02x11 - How to Get Rid of Your Wife

[bunniefuu]

["Alfred Hitchcock" theme music]

- Good evening.

Contrary to appearances, we
are not converting our show

into a Middle Eastern, Western.

This is a lovely gift that just
arrived

and I'm having workmen tear out
a wall

so that I can get it into the
house.

What is especially touching

is that the gift came from a
person

I had not regarded as a friend,

a social climber who is always
trying

to wrangle an invitation to my
home.

I'm quite pleased, however.

Now that I have a wooden horse,

I may even take up water polo.

From this innocent hobby horse,

we turn to a hobby of another
kind.

Tonight's program is dedicated
to the do-it-yourselfer

and is called, "How To
Get Rid Of Your Wife".

It concerns one Gerald Swinney,

a gentleman seemingly too
meek for the task ahead,

but we shall see, we shall see.

As a special feature tonight,

we are delaying the start
of the story by one minute,

time for you to gather
up a pencil and paper.

After all, some of you
may wish to take notes.

[playful jazzy music]

[slow jazzy music]

- Oh I uh, I wonder if I might
have a word with Miss Feather

if that's possible,
Miss uh, Rosie Feather.

- You're Gerald Swinney, aren't
you?

- Yes.

- I've been reading the paper
about you,

I mean about the case.

The verdict?

Well, that's life.

I'll tell her you're here.

[quiet jazzy music]

Mr. Swinney, come this way.

[knocking on the door]

- Come in.

- Mr. Swinney, Rosie.

- Oh hello Mr. Swinney.

What are you doing here?

- Well I hope this isn't
inconvenient.

I uh, I just wanted to
apologize.

- [Rosie] What for?

- Oh uh, would you accept these?

- Oh, carnations, why they're
lovely.

Won't you sit down?

- I uh, just wondered if
there was anything I could do.

- Do?

- Well it must have been
unpleasant and embarrassing.

- Oh Mr. Swinney,

I never had so much
publicity in my whole life.

It was fantastic.

- Oh?

- Oh, I mean uh,

of course I realize that it
was at somebody else's expense,

if you know what I mean.

- You really shouldn't feel that
way.

- Oh but I do.

I mean, every single
minute in that awful court,

I kept thinking to myself, this
should have never happened,

not to somebody like you.

I mean we all thought
the same way, everybody.

You have nothing to
apologize for, Mr. Swinney.

Look, it's all over now, isn't
it?

- Yes.

- Uh, I guess I better put these
in water.

Oh, would you like a drink?

- Oh I really don't think I
should.

- After what you've been
through?

Go on, it'll do you good.

- Well all right.

Thank you very much, Miss
Feather.

- Rosie.

Uh well, everything's
over there, help yourself.

I'm gonna go behind here and
change.

Mr. Swinney, I'm glad you came
by.

We all understand how you feel

and we're very sorry.

- Thank you.

- [Swinney Voiceover]
People are sympathetic.

If they weren't things wouldn't
have

turned out the way they did.

Poor Edith, how did it all
really begin?

The day I married her, I
suppose.

I used to think things would get
better

in the 15 years we lived
together, but they didn't.

- Gerald?

Gerald.

Gerald, where are you?

Why don't you answer me?

Gerald.

You don't smoke in this room,
Gerald.

- Are you happy, Edith?

- What are you talking about?

- I wanna know.

- You do.

Without my mother, you and I
would have absolutely nothing.

You've been a clerk for 15
years.

Happy, huh, I'd a been a
lot better off without you.

- I walked right into it, didn't
I?

- What's that supposed to mean?

- This nice refined home,

dear old smiling mother and
you all fluttery and correct,

two kind, helpless women and
one unsuspecting bachelor.

On went the rings and off came
the mask.

I had no idea what it was all
about.

- Are you through?

- No.

I want a divorce, Edith.

- Oh, so that's what all
this nonsense has been about.

Well let me tell you, there'll
be no divorce in this house

and if you're thinking of
walking out on me, don't.

I know what's what and I know my
rights

and you haven't got a chance!

And just you remember it!

Gerald, I've had just
about enough of this.

Are you coming downstairs or
aren't you?

[boxes clattering]

- Edith, where's my fishing
equipment?

- It was cluttering up the
closet.

- Where's my fly box
with the brown hackles?

- I gave it to the club for the
bazaar.

- Without telling me.

- Oh Gerald, you haven't
been fishing in years.

- Do you realize I spent
hours tying those flies?

- That's right, a useless waste
of time,

so I got rid of it.

- Well Edith, I'm just going
to have to get rid of you.

[dramatic slow music]

- [Swinney Voiceover] I gave
the matter a lot of thought

and worked out a plan of
campaign.

On the next Saturday night,

I put the first stage into
operation.

I stayed at Al's Bar until
closing time.

The neighbors were about
to see Edith in action.

- Oh, Mr. Swinney.

I'll walk along with you.

- Oh good, good.

[gentle jazzy music]

[door rattling]

Uh, Edith?

Uh, Edith dear?

Edith?

- [Mr. Penny] What's wrong?

Locked out?

- Yeah, it's all right.

- He's locked out.

- Oh.

- Mr. Swinney, why don't
you come in and sit down?

- Oh that's very kind of you,

but I really don't think I
should.

Mrs. Swinney hasn't been too
well

since her dear mother passed on.

Well, I'll be all right.

I'll take a walk or something.

- Mr. Swinney, you're a saint.

- Goodnight.

- Goodnight.

- [Mrs. Harris] Oh,
good morning Mrs. Penny.

- Good morning, Mrs. Harris.

Did you hear?

- [Mrs. Harris] Hear what?

- She locked him out last night.

- No.

- Yes.

- [gasps] The poor man.

- If she goes on the way she is,

one of these days he's gonna
do something to himself.

He's just the type.

- Oh, poor Mr. Swinney.

- Gerald are you bringing my
coffee?

Gerald?

What's all this about?

- It's called reorganization,
Edith.

I've always liked a good
breakfast,

so instead of you cooking
and me washing the dishes,

I've decided to change that
around.

I'll cook and you wash.

- Where's my coffee?

- It's right there on the tray.

I decided to have my breakfast
first.

[chair squeaks]

Yes, it's empty.

We need more.

[playful music]

- Gerald!

Gerald, come here!

[playful slow music]

- [Gerald] Yes dear.

- Don't you dear me, I know
what you're trying to do,

you're trying to frighten me
out of this house, my house.

Let me tell you, you won't
succeed.

- You're imagining things,
Edith.

- Oh Edith, you're imagining
things, you must be.

- Will you listen to me,
every time I turn around,

he seems to have a knife in his
hand

and yesterday, yesterday he came
home with

a half gallon of stain remover.

- What?

- [Edith] You see?

- Well obviously he
needs it for something.

- Of course he does, that's what
I mean.

- Oh Edith, Gerald's not the
type.

He's much too gentle.

- Oh no he's not, not
underneath.

Oh Laura, you've got to
help me, you and Henry.

- But how?

- [Edith] Come over Saturday for
lunch.

- Edith, I don't think--

- He's worse on weekends.

- All right Edith, all right.

- [sighs] Laura, I've got to
prove to you,

Gerald is a monster.

[playful slow music]

What are you digging, Gerald?

- Oh it's uh, it's a surprise,
dear.

- This is my house and my
garden,

I demand to know why you're
digging it up.

- It's uh, it's going to be a
fish pond.

- [Edith] A what?

- A pond for uh,

fish.

- I'm not as big a fool as you
think I am, Gerald Swinney.

I know what you're up to and as
of now,

you can start filling it up.

Now, now!

- Hi there, Mr. Swinney.

- Oh, morning Mr. Penny.

- Ah it's a pity, fish pond
woulda looked nice there.

- Gerald?

I've changed my mind,
we'll have the fish pond.

- Anything you say, dear.

- Well go on, dig.

Dig!

And I'll thank you to mind
your own business, Mr. Penny.

- Oh I don't know how you
stand it, I really don't.

- Well she's just a bit upset,

nothing to worry about really.

- I think my wife is right,
you must be some kind of saint.

[gentle playful music]

[gentle music]

- Come in, come in, hello dear.

- [Laura] Hello Edith.

- Hello Edith.
- Henry dear, how are you?

- All right, I guess.

- Well, you couldn't have
arrived at a more perfect time.

You won't be disappointed.

- What do you mean?

- I didn't tell him you were
coming

and do you know where he
is at this very moment?

He's out in the garden digging.

- Digging?

- Digging a grave.

- Who for?

- Oh Henry.

- I must say, Edith,

you've kept the house
looking awfully nice.

- Well I certainly don't know
how.

I don't know what I'm doing half
the time.

I'm afraid to even eat or drink
anything

if he's been anywhere near it.

- Oh Edith.

- Well it's the truth,
tins of weed k*ller,

knives, stain remover and this
morning,

I found a book beside
his bed, a chemistry book

with a bookmark in the chapter
on acids.

- Gerald's always reading
funny books, I mean peculiar.

- Henry, he's told me he's
going to get rid of me.

- Edith,

Edith, Henry and I have
talked about this and

we think you ought to see a
doctor.

- Laura, there's nothing
wrong with me, it's Gerald.

He's acting peculiar.

- Hi Gerald.

- Well Henry,

there's a surprise.

I didn't know you were coming
over.

- How are ya?

- Oh fine, fine, I've been
keeping busy.

- Yes, I see.

What is it?

- Oh I'm putting in a fish pond.

- Oh that's a good idea.

Uh, how has Edith been?

- So so.

Not good really.

- Just between you and me,

Laura and I have been a
little worried about her.

- I thought the best thing I
could do

is sorta cheer up the place,

you know, do a little
decorating,

but last week, I brought
home a can of stain remover

and she just came apart.

Then I decided on the fish pond,
but,

well, that hasn't set too well
either.

- You know don't you,

her mother left everything
to her and we got nothing.

- Yeah, she told me.

- Then this doesn't seem
to have done her much good.

- Edith isn't well.

We're all going to have to try
and be very patient with her.

[doorbell rings]

Excuse me.

- Uh, Mr. Swinney?

- Yes, um, I wonder if you'd
mind

bringing that around back for
me?

- Yeah.

Uh, through this way?

- [Gerald] Yeah, right through
there.

- [Deliveryman] Okay.

- Uh s'cuse me, all.

You make it through here?

- It's one of those tanks.

Now do you believe me?

- Edith, it's for the fish pond.

- Oh no it's not, it's for the
acid.

- Oh don't be silly.

- Oh really Edith--
- You can't put acid

into one of those things
unless it's glass.

- How do you know what
those things are made of?

- Edith, you really must control
yourself.

Even if Gerald were planning
something,

would you think he'd
be so obvious about it?

- He didn't know you were
coming.

Don't you see?

- Yes.

There's only one thing to do,

tell Gerald to call the doctor.

- No.

- Yes, Edith.

- I am perfectly all right.

It's just that I'm so frightened

and that's just what Gerald
wants.

He wants me to be frightened.

- Henry--

- [Edith] Where are you going?

- I want to talk to Henry for a
moment.

[doors clatter]

If anyone ought to be
frightened, it's Gerald.

- What do you mean?

- The state she's in,
she might do anything.

Henry, I don't think we
should get mixed up in this.

- Then let's go.

- What are you whispering about?

- Excuse me please.

- [Laura] Gerald, we're
going to have to go now.

- Oh you're going so soon?

- 'Fraid so.

- [Gerald] Oh, uh,

there you are.

- Oh, thanks a lot.

- Goodbye Edith dear.

Take care of yourself.

- Edith, try not to worry too
much.

- Goodbye Gerald dear.

Drop in and see us, won't you?

- Bye Gerald.

- Bye Henry.

Bye Laura, nice seeing you!

[door clatters]

- What were they whispering
about?

- I don't know.

- I am not stupid, Gerald.

- Yes dear.

- I know what you're doing,

you're deliberately trying to
frighten me

and you're deliberately trying
to turn everyone against me.

- If I were, Edith, it'd be very
easy

because you're so predictable.

- Oh I am, am I?

Well I'm not gonna
stand for anymore of it!

- I've been waiting for you to
say that.

- Get out of this house!

Stay out!

- All right.

[playful jazzy music]

- Gerald!

I told you to get out!

- [Gerald] Yes dear,
but what about all this?

- Don't bother about all that!

You get out and you stay out!

- If that's the way you want it,
dear.

[playful jazzy music]

[door clattering]
- Gerald?

Gerald, I don't know
what you're up to now,

but I told you to get out and I
meant it!

- Don't worry, Edith, I'm going.

- If you think I'm going
to hang around, I'm not.

I'm going to bed, but before I
do,

I want it clearly understood
that you are

still responsible for
the upkeep of this house!

Do you understand?

And don't come back until
you're ready to apologize,

on your knees!

[playful jazzy music]

- [Gerald Voiceover] People
are very sympathetic.

I timed my departure for


I knew this would give
them every opportunity

to express their feelings.

Or Edith, I knew she was
watching.

And she had another shot coming
to her

when she went into my bedroom
'cause I knew she would.

[playful jazzy music]

- Somebody out here to see you,
Rosie.

- Oh?

- It's a woman.

- Oh.

- She says it's important.

- [Rosie] Well what does she
want?

- Well how do I know?

- Miss Feather?

- That's right.

- I am Gerald's wife.

- Oh.

Who's Gerald?

- Well I didn't expect
you to admit anything.

- Look, I gotta change.

- Yes, you do.

Now I don't know how long
this thing has been going on,

but it's got to stop.

- Stop is right, because one of
us

is making a fool out of
herself and it's not me!

- Miss Feather, is this or
is this not your photograph?

- Where'd you get this?

- In Gerald's bed.

- But--

- I let Gerald leave home
because

I thought it would bring him to
his sense.

Of course I had no idea there
was another woman involved.

- You mean me?

- Gerald knows I'll
never give him a divorce.

- Well, I'm very sorry, dear,
but you've made a mistake.

Now I've gotta change.

- [Edith] I'd advise you to
listen to what I've got to say.

- Bye dear.

- [Edith] Mrs. Swinney to you.

- I said goodbye!

- [Edith] And I have no
intention of leaving.

- Oscar!

- [Edith] Gerald is coming back
home.

- Look, I told you, I
don't know any Gerald.

- Ha!
[door slams]

- Now just a minute!

- If he refuses, I'll
go straight to the bank.

- Somebody help me!

- One word to the manager and
Gerald will be out of a job.

- Oscar!

- You might be interested to
know

that Gerald doesn't
have a cent to his name.

- What is it, Rosie?

- Do something, anything,
get her out of here!

- I don't mind saying what I
have to say

in front of a witness.

This creature has been
carrying on with my husband.

- What?

- I don't know her husband.

- Come on, lady.

- Not 'til she promises
never to see Gerald again.

- All right, all right,
anything.

- There, you see?

She's admitted it.

- I'm gonna be hysterical in a
minute.

- You'd better leave now.

- Take your hands off of me.

This woman has given me her
word in front of a witness,

that she shall no longer
associate

or continue to associate with my
husband

and if she does, she knows
what the circumstances will be.

That's all I came to say.

Goodnight.

- Once and for all,

I wouldn't know your
husband if I fell over him!

[door slams]

[dramatic music]

- [Gerald Voiceover] Edith
then came to the bank

and threatened to expose me

unless I returned home
immediately.

It was all working out very
well,

but the next stage in the
precedings

was going to need rather careful
handling.

[bell rings]
[playful music]

- Hello!

[playful music]

[Gerald whistling]

- [Clerk] Good morning, can I
help you?

- Oh uh, yes, I'm interesting
in acquiring a couple rats.

- Rats sir, yes,

well I've got a good
selection at the moment.

Were you thinking of the Emperor
Whites

or the ordinary grays?

- The ordinary grays, I think.

- I see, well they're right over
here.

If you'd like to come this way?

[bird squawking]

You haven't been in before, have
you?

No, I didn't think so.

Well here we are, as nice
a selection as you can see.

- [Gerald] Mmhmm.

I think I'll have that one.

- The big fat one, sir?

[rat squeaking]

- And

and that one.

- He's my favorite.

I call him Romeo.

Well nevermind, I can tell
he'll be going to a good home.

Just the two?

- [Gerald] Uh yes.

- Yeah, I see, well why
don't you look around.

You're fond of animals, I can
always tell.

It won't be but a minute.

[bird squawking]
[birds chirping]

- Polly, Polly, Polly.

Polly, Polly, Polly.

- Here we are, Mr. uh--

- Uh, Jones.
- Mr. Jones.

That'll be $3.20.

Now that you've been in
and seen my little place,

maybe you'll be coming in again.

- There we are.

- Thank you very much.

- Goodbye Mr. Jones.

- Uh, goodbye.

[playful music]

[door clicks]

[dish clinking]

[playful music]

- Gerald,

[sniffing] I smell perfume.

- Perfume?

- And it's on you.

- Oh it's a new brand
of aftershave lotion.

- You don't expect me to believe
that.

I know you've been with that
woman.

Gerald, we're going to have a
little talk.

- All right, dear.

- It seems as though one
or two misguided people

think that you are going
to do away with yourself.

- They have?

- Mrs. Harris told me
in the beauty parlor.

I know what you're up to.

You're only trying to get their
sympathy and nothing more.

- Really Edith?

- Well I haven't been able
to get the evidence as yet,

but believe me, I will and when
I do,

you can be sure that I will
expose you

and all your little games.

And you needn't look so
innocent, Gerald.

I know you've been seeing her,
that, that dreadful creature.

Aftershave lotion, ha!

[Edith screams]

- What is it, Edith?

- Rats.

Rats! [screams]

[gentle jazzy music]

- [Gerald Voiceover] Where
anything as distasteful

as rats was concerned, Edith
would,

I know, choose the most private

and discrete way of dealing with
them.

She would not, therefore, seek
the aid

of any professional
exterminator.

Of this, I felt certain.

What was the alternative?

Trap?

No.

And for reasons which you
will more than understand,

I was also quite certain she
would not

ask me to do the necessary
shopping.

[cheerful jazzy music]

All I had to do was choose my
moment

and find the hiding place.

And there it was.

Now everything was set.

[cheerful jazzy music]

- Gerald!

[cheerful jazzy music]

Going someplace?

- Yes.

- Indeed.

- My own freewill.

- And just where do
you think you're going?

To Rosie Feather?

- Can't prove anything, Edith.

Even if you could, it wouldn't
matter.

- So, you admit it.

- I've written you a letter,
Edith.

I suppose you could call it a
confession,

perhaps a statement.

To whom it may concern,

I can see no point in my
wife and I going on together.

I am wrong in what I am doing.

The responsibility is entirely
mine.

Time is the great healer and
I've signed.

- How do you suppose this
is going to help you?

- Doesn't matter, Edith.

You see, I don't care what you
do.

I'm leaving you first
thing in the morning.

- Is that all you've got to say?

- Yes.

- Oh it is, is it?

Well let me tell you,
you're not going anywhere!

To Rosie Feather or anybody
else!

- I am, Edith.

As you said, everyone on the
block knows I'm desperate.

They're expecting me to do
something.

[dramatic music]

[gentle dramatic music]

- So, do you intend to leave
first thing in the morning?

- [Gerald] It's the only way,
Edith.

- Is it?

- We were never really suited,
were we?

- Perhaps not.

- [Gerald] Well I'm glad
you're not making a scene.

- You don't really know me,
Gerald.

- Shall I make the chocolate
tonight?

- No, I'll do it.

I'll make the hot chocolate
tonight.

[dramatic music]

[playful jazzy music]

Gerald, I've left your
chocolate on the stove.

You may help yourself.

Do you hear me?

- Uh yes, yes, I heard you dear.

Thank you.

[playful jazzy music]

[dramatic music]

[milk bottles rattling]

[gentle soft music]

- [whispers] Gerald?

[gentle soft music]

[phone rings]

- Hello?

- It's Gerald, it's happened.

- What, what do you mean?

- He's dead.

- What?

- He's, he poisoned himself.

- Good grief, poisoned himself?

- Yes, I found a note beside his
body

and a can of poison in the
kitchen.

- Edith, are you sure?

- Of course I'm sure.

[slow jazzy music]

- Um, body's upstairs?

- [Edith] Yes, the door on the
left.

[slow jazzy music]

[dramatic music]

- Mmhmm.

But,

what is this?

- Is something wrong?

- You're supposed to be dead.

- [laughs] What?

- Are you Gerald Swinney?

- Yes.

- Then you wrote this note?

- Yes.

- Well?

- I'm sorry, I'm a bit confused.

I don't know what to say.

I was going to leave my wife.

We discussed it all last
night, quite rationally.

I planned to leave this morning.

I wrote the note because I

wanted to make my intentions
clear.

Didn't want it to appear
that she was in the wrong.

- What about the poison?

- Poison?

- In the hot chocolate.

- Oh, my wife did leave
some chocolate for me

on the stove last night.

I didn't feel like, I don't
know why, I put it in that.

I didn't want her to
think I hadn't drunk it.

She's a bit uh,

uh, sensitive.

- Well, by the looks of things,

I'd say you had a very lucky
escape.

- Gerald!

[playful music]

- Good morning, dear.

[cheerful music]

- [Gerald Voiceover] I was very
impressed

by the way in which the
law took its course.

All the pieces of the
jigsaw fell into place.

The overall picture of Edith
being, from my point of view,

brilliantly highlighted
by the truly splendid work

of the district attorney.

- Now Miss Feather, one of
your many admirers, it seems,

was unfortunately careless
enough

to leave this photograph
of you in a library book

and it was by this accident

that it came into Gerald
Swinney's possession.

In other words--
- By chance, by sheer chance.

- Therefore, I'm right in saying

that there was never any kind of
contact

between you and Gerald Swinney.

- Absolutely none whatsoever,
definitely.

- Edith seemed convinced that
Gerald was,

was planning to do away with
her.

- [District Attorney] How?

- She mentioned knives, a book
on acid, weed k*ller poison.

- Poison?

- Yes.

- So it could be said that
although, at this time,

she imagined herself to
be the prospective victim,

she was obsessed by thoughts of
death,

of death by poisoning.

The seed was there.

Thank you.

When the accused telephoned
you that Gerald Swinney

had poisoned himself,
what was your reaction?

Your answer is important.

- We thought that Gerald must
have done it in desperation.

- [District Attorney]
Desperation?

- Edith can be very determined.

- You mean in preventing her
husband from leaving her?

- Yes.

- So that later, when
the truth became evident,

you were no doubt shocked,
but were you surprised?

- I--
- Yes or no?

- No.

- Thank you.

No further questions.

Mrs. Harris, will you tell the
court now

what happened at the hair
dresser's?

- Well, I thought it was my duty

to make quite sure that
Edith Swinney should hear me.

- [District Attorney] Hear what?

- Well, that she was driving
her husband to suicide.

- [District Attorney]
You tried to warn her?

- Well yes.

- [District Attorney] With what
results?

- She hit the roof.

- I suggest that there can be no
doubt

that this was the incident

which put into Edith
Swinney's mind the idea

of being able to get away
with murdering her husband

by making it appear that
he had taken his own life.

Thank you, Mrs. Harris.

- Yes sir, I recall real
clearly,

lady came into the drugstore
and asked for some rat poison.

- Is that all?

- She said she didn't want
something

that wasn't real effective.

We stock three different brands.

She wanted something real
powerful.

Well I sold it to her.

- [District Attorney] Mrs.
Penny,

have you ever been troubled with
rats?

- Rats?

- [District Attorney] Rats.

- Oh no, why, oh no.

- [District Attorney] Do you
know

anyone in your vicinity who has?

- Well of course I'd know, but I
don't.

- In other words, no.

Would you say that Edith
Swinney's house was badly kept?

- Oh, it was like a hospital.

- Clinically clean.

Thank you, Mrs. Penny.

- Said uh,

uh, "You devil, you devil."

- [District Attorney] Is there
anything about these words

that particularly impressed you?

- Yes sir, their vehemence.

- Thank you.

Your honor, ladies and
gentlemen of the jury,

the defense council has insisted
that you accept the fact

that Edith Swinney is the
victim of a diabolical plot,

designed by her husband

to lead her to the very brink of
m*rder.

For what reason?

To incriminate her and to
provide himself

with irrefutable grounds for
divorce

at the conclusion of this trial.

But the true pattern of
events, as you followed them,

must surely prove the case
against Edith Swinney.

She intended to poison her
husband,

there's no doubt about that.

By the grace of God, she did not
succeed.

But she intended to succeed

and it was premeditated.

Need I say more?

Ladies and gentlemen of
the jury, I put it to you

that Edith Swinney is
guilty of attempted m*rder

and that there are no
extenuating circumstances.

- It's not true!

- [Man] Guilty.

- It's not true!

- [Man] Guilty.

[dramatic music]

[cheerful jazzy music]

- Are you all right, Mr.
Swinney?

- Oh, I'm fine.

- Now that it's all over,
what are you gonna do?

- Do?

- Uh, Mr. Swinney?

- Uh, Gerald.

- Gerald, you've had a narrow
escape,

but well life's given you
another chance.

- Yes.

- And you should take it.

You should free yourself.

- You mean divorce?

- When something's over, it's
over.

Nothing'll ever make it right.

- Those are words of wisdom,
Rosie.

[knocking at the door]

- Oh, I guess I'd better
get ready to go on.

- Oh I'm in the way.

- Oh no you're not.

I've only got one more show to
do.

I'll be through by 10:00.

- I don't supposed you'd
care for something to eat?

- Well uh, yes, I would.

- Well I'll stop back for you
then.

- All right.

- Just after 10:00.

- I'll be ready.

- Well, uh, bye for now.

- Bye for now.

[playful slow music]

[cheerful upbeat music]

- Hello Mr. Jones.

I felt somehow you might
remember me.

I remember you very well.

That goes without saying.

I'm so glad everything went so
well.

- What do you mean?

- Oh I followed the whole case

and I recognized your picture.

It was a good one of you.

As a matter of fact, I've kept
it.

I've had it framed.

Funny word, framed.

- Yes, well if you'll excuse
me--

- Oh no,

no, I thought we might have

a little something to eat
together.

- Well I'm afraid I have
another appointment.

- You know, I keep wondering
why you didn't tell anyone,

there might have been
rats in your wife's house.

- Are you suggesting--

- You didn't even mention buying
them.

- No.

- You know when you came
in my shop that day,

I knew you were as
lonely a person as I was

and well, I had a sort of
feeling we might meet again

and that everything would
be better for both of us.

Funny, wasn't it?

- Would you care for a sandwich

or something more substantial?

- Something more substantial,
thank you.

[playful slow music]

- I still have my wife,

but you will notice I have
gotten rid of my horse.

I wouldn't have cared if
it were a talking horse,

but I discovered this one was
ticking.

I promptly gave it away.

I felt there were others
who deserved it more than I,

my sponsor for one.

After all, the very foundation
of commercial television

is the Trojan Horse Principle
as witness the following.

[playful dramatic music]

[cheerful theme music]