01x04 - Evil Con Carne/Emotional Skarr/Evil Goes Wild

[bunniefuu]

Once upon a time, there was a

Jillionare playboy who was

Blown up in a tremendous
expl*si*n.

His brain survived [stomach,
too]

And was attached to the body of

A stupid circus bear.

I am that brain.

My name is hector con carne,

And I will one day rule

The world

Attention,
league of nations.

You will lower
your pathetic defenses

And turn control
of the planet
over to me--

Hector con carne.

Ifyou do not comply
by 6:00 this--

Hey, point the camera
at myou doo-doo!

Me!

[Camera whirs]

[Murmuring]

What? What control?

Ahem! Yes, so...
Turn over control
of the world to me,

Or I will be forced
to use my doomsday device.

With this, I can reduce
your cities to smoking rubble.

You have 6 hours
to meet my demands.

Oh, that was horrible!

Bad boskov! Bad bear!

It's days like this
that I wish my real body
hadn't exploded.

I hate to be the bearer
of bad news, sir,

But the league of nations
has sent a team

Of crack commandos
to stop us.

Commandos?
How can we stop them

From kicking our butts,
general skarr?

Hmm. Cover our butts
with our hands, sir?

Hmm.
Major dr. Ghastly,
suggestions?

Well, chief, the best thing
to do in these situations

Is to listen to your gut.

Stomach: I'm hungry.

Oooooh!

The doomsday device!

Boskov, quickly--

Activate
the doomsday device.

[Neighs]

No, wait.

The doomsday device
is the other way.

No! There is
no time for that.

Boskov,
I command you.

Sir, i...

All right, commandos!

Let's rock!

Guards, protect
the doomsday device!

!¡Ay, caramba!

Oooh!

[Beep beep]

Lunch break!

Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!
Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!

Ugh. Can't feel...my legs.

[All groaning]

[Rattle rattle]

Bee: hey, can I have
some honey, too?

Aargh! That is it!

You good-for-nothing
waste of fat!

[Whimpers]

You are fired.

[Gasps]

But, chief,
you can't fire
your own body.

Boskov is not my body!

He's just a big,
stupid animal

That you stuck me to.

Major doctor,
I order you

To construct for me
a new body--

A body with which I will
dominate the world!

Major dr. Ghastly,
is my body ready yet?

Uh, boskov's
not completely
useless, chief.

I think he deserves
another chance.

Ready, boskov?

You'll love this,
chief.

All right, boskov,
do your trick.

Come on, do your
trick, boskov.

Oh, come on.
Do it for mommy.

[Speaking baby talk]

Oh! Would you do it
for a piece of bacon?

[Gasps]

Stomach: bacon is
a tasty snack.

Do your trick, boskov!

Do it for the bacon!

Good boy!

[Crash]

Stop wasting my time!

I am never going
to need to unicycle
across a tightrope.

The only thing
I need to do

Is rule the world.

Yes, sir.

[Gasps]

Oh! It's beautiful.

This is
the b-1000 full-body
replacement system.

It features
enhanced strength,

Titanium armor,
plasma cannons,

A rear-mounted
rocket array,

And side air bags.

[Whines]

What are you looking at?
You're fired!

Shoo! I never want
to see you again!

[Crying]

Oh. Poor boskov.

[Beeping]

Those accursed
commandos are back

From their lunch break.

Let them come.

I think they're in
for a little surprise.

[Hector laughs maniacally]

Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Er...

Looking for me?

It's the brain! Get him!

What the...?

Eee! Eee! Eeeee!

Aaaaah!

[Crash]

This is like
sh**ting monkeys
in a barrel.

Aaah!

Unh!

Let's get out of here!
Retreat!

No one retreats
from hector con carne.

[Laughs devilishly]

No, chief!
Not the rockets!

[Sobbing]

Help! Help!

Chief!

[Sobbing]

Hector: help me!
Aaah ha!

Help me!

Oh, just pull
yourself up,
you big baby.

I can't!
[Strains]

This body is too heavy.

Aaah!

I'm slipping!

Boskov!

Boskov, you rescued me!

Oh, after all the terrible
things I did to you.

I've been
a pretty bad guy.

We're all
the bad guys, sir.

Yes, but I owe
boskov my life.

I shall no longer be
bad to my...friends.

I pledge never
to yell at you again.

Now, let's go dominate
the world...together.

Hee! Hee!

Ow!

Estupidobear!

If I had hands,
I'd strangle you!

Oh, stop! I think
I'm getting a concussion.

If I had hands,
I'd strangle you!

[Snoring]

The english are a nation
of shopkeepers. Ha ha!

Hector: skarr!

Report to the command center
right away!

But it's--it's 2 a.m.

Don't you know
that tyranny never sleeps?

For, you see,
mon general,

On this very night,

You and I will finally
dominate the world!

[Laughing evilly]

Now, hurry up!

Oh, and pick up
some ice cream--

Vanilla.

Stomach: vanilla
is delicious.

[Cooing]

What's wrong?

I'll tell you
what's wrong.

I am sick and tired of
playing errand boy

For that oversized
wad of chewing gum

And that dipstick
bear of his.

And someday, someday soon,
my children,

I will make him pay.

[Pigeons cooing]

Oh, I'm sorry,
my little babies.

I've forgotten
your midnight snack.

[Gulping]

[Cooing]

[Chirping]

Ok. I'm here.

They were out
of vanilla,

So I got rocky road.

[Grunts]

Hector: welcome, skarr.

This had better
be good!

Oh, yes! It's good.

Very good.

Ah! Tasty.

And now I give you
major dr. Ghastly.

Yes.

Tonight we will unveil

The world's
most destructive weapon.

Isn't it
magnificent?

And it's modeled
after enrique jr.

[Skarr gasps]

There's my boy.

[Barking]

Boskov, pet now.

Ha ha ha!

[Yelps]

[Boskov laughs]

Ugh!

You need to change
your brain fluid,
hector.

There's only one way
to conquer the world.

You've got to build
massive armies

And stockpile missiles.

Then you have to
target and destroy

Every major capital
in the world.

Yes!

Yes! Ha ha ha ha!

All mine! All...

Mine.

Eh. Yes. Well.

We think this
will work nicely, too.

What am I supposed
to do with this?

[Grunting]

Stupid thing.

I hate it.

All systems
are operational.

Whooo!

Now I got it!

[Gasps]
amazing!

Hector: yes, skarr.
Can you feel it?

Something big is
about to go down.

Hmm...seems to be a lag
in reaction time.

Aah!

Hector: before we
set out to conquer
the world, skarr,

We must first run
elaborate

And expensive
training tests.

Behold!

Go ahead.
Choose your...

Weapon.

And with your
dog vision goggles,

You will seek out
the enemy.

Arr...

Good shot, skarr.

Eh...aaah!

Skarr, you continue
your weapon trials.

Boskov and I will be
right here observing.

What luck.
They're asleep.

Now...what have we
got here?

Hmm...boring.

Cute...but no.

Hello!

Pee-yew!

[Gasps, coughs]

Hector: the tests
are testing great,
skarr.

Only 236 more tests
to test.

Well, hector's toy
worked pretty good. Ha ha!

Good riddance
to bad rubbish.
Ha ha ha!

Self destruct will occur
in "t" minus 10 seconds.





Tv announcer:
it is fourth down
and one yard to go,

And the score
is tied

With only 5 seconds
on the clock.

Ghastly: ahem.

We interrupt this program to
bring you an important message.

Hector:
greetings, skarr.

It is my sincerest hope
that you get well soon

Because you've got
to work off

The 50 million bucks
you owe for that robot
you broke.

Hey! You can't do--

Whoo-wee, folks, you can
tell your grandkids

That you've just watched
the absolute best play
in football history.

[Cooing]

[Pigeons cooing]

Sir, we have
spork fighters

Incoming at 9:00.

Prepare for battle!

Aah! Aah!

Hector: what's wrong
with our troops?

They're running around
like a pack of idiots.

What was that?

That was just
our engines
blowing up.

I'm out of here!

Fools! I order you
back to your posts!

Cowards!

Fired! You're all fired!

You worthless bunch
of sissies!

Mommy!

Ugh!

Oof! Oof! Oof!

So, son, that's
how the muskrat
got his name.

What the--

Stay back, son!

[Grunting]

Wha--who? Where am i?

Lasers?

Come out with your paws up.

You know the law--

Wild bears are not allowed
to fraternize

With park guests.

But I'm not a--
I can explain.

I'm unarmed!
Literally!

Huh?

Ooh!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Curse you, park ranger.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Wh--what happened?

What was that?
Boskov! Look out!

We're being
attacked by...

Peanuts?

Being thrown
by little children!

What a stinking day!

I wind up a cute attraction
at a petting zoo.

Stomach: peanuts!

Peanuts are salty and good!

Hector: there must be
a way out of this dump.

What was that?

Who are you?

Boskov! Do something!

[Growls]

Wait!

[Growls]

Aarrgh! Aarrgh!

Aarrgh! Aarrgh!

What are you doing?

[Sniffing]

What's going on!
Aah!

What is going on
back there?

[Growls]

[Whistles]

[Growls]

Hey! Something strange
is going on here.

Wait! It looks like
plans of some sort.

Bears? Picnic baskets?

Boskov, do you realize
what's going on here?

The high security,

The armed guards,
the elaborate plans--

These bears
are running their own

Organized crime ring.

So alert,
so professional...

Just the kind of soldiers
I always wanted.

It's time to get me
a new army.

Boskov, prepare
to translate.

Ahem.

Ahem.

Oh, mr. Bear.

[Growls]

[Growls]

Let's get down
to business.

Now, I see that
you have plans

To steal
picnic baskets.

[Growling]

Now, that's all
fine and good,

And you should be
very proud of yourselves.

[Growling]

But picnic baskets
are small potatoes.

[Growling]

Why, we bears should be
running this forest,

Not the humans.

[Growling]

Huh!

We are the true kings
of the forest,

And I shall lead us
to victory!

[Growling]

Follow me, brothers,

To honor, to glory,
to, uh...

Uh...i...

To a free lunch!

To a free lunch!

[Growling]

[All growling]

Hector: hector con carne
is back in business.

Today, this
rotten state park,

Tomorrow, the world!

Ha ha ha!

Hey, timmy,
would you like
some more lima beans?

Yeah, please!

What was that?

It sounds like...

Hector: all right, bucko.

Bears!

Relinquish
your picnic basket,

My good man.

Resistance is futile.

Now, don't make
any sudden moves.

[Sirens blaring]

Heh heh heh!

Good work, boys.

Hold it right there, bears.

Oh, no. The big, mean
park ranger.

Whatever shall I do?

Now, listen, bear.

No, you listen,
buster.

There's a new force
to reckon with
in this park--me,

Hector con carne!

Get him, boys.

Ha ha ha!

I love it
when a plan
comes together.

It makes me feel...
Naughty.

All right, now,
mr. Ranger. March!

Wow! So this is
what it's like to be
on the winning side.

And to think,
I never again
have to deal

With bumbling fools
like--

Ghastly on radio:
calling the chief.

Come in, chief.

Major dr. Ghastly?

Oh, thank goodness
we found you.

We thought
you were a goner.

Stay away from me,
you numskulls!

I got a new army now,

An army I can be proud of,

One that wins,
an army i--

[Growls]

Not again.

Ohh...

Sometimes he's
so melodramatic.

Good thing the chief's
back safe with us.

Aah!

Ooh! You idiots!

Ow! You ruined everything!

Ah! Take me back,
you dorks!

Ooh! I was the king
of the forest!

Ooh! Take me back! Ow!