02x22 - Mother's Wake

[bunniefuu]

[whimsical music]

- One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

One.

Two.

Three.

- Is this really supposed to make you feel better?

- Ah, come on, Mrs. Roper, you're doing great.

Here.

Here's another one.

Now, walk.

[audience chuckling]

There, that wasn't so bad, was it?

- No, that was easy.

- Okay, girls.

Now, our chest exercise.

And.

- [Women] We must.

We must.

We must increase our bust.

[audience laughing]

- Care to join us, Mr. Roper? - Forget about Mr. Roper.

He doesn't believe in doing anything strenuous.

- I don't believe in wasting time.

All that running and jumping doesn't get you anywhere.

- Oh, I don't know about that.

Jeffrey runs two miles every day.

- Where does he wind up?

- Right back at our house.

- You see, all that exercise doesn't get you anywhere.

- Mr. Roper, regular exercise

is just a way of showing respect for your body.

I believe everyone should respect their body like a temple.

- Not Stanley.

He treats his like a museum.

[laughing]

- Okay, back to work, Mrs. Roper.

- Okay. [doorbell ringing]

- Here's one that'll make a new woman out of you.

- Good, try that one, Helen.

- Very funny.

- Roper, your car is blocking the driveway.

I had to push it out of the way.

- What?

- I'd just like to know how you expected me to get to work.

- Thought you might try running.

- You're gonna have to try a little running yourself.

- Why?

- I didn't put your brake on.

- You didn't put my...

- One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

- Very good.

Very good.

Um, off to work, Anne.

- Think we look pretty good, huh?

- Pretty good, no, no.

You look marvelous.

Of course, you're doing it all wrong.

- Hey, wait a minute, what do you mean

we're doing it all wrong?

- Ah, it doesn't matter.

Who's gonna notice?

- You, for one.

- No, really, we'd like to know the right way to do it.

- Yeah.

- All right, if you insist.

Well, you see, ladies, it's really quite simple.

Now, let's scoot this out of the way.

And follow me, ladies.

And, one. - One.

- Two. - Two.

- Ah. - Ah.

[audience laughing]

- I don't know if I can do that.

- It's his back.

He's thrown it out again.

- Oh, how terrible.

[Jeffrey groaning]

- Sometimes, it lasts for hours.

You can hear him all over the neighborhood.

[Jeffrey yelling]

- What do you do?

- Oh, I usually go to a movie.

- But what do you do now?

- I get his pills. - No, no.

No you don't.

Last time I took those pills, I got so spaced out

I tried to walk across the neighbors' swimming pool.

- Here, I think you better sit down, Mr. Brookes.

- I can't move, Jenny.

- Sure you can.

[Jeffrey shrieks] See?

- Now I really can't move.

- Maybe Jenny can help.

She fixed my neck, remember, Jenny?

- I suppose it couldn't hurt.

- That's easy for you to say.

- Just relax, Mr. Brookes.

- No, no, no.

Oh, oh.

Oh.

[audience laughing] Oh.

- There.

How does it feel?

- That's completely better.

I mean, it actually feels that...

[grunting]

My neck.

My neck.

- I'll get his pills.

- What's he doing here?

- Oh, he threw his back out.

- Good, now I'll throw out the rest of him.

- No.

You'll do nothing of the kind.

- Helen, he pushed our car in the neighbors' lawn.

- I, doesn't matter, he can't be moved.

- Is that true?

- Yeah, he can't even get out of his chair.

- He can't? - That's right.

- Oh, that's terrible.

[audience laughing]

[doorbell ringing]

- Mama.

- Ethel.

- It's Helen.

- Where?

- Me.

I'm Helen.

- Oh, yes.

- Oh, Stanley, it's Mama.

Isn't that a lovely surprise?

- Yeah, lovely.

- I can only stay a few days.

- Oh, what a shame.

- Stanley, get Mama's bags and pay for the cab.

And we insist that you stay longer than just a few days.

- No, dear, I only planning to stay in town long enough

to see you and your sister and to make out my will.

- Your will?

- Make out your will?

Sit down, Mother, make yourself comfortable.

I'll go get your bags.

- Thank you, Hubert.

- Mama?

Are you all right?

- I never felt better.

- Hi, again.

- Oh, you remember Jenny.

- Yes, your oldest.

She has your eyes and Hubert's chin.

- No, Mama, you don't understand.

Jenny lives with us.

- Well, why shouldn't she?

She's far too young to leave home.

Oh, by the way, I asked Hilda and Helen to meet me here.

- That's Ethel.

- No, Ethel can't make it,

she has five children to take care of.

- That's Hilda.

And it isn't five, it's six.

- Oh, how nice.

Do you suppose she'll bring Stanley with her?

- That's Freddie.

Mama, Hilda is married to Freddie.

Fertile Freddie?

How anyone could confuse him with Stanley.

- I know what you mean.

I'd never confuse you with Stanley, Freddie.

- What?

- Shouldn't your wife be here with you?

- My wife?

No, no, no, she's gone to get some pills.

- Well, it's about time. [audience laughing]

You should've thought of that three babies ago.

- No, no, no, the pills are for me.

- Well, if you think they're for you,

no wonder Hilda's always pregnant.

[audience laughing]

- Please, my back hurts.

- I should think it would. [audience laughing]

- No, no, you...

[shrieking]

- Well, you don't have to bark at me.

- Here are your bags, Mother.

Can I bring anything else?

Any coffee?

- No, thank you, I'll get it.

I want to give Freddie a chance to cool off.

- At least let me pour it for you.

You know what we oughta put on this wall?

That picture of your mother in a gilded frame.

- Oh, the one that you said got lost when we moved here

from the apartment building?

- I just remembered where it got lost.

It's in the garage in front of my dartboard.

[audience laughing]

- Oh, Anne, don't ever leave me here alone again.

- Oh.

Poor baby.

You'll feel better when you take one

of these pills for the pain.

- No, I don't want them.

I told you what happens to me when I take those things.

- But the doctor can't get away.

You might have to wait here for a couple of hours.

- Here?

I'll take three.

- Jeffrey. - I'll take four.

Give me the bottle.

- Thank you, Hubert.

- It's Stanley.

Stanley brought in your bags.

Stanley paid your cab fare.

Stanley sprung for the tip.

- Yes, and when you see Stanley, thank him for me.

[audience laughing]

- Would you like some cream? - No, thank you.

- How about some sugar? - No, thank you.

- Who are you leaving your money to?

- Well, I hadn't made up my mind yet.

I want my money to bring happiness.

- Me too.

- I don't want it squandered on lawyers or divorce.

- What?

- I'm not leaving one cent to any of my daughters

who isn't happily married.

- But that's not fair.

[audience laughing]

Did you miss me, sweetheart?

- Sweetheart?

[audience laughing]

- I can't keep my hands off her.

- Stanley, have you been drinking?

- Only the kisses from your lips.

You can't be happier than that.

- Too bad Stanley isn't more like you.

- How do you feel?

- A little better.

The pills are starting to work.

[doorbell ringing] - Oh, that must be Ethel.

- I thought I heard a dog howling.

- Ethel.

- Helen.

[lips smooching] [audience laughing]

Oh, wait.

Hilda's coming.

Darling.

- Helen.

- Oh, I am so happy to see you.

I can't tell you how much I've missed you, Mother.

- Hilda.

Oh, Hilda, you didn't tell us.

- Oh, I know.

I got tired of hearing not again.

Hi, Mother.

- Hilda...

Not again. [audience laughing]

I think you should get a refund on those pills.

[audience laughing]

- Hello, how are you, Mr. Brookes?

- Well, actually-- - Mother, you and I

have got to talk.

Privately?

- Well, I can't move.

You see, I have this severe back problem.

- Oh dear.

What a shame.

[audience laughing]

[loud crashing]

Now, let's us have a little talk

about your will, Mommy dearest.

- You know, Stanley, I'm worried.

- So am I.

I think Ethel's gonna ease us out of the will.

- Not about that.

I'm worried about Mama.

I mean, why would she make out a will unless...

- Oh, come on, Helen.

You know your mother.

She's just being practical.

- Then you don't think she's really sick?

- No, she's not sick. [doorbell ringing]

Just be our luck she'll be around

for another 10 or 20 years.

- The Roper residence? - Yes, it is.

- Good, just on time.

- Hold it.

Hold it, hold it.

Hold it.

What is this?

- Hot hors d'oeuvres.

Cold cuts.

- I didn't order this.

- No cold cuts?

- I didn't order anything.

- That's right, Hubert, I did.

- What?

- That's why you're all here.

This is my party.

Helen, you may want to invite some of the neighbors in.

- Oh, a surprise party.

Oh, Mama, that's so exciting.

What's it for?

- For my wake.

[audience gasping]

[audience applauding]

- Are you all right?

- I never felt better.

- Then why are you doing this?

- Helen, I'm ashamed of you.

Why, the answer is as plain as the nose on your face.

- Yes, dear.

- You see?

- Tell her.

- Tell her?

Well, the reason that she wants to have a wake is because,

um, well-- - Go on, Ethel, tell us.

- Well, she thinks that-- - Ethel, dear.

I'm afraid your mind is beginning to wander.

[audience laughing]

I wanted to have my wake now while I'm still alive

so I could enjoy it.

- Where did you get such a great idea, Mother?

- At my friend Sybil Wilson's wake.

You should've heard the lovely things they said

about how nice she looked.

She never heard things like that when she was alive.

Of course, she never looked that good when she was alive.

- Mother, just what is it that you're trying to say?

- Well, I want to hear all the lovely things

that people have to say about me.

I hope you won't be too shy.

- Well, I for one don't need any excuse

to say nice things about my mother.

- Oh, that's a lovely thing to say.

- Take my left hand, Mother, it's closer to my heart.

[audience laughing]

- I don't need an excuse either.

And you're not even my mother.

- Oh, that's a lovely thing to say too.

- Why, you're the most wonderful mother

that a daughter could have.

- Thank you.

- And you're an even better mother-in-law.

- Why, you're kind.

- You're generous.

- You're devoted. - You're wise.

- You're, um, you're, um-- - Your bill.

- Oh.

Mother, let me take care of that.

- Give me that.

- What are you doing? - This is my house.

- This is my mother.

- This is $385?

You're right, this is your mother.

[audience laughing]

- This is the most depressing thing I have ever seen.

- Yeah, the way they're eating,

there won't be any leftovers.

- I meant this party is morbid.

- Well, it's what Mama would've wanted.

I mean, what she wants.

- What Mother wants, she doesn't know what she wants.

- Wasn't this a good idea? - It was a wonderful idea.

I was telling Helen that you are an inspiration to us all.

- Yes, and I'm sure your wake will be an inspiration too.

- It will be for me. [audience chuckling]

- Excuse us.

Stanley, what's the matter with you?

- What's the matter with me?

You see the way your sister is buttering up your mother?

- I know, it's disgusting.

[audience laughing]

- Roper.

[audience chuckling]

Roper.

- What?

- The pills made me thirsty.

- So?

[Jeffrey's lips smacking]

For crying out loud.

- Hi, Mr. Roper. - Oh, hello.

How are you?

Good to see you. [audience laughing]

- Oh, hello.

- Good afternoon.

I was visiting my son across the way

and came over as soon as I heard about Mrs. Roper's mother.

Oh, what a tragedy.

- Pig in a blanket?

- No, thank you.

I thought I might say a few appropriate words to the family.

- The family?

- About the deceased.

- Well, say them to me, I'm the deceased.

- What?

- Come on, have a drink.

- Mm.

This chicken is delicious.

- Could you give this plate to Mr. Brookes, please?

- Mm, sure.

Hi, Mr. Brookes.

- Hi.

- Would you like a breast or a thigh?

[audience laughing]

- He can get that at home.

Aren't you in enough pain already?

[audience laughing]

- Are you trying to tell me that you don't want any

of Mother's money?

- That's right.

- I get it, you want her house.

Well, if you think I'm going to stand idly by while you--

- I don't want her house or her money or anything.

- Is this some sort of a trick?

- No, it is not a trick.

I just don't want a lot of family squabbles.

Ethel, you're my sister and, well, I love you and Hilda

too much to want anything to come between us.

- I am so ashamed.

And here all the time I thought...

Oh, Helen, I'll never forget this.

You have really opened my eyes.

- Then you don't want to be in the will either.

- You must be out of your mind.

- The first time I agree with Ethel.

- What?

- You must be out of your mind.

Telling her you don't want to be in your mother's will.

Will you listen to me?

[audience laughing]

Do you mind?

[chair squeaking]

[audience laughing]

- I'm so sorry.

- Can I drive you somewhere?

- Shame on you, Freddie.

And in her condition.

- Mother.

- Takes two to tango, honey.

- Oh, no, I didn't see him drive up behind me.

- That's sneaky.

And you, you must learn to say no once in awhile.

And this certainly can't be doing your back any good.

- Mother, you're a little confused.

He is not the father.

- He isn't?

- Of course not.

- Oh, Hilda, what about all the other children?

Who's responsible for them?

- What?

Oh, Mother.

What a thing to...

I'm, I'm...

I just don't understand you.

- Poor girl.

And she thinks I'm confused.

- How about you?

Can I drop you somewhere?

[audience laughing]

- Well, Jenny, what do you think of this whole crazy affair?

- I love it.

- You do?

- Yes, it's a wonderful idea.

- It is?

- Sure.

Friends and family gathered here to honor your mother.

Oh, and she's having a blast.

What more could you ask?

- I'd like to get a peek at that will.

- Stanley.

- You know, it's just like a birthday party.

Only thing missing is the presents.

- Presents.

Now, why didn't I think of that?

- Think of what, Mama?

- Well, what's the use of waiting until I'm six feet under

before you get all my things?

I can give them to you now

while I can enjoy the look on your faces.

- That's a great idea.

If it makes her happy. [audience laughing]

- What do you think, Freddie?

- Fine with me, Mom. [audience laughing]

- Your father always loved automobiles.

So he bought automobile stock every chance he had.

So now, for Ethel-- - Oh, just a minute, Mother.

To avoid any chance of a misunderstanding,

you do mean me Ethel

and not Helen Ethel or Hilda Ethel, right?

- Who's Hilda Ethel?

- Go ahead, Mother.

- For Ethel, 500 shares of Pierce-Arrow.

- Thanks.

That's just marvelous.

Oh, Mother...

Pierce-Arrow?

Mother, they went out of business 50 years ago.

This is worthless.

- Oh no, your father said to hold onto them.

And now, for Helen. - Here we go, Helen.

- Here's 200 shares of Tucker Motors

and 1,000 shares of Auburn Motors.

- Worthless.

- Thank you, Mama.

- Wait a minute.

Let me see those.

Peerless.

Locomobile.

Jordan.

Stoddard-Dayton.

These are worthless.

They're all worthless.

Kissell.

Trackmobile.

IBM.

IBM?

Mother, you have 500 shares of IBM.

- Yes.

- Who are you gonna give those to?

- I'm going to keep those.

I hear they're worth a bundle.

[audience laughing and applauding]

[upbeat music]