01x06 - Opportunity Knocks

[bunniefuu]

[whimsical jazz music]

- Well, it looks like none

of the neighbors are coming to my brunch.

- That's terrible.

After you prepared all that food.

- Uh.

Maybe they were all on a diet [laughing].

[audience laughing]

Who am I kidding?

They just didn't wanna come.

- Maybe you wrote the wrong date

on the invitations.

- No.

No, I said Helen Roper will be at home

on Saturday morning the 23rd.

One of them wrote back and said so will I.

[audience laughing]

[doorbell ringing]

Ooh, there's some of them now.

There, you see Ann, I told you not to worry.

- I can't help it.

- I'm so excited.

Welcome, wel-

[audience laughing]

- What's all the fuss, I live here.

- Stanley, I'm expecting company.

I told you to stay outside and wash the car.

- You'd like all our neighbors

to think I'm your chauffeur, wouldn't you?

I came in for a cup of coffee.

- Well, I was gonna bring you one

when all of them had left.

- All.

[audience laughing]

You're the only one who showed up, right?

- Well, yes.

- See out of 40 invitations.

I told you all our neighbors were stuffed shirts, didn't I?

All of them.

- Thank you.

- Except you, you're different.

You don't have a stuffed shirt.

[audience laughing]

- Stanley, did you finish washing the car.

- All but the rusty parts.

- That's most of the car.

- I'll get to it, give me a chance, give me a chance.

- Well, Helen, I hate to be the first one to leave,

but I told you I couldn't stay, didn't I?

- Oh, yeah.

- Jeffrey's home for lunch.

- I know, I know Ann.

Thanks for coming by, I really appreciate it.

- Well, it was my pleasure.

- Bye.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Helen.

- Now, Stanley, don't you say anything.

Don't you make fun of me.

- I wouldn't do that.

I feel twice as bad about this as you do.

- Do you really?

- Yeah, I spent a lot of dough on that food.

[audience laughing]

- 40 invitations and only Ann showed up.

What's wrong with me Stanley.

- I'll tell you later.

You got enough on your mind right now.

[Helen crying]

Aw, don't let those snobs get you down Helen.

Remember this, you still got me.

[Helen crying]

- Coffee will be ready in a few minutes.

- Good.

So, how'd it go at Mrs. Roper's?

- Oh, it was a disaster.

I was the only one who showed up.

- Well, Ann, what did you expect?

Mrs. Clifford had her brunch at the same time.

- I didn't know that.

- There was no contest.

The wife of the city councilman

or the wife of the local dropout.

[audience laughing]

Where's David?

- Outside helping Mr. Roper wash his car.

- That is not a car.

[audience laughing]

Car's move.

[audience laughing]

That thing's got moss on the tires.

Lowers the tone of the whole neighborhood.

- You're exaggerating again.

- Exaggerating?

I'm exaggerating?

It'll be stuck out there forever.

Rotting.

Rusting.

It'll get mice.

[audience laughing]

Decent people will leave the neighborhood,

riff raff will move in.

There's going to be graffiti all over the walls.

- You look very handsome when you're upset.

- I'm going to bring this up

at the next meeting of the homeowners' association

and do I?

[audience laughing]

Do I really?

- Hi, Dad.

- Hello there little fellow.

- Mr. Roper says he's gonna buy

a dog with a nodding head.

- You see?

[audience laughing]

A dog with a nodding head?

- For the back window of his car.

- Mm-hmm.

Drink your juice David.

You have to be a strong healthy boy

when you're living in the ghetto.

[audience laughing]

Look at this.

Unemployment's up to 7 percent.

- 7 percent?

- That's two points from March.

As if things weren't bad enough,

Debra quit today.

- The file clerk in your office?

- Mm-hmm. - The thin one?

- She used to be.

Thin, I mean.

She's P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T.

- Not surprised.

She was S-E-X M-A-D.

- Well, it's damned inconvenient.

- What's pregnant?

[audience laughing]

- That's, that's a word David.

It's a word and it means that she is growing

a baby in her tummy.

- Can I play with him? - No.

[audience laughing]

- No, no, not yet because you see,

he, um, uh, drink your juice David.

- Okay.

What's sex mad?

[audience laughing]

- Well.

Go ahead.

Tell him.

- That's uh, that's uh, that's one of those words David.

It's, uh, one of those words you'll understand

when you're much, much older.

- Bravo.

- So, what are we learning

at school this week little fellow?

- Nothing much.

Just about nature and the reproductive process.

- Good, good.

They're giving him sex instruction.

- It's only the life cycle of a tadpole.

- He's only five. - Seven.

- That's right, he's seven, he's only seven.

- Was ever a tadpole?

- No.

He's a very impressionable age.

He'll probably grow up and have an affair with a frog.

[audience laughing]

[Helen sniffing]

- Cheer up, Helen.

Don't let those snobs get to you.

- I can't help it.

They hate me.

- They don't hate you Helen.

- They don't?

- No, they just don't wanna have anything to do with you.

[audience laughing]

- Thanks a lot.

[doorbell ringing] - Oh, you don't have

to thank me.

That's what a husband is for to cheer his wife up.

[audience laughing]

- Hi.

- Hi.

Helen, look who's here, it's Larry.

- Larry?

- Larry from our old building.

- Hi, Mrs. Roper. - Larry!

- Oh, Larry!

Oh, it's good to see you.

- Good to see you Lar.

- You were never this happy to see me

when I was your tenant.

- When you had the rent I was.

[audience laughing]

- Sit down Larry.

- Wow, gosh.

- How's everything down at the used car lot?

- Oh, just great.

As a matter of fact, I just delivered a lemon,

uh, car around the corner,

so I figured I'd drop in, say hello

and see your new house.

- So, how are the kids?

- Oh, fine, fine.

Janet's working hard as ever

at the flower shop.

- Jack is thinking of buying a motorcycle.

- With a side saddle.

[audience laughing]

- And Chrissy?

How's Chrissy?

- Frankly, I'm worried about her Mrs. Roper.

She keeps on making the wrong decisions.

Last night for instance,

she turned down a terrific offer.

- From who?

- Me.

So how are things with you?

- Oh, they're-

- Great, great, just great.

- Ha!

- It's a lovely spot here.

- Ha!

- See, Helen has this terrible cough.

- Ha!

- See what I mean.

[audience laughing]

Come on Larry, I'll show you the rest of the place.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

Well, it's nice seeing you again Mrs. Roper.

- Yeah, nice see, thanks for dropping in

and say hello to the kids.

- Will do, bye-bye.

- Bye Larry.

- Wait till you see this Larry.

This is our hot tub.

- Who's she?

The heater?

- This comes with the house.

We share all the facilities.

- Really?

Are there any guest privileges.

Hello there.

- Hi.

- See, but Helen's not too happy here.

- Yeah, I noticed she was kind of upset.

What seems to be the trouble?

- The neighbors.

See, I'm the kind of guy,

I can get along anyplace.

But you know like the poet says,

if you can walk with kings

and never lose the common touch.

- That's very true Mr. Roper.

There's something very common about you.

[audience laughing]

- Right, right.

See and everybody knows it.

But Helen's like a fish out of water.

- Mm.

It surprises me.

All the girls, I mean all the people around here

look very friendly.

- I should have done what I wanted

to do in the first place.

Buy a mobile home.

- You're interest in a mobile home?

What a coincidence.

My boss has one he's trying to unload.

I mean, I think I could persuade him

to sell it cheap to the right buyer.

- Is it a good sight?

- Oh, I can safely say it's a sight.

[audience laughing]

- You see what I'd like to do

is sell this joint, buy a mobile home

and then I'd never have to work again.

- What wonderful thing to do for Mrs. Roper.

- Yeah, it would be, wouldn't it.

Come on, I'll show you the rest of the place.

- Oh, no, no thanks.

I kind of like what's showing right here.

Hi.

- Hi.

[audience laughing]

- My name's Larry.

I'm a talent scout for MGM.

[Larry roaring]

- Oh, oh, Ann.

I was just coming over to your place.

I had a few hundred sandwiches left over

so I thought maybe you could use some.

- Oh, thank you.

Oh, Helen, you don't have to feel too bad

about nobody showing up.

I just found out that Mrs. Clifford

was having her brunch at the same time.

- Ms. Clifford, the city councilman's wife?

- Yes.

- The secretary of the Nixon was misunderstood committee?

Yes.

- You see everyone was at her house,

so that means that people weren't snubbing you.

- That's right.

It just means they like Mrs. Clifford better than me.

Oh, that's wonderful.

[audience laughing]

- Yes.

Yes, I do agree that our advertisement described

the house as being on the lake and not in it.

But that happens what, once, twice a year and hello?

Hello?

[audience laughing]

What do they expect for $300,000.

Ms. Frazier, you may let the Shah of Iran in now.

[audience laughing]

Hello, Roper.

As you can see, I am quite busy at my work now.

- I know-

- And if you wanna borrow my electric hedge cutter,

you have to wait till you give it back to me.

- Well, I was gonna get it fixed first.

Listen, how much can I get for my house?

- What do you mean you're gonna get it fixed?

[audience laughing]

You're, you're selling your house?

- Well, I've been thinking about it.

- You mean, you mean you're moving.

- Well, I might.

I depends on how much money I can get.

- Lots, lots, how about a drink old pal.

- See, I was thinking I'd be much happier

in a mobile home.

- You would, you would.

One of those lovely mobile homes way off in the desert.

- Listen, how much commission.

- None, none, in your case none.

I'll put your house on the market right away

and with any luck at all I'll have you out in a week.

[audience applauding]

- Yeah.

Yeah, this is me.

Oh, hi Brooks.

- Well, good news Roper.

What?

No, I still want you to return my hedge cutter.

No, it's about your house.

I've got a delightful couple here

who are very interested in viewing your property.

A Mr. and Mrs. Williams.

- Today?

But I, I, I.

Yeah, I guess that'll be all right.

Yeah, 3 o'clock?

Fine, 3 o'clock.

- Who was that?

- Oh!

Wrong number.

People just called for a time check.

That's why I gave it to him.

- But it's only 12 o'clock.

- Yeah, here.

But they were calling from New York.

- For the time?

- Helen, how'd you like to go

to the movies this afternoon?

- Oh, Stanley.

Oh, Stanley, you know that we haven't been

to the movies in the afternoon since we were dating.

Remember?

- Yeah.

- We were the only couple in our crowd

who didn't get a tan that summer.

[audience laughing]

- There's an Oscar winner at the Roxy.

- Oh, who cares what the picture is.

Come on, let's go.

- Oh, I can't go.

You go see it.

If you like it, I'll go see it later.

[audience laughing]

- Stanley, one of these days I'm gonna-

- Just want to make you happy.

- Yeah, well, I'm going out.

I've got some shopping to do.

[door slams]

- That's even better.

- Mom, when am I gonna have a baby brother?

- I don't know.

- Why don't you go to the doctor to buy one?

- Because that's not how you get babies.

- I know that.

- Oh, you do, do you?

So, how do you get babies.

- Don't you remember, you have to lay an egg.

[audience laughing]

- Oh, there you are Ann.

Oh, and cute little David.

Look at those cute little dimples.

- I think I'll go ride my bike.

- I missed you at my little brunch Ann.

- Oh, well, that's because I didn't get

an invitation, Mrs. Clifford.

- What?

Well, I know I sent you one.

It must have gotten lost in the mail.

- Oh, that's okay.

I'd already promised

to go to Mrs. Roper's brunch.

- Oh, is that your new neighbor?

- Oh, yes.

And you should meet her.

I think you'd like her.

- I must drop in sometime and say hello.

- Oh, she'd like that.

- We must involve her in the community, Paul.

- Mm.

I'm chairing the committee

for the repairs to the church roof.

Perhaps I can persuade her to sit on it.

[audience laughing]

- Oh.

Hello.

- Brooks, you're president of the homeowners' association.

You've got to do something about the mailman.

- Some mailmen are moving in?

- I'll explain it to you later.

- Oh.

- Was I expecting you home so soon?

- No, I just brought some people over.

They're looking at Roper's house.

- What for?

- That was the upstairs.

Now we're back downstairs.

In the downstairs.

[audience laughing]

See everything above the ceiling is upstairs.

This is downstairs.

- Yeah.

You gonna leave the carpets and the drapes?

- No.

- Thank God for that.

- Can you hear the neighbors through the walls?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, some nights

it's better than the TV.

No, I mean actually you can't hear a thing.

- How about the garbage?

- Oh, don't worry about that,

we're gonna take that with us.

[audience laughing]

And over there's the kitchen.

Go in there, take your time, look around.

- Helen, you're home early.

Let me give you a hand with that sweetheart.

- Sweetheart.

What are you up to Stanley?

- Me?

Nothing, nothing.

- Who are those people?

- What people?

- In the kitchen.

- People in the, oh, those people.

They're just people.

It's a man and his wife.

Just dropped in to say hello.

- Oh, that's wonderful.

There you see, Stanley,

all of our neighbors aren't stuffed shirts.

- Helen, Helen!

- Welcome!

Welcome.

- Very nice of you to come.

- How nice to meet, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, Stanley, where are your manners?

Please, won't you sit down.

Sit down, please.

So nice of you to call.

- Not really.

We just wanted to look around your house.

- Oh?

- You can't tell from the outside, can you?

- Well, no, I suppose you can't.

Can't tell what?

[audience laughing]

- Well, for instance, your bedroom

doesn't have very much closet space.

- My husband showed your our bedroom.

- Just being neighborly, that's all.

- Bathtub's a little small for me.

- You took a bath?

[audience laughing]

- We really shouldn't keep these nice people.

- You know the ceiling has some very nasty cracks in it.

- Oh, does it really.

- If the kitchen were a little bit bigger,

but frankly, I really don't like these houses.

- Neither do I.

- Well, I don't like you either.

- Well, they must be going.

Really, thank you so much for coming.

Really appreciate it.

- You know, it would look so much better

with our furniture in it.

- What?

- Absolutely.

I'm sure your furniture will be terrific in here.

It'll fit very nicely.

Keep in touch.

We're listing, you know.

Nice couple.

- Nice.

Did they say where they lived?

- Santa Barbara.

- Santa Barbara.

[doorbell ringing]

And they came all this way just to say hello.

- Oh, hi Ann, come on in.

- Thank you Helen.

I just wanted to stop by

to tell you how sorry I am

that we aren't going to be neighbors anymore.

- You're moving?

- No, no, you are.

- What did you say?

- Well, Mr. Roper's had your house on the market.

He's been showing it to buyers.

- He's what?

- "Family Feud", then "Death in the Afternoon."

- Stanley. - What?

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

- "Highway Patrol."

We don't have to see it again.

- You've been trying to sell this house

behind my back.

- What I did was I put it on the market

just to see what it was worth.

- How many people have you had poking around my house?

Sneering at my ceiling,

insulting my furniture.

[doorbell ringing]

Well, it's gonna stop.

- Helen, I didn't mean anything by it.

- Oh!

- It's all your fault.

- I'm sorry.

- Mrs. Roper?

- Yes!

- We should have telephoned first, but-

- You don't think you're gonna come in here

and ridicule my furniture.

- We only want to-

- And tell me my bathtub is too small

and go sneaking around in my bedroom.

- Hardly-

- You just go be sneaky in your own bedroom.

[audience applauding]

The nerve of some people.

- Helen, they didn't come to look at your house.

They came to meet you.

- What?

- That was Councilman and Mrs. Clifford.

[audience laughing]

- Oh, no!

Stanley.

[audience laughing]

- Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Remember Helen, I'm a veteran.

- Oh!

[audience applauding]

[whimsical music]