model/DJ/street figure

who is in da g*ng

to convince da g*ng that I should be allowed access.

Just cos I is an MP and is a bit weird.

I'm looking for a girl for friendship and, er, maybe m-more.

I do have a slight meta...

..morphis problem — I change, but not enormously.

Anyway, if you're interested in sl... or p-p-p... reading,...

..give us a ring.

So, I've got my white wine badge,

my Drambuie chaser badge,

my no sex badge,

my sacrificing my life for children badge.

I've got my being escorted home by police badge,

my breaking my cheek on a hat stand badge.

Enormous big buffalo coming round the mountain.

Long, long ago.

I do miss you, Buffalo.

Come back, Buffalo. I miss the good times, you know.

Oh, damn that Jennifer!

Damn her!

Teeny weeny buffalo going round the mountain.

I'm OK.

It's been really nice to meet you. Yeah. Is this...?

This is mine, yes.

I had a great time. So did I.

Erm, good night.

Good night.

Mwa! Mwa! Mwa! Mwwwa!

Blblblblblbe!

Oh, what's that? Bzzzzzzzz.

Bzzzzzzzzzzz.

Ha!

Ha-ha!

That's it. That's my whole bag of tricks.

So, I'm coming in for a c... No.

OK. Well... It's that way.

That's out of order. I didn't say a word to Jackie.

The only person I told was Peter. He bought them in the first place.

He didn't even check the date...

Boo! Would you like to dance?

I suppose so. Great.

Would you mind holding these?

It's just... I'm all wet.

Ow, you squeezed!

Careful.