02x04 - Baby Talk

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

- Oh hi.

I hope am not late,

we just finished dinner and I didn't want

to leave a mess in the kitchen.

- So you brought him with you.

[audience laughs]

- Well he offered to keep me company.

At least during the commercials.

[audience laughs]

- Hi Stanley.

Hi Hellen.

- [Hellen] Oh hi Ann.

- Thanks for coming.

- Oh not at all.

where's David?

- Oh, he's in his room.

And if he comes down and says,

there's a creepy creature under his bed, don't believe him.

- I know.

It'll be in here watching the TV.

[audience laughs]

- Come on Ann we're gonna be late.

- Have a good time, don't worry about a thing.

[Stanley shrieks]

[audience laughs]

- Oh

- Why'd you turn it off?

- Because I think we ought to just sit

and talk to each other for a change.

- Talk, about what?

- There you see?

You watch so much TV you can't even think

of something to talk about.

- It's not true.

I can think of lots of things to talk about.

- Like what?

- Like,

[audience laughs]

Like I wonder if there's anything good on TV tonight.

[audience laughs]

- There's a big grizzly bear under my bed.

- Really?

What happened to the creepy creature?

- The bear ate him.

[audience laughs]

- What if the bear has already had his dinner

then you don't have anything to worry about.

Do you?

- Now he's thirsty.

- Well, maybe we ought to get him a glass of milk.

- And a cookie?

[audience laughs]

- And a cookie.

- Will you tell me a story?

- I don't know any stories.

- How about the wicked witch?

- Well, she might know some she'll be out in a minute.

[audience laughs]

- Can't you make one up?

- No, I'm not good at making up stories.

- That's not what my daddy said.

[audience laughs]

- Why?

- Please.

- Okay, let's see, story story story.

Ooh, ooh there was this sock see.

And he came from Chicago.

And his name was Sam sock.

- Sam sock?

- Right, right.

And he, he was a very happy sock, till he got married.

[audience laughs]

And his wife's name was Pam sock.

And Pam sock, said to Sam sock,

"Sam, do you know you got a hole in your toe?

Are you gonna mend it?"

And Sam said, "I'll be darned if I do."

[audience laughs]

You see that's the whole idea if you mend it and darn it.

It's it's the, it's the joke.

[audience laughs]

- Okay now.

Off you go.

And don't get crumbs in your bed.

- Thank you.

- Goodnight Mr. Roper.

- Goodnight kid.

- Night Pam.

- Night Sam.

[audience laughs]

- Goodnight, goodnight.

[audience laughs]

It's our private joke.

- Oh Stanley.

Wouldn't it be nice if we had one of our own?

- Sure do.

- Do you mean it?

- Yeah we just have to wait a while.

- Wait?

How much longer can we wait?

- Well just till the end of the year.

Maybe we'll get a Japanese one.

[audience laughs]

- What?

- Right after Christmas, all the TVs are on sale.

[audience laughs]

- Ooh.

- Why I hope David wasn't too much trouble last night.

- Oh no, no.

He was just darling.

As a matter of fact, he reminded me of what Stanley

and I had been missing all these years.

I mean, one of the things.

[audience laughs]

- You know it's a shame you and Stanley never.

- Oh we do do sometimes.

[audience laughs]

- No, had children I mean.

- Oh.

- You know, sometimes doctors can help.

- Oh yeah.

And sometimes they can't, you know?

And there was this doctor, he said

Stanley Downey told him not to be discouraged.

He said he shouldn't expect to hit a home run

every time he goes up to bat.

- What did Stanley say?

- He said he didn't like baseball.

[audience laughs]

- Did you ever think of adopting?

I mean, when you were young, younger.

[audience laughs]

- Oh no, I think I thought it would be too complicated.

- Oh, it's really not.

You, you just have to prove

to them that you'd be a good parent.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

- Hey, do you think there's a chance that we could adopt?

I mean now.

- Now?

Well, I guess there are agencies who are very, very.

- Desperate?

[audience laughs]

Nah forget about it.

Anyway I'd never be able to talk Stanley into it.

- You know, when I want to get Jeffrey

to agree to something.

I just, turn on the old charm.

- Yeah but Jeffrey is still alive.

[audience laughs]

Now I have to think of some other way.

- Stanley?

- Over here Hellen.

[audience laughs]

- Would you like some more wine?

- I don't know.

Is my glass empty?

[audience laughs]

- You've hardly touched it.

- I don't drink when I can't see.

[audience laughs]

- Well, I thought you'd enjoy the candle light.

- I do I do.

I'll enjoy it even more with the lights on.

[audience laughs]

- You know what, I really like sitting for the little David.

- Yeah he's cute.

- You know you really have a way with kids.

He just loved your little bedtime story.

- Well David is a smart boy.

- And he kissed me goodnight.

- Even so.

[audience laughs]

Hey!

Why didn't you tell me we're eating meatloaf?

It's my favorite.

- And I've got your favorite for dessert too.

tapioca pudding with whipped cream.

- Yeah?

Come on Hellen, what are you after?

[audience laughs]

- Nothing.

- Don't give me that I know your nothings.

You don't give me my very favorite meal

and ply me with wine for nothing.

I know what you're after.

- It isn't that.

[audience laughs]

- What is it then?

- Well, you know how I've always wanted to have a child.

- I thought you said it wasn't that?

- No it isn't, it isn't I don't mean that.

I mean, see Stanley.

I thought maybe we could adopt one.

- Adopt, are you crazy?

- Oh no, no.

I've been thinking about it.

- Look, look, look.

When a person gets to be a certain age,

and the joints start to creak a little.

And the brain just isn't as sharp

as it used to be.

That is not the time for that person

to take on more responsibilities.

- Stanley I promise you it won't be any extra work

for you.

- Not me, I'm talking about you.

[audience laughs]

[broom cleans]

- Oh Hellen.

How did it go last night?

- Oh, terrible.

Oh, I just can't understand it.

I thought Stanley would do anything

for a second helping of tapioca pudding.

[audience laughs]

- Anything?

- With whipped cream on it.

[audience laughs]

- [Ann] You know, in a way I can understand

how Stanley feels.

- [Hellen] You can?

- [Ann] Yes.

If Jeffrey behaved the same way before we had David.

- Then I don't see how you had David.

[audience laughs]

- No I mean Jeffrey was afraid that if we had a child,

I'd never have any time for him.

And he was right.

You know, at first David took all my time and attention.

- [Hellen] And you think that Stanley is afraid?

- [Ann] That's right.

Stanley probably feels

that with a child to take care of

you'll never have any time for him.

He'll be left all alone.

[audience laughs]

- Oh yeah I was thinking about last night.

- No forget it Stanley, just forget it.

- No, no.

If you really truly want to adopt a child,

who am I to stand in your way?

- What did you say?

- If that's what you want,

you got it.

- Oh Stanley.

[audience laughs]

- Just wanna make you happy that's all.

- But what about you?

I mean you're not used to children.

[doorbell rings]

- Well, it doesn't matter.

Anyway, you said I had a way with kids.

- Oh you do.

- Can David come out and play?

- David lives next door.

- Oh.

- Wait just a minute.

Watch this, Hellen.

What do you want David for?

Won't I do?

- You?

[audience laughs]

- And I would like to call on you on Saturday,

the fifth to discuss. - The fifth?

That's today.

- I know, I know.

To discuss the matter of adoption,

yours sincerely Hortendae Bell.

Oh Ann,

honestly, I'm just worried sick.

- Oh, wait, if there's anything I can do.

- No, no, I wouldn't ask you.

No, you've done too much already.

I mean, telling us who to contact

and filling out all those forms.

I wouldn't dream of asking you for another thing.

- Okay.

- Except,

would you mind if we gave your names as references?

- Oh, of course not.

You go right ahead.

- I already did.

[audience laughs]

[water splashes]

- No, no, no, no,

don't, don't splash David.

- I'm not David.

[audience laughs]

- Debbie, Debbie Hopper.

- Oh, Brooks, Mr. Brooks.

- I know.

We met before I moved in.

- We did?

- Well of course I didn't look like this.

- Of course.

[audience laughs]

- I wore my hair different.

- Really?

- Do you like blue?

[audience laughs]

- Blue are very nice.

[audience laughs]

- I mean, I mean.

- I love California.

- I love my wife.

[audience laughs]

So so you haven't, you haven't, you haven't,

you haven't always, always lived here?

- No, my father was in the army,

so I kind of, grew up all over.

- I can see that.

[audience laughs]

I can see that I can, I can see that.

you, I can see that.

You've you've been around, around, around

around the country that is.

I trust I trust you'll enjoy living here.

- Oh, I hope so.

I moved in a week ago and I haven't slept in my own bed yet.

- What?

[audience laughs]

- Well, I'm a stewardess.

Remember?

- Yes.

[Stanley and Debbie laugh]

Of course.

Careful now, the bottom is very, very slippery.

- What?

[Debby shrieks]

- Look at we doing.

- Mr. Brooks.

- Oh Reverend, Reverend Munson!

[audience laughs]

- Oh reverend, what a surprise!

[audience laughs]

Oh reverend, reverend.

Reverend Munson.

- I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

- No, no, no.

This is business.

This is strictly business.

So, if you have any more problems with your flight,

you let me know.

[audience laughs]

- I wanted to talk to you about that townhouse for my son.

- Oh right.

All right.

Well, as I was telling you,

Reverend now Royal Dale is everything your son would need.

- He's a married man.

- Me too.

- I want to be sure

this is a suitable environment for John and his wife.

- Oh, it is it is.

Your John and his lovely wife would feel right

at home in these gentile surroundings.

[Stanley shrieks]

[audience laughs]

- Damn cigar.

I'm sorry padre, my apologies.

- Oh, that's quite all right.

- But it hurt like hell.

[audience laughs]

- You just tell, tell your son that.

- Listen you know something, ever since Hellen decided

that we should have a child,

I haven't had a minute's rest.

- Pardon?

[audience laughs]

- Actually, it wouldn't have been so bad

if we knew what we were doing.

[audience laughs]

- But lucky for us your wife showed us how to do it.

[audience laughs]

We couldn't have done it without her.

You know she said if we had any problems,

you'd be glad to help too.

[audience laughs]

- Reverend, maybe, maybe we could talk somewhere else.

- Mr. Brooks there's nothing more to talk about.

- Reverend, reverend Munson.

Assassin.

[audience laughs]

- What a strange man.

[audience laughs]

Geromino!

Wanna see my motorboat?

[audience laughs]

- From what you've observed the Ropers

would make suitable parents for an adopted child.

- Oh, certainly.

Mrs. Roper is a warm and loving person.

- And Mr. Roper?

- Well he's, would you like some coffee?

[audience laughs]

- No thank you.

Now would you say Royal Dale is a suitable place

for child to live?

- Oh, well I hope so.

My child lives here.

[audience laughs]

- This place is going to the dogs.

[audience laughs]

- Jeffrey this is Mrs. Bell.

She wants to know if Royal Dale is suitable

for the Ropers child.

- They don't have a child.

- That's why I'm here,

to help them.

[audience laughs]

- You too?

[audience laughs]

[doorbell rings]

- Coming.

Coming.

- I forgot my key.

- Damn ooh.

Have you forgotten Mrs. Bell is due

to arrive any minute now?

- I'm here aren't I?

- Oh, Stanley, please.

It's very important that we make a good impression.

- So?

- So get rid off that rob!

[doorbell rings]

Not now.

[audience laughs]

And remember if she asks any questions,

let me answer them.

All right?

- Whatever you say sir.

- Mrs. Roper.

- Mrs. Bell do come in.

Oh, I'd like you to meet my husband, Mr. Roper.

- How are you Mr. Roper?

- I'd rather not say.

[audience laughs]

- Won't you sit down Mrs. Bell.

- Thank you.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

- No thank you.

It shouldn't take long.

- Good.

[audience laughs]

- Oh it means it's good,

that you're, so efficient.

- Well, we do have a very careful selection procedure.

- Good, cause I

I just wouldn't want to wind up with just anything.

- We select the parents Mr. Roper, not the children.

[audience laughs]

Which brings us to your application.

- I hope I don't get any bad marks for my hand writing.

[laughs sarcastically]

[audience laughs]

- Now I see here, you have your age listed as 39.

- 39?

[audience laughs]

- Something wrong with that?

- Not at all.

I'm 39 too.

- What difference does age make anyway?

- Well, we do prefer youthful parents.

- But, they wouldn't have our experience.

- Or our, our dignity.

[audience laughs]

- Of course sometimes we overlook the applicant's age.

If the spouse is younger and vigorous

that could satisfy our requirements.

- Yeah, mine too.

[audience laughs]

- But those are very rare cases.

And our main concern has to be

for the welfare of the children.

We like to see them grow up with the parents.

- Well, we could do that.

- Yeah she has a lot of growing up to do.

[audience laughs]

- I really admire you both wanting to take

on such a responsibility.

- What you're really saying is,

we don't have a chance, right?

- Well, I don't make the final decision.

- Do we have a chance?

- Not a prayer.

You see, there are so many people waiting

in line to adopt, so many younger couples.

I'm sorry.

Well, if you have no more questions,

I do have another appointment.

- Oh right.

You did give it a try.

- I hope you understand.

- Don't say a word.

- I was just, I was just.

- Please Stanley.

- I think I'll go up and change

and maybe take a walk around the block.

See you later.

Okay?

Hellen?

Hellen?

- Stanley?

- You're all right Hellen?

- Oh yeah.

Yeah I'm okay.

Just, just a little disappointed that's all.

- You know I was thinking about all that love

and affection that you have to give.

- So?

- I think that I don't let you give it.

- Oh Stanley.

[audience laughs]

You want it in the kitchen?

[audience laughs]

- Ta da!

[audience awes]

It's for you Hellen.

- Oh Stanley,

what a lovely little puppy!

Oh, oh Stanley thank you.

Oh you know, sometimes you can be so thoughtful.

- That's true.

[audience laughs]

- She's so soft and cuddly.

Is she really mine?

- All yours.

- Oh Stanley.

I just gonna love her

and take care of her and [kisses puppy].

Oh I'm just gonna take such good care of her.

- Good, good.

Cause she made a little poopsy on the kitchen floor.

[audience laughs]

[audience claps]

[upbeat music]