01x02 - Nick Takes Over Your School

[bunniefuu]

Woman: good morning, students.

These are your morning announcements.

School days will now begin at : a.m.

And end at : p.m.

Because I said so.

From now until the end of the school year,

There will be a pop quiz every day on every subject.

For those of you who were wondering,

Yesterday's lunch was meat.

New summer school class rosters are posted on--

Excuse me. Excuse me. Are you the principal?

Yes.

They're towing your car out front.

What?!

Yeah. Now it's time to get down to business.

[Scratching]

Yo, what's up, students? Nick cannon is here,

And I'm taking over your school. What's up?

[Cheering]

Hey, matter of fact, let's get the party started right.

♪♪ Hey, yo, everybody say h* ♪♪

Kids: ♪♪ h* ♪♪

♪♪ Say h*, h* ♪♪

♪♪ h*, h* ♪♪

♪♪ There's a party over her, there's a party over there ♪

♪♪ And if you got on clean underwear, say oh ♪♪

♪♪ Oh ♪♪

♪♪ Everybody just ♪♪

♪♪ Everybody just ♪♪

♪♪ Everybody just scream ♪♪

[All scream]

Nick: cool. ♪♪ Say, ain't no party like a nick cannon party ♪♪

♪♪ 'Cause a nick cannon party don't stop ♪♪

Yeah, that's right. Nick cannon's here and I'm taking over your school.

Come on. Let's go.

♪♪ I'm taking over ♪♪

Come on!

♪♪ Ain't no party like a nick cannon party ♪♪

♪♪ 'Cause a nick cannon party don't stop ♪♪

♪♪ Ain't no party like a nick cannon party ♪♪

♪♪ 'Cause a nick cannon party don't stop ♪♪

♪♪ To my ladies, take this party over ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

♪♪ Or to my dogs, take this party over ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, yeah♪

♪♪ Ain't no party like a nick cannon party ♪♪

♪♪ 'Cause a nick cannon party don't stop ♪♪

[School bell ringing]

[Kids cheering]

Captioning made possible by nickelodeon and u.s. Department of education

They ain't even around me.

[Kids shouting indistinctly]

There's a whole lot of outside for everybody.

[School bell rings]

Hey, how you guys doing?

Kids: fine.

What class is this?

History.

Well, you know what? This class is now comedy.

This is all about comedy.

This is your new text-- , jokes, all right?

Everybody likes to laugh, right?

But the funniest laugh is always the best laugh,

So we're going to go through and see

If we can find somebody with a really funny laugh.

Give me your best laugh.

Heh heh heh heh!

Sound like you were crying. &Quot;heh heh heh heh!&Quot;

Give me your best laugh.

[Chuckles]

That was like a gasp. [Wheezes]

Just give me your wildest laugh.

[Laughs]

That was pretty good.

You can stop now.

Come on. Give me your best laugh.

[Laughs]

Nick: scared me! That was good!

Anybody got some "yo mama" jokes?

Come on up here.

He think he gonna battle me.

Now, I'll give you a a-plus if you can beat me in "yo mama" jokes.

All right.

Yo mama is so ugly,

She gave freddy krueger nightmares.

Yo mama's head's so big,

She don't have dreams, she have motion pictures.

[Laughter]

Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the sky and got stuck.

Yo mama's so fat,

She sat on a rainbow and made skittles.

Yo mama teeth so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter.

Yo mama's so old,

She knew pizza hut when it was a tent.

Yo mama is so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.

Yo mama feet so big,

She be walkin' on main, trippin' people on broadway.

Yeah! Give him a round of applause.

Nick: hey, you get a a-plus, player. All right.

Now, there's this classic comedy bit called a spit take.

You guys probably all have seen this on television, right?

Where they drink, and then somebody says something really outrageous

And then they spit.

Teach you guys how to do that. Here we go.

And I want the class to say, "my auntie's bunions can talk,"

When I cue you guys, ok?

You ready?

Yes.

Remember, the bunions talking is nasty,

So you look left and spit. You got that?

Ok. Here we go.

Kids: my auntie's bunions can talk.

What?!

I didn't mean to wet the whole front row up.

So you guys have done a excellent job,

But the last test is, somebody has to make me laugh.

No one's being dismissed from class

Until someone makes me laugh.

Kids: let's tickle him!

Nick: what? Wait! Wait! [Laughing loudly]

You're crazy! You're crazy!

Class dismissed! Ha ha!

Electronic voice: prince of comedy.

You know, since I'm so smart,

I skipped a grade in school.

And now that I'm taking over school,

I thought this would be a great time for me to go back and see what I missed.

[School bell rings]

[Whispers] how do you make a capital "h"?

Take a one line...

A one line?

Like...

Right.

How do you spell "what"?

What?

&Quot;w"...

&Quot;w.&Quot;

[Whispers indistinctly]

What?

&Quot;w"...

Go tell him.

[Inaudible]

W-e...

A-t?

Ok.

You're making-- this is right, right?

Yeah.

How do you spell "one"?

Shh! Shh!

Shh!

Why you gonna be shushin' me?

[School bell rings]

Boy: what are you making?

A picture.

Of what?

The world.

Child: eww!

No!

[School bell rings]

[Children shouting]

Come on and get-- this my good school clothes.

Rambunctious little bunch, aren't they?

Rrr!

You little... Ha ha ha!

Uh! Oh!

Who all's up?

Ah! Ah!

Ah!

[School bell rings]

Can I sit here?

[Screeches]

I can't sit here? No.

Why? Is this your girlfriend or something?

Well, you got to give my leg back, player.

Boy: nick.

Thank you.

Is it cool if I sit right here, raoul?

No. Over here.

Right here. All right.

Like my lunch box?

No! You have barbie!

So?

Why do you get a banana?

You want some of my banana? I'll trade you this banana for your pizza.

No.

No!

Banana. Banana!

No.

What you doing?

Cookie for your pizza.

After my pizza!

Dessert time is after!

Nick: what?

Speak english.

Dessert is after pizza.

Dessert is after pizza.

Ok.

Miss jessica! It spilled!

Nick: miss jessica! It spilled!

Miss jessica, I don't know how it did.

Miss jessica, we don't know how it did it.

Miss jessica: was that you, nick?

I don't-- no, miss jessica. It just spilled.

Nick, are you all done?

Almost.

Ok, well, you need to tidy up that, please,

So can you throw away your garbage?

Y-yes, ma'am.

[Children laughing]

Got me in trouble.

Boy: you ate a worm!

You eat worms!

[Children shouting]

Nick!

Nick: yeah?

Did you know you eat feet?

You eat feet! Give me my hat.

You eat-- you eat--

You eat chalk!

Eat the plate, nick.

[Muffled] I'm not finished with my food!

[Children laughing]

Boy: aw, nick! You're gross!

You're gross!

Now I have to throw your banana peel away.

Thank you.

Bye-bye, nick!

Don't leave without me!

Miss jessica: nick? You need to keep up with the rest of the class.

I'm--ok. I'm coming.

Whew!

What a good day in first grade.

Parents, do you know what's in your children's lockers?

What is this?

A jackelope.

And you got navy posters,

And...

She completed her math work.

She a all-around woman.

She can hunt, do math,

And ride on boats.

I'll put it back.

You don't seem like I should be messing with your jackelope.

I don't want to end up on one of these inside your locker.

Just my head and my microphone-- that'll be bad.

Ricky martin posters.

You think ricky martin's cute?

I don't know.

You don't like ricky martin?

No.

You don't live la vida loca? No.

Not at all? You don't shake your bon-bon? None of that?

No.

It's all right.

Everybody can like ricky martin. It's ok, man.

Don't worry. You can shake your--go ahead.

Shake your bon-bon for the camera one time.

There we go.

Nick: right now, it's time for recess,

But you don't want to miss the upcoming mess.

Yeah!

What--what is-- you got--

He got a fish in his locker. Why--what is--

That's my fish.

This is for you?

Yeah.

You a little hungry? Little tuna for lunch?

Yep.

You get some bread and you put it in there?

Yeah.

Electronic voice: ♪♪ n-n-nick, nick, nick... ♪♪

In america, there is a travesty going on in the schools everywhere.

And I'm--today, I'm going to get down to the bottom of it.

We're going to figure out what is wrong with cafeteria food.

What is this?

These are corn dogs.

Corn--well, see, where I'm from,

Corn dogs are, like, this big with a stick.

This--like a corn m*dget.

Mmm.

Forget all the rumors, parents.

We don't enjoy fish sticks.

They are not soothing to us.

Give us real fish.

I don't want no stick of fish. I want a stick of gum,

Not a stick of fish.

That is disgusting.

Uh, yeah.

It looks like puppy chow. Don't ask.

Are you enjoying your lunch? No.

Is this meat? Is it supposed to be meat?

Yeah.

[Kids shriek]

Does that look like food?

Hey, cream of nasty. That's what this is. Cream of nasty.

Now, this is probably the worst I've seen since I've been here.

This makes no sense.

It's crazy.

Look at that, y'all.

That's, like, sardine casserole.

It's gonna be all right, mike.

It's gonna be all right, man.

Your pizza is, like, bread and cheese.

That's called cheese bread.

Yeah.

Dipping sauce? That's nasty.

You need some tomato sauce cooked with the cheese.

You feelin' me? We're gonna hook you up, player.

We're gonna hook you up.

Can we get a shot of this?

You see what the kids resort to here?

Look at that.

That's, like, fruitcake and soda.

We have to do something about this cafeteria food.

It's a travesty, I tell you!

I think we need to go in the kitchen

And figure out what's behind all this food

That they're sending out to all these students.

You know, there's something that I've always wanted to know.

What are the ingredients in a sloppy joe?

Well, we're making some right over here. You want to go see?

Eww!

Man, do you ever wash those feet?

Once a week.

So I'm feelin' the purple and yellow aprons,

But we want to make it a little cooler than that,

Put a little style into it. You want some style?

All right. Yeah. We want more style.

Yeah!

Yeah. Check with it.

See? Makin' it cool.

Come on, sugar.

Now you got your bling-bling on,

You got your money scarf, your glasses.

How do you feel about your new outfit?

Oh, it's great. It's right off the rack.

All: nick cannon took over our cafeteria.

Nick: yeah.

Y'all want some pizza?

Yeah! Yeah!

All right. So here you go.

Take a pizza. Take a pizza.

Making the cafeteria a little cooler.

We did our thing.

Didn't nobody save me a piece!

Electronic voice: ♪♪ n-n-n-nick, n-nick cannon, nick cannon... ♪♪

Teachers' lounges.

Every school has one, but us kids aren't allowed in.

So I thought...

I'd disguise myself as a teacher

And find out what's going on inside those teachers' lounges.

Look, I even got a hidden camera inside a lunch bag.

They'll never know what hit them.

The teachers' lounge,

Where no student has gone before.

[Knocking rhythmically]

Good afternoon, sir.

Welcome to the teachers' lounge. Just yourself today?

[Deep voice] um, uh, y-yes.

Y-yes, I am by myself today.

Ok, great. We have lobster thermador. That's our special.

L-lobster? Lobster.

Lobster thermador. Yes, sir.

May I offer you an appetizer?

Why, certainly.

Lobster. They got lobster here.

[Giggling]

Shiatsu or swedish?

I think swedish today.

Swedish.

Uh, i--i'm mr... Substitute man.

Um...you guys grading papers?

Yes, we are.

How do you grade papers?

Flip of a coin.

A flip of a coin?

Heads, you get an "a," tails, you get a "fail.&Quot;

You guys never, like, check to see if they got any of the answers right?

Ha ha ha ha! No.

That's how they grade our papers!

Uh, I'm going to sit my lunch bag right here.

Mind if I join you guys dancing?

[Dance music playing]

Oh!

Now, come on, everybody.

Let's...party like teachers.

Come on. Get up and dance.

All right.

This is crazy!

Yeah!

Work, work, work it.

Workin' it up.

[Shrieks]

He's an impostor!

Get him!

Wait! Y'all ain't got to be chasin' a brother.

Get out!

I--i can explain.

[Whistles blowing]

Teachers: get out of here!

You ain't gonna need these, player.

Pfft!

These is nasty!

Electronic voice: ♪♪ n-n-nick cannon, nick cannon ♪♪

What you got in your locker, man? Can I check? Yeah.

What is this? We got some, uh...

Oh, you read the daily news?

Yeah.

That's good, man. That's real good.

The daily news from, like, months ago, though.

What is this? Your school folder?

Yeah.

Oh, you take good care of your papers.

I like that.

You just throw them in there when you're finished with them? Yeah.

I feel you. I used to do the same thing, man.

Hey.

&Quot;nick cannon rules.&Quot;

You all right in my book, player.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

This yours, man?

No, that's my friend's.

All right.

How's this look? Look nice on me?

Yep.

All right. Tell your friend I said thank you.

[Kids laughing]

Nick: hurry back fast,

'Cause in my class, it's about to be a blast.

That's wrong!

[Kids laughing]

&Quot;mariana loves joel.&Quot;

Boyfriend!

So this is your boyfriend.

That's my boyfriend.

You're allowed to have boyfriends? Yeah!

Tell him that you love him. Say it, to the camera.

Tell him. Joel, she loves you!

Say it. Ha ha ha!

&Quot;i love you, joel!&Quot;

Joel--tell him. ♪♪ Joel ♪♪

♪♪ We love you ♪♪

You got a big sign up in your locker,

So you must care about him, right? Yeah, I do.

Why you love joel?

'Cause he's my boyfriend.

Why?

Girl: he's fine-looking.

He's fine-looking?

Yeah, she knows. She got good taste.

She got good taste. Would you date joel?

Yeah, but--

Ooh, she want your man. Ooh!

Girl: he's taken! He's taken!

Ok.

She's like, "sh**t, don't be talkin' about my joel.&Quot;

Electronic voice: ♪♪ n-n-nick nick n-nick cannon ♪♪

Ooh, y'all want something? Latonya here, and guess what, y'all.

Today I am taking over cheerleading. Yes, I am.

There's some cheerleaders right over there, y'all.

Excuse me. Uh...

I'm new here, and I was just, uh,

Wondering if, uh, I could get my cheer on.

You have to try out.

Well, let's try it out, then.

[Cheerleading] hey, hey, hey, my name latonya.

Hey, and I look good.

Hey, get with me.

Hey, you wish you could. Hey, hey.

Here we go now. Uh, uh!

Go color. Uh, uh!

Here we go now. Uh, uh!

Here we go now. Uh, uh, uh, uh.

Uh, uh, uh, uh.

Oh, I done broke a nail!

Hold up, hold up. Emergency.

Ok, what else we got to do?

Can you do a cartwheel?

Yeah.

[Hip-hop music playing]

Ready?

Go.

I'm latonya.

Y'all--ooh!

It's strong men's that be footballin' over here.

This is my kind of practice.

Everybody follow me.

You tweak your-- do your hair like this.

And don't make eye contact. Don't make eye contact.

And you say, "uh,

So what is y'all doin' later on after practice?&Quot;

Girls: so what are you all doing later on after practice?

Ok, we can go back to do what y'all was doin' now.

But that's how I practice. Ha!

Cheerleaders: t-a-k-e. Take it away.

Hold up, hold up, hold up!

Hold up!

&Quot;take it away, take it away.&Quot;

We need to do something like, to where we can, like,

Put our back into it, you know, and get our groove on.

[Cheerleading] ok, uh, uh, ok!

Hey! U-g-l-y.

You ain't got no alibi. You ugly!

Hey, hey, you ugly!

U-g-l-y!

All: you ain't got no alibi.

You ugly! Yeah, yeah, you ugly!

Hey, hey! Here we go!

What your mama do to you?

What your mama do to you?

Hey, yeah!

Um, so, uh, uh,

Did i, uh, did I make the squad or what?

Yeah, you did. Sure.

I did?

Hey! ♪♪ Latonya is a cheerleader ♪♪

♪♪ Latonya is a cheerleader ♪♪

Woof woof woof woof!

♪♪ Latonya is a cheerleader ♪♪

[Hip-hop music playing]

[Girls cheering]

♪♪ N-n-nick nick nick ♪♪

You know, one thing that truly made me nervous in school was taking a pop quiz.

Don't you guys hate that?

Yeah! Yeah!

So I think, now that I have the chance,

I'm gonna flip it on them and give the teachers a pop quiz.

Y'all with that?

Yeah! Yeah!

So, you guys ready for that?

Yes. Yes.

No.

All right. Time for question number one.

What does the "o" in "o-town" stand for?

Uh...&Quot;original!&Quot;

Nick: the "o" in "o-town" stands for what? Orlando.

Oh, no!

[Kids laughing]

Oh, did I forget to mention?

We're not grading on this pop quiz.

If you get an answer wrong,

You get a pie in the face.

Who wants to help me?

Nick: come on, you guys. Come help me.

What does buffy slay?

I don't know.

What does buffy slay, you guys?

Vampires! Vampires!

[Kids laughing]

[Applause]

[Nick laughs]

Nick: name a member of án sync.

Nick carter.

Who? Nick carter?

Girl: no!

Nick: wrong!

That's a backstreet boy!

[Kids laughing]

Spell "nickelodeon.&Quot;

N-i-k...

[Imitates buzzer]

[Laughter]

Oh!

All you had to do was just look right there.

I don't cheat. That's good.

What does t.r.l. Stand for?

&Quot;turn right left.&Quot; right.

Nick: go ahead and pie him, man.

You guys, what does t.r.l. Stand for?

Kids: total request live.

Nick: who's the host of trl?

Woman: I have no clue.

Nick: you guys, who's the host of trl?

Kids: carson daly.

Girl: now, get her good.

[Applause]

Who sings oops, I did it again?

Oh, my...

Britney spears!

Yeah! Whooo!

Nick: she got it. All right.

What am I thinking right now?

&Quot;moving on to the next victim.&Quot;

Nope. I'm thinking, "you about to get a pie in the face.&Quot;

Go ahead. Make it happen.

What actor plays dawson on dawson's creek?

I don't know. I don't watch the show.

Kids: oh!

[Applause]

You guys look like you need to be cleaned off, right?

Yeah.

Ok. No!

No, no, no! Oh!

Teacher pop quiz. Takin' over.

Electronic voice: ♪♪ n-n-nick n-nick cannon, nick cannon ♪♪

♪♪ N-nick nick nick n-nick cannon ♪♪

Man, what a day.

We took over the whole school,

And I got off scot-free, 'cause I'm a player.

Cannon!

It's detention for you, young man.

My office!

See, what happened was--

Wait. That's my ear. My lobe.

Let go of the lobe.

[School bell rings]

Captioning made possible by nickelodeon and u.s. Department of education

Captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org--

♪♪ Come on ♪♪

♪♪ Ain't no party like a nick cannon party ♪♪

♪♪ 'Cause a nick cannon party don't stop ♪♪

♪♪ Ain't no party like a nick cannon party ♪♪

♪♪ 'Cause a nick cannon party don't stop ♪♪

♪♪ To my ladies, take this party over ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

♪♪ Or to my dogs, take this party over ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, yeah♪

♪♪ Ain't no party like a nick cannon party ♪♪

♪♪ 'Cause a nick cannon party don't stop ♪♪

♪♪ Ain't no party like a nick cannon party ♪♪

♪♪ 'Cause a nick cannon party don't stop ♪♪

♪♪ Ain't no party like a nick cannon party ♪♪

♪♪ 'Cause a nick cannon party don't stop ♪♪

♪♪ To my ladies, take this party over ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

♪♪ Or to my dogs, take this party over ♪♪

Now, , , , .

Everybody get your booty on the floor.

[Dance music playing, kids cheering]

All right!

Did anybody learn anything from that?

Kids: no.

He's takin' over.