02x21 - Four Letter Word

[bunniefuu]

[comical horns tooting]

[upbeat whimsical music]

[audience laughing]

- Roper.

[audience laughing]

- I win, I win.

- Are you gonna count that?

- Roper, what do you think you're doing?

- Don't get nervous, Brookes,

I'm just teaching David how to pitch pennies.

- Oh, is that all?

- And this morning he taught me how to sh**t craps.

[audience laughing]

- In the house.

- See ya later, Mr. Roper.

- See ya, David.

Brookes. - What?

- You owe me a penny.

- What?

- Well, if you hadn't come out that door

and thrown me just as I was about to pitch.

[audience laughing]

- Oh, Anne, okay, upstairs and wash your hands.

Up, up, up, up, up.

- What is it?

- He's a menace, Anne, we've got to get rid of him.

- David?

[audience laughing]

- Roper.

Pitching pennies, sh**ting craps.

Next thing you know he'll be betting on the horses.

He's at a very impressionable age.

- Roper?

- David.

Anne, I don't like the idea of our son

learning those things from Stanley Roper.

- You're right, a boy should learn

those things from his father.

- That's right, no.

Anne, this is serious, that man is always around.

Every time I open the door, he's there, like smog.

[audience laughing]

Anyway, I thought he was supposed to get a job.

- David?

- Roper, would you be serious?

- Helen says he's having a very hard time

finding the kind of work that would suit him.

- I'm not surprised.

There's not much of a call for zombies.

[audience laughing]

- Jeffrey, couldn't you find something for him

at your real estate office?

- Yes, I can, a home about 100 miles away from here.

- You did say you were understaffed.

- Oh, Anne, he has no experience,

no references, no qualifications.

He has no charm, no personality.

He's a scruffy dresser, he can't speak properly,

He scratches himself.

He's lazy, shiftless, unpunctual, and unemployed.

- You don't like him, do you?

[audience laughing]

- I didn't say that.

- Well, as long as Mr. Roper's not working,

David will always have someone to play with.

- But then again, how important are

qualifications, personality, and references.

- Good, then you'll find him a job?

- Well, it's my only hope of giving David

a chance for a normal childhood.

I'll get on it first thing in the morning.

- Can I go see the lady wrestlers with Mr. Roper?

- I'll get on it right away.

[beer can cracking]

- Stanley, are you drinking beer in the can again?

- No, I'm drinkin' it right here in the living room.

[audience laughing]

What do you got there?

- Something to keep us fit.

- Why?

- Stanley, it's time we got some exercise.

You know, at our age, the body begins to run down.

- My body isn't rundown.

- I know, it never got wound up.

[audience laughing]

Look at these, Stanley.

Stanley.

You left before I was finished.

You're making a habit of doing that.

[audience laughing]

- "Hollywood Squares" is comin' on.

- No, don't turn on the TV.

- Why?

- All you do is watch television hour after hour.

- Are you kidding, I read the paper, too.

- Only to see what's on television.

Look, Stanley, I got these for us

and I want you to use them.

- What for?

- The only way to keep the body firm is to exercise it.

Frequently.

- I don't want to.

- I know you don't, that's why I got you these.

- It's a waste of money, my body's in great shape right now.

- Here. [doorbell ringing]

[Stanley screams]

[audience laughing]

- Oh, Mr. Brooks.

- Mrs. Roper, is everything all right?

- Oh, yeah, that was just the dumbbell.

- Oh, I thought it might be.

Could I speak with him?

[audience laughing]

- What? Oh. [laughs]

Come on in. - Thank you.

Ha, Roper.

- What do you want?

- Well, business is booming down at the office

and I'm looking for a man to assist me on the sales staff.

- I don't know anybody off-hand,

but I'll keep my eyes open.

- Stanley, you don't understand, he's offering you a job.

- What?

- Oh, a very important job in real estate.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yes, putting out for-sale signs,

and actually placing flags in front of the open houses,

and washing windows.

- Oh, Stanley can do that, I know he can.

- Just a minute.

Do I look like a slob who washes windows?

[audience laughing]

You got a lot of nerve, Brookes,

comin' in here with your nose in the air,

lookin' down at us, embarrassing poor Helen here.

- What? - What?

- Insulting Helen by offering her husband a degrading job,

you should be ashamed of yourself.

- Stanley, why are you doing this?

- For you, Helen.

Now, if you don't mind.

- Well, all right, if you can afford

to turn away good money,

but, fair warning, you're not getting

one more cent from David.

[audience laughing]

- Oh, Stanley, I've never been so ashamed in my life.

- Me, too, the nerve of that guy.

- I'm talking about you.

- Helen, you think I'm gonna accept

the first thing that comes along,

and then live to regret it?

- Why not, I did.

[audience laughing]

- Helen, come on.

- Look, Stanley, if you don't get a job,

we're gonna use up all the money we got

from selling the apartment building,

and then what'll we do?

[doorbell ringing]

- We'll sell this house

and we'll live off the money from that.

- No.

Ethel. - Helen.

[audience laughing]

- Hubert. - Helen.

- Stanley, my sister's here.

- What do you want me to do, curtsy?

[audience laughing]

- Oh, that's a pretty caftan.

- Oh, thank you.

- My maid has one just like it.

We were in the neighborhood,

and, well, we couldn't leave without stopping to say hello.

- Why not?

[audience laughing]

We just got back from Lake Arrowhead,

and you will never guess what we bought.

- Lake Arrowhead?

- Close.

- A cute little vacation cottage, only 14 rooms.

- Sounds cozy.

- It's right on the lake.

- We hope you'll drop in.

[audience laughing]

- Would you like to sit down?

- Let me hang your coat up, dear.

- No, not yet.

[audience laughing]

- What can Stanley get you to drink?

- Oh, I would love a tequila sunrise.

I drank nothing else when we were in Barbados last month.

- You must've been hot if you were wearing that thing.

- Oh, you noticed.

[audience laughing]

- Can I hang it up now?

- In a moment.

It's sable.

- I know, Stanley has a paintbrush just like it.

[audience laughing]

Tequila sunrise, what's in that?

- Tequila.

[audience laughing]

Orange juice, triple sec, and a little grenadine.

- How 'bout a ginger ale?

[audience laughing]

- Oh, Stanley, the ingredients are right there,

right under your nose.

- Grenadine, triple sec.

- Oh, honestly.

- Don't go putting on airs, Ethel.

You know perfectly well they haven't got

two Krugerrands to rub together.

[audience laughing]

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- There, you see, right there on the lower shelf.

- Well, that's not under my nose.

- Helen, I was just telling Hubert,

you and Stanley must go to Barbados on your vacation,

unless you've made other plans.

- Yeah, well, we really had sort of

planned on staying home this year.

We enjoy it.

- You must, you stayed home last year.

And the year before that.

- Ethel, cut it out.

- Don't forget, Ethel, I am not the president

of my own company like Hubert here.

- How could I forget?

- Compared to you two, Helen and I lead a life

that's simple, modest, and humble.

- Oh, God.

[audience laughing]

[coughs]

Good lord, what is this?

- I didn't have any tequila, so I had to use beer.

[audience laughing]

- Of all the stupid things.

- The man's not a bartender, Ethel,

it was a natural mistake.

- Stanley's a natural mistake.

[audience groaning]

No wonder he can't find a job.

- Oh, for heaven's sakes, Ethel.

If the right opportunity comes along,

I'm sure Stanley will snap at it.

- That's right.

- And who is going to give him this big break?

- I am.

- That's right.

What?

- You're coming into the meat-packing

business with me, Stan.

- He isn't.

- He is.

- He is?

- I am?

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

What's he like to work for?

- He's very nice.

Flowers on your birthday, or chocolates.

Sometimes he takes you out to dinner.

- I'd like that.

[audience laughing]

Are you his secretary?

- I'm one of them.

He has another one who does the typing

and filing and things like that.

[audience laughing]

- What do you do?

I mean, here, at work.

- I show people into his office.

Would you like some coffee?

- I'd like a couple, uh, cup of coffee.

[audience laughing]

Wanna send those bank presidents in on the double?

[audience laughing]

The High Time travel agency.

For those who wanna travel first class.

La-de-da.

[audience laughing]

- Morning, Stanley.

- Oh, I like your chair.

- I think you'll like this one, even better.

Helen just called, she's inviting us

over for dinner tonight.

- You and me?

- Ethel and me.

- That's her way of saying thanks for the job.

- The last time she said thank you,

my stomach said you're welcome for a week.

Well, I suppose you're anxious to get started.

- On what?

Oh, oh, the job.

- Um, I like my workers to wear coveralls.

- And you want me to tell them?

[audience laughing]

- Don't bother, let me see, I suppose the sorting department

will be as good a place for you to start as any.

- Sorting department, that sounds interesting.

- Oh, it is, you'll be separating livers,

spleens, hearts, lungs, various organs.

[audience laughing]

- I don't think I can do that.

- Not at first, but it's easy to pick up.

- I mean, my back and all.

Besides, Helen and me, we don't need that much money.

- I thought you and Helen-

- No, you need the money, I mean,

your fancy cars and your trips to the Barbados

and weekends in Acapulco, things like that.

- What?

- But Helen and me, we don't live like that.

- Stanley, that was private.

- Yeah, until Ethel starts blabbing at dinner tonight.

- Believe me, she won't say a word about it.

- Well, that'll be a first.

- I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention it either.

- Why?

- Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not taking Ethel.

[audience laughing]

Well, of course it's strictly a business trip,

but Ethel just wouldn't believe that.

- You wear a purse?

[audience laughing]

- My secretary bought it.

- And she lets you use it?

- It's an executive purse.

- Coffee.

I made one for you, too, Hubie.

- Thank you, Miss Cooper.

- Who?

Oh, I get it.

By the way, Hubie, I'll be leaving

a little early for lunch today.

- Fine.

- So I can pick up some new luggage.

[audience laughing]

- Business trip, huh, Hubie?

- That's right.

- Don't you worry about a thing, I won't say a word.

- Thank you.

- On one condition.

[audience laughing]

- Is that you, Stanley?

- That you, Helen?

- What are you doing here?

- I live here, remember?

- No, I mean with being home so early.

- Oh, well, well that thing didn't work out as planned.

- What's that?

- What's what?

- I mean I didn't hear what you said before.

- Then we're even, I never talked to a foot before.

[audience laughing]

- This is good for the circulation.

- That's true, the blood went right to you eyes.

- What'd you say about your job?

- I didn't get it.

- But Hubert promised.

- Well, Hubert doesn't have the last word.

- You mean Ethel turned you down?

- Not Ethel, the union.

The union wouldn't let him hire me.

They said it was some sort of technical problem.

- Oh, Stanley, how could you?

- Me?

- Every time I think something nice is gonna happen,

you go and have a technical problem.

[audience laughing]

- I can't tell you how sorry I am.

I had no idea there'd be such a problem hiring Stanley.

- Oh, we were so disappointed.

- Yeah, I think I'll borrow some ice.

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

♪ The skies above are clear again ♪

♪ Da-da-da, da-da-da ♪

- He's doing a good job hiding his disappointment.

- It's a habit he picked up from me.

[audience laughing]

- David, how 'bout a game of checkers before dinner?

- No thank you.

- Say, you weren't chewing on that pillow were you?

Because you look a little down in the mouth.

[audience laughing]

See, down, isn't he feeling well?

- He's fine, he's been doing his homework all afternoon.

- Homework, that's wonderful.

[doorbell rings]

Ya see, ya see what happens when Roper's not around?

Ah, Roper, back from the long day's toil, eh?

- What?

- Come in, come in.

- I need some ice.

- Of course you do.

A man needs a cold, refreshing drink

after a hard day's work.

Anne, tell him how good he looks.

[audience laughing]

- How did the job go?

- Oh, that, I didn't take it.

- What did you say?

- I didn't take the job, you see-

- Of course I see.

Why work when you can sponge off your neighbors.

Grow your own ice.

- Jeffrey, get the ice.

[audience laughing]

- Here, try some of this guacamole.

Oh, sorry.

- Isn't guacamole supposed to be green?

- Oh, yeah, Stanley likes ketchup in it.

[audience laughing]

- Hubert, what is this?

- Huh?

[audience laughing]

- First class airline tickets

and hotel accommodations for Acapulco.

- Huh?

[audience laughing]

- Hubert.

- Ethel, you've gone and spoiled it.

- What have I spoiled?

- My surprise for Stanley and Helen.

You know, to make up for the job.

I thought it would be a very nice gesture from you and me.

A nice charitable gesture.

- Charity from me to Helen?

I like it.

[audience laughing]

But why is the room booked in our name,

Mr. and Mrs. Ambrewster?

- It is?

Dumb travel agent, remind me to never use him again.

Uh, Helen, Ethel has something to give you.

- Yes, a little surprise.

I was just telling Hubert,

you've been looking so tired and drawn lately,

and, well, since you can't afford a decent vacation, here.

- Acapulco?

A holiday for two.

Oh, Ethel, this is wonderful.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

[audience laughing]

- That Brookes, whenever he lends you something,

he acts like he's doing you a favor.

- Stanley, Stanley, look.

- I never saw this before in my life.

- Of course you haven't, because it's for you.

- For me, it's not for me.

I'm not going to Acapulco with your secretary.

[audience laughing]

- We made a deal, remember?

- What kind of a deal?

- Nevermind, Helen, I think he's upset.

- Upset, I'll show you upset.

- No, I said I wanna know what kind of a deal.

- I promised I wouldn't give Stanley a job,

and he promised-

- We know what he promised.

- Let me at him.

- Hubert, stay.

[audience laughing]

- Oh, Stanley, how could you?

You lied to me about that job.

Now there's no vacation, no anything.

- Sit.

[audience laughing]

Helen, how long has it been

since you and I spent any time together?

- Oh, I don't know, I guess since we were

little girls at summer camp.

- Oh, yes, we had a wonderful time, remember.

- You set fire to my braids.

[audience laughing]

- And we'll have even more fun this time.

In Acapulco.

- Acapulco?

- Well, why not?

I'm sure our husbands wouldn't object.

- Of course I object.

- Me, too.

- Unless they'd like us to stay here

and remind them of how they tried to trick us.

- Remind them every hour on the hour.

- Could you pick up a little tequila

while you're down there?

[audience laughing]

- Ethel.

- Helen.

[audience applauding]

[upbeat whimsical music]