02x01 - No No Nanook/Teenage Idol

[bunniefuu]

Once upon a time, there was a

Jillionare playboy who was

Blown up in a tremendous
expl*si*n.

His brain survived [stomach,
too]

And was attached to the body of

A stupid circus bear.

I am that brain.

My name is hector con carne,

And I will one day rule

The world

Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group

- Blah!

- Skarr, you idiot.
Can't we go any faster?

Fire up the turbo jets already.

- Sorry, sir. No turbo jets.

This is a dog sled.

- What happened
to my state-of-the-art

Supervillain jet-powered
snowmobiles?

- Intercepted, sir.

- What? Intercepted?

- Yes, but we got a sweet deal
on this used sled

And 6 starving mongrels.

- But I only see 5.

- Ah, but they're
not starving.

[Rimshot]

- But who would have
the audacity to take my stuff?

- I say, these new snowmobiles
are smashing.

- Blah blah blah.
- Right.

We always get our man, you know,
mounties and all that.

I say.

Well, I couldn't very well say
we always catch our brains

In bell jars attached
to the heads of big,
stupid bears, now, could i?

That's not how it goes.

- Blah blah blah-blah.
Blah blah blah blah.

- Blah blah blah-blah.
Blah bla- right.lah.

- Right.

[Whistle blows]

- [Barking]

- So you're telling me

That floundering,
gill-breathing cod commando

Is chasing us on my own
jet-powered snowmobiles?

- I'm afraid that's right, sir,

And the mounted police, too.

- Mounties?
They always get their man.

- But you're a brain
in a bell jar attached to
the head of a big, stupid bear,

And that's not how it goes.

Ha ha ha!

- That's true. Ha ha ha!

- Hey!

- Ripping good shot, I say.

- [Humming "charge"]

- Right.

- Skarr, can't you make them
go any faster?

- Remember dog 6.

- [Barking]

- And now the prize
for conceiving

The most exceptional achievement
in maniacal machinations

Of world domination...

[Inhales]

Ghastly.

- You like me.
You really like me.

- Your lips are so soft.
Your skin is so creamy.

I can't believe
you're not butter.

- Oh! Hee hee hee!

- Ghastly? Ghastly!

- Chief! Ha ha! Sorry, chief.

I'm just trying out
the virtual-reality goggles.

- Get it together, ghastly.

That stupid cod commando
and the mounted police

Are hot on our trail.

We've got to find the passageway
that will take us

To the secret rendezvous.

- You mean
the secret passageway?

- Yes, ghastly. Pay attention.

I want you to create a diversion
so we can make our escape.

- Hmm, a diversion.
Let me think.

Mounted police...

Police. I know just the thing.

[Bang]

- That should take care of that.

Now where was i? Ohh!

- We've got you now, con carne.

Ha ha ha! You can't escape.

Egad, what's this, then?

I say, donuts.

- Blah. Blah blah blah.

Blaaah!

[Munching]

- That should
stall them long enough

For us to find
the secret passageway.

- [Barking]

- Keep your eye peeled, skarr.

According to my map,

We should be very close
to the secret passageway.

[Gasp]

This must be it.

- You think?

- Follow me.
Follow me, mein precious.

I mean, master.
No. Wait. I mean--

Oh, just give me
the stupid ring,
master halfling!

- [Barking]

- Hey, what was that?

- About 5 points.

Ha ha ha!
- Ha ha ha!

Ooh.
- Ooh.

- [Barking]

- Aah!

- [Cheering]

Yay!

[Feedback]

- I'll bet you're wondering
why I have gathered together

Every cold-weather weirdo
in the entire arctic region--

Bigfoot, abdomenable snowman,

Escaped elves,
and psychotic penguins.

- Uh, penguins
are from the antarctic.

- [Hiss]

- I told you, they're psychotic.

Weirdos and misfits, all of you,
shunned by the greater society,

I, too, am shunned.

- [Sobs]

- Let's face it.
We don't fit in, and why?

All because we look
a little different.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Well, enough is enough!

Heck, visible brains
might never fit in.

The day of retribution is here.

Behold the antigravitational
nucular fragmentation device.

- [Gasp]

- Once the device is activated,

It will drill to the core
of the planet and detonate.

The resulting concussion
will fracture the earth's
magnetic field.

Mwah ha ha ha!

- That's it. I'm out of here.

- [Hiss]

With the earth's
magnetic field fractured,

Instead of just
north pole and south pole,

There will be
east and west poles,

Northeast
and southwest poles.

In fact, it should result
in 8 to 12 different poles

All around the world,

And who's better suited
to survive at the poles?

Certainly,
you guys will be cool.

- [Cheering]

- With me as your supreme ruler,

We will dominate the world.

- [Grumbling]

- Hey, shut up.

The device belongs to me.

I hold all the marbles.

- Wait a second.
Well, he has the marbles.

- He's got them.

- All right, then.

So let's get the party started.

- [Cheering]

- Ghastly. Come in, ghastly.

Ghastly!

- Ooh! That's just
the right formula.

- Formula? What formula?

Ghastly, where are you?

- Chief! Heh heh. Oh, sorry.

- Get it together, ghastly.

It's time to activate
the device.

- You got it, big guy.

- What is it with you, ghastly?
You are so weird.

[Beeping]

It works.

[Telephone rings]

What is it, ghastly?

- They're onto you, chief.

- Waah!

- [Sigh]

Now, watch what you're
talking about, ghastly,

And don't frighten the bear.

- According to my monitors,

Cod commando
and the mounted police

Have discovered
the secret passageway.

If they figure out
how to open that door,

They could be on you in minutes.

- But of course those doors
are impenetrable,

Right, ghastly?

Ghastly?

- Blah blah blah. Blah!

- Right. Rock and roll, laddies.

Once more for the queen.

- Blah-blah blah blah!

- Yes, precious.
Follow shlemiegel.

Yidel didel,
shlemiegel schlimazl.

Nasty, stinky, filthy thief.

Give me that stupid ring,
halfling!

- Ha ha!

I say, 6 points.

- The enemy is at the gate.

Everyone,
take your battle stations.

- Uh, what battle stations?

[Whistle blows]

- Hey! Those are my snowmobiles!

- Blah blah blah blah.

[All gasp]

- That's easy for you to say.

- What he's trying to say,
my good fellow,

Is, you're all under arrest,
the lot of you,

For the crime of not fitting in

And conspiracy to detonate
an antigravitational nuclear
fragmentation device, as well.

- Ha! You're too late.
We already did it.

In moments,
your world will be over,

And our world will begin.

Mwah ha ha ha!

- Right. Come along quietly.
You haven't got a chance.

- But we have you outnumbered.

- Yes, but we're mounties.

Aah!

- Hold everything!

Did you feel that?

- I don't feel a thing.

[Rumbling]

[Belch]

[Quack]

[Cuckoo cuckoo]

- Raar! Hee hee!

Yeah!

- We did it!
We pulverized the world!

- Blah blah
blah-blah-blah blah.

- Right. What makes you
so jolly sure you've done it?

Aah!

[Laughter]

- Everybody, to the surface.

- [Cheering]

[Telephone rings]

- What is it now, ghastly?

- I'm afraid there may have been
some unforeseen side effects

From that little device
we detonated, chief.

- Side effects?
What side effects?

- I'm really not sure, chief,

But I think we
destroyed gravity.

- What are you
talking about, ghastly?

Oh! You're making me dizzy.

- Chief, I'll have
to get back to you.

I'm in the middle of winning
the nobel prize.

- Ghastly?
What is wrong with that girl?

[Beeping]

[Train whistle]

[Slam slam slam]

- Blah blah blah blah.

[Dolphins squeal]

- Huh?

- This was not in the plan!

- Ok. Wait!

We still have
to take over the world!

No. No. No!

- Blah blah blah blah blah!

- I believe he said,
"those darn dirty apes,"

But I don't think he meant it.

- Hmm. Would you
look at this junk?

- Yeah. This used to be
such a nice place to visit.

Hey, look.
A couple of live ones.

- This is all your fault,
you know, you jerk.

I told you to test the device,
but would you listen?

No, not the great con carne.

- Shut up. Now what?

- A ufo!

- Great. My day is complete.

- No probes! Allergic to probes!

- Hey!

- Well, what do you know?
We found another one.

- And no mind melds, either!
And I'm keeping all my organs.

I know how you do business.

Aah!

No!

- [Belch]

- Aah!

- See? Check him out--

A visible brain
and a see-through tummy.

He's one of us.

- Hooray!
- Hooray!

- You mean, I'm not alone?

- Heck, no.
We're all over the universe.

- Welcome to the family.

- I'm not a misfit after all.

- Everybody, sing.

- ♪ Hey, h*, and up she rises

♪ Hey, h*, and up she rises

♪ Hey, h*, and up she rises

♪ Early in the morning

- Once more for the queen.

- ♪ What do you do with a...

- ♪ Blah blah
- ♪ sailor?

♪ What do you do with a...

- ♪ Blah blah
- ♪ sailor?

♪ What do you do with a...

- ♪ Blah blah
- ♪ sailor

♪ Early in the morning?

- Kajagoogoo bananarama.

- Dush! Oingo boingo!
Blech ripee!

- [Trumpets]

[Crash]

- Bravo, major doctor ghastly.

I declare your new
budget as*ault pod a success.

- Right, chief,

Though the landing
could use some work.

- General skarr,
secure the area.

General skarr.

- General?

- Uhh...ohh!

- Skarr?

Get out of there
this very instant
and stop slacking off.

- Uh, can't move.

My back, it's gone out.

- Oh, walk it off, general.

Come on.
We've got a world to conquer.

- Please! I'm immobilized.

I can't feel my legs.

Uhh, doggy. Go get help.

Oh, good. You brought friends.

- [Growling]

- Aah!

[Ppbbt]

- Did you hear that, ghastly?

- I think it was me, chief.

I'm a little gassy,

Gassy in sheer awe
of what I see before me.

Behold, chief--moolatom,
an ancient googi cult idol

Worshipped for his great wisdom,
fierce anger,

And chubby belly.

- Now bring this idol to life

So I can use it
to dominate the world.

- Righty-o, chief.

Bbbbbbbbbbbb...

Ow.

- When you place
the black ruby of doodooka

In the idol's forehead,
it should spring to life

And do my bidding.

[Rumbling]

- Gaah!

Who awakens me from my slumber?

- Mighty moolatom,

Kneel before your new master.

Together, we will conquer
the entire world

In its entirety.

- Dude, is it,
like, before noon?

[Yawns]

Give me, like, 15 more minutes.

[Rumbling]

- Aah!

- "Go into the military,"
my mother said.

The military!
Curse you, mother.

Curse you. Curse my luck.

Curse my rotten l--

What's that?

A penny.

Oh, that's good luck.

Ha ha!

Take that, mother! I'm lucky!

- [Screech]

- Whoo hoo!

I'm the luckiest man alive!

- Gaah!

[Ppbbt]

- At least I still
have my penny.

- Ooh.

[Beeping]

- Wha?

- Ok. Now that you
have awakened again,

Kneel before me--
hector con carne,

Your new master,

And conquer the world
in my name.

- Man, that's all adults
ever think about.

Well, maybe I don't want
to conquer the world, huh?

You ever think of that?

- Of course not.
Don't be foolish.

- You got to, like,
release your anger, pops.

- Chief, even though moolatom
is thousands of years old,

He's really only
about 15 in idol years.

Maybe you should offer him
something in exchange
for his services.

- I see.

Hey, jerkwad!

I have enough money to get you
anything you want

If you'll help me
conquer the world.

- Anything, huh?

- Si.
- Ok.

I want a pepperoni
and vindaloo pizza,

A really fast sports car,

A video game system
with internet access,

And...a date with the hot chick
in the rubber outfit.

- I don't have any hot chicks,

But if you'll
take ghastly instead,

You got a deal.

- Steal my luck, will you?

Where I come from,

We have ways of dealing
with dirty little thieves.

- Ow!

- Ha! Ha ha ha!

- [Whimpering and sobbing]

- Ha ha! Serves you right.

- [Sniffles]

[Whimpers]

- Who's your daddy?

Mwah, mwah, mwah!
I'm your daddy.

- [Growls]

- Why, no.

His eye ran right into my rock.

No! No!

Aah!

- ♪ I'm a dancing machine

Ha! "Nice dancing"?

Well, let's see
how you like my dancing

When you're on fire, dude!

Ha ha ha!

Oh, man, I k*ll me.

[Doorbell rings]

- Pizza is here, chief.

- Well, it's about time.

- Oof!

I was bitten by snakes.

This wasn't worth a 15% tip.

- What 15% tip?

- Aah!

- Oh, so this is why
they always put extra spit

On the pizzas we get back home.

- All right, moolatom.

I kept my part of the bargain.

Now it's time--mmph!

Aah! No! Aah!

Aah! Ay! Ow!

Oy! Yow! Yaah!

Oh, moola, no! Aah!

- Oh, man.

Man, I forgot I was a statue.

I don't have a throat.
I can't eat this stuff.

What are you trying to pull?
It's like, hello?

This car is totally too small.

And could you find
an internet connection

That doesn't crash
every 16 seconds?

- But you still have a date
with the lovely major doctor.

- Oh, yeah, baby.

I almost forgot.

- See, major doctor?

You're good for something
after all.

- Grr!

- Ghastly, you look terrible.

Stop bookworming
and get ready for your date.

- Chief, have you noticed
anything about me lately?

- Uh...

Is this a hair thing?

- You haven't noticed
that I might have been--

I don't know--
a little upset with you?

- Why would you be upset?

I totally hooked you up
with that hunky moolatom.

- I know!

I cannot believe that
you just offered me up

To that ancient idol
like a common water buffalo.

- Oh! Your hair
used to be blond,

And now it's red, right?

- Ohh, chief,
I am not going on a date

With that irresponsible,
immature statue.

- [Indistinct]

- I'll tell you
what we're going to do.

It's time for plan "b."

- Plan "b"?

- You got the memo.

You know very well
what plan "b" is.

- A zit? Aw, dude!

Whoa. You're even more
of a hottie than I remembered.

- Oh, you big softie.

I bet you say that
to all the ladies.

Now, about conquering the--

- No, seriously.
You're really pretty.

- Ooh, hee hee hee!

Well, now that I have
your, um, undivided attention,

Could you do me
a weensy little favor?

- Sure, squeezy pants.
What is it?

- Help hector con carne
conquer the world.

- Yeah, sure.

We just have to do
one thing before that.

- No! What are you doing?

Aah!
- Ahh...

Ohh, uhh...

- Moolatom.

- Mom? Dad?

- We've been
worried sick about you.

Well, I hope you're proud
of yourself, young man.

Are you proud?

You made your mother cry.

- Oh, mom is crying?

Like that's never
happened before.

- Oh...waah!

- All right. That's it.
You are grounded.

Go to your room now!

- Fine!

You guys never
let me do anything!

Grr!

Uh!

[Panting]

It's no fair.

- Well, thank you for
calling us again, doctor major.

- Tommy hasn't been to school
for centuries.

- I just hope your big, fat,
ugly sister is ok.

- Oh, she'll be fine.

This happens more often
than you think.

- [Snoring]

[Rustling]

- [Screeching]

- [Snoring]

- Looks like
another idol, chief.

Want to give this one a try?

- Oh.
- Holy smokes.

It's coming to life on its own.

- Oh, thank heavens.
I never thought--

Aah!

[Splash]

- Oh, no, it isn't.

I'm through with idols.

I'm never
coming back here again.

Take me home, boskov.

- Uh, very well.

- At least I still have
my lucky penny.

Ha ha ha!

- [Hiss]

- So that'll be $9.95
for the chicken wings

And a 15% tip.

Oh! Ow! Ohh! Hey!

Whoa!

[Ppbbt]

- No! Please don't go!

- Cheapskate mud monkeys.

- Please! My back. I can't move.

I'm all filthy!

Monkeys broke most of my bones!

Waah!

Mm. Mmm.