(no audio)
(gentle festive music)
- [Clive] Greetings
from the Hammersmiths.
I hope all is well,
and you are in good spirits.
(shutter clicking)
As Christmas approaches,
I like to take time
to reflect on all the
wonderful times my family
and I have had this past year.
Wishing you a Merry Christmas
and a happy New Year.
Love, Clive H.
(gentle festive music)
(gentle festive music continues)
(gentle festive music continues)
(gentle festive music continues)
(gentle festive music continues)
(water sloshing)
- [John] Dad, mail's here.
- Bring it up.
- Here's your mail.
- Thanks.
Your mother's gonna
make me bankrupt.
- What's bankrupt?
- It's like when somebody
eats all your Cocoa Puffs.
- Cocoa Puffs.
(playfully downbeat music)
- Right on schedule.
(Joe sighs)
(playfully downbeat
music continues)
- [Clive] Greetings
from the Hammersmiths.
I hope all is well and
you are in good spirits.
As Christmas approaches
I like to take time
to reflect on all
the wonderful times
my family and I have
had this past year.
(shutter clicking)
P.S. You're invited to my
big birthday bash in England.
Bono is my special musical
guest. Details to come.
(gentle warm music)
(water sloshing)
(horn toots)
(bright music)
- Deb, how come we
never do anything?
- Hmm? What are
you talking about?
- I mean, we're alive,
but I don't really live,
I never do anything interesting.
- We went to the
Scouts dinner Monday.
(Joe groans)
Well, I enjoyed it.
I like socializing with
people in the community.
It helps me feel connected.
- (chuckles) You
like hanging out
with grown men in
shorts in the winter?
I mean, come on.
(mischievous music)
Oh, I mean, we never travel
or go anywhere or skydive.
We never go skydiving.
We used to talk about
going skydiving.
- I never talked about
skydiving. That's
your death wish.
- Oh. Oh yeah.
(mischievous music)
(traffic whooshing)
- Wait. We got it, didn't we?
- What do you mean?
- This annual envy
fest is getting old.
- Mm.
- Do you think Mary bragged
about all the
gold, frankincense,
and myrrh that baby Jesus got?
- Well, she should have.
It was quite the haul.
(door knocking)
Ah, I'll get it. I'll get it.
- Ah! If it's a
package, no peeking.
- [Joe] If. (laughs)
If it's a package.
Oh, hey.
- Hey, Joe.
- Yeah. Hi Rich.
- I got one for you today.
- Okay. Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Do all your packages
end up like this?
It's a little beaten up.
- Oh, no worries.
Whatever's in there
is pretty strong.
Mm.
- Okay.
- I, I know 'cause I,
I used it to step on it
to reach the top
shelf in my truck, so.
- Oh.
- You're good to go.
- Okay, great.
- Hi, Rich.
- Hi, Rich.
- Oh, hey, kids.
- Did you bring us any presents?
- Yeah, did you
bring us anything?
- That's Santa's job.
I'm just an honorary elf.
(both chuckle)
Yeah, see, my job is to
pack in all the things
that Santa can't
fit into a sleigh.
And I bring those, see? Okay?
- Yes!
- Yes!
- Well, I'm gonna be, be going.
- Okay.
- Gotta get there.
- That's a good one, Rich.
- So I'll be seeing
you real soon.
- All right.
- Okay.
- I'll see you around.
- And uh, uh, tell
Debbie Merry Christmas!
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Merry Christmas.
(Joe groans)
Rotating tree stand.
- I told you not to peek.
- What am I supposed
to do with this?
- It's to stringing up
the lights on the tree.
- Oh.
- Isn't that neat?
- Yeah. Neat.
(Joe groans)
O tannenbaum, o tannenbaum
- Who does this?
- Someone with controlling
stock in Waterford.
- Wonder what his doorknob
looks like. (chuckles)
- You know, for
someone who supposedly
has been friends with
this guy for years,
you sure don't act
like it sometimes.
- Yeah, he means well.
He's just a bit tone deaf.
He lives in the world
of rich and famous
and I live in this one.
And he likes to remind me of it
every single year without fail.
- You know, his letters
are always over the top.
(Joe sighs)
So why do you stay in touch?
- I dunno. I guess this
goes back to my childhood.
- I am pleased to announce,
today I have your
pen pal assignments.
- [Students] Yes!
- Ooh, I hope I get to
write to a cute Italian boy.
- Save yourself a stamp.
- [Teacher] Getting to know
someone from a foreign land
is a wonderful thing.
Many pen pals become
lifelong friends.
- Texas?
- [Teacher] Even in spite
of cultural differences,
you'll discover that
you and your new pen pal
have a lot more in
common than you think.
(warm playful music)
- [Clive] I play tennis too.
In fact, I'll be playing
Junior Wimbledon this year.
What tennis club
do you belong to?
Cheers, Clive H.
- Bloody hell.
- I could really tell
we are worlds apart
when I got my gold
badge in Scouts
and he said, "Oh, gold,
that's a good
investment opportunity.
It'd be great for
your portfolio."
(lofty music)
Bloody hell.
I must have been a
glutton for punishment
because I visited a few times
and was eventually asked to
be an usher at his wedding.
(horse chuffs)
- Oh, there you are, old dog.
Look at you, mate.
You could almost be mistaken
for an accomplished
businessman, huh?
- Uh...
- Hey, hey,
I want you to introduce
you to someone,
has a big thing for Americans.
Joe, meet Fiona.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Okay. Got to dash.
Wedding and all, uh...
- What's this for?
- An usherly favor.
See, my horse steed
will be pulling
our carriage away
from the church.
He had a little
molasses this morning
and he's not feeling that great.
(uncomfortable music)
Would you mind?
- Uh...
- Thanks.
And keep the spade,
the shovel, as a gift.
You kids have fun.
(Joe and Fiona
chuckle nervously)
- So, Fiona, right?
- Fiona.
(uncomfortable music continues)
- And that's when the
Christmas letters began.
Year after year reminding
me of how great his life is
and how, how mine wasn't.
I just wish I could
just experience that
life just for once.
What did Thoreau say?
"Most men live lives
of quiet desperation."
I don't wanna be most men.
- Well, at least you're not
quiet about your desperation.
- One year, we're
gonna live that life.
We're gonna do all
those crazy wild things
that, that he does.
We're gonna do it.
And people are
gonna read about it
and they're gonna
wish they we're us
as opposed to us was
wishing we were them.
(shutter clicking)
(optimistic music)
Yeah.
- Stop comparing
yourself to others.
You've got it pretty
good right here.
(phone ringing)
I'll get it.
(tree stand whirring)
- What is going on
with this thing?
Is that smoke?
- Hello.
- Deb Michaels. Is that you?
- Clyde Hammersmith.
(ornaments smashing)
Wow, we were just
talking about you.
- Sorry. Signals here in
the Med are just atrocious.
And the Greeks wonder
why things are so bad.
No decent 5G anyway.
- Oh, what a shame.
- We've been trying all day
to get dinner reservations
at Oroscopo and no luck.
- I know what you mean.
- So have you received
our letter yet?
- Yes. Joe, can't
stop talking about it.
I can't wait to read it.
- Yes. Brilliant.
Full of great pics,
including some of me
and my new tennis Daniel Craig.
(tree stand whirring)
(ornaments shattering)
Oh. And there's a
special surprise in
there for you and Joe.
Hasn't he told you about it yet?
- Uh, not yet.
- I won't spoil the surprise.
But how is old Joe?
Still chasing the big
money in advertising?
- Yep. Always chasing.
- Put that old dog on the line.
I want to have a chat with him.
- Hold on a second.
(electricity zaps)
(window crashing)
Clive, He'll call you back.
- Dad.
- Oh!
- Is Dad okay?
- He'll be fine.
Once I find the receipt for
that rotating tree stand.
Jingle bells
Jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, a fun it is to ride
In a one-horse
open sleigh, hey
- Don't you get sick
of playing that song?
- Don't you ever get sick
of listening to Journey?
- Hey, they got me through
a lot of tough times.
- What? Puberty?
- Uh-huh.
(Drew chuckles)
- What you working on?
- Oh, it's a itinerary
for a whole year of family
activities and, and vacations.
I'm, I'm gonna present
it to them at Christmas.
- (inhales sharply)
Don't get caught
doing that on company time.
I, I hear they're looking to
make cuts before Christmas.
- Yeah. I think
I'm gonna be okay.
I'm not the one walking
around playing a ukulele.
- But I'm hip and quirky
and companies love that.
It's like the new MBA.
- The what?
- You're old school, man.
Nobody cares about
good punctuation
and grammar and spelling.
It, it's all about
reaching your audience.
And your audience is
young and hip and quirky.
- You're 45 years old.
- Yeah, but I don't act like it.
So let's hear these big plans.
- Really?
- Hmm.
- All right, so this is gonna
really blow my wife's mind.
I'm gonna take it
to the Chez Monet
in Times Square
for New Year's Eve.
- The Chez Monet?
- Yeah.
- One meal there is
like a car payment.
- I know. It's gonna
be great. (laughs)
- What's that one?
- This one? It's a golf
clinic with a golfing legend.
Yeah.
- Hmm. A legend.
Like who?
- Well, it's subject
to availability,
but they do mention there
could be a one Tiger Woods.
- This says Tigger Woods.
- Yeah, it's a typo.
But anyway, I got this guy
who sends me these letters.
Anyway, it's a long story,
but when he sees me playing
golf with Tiger Woods-
- Tigger.
- he's gonna freak out.
Oh, maybe Tiger's
gonna let me wear
his green PGA jacket.
That's gonna be so cool.
- Yeah, you'll be
wearing a jacket,
but it ain't gonna be green.
- Oh, well-
(phone ringing)
Hello. This is Joe.
Sure. I, I, I'll
be there in a sec.
That was HR.
Just gonna go down there
for a quick meeting.
- Ooh, HR? Want me to
pack some boxes for you?
- No, it's not gonna
be anything like that.
It's probably they wanna talk
to me about that
community project.
And besides if anyone's
gonna be packing boxes,
it's gonna be you,
walking around playing
that stupid thing.
- Did you not hear
anything I said
about being hip and quirky?
- Anyway. Forget about it.
I'll be back soon.
Jingle bells
Jingle bells
(grand festive music)
- I can see you're in shock.
Deck the halls with
boughs of holly
- You see, Joe, corporate
says we're failing
to reach the younger
internet crowd.
We need people who
can relate to them.
People who could reach them
in a hip and quirky
kinda way. (giggles)
And for less money, of course.
- I- I- I can play the jug.
I mean, is that hip
and quirky enough?
See the blazing
yule before us
- So do you wanna go out the
front door or the back door?
- What are you talking about?
- We like to give
newly-separated assets,
in this case, you,
a choice as to whether
he or she wants
to avoid being seen
by former coworkers.
- Hey, Linda.
- Hi, Drew.
You're looking great.
- So are you. (chuckles)
- Oh, I get it.
You don't want me to
make a scene, freak out?
That's why you want me
to go out the back door?
- The company would prefer it.
- Well, since the company's
already backdoored me,
I would like to go out the
front door, if that's okay.
Don we now, our g*y apparel
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la-la
Troll the ancient
Yuletide carol
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Fast away, the
old year passes
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la-la
Hail the new, ye
lads and lasses
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la-la
Sing we joyous all together
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
(elevator dings)
- Oh, man. Really?
- Yep. I'm afraid so.
- Sorry man. We'll
miss you around here.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Look, don't worry about that.
How's your, uh, house
situation going?
- Fell through again. We just
don't qualify for a mortgage.
- Man, that ain't right. Sorry.
- It all works out.
Just keep the faith.
- Ahem.
Fa-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
- Let us know if you
have any questions.
We'll be in touch
with severance papers.
Merry Christmas! (guffaws)
(upbeat festive music continues)
(upbeat festive music continues)
(blower whirring)
- I can't believe they did this
to you right before Christmas.
- Yeah.
Human resources love Christmas.
Especially love their
Christmas firing carols like
I'll be homeless
for Christmas
Or their other one.
Santa isn't coming to town
San-
- Santa isn't coming to town?
- Uh- no.
- Oh, sweetie. He is.
- Yeah.
- It's just, daddy got the
name of that song wrong.
That's all.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Go ahead,
go back to bed.
(both sigh)
Look, I know this is tough,
but please don't ruin
the holiday for the kids.
- Okay.
- Get some sleep.
Tomorrow's a new day.
(Joe exhales concernedly)
(downtrodden music)
- Ooh, tough break, buddy.
But just remember, don't stop
believing. (laughs mockingly)
- Joe! This is Dylan,
your replacement. (laughs)
He's a millennial.
Half your age, half your salary.
People love his blog and
he is a master with emojis.
(both cackle)
- Oh, well, tough luck,
Michaels. Onward steed.
(hooves clopping)
(Deb snoring)
(soft concerned music)
- You'll be fine.
- I, um, I cashed in my 401k.
- Excuse me?
- That's the only
way we can finance
the year of the Michaels.
- What are you talking about?
- A whole year of family fun
and excitement and adventure
so we can write the
ultimate Christmas letter.
- Wait a minute.
You lost your job
and just cashed in on
the one thing standing between
us and a homeless shelter?
All so you could write your
own narcissistic newsletter?
- Our narcissistic letter.
- Oh, f...
- And it's only gonna
work if we give it 110%.
- Why didn't you talk
to me about this?
How we spend our money
should be a mutual decision.
- We never had a discussion
about all the shoes you buy.
I mean, how many did you
buy last year? 45 pairs.
- That's for when we do
something special someday.
- Exactly.
I was gonna wait till
Christmas to give you this.
(tender music)
- Joe.
We don't ski.
- Y- I mean...
- Squirrels on YouTube
do it better than you.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But, but we'll learn.
I mean, that's the whole point
of doing these fun
family things, you know?
- (sighs) Chez Monet?
- Yeah. (laughs) Right?
- Bahamas?
Yes.
- Oh!
- It'll be awesome.
- Wait, Tigger Woods.
- Eh, that's a typo.
- Tiger Woods?
- Yes.
The one and only.
- We can't afford this.
- The, the 401k will
finance the whole thing.
- Joe, our savings.
- Ah, it's gonna
be fine. Trust me.
- Oh, I don't know.
(door knocking)
- Oh, it's gonna be
great, I'll be there.
It's good.
(mischievous music)
What are doing, Rich?
- Merry Christmas!
(bright festive music)
- What better way to start
the year of the Michaels
than a Norman
Rockwell-esque sleigh ride
on Christmas morning.
- But Dad, I wanna
play with my toys.
- Yeah, Dad. It's
Christmas morning.
I didn't even get
to open my Legos.
- Joe. This is nice.
But if you wanted to be
like Norman Rockwell,
I could have just
gotten you some paints.
- [Joe] Why look at a painting
when you could experience
the real thing.
Well, here it is.
It is to ride on a
one-horse open sleigh, hey
Jingle bells, jingle
bells, jingle all the way
- Where are the horses?
Where's all the snow?
- Uh, I don't know.
(Deb sighs)
- Oh, It'll be fine.
It'll be fun. Come on.
Let's, uh, let's go have
a sleigh ride, meet Santa.
Be great.
(Caroline gasps)
(hopeful music)
Yeah.
- Santa!
(discouraging music)
- Merry Christmas.
Name's Frederick Santa.
You must be my 10:00
am special appointment.
Mighty adventurous of you, man.
Coming out on Christmas
for a big holiday hunt.
Let's get it on.
- Hunt?
- Yeah, it'll be like the Easter
egg hunt, candy cane hunt.
Anyway, l- l- let's
go. Let's get going.
(gentle music)
- Uh, Mom?
(worrisome music)
- Joe.
- Is this supposed
to be a sleigh ride?
- Yep. Slay Rides Incorporated.
We k*ll 'em, you grill 'em.
Now let's go find Rudolph
and get us some fresh
Christmas venison, huh?
- Daddy, what's venison?
- Oh, it's, a, it's a
little town in Italy.
We'll go there one day.
It's, they make
pizzas and stuff.
- h*-h*-hold on.
- This'll be fun.
(all screaming)
- Poor Rudolph.
(dark music)
(Deb exhales sharply)
- [Deb] Guys, go
wash your hands.
- [Caroline] Yes, mommy.
- So, uh, I'll just, uh,
put this under the tree then?
(mouse clicking)
(keyboard clacking)
- Yes, Dad. We're fine.
What?
Yeah, he's right here.
He wants to talk to you.
(Joe sighs)
- Hi, Tony.
- Heard you bagged Rudolph
on Christmas day. Nice.
Thanks for traumatizing
my daughter and grandkids.
Wanna mount my head on the wall?
- Oh, actually, yeah,
but I think you have
to be dead first, but-
- Oh, Joe. Gimme that.
Dad? Yeah, I'm sorry.
I know, I know. Okay.
I love you too. Merry Christmas.
- Well, it was, uh,
nice of Frederick
to process all that
venison for us.
And he even gave us a
box of reindeer jerky.
- What the hell
were you thinking?
- Well, you don't wanna let
a little mishap spoil our
Christmas fun. (chuckles)
- Fun?
That head was eating berries
no less than 24 hours ago.
- Um, look, can I
make it up to you
with a another
Christmas surprise?
- Oh, what's next,
a taxidermy elf?
- (chuckles) No.
We're going to
England next summer.
- What are you talking about?
- Didn't you read
Clive's letter?
- I couldn't get past the part
about having tea with
Sir Paul McCartney.
- Oh no, there was,
there was a P.S.
and he was inviting us all
to his big birthday bash
next summer in the UK.
And it's gonna be like
bow ties and black ties
and champagne and
caviar and dignitaries
and all that kind of stuff.
So I thought, "Hey, why not?"
So I booked a ticket and
RSVP'd and away we go.
Wh- what do you think?
- You want to go to a
party for the very man
whose Christmas letter
drives you crazy each year?
A party for the man who
will likely put this event
in next year's letter.
- Yeah, absolutely.
'Cause then We can write
about it in our letter.
What a way to steal his thunder.
It's gonna be brilliant, hey?
(laughs) Oh yes.
- I see you truly
value his friendship.
- I think it's gonna be good.
(bright music)
(keyboard clacking)
- Hey, everyone.
Bryan Deacrest here with you
to celebrate another New Year's
Rompin' Eve in Times Square.
Tonight, we're outside
the inimitable Chez
Monet French restaurant,
under new management,
by the way.
Where everyone who's anyone
will be enjoying
sumptuous dining,
fine music, and a
Rompin' Eve tradition:
the midnight pressing
of the ceremonial button
that lowers the famous ball.
(energetic music)
- But this is my best suit.
- I'm sorry, sir.
Those are the rules.
- I mean, we had a
reservation for 6:30.
I wanna speak to the manager.
- You mean the general manager?
Yeah, that'd be moi.
- Oh, bonjour.
- Bonsoir.
I'm Norm de Plume,
the general manager.
This is Chez Monet.
Where everything is
fine and beautiful
and the music's good and
the food is sumptuous.
But you're not dressed right.
And I can't let people
dressed like you in here.
I'm sorry. I hope
you understand.
- Uh, is this even
a French restaurant?
I mean, are you even French?
- No. Thanks for asking.
- W- what about my reservation?
- Didn't she tell you
about the dress code?
- Yeah, yeah. She did, she did.
- Okay, good.
Well, know you look just great
for a high school
reunion, let's say,
Moose Club in Paramus.
Did you show him the rules?
- Yes. I, uh, okay.
Again.
- Yes.
- Section three, paragraph
four specifically states
that we will not serve
any man, woman, or child
who's not wearing attire
befitting the establishment.
I-
- Excuse me, sir.
- Sir?
- What?
- Is there a problem?
There must be some
misunderstanding.
Ah, oh, see Deb and
Joe Michaels 6:30.
- Oh.
But, you know, we can't just,
you are just very pr- p- pretty.
You're a lucky devil.
As lovely as you are,
I can't let your husband
dine here tonight.
- Why not?
- At Chez Monet we
have rules like,
you need a proper dinner suit.
- What? Like a tuxedo?
- Not like a tuxedo.
A real tuxedo.
Like a one-button
mohair by Brioni.
- Oh yeah. Brioni
would be a good one.
- The rules are the rules.
If I made an exception,
I'd have the let in
the whole hoi polloi.
- We had a reservation here
and we're not gonna
leave until we're seated
buying some, something expensive
and celebrating the New Year's.
- Well if I may, we
may have an option
if you'd be amenable to it.
- Sure, if I must.
- You know what?
We can rent you a tuxedo.
Our selection is quite
limited, but we have some.
- All right. How much is it?
- 300.
- $300.
- 300? That's our whole
budget for the evening.
- What were they gonna
order? Bread and water.
(Norm laughs)
A crouton?
(prim music)
- More?
- Yeah, uh, uh, garcon?
Garconesse, or whatever.
- Sir?
- Another round of
your finest bread.
- Can I get you anything else?
Uh, some dessert, some
bread pudding perhaps?
- No, just the bread's fine.
(bread crunches)
- Sir.
They've requested more bread.
- How about the day-old?
(bread crunches)
Perfect.
- Do you see that?
Is that a Rolex?
- Ooh.
Do we get one too?
- Yeah, I think we do.
I think they're giving them out.
- What is this, your
10th bread basket?
- Can we get one of
those goody bags?
- Oh, I'm afraid you
don't get one now.
- Why not? We're patrons.
- You ate free bread all night.
I'm sorry. Now if
you'll excuse me.
- What's a French word
for a guy like that?
- d*uche.
- Yeah. Le d*uche.
(subdued music)
(subdued music continues)
(subdued music continues)
(subdued music continues)
(patron chuckles)
- Oh Joe, I'm sorry.
- You know what?
I'm not gonna let anybody
ruin this night. Okay?
Have I told you that I love you?
- Mm-hmm.
Last week when I took
in the garbage cans.
- Oh yeah.
- Mm-hmm. Joe!
- [Crowd] Ten,
nine, eight, seven
six, five, four,
(crowd clamoring)
three, two, one.
(fireworks whistle)
(crowd cheers)
(cheerful festive music)
- Happy New Year! Go!
- Stop them! Stop those people!
- Idiots. It's only 9:45.
(fireworks crackling)
- Hi Mr. Clark. Oh my Gosh.
Where you been?
Happy New Year. Muah!
Happy New Year.
- I cannot find my phone.
Deb, Deb, I need your phone.
Quick, quickly.
- What? What are you doing?
You gonna tear us apart.
- No. It's gonna be great.
Excuse me. Can we get
a selfie with you?
- Sure.
- Oh, thank you.
- Why not?
- All right.
- It's not like I don't
have any time to k*ll.
- Cheese.
(shutter clicking)
Huge fan. I love of you
on "American Band Stand."
You are great. All right.
- I bet this never
happened to d*ck.
(phone buzzing rhythmically)
- Hello?
- Joe?
- No.
- Oh, I, oh.
I'm looking for Joe Michaels.
- Oh yeah. Right.
I'm afraid the Michaels
are thankfully no
longer in this building.
- Oh.
- So.
- Well, I, I heard
he was coming in
to the big city tonight.
I guess I missed
a hell of a party.
- Ah, you could say that, yeah.
Now I'm afraid I don't
wish to help you anymore.
I hope you have a
very happy New Year.
- Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
- What, what, what, what?
- Could you tell him about the
package? My package for Joe.
See, I missed it on my route
and well now it's,
it's leaking and...
- I'm sure it is.
I'll be sure not
to let them know.
- He'll, uh, he'll
find it tomorrow.
Looks like you've got a
pretty nice place there.
- Bloody hell.
- Dining and dashing.
I feel so dirty.
We turned Times Square
into a ghost town
on New Year's Eve.
Who does that?
- Well, Times Square
is so overrated.
Besides, there's nowhere to pee.
Sorry. Correction.
I did see someone
peeing in a mailbox.
In fact, I saw a lot
of people peeing.
And we didn't even dine
we just had some bread.
It was fine.
- Then why did we dash?
- Uh...
- Wouldn't have anything
to do with that Rolex on
your wrist now, would it?
- Well, I mean, you
have one as well.
- I'm not wearing it.
- Well, look, besides,
I mean all those people
at that restaurant,
that this means nothing to them.
It's like a pair
of socks to them.
- A very expensive
pair of socks.
(Joe sighs)
(phone ringing)
- Your phone's ringing.
Ah.
Hello?
- Oh, it's you.
Heard you got yourself a pair
of hot watches the other night.
Thanks for making
my daughter a felon.
What are planning
next? A homicide.
Joe, you there?
- Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm here. I was just
trying to do something else.
- Get my daughter on the phone.
- Who is it?
- Grampus.
No, I mean Grandpa.
Is your mom around?
Deb? Deb?
- Momma!
- Little thing is on the phone.
Crazy ol' Grampa.
Grampa.
(mischievous music)
- Oh, hey Rich.
- Hi, Joe.
- Oh.
- Whatcha got there?
Thank you.
Why do your packages look like
they're being used
as a ThighMaster?
- Oh, well, sorry.
I'm sure it's fine.
Yeah? Here.
- Okay.
- I just need your signature.
- All right.
- There you go. Right there.
- So, uh, how's life?
- Well, I'm getting
the vasectomy.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, my wife's been
bugging me for years.
At first she wanted to be
like that family on TV.
You know the one
with the 10 kids?
- Oh yeah.
- But after four C-sections,
a couple of sets of breach twins
and giving once birth
on a roller coaster,
she got tired of
trying to keep up, so.
- Yeah.
- Nine's the magic number.
So next week I, I'm seeing
my urologist and Dr. Stoppe.
- Dr. Stop. Is that like stop?
S-T-O-P?
- No, no.
S-O it's two P's and an E.
- Oh.
- Like, like shoppe, you
know, like ye olde shoppe.
- Right. Yeah.
Yeah.
So he's kinda like a boutique
back vasectomy doctor
kind of thing?
- It's a regular office,
but he says a couple of snips
and my baby making
days are over.
- Wow, well thanks for your
public service there, Rich.
- Hi, Rich.
- Mrs. Michaels.
Well, uh, well, nice
talking to you, Joe.
Mrs. Michaels. Deb. (chuckles)
- Uh, did he just wink at you?
- I think it was a twitch.
Probably nervous
about that vasectomy.
- Hmm.
(bright music)
- [Joe] There's nothing like
the crisp winter snow
in the mountains.
Right, kids?
Come on. We're headed
to Goliath Mountain.
The Goliath Mountain.
Who's ready to rip some poo.
- [Deb] Think you
mean rip some pow.
- Where's daddy?
- He went to register us
for the tennis lessons.
If he doesn't show up soon,
he's gonna miss the ski lessons.
- Oh, sorry. Sorry I'm late.
Oh, there was a long line.
Look, I just found
out that John McEnroe
is gonna be one of the
instructors at the tennis camp.
- Get out!
- Yeah. Isn't that cool?
- And with that,
I wish you all the best
of luck on the slopes.
- Oh, but wait, my
husband just got here.
- Oh, uh, he could
join my next lesson
and catch up with you later.
How's that?
- Yeah, that sounds fine.
You go ahead. I'll
catch up with you later.
Go rip some poo. (laughs)
- Pow.
(Joe chuckles)
- All right.
- Here's our other participant.
Big Joe, meet Little Joe.
- Oh, like in the
"Bonanza"? (laughs)
- No, no. This little
guy is a Joe too.
- Hey, hey, Little Joe.
- Who you calling little?
- Ow.
- Big Joe and Little Joe,
the first thing we're gonna
cover is the snowplow.
- Mm-hmm.
- Just watch me.
It's very simple, okay?
- Okay.
- That's it. Okay?
Go forward and
you're gonna bend.
(Joe whimpers and laughS)
Come on.
- I think I'm doing it.
- Mm-hmm. Yep.
Uh-huh. You're really doing it.
There you go.
(Joe laughing)
Wow. Good job.
That was amazing.
(bright music)
- [John] Yeah!
(instructor and Joe shouting)
- This is so fun.
- It is, isn't it?
I just wish I knew
where your father was.
- Dip it in the sauce.
Dip it in the sauce.
Yeah. Okay.
Good job, Little Joe.
Side of mayo. Side of mayo.
Hit it. Hit it.
Okay.
Okay, Big Joe. Come on.
You gotta want it. Come on, bud.
Come on Joe. Come on, Joe.
- Dad? Dad?
- we are out here
skiing kind of.
You're, you're
doing really good.
You're doing really
good, Big Joe.
Super, super proud of you.
(distressing music)
Big Joe, my dude.
Little Joe, you did great.
Big Joe, how's your
insurance? (laughs)
I'm just, I'm just
funnin' with you.
Just, just take
it easy up there.
Remember what I showed you.
And you'll be king of the
bunny hill in, in no time.
- Big baby on the
bunny hill. (laughs)
- How we doing, sir?
- Oh, good.
All right. Step right on up.
- Here we go, sir.
- Okay.
- Enjoy the ride.
(Joe yelps)
- Yeah. Where is Dad?
- [John And Caroline] Dad?
(mellow music)
- That was more
like a bunny hill.
- Where the hell have you been?
We were worried sick.
We thought you slammed into
a tree or flew over a cliff.
- That'd be more dignified.
You know the Goliath
Mountain gives
every first-timer who
skis down the bunny trail
a little bunny
rabbit's foot thing.
- Oh. Yeah.
- Yeah. One of those.
- Where's yours?
- It's, uh, hopping
down some trail
in the forest somewhere.
- Let's go get dinner, huh?
- Yeah.
- We need all our strength
for tomorrow's tennis lesson
with McEnroe, remember?
Come on, kids.
- Uh, I just, I just
need to do something.
Just, uh, just...
- Whoa, whoa, where you going?
- Oh, I'll be back in a sec.
I, I, I'll, I'll see you soon.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'd like, like a photo please.
- Can I see your
Black Diamond badge?
- My what?
- Your Black Diamond badge.
You got one when you
completed the run, right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. I had one.
I think it flew off when I was
skiing down the ninth thing.
- Yes. Sorry, I can't take
your photo without the badge.
- Oh. Uh, mm, let's, uh.
- Hey, night skiing just
opened up. You wanna go ride?
- I am working.
- Oh yeah, that's great idea.
Oh, look, I, I, I, I
can take care of this.
You, you can go.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah. You guys
go have some fun
that's really dumb-
- All right, let's go.
Let's go.
- and stupid.
All right, here we go. Oh, uh.
Okay. Oh!
That's good.
(shutter clicks)
(lighthearted music)
I can't believe it.
Finally gonna get
a tennis lesson
by the number-one
tennis champion
of the world, John McEnroe.
- I hate to admit it,
but this is exciting.
- Is he that toe fungus guy?
- "For toes that play tennis."
- W- what are they
talking about?
- He did a commercial
for toe fungus.
It had a cartoon of two
toes playing tennis.
The kids laughed.
- Okay, well let's
not bring that up.
It might not have been
McEnroe's finest moment.
- You're a bunch of losers!
- Especially you grandma.
- That's right. You never
once charged the net.
You know, you sat
back on the baseline,
you blamed everything on
your double hip replacement.
Unbelievable.
- What is that?
- I dunno. I'll be right back.
Hi.
I, I'm, I'm just
here with my family
for the tennis lesson.
I was just wondering, what
was that jungle gym thing?
What's the deal with that?
- Oh, the extreme ninja course.
- Yeah.
- Tennis isn't as
popular as it used to be,
so we had to roll with the times
and, and people love anything
extreme anyways, right?
- Uh, I heard that John
McEnroe was gonna be here.
I see a lot of people who
look and sound like McEnroe,
but I don't actually see-
- Yeah.
- John McEnroe.
- You heard right,
but you didn't.
- Uh, excuse me.
- It's John, Mac,
and Ro Dablonski.
They're our onsite tennis pros
And they're actually
fraternal triplets.
Their parents are big
fans of Johnny Mac
so, you know, named
them accordingly.
It does confuse
people sometimes.
Sir, sir, the clock is ticking
and I do not want
them mad with me.
Last time they made me
climb the extreme rope.
- You came here to play, right?
- Mac asked you if you
came here to play, did ya?
- [Children] Yeah!
- We started this facility
in honor of one of
the world's all-time
tennis grades, Johnny Mac.
(magical music)
Again, if you've never
been here before,
please pay a visit to our
Johnny Mac tribute wall
where you'll find a wide array
of his original passion rackets.
- Uh, what's a passion racket?
- What's a passion?
It's a racket that
Johnny Mac sacrificed
for his passion for the game.
- Oh, you mean like
when he lost his sh*t?
- Ninja.
- Ninja? Why?
- Ninja course!
- For the rest of you,
let's line up and do a
return-and-serve drill.
Let's go!
- Move! (roars)
(energetic determined music)
- All right, let's
start with forehand.
- Crying out loud.
(Mac and Ro laugh)
- Next!
- Come on.
- Next!
(energetic determined
music continues)
(ball machine thunking)
(Dablonskis laughing)
- Ow!
- Yeah! Yeah! (laughs)
You've got to be kidding!
- Come on.
- No, it's the, the grip.
I can't get a good...
You realize if Johnny Mac
made an excuse for every
time he missed a shot,
he would never have
gone toe to toe
with some of the
greatest of all time.
- Toe to toe, huh?
Yeah. He knows a lot about toes.
- Excuse me?
- Joe, don't.
- Oh, your hero Johnny Mac,
he knows a lot about toes.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- I mean, toe fungus.
I mean, come on.
Who in their right mind
does a toe fungus commercial
with animated toes
playing tennis?
- Toejemina is a great product.
- Oh yeah. What's next?
You know, hemorrhoid
cream commercial
with like hemorrhoids running
around with tennis rackets?
Well, (laughs) I'd
love to see that.
- All right. That's
it, funny man.
You wanna endorse a
funeral home? Let's go.
(Joe grunting)
- Oh gosh, don't look.
Don't look. Don't look.
- Oh, that had to hurt. Come on!
- Say it! Say it!
Hey, morons, meet my
little friend. (cackles)
(Dablonskis laughing)
- Don't do that. Don't.
- Not the children!
- [John D.] You're
disrespecting the game.
- How dare you
disrespect Johnny Mac?
- Yeah?
- Oh-h*-h*-h*.
He won seven Grand Slams.
He beat Borg and Connors
and Lendl and Gerulaitis!
- Is that another
form of toe fungus?
- I'm gonna get ya!
I'm gonna get ya!
(jaunty music)
- [Toe Fungus] Me win!
- [Announcer] Remember, toe
fungus is nobody's fault.
Ask your doctor if
Toejemina is right for you.
(dramatic music)
- Mom, Dad.
- The crazy tennis
people are on TV.
- Area triplets,
tennis trainers,
and John McEnroe's biggest fans,
John, Mac, and Ro Dablonski
were placed under
observation today
after something in the
three offspring sprung
while giving lessons
at Goliath Mountain
Ski and Tennis Resort.
Video clearly shows
the Dablonskis
firing tennis ba*ls at attendees
with high-velocity
ball machines.
While no fault has yet been
assigned to the Dablonskis,
it appears there is no love lost
between them and their students.
Now, let's see what Susie's
serving up in the weather.
- So are we finished yet?
- Finished?
- With that stupid
Christmas letter.
So far, the kids have
seen Santa gut a deer.
We ruined New Year's Eve for
untold millions of people.
And today they witnessed a
family of nut-job tennis pros
with an unhealthy
obsession for John McEnroe
have a major psychotic
breakdown, in unison,
over his role in a
toe fungus commercial.
- Yeah, but I, I, I,
couldn't control that.
I mean-
- No, you can't.
So then why are you trying
to control our lives?
- What do you mean?
- Is any of this real?
Where's your Black
Diamond badge?
Are you gonna put photos
of the attack of the ball
machine in the letter?
- No. (laughs)
- No, exactly.
Because reality isn't
as pleasing as fantasy.
- But I mean, isn't it the
whole point is to show people,
I mean, how much fun
we've been having.
- We're not having fun.
- It hasn't been all
that bad, has it?
I mean, you've,
you've had some fun.
I mean, skiing and hanging
out with all the kids, I mean,
isn't that what it's all about?
I organized a, a special day
just for the two of us at a spa.
(gentle music)
- Really?
- Yeah.
We're gonna get carp pedicures.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Carp like as, fish carp?
- Yeah. (chuckles)
Yeah. So what you do is
you have a glass of wine
and you put your feet
in this little tub
and, and the carp come
and they eat all
your dead skin cells.
I mean, sounds kind of gross,
but you know, it's
doesn't hurt or anything.
It feels kind of tingly
and it's very therapeutic.
And you always complaining
about your heel thing.
So what do you think? It's
gonna be great, I think.
(distressing festive music)
(distressing festive
music continues)
Who knew the carp would
be so hungry, huh?
(keyboard clacking)
(keyboard continues clacking)
(boat horn blares)
- This is my kind of weather.
- Yeah. Ope.
(phone buzzing)
All right. Better get this.
- Michaels.
- Hello, Clive.
- Can you hear me, Joe?
- Yeah, I'm here.
- Yeah, sorry.
On the heli on the way to
Majorca for a boys' trip.
Sometimes I can't hear
over these damn rotors.
- Yeah, I have the same
problem with the rotor brakes.
- Well, we're excited for you
to join us for my birthday bash.
Still set to make the journey?
- Yeah, yeah, sure.
- Ah, fantastic.
Well, Bono's confirmed
and we might even get a visit
from our family friend Charles.
- Like King Charles?
- The last time I saw him,
he was up the other
end of my tennis court
doubled over after I'd beat
his royal a*s. (laughs)
So how's the job going?
Seen any profit shares
or stock options yet?
- Yeah, well I was laid off
just before Christmas, so.
- Oh. Bad luck, Michaels.
I hope that won't stop
you from visiting us
and I trust you've got
a generous severance
package there.
- Yeah, yeah. I, I did.
In fact, I'm just here at the
Port of Miami with the family.
We're just about to
get on a luxury cruise.
- Yeah, well anyway, Michaels,
we're about to take off,
so I better be on my way.
You enjoy that and avoid
those tourist traps.
- Yeah, will do.
And, and look out for
those helicopter blades
so they don't, you know, cut
off your head. (chuckles)
(helicopter buffeting)
(ship horn blares)
- [PA] Yeah, guess
the rest of you folks
are cruising with us down here.
All aboard for Bahama Mama.
You just have to climb down
here to the maintenance pier.
- (sighs) Bloody hell.
- [PA] It's gonna
be an adventure.
(keyboard clacking)
- Hey, John. John, wake up.
You know what day it is?
- It's day?
- Well, yeah, it's day.
But this is, we might get out
and be able to play
with Tiger Woods day.
- (groans) Do I have to go?
- "Do I have to go?"
You're gonna miss out
on the opportunity
to play with golf's
living legend,
the one and only Tiger Woods.
You wanna sleep
through that? Come on.
- Isn't he that guy who crashed
his car into a fire hydrant?
- Yeah, that was, I don't know.
- Didn't his wife smash
all of his windows
with one of his golf clubs?
- No, no, I think she was trying
to get him outta the car
or something like that.
- He was only going
five miles an hour.
- What is this, CSI?
Come on, get out of
bed. This will be fun.
We'll play golf, we'll
Have a good time. Come on.
- I hope she's not there.
- [John] (sighs)
Don't worry about it.
(gentle music)
This is supposed to be the
100 Acre Wood Country Club.
Where, where am I?
Oh.
Oh! my God, man, that stinks.
Um, excuse me, miss, miss.
Excuse me. I, I think
I'm, I'm a little lost.
I'm, I'm, I'm looking for
the 100 Acre Woods Golf Club.
- This is it. Or was it.
Now it's 10 Acre Woods.
- Oh, okay.
W- what? I don't understand.
What do you, what do you mean?
- A couple of years ago,
the owners discovered
there was natural
gas under the course
and sold it to Gas Co.
Now, they're fracking
the back nine.
Hey, hey, hey, and because
of the gas revenue,
get this, Gas Co. is kind enough
to give back to the community
and make it a public course.
- So this is it?
- It is now one of the most
challenging courses around.
- Oh my God.
- See that big tank over there?
- Mm-hmm.
- Filled with fracking fluid.
- What?
- Oh! And the ponds!
- They're on fire.
Why, why are they-
- Great use of
wastewater, right?
We have more water hazards here
than any other
course in the state.
(John coughs)
Course, uh, if your
ball drops in one,
it's best to ask for drop.
- Uh-huh.
- Did we get in a car accident?
- Uh, no, no, it's fine.
Shh. We're on a golf
course, I think.
Um, yeah, look.
My son, my son and
I, we, we booked in
a, a private lesson with
a golfing professional.
I hear he is a bit
of a golfing legend.
- Tigger Woods.
- Don't you mean Tiger
Woods, right? Tiger Woods.
Golfing legend, wears
the green jacket,
drives into fire hydrants.
Yeah, it is a typo
in the thing here,
but I know you mean
Tiger Woods, right?
- No, it's Tigger.
I get why you thought
it was a typo.
I mean, what are the odds
of a guy who plays golf
being called Tigger Woods?
- Yeah. What are the odds.
Right.
- Anyway, uh.
- Ow!
- People aren't usually
too happy when they
find out about that.
- No.
- But, uh,
Tigger enjoys all the attention.
He's a happy guy anyway.
- Okay, great.
- Yeah. Speak of the devil.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
(Tigger imitates
brakes squealing)
- Hey, I'm Tigger.
- Oh, hi.
- Hey.
- So you must be what,
Christopher Robin?
- Robinson, actually.
Oh, and, um, you
got a little poo.
- Yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Winnie the Pooh, Tigger,
Christopher Robin-son.
You guys are hilarious.
- I'm not really sure
what you're getting at,
but you're literally
standing in dog sh*t.
- Aw, crap.
(Tigger laughs)
Why is there so much
dog sh*t everywhere?
Dammit!
Oh man.
- All right, so,
should we begin?
- Begin what?
- You mind being a?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Thank you. He's gonna
go get him something.
- Sure.
- Chop chop.
- Woo-hoo! That was fun.
- Gimme this. Yeah.
You wanna make sure you
have one of these babies
when you're playing
10 Acre Woods.
If not, you'll be gasping
like a perch on the pier
by the third tee.
(Tigger and Christopher laugh)
- [John] Dad?
- [Joe] Yes, son.
- Is this what hell is like?
- Yeah, pretty much.
(keyboard clacking)
Ah, yes.
(mischievous music)
- Joe!
Whoa, whoa.
- Rich.
What are you doing
delivering packages this way?
- Running behind.
Hope you don't mind.
- No, why would I mind?
That's, that's fine.
Look, let me get that for you.
So how did the little procedure
go with your, you know?
- That snip snip thing?
- Yeah.
- Oh, well it was
fine for a while.
- For a while? What do you mean?
- Yeah, my wife
got pregnant again.
- Oh.
- I mean, (scoffs)
I guess it didn't take.
You know, go figure.
And it, it stinks too
because now I gotta
bring the handyman back
to put an addition on
the house, you know,
to accommodate the kid.
And the guy's costing
me an arm and a leg.
- Mm. Wow.
- He spent 12 weeks
on our bedroom redo.
- Whoa.
- It's, it's just ridiculous.
But, you know, I can't complain.
The guy's a, he's a craftsman.
- Hmm. Okay.
- No, my wife can't say
enough about his
skills with wood.
- Oh, okay.
Well look, I hate to take
the packages and run,
but I think I left something on.
Maybe it's the oven.
- Well, thank you
for keeping me busy.
- Yeah, yeah. No thanks.
Thanks, Rich.
- And thank you too, Deb.
- Yeah. Okay, okay.
Thanks, Rich.
- Yeah.
- All right. All right.
- See ya.
- See ya.
(aggressive music)
(aggressive music continues)
(aggressive music continues)
- (chuckles) Oh,
what do you think?
This is our year.
This is our time.
We're gonna go to Clive
Hammersmith's party
and we're gonna live
it up on his dime.
- I'm just having
second thoughts, it's-
- No, it's fine.
People go across the Atlantic
on private jets all the time.
Besides, it's gonna look
great in the Christmas letter.
(laughs) Woo-hoo.
Yeah, here we go.
- This is exactly what
I'm talking about.
- Is this all?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Do you need my ticket?
'Cause I bought it online
with the, the discount site.
It was a two-for-one
deal with a payment plan.
- Oh no, that's just fine.
I can, I can take that.
- Cool. Great.
Oh. Oh, ah.
Can I get a selfie
with everybody?
Yeah you can be in this. Yeah.
There we go.
Look at that jet. Look at that.
(laughs) Awesome.
All right, let's
do it. Here we go.
- Have a nice trip.
- Thank you.
(gentle hopeful music)
- This is nicer
than our bedroom.
- Oh, I wouldn't
go as far as that.
But it, it's pretty nice.
- This is molten hot!
Where do they heat
those, in the engines?
Get me another towel
that won't require plastic
surgery after I use it.
(farcical music)
- Here you are, sir.
- About time.
I want to open my pores.
Open. Get it?
This, this tepid rag ain't
going to cut it honey.
No thanks.
- Someone needs to
shut this guy up.
He's being a real jerk.
- It's a long flight.
I don't need an
international incident, okay?
- Okay. Okay. (chuckles)
Yeah.
- Um, we're offering
a light snack
of either chicken
or avocado sandwich.
- Oh, I will have the chicken.
- Yeah, make it two, thanks.
- [Maggie] Very good.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- I'll have the chicken too.
- I'm sorry sir,
but for some reason those
are the last two chicken.
- What!?
- Oh, you can have my
chicken sandwich if you like.
- Well give it to me then.
- Sure. Here.
(playful music)
(keyboard clacking)
- You're kidding, right?
- No, I mean those Icelandic
dudes were pretty cool.
- Well you're lucky.
Thank God those flight
attendants vouched for you.
Priscilla told them you
were a hero and Maggie said
you gave "that duffer a
right, good bollocking."
- Uh, yeah.
And look where it got us.
The trip was gonna be the icing
on the Christmas letter cake.
Our coup de gras,
or coop de grass, or
whatever you call it.
(phone ringing)
Oh, uh, do you want me-
- Go ahead.
- Okay. (exhales
sharply) Hi, Tony.
(playful music)
- Oh it's you.
I heard you grounded a
transatlantic flight.
Well, thanks for
putting my daughter
on the t*rror1st watch list.
Remind me never to
travel with you.
Probably end up getting
a cavity search.
- Yeah, probably.
But they still wouldn't
find your soul up there,
that's for sure.
- Put my daughter on the phone!
- Fine. Here's Krampus.
- Dad? Look, we're in
the middle of something.
Can I call you back? Okay.
You ever think that
what actually might make
your letter special,
the thing that will
truly make it stand out,
might not be about what
you've done for yourself,
but maybe about what
you've done for others.
It's the Christmas season, Joe.
What about doing something
that's not about
building up your own ego?
- Building. Building, yeah.
That's a great idea.
Why don't we build one of
those Homes for Humans?
- Now, that's a great idea.
- Yeah. 'Cause that's
what this letter needs.
It needs some heart.
- Yeah.
- The Hammersmith letter
has no heart at all.
- Well, no, but-
- Yeah. No, no.
- It's gonna be great.
So not only do we do cool
things for ourselves.
(chuckles) "Look at us." Yeah.
But we also do cool
things for others.
Yeah, I can see it now, the
before and after photos.
- Wait-
- There's us and we're,
"Oh, the Michaels are coming!"
And we're gonna build this house
for these poor people
and these homeless people
and they come in there
and they're all happy
and everyone's gonna
go "Look at this."
Oh my. (chuckles) Oh,
this is brilliant.
Deb, you might have just
saved the Christmas letter.
(Joe laughs)
(gentle music)
(laughs) Yes.
Hi. We're here to
help build a house.
- Great. Martin Kennedy.
Can I get your last name?
- Uh, we're the Michaels.
- I'm sorry, Mr. Michaels,
I don't see your names
on the volunteer list.
- We're kind of being
a little spontaneous
and, you know, we
kind of got caught up
in the whole materialism
of everything
and I thought, you know,
I wanted to show the kids
what it's really all
about, giving back,
and what a better thing to do
and then help build a house.
- It's mighty nice
of you, Mr. Michaels.
And I would sure hate to ruin
such a wonderful
lesson for the kids.
- Oh, I appreciate that, Martin.
Can I call you Martin?
- Sure thing.
Uh?
- Joe.
- Joe.
(both chuckle)
- Well is there
anything we could do?
Can you help us out?
- Yeah. Mr. Michaels,
you and the-
- Oh, call me Deb.
- Deb.
You and the kids can help out
over there with landscaping.
And Joe, I could
sure use some help
with some light plumbing.
- Great.
- I'm short a plumber,
our deadline's only
three days away.
You know how to
sweat a copper pipe?
- Uh, well, I know how to sweat.
So that's a start, right?
- Okay, well let me get you
set up over here and then-
- Wait, wait, wait.
Let me, uh, can I get a selfie,
just you and all of us
in front of the house?
- Okay, sure.
- Uh, say "cheese."
(shutter clicking)
- Okay, formalities outta the
way. Now we can get to work.
- Great. Thanks again Martin.
- So much.
- Very well.
This is gonna be the bathroom.
Here's your torch.
Just press-
(glass shatters)
Oh, I better check that out.
- Sure.
Be right back.
- Okay. Okay.
(playful music)
Okay. (exhales sharply)
(shutter clicks)
(torch whooshing)
Oh!
(fire engine siren blaring)
Martin, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
I was only trying to help.
It was an accident.
I, I, didn't mean to
burn down the house.
Wait.
- What's up, Joe?
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, we were tweaking my
house, but, but then, you know.
- Well this is your house?
I burnt down your house?
- No, Joe. It's all
right. It's just a house.
It's gonna get rebuilt.
- I- I...
- Hey, everything
works out. Remember?
It's all good, man.
Take care buddy.
- I don't know what to say.
I'm, I'm, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
(disappointed music)
(gentle music)
- Grandma! Grandpa!
- Oh! Hello!
How are you doing?
- Hi, pie.
- Oh, mom!
- Oh, look at you.
- You didn't need to
do that. Come on in.
Come on in.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- Missed you guys!
- Gosh.
- Muah!
- It's good to see you.
- [Grandma] How
tall are you now?
(subdued music)
(subdued music continues)
- I know Joe's lay off has
been hard on you, honey,
but you know, if you need
anything you call us.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Need anything? She's
got everything. (coughs)
No offense little baby girl.
But you gotta lay off
those shopping channels.
You know what QVC really means?
Quickly-vanishing cash. (laughs)
- Aw. Don't oh.
(all exclaim)
Speaking of vanishing cash.
What's this crap I hear about
you cashing out your 401k?
- I never said a word to him.
Mom!
- I'm sorry.
I just couldn't hold it in.
It just seems so crazy.
- Because it is crazy.
Who in their right mind blows
their retirement savings
just to live out their fantasies
to try and impress others?
Hm?
- Fantasies?
Tony, you're the one who wanted
to become a professional
baseball player
so you dipped into your savings
to pay for that
professional baseball camp.
Then you had to go
back to your savings
to pay for that lawyer
to get you outta
that Nolan Ryan case
that you were involved with.
- That's son of b*tch
brushed me back.
- Well, you didn't have to
charge the mound, did you?
- Stop it.
Stop it.
I'm sorry. Honey, I just
needed to talk to someone.
You were so hell bent on
this big plan of yours
and I was worried
about our finances.
I needed to vent. That's all.
- Excuse me.
(no audio)
(button clicks)
(trash bin rustles)
(water sloshing)
(bell dings)
- Mommy! Cookies are ready!
(Deb laughs)
Okay, hold on.
Hold on it's hot. Be careful.
- [John] Dad, mail's here.
- [John] Bring it on up.
- [John] Our first
Christmas card.
- Thanks, buddy.
(letters rustling)
(stressful music)
- [Clive] Greetings
from the Hammersmiths.
I hope you're well
and in good spirit.
As Christmas approaches,
you know I like to take time out
to reflect on all the
wonderful times my family
and I had the past year.
The highlight being
my big birthday bash.
(subdued music)
- Joe.
Joe!
(determined music)
Joe, you can't do this, no.
(Deb knocking)
Joe.
Joe, this is fiction
and you know it!
Joe!
Joe, please.
You can't send this, Joe.
(door rattles softly)
- Deb, open the door.
I just wanna go to bed.
Thank you. (grunts)
Come on.
Fine. I'll sleep
downstairs on the couch.
Then I can keep an eye out to
see if any packages arrive.
Oh! Really?
(gentle music)
(gentle music continues)
Silent night
Holy night
All is calm
All is bright
Sleep in
Heavenly peace
(birds chirping)
- So? Got it out of your system?
(gentle music)
- Oh yeah.
Well, almost.
Just as soon as I drop the
letter off at the post office.
- And that's it?
- Look, I know you're thinking
I'm being obsessed with
this Hammersmith letter,
but, I mean, what kind
of an example do I set
for you and the kids after
everything I've put you through.
- Uh, that you're not an idiot.
Look, you came up with this
idea, hair-brained idea,
because you lost your job.
I got that.
And I wanted to support you.
You wanted to do things
as a family and I agreed.
But the next thing I know,
we are doing things
no one wants to do.
We are trying to
shoehorn some form
of manufactured
happiness into our lives
while overlooking the real
happiness we already have.
And for what?
So you could prove something
that never needed proving?
Somehow this whole
living well idea
has morphed into a living hell.
- Yeah. but living well-
- Is the best revenge.
Yes. Great.
Revenge on everyone
and everything that
ever wronged you.
Go ahead, show them who
the bigger person is, Joe.
Prove to them you're
nothing like them.
Mm-hmm. G'ahead, send it.
- Yeah, I will. I will send it.
- You can't edit
reality like this Joe.
And if you send that letter,
you are no better than
Clive Hammersmith.
- Yeah.
You know, the one thing
I learned in advertising
is perception is reality.
With this letter,
I will be better than
Clive Hammersmith.
We, the Michaels, will be
better than the Hammersmiths.
- You send that letter, there
might not be a we anymore.
(subdued music)
(impactful music)
(impactful music continues)
(impactful music continues)
(water sloshing)
(gentle music)
(gentle music continues)
(water sloshes)
(brakes squeak)
(gentle music continues)
- You got it.
Hey, boss. How we doing tonight?
- Good.
- What can I get you?
- Can I just get
a, uh, craft beer?
- The closest thing we
got is a Utica Club.
- Okay. Utica Club sounds good.
Thanks. Hey.
- There we are.
- Thanks.
- Tough night?
- Tough year.
- Tell me about it. You
know, I got a story for you.
The past six months, I'm
fighting the health department
because they find one rat
and it's like they opened up
a federal case against me.
It's, it's... (laughs)
You know what? Rats, they
love those, beer nuts.
Go figure.
So you're not out shopping
with all the other
morons tonight?
- Uh, yeah, I was thinking
of getting something
for my wife.
- Wife. Yeah!
- Wives.
What are you gonna get
your wife for Christmas?
- Uh, I'm not sure. She's not
really in a Christmas mood.
Do you ever get one of
those Christmas letters?
- Like a, like a Christmas card?
- No, it's a, it's
a Christmas letter.
It kind of opens
up like a novel.
These pictures of families
doing all these amazing things.
You know, jet skiing,
yachting, travel,
amazing life, you know,
all that kind of stuff.
- Every year I get this
letter from this guy
that I went to high
school with, right.
This jack hole.
The guy gets a patent for
anti-skid mark underwear, right?
The prince of skid marks.
I refuse to wear 'em.
- They don't work.
- They don't work.
Anyway, this guy, he
writes this letter
and he puts in this,
this, this picture
of his million-dollar
mansion, his fancy cars,
where he sends his
kids all over the...
You know where he send my kids?
To the end of the driveway
to take out the trash.
You know? Yeah.
- Don't you wish
you had his life?
- Nah.
Listen, I may not have
my, my name on a building
and my face on a stamp.
Heck, I don't even know
my own house. I rent.
But you know what? It's my life.
What's wrong with my life?
You know, what's
wrong with your life?
- Yeah.
What's wrong with my life?
That's a good point.
Yeah.
Thanks, uh, for
the conversation.
- Well, hey, where
you going buddy?
You got your beer?
You didn't tell me
what you're buying your
wife for Christmas.
- I'll send you a copy.
Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, pal.
(lighthearted festive music)
It's a wonder land outside
So lets dance in
the street light
Underneath the evergreens
In Central Park
you look at me
It's a magic kind of scene
It's Christmas in New York
It's Christmas in New York
The empire state
goes green and red
Rockefeller's tree
can't be compared
It's a beautiful
sight to see
But what matters most
Is in front of me
My love for you
My love for you
Will always be
Will always be
The very greatest
The very greatest
Gift to me
Gift to me
There's nowhere
There's nowhere
I'd rather be
I'd rather be
Than here with you
Than here with me
At Christmas time
At Christmas time
In New York
In New York
(lighthearted
festive music fades)
- Are you and dad gonna
talk to each other again?
- I don't know, honey.
- Can Santa fix it?
- Honey.
- I know what.
I'm gonna ask Santa if
I can trade my presents.
- What for?
- You and daddy to laugh again.
- I wanna trade my presents too.
- Oh.
(phone ringing)
- Hi, Catherine. Merry
Christmas to you too.
What?
Wonderful?
(bright music)
Are you sure it's our letter?
Okay. (chuckles)
Uh, I'll tell him.
We love you too.
Merry Christmas.
- Is everything okay?
- She wanted to wish
us a merry Christmas.
Hmm.
(phone ringing)
Hi, Uncle Harold.
Wait, I don't
understand because...
Aunt Martha cried
when she read it?
Yeah, well I cried when
Joe sent it, but...
Okay, I'll, I'll give him a hug.
You bet. Merry Christmas.
- Mail's here. I'll get it.
(phone ringing)
- Oh.
Would you get that, John?
- [Caroline] Mama
more Christmas cards.
- It's Grandpa.
- Oh, tell him
I'll call him back.
(tender music)
(tender music continues)
- Dear family and friends,
this is my first ever attempt
at a Christmas letter.
Strike that. My second.
My first is in a dumpster.
Let's just say it wasn't written
in the true spirit of Christmas.
So you can think a Utica Club
and a very caring bartender
with a rat problem
from saving you from a fate
worse than Black Friday shopping
and saving you from
a horrendous narcissistic
Christmas letter filled
with nothing but
overblown boasts.
No, the following
is all too real.
Boring but real.
We didn't escape to any
remote sun-drenched islands,
attend the posh parties
or rub elbows with
the heads of state.
Our kids didn't shatter
records in sports or academics,
but they, you know,
they did us proud
by just doing their best.
None of us won any awards,
but Caroline did make me
the Greatest Dad
Award on Father's Day.
No weight was lost.
We may have even gained some.
We didn't make a
k*lling on stocks
or join any exclusive clubs,
but we did laugh a lot, though,
and talked with each
other almost every day.
None of us were ill or injured
and no one in our
respective families died.
We still have a
roof over our heads
and, uh, boundless optimism
for a better future.
This in spite of my job loss,
which happened a year ago.
And you know, really
was a blessing.
There could be nothing worse
than spending your entire
life hating what you do.
And I won't lie,
I, I hated my job.
The fact is, there's only one
job I've ever really loved.
That of being a good
husband, father, and friend.
Of all there is to see
and do in this
busy world of ours,
there is nothing more wonderful
than simply being alive
to share the
unending, undying love
of family and friends.
As my mom and dad
always used to say,
"We may not have much,
but we have everything."
Thanks for being part of
our everything this year.
Be of good cheer, and
merry Christmas to you all.
Love Joe, Deb,
John, and Caroline.
Looks like somebody opened
her Christmas present early.
- What is all this?
- Well, you know how you
like to order lots of things
and this is the one
way I can ensure
you get 'em all in one piece.
And besides Rich wanted
and some time off.
He's on paternity leave again.
(Deb chuckles)
(tender music continues)
(Clive sniffles)
(soft playful music)
- Bloody hell.
Well done, Michaels.
(soft playful music continues)
A one, two, a
one, two, three
My life with you
is so much better
Than what I could write
in a Christmas letter
Sunny vacations by the sea
Powder blue waves and a
pineapple breeze sound fine
If you like
Paris romance
and diamond rings
Fancy red wine near the
fire and things sound nice
For the price
You give me way more
than words can say
More than every gift
in Santa's sleigh
My life with you
so much better
Than what I could write
in a Christmas letter
Oh, yeah, yeah
Whoa, oh, oh, yeah
Skiing down snow-white
wonder lands
Will never compare to
holding your hands in mine
Oh, baby, you shine
Shine
Brighter than the
Northern Lights
Green auroras burning
inside of your eyes
They light my fire
Let's throw aside
That glass-half-empty life
I wanna hear you say
I wanna hear you say
My life with you
so much better
Than what I could write
in a Christmas letter
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
La, la, la, la
La, la, la, la
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
La, la, la, la
La, la, la, la
La, la, la, la
La, la, la, la
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
Life with you so much better
Than what I could write
In a Christmas
Life with you so much better
Life with you so much better
Life with you so much better
Than what I could write
in a Christmas letter
Oh, yeah, yeah
Whoa, oh, oh, yeah
(no audio)
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Christmas Letter, The (2024)
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