02x19 - Old Flames

[bunniefuu]

[playful orchestral music]

- Mama's coming from Phoenix

and she'll be here any minute now.

- She was just here.

- Three months ago.

- See, she's making a habit of it.

[audience laughs]

[doorbell rings]

- Oh, there she is now.

- I knew I shouldn't have had that bell fixed.

- Mom. - Helen.

Oh, it's good to see you.

- Come on in.

- Oh, hello, Hubert.

[audience laughs]

I see you got a new doorbell.

- Stanley.

- Stanley.

Yes, that's a very good brand.

[audience laughs]

- You're looking good, Mama.

- Oh, I feel good.

And thank god my mind is as sharp as a tack, Hubert.

[audience laughs]

- That's Stanley.

- I didn't hear it ring.

[audience laughs]

- Mama, why don't you just sit down?

- Oh, thank you.

- How was your flight?

- Oh, very nice, thank you.

Oh, that reminds me.

Somebody called before I left, asking for you.

You'll never guess who.

[audience laughs]

- Who?

- Who what?

[audience laughs]

- Who called?

- Oh.

Oh, Tom Cummins.

- Tom Cummins?

- Who's he?

- He was the Sergeant at the USO

where Helen worked during that w*r we had.

[audience laughs]

He was so handsome.

- Oh yeah.

- Probably fat and bald now.

- Tom?

Oh, I doubt it.

He'd never let himself go the way Stanley has.

[audience laughs]

- Hey, that's me you're talking about.

- You?

Why, you're nothing like Tom.

You're more like Stanley.

[audience laughs]

- I am Stanley.

- Pity.

[audience laughs]

Tom wants to see you again.

- He does?

- What?

She's a married woman.

And besides, you wouldn't want to see him anyway.

Right, Helen?

- Right.

Did he leave a number?

[audience laughs]

- He's coming to Los Angeles

and he wants to have a little reunion with you.

Eight o'clock on the third

at the Wilshire Fairmont Hotel.

- The third?

But that's today.

- Jeffrey, I thought you'd be at the office today.

- Nah, I changed my mind.

It's Saturday.

Besides, I have something for David

I can't wait to show him.

Ta-da.

[audience laughs]

- Jeffrey, he'll love that.

In 10 years, when he grows into it.

[audience laughs]

- It's the smallest size they had.

Now, where is the little engineer?

- Playing.

- Playing.

Can't keep his hands off daddy's old train set, can he?

David.

Dave.

What is this?

- It's my space station.

- It's a dirty old inner tube

and you shouldn't be playing with it.

- Jeffrey, he's enjoying himself.

- Where did you get this?

We're miles from the nearest garbage dump.

- But Mr. Roper--

- That's right, I forgot about the dump next door.

[audience laughs]

- Jeffrey.

- Oh, that's just like Roper.

Foisting his refuse on an innocent child.

- But he didn't.

David traded the train set for it.

- Oh, well, that's different.

[audience laughs]

He what?

Your train set?

No, he can't do that.

No, no, David.

You go next door and you get it right back,

do you understand?

- But I can't.

- Why?

- We said keeps.

[audience laughs]

- Oh, hi, Jenny.

Something wrong?

- I'm just tired of sketching fruit.

You can't believe how boring it gets

staring at something that just lays there.

- Oh, yes I can.

[audience laughs]

- Hey, what's that?

- Oh, it's just some old pictures

of back when I was in the USO.

- Oh yeah, let's see.

Oh, look at you.

Ooh, you were really cutting loose there, weren't you?

- Yeah, well, I guess in those days,

I wasn't afraid to do crazy impulsive things.

- What made you stop?

- One day I went too far and married Mr. Roper.

[audience laughs]

- Ooh, who's he?

- Oh, that's an old beaux.

He's in town and wants me to have a drink with him tonight.

- Oh, nice.

- Oh, look.

That's a picture of the girls at the USO.

[laughs]

They were all so crazy about Tom.

- Boy, fashions sure were different then, huh?

I mean, when was the last time you saw dresses like those.

- The last time I looked in my closet.

[audience laughs]

Do you think I should go, Jenny?

- If you want to.

- Yeah, but after all, I'm a married woman.

It might upset Stanley.

- Well, then maybe you shouldn't go.

- Why can't I go out just one night for a harmless reunion?

- You can.

- I can't.

- Then don't.

- But I want to.

- Then do.

- You're right, I won't.

- Whatever you say.

- Make up your mind, Jenny.

[audience laughs]

- I'm back.

- Oh, did you drop Mom off at Ethel's?

[Stanley sighs]

What's the matter?

- I think I need a new set of shock absorbers.

- Why?

- I ran over a pothole and it shook the car so much

your mother's false teeth fell out.

[audience laughs]

- Poor Mama.

- Yeah.

[audience laughs]

- Well, I got to get to work.

Mr. Roper, would you mind posing for me?

- Mind?

It'd be a pleasure.

- Good.

Take off your clothes.

- What? [audience laughs]

- Oh well.

Guess I'll just have to stick to fruit.

[audience laughs]

- What's that, Helen?

- Nothing.

- Oh, I bet you were looking at a picture

of that Tom guy, weren't you?

- No.

- Well listen, you're not the only one

who had a few flings around here.

Before I met you, there were a lot of women in my life.

- Yeah, what was her name?

[audience laughs]

- Gloria Mealy.

[audience laughs] - That's nice.

- Let me see that.

- [laughs] You're jealous.

- No, I'm not.

I just don't like a guy calling you up

after all these years.

You're not gonna see him, are you?

- No.

Stanley, hey.

I just thought of something.

You remember that little restaurant we used to go to?

- Restaurant?

- Yeah, you know, the little Italian one down at the beach?

- Oh, the one with the wine bottles hanging over our head.

- Yeah, and the candles on the tables.

- Oh yeah.

We haven't been there for years.

- Right, well, can't we go down there

and have some of that lasagna they make?

- Why?

[audience laughs]

- I just thought it would be a sort of romantic thing to do.

It'd be just like old times.

- No, it wouldn't.

They probably charge $4 for the pizza now.

[audience laughs]

- Okay.

Forget it.

- Helen, what did I say?

[audience laughs]

[audience whoops]

You're all dressed up.

- You noticed?

[audience laughs]

- I thought you weren't going to go tonight.

- I changed my mind.

- I see.

What's that?

- Oh, just some perfume I bought this afternoon.

- Desire.

The scent that creates a mood of passion.

[audience laughs]

[audience laughs]

Doesn't do anything for me.

[audience laughs]

- It creates a mood, Stanley, not a miracle.

[audience laughs]

- I know why you're doing this.

You're trying to make me jealous.

Well, it won't work.

Go ahead, go see your old boyfriend.

It won't bother me, go ahead.

- All right, I will.

- You will not.

- Give me one good reason why I shouldn't go.

- I'm your husband and I forbid it.

- I said a good reason.

[audience laughs]

- Helen.

- Look, Stanley, I may not enjoy myself tonight.

I may even feel guilty.

I may be thinking about you the entire evening,

but just the same, I'm going.

- Go ahead.

Go ahead.

[door slams]

Two can play at this game, you know.

[audience laughs]

Home information?

Give me the telephone number of Gloria Mealy.

[audience laughs]

Mealy, M-E-A-L-Y.

I'll show her.

[audience applauds]

Well, when will she be back?

It's an old boyfriend of hers.

Stanley Roper, we used to...

You're not her husband, are you?

[audience laughs]

Oh, her mother?

[audience laughs]

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, just tell her that Stanley Roper called at 555-3099.

Thanks.

One down, none to go.

[audience laughs]

[doorbell rings]

Helen.

Want to kiss and make up?

[audience laughs]

- What?

- Brookes, it's you.

- I know it's me, I want my choo-choo train.

[audience laughs]

- Sure.

- Roper, did you hear what I said?

- It's on the table.

- I must say, you're taking this very well.

- Brookes, you busy?

- Well, I--

- I want to talk to you.

- Okay, okay.

Roper, is something the matter?

- Yeah.

I've given up on women.

[audience laughs]

- What?

- It's not the same with them as it is with men.

[audience laughs]

- What are you talking about?

- I'm talking about loyalty and love.

- What? [audience laughs]

- I love Helen.

- Well, thank god.

[audience laughs]

- What happened to good old-fashioned virtues,

like faithfulness?

- Oh, I know what you mean.

[phone rings]

[audience laughs]

- Wives.

Give them the best years of your life.

They turn around, what do they do?

They stab you right in the back.

[phone rings]

Hello.

Gloria.

[audience laughs]

Oh, I'm glad you got my message.

Stanley Roper.

You remember.

Athletic, good-looking.

[audience laughs]

Lot of fun.

Roper.

R-O-P.

We went out a couple of years ago, remember?

I think it was 1951.

[audience laughs]

Well, we had such a good time

that I thought you might want to do it again tonight.

You would?

[audience laughs]

Listen, I know just the place.

The Wilshire Fairmont Hotel.

[audience laughs]

Huh?

Well, we could each wear a red rose.

About 8:30?

Yeah.

I'm looking forward to it too.

Bye.

[audience laughs]

Wrong number.

[audience laughs]

[soft piano music]

- Oh, I'm sorry I'm late.

But I almost didn't come at all.

- Glad you're here.

[audience laughs]

- Well, you know, I've never done anything like this before.

Not that there's anything to feel guilty about,

but after all, I am a married woman and--

[forehead clinks] [audience laughs]

Tom?

Tom?

- Nice to meet you, Tom.

I'm Chester.

- Chester! [audience laughs]

- Can I get you something?

- Yeah, a cab.

I want to go home.

- Come on, let me fix something to relax you with.

- No thank you.

- My own concoction.

Three kinds of fruit juice and a splash of vodka.

- Well.

- I could hold the vodka.

- Could you hold the fruit juice?

[audience laughs]

- You're the doctor.

Well, I take it that you're not staying here at the hotel.

- No.

- Then I guess you're here for an affair.

[Helen spits] [audience laughs]

The Hardigan wedding.

- Oh.

- May I?

- Oh, thank you.

Oh dear.

I'm meeting somebody

and I don't want him to see me like this.

- And why not?

You look lovely.

- Tom?

- Helen.

[laughs]

- Oh.

[both laugh]

- So, how are you?

- Well, you know.

- Well, if I knew, I wouldn't be here.

Tonight, I'm going to find out all about you.

We're going to catch up on a lot of years.

- How about a drink?

- I'll have the same as the lady's having.

So, Helen, I don't have to tell you how great you look.

- Do it anyway.

[Tom chuckles] [audience laughs]

- You look great.

You are still that same, sweet lovely girl I knew back then.

Haven't changed a bit.

[chuckles]

[Helen chuckles]

[Tom coughs]

[audience laughs]

Well, maybe a little.

[audience laughs]

So, these days, you're--

- Married.

[Tom laughs]

- Well, I was going to say living in Los Angeles.

So you're married?

- Yeah.

- Well, what's he like?

- Who?

[audience laughs]

- Your husband.

- Oh, Steven.

I mean Stanley.

[audience laughs]

Oh, he's the same as usual.

- Well, that's nice.

Grab your drink.

- Oh, where are we going?

- Upstairs, I booked a private room.

- Private room?

- Oh, I'm not rushing you

if you'd like to finish your drink.

[audience laughs]

- No.

- Well then, what is it?

- Well, I...

Do we have to go up to your room?

I mean, couldn't we just stay here

and do what we've been doing?

- And miss the best part?

Come on.

- Tom?

I can't.

But thank you for asking.

- Well, what are you talking about you can't?

The others are waiting.

- Others?

- Yes.

Shirley and Virginia and Eleanor.

All the others.

The old g*ng from the USO Club.

You don't want them to start the reunion without us, do you?

- Oh, oh no.

No, of course not.

- Helen, are you feeling all right?

- Oh, oh.

[laughs] I'm feeling just fine.

Well, let's go.

We don't want to keep the others waiting.

- Now you're talking.

[both laugh]

Here we go.

[audience laughs]

- Can I get you something?

- I'm looking for a woman.

- You've come to the wrong place.

[audience laughs]

You'll have to ask the bell captain.

[audience laughs]

- I'm talking about my wife.

She's got red hair, red dress.

Smells like desire.

- You just missed her.

- Oh no.

Well, I'll stick around and wait for my date.

[audience laughs]

- Your date?

- Sure wish I could remember what she looked like.

- How is she supposed to recognize you?

- Why do you think I'm wearing the red rose?

- I'll say this, you sure got style.

[audience chuckles]

[audience laughs]

[audience laughs]

- Oh, wow.

[audience laughs]

Ooh, I love a classy place like this.

Hey, what do you gotta do to get a drink around here?

- What can I get for you?

- A double rum and Coke and put it on a tab.

I got a free ride tonight.

[audience laughs]

- Oh yeah, you expecting company?

- Yes, some guy I barely remember

called me up out of nowhere.

I sure hope he can afford to spring for a good time.

[audience laughs]

- Is he supposed to be wearing a red rose?

- [Gloria] Yeah.

- I think you'll find him in one of those booths over there.

- Oh yeah? - Yeah.

[audience laughs]

- I don't see him.

- That's funny.

He was here a second ago.

[audience groans]

- Oh.

Hello, Stanley.

- Hi, Helen.

Did you have a good time?

- Oh yeah, wonderful.

We had music and wine up in his room,

just Tom and me.

And 12 other people.

[audience laughs]

He invited the whole g*ng from the USO.

- Oh.

- Well, aren't you gonna laugh at me?

- I wouldn't do that.

Just hope you learned a lesson, that's all.

I mean, you can't go back.

Life moves on.

- Boy, that sure is the truth.

- Well, at least we have each other.

- You know, Stanley?

I thought about you a lot tonight.

- I thought about you too.

I couldn't think about anything else.

- Really?

[phone rings]

Oh.

[laughs]

[audience laughs]

Hello?

What?

It's for you.

- Who is it?

- It's Gloria Mealy.

[audience laughs]

She said she waited for you at the bar for over an hour.

- I can explain that.

- Mr. Roper has a previous engagement

at the county hospital!

[audience laughs]

You couldn't think of anybody but me all night.

- Hold it, hold it, hold it.

[audience awws]

- Oh, Stanley.

What is this?

- You said something about

you wanted to go to that Italian restaurant

and I didn't know what time you'd come home,

so I got a pizza and--

- Oh, Stanley.

[audience applauds]

[playful orchestral music]