01x05 - The Family Planning

[bunniefuu]

- [upbeat music]

- Stanley, my sister Ethel's due here any minute,

will you get that junk off the table?

- My mother's vase is not junk.

You don't like anything that comes from my mother.

- That's not true.

I got used to you, didn't I?

[audience laughing]

- Why can't you say how nice I glued it together?

Look, I bet you can't notice any difference.

- You're right, it's as ugly as ever.

[audience laughing]

Come on, Stanley, clean up that mess.

You know Ethel's coming to see the house,

and you know what a snob she is.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[audience laughing]

It's stuck.

- Oh no, I told you to be careful with that wonder glue.

Now it'll never come off.

[doorbell ringing]

There's Ethel.

I can hear her credit cards rattling.

[audience laughing]

Ethel.

- Helen.

[audience laughing]

- Welcome to our new home.

- And your old husband.

[audience laughing]

Hello, Stanley.

- Hi Ethel.

To what do we owe this unexpected pleasure?

- It's not unexpected.

- It's not a pleasure either.

[audience laughing]

- I hope you don't mind me parking my new Mercedes outside.

It's a 450.

- Big deal.

I paid $500 for my DeSoto.

[audience laughing]

- Well, what do you think of our new place, huh?

- Oh it's ah, it's ah,

different.

- Thank you.

- Small.

For Hubert and me, but it's perfect for you two.

- Oh.

- Well, I mean we entertain quite a lot,

and you don't have many friends, do you?

[audience laughing]

- We have enough.

- You know, actually, I think that it is going to be

very nice once you get a new paint job.

- It is a new paint job.

[audience laughing]

- Oh.

I didn't think they were still using this color.

[audience laughing]

- Ethel, can you see this?

- Why of course, why?

- Well you're so busy looking down your nose

I didn't think you could see anything in front of you.

[audience laughing]

- Well, what's gotten into him?

- Oh, you know, mama's coming today to stay a week,

and that always upsets Stanley.

- Really?

My Hubert gets along with her very well.

- Well your Hubert's used to older women.

[audience laughing]

- That's good Helen,

viscous but good.

- Thank you.

[audience laughing]

- Now there's one little thing

that I should tell you about mother,

she's sort of living in the past.

- I don't blame her, it's cheaper.

Anyway, I'm glad mama's coming to visit.

I don't like the idea of her being alone so much.

- You know Hilda had her for a week last year,

and she says the poor dear

is really getting very forgetful.

- Well our sister's a fine one

to talk about being forgetful.

She's got five kids

and she's supposed to be on the pill.

[audience laughing]

- Five and a half, the drug store was closed again.

[audience laughing]

- Here's your bread, Ethel.

- Bread?

What am I supposed to do with these?

- Put 'em in your mouth

and make a tongue sandwich.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

- Anne.

- Hi.

- Anne.

Look at this.

- Oh, I didn't know you like candy apples.

- I don't,

especially in the glove compartment of my car.

[audience laughing]

- I don't blame you for not liking that one,

it's covered with lint.

- That's not lint,

it's what's left of my registration.

[audience laughing]

Where is David, I want to talk to him.

- Not now, he's a little upset.

He got a black eye at school today.

- You mean, you mean

he's been fighting?

My boy.

[audience laughing]

Oh, I hope he clobbered that other kid.

- No, he lost.

- Anne, you know how I disapprove of fighting.

Now who was it?

- He won't tell me.

- Oh.

- Hi dad.

- Hello there solider.

Everything all right?

- I've got a black eye.

- Oh boy, you sure do, son.

Now David, David I don't want you to feel bad

about your letting me down by not winning today,

because son, I can imagine that your opponent was what,

he was twice your size, the big bully.

- No, smaller.

- The little bully.

Who was it?

- Leslie Wilson.

- Uh huh.

Well David, first thing tomorrow

mommy's gonna go out and buy a pair of boxing gloves.

- To hit Leslie Wilson?

- No, David, I think it's time that someone,

someone finally taught you how to box.

Jab, jab, jab.

- Who do you think we can get, daddy?

[audience laughing]

- Me, me David, me.

Now I don't wanna brag lad,

but I did a little boxing in college,

I'll give you a few pointers

and then you'll be able to go out

and destroy Leslie Wilson.

- But you told me never to hit girls.

[audience laughing]

- Girls?

You mean to tell me that Leslie is a...

Don't worry, David, a few lessons from me--

- And you'll be able to beat up any girl in your class.

[audience laughing]

- David has got to learn how to defend himself.

- Okay, but take it easy,

and don't hit him too hard.

- I won't.

- I was talking to David.

[audience laughing]

- Will you stop pacing, you're making me nervous.

- Well I can't help it.

My own sister,

and she wouldn't even stay

to see the rest of the house.

What's the point Helen,

it's just more of the same,

only it's upstairs.

[audience laughing]

She makes me so mad.

- Will you stop thinking about your sister,

and start thinking about how I'm gonna get this vase

off the table?

- Why don't you sue a hammer.

[audience laughing]

- That would break it.

- I know.

[doorbell ringing]

- Your mother's here.

- How can you tell from a doorbell?

- It had a nasty ring to it.

[audience laughing]

- Mama.

- Hello darling.

[laughing]

It's so good to see you.

- Such a long time.

- I know.

You're looking awfully well, Ethel.

- I'm Helen.

- Of course.

Now where are the children?

Bring them to see granny.

- You're thinking of Hilda, mama.

- Oh.

- We've certainly been looking forward

to your visit, haven't we dear?

- Oh, yeah.

- Well, well, well if it isn't Hubert.

- That's right, it isn't Hubert.

[audience laughing]

It's Stanley.

- Oh.

- Stanley, would you go out

and get mama's bags

and pay for the cab, please?

- My mother takes a bus.

[audience laughing]

- Well now.

- Ooh, it's so good to be here.

- How are you feeling?

- Wonderful.

I've got a new doctor,

and he wants to put my leg in the medical journal.

- Oh, that's nice.

- He says there's only one other leg like it

in the whole country,

and I've got that one too.

[audience laughing]

- You know what the cab cost, $19.75.

And on top of that the guy expected a tip.

Look at this, it's all I got left from a 20.

- Oh thank you, Hubert.

- It's Stanley.

- Stanley, yes, Stanley paid for the cab.

- Oh no, Stanley would never do that,

he's too cheap.

[audience laughing]

- Well I'll go see about dinner mama.

- Helen, wait a minute.

- You entertain mama, Hubert.

[audience laughing]

- How do you like this?

It's for Hilda's new baby.

She's got five lovely children.

Wouldn't you like to have one?

- Why, is she giving them away?

[audience laughing]

- Would you like to see my leg?

- What?

- It's in all the medical journals.

[audience laughing]

- Oh no,

look what you did.

- I'm sorry.

- Sorry.

- Don't be sorry, it's a big improvement.

[audience laughing]

Dinner's almost ready, mama.

I've got some nice boiled fish for you.

- Don't I smell lam chops?

- Yes.

- Well I'd rather have one of those.

- Oh, okay, you can have mine.

- Good thinking, Helen.

- And I'll have yours, you can have the fish.

[audience laughing]

- This is gonna be one hell of a week.

[audience laughing]

- Breakfast is ready.

- About time.

- Oh no, no, no, not for you, Stanley, for mama.

You know she likes to eat breakfast alone.

- You know I'm not too crazy about eating with her either.

[audience laughing]

False teeth clicking away.

[audience laughing]

It's like sitting next to a time b*mb.

- It hasn't been easy for me either you know.

- Yesterday she used my toothbrush

to put on her mascara.

- I know it's annoying, Stanley,

but after all she is my mother.

- Yeah.

- And look at the bright side,

her week is up tomorrow.

- Yeah.

[audience laughing]

- Good morning children.

- Oh, good morning, mama.

I never slept so well as I do here.

I'm having a marvelous time.

- So are we, mother.

It's a shame you're going home tomorrow.

- I'm not going home.

- What? - what?

[audience laughing]

- Didn't I tell you,

I've sold my house.

I'm never going back there again.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

- Hey, I know what.

I'll call the whole family over here for a meeting.

- Meeting?

It'll be more like the fight of the century.

[audience laughing]

- Okay, good solider.

That a boy.

Keep 'em coming.

David, David, don't forget to use your feet.

- You mean I can kick you?

- No.

[audience laughing]

no, foot work,

or in my case knee work.

[audience laughing]

I want you to grow up

to be able to fight back.

- You mean you want me to grow up

to be like Leslie Wilson?

- No, no, David.

Now try and catch me with my guard down.

Good, good.

A few more lessons like this,

and you'll never have to worry

about being bullied at school.

- No, you can be bullied at home instead.

End of round 37.

- Well I'd hardly say that,

hoy, ooh.

[audience laughing]

- I caught him with his guard down.

[audience laughing]

- Won't you sit down.

Hubert, Ethel, glass of wine?

- Oh, is that the same wine you serves us last time?

- Yes.

- No thank you.

- I'll have a scotch and soda.

Hold the soda.

[audience laughing]

- Now is Hilda gonna be in on this--

- Family conference, yes, yes, she is.

- What about fertile Freddy?

[audience laughing]

- Well I'm sure that she'll bring her husband along too,

well I think.

[doorbell ringing]

Ooh, there's Hilda now.

Hilda.

- Hi.

- [Ethel] Hilda, hello.

- Ethel.

- Well there you are, big as ever.

[audience laughing]

- Come on, sit down.

- Look at them, it looks like the first scene

out of Macbeth.

[audience laughing]

All they need is a bubbling cauldron.

- What was that, Hubert?

- Oh, I was just saying dear

it's been a long time since this family's gotten together,

hasn't it, Stanley?

- Yeah, that last time was a lot of fun.

We had a few drinks and a few songs.

Your mother really had a lot of laughs.

When was that?

- It was father's funeral.

[audience laughing]

- You didn't bring Frederick, dear?

- No,

he's a little tired.

- That's understandable.

- But he sends his love.

- Yes, we can see that.

Anyway, now that we're all together,

I wanna start the--

- [Mama] [indistinct]

- Ooh, there's mama.

- Ooh, what a lovely surprise.

Hilda and Helen and Ethel

and Stanley and Frederick.

- He's no Frederick.

[audience laughing]

- And you've all come to see me.

- Yes, mama, isn't that nice?

And now that they've seen you,

Stanley is gonna take you over

and show you the recreation room.

- I am?

I am, I am.

[audience laughing]

Come on mother.

- Ooh, bye bye.

- You can't blame David, Jeffrey,

you did ask him to try and hit you.

- Not when I wasn't looking.

[audience laughing]

How does it look now?

- It looks kind of cute.

You look like half a panda.

[audience laughing]

- Now be careful, careful.

- Oh, oh, you poor baby.

- Yes.

- This is our hot tub.

This is where people come to--

- I can see what they come to.

- These are our neighbors, the Brooks'.

- Nice to see you.

[audience laughing]

- That's a beauty.

The little woman being beating you up?

[audience laughing]

- Roper.

- Hey, I got a good excuse for you,

just tell everybody your little boy did it.

[audience laughing]

- He did do it.

- Yeah, see, just like that.

[audience laughing]

How about a little pool, mother in law?

- Well, I didn't bring my swim suit.

- No, no, I mean here.

- Ooh, why how lovely.

- What do you say, $10 a game,

just to make it interesting.

- For money?

- Oh, all right.

[audience laughing]

eight ball, one and 15 in the side pockets, I'll break.

[audience laughing]

- I think you played this game before.

- Yes, I had a misspent youth.

He was the one who taught me.

- That you remember.

- Oh, I've had a good life.

Seen all my daughters happily married,

except for Helen, of course.

[audience laughing]

You scratched the eight ball,

you owe me 10 bucks.

[audience laughing]

Oh those girls think the world of me, you know.

- Sure.

They're busy thinking the world of you right now.

- No they're not,

they're in there fighting over me,

about where I'm going to live.

What they don't know is

I'm going to a far, far better place.

- Yeah, but that not might be for years.

[audience laughing]

- I mean New Zealand.

- Where?

- New Zealand, my brother Arthur,

he invited me to come and live with him.

He sent me the ticket,

and I accepted.

- Really?

How come you never mentioned this before?

- Well, I was afraid it would upset the girls.

- Upset 'em?

They'd be delighted.

[audience laughing]

And upset.

I better go tell the girls

about this sad party.

Brooks, keep an eye on mother, will you?

- What?

- Your good one.

[audience laughing]

- You must learn to defend yourself.

Take up boxing.

[audience laughing]

- I don't see why I have to have.

- This is our mother we're talking about.

She's given us the best years of her life.

And I don't know about you,

but I feel so ashamed.

- Good, then you take her.

[audience laughing]

- No, you take her.

- You take her.

- I don't think Frederick would like another mouth to feed,

he's not too happy about--

- Hold it, hold it.

[audience laughing]

Now I have listened more in sorrow than in anger

to this sad, sad spectacle.

A family divided against itself.

[audience laughing]

- Oh God, he's drunk.

[audience laughing]

- Please, please.

There's more to life than material possessions.

There's charity, love and the pursuit of happiness.

We hold these truths to be self evident.

- What are you trying to say, Mr. Lincoln?

- I'm saying that I am willing to have my mother in law

stay in my humble home for as long as she pleases.

[audience laughing]

[applauding]

- Oh, Stanley, I am so proud of you.

- Well I've never been more ashamed in my life.

- Me either.

Fighting about where mother should live.

- We were all guilty, until Stanley showed us the way.

- I'm just that kind of guy.

- Of course we never would have had this problem

if mother had gone to stay with Arthur in New Zealand.

- No.

- What was that?

- Uncle Arthur, he sent her a ticket

and she was all set to go to New Zealand when he died.

[audience laughing]

- He what?

- 20 years ago.

[audience laughing]

- Oh my God.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

[upbeat music]