01x07 - Everyone Loves Uncle Bob/Tiptoe Through the Tulips, Parts 1 & 2

[bunniefuu]

Once upon a time, there was a

Jillionare playboy who was

Blown up in a tremendous
expl*si*n.

His brain survived [stomach,
too]

And was attached to the body of

A stupid circus bear.

I am that brain.

My name is hector con carne,

And I will one day rule

The world

Announcer:
hold on tight, kids.

It's time for everybody's
favorite show--

Everybody loves uncle bob!

Yay!
Yay!

With everybody's
favorite host,

Uncle bob!

Yay!
Yay!

Hiya, kids.

Hiya, uncle bob!hiya, uncle bob!

Ooh, wow.

Well, there's
a fine how-do-you-do.

Can everyone say hello
to warren?

Hiya, warren!
Hiya, warren!

He's just
a little shy.

Warren, won't you say hello
to the kids in tv land?

Take a flying leap,
bob!

[Gasp]
[gasp]

Warren's rude!

Yeah!
Yeah!

They're right.

You know, warren,

Good people don't
use bad manners.

Good people
use good manners,

And everybody knows

Good manners make
the world go round.

Yay!
Yay!

[Boom]

[Boom]

[Boom]

It is i, hector con carne,

Here to put a stop
to your pitiful show.

General skarr, phase one.

I don't remember this
in the script.

Do you, warren?

That's because it's not
in the script,
uncle boob,

For i, hector con carne,
am your mid-season
replacement.

Troopers,
take our friend here
to the broom closet.

Not the broom closet!

Anything
but the broom closet!

Aah!

Mission accomplished,
sir.

Excellent.

My plan to convert
the children
of the world

To love me
is going according
to schedule,

For once
I own their love,

I will train them
in the art
of warfare

And have an army
of soldiers
at my command.

Kids: hey,
what's happening?
Who is he?

It's that purple
dinosaur guy!

Yay!
Yay!

Huh? Oh.

Boskov!

Not yet. Boskov, stop!

Grrr...

Bring in the intraglobular
megacam device!

Activate the device,
major doctor ghastly.

Children of the world,

I am hector con carne,

And soon you will learn
to love me...

[Cackling]

And loving hector
makes the world go round.

Kids, say hello
to my little friend.

[Altered voice]
hiya, kids.

I love uncle hector.

[Crickets chirping]

He's the best.

Boo!
Boo!

These guys
are no replacement
for uncle bob and warren!

Yeah!
Yeah!

We want uncle bob!

Kids: we want uncle bob!
We want uncle bob!

We want uncle bob!

I thought
I was pretty good.

[Crying]

Aw, come on.
Buck up.

Kids: we want uncle bob!
We want uncle bob!

We want uncle bob!

You see, uncle bob,
those kids love you.

You need to go
out there and kick
some evil butt.

Do it for the children
of the world!

You're right, warren.

I need to show him
who's boss.

Nobody messes
with uncle bob's kids!

Aarrggh!

Kids: we want uncle bob!

Stop that chanting,
you little brats!

Love me--
uncle hector.

Your uncle bob
is gone!

We want uncle bob!

[Shouting]

What should we do?

Hector!

It's uncle bob! Yay!

[Gasp]

Uncle bob?

Hit these guys with every
dirty trick in the book!

[Shouting]

Oh, no!

That's it, children.

Fight like you've
never fought before!

Where do you think
you're going,
my friend?

Your days
of wreaking havoc

On the children
of the world
are over!

Aah!

[Crash]

Aarrggh!

Ow! Ow!

[Groaning][groaning]

Tv announcer: and now
it's time for the fiercest host
in the known free world,

Uncle bob!

Hi, kids.

What do we do
if we see a villain
walking down the street?

Boy: kick butt!

[Children shouting]

Forget all that stuff
about being a good person!

It's time
to start breaking heads!

Yay!
Yay!

Tv today is all about
hate, hate, hate.

[Bugle plays]

[Bugle plays]

Whoopee! Ha ha ha!

Today's the day!

[Bugle plays]

[Sighs]

Today is the big day.

Ok. You enjoy your work.

You like world domination.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I'd rather be working
in fast food.

[Gargles]

[Gargles]

[Gargles]

[Gargles]

[Gargles]

[Bugle plays]

[Bugle plays]

Attention!

Hey, where's
the chief?

Uh-oh.

He's
never been late

For an invasion
before.

Where could he be?

Maybe he's
calling it off.

Are you nuts?
He's been playing
"invade new zealand"

With his g.i. Jerp dolls
for 2 weeks solid.

I tell you,
something's wrong.

Hmm...

I know!

This is some kind
of test.

He'd love to see us

Screw up
this invasion.

He could be watching
our every move--

Just waiting for us
to goof up.

Just waiting for us
to goof up.

Get up!

Look, you're not
doing this--

Not today!

Will you wake up?

You big, fat imbecile!

We are late
for morning inspection.

Operation z-day--
ring a bell?

Boskov!

[Groans]

Skarr! Ghastly!

Get in here on the double.

Boskov!

Wake up!

[Yawns]

Ahem.

This is your
supreme commander!

I order someone

To get me out of
this stupid snow dog!

Wake up! Blast you!

Wake up! Blast you!

Why today of all the days?

[Growls]

[Sighs]

[Thinking]
there's no excuse
for this.

Just look at them.

Those poor men--
they need a new leader,

A competent leader.

Why do they not chant
the name of skarr
in revolt?

[Thinking]
why am I the only woman
at inspection?

I'm a scientist.

My job description
doesn't include

Military drills,
marching, doing dishes,

Or recharging
electronic missiles.

Wake up.

Wake up. Wake up.
Wake up. Wake up.

If only my body
hadn't been destroyed.

I wouldn't be stuck

In this stupid bubble hat
with you!

[Groans]

Listen, mister,
there's a big difference

Between hibernation
and dereliction of duty.

This is unacceptable!

[Groans]

Oh! Hot! Too hot!

Ah! You're trying
to boil me!

Why you...

[Coughs]

Boiling the life!

Ah! Help me!

Ah! Ooh!

You're trying to--

Wake up!

Stupid...

So hot...

I--i--i...

Hate this.

[Thinking]
I guess the chief
must be in the bathroom

Doing whatever
disembodied brains

Do in the bathroom.

[Sighs]

[Snoring]

[Snoring]

[Dr. Ghastly thinking]
this is what I deserve

For signing a 5-year
exclusive evil pact

With a mutilated,
pickled freak.

Wait a minute.

What am I saying?

If it weren't
for hector,

I'd still be
second assistant
evil scientist

For that
maniac professor
death-ray eyes.

Why, I owe everything
to that lumpy pink blob.

[Rattling, splashing]

Water.

Must get into water.

Brain out of water

Shrivels up
like a prune.

Where are my minions,

Lackeys,
and hired g*ons?

Why aren't they
looking for me?

[Sighs]

Boy, does not having
a body stink.

Come to think of it,
not having a mouth stinks.

Psst. Hey, skarr.

Correct me if I'm wrong,
but in the event that

The evil supreme commander
is missing in action,

Don't you, as apprentice
evil supreme commander,

Assume control?

Uh, yes, that's right.

Sweet.

Ha!

With that obnoxious blob

And his sissy bear
out of the way,

I can fulfill
my destiny!

I shall lead my army
to a glorious victory!

But first, I will...uh,

I will, uh...

Maybe you should
give your troops a command.

Ah, yes!
Right! Right!

Attent--

[Echo]

No.
We're already
doing that.

[Whispering]
I got to go
to the bathroom.

Why don't you--

No! No, no,
don't tell me!

I'll get it. Ah!

Hoist
the mizzenmast,
my hearties!

[Echo]

No...no, wait.

All ashore
that's going ashore!

No, that's
the air force.

Oh, yeah.

Up periscope!

[Gasps]

I don't understand it.

I should have reached
the stairs by now.

[Screams]

[Groaning]

[Whimpers]

Oh, here we go.

First battalion,
evil con carne army!

Mark time! Pivot!

[Echo]

[Laughs]

So...tired.

Dry...out.

[Gasps]

[Footsteps marching]

My loyal, faithful troops

Are just outside those doors,

Waiting for their
beloved leader.

When they see me,

They will joyously
rush to greet me.

[Bugle plays]

Mess call!mess call!

Mess call!mess call!

Mess call?

Oh, no!

Ay chihuahua!

I'm starved!

Save me some of
that caesar salad!

Tuesday is "steak
and kidney pie" day.

Tuesday is "steak
and kidney pie" day.

Tuesday is "steak
and kidney pie" day.

Tuesday is "steak
and kidney pie" day.

Dr. Ghastly:
hey, general, he's awake.

Hi, chief.

Well, we can
forget about
the invasion.

After chow, nobody
felt much like

Invading anymore.

But--but what
happened to boskov?

Oh, he's hibernating--


Well, what about me?

You can't leave me
here like this.

Oh, yes, well,

We've ordered you
a new tank,

And you'll be back
in the saddle soon.

In the meantime,
we can watch

Our other adventures
on videocassette--

Over and over
and over again.



Drat! Drat!
And double drats!

Oh, come on,
sir.

Don't be such
a sourpuss.

[Both laugh]

Oh, boy,
that's rich--

Sourpuss.

Skarr: oh, well,
we got to go.

See you, sourpuss.

[Laughs]

Everything's kosher, sir!