02x11 - The Skeleton

[bunniefuu]

[whimsical music]

- Hi.

- Hi, ooh, want some gum?

- Thanks!

[bubble pops]

How'd you do that?

- Blow a bubble?

It's easy, just stuck your tongue out and blow.

- Like this?

- No, no, more like, like this.

- David, oh, there you are.

- Mr. Roper's teaching me how to blow bubblegum.

- Oh.

[audience laughing]

David, how many times must I tell you

gum chewing is an unpleasant habit for a young man?

- But Mr. Roper--

- Is an unpleasant habit too.

- Hey, hey, hey.

- You see, David, you must always remember

what grandfather always said.

There are three things a Brookes never does, he never.

- Keeps his hat on in the elevator.

- [Jeffrey] He never.

- Wears striped socks with checked pants.

- [Jeffrey] And he never.

- Forgets he's better than the next man.

- That's a lotta stuck up nonsense.

- You see, David, you have a,

a bigger responsibility than other boys.

You come from a very distinguished family.

Now, the gum, please.

Thank you.

- Hey Brookes, what's so special about your family?

- We've all been respected public officials and leaders.

I don't know of any Ropers

who have left their mark on society.

- Oh, no, we got a cousin who was shot out of a cannon.

- Wow!

- That's what you call making a mark?

- He did when he missed the net.

[audience laughing]

- Roper, you should be taken away in a net.

[audience laughing]

Oh, please.

[audience laughing]

[Stanley laughing]

[Stanley choking]

- Say, ah, I wonder if you could help me?

- A little down on your luck, eh?

Well, all right, here, old fella.

You get yourself a good meal and a hair cut and a bath.

- On a quarter?

- Come along, David.

- [Man] Hi [chuckles].

- David.

[door thuds]

[man whistles]

- Ah, let's see.

[doorbell ringing]

- Yes?

- Mrs. Brookes?

- Oh no, no, you got the wrong house.

They're next door.

- Oh, I, I'm sorry.

I'm getting so I can't even read my own writing.

- Yeah, well, maybe you ought to get glasses [giggles].

- I guess so, pretty lady.

- Of course, not until you need them.

[audience laughing]

- And I will the minute I can't spot a lovely lady like you.

[Helen laughing loudly]

So I'm looking for the house next door, right?

- [Helen] Yeah [giggles].

- Ah, yeah, I might've guessed.

- Guessed what?

- Oh no, nothing, I just, ah, well, thanks again.

- Oh, you're welcome [giggles].

[doorbell ringing]

- Yes?

- Mrs. Brookes?

- Yes.

- Jeffrey's got more on the ball than I thought.

- You know Jeffrey?

- [laughs] I should, I'm his Uncle Bill.

- Uncle Bill, well, come in, come in.

You're not the one Jeffrey said was a--

- Bum?

- No, no, actually, he didn't say that.

- Good, I prefer hobo.

You know, it has a nicer ring to it.

- What's a hobo?

- Well, it's free spirit, son, king of the road,

a man who rides the rails.

In short, one of the last patrons of Amtrak.

[audience laughing]

- Jeffrey's just taking a shower.

- That's where I left him 20 years ago.

- Anne, have you seen my soap on a rope?

Oh, now, look.

I've already given you money.

Now, what more do you want?

- [laughs] Hey, Jeff, my boy [laughs]!

- What?

- Jeffrey, don't you recognize him?

- Ah, well, why should he?

I didn't recognize him outside.

Hey, well, you know, last time I saw you,

you had a full head of hair like David has here.

[audience laughing]

- My childhood barber, Mr. Phips.

[audience laughing]

- Jeffrey, this is your Uncle Bill.

- My uncle, oh, no, ah, ah, ah,

how, how, how did you get my address?

- Your father gave it to me.

- Uncle Bill, I hope you'll be able to stay.

- Oh, no, I, I, I, I, I, I don't think so, Anne.

Ah, Uncle Bill probably really doesn't have time.

What, with his busy schedule.

Say, can I drop you somewhere?

I know you have things to do, a freight train to catch.

[audience laughing]

- No, listen, I got all the time in the world.

- You're staying?

- Well, just until my mail catches up with me.

I gave them this address.

- Well, that's wonderful.

Ah, make yourself comfortable.

Lunch should be ready in a little while.

- Anne.

- Jeffrey, he's your uncle.

- But.

So, Uncle Bill, ah, what have you, what have,

what have you been doing with yourself all these years?

- Well, last month I won a tobacco spitting contest.

[audience laughing]

- How far did you spit?

- David.

- 26 feet.

- Uncle Bill.

- Of course, I had the wind behind me.

- Will you teach me how to spit?

- Well, sure I will.

Come on, come on, let's go outside.

Hey, excuse us, folks.

- Spits 26 feet.

Can you believe that, Anne?

- Well, he said he had the wind behind him.

- Anne, oh my God, the neighbors!

[audience laughing]

- Now, you start, purse up your lips like this.

- David, Uncle Bill, really.

- Brookes, Brookes.

- Do not spit!

Hello, Roper.

- Who's the strange looking guy with your kid?

- Oh, it ah, that's the um, that's the handyman.

- Handyman?

- Yes, go inside, David.

Now, I think it would be very nice if you started by ah,

just ah, hose, hosing down the walk.

- What?

- Oh, just a second.

Ah, I got a garage that needs cleaning out, you interested?

- Aren't you the fella that lives with that lovely lady?

- No, I live right here with my wife.

[audience laughing]

- How ah, how much to clean the garage?

- I'll give ya, I'll give ya 2.50 an hour.

- Well, that's more than he's giving me.

- Figures.

- Yeah, I think I just got an offer I can't refuse.

- No, wait.

- What's your name?

- Ah, just call me Bill.

- Bill, Bill, okay, the garage

is right around there to the left.

- Gotcha.

- Ah, ah, no, ah, wait, um, um.

- Brookes, Brookes, a word of advice.

You can't keep help unless you pay him a decent wage.

[audience laughing]

- Oh, oh, oh!

[audience laughing]

- Jeffrey, what happened?

- It's my uncle.

He's got a job with Roper as his handyman.

- Why?

- Why, because Roper is the devil, Anne.

[audience laughing]

He should be exorcized from this neighborhood.

[audience laughing]

If this ever gets out.

- Oh, Jeffrey, stop worrying.

You have lots of things to do.

- Like sh**ting myself?

[audience laughing]

- There are people coming to lunch today, remember?

- The Barrette's, Reverend Parkinson, the Congressman?

Today is the party fundraising lunch?

Oh, no, I am going to sh**t myself, oh, no, no!

- There were four of us, you see, in this boxcar.

- Yeah.

- One-Eyed Louie, Four-Finger Bates, Big-Nose Sammy, and me.

- Who are you?

[audience laughing]

- I was me.

[audience laughing]

- No, no, no, I mean didn't you have a nickname too?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,

but ah, well, it's kind of embarrassing.

- Nah, come on, what was it?

- k*ller.

[audience laughing]

- k*ller?

- Yeah?

- Why did they call you k*ller?

- You sure you wanna know?

- Yeah, come on, tell me.

- All right, it happened at this flophouse in Jersey.

Things were turning real bad,

and I was the only one wearing heavy boots,

so I could stomp them real good.

- You stomped them to death?

- Yeah, 64 c*ck in a single evening.

[audience laughing]

- Oh, you [laughing loudly]!

- Helen.

[Helen laughing loudly]

Helen, this is no way to get the work done.

- Ah, come on, Stanley.

It's Bill's coffee break.

Oh, you know, he tells the most exciting stories [laughing].

- I'd like to hear the one about the clean garage.

- Oh, come on in the kitchen, Bill.

- Yeah, yeah.

I got some cake you'll just love.

- Oh, I'll take it.

- Helen, you'll feed him later.

- You know, ah, I wanna tell ya.

- Helen.

- [Bill] You know, Big-Nose Sammy.

- [Helen] Yeah [laughing]!

[doorbell ringing]

- Hi, Mr. Roper, is Uncle Bill here?

- Yeah, ah, he's in.

Uncle Bill, he's your uncle?

- No, he's my father's uncle.

- Your father's uncle.

[audience laughing]

You mean that old bum is a Brookes?

[audience laughing]

- Yeah, Uncle Bill.

- A Brookes, a Brookes.

Imagine that, I got a Brookes working for me!

[audience applauding]

- Hi, Roper, say I, I hate to trouble you,

but it's a, it's, it's about your handyman.

- Oh, he's gonna work out just fine

with a little supervision.

As a matter of fact,

I was thinking of hiring him on a regular basis.

- Regular basis?

- Yeah, clean up up the yard, take out the trash.

- No, no.

- Wash my car.

- Wash your car?

[audience laughing]

- Maybe you're right.

Maybe I shouldn't trust him with something that important.

[audience laughing]

- That's right, that's right.

I mean, a dr*fter like that.

I wouldn't trust him with anything.

- You think, you think I should get rid of him?

- That's a good idea,

and I'll give you a list of first class handymen.

- Brookes, you're all right.

I'll get rid of him right now.

Oh, Mr. Brookes!

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

- Mr. Brookes?

- Yeah, well, since he's your uncle,

I think it would be rude of me

to call him by his first name.

[audience laughing]

- Calling me?

- Stanley, Bill was right in the middle of a story.

- Helen, you know, life is funny.

This wonderful man who I got working for me

for 2.50 an hour,

I just found out is the uncle of Jeffrey P. Brookes III.

- Really, your uncle?

- Bill, Bill, your nephew doesn't think

that you should be working for me.

- [Jeffrey] Oh.

- Now, he thinks that you, that--

- A, a, a guest here.

You shouldn't be working.

You should be relaxing.

- That's right, Stanley, get us some drinks.

Bill, sit down and tell me another story.

- Ooh, ooh, I got even a better idea.

Why don't we all go to the hot tub?

- Oh, sounds like fun.

- See, there's always a big crowd there on weekends.

It would be a great chance for you

to meet some of Jeffrey's friends.

[audience laughing]

- Hey, that's a terrific idea!

And I'm sure they'd love to hear some of Bill's stories.

- [laughing] Ah, you think so, Jeffrey?

- I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I--

- Great, great, great.

Bill, come on, I got a pair of shorts I think might fit you.

Come on upstairs.

- Oh, Mr. Brookes, I bet you just can't wait

for your friends to meet your uncle.

- You're right, I can't wait.

[audience laughing]

[people chattering]

Hello, hello, oh, oh, enjoying the waters, I see.

It's very, very therapeutic, you know?

Well, yes, just minutes ago,

Roper was telling me

that by just sitting in this very hot tub this morning,

he completely cured his athlete's foot.

[women scream]

Oh, oh [laughing], I can't believe it!

He is actually out there now

changing a flat tire on our corner, Paul McCartney, oh, oh!

[women screaming]

[audience laughing]

[clicking tongue] I do not know

what this neighborhood is coming to.

I mean, naked protestors right out there on our street.

[audience laughing]

[hands thudding]

[cabinet thudding]

Oh, oh my God!

Did you feel that?

Oh, an earthquake, oh!

[cabinet thudding]

The sky is falling!

The sky is falling, earthquake!

- Earthquake?

- Earthquake!

[audience laughing]

- What happened to all your friends, Jeffrey?

- Well, I don't know.

[audience laughing]

I mean, this place is usually packed with people.

- Yeah, Jeffrey, I embarrass you, don't I?

- Embarrass me, how could you possibly think that...

[audience laughing]

That you embarrass me?

- What is it, the old clothes I wear?

- Well, no one could ever accuse you

of being one of the Brookes Brothers, Brookes Brothers.

- Clothes don't make the man, Jeffrey.

Fond pride of dress is sure a very curse.

E'er fancy you consult, consult your purse.

- That's easy for you to say.

- Benjamin Franklin said it.

- Well, what do you expect?

He was trying to sell almanacs to poor people.

[audience laughing]

- Boy, the Brookes family

always was big on judging by appearance.

- Oh, Uncle Bill, why couldn't you have been a lawyer,

a doctor, or a politician?

- Well, I guess I'd rather try to earn an honest living.

- By entering spitting contests?

[audience laughing]

- You know something?

Jeffrey, you haven't changed a bit since you were a child.

- Thank you.

- Yeah, you were a stick in the mud then,

and you're a stick in the mud now.

- I was not stick in the mud.

I, I, I, I was mature for my age.

- Mature, I'll say.

When E.F. Hutton talked,

you were the only eight year old who listened.

[audience laughing]

- Now, just a second.

You make it sound like I had no fun at all.

- Well, you didn't.

You're the only kid I ever knew

who smuggled in his homework aboard a fishing trip.

- I remember that.

The only thing I caught that day was a cold.

- And a fish.

- The fish, no, I didn't.

Oh, you're right.

- Yeah.

- You're right, I caught a, I, I caught a perch,

and, and, you took, you took a picture of me holding it.

It's funny how you forget things.

- Funny how you forget life.

- What?

- Jeffrey, ah, your lunch guests are arriving.

- Oh, no, I haven't had time to change.

- Yeah, well, I guess I better get my gear,

and mosey down the road.

Maybe see buddies in San Diego.

- Wait, aren't you gonna try the hot tub?

- Nah, it seems to have gone cold.

- Nice party, Brookes.

I ah, won't forget your help.

- Well, thank you, Congressman.

Ah, ah, would you ah, would you excuse me?

- So long, kiddo.

- Well, goodbye, Uncle, ah, ah, ah, William.

[audience laughing]

- Jeffrey, you forgot to ask him to lunch.

- Well, I, I, I, I I--

[doorbell ringing]

I'll get that.

- Oh, Mr. Brookes, I--

- I'm sorry, we, we have guests.

- Yes, I know, but I just wanted to give this to Bill.

Oh, Bill, there you are!

This was, this was delivered to our house.

I, I guess you gave our number by mistake.

- I wish I got your number 20 years ago, lovely lady.

[Helen laughing loudly]

Oh, ah, can I borrow your spectacles?

- Ah, Bill, why don't you read it outside?

The lighting's much better out.

Oh, no, Roper's got the Congressman cornered.

- And another thing.

You come here.

You ask all your rich friends for money for campaign funds.

How come you never ask the poor people for money?

- Well, well, everybody got everything they need.

- Hey, how about that?

They sold the screen rights to my book.

- Your book?

- Yeah, yeah, it's coming out next month.

"Hit the Tracks, Jack".

A bunch of yarns I strung together.

- You're an author?

- But you, you never said you'd written a book.

- And they're making it into a movie?

- Looks like.

Thanks for the loan,

and ah, well, it was nice meeting all you folks.

- You're leaving so soon?

- Leaving, I should say not.

[audience laughing]

Do you think that I would let my Uncle Bill leave

without saying hello to my friends?

[hands thudding]

Attention, attention, everybody!

I want to introduce you to my Uncle Bill,

a true blue Brookes, an author, and a student of Americana.

A wonderful man whose new book

is going to take this country by storm!

- Yay!

- You know, he used to work for me

before he became a famous writer.

[audience laughing]

- Uncle Bill, say hello to the Congressman.

- Hello.

- So, you're a writer?

I want you to know that I'm 1,000% behind the arts.

- What is your book about, Mr. Brookes?

- Hobos.

- Hobos?

- Yes, yes, yes, it's a wonderful tale of the road.

You see, my Uncle Bill here

actually pretended to be a hobo himself, yes, yes.

He, he lived with hobos, ate with hobos,

actually talked to hobos,

because that's the kind of author Bill Brookes is.

- [chuckles] Really?

- Yes, well, I guess I can only write about

the things I know from firsthand experiences.

- And what is your next book going to be about?

- The history of the American cathouse.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[audience applauding]

[whimsical music]