01x01 - Go Spork/Boskov's Day Out/Cod vs. Hector

[bunniefuu]

Once upon a time, there was a

Jillionare playboy who was

Blown up in a tremendous
expl*si*n.

His brain survived [stomach,
too]

And was attached to the body of

A stupid circus bear.

I am that brain.

My name is hector con carne,

And I will one day rule

The world

[Cow mooing]

Hurry up now,
general skarr.

It's time for
major doctor ghastly

To reveal
her latest invention.

Hector: ah, good.

Major doctor,
show us your device.

Chief, this time
I've created a machine

That will revolutionize evil
as we know it.

I call it my supersonic
telemarketing machine.

Ooh, I love
telemarketing.

It's so evil!

I know!
Isn't it great?

Enough of this banter!

Major doctor ghastly,

Activate the device.

Chief,
with this machine,

I will call millions
of households worldwide,

Instantly
hypnotizing them,

Turning them
into your servants!

[Clicking, whirring and buzzing]

[Ringing]

Hello?

Hector: hello.

May I please speak to
the head of the household?

This is she.

Good afternoon,
ma'am.

This is
hector con carne,

And you are
under my command!

Yes, hector.
I will obey.

All: yes, hector, I will obey.

Yes, hector, I will obey.

Ha ha ha!

[Gibberish]

Sure don't, honey.

Go fish.

[Static]

Man: spork,
we need your help.

Hector con carne
is at it again.

He's unleashed
a fiendish plot

And turned half the world
into his sl*ves!

I call on you,
cod commando,

Cablamity jane,

Private simmons,

And ensign slaughter,

To defeat the evil foe!

All: yes, mr. President.
Go, spork!

Go, spork!

Oof!

Go, spork.

Excellent work,
major doctor
ghastly.

Your telemarketing
scheme is working
wonderfully.

Sir, spork approaches.

Oh, phooey.

[Alarm beeping]

Prepare for battle!

Huh?

Good work,
private simmons.

Tally-h*!

Whoa. Oof!

[Chattering]

Cablamity-blam!
Take that, evildoers!

[Gibberish]

What did he say?

He said you're through,
you barmy git!

[Gibberish]

Your telemarketing days
are over!

I think not,
my sporkish friend.

[Telephone ringing]

[Gibberish]

[Slow gibberish]

Cor, blimey!

Cod's gone
off his nut!

[Screaming]

Cor, blimey!

We've got ourselves
into a sticky wicket.

Don't worry, hon.
It'll grow back.

[Private simmons
screeching]

What's he on about?

Slaughter: a sonic blocker.

Once attached to
the telemarketing device,

We can use it to transmit

Our antitelemarketing signal
to the world.

Brilliant, private simmons!

All: go, spork!

[Grunting]

Aah!

[Gasp]

Go, spork!

[Hector laughing]

Yes, that's it, cod commando.
Give it up!

After you finish
your little routine,

You can start cleaning out
our air ducts...

With your tongue!

Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, pats!

Oh, man.
Not you freaks again!

Grrrr!

[Screech]

Oof!

Ooh! Ow! Eeh! No!

Talk to the glove, sucka!

Uh...not interested!

[Telephone rings]

[Slow gibberish]

Hector: oh!

[Cod commando
speaking gibberish]

Slaughter: that's
telling him, sir.

[Gibberish]

Your telemarketing
days are over,
con carne!

Go, spork!

[Tires squealing]

All: cod commando!

[Gibberish]

Thanks, cod commando.

Now we know!

[Gurgling]

♪ Ah

So, major dr. Ghastly,

Is everything ready?

Everything is
set to go, chief.

Wait. What is
that idiot bear doing?

[Growling excitedly]

Aw. I think he
has to go wee-wee.

I'll take him for a walk.

Ghastly, wait!

Be extremely careful

Not to lose that stupid bear.

Without him,

I don't have a body.

Not to worry, chief.

Boskov will be
safe with me.

He'd better be!

Sheesh. Somebody
needs to relax.

Hector: I heard that.

Ok, boskov, you
ready to go outside?

[Growling excitedly]

Good baby.

Hmm. With boskov
out of the way,

Hector would be
powerless

To stop me
from taking over.

[Rings]

Operator,

Give me russia.

Man: uh, is
dolores there?

[Ticking]

♪ Ah ah ah

I am

Vladmir kovladoshevolskivitz.

I was boskov's
old circus trainer.

Mind if I just
call you vlad?

Yes.

My circus has not
been the same

Since my star
attraction ran away.

But you say you know
where boskov is?

Yes. Uh!

You'd better not be lying
to kovladoshevolskivitz.

Do you understand?

[Gasping]

Blink if you do.

Good. You will
take me to him.

[Kids screaming]

Gosh. People act

As if they've
never seen
a wild bear before.

There's nothing
to be scared of.

It's rare for a bear to
tear people's arms off

For no reason.

Boskov, no!

Not on
the endangered
redwood.

Let's go.

It boskov.

The skinny one was right.

I'll go get him
back right now.

Wait. Take it easy.
You can't just rush--ooh!

Are you telling me
what to do?

Subtlety is the key.

[Coughs]

[Exhales]

Perhaps you
are right.

Uh!

You have
a plan, yes?

Ready, boskov?

Go fetch
the stick!

[Panting]

Now, skarr!

Boskov is
in the net.

Prepare to witness
my brilliance at work.

One stupid bear coming up.

[Snoring]

Ghastly: boskov?

Boskov?

Where are you?

Skarr: why didn't
the net capture him?

You would think with all
the planning I do--aah!

What the--

Yay...
Yay...

No! No! Wait!

Yoo-hoo!

Hey, big boy, see
something you like?

[Howls]

The plan's working
perfectly.

Boskov has fallen
in love with me.

We've got him now.

What's happening?

I thought I was
boskov's type.

Am I not pretty enough?

I feel bloated.

[Stomach growls]

Here. I'll flush
boskov out,

Then you sneak
behind him with
the dart g*n.

Da.and when I see
the whites of his eyes...

You tranquilize.

There's boskov now.

[Skarr yells]

There is no escape, boskov.

Grr! Grr! Grr...

sh**t him now. Hurry!

There he is.

I've got him now.

Of all the stupid things to do,

That has got to be...

[Groggily]
the worst thing.

Ghastly: boskov!

Boskov,
where are you?

I've been looking
all over for you.

Don't you ever
run off without
me again.

You're
a naughty boy.

[Talking excitedly]

You know what?
I don't even want
to hear about it.

Let's go home,
boskov.

[Dart g*n fires]

I will not tolerate
any more failure.

It is time
for drastic measures.

I will have my bear,

And nothing will stop me.

Where have
you two been?!

I have been
worried sick.

I thought something
might have happened.

Not to worry, chief.

Boskov and I had
a great time.

Let's get you out of there.

Ahh. Yes.

It's good having
my body back.

Now to discuss

My latest plan
for world
domination.

Wait a minute.

Where's general skarr?

Vladmir:
ladies and gentlemen,

Making his long-awaited
return to the big top,

Presenting
boskov the bear.

And now for boskov's
greatest performance,

He'll get launched
from this huge cannon

Through
the rings of fire...

Through a solid
brick wall

Without getting pounded
by the pile drivers

And into a tank of hungry
man-eating sharks

And one k*ller whale.

[Grunts]

I hate my life so much.

[Audience cheering]

Hector: so here
we are again, cod.

I will finally
have the pleasure

Of destroying you
myself!

Any last words?

Blah blah blah blah blah!
Blah blah blah?

No, of course not.

I expect you to die.

Remember
to push the top--

Chief, no!

[Rumbling]

Uh-oh.

We've got to
evacuate, chief!

The base is going
to self-destruct!

No! I must
finish off cod first.

Ghastly,
activate the machine!

Ghastly? She left me?

Fine, then!

I'll destroy cod my--

What? Where did he go?

Uhh!

[Boskov panting]

Hector:
curse that cod commando!

Curse him!

What? Ugh! What happened?

Cod! You're alive?

How did you make
a spear so quickly?

Now because of you,

We are stranded
on this desert island!

There's only
one thing to do.

Blah blah blah blah?

No, not work together.

We must split the island
in two! See?

This is your side
of the island,

And tis mine.

Stay on your own side!

Remember, cod,
even on a deserted island,

We are arch enemies.

Hurry, boskov,
how long does it take
to start a fire?

[Animal snorts]

Boskov, I cannot believe
you built this shelter
all by yourself.

Just how are we
supposed to get in it?

Not a bad idea, boskov...

If you're a stupid,
idiotic bear!

You can't do
anything right!

I asked you to build us
a simple shelter

So we don't freeze at night,

And you can't even
do that right!

I ought to--

He built a mansion?! Grr!

Try to look as pathetic
as possible.

Meow...

Good!

Blah blah?

No. It's me hector.

It's cold out here.

We need your help.

Please, cod.
You can't
let us freeze...

After all,
you're the hero.

It is your job
to help people.

Blah blah blah
blah blah blah!

Blah blah blah
blah blah blah!

Oh, thank you, cod!

We would have froze
for sure!

You certainly
are a great...

Sucker!

Ha! You fell
for the oldest trick
in the book!

Now to dispose
of you permanently!

[Door slams]

[Hector laughs]

Hmm! That was easy.

Let's go find something
to eat, boskov.

Food! At last!

[Boskov garbling]

Boskov, the toaster!

You're not supposed to eat
the whole thing!

You know, I'm not really sure
how one of these things works.

Shouldn't be that difficult
to figure out.

I mean, it's just a toaster.

This should definitely
do the trick.

[Blast]

That should've got it working.

Uh, I think we should ask cod
how the toaster works.

Hector: look, boskov,

There's cod commando!

What are you doing
out here in the cold?

Blah!

You know,
I've realized

We should work together

In order to survive
on this island...

After all,
you are the hero.

Sorry about kicking you
out of your own hut.

The door must have
blown shut.

By the way, cod,

You wouldn't know
how this thing works,
would you?

It's so simple!

[Gulps]

Mmm....

So, cod, now that you've
told us the secret

To your toast-making
machine, we won't be
needing you anymore.

Blah! Blah!

[Door slams]

That's out of the way.

Now let's go have some toast.

Get ready to eat, boskov.

Don't worry, boskov.
We'll have this out in a second.

I wonder what cod is doing?

[Leaves rustling]

Look at him, boskov,
enjoying his cozy fire.

It's his fault
we're even on this island,

Freezing and cold and--

I've got an idea
how to stay warm.

[Boskov grunting and garbling]

Hector: oh, shut up!

We're almost to the top.

Ahh...

Now, that feels good.

Wasn't this
a great idea, boskov?

I hate that
stinky sulfur smell.

Aah!

Cod, help me please!

You can't let me fall
into that alligator
and shark-infested lava!

You're the hero!
You have to do something!

Help!

Come back, cod!

You're the hero!

[Laughing]