02x20 - The Rummage Sale

[bunniefuu]

- I think poor little Oscar's gone.

- Oscar.

Oscar.

Come on. Tell Popsi who's a pretty boy.

- He never said that when he was alive.

He's certainly not gonna say it now

[audience laughing]

- Shh, I hear on ticking hour.

- That's your watch.

[audience laughing]

- You're right. He's gone.

Who am I gonna talk to,

and who's gonna greet me when I come home.

- I'll be here.

- Its not the same

[audience laughing]

I mean, he really liked me.

- Ah, come on, Stanley.

It's not the end of the world.

- Try telling Oscar that.

[audience laughing]

- Well anyway, you'll have your memories of him.

- Good memories too.

You remember that time your sister Ethel came over

and he made a Poopsie on her hat?

[audience laughing]

Remember that time he flew up your dress?

[audience laughing]

- I remember.

- I may have to find something to bury him in.

- Oh, there's a cereal box in the kitchen

- Cereal box. Have you no respect?

Besides I wanna use the box tops to enter a contest.

[audience laughing]

You gotta find something better.

How about your jewelry box?

- Oh, no. you don't.

Where would I keep all my,

Oh well, I'll keep all my hair pins in something else.

[audience laughing]

- I'll dig a little hole in the garden.

Oh, why don't you go next door and borrow a shovel.

- Why don't you go?

- Helen, I'm in mourning.

[audience laughing]

- Jeffrey, I'm not sure that I should donate this dress

to the rummage sale.

- Why?

Wasn't this the dress I was wearing when you proposed to me?

- You weren't wearing a dress when I proposed to you.

[audience laughing]

- Oh, yeah.

- Why not?

- Well, because,

[audience laughing]

because mommy, mommy was wearing slacks.

- Oh.

[door bell ringing]

- Why do you sit on a chair, David, where daddy can see you.

[audience laughing]

go at the back and play.

Well, good morning, Mrs. Rover. Come on in.

- Good morning.

Oh, good morning.

I was wondering if I could borrow a shovel,

it's for Stanley.

- I'd hoped you were returning the hedge clippers

Stanley borrowed last year.

[audience laughing]

- Jeffrey

- I'll get the shovel.

- Is Mr. Roper planning on doing some gardening?

- In a way he's planting his bird.

[audience laughing]

- Oscar. What happened to him?

- He died during the night.

- Oh, dear.

[audience laughing]

- Oh, thank you, Mr. Brooks.

Yeah, I think it must've been as hard.

I found him this morning,

legs in the air [speaker drowned by laughter]

[audience laughing and clapping]

- Oh my God.

[audience laughing]

- I thought perhaps just a simple burial.

- Is there anything we can do?

- Oh, no. We're just gonna dig a little hole

at the end of the garden and then drop him in.

[audience laughing]

- Well, I hope the neighbor's cat doesn't dig him up.

[audience laughing]

- Mr. Roper?

- No.

Oscar our parakeet.

- Oh, what a shame.

[audience laughing]

about your bird I mean.

[audience laughing]

- Helen, would you like some coffee?

- Oh, well if you're not too busy.

- Oh no. I was just sorting out some old clothes

for the rummage sale.

- Rummage sale?

- To raise money for our church.

Do you have any old clothes?

- You gotta be kidding.

[audience laughing]

[door slammed]

[footsteps pacing]

- Does he look natural?

- Holding a flower?

[audience laughing]

- Nice touch.

- Well, you better get your funeral over with

because we're going to St. Filbert's church.

They're having a rummage sale.

- Don't you have enough clothes already?

[audience laughing]

- Very funny.

we have to find something to donate.

I volunteered our help.

- Our help.

- Don't give me any trouble Stanley,

this is a chance to join St. Filberts congregation.

- Why would we wanna do that?

- To meet the right people

and says that they have very interesting social activities.

- Activities?

- Oh, I forgot.

You wouldn't know the meaning of that word.

[audience laughing]

Don't worry Stanley,

all you have to do is find a few things to give

to the rummage sale.

- Well, don't give them anything good.

Just give him some junk that we would throw out anyway.

- That describes everything we own.

[audience laughing]

- I don't like the whole idea.

- What've you got against the church?

- Oh, do you remember?

That's where we got married.

[audience laughing]

- Look, I hope you don't talk that way

when Reverend Harper arrives

- He's coming here?

- To pick up our donations.

- Oh good.

Maybe I'll ask him to say a few words over Oscar.

[audience laughing]

- You will not.

Now, let me think.

What else do I have that I don't need anymore?

[audience laughing]

oh.

- Helen,

The body's not even cold

and you're selling his house.

[audience laughing]

- More coffee Reverend?

- Thank you.

- And another thing,

things have gotten completely out of hand

everywhere you look smart, smart, smart,

smartie magazines and smartie newspapers.

Even the drug stores.

- Smartie drugs store?

[audience laughing]

- No, no. Their magazines

especially the new drug store right down the street.

They practically thrust their filthy magazines right

under your nose.

- Oh really? I hadn't noticed.

- Oh, well they're on the top shelf.

Behind the auto magazine.

[audience laughing]

You have to stand on tip toe to,

[audience laughing]

Not that I would.

- Well, I would.

- What?

- I'd rip them from the shelves to keep them

from the eyes of the innocent.

But the way the law has tied our hands,

there's not much we can do about it.

- We can, we can, we can stamp it out.

- That's true.

They haven't tied your feet yet.

- That's right. They

[audience laughing]

- How about this old jacket?

Oh, all this right?

Just put it aside, Jenny.

And I'll throw it out with the garbage

- Yeah. Good idea.

Oh, it's so nice of you to help out.

I don't mind, after all it's for a good cause.

- Yeah.

[door opens]

You found my favorite jacket.

[audience laughing]

I was wondering where it was.

You giving away that dress?

- Stanley that dress is 10 years old.

- But you never wore it.

- I know it's a party dress.

[audience laughing]

- So out of style,

I just hope nobody finds out who donated it.

- Is that why you put your name on the box?

- Oh, yeah. Jenny did that.

[door bell ringing]

- Yeah. If you're gonna give something to charity,

I think they'd like to know where it's coming from.

- Mrs. Ropper.

- Yes. You must be Reverend Harper.

- Mrs Brooks said you might have something for us.

- Yes. Well, a lot of it's been around

for years and may not be very useful.

This is my husband.

[audience laughing]

and this is Jenny [speaking faintly]

Reverend Harper.

- How do you do?

And so your friends of Mr and Mrs. Brooks,

- Yes. - No.

Mr. Brooks is a fine man.

He's a leader in the fight against moral decay.

A man who always strives to be closer to God

- Of course that's why he's always got his nose up

in the air.

[audience laughing]

- Well, I want to thank you for your generosity.

- As I was telling Helen, nothing's too good for the church.

[audience laughing]

- Would you care for a cup of tea, Reverend?

- No, thank you. I can't stay.

I have several more stops to make.

[Helen chuckles]

- With all the rich people in your congregation,

You must make out like a bandit.

[audience laughing]

- Stanley.

- No offense, Padre.

- Is this your,

- Oh, you don't have to lift that.

- Oh, well I don't want to put you to any bother.

- That's no bother.

So about Jenny, you wanna give Helen a hand

with this stuff?

[audience laughing]

- Very thoughtful of you.

- Don't mention it.

I'd like to ask you something.

- Well, I'm a bit busy.

- It's a religious question.

Oh, certainly my son.

- Do birds go to heaven?

[audience laughing]

- Birds?

- Yeah. Well, it'd be right at home there.

He's got the wings and all.

[audience laughing]

- I'm not certain there's a definitive statement

concerning birds in heaven.

- Well, if he doesn't go to heaven

I'd like him to have a nice burial anyway,

you know, with flowers, somebody saying in a few words over-

- That might present something of a problem, Mr. Ropper

- Don't worry about it.

Listen, next time you bury somebody, just slip him in.

[audience laughing]

- Stanley.

You're not ready.

- Ready for what?

- We're going to the rummage sale.

- What for?

- To help out.

- Haven't you helped enough already,

given away all our good stuff?

- I only gave away stuff that we don't need anymore.

Like, Oh, the bird cage, your old gardening magazine,

some old clothes.

- Gardening magazine?

- Yeah. Jenny found them in the store room.

There must have been dozens of them.

- Wait a minute, the ones in the cardboard box?

- Yeah.

- Oh, no.

[audience laughing]

- I hope you don't mind.

- Mind,

mind,

mind?

[audience laughing]

- I think he minds.

[audience laughing]

- It was just a bunch of old gardening magazines.

- Yeah. I had no idea you were saving them.

- Why do you think I kept them in the storeroom?

- That's what I'd like to know, you never do any gardening.

[audience laughing]

- They weren't all gardening magazines,

just the ones on top.

- What was underneath?

- Underneath were art magazines.

[audience laughing]

- Art, what kind of art?

- They're just art.

[audience laughing]

- Art.

[audience laughing]

You told me you threw out all those girly magazines.

- Yeah. I was going to,

- But, but, - but you didn't.

Now I donated a whole box of dirty magazines to the church.

[audience laughing and clapping]

[speaker drowned by noise]

- Me too.

It's very valuable collection.

[audience laughing]

Maybe we can get them back.

- No. They ever found out that we donated them,

they'd never let us join.

- They're gonna find out, Helen.

Jenny, put your name on the box, remember?

- Oh, no.

[Helen screaming]

[audience clapping]

[door slams]

[rubbing hands]

- Jeffrey, how much do you think I should ask

for this hedge Clippers?

- I don't know, let me see.

I'd say $3 at least maybe a little more.

Wait a minute. These are mine.

[audience laughing]

- Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure, I loaned them to Roper

and he gives them to the rummage sale.

[audience laughing]

- I tell you what, since they're yours,

I'll let you have them for $2.

[audience laughing]

- Daddy can I have this comic book?

- David, you know I don't approve

of your reading comic books.

- You read them.

- Only if they're educational.

- Yeah. This is man short man.

- Short man, let me see.

[audience laughing]

A giant Clamb swallows a summary. That's educational.

[audience laughing]

David I'll let you have them for a dollar.

- Can I have a dollar?

- Sure but,

[audience laughing]

Wait a minute.

What have you done to earn a dollar?

- I helped you sell these comic books.

[audience laughing]

- That's right.

[audience laughing]

- Now we're just about ready for business.

As soon as old Mrs. Wilson finishes setting up,

Oh, garden and home. That's one of my little hobbies.

- Really? You know I do a bit of gardening myself.

[Jeffry screams loudly]

[audience laughing]

- What is it?

- There's nothing, It's nothing.

I was just amazed.

Amazed at the wonderful turnout here today.

[audience laughing]

Hello, hello.

- But there's nobody here yet.

- I know that. I'm just practicing.

Hello, hello.

[audience laughing]

- It's hard to believe they grow that long.

[audience laughing]

- What?

- Sunflowers.

- Well Reverend, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'm gonna put this down, I'm not gonna this up

and I would set this little copy aside for you right now.

- Can I see one, Daddy?

- Sure. God no.

No, no,

David, go see how old Mrs. Wilson is.

- Are there anymore?

- No, no. I think it's time to open up the front door.

[audience laughing]

- Now, do we happen to Helen?

She was supposed to be helping out.

- Probably ashamed to show her face.

- Why?

- Never mind.

- Hi, mummy.

- Hi David. You're having fun?

- Daddy told me to go see how old Mrs. Wilson is.

- He said she is 72 if its any of your business.

[audience laughing]

- What?

- He's 72.

- Stanley, smile.

Don't let anybody see that something's wrong.

[audience laughing]

Forget it, you can stop smiling.

Take off that horrible Jacket

and straighten up your shoulders and don't wander off.

- Do you mind if I breathe?

- Yes. I want you to go find those magazines

and sneak them out before somebody sees them.

- It's all Jenny's fault for snooping around.

- Oh, stop blaming Jenny. She feels bad enough already.

- She ought to.

You know how long it took me to collect that, that, that

- That smart.

I don't know how you could buy such trash.

It's cheap, cheap, cheap.

- You sounded just like Oscar.

[audience laughing]

- Mrs. Roper,

I was just browsing through your magazines.

[audience laughing]

- You were?

- Whereas it seems we share some of the same interests.

- We do?

- You'd be surprised at some of the things I've done

behind the church.

[audience laughing]

- Reverend Harper.

- Well it helps me to relax

while I work on my weekly serving.

[audience laughing]

- Roper, anything in particular

you're frantically searching for?

- I just browsing.

- Hoping I can find a book.

- A book.

Oh, here's something interesting.

The history of strip mining in Brazil

- I'll wait for the movie.

[audience laughing]

You don't happen to have any gardening magazines, do you?

Gardening magazines, gardening magazine, let me,

or did the Reverend buy them all?

- The Reverend?

- Or was it his wife?

What? Say didn't you contribute some gardening magazine?

- Not me, Helen, Helen

but she didn't know what my plans were for the spring.

I wanna plan a lot of locks and [speaker drowned by noise],

- Could, could these be yours?

- I'll take the whole box.

- Wait a minute. Now, how much are you willing to offer?

- 0.50 Cents?

- 0.50 cents each. Well, that's very generous.

- No 50 cents for the whole box.

- Oh, come on Roper.

They're worth a lot more than that.

I'd say $35,

- But I donated them.

- Oh yes. And the most generous act of charity it was.

You only, you know, the real worth of this box.

- Golly. Let's take a look.

- No, no. Never mind, I'll take it.

[audience laughing]

$ 35. It does go to charity. Doesn't it?

- Well, I think you get a lot of wear out of it.

Thank you.

Oh, hi Helen.

- Hi Ann.

Oh, Hey.

What a nice jacket.

- I'll let you have it for $5.

- Mommy. How much is a dead bird?

[audience laughing]

- Well, now that fits much better.

What do you think?

- I Feel like a Popsicle.

[audience laughing]

But that was a real bargain.

It only costs $5.

- What'd you do with my old Jacket?

- Oh, that came in real handy.

I needed something to wrap up the garbage.

[audience laughing]

- What?

- Speaking of garbage Stanley,.

I want you to get rid of those filthy magazines.

- After all the trouble I went through to get this back?

- I will not have that trash in my house.

- Helen, there's nothing wrong

with looking at the human body.

- Then how come you never wanna look at mine?

[audience laughing]

- I've seen it.

[audience laughing and clapping]

- Look at these obscene magazines.

Amateur gardeners, Rose garden journal,

- Garden and home.

These are all gardening magazines.

[audience laughing]

- Take that short man shouts

and hits the royal pirate in a snorkel [speaking faintly]

Gurgle.

Gurgle.

[audience laughing]

gurgle.

And sinks to the bottom of the sea.

How'd you like that David?

[audience laughing]

David, David.

[door bell ringing]

[door opens]

- I'd like a word with you, bro.

- Roper, I've been expecting you.

Isn't that my jacket?

That's my jacket.

- How should I know?

Helen got this at the church sale.

- Roper. I've had that jacket since prep school.

I'd like to buy it back.

- I don't know.

[audience laughing]

I've gotten kind of attached to it.

- How much?

- Well, if it means that much to you

- How much?

- I'll make a deal with you,

you know those magazines that I bought from you?

- Yes.

- Well, underneath them were other magazines.

- What about them?

- You tell me where they are, what you did with them.

I'll give you this jacket.

- All right.

All right.

All right.

It's a deal.

- Okay. What'd you do with that?

I threw them in the incinerator

[audience laughing]

- Give me my jacket.

- What's going on?

He burned the magazines.

What are you doing?

A deal's a deal.

- And Mrs. Roper, what happened to the sleep?

Didn't I mention that Roper a deal's a deal, bro.

Mr. Brooks, and can lengthen them for Jeffrey.

What were these magazines doing on your dresser?

Girly girl, new broad saving to those

to a burn them in the fireplace.

We don't have a fireplace or we don't have one number.

We're going to have one very, very soon picture.

If you will, a fireplace over here

somewhere over here, a big fluid.

If we can, all.