02x09 - Pal Joey

[bunniefuu]

[quirky brass music]

- Stanley! - Joey!

Joey, Joey, Joey.

- Stanley, Stanley, Stanley.

I haven't seen you since--

- New Year's Eve at the American Legion.

- Right.

Remember the entertainment I laid on that night?

Some great stuff, huh?

- Helen didn't think so.

- Well, how was I to know those girls

were undercover police?

[audience laughs]

- You're right, they had no place to pin their badges.

[Joey laughs] [audience laughs]

- Hey, Joey, you'd better not come inside, Helen's home.

- Ah, relax, buddy.

It's your old lady who asked me over.

- Helen asked you?

- Yeah.

Well, Helen and I may have had our ups and downs,

but underneath, she's got a soft spot for me. [chuckles]

And speaking of angels, here she comes now!

- Get your feet off that furniture.

[audience laughs]

- Hello, Mrs. R.

- Helen, Joey's a guest in our house.

- That'll be the day.

[audience laughs]

I just called him over to do some work for me.

Did you bring your truck?

- I never go any place without it.

- I'm surprised you get any place with it.

[audience laughs]

I guess it'll have to do.

- Do? For what?

- For hauling out our furniture.

- Hauling out our furniture. [both laugh]

[audience laughs]

- I'll pay you $40.

- $40?

- Are you serious?

- Stanley, the only way I'm going to get new furniture

is to get rid of this old junk.

So get moving, Joey.

- Yeah, where do you want me to take it?

- Any garbage dump that isn't too particular.

[audience laughs]

- Hold it, hold it!

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

This is great furniture.

It's full of old memories.

- Stanley, you want old memories?

Go upstairs and sit on our bed.

[audience laughs and applauds]

Come on, Joey, get moving.

This furniture isn't going any place.

You think my best friend in the world

is going to stab me in the back?

- He's right, Mrs. R.

I can't stab him in the back.

- You want the 40 bucks?

- Sorry, Stanley.

[audience laughs]

- Hey, hey.

Joey.

- What's going on?

Are the Ropers moving?

- Mr. Roper is just buying Mrs. Roper all new furniture.

- What?

- Stanley, don't just stand there.

Get busy and help Joey move the furniture.

- I'm not moving this furniture any place.

[Hubert clears throat]

- Oh, Hubert, what a delightful surprise!

Where's Ethel?

- It's an even number day.

We're not speaking.

[audience laughs]

- Would you like a cup of coffee?

- No, thanks, I can't stay.

- That's good, because in another minute,

there won't be any place for you to sit.

- Actually, I just dropped by to give you this.

- Oh, what is it?

- Well, it's a sort of belated housewarming gift from Ethel.

- Oh, look, Stanley, isn't that lovely?

- I never saw a dog dish that big.

[audience laughs]

- It isn't a dog dish, it's a salad bowl.

"Dear Helen,

"Here's a new bowl to replace the one you lost moving.

"P.S., I tried to match the old one,

"but the gas stations aren't giving them away anymore."

[audience laughs and awws]

What kind of a crack is that?

- You know Ethel.

She's probably just joking.

- Oh, yeah?

Well, you can just take this back to her

and tell her that it doesn't go

with our new, expensive furniture.

- You mean, Stanley's really going to shell out

for the new stuff?

- Oh, you're kidding.

Nothing's too good for my princess.

[audience laughs]

- You're leaving already?

- Yeah.

This is going to cost me a fortune when my wife finds out.

It's going to be nothing but nag, nag, nag

till she gets me to buy her a new furniture too.

- Why don't you just go out and buy her new furniture first?

- And tell her what?

That I decided to surprise her because I love her so much?

- Yeah, you're right, it's a stupid idea.

[audience laughs] - Stupid idea.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Maybe not so stupid.

That's a great idea.

I'll surprise her with new furniture.

- Uh, what are you going to do with the old stuff?

- I guess I'll have to find someone to haul it away.

[audience laughs]

You wouldn't be interested, would you?

- Oh, I might be, but I don't work cheap.

- I'll give you 10% of anything you get for it.

- Are you kidding?

I wouldn't touch that job for less than 50.

- 10. - 50.

- 10. - It's a deal.

[audience laughs]

[telephone ringing]

- Hello?

Oh, it's you, Joey.

Yeah, what do you mean, what kept me?

I was in the bathroom,

it's the only comfortable seat left in the house.

[audience laughs]

- Listen, Stanley.

I used my best business contacts

and I got you a beautiful new living room set,

which I'm gonna let you have for what it costs me:

$4, uh, $500.

[audience laughs]

- $500?

I don't know, I got to see it first.

- Well, I don't know when I could make the time.

- Sorry, no sale.

- I'll be there in three minutes.

[audience laughs]

- Well, you were right, Joey.

This is great stuff.

- You sure got an eye for quality, Stanley.

Hey, grab that end, will you?

- I don't think so.

My back.

[audience laughs]

- Ooh, Brookes, you're just in time.

Wanna help us move this furniture?

- Help you?

Do I look like a--

You mean that's your furniture on that truck?

- Yeah.

- It'll be a pleasure.

[audience laughs]

- You're not helping.

- I am, I am!

- Could I make a suggestion?

- It would be nice if we were moving in the same direction.

- I was just going to say that.

- Hold it, hold it!

Let's switch sides.

- Good idea.

[audience laughs]

- Where are you going?

- To the truck, where do you think I'm going?

- Why would I want it on the truck?

- Well, aren't you moving out?

- No, I just bought some new furniture.

- Well, why didn't you say so?

- Ow! [audience laughs]

- Oh, ow, ow, ow.

Wow, wow, ow, ooh, ahh.

- Damn.

- Jeffrey.

What is it?

- It's Roper.

He's bought new furniture.

- No.

What will that man think of next?

[audience laughs]

- Anne, you don't understand.

I thought we could spend a quiet afternoon together.

- Oh, that sounds nice.

What did you have in mind?

- Well, nothing now.

Roper spoiled it all.

I'm not in the mood anymore.

- Aw, Jeffrey, maybe if you had a little wine.

- Please, Anne, I'm not a machine.

[audience laughs]

I just can't turn it on and turn it off.

[audience laughs]

I mean, once the moment has passed, it has passed.

- Well, okay.

- Oh, Anne.

[audience laughs]

- Boy, Helen's really going to be impressed with this.

- Yeah.

- I can't wait until her sister Ethel sees this.

- Yeah.

What?

- Hubert called, they're on their way over.

- I'll be seeing you, Stanley.

[audience laughs]

I think I'll just let myself out the back.

- What's the matter with you, Joey?

Joey.

[audience laughs]

- Helen.

Helen, I've got a surprise for you.

- A surprise?

- Yeah, I'll give you a hint.

It's something you've been begging for.

[audience laughs]

- Oh, Stanley!

- Not that, not that.

[audience applauds]

Not that, Helen.

This.

- Oh, oh, Stanley!

It's beautiful!

Oh, is it really ours?

- Yeah, it cost a fortune, too.

- Oh, Stanley.

You got me country English.

- I did?

[audience laughs]

- Such good taste.

- Yeah, well, what'd you expect?

- Oh, oh, I just love it.

And you know what I love about it the most?

It's just like Ethel's furniture.

[audience laughs]

- Only nicer.

- This chair, it even has Ethel's fabric.

- Yeah.

You know, this whole room looks like it could have come out

of Ethel's living room.

- That's because it did come out of Ethel's living room.

- Oh, no.

- You got me Ethel's furniture!

[audience laughs]

- Oh my God.

Oh, my God, here she is now.

Get outside, I don't want her to get in the house

and see the furniture.

Ethel!

- Helen.

[audience laughs]

- Hubert told me that Stanley bought you new furniture,

and I just had to see it.

- Well, you must stop by someday.

[audience laughs]

- Today would be nice since we're already here.

- Oh no, no, Ethel, not today.

It, well, [stammering] it isn't ready.

- The decorator's still working on it.

- Yeah.

- Decorator.

That's funny, I don't see a wrecking ball anywhere.

[audience laughs]

[Helen cackles]

- Oh, it just occurred to me.

Maybe Anne would like to see our furniture too.

- What are you doing?

- Oh, hi Helen.

- Hi Anne, can I come in? [audience laughs]

- Helen, Helen!

Nice and sunny out here, isn't it?

Sometimes we spent hours out here.

- Oh, I be outside all the time too,

if I had your house.

[audience oohs]

- So you see, Anne, I can't let Ethel in my house.

If she sees her furniture, I'll just die.

You gotta help me!

- You think we can stall them long enough

for Stanley to get the furniture out?

- We've got to.

- Hi!

Won't you nice folks come in?

- That's very nice of you, but I think we--

- Great idea, great idea.

[audience laughs]

- This is my neighbor, Anne Brookes.

This is my sister, Ethel,

- Hello. - Hello.

- And her husband Hubert.

- How do you do?

- How do you do.

- [stammering] Ethel, I know that you and Mr. Brookes

are gonna find so much in common.

- Both snobs.

[audience laughs]

- [Jeffrey] Meow!

[audience laughs]

- What was that?

- The champagne's ready, my sweet Anne.

[audience laughs and applauds]

- Ruff ruff ruff!

[audience laughs]

- You! What--

Anne.

- Jeffrey, this is Helen's sister Ethel

and her husband, Hubert.

- Helen, really, I'm just dying to see your new furniture.

- Oh, what a good idea, so nice to have met you.

- Oh, would you like to stay and have a drink?

- It's free.

- Really, Helen, it's getting late.

Oh my goodness.

A William Graham print, I don't believe it.

- You mean, [stammering] you're familiar with his work?

- Well, I should be.

I own five Graham originals.

- No.

Did you hear that, Anne?

- Did you hear that, Stanley?

They both have Graham pictures.

- Big deal.

I got a whole box of his crackers.

[audience laughs]

- Please, now, do have some champagne.

I always carry a bottle for emergencies, mm?

Sit down!

- Well, I guess we could stay for a few minutes.

- So you're, you're Mrs. Roper's sister.

Are you the one with the large family in Encino?

- No, I'm the one with the large house in Beverly Hills.

[audience laughs]

- Stanley, get on the phone and get Joey to come over here

and help you move the furniture.

- Now?

- Now!

- You know, it's so refreshing, nowadays,

to meet someone with [sniffs] good taste.

- Yeah.

The only ones left are Ethel,

and Charlie Tuna.

[audience laughs]

- Helen tells me you're in real estate.

- Yes, I can let you have one of my cards.

[audience laughs]

Don't seem to have my cards on me.

- So I see.

- Well, I've got to be going.

Can we see this new furniture now?

- Not now!

- Why not?

- Why now?

[stammering] Why now?

Why not, Anne?

- Why not?

Because, [stammering]

well, Jeffrey and I had something special planned,

- That's right.

- And we'd like you all to join us.

[audience laughs]

- Anne, that's just you and me.

- Oh, Jeffrey, don't be an old stick in the mud.

There's room for everyone! [audience laughs]

- Anne!

- In the hot tub.

- What a wonderful idea!

Tub party.

[audience laughs]

[Anne and Helen laugh]

[all but Hubert laughing]

- Isn't this fun?

- Ethel, time to go, I have work to do.

- Oh, come on, enjoy yourself, Hubert.

That's an order.

[audience laughs]

- Do you have a hot tub, Ethel?

- We have two.

His and hers.

- Which one is yours?

[audience laughs] [Helen cackles]

- I lost my earring.

- You lost your earring, well,

- [Jeffrey And Hubert] I'll get it.

[audience laughs]

- Oh!

I'll get it.

[Ethel laughing giddily]

[audience laughs]

- I've got it!

- You sure have.

[audience laughs]

- Was that--

Was that--

[Jeffrey cackling]

I thought it was-- [laughs]

- You must come up and see my prints someday.

- Yeah, be careful she doesn't leave them all over you.

[audience laughs] [Helen laughing]

- Does anyone find it getting warm in here?

- No, no, it's cool, it's cool.

- Not for everybody.

- Oh, my, now I seem to have dropped my earring, too.

- I'll get it.

- Sit!

[audience laughs]

Mr. Brookes?

[audience laughs]

[Ethel laughs giddily]

[audience laughs]

- Joey, for Pete's sake, where you been?

Taking a nap at a time like this?

Listen, get over here fast.

Yes, it's a matter of life and death!

If you're not here in five minutes, I'll k*ll you.

[audience laughs]

- Stanley, what is Ethel's furniture still doing here?

- Joey was taking a nap.

- Ethel and Hubert are at the Brookes's

changing their clothes.

They'll be here any minute now.

- What are we going to do?

- Hide the furniture!

- Where, in a closet?

[audience laughs]

- Put sheets over it.

- Sheets.

Sheets, sheets, sheets.

- Thank you, it's been most [laughs] unexpected.

- Well, come again soon.

Bye.

- Bye.

- Well, Helen, enough is enough.

Are we going to see this wonderful furniture or not?

- Well, of course you are.

- Good.

- But not now.

- What?

- Our decorator isn't finished yet.

[audience laughs]

- Well, I'm sure he won't mind

if we take just a little tiny peek.

- Well I'm sure yo--

Oh! [audience laughs]

- Is your a decorator a member the Ku Klux Klan?

[audience laughs]

[Helen laughs]

- This is brand new furniture.

It's gotta be protected from the sunlight for 24 hours.

[audience laughs]

- Well, now that you've seen everything,

I'm sure you'll want to be on your way.

- I'm sure that you don't have new furniture at all.

- Oh, of course I do.

- You're just covering up your old furniture!

- Oh, Ethel, that's ridiculous.

- Don't do that, Ethel.

- I am going to see this old couch.

- No, you're not.

- Yes, I am. - No, you're not.

- Yes, I am. - No, you're not!

- Oh my God, it's my couch.

[audience laughs]

- Oh, it similar, isn't it?

- Similar?

That's my coffee table.

That's my chair.

How did all my furniture get here?

- They must've bought it from the guy I hired

to haul it away.

- You had our furniture hauled away?

- As a surprise, Dearest.

To show you how much I loved you.

[audience laughs]

Ethel, when you get home, you're going to find a house

full of brand new modern furniture.

- Hubert, you did that?

You bought me a brand new set of modern furniture,

and Helen got my old living room set?

- That's right.

- What have you done?

[audience laughs]

- I got rid of all your old furniture.

- Old furniture?

They're antiques.

They're worth four times what we paid for them!

And you sold them?

- No, no, he sold them.

- Hi.

[audience laughs]

It's okay, I got your money right here, 400 bucks.

- You gave away my antique furniture for $400?

- I gave him $500.

- You told me $600!

[audience laughs]

- Don't say anything.

The look on your faces is thanks enough.

[audience laughs]

- I expect you'll want it back.

- Well, of course I do.

Hubert will make you out to check.

Start writing, Hubert.

[audience laughs]

Anyway, Helen, I mean,

you really don't want this furniture.

Country English doesn't go with townhouse tacky.

[audience laughs and ohhs]

- What?

- Well, I mean, it's simply overwhelms

a cheap little room like this.

- Here, Helen.

- I think I've changed my mind.

- You what?

- We bought this furniture and we're going to keep it.

[audience applauds]

- I will pay you five times what you paid for it.

- Five times?

[audience laughs]

- Not a chance.

- Just a second, just a second.

[audience laughs]

I paid for this furniture,

I'll decide whether we sell it back to them or not.

- Stanley!

- Ethel,

- Mm hmm?

- Not a chance.

[audience laughs and applauds]

- Oh, Stanley! [smooch]

Oh, Stanley.

[Helen giggles]

[quirky brass music]