01x20 - No Girls Allowed

[bunniefuu]

- Ladies, gentlemen,
and assorted stuffed animals,

welcome to the Annual Bulldogs'
Team Banquet and Roast.

- I don't know if I'm
comfortable doing this.

- Bella, look,
I know you don't like

making fun of people,
all right?

But the team looks forward
to this roast every year,

And as QB, your job
is to insult the team

and your jokes need
to be on point.

Trust me. I did it last year.

And I k*lled.

- Okay, I got this.

- All right. Now, remember,
don't hold back.

- Okay.
[laughing]

Knock knock.
- Who's there?

- Bulldogs boo.

- Bulldogs boo who?

- Why are you crying,
Bulldogs?

Can't you handle
my rocket-fast passes?

Sha-booyah!
[drops microphone]

Huh? Yeah?

- Oh, what's that, Sugarcube?

If you had legs,
you'd leave the room?

I feel ya.

Bella, look, it needs to be
meaner and more personal.

- Really?

I don't want anyone to
take it the wrong way.

- They won't. That's the whole
point of a roast.

It's a chance to say
anything and everything

you've been thinking
about the team.

There have to be some things
you've thought,

but haven't said out loud.

- Well, there may be
a few things.

I started a journal
when I joined the team.

- That's just since
you joined the team?

- That's just since
last month.

- Oh, I have to see that.

- No, I...I don't
think you want to.

It's pretty Troy-heavy.

- All right, but I'm
an expert at this.

I just wanna make
sure you look good

by making us look bad.

- I can handle this.

Oh, yeah, I can handle this.

- Pass...pass me that--
- No.

- ♪

- ♪ You won't find
me in the bleachers ♪

- ♪ Yeah that girl
is one of us ♪

- ♪ I'm made of spice
and sugar ♪

- ♪ She's pretty...
she's pretty tough ♪

- ♪ Then add
a little glitter ♪

- ♪ She off in
a cloud of dust ♪

- ♪ And you get...
you get... ♪

- ♪ A game changer,
play maker ♪

♪ Take the ball,
she'll see ya later ♪

- ♪ I'm on a dreamlike,
teamlike ♪

♪ Livin' like
one of the boys ♪

- ♪ She got it goin', goin',
she got it goin' on ♪

- ♪ Play like Friday night

♪ Kickin' like
one of the boys ♪

- ♪ She got it goin', goin',
she got it goin' on ♪

- ♪ One of the boys

- BELLA: When I joined
the football team,

I was worried that
I wasn't man enough.

then I walked in
on you guys dancing

to the girliest pop song ever

and I realized
I may not be woman enough!

- That's what I'm
talking about! Yeah!

- ALL: [laughing, cheering,
applauding]

- She got you guys.
[laughing]

- What are you
laughing at, Coach?

It was your CD.

- ALL: Ohhhh!

- COACH: Yeah. Mine.
[laughing]

- Newt, good news, buddy.

I talked to Sophie

and she's finally willing
to go out with you.

Here are a few dates
she has open.

The 12th of Never.
- ALL: [laughing]

- The day you wake up
as Harry Styles.

- ALL: [laughing]

- Oh, and when pigs fly!

- ALL: [laughing]

- Sawyer has a pig
and I have a zip line, so...

brunch?

- [silently] No.

- And where's The Troy?

Is he listening or just staring
into a shiny spoon

to see how good he looks?
- What?

Oh, you got me!
- ALL: [laughing]

- Seriously, have you been
to the Starcade with this guy?

He tells you where to sit,
what to order,

and what compliments
to give him.

- ALL: [laughing]
- No, it's true. It's true.

Last week, he told me to order
a large pepperoni pizza

and compliment
his chewin' skills.

- ALL: [laughing]
- He got you, brah.

- Seriously?
I don't even know you, brah.

Back up.

All right, guys, very funny.
Let's leave the jokes to Bella.

[laughing] Who's next?

- No, do more Troy jokes.

- ALL: More! Yeah!
[applauding]

- Wait, okay,
serious question.

Does anyone smell
something funky?

Oh, wait, it's Sawyer's
gym locker.

I can smell it
all the way from here!

- ALL: [laughing]

- Woo! Ooh!

- Yeah, that's
what we all say

any time we walk past it.
Woo! Ooh!

- ALL: [laughing]

- His locker is such a mess,

a rat reported him
to the Board of Health.

- ALL: [laughing]

- And this guy has
a girlfriend?

Oh, poor Pepper.

I hope that necklace
doubles as a flea collar.

- ALL: [groaning, booing]

- Okay, boys, that's all
the time I've got.

QB, out.

- ALL: [cheering, applauding]
- BELLA: Thank you very much.

How great was that?

- Yeah. It was, um...mean.

But in a good way.

Funny, I guess.

I'll see you later.
- Pepper?

- ♪

- SOPHIE & BOY:
[laughing]

- NEWT: What the...?

Flirty punching?

Oh, heck, no.

Hi, Sophie, I love your shirt,
who's this guy?

- Oh, this is Tanner.

He's in my after-school
karate class.

- What's up, brah?
- Are we brahs?

- Anyway, I have to go.

See you at


- NEWT: [sighing]
- Oh, so, brah...

I was working at Steaky's
during the roast.

Hilarious.

- Uh-huh.
- And eye-opening.

I see you around
Sophie so much,

I figured you guys
were going out.

But then I heard Bella say

that you've been turned
down more times

than a bed at
the Silverado Inn.

- That joke was
well constructed.

But what's your point?

- I just wanted to check.

Sophie's definitely
not your girlfriend, right?

- Well, at the moment, no,

but I'm on my way
to pick up a pig

who's not afraid
of heights, so...

- [laughing]

Okay, good to know
you're not together

because I'm gonna ask
her out at karate class.

Later, brah.

- Oh, that is not
happening, brah.

- What was that?

- Uh, I, uh...I said...

you are so happening, brah.
[snapping fingers]

- Right back at ya.

- ♪

- ALL: [laughing, cheering]

- Oh, hey, Bella.

Look, I was up all night
thinking about your roast.

- Great, don't tell me
you have a problem with it, too.

- No, you were the roaster.
You were just doing your job.

But the other guys
took it too far.

- I thought you
said the roast

was supposed to be
all in good fun.

- Yeah, well, that was
before they so rudely

accused me of being bossy.

I am not bossy.

They just need me
to tell them what to do--

all the time.

Well, you know what?

Let's see how they
do on their own.

- Hey, Pepper.
Did I say something wrong?

Was it that flea collar line?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to roast you, too.

- It wasn't that.

It was some of the stuff
you said about Sawyer.

I mean, why'd you have
to exaggerate so much?

- Exaggerate?

His locker really
is kind of...disgusting.

- Are you sure? That doesn't
sound like Sawyer.

- I'm telling you,
if you saw it,

you would understand.

Actually, let me show you.

Come on.
- Oh, but my pizza.

- Don't worry, I'm sure
there's some in his locker.

- Go-o-o-a-a-a-al!

Now I'm bored.

Troy, what should we do?

- Well, I was thinking and
maybe you guys are right.

Maybe I am too bossy.

So, perhaps we should let
someone else make a choice.

Ricky, Luis, how about you?

- BOTH: Paint-a-Plate!

- Paint-a-Plate?

Please, my grandma goes there
with all her old lady friends

and all their old lady smells.

- Now, now, now, guys.
I'm sure everyone would love it.

- Okay.

- [sighing]
Or hate it.

- If I'd known it was
more than just plates,

I would have actually gone to my
grandma's birthday parties.

- Come on, it wasn't that good.

- Are you kidding?
It was the best.

- My only limit
was my imagination.

- See? Even
Quiet Chris liked it.

Yeah.
[laughing]

So, what shall we do
tomorrow, team leaders?

- Uh, you sure you don't
want me to pick?

- BOTH: Make-a-Mug!

- ALL: [hooting, cheering]

- What?

- INSTRUCTOR: And eight!

Nine!

And ten! Yeah!

All right, let's pair off.

[claps hands]

- Sorry, I'm late...

Sensei.

- It's Mr. Kramer.

And why are you
dressed like a Ninja?

- I just signed up for the class
today and all I had

to wear was my old Halloween
costume, Mr. Kramer.

- Okay, please stop bowing, hm?

You'll pair with Chloe.

- Hi, I'm Newt.

- Huh!
- [heavy thud]

- Why didn't you
counter me?

- I'm a pacifist.

Whew.

- SOPHIE: Huh! Huh!

- Uh, so, listen, Soph,

I've been meaning
to ask you something.

- Hi-yah!

That's karate for
what's up, dawgs?

- What are you doing here?

- Oh, you know, I've always
been a patron of the...

martial arts.
- Newt, I'm with Tanner.

I'm not gonna partner
up with you.

- Oh, no, no, no,
I don't want to be your partner.

I'm working out
with Chloe over there.

- Huh!
- [board breaks]

- She may be the toughest
girl I know.

- She's the toughest?

Oh, I don't think so.

- Brah, I was just
about to ask her out.

- That's why I came here--

to warn you about
all her brothers.

They're crazy protective
and also crazy-crazy.

- Wow, I didn't know that.

- Yeah, and Ricky and Luis
are the most protective.

Last week at the zoo,
a monkey blew Sophie a kiss

and they tried to punch him.

- They're monkey-punchers?

Maybe I shouldn't
ask Sophie out.

- Agreed.

- Until I get
her brothers' blessing.

- What?

- Yeah, I'll just talk
to them tomorrow

before their football practice.
- NEWT: But...

- Hey, partner,
it's time to spar.

- Wait, I learned
how to counter.

Hi-yahhhhh!

- ♪

- Now show me that locker.

- Okay, but don't
stare at it too long,

or you'll turn to stone.

- Oh, please, it can't
be that ba-a-a-d.

- ["Psycho"-type music]

- [gasping]

This locker is even worse than
you said in the roast.

It's like someone
took a box of...

[shuddering]

...and stood it upright.

- I know. I'm sorry you
had to see that.

- No, I'm sorry I got angry.

You were right.

- So, we're good?
- We're good.

You definitely showed me a side
of Sawyer I've never seen.

Wow! I mean--wow!

- I don't understand
what the big deal is.

- After Bella showed me
your locker yesterday,

I had a nightmare--
I was trapped inside of it

and I had to fight off a pack of
dirty socks with a hoagie.

- What kind of hoagie?

- Sawyer, I'm being serious.

I'm a really neat person
and, well, you're not.

I used to think our
differences made us click,

but now I'm not so sure.

[sighing]
I hate to say this, but...

maybe we should take a break.

- A break?

- Yeah, I'm really sorry.

- Bella, you showed
Pepper my locker?

Why would you do that?

- Oh, well, she was
upset about the roast

and I just wanted to show
her I wasn't exaggerating.

I kinda went easy on ya.

- Well, thanks a lot.

Now she wants to take a break
from being my girlfriend.

- Wait. Really?

- Yeah and it's
all your fault.

- There she is.
[laughing]

Great job with
that roast, Dawson.

Got any more of those
Troy jokes?

[laughing]

I'll come back.

- Pepper, why did you
want to take a break

from going out with Sawyer?

- His locker's so messy.

He's like one of
those old ladies

who has a house full
of old newspapers,

old plastic bags,
and old cats.

- So what, if he doesn't
keep his locker clean.

He's still a great guy.

And his locker cat went
away a long time ago.

- Bella, these things
get worse, not better.

If he's like this now,

what's he gonna be like
when we're older?

What if we share an apartment?

It'll be filled with
wet towels and road signs

and I'll never be able to
have all-white carpeting

because he'll track
mud everywhere and--

- Pepper, breathe!

- And I won't be able to breathe
because it will smell so bad.

[wheezing]
[exhaling]

- But don't you
still like him?

- Oh, yeah, he's the best.

But I can't date a slob.

- Okay, well, then what
if we fix the locker?

He'll see how nice it is
to be clean and organized

and he might start acting
that way, himself.

Problem solved.

You like organizing
things, right?

- [gasping]
Oh, I love organizing things.

- Then let's go get him back!

- Oh, this is going
to be fun.

- BOTH: [laughing]

- ♪

- Hey, Coach,
you got a minute?

Oh, please do not tell me
that's from Make-a-Mug.

- The guys told me about it.

And I went with a...
a very special lady.

- Does that mug say
"#1 Son"?

- What do you want, Dixon?

- Well, you know
how as team leader,

I sometimes pump up the guys

with an inspirational
speech before the game?

Now this might sound
like a crazy idea,

but I was thinking maybe we
should let someone else lead--

like, uh...oh, my man Chris.
- You mean Quiet Chris?

- Yeah. Hey, Chris, come here.

You can hype up
the team, right?

There it is.

- [laughing]
Yeah, I don't know, Troy.

- Like I said--crazy idea.

'Cause obviously
I'm the best leader

and the guys were so wrong
about me being bossy.

- But, you know,
we have been trying

to get QC out of his shell.

Hm, you know what?
Let's give him a chance.

- Uh, uh, wait, what?

Are you sure, 'cause, I mean,
I'd be cool with, you know,

"Absolutely not, Dixon."

Or "No one else could
do that but you, Dixon."

Or even a "Get outta
my office, Dixon."

- No, no, no, we're
gonna go with Quiet Chris.

Now get out of
my office, Dixon.

- Shut up, Chris.

- Tanner's coming.

Now remember,
you're tough and crazy

and don't want anyone
dating your sister.

Also, I'm giving you this
Paint-a-Plate gift card.

- You just bought yourself
two loco brothers.

[snarling]
- That's great.

Ricky, why aren't
you doing anything?

- My crazy's on the inside.

- Hey, brah, so Ricky
and Luis found out

that you were gonna
ask Sophie out

and they kinda lost it.

I've been trying
to calm them down,

so they don't
go off on you.

- They're already mad?

- They're furious.
Look at 'em.

- [snarling]

- I'll try to hold them off.

All right, guys, come at
me and make it look good.

Go, save yours--Ah!
- [material ripping]

- Leave our sister alone!

- Or you'll be next.
- [material ripping]

- NEWT: [yelping]

- Look, don't worry.

I won't go anywhere
near her.

[gasps]

- Seriously, guys?

I thought you were gonna
toss me around a little,

not give me a wedgie.

- It just felt right
in the moment.

- [yelping]

- ♪

- Sawyer, you're going
to love this.

- Pepper?
What are you doing here?

- I'm really sorry,
so, to make it up to you,

Bella helped me with a surprise.

- ["Psycho"-type music]
- SAWYER: [gasping]

What...? What...?

- Oh, he loves it so much,
he's speechless.

- What did you do?

- Now you can find all your
stuff when you need it.

- [gasping]
Where's my lucky rabbit's foot?

My lucky sock?
My lucky sandwich?

- Don't worry, the rabbit's foot
is in the tricky trunk,

the lucky sock
has been laundered

and paired with its mate,
and the lucky sandwich...

was that the thing
with the fuzz?

- It's all part of
the new organizational system

your girlfriend
set up for you.

- But I had a system.

- But, Sawyer, I spent
five hours doing this.

I thought you
would like it.

- And I thought you
liked me for who I am.

But, apparently,
I'm just too messy.

- Maybe you are.
- You know what?

Instead of being on a break,

I think we should
just break up.

- I think so, too.
- Hmph!

- Well, that was unexpected.
[laughing]

What is going on?

- Your roast. It ruined
everybody's lives, Bella.

- But you told me
not to hold back.

- Well, you shouldn't
have listened to me.

I'm not a leader.

sh**t, I'm just some dude

following other dudes
to pottery stores.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

they're expecting me
at Glaze-a-Glass.

[heavy sigh]

- Good, everybody
shake it out.

Let's partner up.

- Where's Tanner?
- I don't know.

He must not be tough enough
to handle karate anymore.

Woo! Woo!

- It's too bad.
I liked that guy.

- Oh, really?
I had no idea.

- Yeah, he was the best sparring
partner in the whole place.

- That's why you liked him?

I thought you liked him
liked him.

- [laughing]
Are you kidding me?

I could never go
out with a guy like that.

He kept calling me "brah."
Who does that?

- Oh, so I didn't have to--
nothing.

- Newt, what did you do?

- I thought you and Tanner
liked each other,

so I convinced Ricky and Luis
to scare him away forever.

Isn't that funny? Ha. Ha.
Okay, gotta go.

- Newt, you didn't
have to do that.

- I know. I'm sorry.

- [sighing]
It's okay.

I forgive you.
- You do?

- Yeah. In fact,
this opens things up

for us to spend
more time together.

- Really?
[whimpering]

- You get rid of
my sparring partner,

You become my sparring partner.

Still worth it.

Okay!
[slapping mat]

- What are you guys
doing here?

- I don't know.
We got a text from Bella.

She said if we meet her here,

she'd buy us a free
steak dinner.

- Thank you all for coming.

I did the roast last week

in what was supposed
to be all in good fun.

It set off a chain reaction
that messed everybody up.

- Where's our free steak dinner?
- Yeah.

- Okay, first of all,
I never said steak dinner.

I said dinner at Steaky's.

You can order an appetizer from
the left side of the menu.

- Boo!

- I'm on a budget here, people.

Guys, listen, I know
I'm not supposed to

feel bad about roasting
you, but I do.

Because all it did
was lead to trouble.

So, we're going to
do the opposite.

This is the anti-roast.

I'm gonna spend the next hour
or so complimenting you all

and you're going to love it.

- I'll start.

Bella's so cheap,
she won't let us order

from the right
side of the menu.

- BOYS: [laughing]
- Coach, this is an anti-roast.

You're supposed to be nice.

- [laughing]
I know.

- Okay, I'll start with Troy.

He's a natural leader.

- What? No, I'm not.

If I've learned anything
this week,

it's that you guys
are better off without me.

- Troy, that's crazy talk.

- You like it better
when Ricky and Luis

choose what we do after school.

And Coach thinks Quiet Chris,
who hasn't said

a word all season,
should make the team speeches.

- But we only made that choice
because you told us to pick.

- Yeah, you're our leader.

- And I thought you were
gonna let Quiet Chris

address the team to help
him get out of his shell.

- And it worked.

You guys, I have
so much to tell you.

I had the craziest day--

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
quiet, Chris.

See, Troy, your
suggestion worked.

You're...you're
being a good leader.

- Oh, yeah, that's
what I was doing.

I taught you guys a lesson--

'cause that's what
a great leader does.

Bella, proceed with
your compliments.

- Okay, that's enough
about you, Troy.

- Oh, come on.
Don't short me on the sugar.

- Let's talk Sawyer.

At the last roast, I focused
on Sawyer being messy.

I talked about how he could
never throw anything out

and just shoved it
all in his locker.

But I found out that
it wasn't just junk.

Those movie tickets
and restaurant receipts

were actually mementoes of every
time you guys hung out.

- Is that true?

- Yeah, that lucky sandwich was
left over from our first date.

I never wanted to
throw it out.

I also wanted to
finish eatin' it.

- Well, why didn't
you say that?

- 'Cause I thought you didn't
like me for who I am.

I mean, I know I'm sloppy,
but I can work on that.

- And I don't have to have
white carpeting

in our first apartment.

- Wait, first apartment?

- Oh, never mind.

I think we should
get back together.

- I was hoping
you'd say that.

- Come on, let's go order
you a new lucky sandwich.

- I'm glad to see
the anti-roast worked.

To be honest with you,
I was completely out of ideas.

Oh, um, before we finish,

I just wanna say that you guys

are the best teammates
a girl could have.

- Okay, who ordered
the steaks?

- Sausage and biscuits!

- ♪

- NEWT: [inhaling]

[exhaling]

[inhaling]

[exhaling]

[inhaling]

[exhaling]
- Just hit the board, kid.

My arms are getting tired.

- Hi-yaaaa!

- Oh! Whoa!

- STUDENTS: [applauding]

- That was impressive.

- I know, right?

The key is you don't focus
on the pain...

[laughing]

Ow! The board
is so broken.

- ♪