01x07 - George Burns in the Big Time

[bunniefuu]

-[SINGING]Augustus J. McCann--

-You expected a
spectacular, huh?

-[SINGING] --was
hen-pecked married man.

-The spectacular comes later.

-[SINGING]He has
been fighting with

his wife since
married life began.

-Look, if I wasn't allowed
to sing I wouldn't be here.

-[SINGING]One night
at half-past three--

-I've got thousands
of these songs.

-[SINGING]--while
out upon a spree--

-Wait 'til you hear
them time the leave

so they won't fall down.

-[SINGING]--up and down and
out and nearly broke his knee.

One guy looked down and said,
I think this bloke is dead.

But one he said,
let's take him home.

McCann jumped up.

Instead he hollered,
don't take me home.

Oh-h-h please
don't take me home.

Oh, tell me what
did I do to you?

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Have a little pity.

I'm a poor, married man.

In search of peace I roam.

I'm with you most anything you
do so please don't take me.

I'm not going.

You can't make me.

Yes, I'm staying.

Oh, please, please,
don't take me home.

[APPLAUSE]

EMCEE: Mercury Startime,
TV's finest hour,

proudly presents George
Burns in "The Big Time."

EMCEE: Starring Jack Benny.

[APPLAUSE]

EMCEE: Eddie Cantor.

[APPLAUSE]

EMCEE: George Jessel.

[APPLAUSE]

EMCEE: Bobby Darin.

[APPLAUSE]

EMCEE: Next, the added
attraction, The Kingston Trio.

[APPLAUSE]

EMCEE: Jeff Alexander
and his orchestra.

[APPLAUSE]

EMCEE: And the
beautiful Burns Girls.

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC - JEFF
ALEXANDER ORCHESTRA,

"GIVE MY REGARDS TO BROADWAY"]

[APPLAUSE]

EMCEE: And here he is, the
star of our show, George Burns!

[APPLAUSE]

-You know-- You know that
song I opened the show with,

"Don't Take Me Home,"
is 55 years old

and I've been singing
it all that time.

It's bound to be a hit.

[LAUGHTER]

-I love to sing.

I'd rather sing than eat.

Very often I had to
make that choice.

[LAUGHTER]

-I don't know what's so
unusual about liking to sing.

It seems every time I mention
it somebody starts to laugh.

Come to think of
it, they don't start

to laugh until I start to sing.

[LAUGHTER]

-I won't say I'm the
world's greatest.

There are plenty of
fellows better than I am.

There's Sinatra.

There's Como.

That's about it.

[LAUGHTER]

-I can't help it.

It's something
that's deep inside

of me that just has to come out.

My friends know the way
I feel because they all

say, a bad something
like that inside of them,

they'd want it out, too.

[APPLAUSE]

-I've been singing all my life.

I started when I
was eight years old.

I sang with three kids,
The Pee-Wee Quartet.

There was me, Mortsy and Heshy
Weinberger Mortsy was seven

and Heshy was six.

And then there was one
kid, Toda Mitchell.

He was five years old.

He sang bass.

And he handled the
business for the act.

Oh, we let him do that because
it worked out so well for us.

You see when Toda divided up
the coins that the people threw

at us, being a baby
he kept the big ones--

[LAUGHTER]

---the nickels and the
pennies and gave us the dimes.

[LAUGHTER]

-This was great until one day
somebody threw us a quarter.

[APPLAUSE]

-We had to explain the
facts of life to him.

[LAUGHTER] When Toda
was six, his mother

made him quit show
business and go to school,

and we had to change
the name of our act.

And, uh, there was a
store on the eastside

called Applebaum Suits for Boys.

[LAUGHTER]

-We went in to see
Mister Applebaum.

We told him that if he'd
give us a suit for free,

each one of us, we would call
ourselves the Applebaum Trio.

[LAUGHTER]

-Applebaum said, let
me hear you boys sing.

He heard us and
after he heard us,

he said, um, I'll
give you each a suit

if you don't use my name.

[LAUGHTER]

-And, and, and, and the funny--
the funny thing is I could--

I needed that suit.

I came from a very big family.

There were-- there were twelve
of us children, uh, seven

sisters and five brothers
and we were very close.

We had to be; we
lived in three rooms.

[LAUGHTER]

-We weren't the poorest
people on the block.

There were people
that were poorer,

but they hadn't
come to America yet.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

-In fact, everybody
on the block was poor,

except one family,
Ruthie Riley's family.

You know that they were so
rich that in-- on hot nights

her father used to sleep on the
fire escape in Chinese pajamas.

[LAUGHTER]

-You should have seen the 12 of
us sleeping on a fire escape.

Looked like an open trolley
car during rush hour.

[LAUGHTER]

-And, and, and, and
my father-- my father

had very little time for us.

He worked day and night
trying to make a few dollars.

All he thought about was
the garment business.

Somebody asked him how
many children he had,

he used to say, seven skirts
and five pairs of pants.

[LAUGHTER]

-Never forget when I was seven
years old, put me on his lap

and he said, son, it's time we
got to know each other better.

What's your name?

[LAUGHTER]

-But my mother was very sharp.

You couldn't put
anything over on her.

When I was 16, I did and
act with two other fellows

called Goldie, Fields and Glide.

My name was Glide.

[LAUGHTER] And we
couldn't get a job,

but we had a deal with
an umbrella store.

Every time it rained, we would
take a bunch of umbrellas

and we'd stand in
front of theaters

and sell them for $1 a piece.

And we used to get $0.50
for every umbrella we sold.

I came home with $5 and I
said to my mother-- I said,

made it to show business.

[LAUGHTER]

-One week the trio was a riot.

It rained for seven days.

[LAUGHTER]

-I walked into the house
with $35, put it on the table

and says, Momma, show
business couldn't be better.

She says, I know.

You even sold our umbrella.

[LAUGHTER]

-Yeah, the one thing about--
Oh, my, in those days,

in those days, I tried to
have a very good personality.

I was working on my personality.

So when I'd ride home at night
in the subway, I'd sit there

and smile at the people.

[LAUGHTER]

-After the first stop, I
had the car all to myself.

[LAUGHTER]

-The trio stayed
together for six years

and we finally got
into the money.

Umbrellas went up to $2.

[LAUGHTER]

-And now I'd like to introduce
two gentlemen who really played

the big-time and
they're the greatest.

I'm very happy to
have them on the show.

They're going to do
part of their act

that they did at The
Palace at the time

they broke the record they had.

My two very dear friends, Eddie
Cantor and Georgie Jessel.

[APPLAUSE]

-[SINGING]Pals, pals,
we'll always be pals.

-[SINGING]What you
do is OK with me.

-[SINGING]Pals, pals,
just regular pals.

-[SINGING]What you
do suits me to a T.

-[SINGING]I haven't a brother.

-[SINGING]I haven't a son.

-[SINGING]But you've
been more than a brother.

-[SINGING]You're
just like a son.

-[SINGING]And we'll sing
'til our days are done

that we'll be pals, pals, pals.

[APPLAUSE]

-Eddie?

All through our act,
you've done nothing

but talk about Ida and your
daughters and your family.

-Yeah.

-Now I know that's
nice, but Eddie this

isn't something that
you invented you know.

-No.

-Other people have families
and daughters, too.

-Yeah.

-You've got no
patent on this thing.

[LAUGHTER]

-I guess you're right, Georgie.

Now that I have mentioned my
family, do me a favor Georgie.

-What is that?

-Please don't sing about
your mother's eyes.

He's just so worried
about her eyes,

take her once to an optician,
get her a pair of glasses.

[LAUGHTER]

-And stop with
that terrible song.

Flat yet

-Now, hear.

Don't you say that to me.

I think it's about time that
we stop kidding each other.

The audience knows,
everybody knows

how fond we are of each other,
particularly me for you.

You've been my idol,
since I was a little boy.

Not only have you
been an inspiration,

[LAUGHTER]

-Not only have you
been an inspiration

to me but to all, a lot
of other younger fellows.

[LAUGHTER]

-Younger fellows?

[LAUGHTER]

-Look, boy, nobody has been
happier with your success

than I. I can recall the night
I saw you in your dramatic show

"The Jazz Singer" on Broadway.

What a performance.

When the curtain fell and
the audience cheered you,

Georgie, I sat in
my seat and I cried.

I really cried.

-You did, Eddie?

-Yes.

I was in tears.

I cried to think that such a
untalented guy like you had

such a great part
and I was sitting

in the audience unemployed.

[LAUGHTER]

-Now you don't mean
that, because as I

say we've been friends
for a long time.

Do you remember the
year that we met?

-No, Georgie, I think
you have a better memory.

What, uh--

-Well I'll tell you
exactly, it was the year


new Brighton Theater

near Coney Island in New York.

-Oh, gosh, figure that's
been-- that's been a long time.

-Yes it has.

-And that's why I
hate to bring this up

when our act is almost over.

But do you or do
you not owe me $200?

[LAUGHTER]

-I do.

-Do you or do you not
intend to give me the $200?

-I don't.

[LAUGHTER]

-You ask an honest question,
you get a dishonest answer.

[LAUGHTER]

-Eddie, you have
no right to con me

for money in front
of an audience.

Besides, don't you
trust me for $200?

-You want the truth?

-Yes.

-The truth?

No.

[LAUGHTER]

-Because I've always looked
upon you as a true friend.

-George, do me a favor.

Make me an enemy and
give me the few dollars.

-Listen, I think you're serious.

You actually need this money?

-Yes, Georgie.

And here is why-- here is why

[LAUGHTER]

-Well, I'm deeply touched.

And here is why I can't pay you.

[LAUGHTER]

-But I tell you what I'll do.

I'll write you out a check
for the whole business

and we'll forget about it.

-George, don't bother.

The last time you gave
me a check it came

back marked insufficient funds.

-Insufficient funds? $200,
insuffi-- what bank was it?

-The First National.

-That's crazy.

A big bank like that,
they haven't got $200?

[LAUGHTER]

-They've got it.

You haven't got it.

You've got nothing.

-All right, then get
the money from them.

-Yeah, but they don't
owe me the money.

[LAUGHTER]

-You don't know
what you're doing.

-Yeah-- What do you mean?

-You are lending money
to the wrong people, see?

[LAUGHTER]

-[SINGING]And we'll sing
'til our days are done

that we'll be pals, pals, pals.

[APPLAUSE]

-Aren't they great?

And if you want to
see a great car,

here's the new 1960 Mercury.

-Well, Cantor and Jessel were
breaking records at The Palace

but I was still struggling.

I was doing an act with
a fellow, Jimmy Cook.

The name of the act
was Cook and Harris.

My name was Harris.

[LAUGHTER]

-I had a different
name every week.

I could never get a job
with the same name twice.

[LAUGHTER] We did a singing act.

Jimmy Cook had a fair voice
but he was a great yodeler

and he'd sing a song
by himself in the act.

Before he'd hit the last
eight bars, he would yodel.

-[SINGING]Go to sleep my
baby, my baby, my baby who--

-And he would fool
around with the top note

and stay up there
and make it pretty.

And the yodel was a riot.

And no matter what
song he'd sing,

he'd always put in the yodel
whether it would fit or not.

We played The Follies at
Folly Theater in Brooklyn.

And he was singing
a w*r song, "I

Didn't Raise My Boy
to Be a Soldier."

And before he got to
the last eight bars,

he put in "Go To
Sleep, My Baby."

And as he got to the yodel,
the lights would go our

and this white
spotlight would stay on.

The spotlight would get
smaller and smaller and smaller

and smaller, and as he
would hit the top note

the spotlight would
just cover his face.

Well, at the Folly Theater
as he hit the top note,

a fist came into the spotlight
and hit him in the nose.

[LAUGHTER]

-From then on, we worked
with full lights up.

[LAUGHTER]

-Jimmy wasn't hurt much.

I just did his
breathing for two weeks.

[LAUGHTER]

-Now I'd like to introduce
three young fellows who

were a sensation overnight,
The Kingston Trio.

They, uh, they opened
at The Hungry Eye

in a little cafe
in San Francisco,

sang "Tom Dooley"
and an hour later

they were making $100,000.

[LAUGHTER] In my day, I'd have
to hang "Tom Dooley" for about


umbrellas, before they'd even

book me for three
days in Altoona.

[LAUGHTER]

-Well anyway, here they are.

Everybody likes them.

The kids like them, I
like them, and you better.

They cost me $100,000.

[LAUGHTER]

-Ladies and gentlemen,
it's my pleasure.

The Kingston Trio.

[MUSIC - KINGSTON TRIO "HARD
AIN'T IT"]

-[SINGING]Oh, it's hard,
ain't it hard, ain't it hard,

oh yeah, to love one
that never did love you?

Oh, it's hard, ain't it hard,
ain't it hard, great God,

to love one that
never will be true.

-[SINGING]Right on.

-[SINGING]Well, there is
a house in this old town.

-Yes.

-[SINGING]That's where my
true love hangs around.

[INAUDIBLE]

-[SINGING]She sits down
upon another's knee.

-[SINGING]Whoopee!

-[SINGING]And tells him
what she never will tell me.

-[SINGING]Oh, it's hard,
ain't it hard, ain't it hard

-[SINGING]Oh, yeah.

-[SINGING]To love one
that never did love you.

Oh, it's hard, ain't it hard,
ain't it hard, great God,

to love one that
never will be true.

-Where'd you learn it?

-Julliard.

[LAUGHTER]

-[SINGING]Oh, well don't
go drinking and gambling.

-Why not?

-[SINGING]Don't go there
your sorrows for to drown.

Oh, well that hard-liquor
place is a low-down disgrace.

It's the meanest darn
place in this town.

Oh, it's hard, ain't
it hard, ain't it hard

-[SINGING]Ah-ha!

-[SINGING]To love one
who never did love you.

Oh, it's hard, ain't it hard,
ain't it hard, great God,

to love one who
never will be true.

[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]What can I do?

They drive a very hard bargain.

[LAUGHTER]

-Boys, I can't tell you how
much I enjoyed your work.

-Thank you.

-Love the way you sing.

You know, I used to sing
with the PeeWee Quartet.

Let's-- let's sing a
little harmony, yeah?

We'll see if you
fellows know something.

-[SINGING]For she could carry
a g*n good as any mother's son

-One note.

-[SINGING]For she could carry
a g*n good as any mother's son.

-Pick one note.

-[SINGING]For she could carry
a g*n good as any mother's son.

-[SINGING]For she could carry
a g*n good as any mother's son.

-[SINGING]For she could carry
a g*n good as any mother's son

-[SINGING]For she could carry
a g*n good as any mother's son.

-Good, now I want to get up.

-[SINGING]For she
could carry a g*n--

-Hold it, hold it, hold it.

[LAUGHTER] It's one note.

-[SINGING]For she could carry
a g*n good as any mother's son

-[SINGING]For she could carry
a g*n good as any mother's son.

-[SINGING]--g*n, a son

-[SINGING]She could carry a
g*n good as any mother's son.

-All right, all together.

-[SINGING]For she
could carry a g*n--

-Hold it, hold it.

[LAUGHTER]

-It's one note.

-[SINGING]For she could carry
a g*n good as any mother's son.

-Let me hear that.

-[SINGING]For she could carry
a g*n good as any mother's son.

-Once more.

-[SINGING]For she could carry
a g*n good as any mother's son.

[LAUGHTER]

-[SINGING]Carry a g*n

-[SINGING]Carry a g*n good as--

-OK, all together.

-[SINGING]For she
could carry a g*n--

-Hold it, hold it.

Let's break it up.

[LAUGHTER]

-$100,000.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC - KINGSTON TRIO, "MOLLY
DEE"]

-[SINGING]Here we
go 'round again,

singing a song about Molly Dee.

Far away, I know not where.

She's the girl who waits for me.

-[SINGING]I've got a gal in
Tennessee she's the sweetest

little gal that
you ever did see.

Makes her living
in a cotton mill.

Drinks her gin from
the bathtub still.

-[SINGING]Hey!

Here we go, 'round again,
singing a song about Molly Dee.

Far away, I know not where.

She's the girl who waits for me.

-[SINGING]I got a
gal in Memphis town.

Pretty little thing
named Sally Brown.

Travels around on a riverboat.

Shares her room
with a billy goat.

Yeah!

-[SINGING]Here we
go, 'round again,

singing a song about Molly Dee.

Far away, I know not where.

She's the girl who waits for me.

-[SINGING]Spending my
money gonna throw it away.

I'll start saving
on another day.

Spending my time in the
silver dollar, pinching them

gals just to hear 'em holler.

-[SINGING]Here we
go, 'round again,

singing a song about Molly Dee.

Far away, I know not where.

She's the girl who waits for me.

Here we go, 'round again,
singing a song about Molly Dee.

Far away, I know not where.

She's the girl who waits for me.

She's the girl who waits for me.

[APPLAUSE]

-And, uh, and now I'd like
to introduce my dearest

and closest friend,
Jack Benny, and you're

going to see something that
really happened in Jack's life.

When Jack first
started in vaudeville,

he used to stand on the stage
with a violin in one hand,

and a bow in the
other, not because he

was a great musician,
because he didn't

know what to do with his hands.

And, uh, now you're
going to see him

as he appeared for the first
time without his violin.

It was at the Poli Theater
in Wilksburg, Pennsylvania.

I was sitting in the audience.

He was pathetic.

[LAUGHTER]

-He was in agony.

I never felt so sorry
for a man in my life.

He just didn't know what
to do with his hands.

You'll see.

Jack Benny.

[APPLAUSE]

Uh, good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

I'm very, very happy
to be back here

at Poli's Theater in Wilksburg.

You know I, um, I like to play
Wilksburgs, the only place I

know where the, um, minors
are allowed into the theater

without their parents.

Miners.

[LAUGHTER]

-Coal miners.

[LAUGHTER]

-Well, anyway, I guess I
have, I have to tell you,

I have to tell you about
a girl that I go with,

and her name is, is,
is Mary Livingston.

[LAUGHTER]

-You see.

And, uh, I took her out
last, uh, last Sunday

and I, I, uh-- the
most marvelous--

we had the most marvelous
time at the Penny Arcade,

you see, where there was a,
there was a lung tester there.

And it's one of
those, uh, machines,

you know, that test your,
test your lung power,

they do, and you blow into
it and it goes way, way up

to 1,000 and then you
get your nickel back.

Now that's kind of fair, so
I started to blow and blow

and blow and finally and finally
Mary, Mary said, nothing--

[LAUGHTER]

-Mary said, nothing,
uh, will happen Jack,

you see, unless you,
you put a nickel back.

So I put a, a nickel
and I blew and blew

and I blew and I finally got
it all the way up, you see,

to seven.

[LAUGHTER]

-See.

And then, and then it
wouldn't budge, you know.

So-- so I said--

[LAUGHTER]

-So I said, look Mary,
don't just, don't just--

[LAUGHTER]

-I said, Mary don't just, uh,
don't just stand there, uh, uh,

don't just stand there.

[LAUGHTER]

-I said, help me, you see.

So she helped, and well
we, we had it way up

to 980 when suddenly a
guard, you see what I mean,

a guard came over and he said,
uh, he said, oh, he said,

wait a minute.

Only one person at a time is
allowed to use the mouthpiece.

I said, show me.

[LAUGHTER] Go ahead
and, and show me.

So-- i- i- i-

[LAUGHTER]

-Show me where it's
written anywhere, anyplace

in this Penny Arcade where
only one, one person at a time

can blow into the mouthpiece.

What are you gonna do about it?

That's what I said to him,
what are you gon- so what could

he do?

I had him.

[LAUGHTER]

-And so he blew into it
and the nickel came back.

[LAUGHTER]

-About this time I was
so good and angry so I

said, come on,
Mary, let's go home.

So she said, OK,
let's take a taxi.

A taxi?

But Mary, you live
all the way in Newark.

[LAUGHTER]

-Newark is this way, I think.

Newark.

[LAUGHTER]

-So, we took a taxi
from Brooklyn--

I said a taxi from Brooklyn
will cost, will cost $0.80.

And she says, I don't care.

It's all your fault.

I did, I did my walking
here but now I'm

all pooped out getting
your nickel back, you see.

My nickel, I said.

I said it was your nickel.

[LAUGHTER]

-[INAUDIBLE]

-And don't you know, by the
time we had finished arguing

I had walked her
all the way home.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

-What a nice man.

You know, it wasn't for his
wife, he'd be a big star today.

[LAUGHTER]

-And the next
introduction, I'm kind of

happy about, Bobby Darin.

I'd like to take a little
bow here because I predicted

a year ago that this boy
would go through the roof,

and he has.

He's only 23, signed a
contract with Paramount.

He's making a lot
of hit records,

and he's playing some of
the finest nightclubs.

And there's a reason for it.

He's got a very exciting style.

I hate to admit
this-- in a few years

he might even sing
as good as me.

[LAUGHTER]

-Well, anyway, here he is, a
real nice boy, Bobby Darin.

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC - BOBBY DARIN,
"CLEMENTINE"]

-[SINGING]In a cavern down by a
canyon, excavatin' for a mine,

lived a miner from
North Carolina

and his daughter
sweet Clementine.

Now every mornin'
just about dawnin'

when the sun began
to shine, well she

would rouse up wake
all the cows up

and walk them down
to her daddy's mine.

I took the footbridge way 'cross
the water though she weighed


trembled and disassembled.

Oops!

Dumped her in the foamy brine.

Crack like thunder she
went under blowin' bubbles

[BUBBLE SOUNDS]

-[SINGING]--down the line.

I'm no swimm'a but
were she slimm'a, I

might have saved ole Clementine.

She broke the
record under water.

I thought that she
was doin' fine.

I was never nervous
until the service

that they held for Clementine.

-[SINGING]Take care, Sailor,
way out on your whaler with

your harpoon and
your trusty line.

Oh, if she shows now
yell there she blows now!

It just might be fat Clementine.

Oh, my darlin'-- oh, yeah!

Oh, my darlin' oh,
my darlin' sweet

Clementine you may be gone
but you're not forgotten.

Yeah.

[INAUDIBLE] So long, Clementine!

[BUBBLE SOUNDS]

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

-Thank you.

-All that, um, all
that talent and good

looks it's a shame it's
wasted on somebody that young.

[LAUGHTER] Look, Bobby, I
love the way you move around

and the way you work
and your stage presence.

You're wonderful.

-Well, thank you
very much Mr. Burns,

but I have a confession to make.

-Oh?

-See actually, wherever
I do appear on the stage,

well it's a result of
watching some of the,

uh, well, you know, some
of the great old timers

in this business.

-You, uh, you have been
watching the old timers, huh?

-Yes, sir.

Elders' taught me an awful lot.

[LAUGHTER]

-Take your hand off my elbow.

[LAUGHTER]

-Look, Bobby, you represent
the younger generation

of show business,
and you're good.

I love you, I tell you that.

But when I was your age, you had
to be more than just a singer.

You had to be an all
around performer.

You had to be able to dance.

You had to be able to do
a time step, a waltz clog,

you had to be able to wing
on your right foot, wing

on your left foot,
-Excuse me, Mister Burns.

-You, you, you--

-Pardon me, sir, I
don't want to interrupt,

but I can do all
those steps, sir.

I can also do a
double heel roll.

Would you like to see it?

-No.

[LAUGHTER]

-The last thing I'd want to see.

Look, Bobby, let's, let's
do something together.

-Anything you say.

-Something that'll make you
good, that won't tire you out,

because at your age, I
get winded very easily.

[LAUGHTER]

-Let's, let's sing,
"I Ain't Got Nobody"

and then do a little sand dance.

Did you ever do a sand dance?

-A sand dance?

I never did a sand dance.

-Good, good, I'm glad
Elvis is out of town.

[LAUGHTER]

-Jeff, that's it.

-[SINGING]Oh, there's
a saying going around

and I've began to
think it's true.

-[SINGING]And it's awfully
hard to love someone

when they don't care about you.

-[SINGING]Once I
had a lovin' gal,

as good as any in this town.

-[SINGING]But now
you're sad and lonely

because she's turned you down.

-[SINGING]Quite true.

And I ain't got nobody.

Nobody cares for me.

And I'm so sad and lonely.

Won't somebody come and
take a chance with me?

You know I sing sweet love
songs, honey, all the time

if you come and be
my sweet baby, mine.

Cause I I ain't got nobody.

And there's nobody
that cares for me.

-Mister Burns

-[SINGING]I ain't got nobody.

-Sing a song.

-[SINGING]Nobody cares for me.

I'm so sad and lonely.

Won't somebody ta--

-I better save it
for my next act.

[LAUGHTER]

-[SINGING]I'll sing
sweet love songs, honey,

all the time if
you'll promise me that

you will be my sweet baby, mine.

Ah- I ain't got nobody.

Nobody cares for--

-[SINGING]Doo, dee-ooo, dee-oo,
dee-oo, tee-dee. [INAUDIBLE]

-Thank you.

-Woomp, da, dee-dee
dee da, dee dee--

-[SINGING]Oh, woomp, da,
dee dee, dee da, dee doo.

-[SINGING]Oh, woomp.

-[SINGING]Oh, woomp.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Oh, yeah, oh.

Uh-huh Oh, ha.

-Oh, here we go.

-[SINGING]Da da, da.

-Solo time.

-[SINGING]Oh.

Oh, dee, da, da

-This hurts.

-Da, pound.

Da, da, doo.

-Watch yourself now.

-[SINGING]Dee, dee
dee, dum, whoa!

-[SINGING]I sing sweet love
songs, honey, all the time.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-[SINGING]Could you be my
lovin' baby, sweet baby, mine?

-One, two, Oh!

-[SINGING]I ain't got nobody
and nobody cares for--

-[SINGING]Nobody
cares for oh, oh, oh,

oh nobody cares for--
Woomp, dee, da, woomp, back,

back, back, nobody cares for me.

[APPLAUSE]

-He's, uh, he's
too young to smoke.

[LAUGHTER] But, uh,
you can be any age

to enjoy the best built car
in America, the 1960 Mercury.

I've got a bad memory.

-I, uh, I hope that you've
enjoyed the show up until now

because now I'd
like to do something

that I'm going to enjoy.

I want you to make my piano
player, Charlie Lavere.

Charlie?

[APPLAUSE]

-And, uh, and now I'd like
to sing a few of the songs

that I made famous,
like "Tiger Girl"

and "In the Heart of a Cherry"

[LAUGHTER]

-"Syncopation Rules the Nation"

[LAUGHTER]

-"Oh, What a Wonderful Winter,
The Boys are All Back Home"

and then I'd like
to sing a few songs

that you don't know so well.

Why don't we start
with "Red Rose Rag"

-[SINGING]Down in the garden
where the red roses grow,

oh, my, I want to go.

Pluck me like a flower.

Cuddle me an hour.

Lovie let me learn
that Red Rose Rag.

Red leaves are falling
in that rosy romance,

bees hum, come,
now's your chance.

Don't go huntin' possums,
mingle with the blossoms

in the flowery, bowery dance.

Oh, honeymoon, shine on in June,
hear me croon this lovely tune,

trees and bees are
sighing and crying

and Lovie let me learn
that Red Rose Rag.

Honeybee, be sweet to me"

-Hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it.

That song is too
great to finish.

[LAUGHTER]

-You know, when I
first sang that song,

I did an act with
another fellow.

His name was Sam Brown.

Brown and Williams.

My name was Harry Williams.

[LAUGHTER]

-We had a fight and
we split up and I

went to work with
somebody else and he

worked with somebody else.

And now we had
Brown and Williams

and Williams and Brown.

[LAUGHTER]

-Split up again,
we got partners.

Now we had Brown and
Williams, Williams and Brown,

Brown and Brown, and
Williams and Williams.

[LAUGHTER]

-Then we split up
again, and got partners.

Now you had Brown and
Williams, Williams and Brown,

Brown and Brown,
Williams and Williams,

The Brown Brothers
and the Williams Boys.

[LAUGHTER]

-By the time we got
through, every Jewish person

of that neighborhood was
either named Brown or Williams.

[LAUGHTER]

-There was one fellow,
Jaime Goldberg, he moved.

[LAUGHTER]

-He was afraid to live in
a Gentile neighborhood.

[LAUGHTER]

-Here's the chorus.

-[SINGING]Pick the pinky
petal for your Papa's pride.

Beg a burning blossom
for your blushing bride.

Woo me with that
wonderful wiggle wag.

Tip to toes to tease me
and tickle me, too and do

a dainty dance like
Dandy-doodle-doo.

Oh, ring your Rosie
around that Red Rose Rag.

[APPLAUSE]

-Right after that song,
I changed my name again.

[LAUGHTER] Here's a cute song.

-[SINGING]Little Johnnie
Warner was sitting in a corner

of a swell cafe,
eating his heart

away because he had no girl.

At another table sat
a girl named Mable

with a fellow who Johnnie knew
and his head began to whirl

[LAUGHTER]

-[SINGING]Johnnie sighed.

Here's what Johnnie
cried, he hollered--

-Wait, wait, before I tell
you what Johnnie hollered--

[LAUGHTER]

-When I sang that song, I worked
with a fellow Willie Delight.

Name of the act was
Burns and Delight.

My name was Burns.

Finally.

[APPLAUSE]

-Here's the chorus.

-[SINGING]Where did
you get that girl?

Oh, you lucky devil.

Where did you get that girl?

Tell me on the level.,
have you ever kissed her?

Has she got a sister?

Lead me, lead me, lead
me to her, Mister.

Gee, I wished that I had
a girl, I'd love her.

Goodness, how I'd love her,
and if you've got another,

I'll take her home to mother.

Where, where, where
did you get that girl?

[APPLAUSE]

-Willie and I-- Willie
and I wore straw hats

and we used to finish
the song this way.

-[SINGING]And if
you've got another,

I'll take her home to mother.

Where, where, where
did you get that girl?

-Put our hats out in front.

And you'd be surprised what the
audience would put in our hats.

[LAUGHTER]

-Say, girls, come out
here and gather around me.

I, um, I want you
to hear this song.

This is my favorite song.

I'm crazy about it.

I love it.

Everybody else despises it.

[LAUGHTER]

-[SINGING]I'd love
to call you Rose,

dear, but roses fade away.

-Please, it's my favorite.

[LAUGHTER]

-[SINGING]I'd love
to call you Rose,

dear, but roses fade away.

Roses die when
wintertime appears.

I'd love to call you
Daisy, but daisies always

tell what sweethearts like
to whisper in your ear.

I'd love you call you
Honey, but honey runs away.

I much prefer a name
like Clinging Vine.

And if I call you Buttercup,
the dandelions would eat you up.

-That's the part
I'm crazy about.

[LAUGHTER]

-I think I'll do it again.

-[SINGING]And if I
call you Buttercup,

the dandelions would eat you up.

Then I'll buy a ring and
change your name to mine.

-Come along.

-[SINGING]Oh I'd love
to call you Rose,

dear, and roses fade away.

Roses die in wintertime--

[APPLAUSE]

-[SINGING]I'd love
to call you Daisy,

but daisies always
tell what sweethearts

like to whisper in your ear.

I'd love to call you
Honey, but honey runs away.

I much prefer a name
like Clinging Vine.

And if I call you Buttercup,
the dandelions would eat you up.

Then I'll buy a ring and change
my name, change your name,

buy a ring, oh, change a,
we'll buy a, we'll buy a,

we'll change it or
we'll buy a ring

and change your
name to-- Once more.

Oh, we'll buy, we'll change it,
we'll change it, we'll buy a,

oh, we'll buy a ring and
change your name to mine.

[APPLAUSE]

-How do you like that guy?

We come on his show
to do him a favor,

he's doing the
whole thing himself.

The whole thing.

[APPLAUSE]

-We're sitting
here, doing nothing.

-We have to watch it yet.

-I told you we could
turn on something else.

-Look, I'm not
interested in the finals

of the West Corbina
bowling matches.

[LAUGHTER]

-Women's division.

[LAUGHTER]

-Oh, I don't know.

Those women bowlers
got very nice muscles.

-Oh.

[LAUGHTER]

-You know, we could have
put on something else.

There's an old movie "Whoopee!"
with you in it, Eddie.

-"Whoopee!"

I don't want to see that.

When I watch how I used to
roll my eyes in those days,

it hurts me now.

[LAUGHTER]

-Oh, Eddie, I know how you feel.

You know it's like a fat man
stepping on a weighing machine

and getting a card that says,
you used to weigh 150 pounds.

[LAUGHTER]

-Oh, I don't know.

I look in the mirror
every day and I haven't

changed one bit in
the last 20 years.

-George, I keep
telling you that is not

a mirror, that is a photograph.

[LAUGHTER]

-How about that Burns?

He gets us on.

He tells everybody, tells
the whole world what

great friends we are.

We're great pals.

-Yeah, that's true.

-Then he he takes over the whole
show and he gets all the glory.

-Yeah.

And the prestige.

-And the girls!

-And the money.

[LAUGHTER]

-And top billing.

-And the girls.

-And the money.

[LAUGHTER]

-OK, fellows, there must
be another line here, huh?

-And the money.

[LAUGHTER]

-And the girls!

-Shut up, both of you.

-Look, he begged me
to come on, didn't he?

-Yes.

-He begged me to come on.

-Sure.

-And then, he says, anything,
you do anything you want to do,

I'll be the straight man.

-OK.

-That's what he said.

-Well, of course, what else
can he be but a straight man?

Take the cigar away from
Burns, so what have you got?

-A very old Bobby Darin.

[LAUGHTER]

-You're right.

You know he repeats
everything you say,

just like every
other straight man.

Now, the other day I
saw him on the street,

and I says to him, George,
how's your brother Willie?

So, he says to me,
how's my brother Willie?

And I had to think
of a funny answer.

[LAUGHTER]

-Sometimes you can stand
like that for days.

[LAUGHTER]

-It started in school you
know, when he was a kid.

Nobody knew how dumb he was.

The teacher would say to him,
who invented the steamboat?

And he'd say, who
invented the steamboat?

[LAUGHTER]

-And while he was waiting for
the teacher to get her laugh,

the other kids graduated.

[LAUGHTER]

-And the worst of
it is, he makes

us do things that
we did 20 years ago.

-Yeah.

-And who wants to do
things we did 20 years ago?

-I do.

[LAUGHTER]

-Boys, how does the show look?

-Oh, George, you
were just great.

-You were, you were magnificent.

-I could here you sing forever.

You don't need anybody.

-Well, I know [INAUDIBLE]
Look, fellows, I'm

going out to introduce
the Pals number.

-Yeah.

-Now won't we sing together?

It's my show, so please,
don't sing too loud.

[LAUGHTER] How do you like that?

Don't sing too loud.

How do you like that?

And we're doing this
whole show for free.

I'm not getting a dime.

I, I-- Are you
going paid, Georgie?

-Well, of course not.

How about you, Jack?

Are you getting paid?

[LAUGHTER]

-Jack?

-Wait a minute, I'm
not through looking.

[LAUGHTER]

-Jack--

[LAUGHTER]

-Jack, are you--

-I can make this show
run an hour and a half.

[LAUGHTER]

-Jack, aren't you doing this
show for, uh, for nothing?

-Well, practically.

We just, we just have an
exchange of sponsors' product.

-Are they going to
change your power?

What do you mean?
-What is that?

-Well, I give Burns, you know,
a case of, uh, Lux liquid-

-And?

-And he gives me a Mercury.

[LAUGHTER]

-What?

-In exchange for product--

-Wait, wait a minute.

I think I hear the music.

-Well, come on.

[INAUDIBLE]

-Jeff, if you please,
Pals. [MUSIC STARTS]

-Now, wait, wait, well,
just, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, Jeff.

Just a moment.

Uh, George, I meant to ask you,
how, uh, how's your brother,

Willie?

[LAUGHTER]

-How's my brother, Willie?

-Yes, George.

How is your brother, Willie?

-Jack, how's my brother, Willie?

[LAUGHTER]

-I don't know,
he's your brother!

[LAUGHTER]

-Jack, the deal is off.

-Oh, no it isn't!

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC - "PALS"]

-[SINGING]Pals, pals,
we'll always be pals.

What you do is OK with me.

-Fellows, not so loud.

-Ah, let us alone.

-[SINGING]Pals, pals,

-Just what is wrong
with a girl of today

is the problem this
world has to face.

They blame it on this and
they blame it on that,

but they don't seem
to get any place.

Eyes and a lipstick,
the c*ck and jazz--

[INAUDIBLE]

[APPLAUSE]

-[SINGING]We'll sing
'til our days are done

that we'll be pals, pals, pals.

[APPLAUSE]

-You know, this wasn't
very easy for me

tonight because for
many years Gracie

was always right
there beside me.

And I can always feel her
presence on the stage.

Seems strange to
be on here alone.

GRACIE [VOICEOVER]:
He's not alone.

He's never alone.

[APPLAUSE]

GRACIE [VOICEOVER]: With
those six beautiful girls

on the show, I'm
home watching him.

[LAUGHTER]

-It even feels strange
to be making an entrance

and not to hear
Gracie say, George,

are my lips on straight?

She always said--

GRACIE [VOICEOVER]:
Now, George has

the last laugh on the critics.

They always said
he was no comedian,

but now that he's working alone,
he's got a chance to prove it.

[LAUGHTER]

-And I could never retire.

I wouldn't know what
to do with myself.

GRACIE [VOICEOVER]:
Oh, I, I wish

I'd seen him when he was
with the PeeWee Quartet.

[LAUGHTER]

-I just [INAUDIBLE]

GRACIE [VOICEOVER]: Imagine an
eight-year-old boy with a head

of blonde curls,
smoking a cigar.

[LAUGHTER]

-At my age, I, I couldn't
start fishing and playing golf.

I'm too old to retire.

GRACIE [VOICEOVER]: Too old.

Why, he's got years and years
of retirement left in him.

[LAUGHTER]

-I could never retire now.

Here I am getting
all these laughs

and I'm not saying
anything funny.

Must be my-- must
be my delivery.

[LAUGHTER]

GRACIE [VOICEOVER]: This
is a good time to get off.

-You know--

GRACIE [VOICEOVER]: You always
said don't stay on too long.

Always leave them
wanting a little more.

Don't wear out your welcome.

You always said the
worst thing a performer

would do-- [INAUDIBLE]

-I asked Gracie to marry
me practically every day.

[INAUDIBLE]

[LAUGHTER]

-And the day she said, yes, I
didn't have $0.05 in my pocket.

GRACIE [VOICEOVER]:
Take your bow

and thank them
for being so nice.

-And this is
really, really true.

I borrowed $2 from Gracie to
pay for the marriage license.

It's true.

GRACIE [VOICEOVER]:
He borrowed $5.

[LAUGHTER]

-Imagine the
predicament I was in.

Didn't have $2 for
the marriage license,

had to borrow $2 from Gracie.

GRACIE [VOICEOVER]:
He borrowed $5.

[LAUGHTER]

-I was so embarrassed, I told
the fellow in front of me

that I left my suit in my, I
left my money in my other suit.

GRACIE [VOICEOVER]: Five.

-My other suit.

In fact--

GRACIE [VOICEOVER]: Five.

Five.

[LAUGHTER]

-You know, come to think of it--

[LAUGHTER]

-I borrowed $5.

GRACIE [VOICEOVER]: Finally got
it He still owes me $3 change.

[LAUGHTER]

-I wonder if I
ever paid her back?

GRACIE [VOICEOVER]: You didn't,
and say, good night, George.

-Oh, no, Gracie.

I've got about 30 or
40 more songs to sing.

Charlie?

-[SINGING]Place,
park, scene, dark,

great big moon is shining
through the trees.

Cast two, me, you,
sounds of kisses

floating through the breeze.

-Next week is called,
Ethel Merman on Broadway,

with terrific assists
from Tab Hunter,

Fess Parker and Tom Poston.

That's a lot of tall,
handsome company for a girl.

Not bad company for you, either.

So come visit with us.

-[SINGING]Monkey banjos
nightly would be strumming,

they would be humming and
it's worse than buzzing bees.

I picked a boonhanded
band, it was the best

in Monkeyland
played Ragtime ran.

Oh, this big bad boon
[INAUDIBLE] tune,

one night in June.

So we rode a thing
to chunky [INAUDIBLE]

to pay the monkey [INAUDIBLE]
Oh, the night was a sight when

the monkey band began
to swing and sway.