02x02 - Days of Beer and Rosie

[bunniefuu]

[goofy music]

- Well, what's the problem?

- I'm gonna lose all my friends.

- Why?

- 'Cause my father wants to send me to private school.

- Oh, that's bad.

You know, kids who go to private schools

turn into stuffed shirts.

- What's a stuffed shirt?

- Ask your mother, she's got one.

[audience laughing]

- Can I have some of your beer?

- I don't think so David.

Beer's a man's drink.

- We're having a man to man talk, aren't we?

[audience laughing]

- Well, I guess a little sip wouldn't hurt.

Hey, you're not driving, are you?

[audience laughing]

- That's good.

[audience laughing]

- Yeah, see the beer'll help k*ll the taste of the fish

that I'm having for lunch.

- I hate fish.

When my mom makes fish, I tell her I have a tummy ache,

so I won't have to eat it.

- Oh really?

Helen? [audience laughing]

I better skip lunch.

I got a tummy ache.

- Get in here, Stanley.

[audience laughing]

- It doesn't work for me either.

[audience laughing]

- Anne?

Anne.

I am so excited.

- Oh, Jeffrey.

It's only one o'clock.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

That's not what I'm excited about.

Wait until you hear.

- I'm waiting.

What is it?

- Well, I, I, I, I, I, I.

I just spoke to Mrs. Holly.

Holly, Holly, Holly, Holly, Hollings,

Hollingsworth,

of the Pringle Academy.

And she's agreed to come over and interview us tomorrow.

- Oh, Jeffrey.

I'm not sure I want David to go to a private school.

- Anne, Anne, it is very important

that we get David into the proper environment.

- Dad, I've just been over at the Roper's.

- And the sooner, the better.

[audience laughing]

- Mr. Roper says people who go to private school

become stuffed shirts.

- Oh, that's ridiculous.

I went to private school.

[audience laughing]

- Dad, can we have a man to man talk?

- Why sure, son.

- Good.

Mom, could you get us a couple of beers, please?

[audience laughing]

- Actually, I'd prefer a glass of white.

[audience laughing]

What did you say?

- Mr. Roper gave me some when we had our man to man talk.

- Did you hear that?

Beer.

He gave our son beer.

- Regular or light?

[audience laughing]

- Anne.

- I wish ice cream soda was a man's drink.

He gave beer to my son.

- Oh, Jeffrey, I'm sure. Mr. Roper didn't mean any harm.

- Didn't mean any harm?

What sort of degenerate

would give beer to an eight year old?

- He's only seven.

- That's even worse.

[audience laughing]

- Come on, Brooks.

What's wrong with giving your kid a little beer?

- Everything. [Jeffrey banging table]

[Mr. Roper hitting pool ba*ls] [audience laughing]

And while we're at it,

no more talk about private schools.

I don't want strangers filling David's head

with ridiculous ideas.

I'm his father, that's my job.

[audience laughing]

- Excuse me, I'm looking for Stanley Roper.

- I hope you've got a warrant.

[audience laughing]

- Excuse me, I'm looking for Stanley Roper.

- Why?

[audience laughing]

- Well, it's sort of personal.

- You can tell me.

I know him very well.

- Oh really?

Boy, I bet he's some kind of guy.

I've been wanting to meet him for years.

- Oh yeah?

Who told you about me? [audience laughing]

- You're Mr. Roper? - Yeah.

- Do you remember Rosie Albright?

- Who? - Rosie Albright.

You used to date her,

during the w*r,

in Long Beach.

- Rosie Albright?

Rosie? Rosie!

Rosie, kind of short, a little plump,

with great big.

- She was my mother. [audience laughing]

- Dimples. Dimples, big dimples.

You're Rosie Albright's kid, huh?

I didn't know she got to know she got married.

- She didn't. [audience laughing]

- That's nothing to be ashamed of these days, being a.

- Bill. - Bill, Bill.

[audience laughing] Oh Bill.

Rosie Albright's kid, Bill, huh?

Yeah, she always had a lot of life to her.

What's she doing these days?

- She's dead.

[audience laughing]

- I'm sorry to hear it.

Well, how'd you know about me?

- It was something she left behind.

[audience laughing]

- A will? [audience laughing]

- No, a diary.

She wrote about what the two of you did on VJ night.

[audience laughing]

- VJ night?

- August 15th, 1945, went out with Stanley Roper.

It finally happened, exclamation point.

[audience laughing]

- We just held hands.

- After last night at last I am a woman.

Two exclamation points.

[audience laughing]

- Well?

- Well, holding hands was a much bigger deal then.

- You must have a very passionate hand.

- Huh?

- I was born nine months later, Dad.

[audience laughing and applauding]

- Now David, repeat exactly what I told you.

- I mustn't drink beer with Mr. Roper.

- Very good.

And why not?

- Because it can ruin me.

- That's right. [audience laughing]

And the beer won't do you any good either.

[audience laughing]

[doorbell ringing]

- Oh, excuse me, Mr. Brooks, have you seen my husband?

- Much too often. [audience laughing]

- Oh, I'm sorry, I thought he was here.

- No, he's in the rec room, recruiting alcoholics.

[audience laughing] - Oh.

- Now look son.

- Then you admit it.

- No I don't.

I call everybody son,

even my bird.

[audience laughing]

- Well, what if.

- Look, I told you I am not your father.

- What about the diary?

- It's all coming back to me now.

I remember exactly what happened.

Exactly.

- Yeah?

- I didn't do it.

[audience laughing]

- Come on, Dad.

[Mr. Roper shushing]

- Don't call me that.

Look, nothing happened.

We had a few beers with another couple, that's all.

- Look, Mr. Roper, I don't want anything from you.

I just thought maybe we could get to know each other.

- Wonderful.

Take care of yourself.

[audience laughing]

- Well, if you change your mind,

I'm staying at the Wilshire Arms Hotel.

So long, Dad.

[audience laughing]

- Dad?

What did he mean by that?

[audience laughing]

- Helen, you're really gonna laugh when you hear this.

[audience laughing]

- I'm still not laughing, Stanley.

[audience laughing]

- Helen, I've been telling you for an hour,

I didn't do it.

- And I don't believe you.

- You know I couldn't do a thing like that.

[audience laughing]

- Not now,

but you were younger then. [audience laughing]

- I couldn't do it then either.

I mean, I mean, I wouldn't.

- How many other children do you have

that I don't know about?

[audience laughing]

- None.

- Then Bill's the only one.

- Yes. [Mrs. Roper screaming]

[audience laughing] - Wait a minute,

wait a minute.

You've got me all mixed up.

There were a lot of people there who saw what happened.

Or who didn't see what happened.

[audience laughing] Who saw what didn't happen.

- What? [audience laughing]

- Ernie.

Ernie Grimes, he was there.

He used to work at a bank in Brentwood.

He can straighten this whole thing out.

- Send them in now.

- Ernie.

- Actually it's Ernest.

[audience laughing]

Better still, Mr. Grimes.

I wouldn't want the staff to know I have a first name.

[audience laughing]

- Right. Helen this is Mr. Grimes.

- How do you do Mr. Grimes?

- How do you do?

- Well, you did all right for yourself, Assistant Manager.

- Before you continue,

there's something I forgot to ask you on the telephone.

- What? - Who are you?

[audience laughing]

- He's always kidding around.

- Come on, Stanley.

Sorry to have bothered you, Mr. Grimes.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Ernie, you got to remember.

Do you remember the w*r?

Long Beach?

Stanley Roper?

- If you say so. [audience laughing]

Are you here to open an account?

- No. - Wait, wait,

are you giving away these free gifts?

- As a matter of fact, we are.

- I'll take one.

- Well, now, about your account,

- No, I don't want to open an account.

I'll just take the free gift.

- I remember you now. [audience laughing]

Roper, Stanley Roper.

- Ernie, you got to settle something for me.

Do you remember VJ day?

- My gardener never lets me forget it.

[audience laughing]

- You remember we all went out to celebrate?

You, me, Rosie, and that girl that you were stuck with,

what was her name?

She had legs like Minnie Mouse.

[audience laughing]

She had a face like Porky pig?

[audience laughing]

- You mean Mrs. Grimes?

[audience laughing]

- Anyway, then we went up to Rosie's place.

- Rosie's place? Rosie's place.

Oh, yes, I remember that.

We had a few drinks,

put on some music

and things were getting pretty hot and heavy

there for a while,

now that I don't remember a thing.

[audience laughing]

- All I remember are firecrackers going off

and bells ringing.

- Stanley! How could you?

Have you no shame?

[audience laughing]

- Those were church bells, Helen.

It was VJ night.

- Oh.

- Ernie, you gotta remember.

- Why?

- Because her son showed up and said

that Stanley was his father.

- Oh.

Well I wish I could help you,

but I never saw anything of an immoral nature

take place that night.

- Hey, are you satisfied Helen?

He didn't see anything.

- I saw nothing.

Doris and I left after you and Rosie went into the bedroom.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

- Now wait a minute.

You mean you wouldn't mind if I saw him again?

- No, why should I mind?

- You know, there are a lot of things

I always wanted to do if I had a son.

- And now you got one.

- Yeah, Bill.

My boy, Bill.

[audience laughing]

I'll take him to Disneyland.

[audience laughing]

- Stanley.

- The children's zoo. - Stanley.

- Maybe we'll just play catch.

- Stanley, he's a grown man.

- Oh yeah. [audience laughing]

- Why don't you just invite him over for dinner.

- You mean you'd cook for him?

- Of course.

I mean, he doesn't have to just be your son.

He could be my son too.

- What are you doing?

- Just getting the dust off my Phi Beta Kappa key.

[audience laughing]

Does it show up well against this suit?

- You're trying to impress Mrs. Hollingsworth, aren't you?

- Absolutely not.

I wasn't even thinking about it.

Did you vacuum the welcome mat?

[audience laughing]

- Roper?

What are you doing out here?

- I'm just waiting for my son.

Do you mind?

- Of course. [audience laughing]

- Waiting for what?

- My son. - Your son?

But, I didn't know you had a son.

- Neither did I.

I just found out about him.

- You just found.

What about your wife?

- Oh, she was more surprised than me.

[audience laughing]

Oh, here he comes now.

My boy, Bill.

[audience laughing]

Bill. Bill.

- There's more of them.

[audience laughing and applauding]

[door locking]

[audience laughing]

- Helen,

here he is.

My boy, Bill.

- Hello.

I'm Helen. [giggling]

[audience laughing]

I'm so glad you could come.

- It's a nice place you've got here.

- Oh, thank you. [giggling]

[audience laughing]

Won't you sit down.

- Thank you.

- We got a lot of catching up to do.

- That's right, I want to know all about you.

- Well, there's not much to tell.

I met Helen shortly after I.

[audience laughing]

After I appeared in your mother's diary.

And then, well, not very much has happened since.

[audience laughing]

- I find that hard to believe.

- Believe it.

[audience laughing]

- I figure one picture is worth a thousand words.

So I got out this old photo album,

and we'll start at the beginning.

Here's Helen and me in San Francisco.

- Gee, Mrs. Roper, you look beautiful.

- Oh, thank you.

- And so sad.

- That was taken on our honeymoon.

[audience laughing]

- I brought some pictures with me.

Here's one of me and my wife.

- Oh, Stanley, did you hear that?

We have a daughter.

- And two granddaughters.

- And two granddaughters.

Stanley, you're a grandfather.

[audience laughing]

- And you're a grandmother.

[audience laughing]

- Just like Marlene Dietrich.

[audience laughing]

- Say, my family's coming in from San Diego this afternoon.

Would you like to meet them?

- Oh, of course we would.

Yeah, I could entertain 'em.

- How?

- Oh, kids like music, don't they?

- You're a musician?

- Are you kidding?

Listen to this.

[audience laughing]

[trumpet blowing] [audience laughing]

- And we pride ourselves on the high standards

that Pringle Academy sets.

- As well you should.

- As you know, our students come

from some of the oldest families in California.

- Oh, then you must have a lot of Indians.

[audience laughing]

- Indians?

- Coffee?

- No thank you.

- And Mexican Americans?

- Mexicans? [audience laughing]

- Tea? - Oh, no thank you.

- Do you have any minorities?

- Soup? [audience laughing]

- I beg your pardon.

- Hi. - Oh, David, David,

come here, son.

I want you to meet Mrs. Hollingsworth.

- Hello. - Hello, young man.

- [laughing] Isn't he something?

His father's son.

[audience laughing]

- So, you want to come to our school?

- Not if I have to become a stuffed shirt.

[audience laughing]

- A stuffed shirt? [laughing]

[audience laughing]

- And who told that students at Pringle Academy

become stuffed shirts?

- Mr. Roper. - Nobody.

- And who is this Mr. Roper?

- Nobody, nobody. [knocking at door]

- David likes to create these wonderful characters

right out of his head.

[door slamming] [audience laughing]

- Who was that?

- One of our son's imaginary characters.

Jeffrey?

[audience laughing]

- Roper, what do you want?

- I want to apologize.

- Well, come back tomorrow.

I accept apologies between nine and 11.

[audience laughing]

- Now that I spent a lot of time with my boy, Bill,

I've come to appreciate what it's like to be a father.

- Fascinating. Do come again.

- The joys and responsibility.

[audience laughing]

Yes, even the word.

- Well, then don't be a stranger around.

- Oh, I won't.

One more thing.

Since you have a great relationship with your son,

why waste money on a private school?

- And what is wrong with private schools?

- Turn David into a creep.

- Roper, don't be asinine.

- Watch your language in front of the boy.

- Daddy didn't use a bad word.

- That's right, David.

- When Daddy uses a bad word he always spells it out.

Like B-A. [audience laughing]

- Well, was there anything else, Roper?

- Oh yeah, about the beer.

- Forget it.

- No, I couldn't sleep if I did that.

See, I think it's wrong to serve beer to a seven year old.

- You serve beer to your son?

- Only when we're out of gin.

[audience laughing]

- He's joking.

He's only joking.

David doesn't drink beer.

- Yes, I do, Daddy.

I had some yesterday.

[audience laughing]

- I'm afraid I must be going.

- [Jeffrey] Oh, please, please don't go.

- Our enrollment is. - You don't understand.

- Strictly, strictly limited. - Look at this face.

- I'm terribly sorry, but we really must be going.

- Educate my son, please.

Send him to school. [audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

Well, Roper, you've done it again.

- Anytime.

What are father's for?

[audience laughing]

- Look at this, Helen.

- What, what is it?

- Chinese handcuffs.

Bill's kids'll love 'em.

They'll go crazy trying to get their fingers out of here.

[audience laughing] [doorbell ringing]

- Oh, there they are.

Stanley, get the door.

[audience laughing]

Helen, I can't get my fingers out, look.

[audience laughing]

I'll have to get my rubber duck now.

[audience laughing]

Oh, come in Bill.

Where's your wife?

- And your two little girls?

- They're not with me.

- I don't understand.

- Well, you see.

Do you mind if I sit down?

- Oh no, please do.

- Mr. Roper, I found out

you didn't spend the night with my mother.

- I didn't?

- No, your friend Ernie Grimes did.

- Ernie?

- Yeah, he called my wife this afternoon.

I just saw him at the bank.

- That's impossible, he was with Doris that night.

- She left early.

- I don't remember that.

- That's 'cause you passed out in the bathroom.

[audience laughing]

- Then Stanley isn't your father?

- No.

- Oh, I don't believe it.

Why didn't Ernie Grimes say something to me?

- Well, he as a family.

It came as quite a shock when you told him about me.

He never knew.

He said it took a while,

but his conscience finally got the better of him.

Well, I bet you're relieved

now that you're not stuck with a son.

- I'll bet you're relieved too.

- I don't suppose you have time for just a cup of coffee?

- No, I really better be getting back to the hotel.

- [Mrs. Roper] Oh.

- Well, goodbye.

- Oh, nice to have met you.

- Bye Bill.

- You know, I come up here every now and then on business.

Think maybe I could stop by for that cup of coffee?

- Anytime.

- Oh yeah, and maybe bring your family.

- I'd like that.

[door opening and shutting]

- You know, I think he really liked me.

- Oh, he did.

He really did.

- For a minute there we almost had a family.

[audience laughing]

- Maybe it's not too late, Stanley.

- For what?

- To start a family of our own.

[audience laughing]

- Oh, Helen, come on.

Helen, get that look out of your eye.

Helen! - Stanley!

- Stay there, stay. [audience laughing]

Sit, sit, sit.

[audience applauding]

[goofy music]