03x19 - Wally the Beard

[bunniefuu]

["Alfred Hitchcock" theme music]

- Good evening.

Have you ever wondered
what it would be like

to be the absolute
ruler of a nation?

I'm finding out.

I am the winner on a
television show called,

"King For A Day".

I'm a trifle disturbed, however.

I just learned how they
are able to provide

for a different winner each day.

This country, like the Earth,

has one revolution
every 24 hours.

It is reassuring
to know, however,

that the state funerals
are among the best.

As usual this prologue,

has absolutely nothing to
do with tonight's play,

which tells the
story of a little man

who becomes involved
in a very odd charade.

One of my first acts as king,

was to ban from
the country forever

all television commercials.

They were deported
to the United States.

Here is one of them.

[gentle music]

[bell ringing]

- Lucy.

Lucy.

Lucy.

You wanna freshen up
before lunch, dear?

- No.

- You always do.

- I mean, I wanna freshen up.

But I don't want lunch.

- You're not dieting again?

- Walter, I'm trying to say
something very important to you.

- Is something wrong?

- I must tell you
before I explode.

- Well, my dear.

- I am not a very ordinary girl.

- Of course, you're not.

You're unusual and wonderful.

- But you are a very
ordinary man, Walter.

- Symbiosis.

Opposites who attract.

I mean, that's why
we love each other.

- I punch cards for a computer.

You oversee them.

I want more out
of life than that.

- You love me.

- I'm near you every
day, five days a week.

That's not love,
that's confinement.

Confinement is what I
feel for you not love.

- Our engagement?

- Is over.

- But how, why?
- Let me go.

- For I deal with
things as they are.

I'm not just a
computer technician.

I'm a realist, and
I demand to know.

- Because you're
dullsville, ordinaryville.

- A what?

- Nothing ever happens
to you or with you.

You're too plain.

You're so plain that if I
didn't see you every day,

I wouldn't remember
what you looked like.

- You hate me.

- Worse, baby, I'm indifferent.

You arouse nothing.

You're a square peg
in a square hole.

- Well, I read books.

I have a good education.

I go to the basketball games.

- I close my eyes,

and I can't even
describe your face.

Paint it, dye your hair green,

wear a flower pot on your head.

Do anything before it's
too late, Mr. Walter Mills.

- I gather this means

we won't be having
lunch together anymore?

- We've been engaged
for six weeks,

and I feel like we've
been married for 60 years.

- All right.

All right, go ahead.

I don't need you, not at all.

I'll marry a rich girl

and live a life of
luxury, a rich one.

[dramatic music]

[door thuds]

[gentle music]

[horn honking]

- May I help you, sir?

- Yes, I'd like to see
something for a friend.

- Yes, well, perhaps an evening
wig as a gift for your lady?

- Yeah, that's it.

My, they certainly do look real.

- Well, they are.

They're made of real hair.

Of course, that's why
they're so expensive.

- How much?

- Well, they start at $300.

- The men's must be cheaper?

- Yes, they do begin
a little lower.

But then, of course, a lady
wouldn't look very well

in a men's hairpiece.

- Oh, look at that.

A little gray in
the temples there,

he'll look just like Cary Grant.

- You know, I have a good idea.

I'll tell what let's do.

Let's just go in
here and try this on.

- Oh, no, no, I wouldn't.

Yes, yes?

- Just be seated, if you please,

and please remove your glasses.

- I'm not really interested
for myself, of course.

- Of course.

- This is hereditary.

- Mm-hmm, most
baldness usually is.

- It started when I was 21.

- Mm-hmm.

Now, of course, this is
gonna stick a lot better

with the adhesive.

But you could go on
swimming, diving.

It'll even take winds up
to a 100 miles an hour.

[gentle music]

- I do look different.

- Yes, you certainly do.

- So, very, very different.

- You look like a man
with hair on his head.

- How much?

- Do you have a credit rating?

- No, I never charge things.

- Well, the wig is $250.

- Well, I can afford that.

I got some money saved.

- There's something wrong.

- Why, you said I
looked different?

- I know, you do
from the eyes up.

But, well, if you
wore a handkerchief...

Look let me show you.

See you are different.

You're even romantic.

But it doesn't do anything
for the lower part.

- What about?

- Great idea, a beard.

I've got just the one for you.

- Certainly does look different.

I didn't really come
in for my girlfriend.

You know, I lost her.

- Well, don't you worry.

When you get this, the girls
are gonna come flocking.

You'll see.

They'll flock.

[lively jazz music]

[people chatting]

- Well, maybe you
see it that way.

But I don't see it that way.

- Well, you never see it my way.

- Well, why should
I when you're wrong?

- You were in the
Navy, weren't you?

- Too long ago to remember.

- But you can remember
something about boats.

[throat clearing]
It's about sailing boats.

- May I help you?

- I beg your pardon.

- Well, I couldn't help but
overhear your conversation.

I used to sail a great deal.

- Well, you look like
the captain of a liner,

an ocean liner.

[chuckles softly]

- No, no that not kind of ship.

Mainly for pleasure.

Racing sloops all
that sort of thing.

- Really, where?

- Caribbean mostly.

- You didn't sail in
the big race, did you?

What do they call it?

- The Bermuda, no, no.

Hated competitive sailing.

Took all the fun out of it.

- Why?

- Well, doesn't one get
enough of man against man

in his daily life in the cities,

in his work, in
politics, everywhere?

Sailing that's man
against himself,

man against nature.

- Like a w*r.

- No not to fight nature,
but to struggle it through,

so that he might find
his peace with nature.

A full sail running
before the wind

turning all of nature to use.

It takes struggle to
do it right and work,

but the rewards, once you've
found your peace with nature,

with the sea, once you do that,

why that's knowing
security and happiness

like nothing else in the world.

- How true.

Of course.

- [Curly] I don't think
it's true. Why is it true?

- Because you never sail, never.

- And you always talk about
going out you never do.

Only talk, like everything else.

- You're becoming
unmannerly, Curly.

I don't like that.

I'll bet you sailed everywhere.

- Oh, yes, yes.

- [Noreen] Around the world?

- Several times.

- Are you famous?

- Not really.

I mean, people who sail
mainly for pleasure,

not to prove anything,

they're never the
famous ones, are they?

- You must be famous.

You look famous.

- Well, I do?

- What's your name?

- Marshall.

Philip Marshall.

- Oh, I've heard that
name somewhere before.

I go to all the regattas I can,

and to the boat show every year.

- Come on.

- I was talking to Mr. Marshall.

- Come on it's late.

- What time?
- It's almost--

- I was asking Mr. Marshall.

- Well, if he has a watch.

- Do you?

- Yes, of course.

It's 5:15.

- Didn't you have
an appointment?

- Not that I can remember.

- I do.

I'm sorry.

- I didn't mean
to cause trouble.

- Oh, it isn't any trouble.

He isn't my husband
or my fiance or my,

well, what can I say, boyfriend.

He's just someone that
I have a drink with

and go out with once in a while.

- Oh, I see.

- Well, now tell me
about your sailing.

I'm dying to sail.

Is it hard to learn?

[gentle music]
- No, not at all, not at all.

I could teach you, I mean.

- Would you?

Would you really?
- Easily.

Miss?

- Noreen.

Noreen Kimberly.

- Well,

Noreen.

[gentle music]

Uh, could we?

- And where might
you be going, sir?

Answer me, sir.

- I am a friend of Mr. Mills.

- Friend?

Never knew he had any friends.

No one ever came here
to see him before.

- He has many friends, many.

- Where'd you get the key?

- He gave it to me.
I'm to meet him here.

- Well, if you're his guest,
that's two to the room,

and you tell Mr.
Mills he's to see me

if he expects to
have guests often.

- I shall indeed tell
him when we meet.

- You're sure you're a friend?

- Are you implying
that you suspect me

of some nefarious motive?

- No, it's just that.

Well you're such a sort
of classy gentlemen.

He's such a weasel
you know what I mean?

- Mrs. Adams, that is your name?

- Yes.

- My dear, Mrs. Adams,

I find my friend Walter Mills

to be a gentlemen of culture,
and taste, and imagination.

In my travels around the world

I have met many heads
of state, leaders.

I have found few men
of such simple tastes

with such profound abilities.

Goodnight, madam.

[gentle music]

- Yes, sir.

Sorry, sir.

Humph.

[gentle music]

[laughing loudly]

- I'm new.

I'm free.

I'm a new free man.

[dramatic music]

[gentle music]

[dramatic music]

[soft knocking on door]

- Who is it?

- [Manager] Mrs. Adams.

- Just a minute.

Just a minute.

- Where is he?

- He?

- Don't play the innocent
with me, Mr. Mills.

You've been letting a
friend use your quarters.

- Oh, you mean Mr. Marshall.

- "Oh, you mean Mr.
Marshall," I sure do.

- Well, he doesn't stay.

He just visits.

- I saw him come in here.

I saw him beard and all.

I started to stay
awake all night

listening for him to
leave, but I fell asleep.

Well, he came in all right,

and he's pretty good
at sneaking off.

- He didn't sneak off.

- Then he's still here hiding.

- Neither.
- Hiding on my premises!

Well, I'll call the
police to find him.

- No, no.

- Then he is still here.

- No, he left, I swear.

- How long has
this been going on,

two months, three months?

- Not long, honestly.

- Well, long enough for somebody

to deliver a note for him here.

- A not for Philip Marshall?

- That's what that
Curly man said.

You're not Mr. Marshall.

- Well, I'll give it
to him when I see him.

- Not until you pay me back rent

for Mr. Philip Marshall
sneaking in and sneaking out

living free off of me.

- I demand that...

Very well, Mrs. Adams,
have it your own way.

- And you'll pay that in cash.

No checks.

- I'll pay nothing.

I'm moving.

[gentle music]

[doorbell ringing]

- Do you have rooms to let?
- Indeed I do.

Come in.
- Thank you.

I'd like a large room,
the best you have.

- Well, this is a family
type of rooming house.

- I hope so.

- I mean, it's
nothing fancy, Mister?

- Marshall, Philip Marshall.

- Mrs. Jones.
- How do you do?

- Mostly working
people and such.

- I'm a working person.

- You look like an employer.

- If you'd rather
not rent to me.

- Oh, didn't say that at all.

Not at all.

What is your occupation,
Mr. Marshall?

- I am semi-retired.

- Oh, how lovely.

We have a young
widow living here.

You must meet her she's
an awfully good cook.

- I'll be eating my meals out.

- Well, as you wish, of course.

- Oh, by the way, before
we go any farther.

- We'll discuss the price of
the room after you've seen it.

It's my very best.

- No, no, no, it isn't that.

I have a business that
requires meetings.

A young man works with me
sometimes in the evenings.

- He won't be staying over?

- No, no, no.

- Extra charge, for extra
guests staying over, you know.

- Of course.

- Isn't it a lovely room?

- Beautiful, beautiful.

Now about the
business associate.

- Well, I don't see why not.

- Ah, fine.

If I'm not at home when
he stops by, show him in.

His name is Walter Mills.

- [Noreen] Hello.

- Hello, is Noreen there?

- [Noreen] This is Noreen.

- This is Philip Marshall.

Remember me?

- [Noreen] Do I remember you?

Why did you wait
so long to call?

I thought you'd
forgotten about me.

- Well, I've been moving.

I wondered when I might see you.

- [Noreen] To go sailing?

- If I owned a ship.

- [Noreen] Is that difficult?

[upbeat orchestral music]

- Well, she certainly
is a fine ship?

- Boat.

- In a manner of speaking.

Does she use a spinnaker.

- She carries a gin.

- Uh, yes, over here.

- There it is.

- Well, whatever
it is she's lovely.

- Mr. Keefer, could I see
you in private for a moment?

- Okay.

- Certain business details.

[birds cawing]

Look you wanna make a sale?

- Well, I ain't in this
business for my health.

- Well, I wanna buy that boat.

But you're making
it most difficult.

- How?

- By correcting every
little thing I say.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

- You see, I don't
wanna argue with you.

As a matter of fact,
I need your help.

- I was trying to give it.

- You figured that out, huh?

- What?

- I don't really know
very much about sailing.

- That ain't hard to figure.

- You see, she
doesn't know that.

- Oh, I get it, yes.

- Now she's gonna
wanna go sailing pretty
soon, immediately.

Now what am I gonna do?

- I could put a little
three-and-a-half horsepower

outboard in the well.

A lot of guys do that now.

- You mean in case the wind
dies down or something?

- Look, I supply the
boats and the motors.

You supply the excuses.

- You could go in
the boat with us.

- I charge for sailing lessons.

Nothing's free.

- Of course.

How much is that boat?

- 3,000 cash.

The bank will take a
one-third down payment.

- Okay.

[birds chirping]

Well, I bought it.

- This boat?

- Isn't this the one you liked?

- Well, look at
this it's broken.

- No, no, no, no.

No, that gudgeon was missing.

I just replaced it.

Now you slipped those gudgeons

over the two pindles
in the stern.

- Pindles and stern.

- And your rutter's in place.

- Rutter's in.

Well, I'll do it.

- After you sign the contract.

- Just to show her.

[upbeat orchestral music]

[gasping deeply]

- Oh!

Oh, did you hurt yourself?

[gasping deeply]

- I think, I'm gonna
have to bandage that.

I'm afraid I cut it a bit.

- Here.

- Oh, it's.

[dramatic music]

That's very kind of
you to do this for me.

- It's the least I can do
since you drew blood for me.

- You're a most gracious lady.

[soft wincing]

- That embarrasses me.

- Compliments embarrass a
woman as attractive as you are?

- Maybe it's the
kind of compliments.

- What kind have you had?

- The most obvious.

- Ah, yes, I see.

You have a most
attractive apartment.

- Thank you.

- You must have a very good job.

- No, I don't work.
- Inherited?

- Rich husband.

There.
- Husband?

- Oh, almost an ex-husband.

Ever hear of Joseph Kimberly?

- No.

- Does it matter?

- There is only
one area of my life

where I do not consider the
consequences of my conduct,

and that is with
a beautiful woman.

- Any beautiful woman?

- Noreen,

let's stop playing games.

I'm a mature man.

I enjoy your company.

But like so many American women

you insist on making
the relationship

between man and woman
a game, a contest.

I have neither the
time, nor the emotion,

nor intellectual make
up for such maneuvers.

- Well, I--
- Let's talk about sailing.

- You're such an
unpredictable man.

Like you were two
different people.

- Isn't everyone?

- Yes.

Yes, of course.

But I never thought of
myself that way before.

- It's who we are
mainly that counts.

- Mainly, I'm a single woman.

[gentle music]

Oh, what a beautiful
face you have?

- Can you see it?

- What a beautiful beard.

- Beautiful?

- It's so interesting.

So exciting.

I've never known a
man like you before.

It's like you're a mystery,

a hidden secret
that I have to know.

I have to.

- Doesn't it tickle?

- I didn't even notice.

- Walter Mills.

Walter.

Hiya, Walter Mills.

- I don't know what
you're talking about.

- Then suppose we go back
upstairs to your girlfriend,

your girlfriend now,

and then I'll rip
off that beard.

She is your girlfriend
now, isn't she?

- What do you want?

- I followed both of you.

Checked on the boat, all of it.

- Please don't tell her.

- Then I want something back.

- I haven't got much money.

- Money, I don't need money.

I want you to hide
something for me.

- Hide something?

- About $50,000.

- Wouldn't a bank be better?

- Silver and jewelry.

- Stolen?

- That's right.

[dramatic music]

- We shall have the
second half of our story

after this word from
the court jester.

[dramatic music]

- Well?

- I don't know what to say.

- Just say yes or no.

- No.

- Okay.

- Wait a minute where you going?

- To see my ex-girlfriend.

- She won't believe you.

- Why not?

- Because she loves me.

- It isn't my word
against yours.

It's just a tug of the beard.

If it's real, you yell out.

If it isn't,

so long Noreen.

- Wait.

I can't hide it in
my room it's rented.

The landlady cleans everyday.

- Not your room, your boat.

- My boat?

- On the mooring,
rent a mooring.

- What's a mooring?

[chuckling softly]

- An old seafaring man like you

doesn't know what a mooring is?

- I don't have to
take your insults.

A deal, just make a deal.

- A mooring in that marina
is an anchored float.

You tie your boat to it.

They rent them.
- And then?

- Well, first things first.

- Like?

- Like going fishing, buddy boy.

Like going fishing.

[gentle upbeat music]

- Your mooring's number
seven right out there.

- Yeah, everything's shipshape.

- You know how to
start the motor?

- Oh, sure.

[engine cranking]

[engine revving]

- First you come down here with
a pretty girl to buy a boat.

Then you crush your finger,
and you rush off with her.

Now you come back and
wake me up at dawn

with a check for a down payment

and a guy that
wants to go fishing.

- Isn't dawn a good
time to go fishing?

- As long as your check
is good, who cares.

Now fish out near
the break port.

Lots of bass.

- Thank you.

[boat horn wailing]

[boat horn wailing]

We've been out here for hours.

Haven't we been out
here long enough?

- Alright, start the motor.

We better hurry
before the fog lifts.

[engine sputtering]

[boat horn wailing]

[boat horn wailing]

Bring me the rope
tied to the sack.

[water splashing]

[boat horn wailing]

If you're no trouble,
maybe I'll cut you in

when I sell this stuff.

This is for that knucklehead
back at the marina.

So he'll see us
take our gear back.

- Boy, you think of
everything, don't you?

- Everything.

[boat horn blaring]

[telephone ringing]

- Hello.

- [Mrs. Jones] Did you put
an ad in the paper asking for

the whereabouts of Walter
Mills or Philip Marshall?

- I sure did.

- [Mrs. Jones] Why
do you want to know.

- Money.
- A reward?

- I'll give it to from the
money Walter Mills owes me.

- [Mrs. Jones] Well,
I know Mr. Marshall.

But I don't know
anything about Mr. Mills.

- Well, you will, honey, just
as soon as I can get there.

And then one night Mr.
Marshall turned up.

- A beautiful beard.

- A gentleman, I thought.

He was a free loader.

- He pays his rent.

- Now he does.

- He's so cultured.

- He cheated me out of
four months back rent.

- The other one did.

- I think they work a racket.

- How do you mean?

- One of them rents the place.

The other one secretly
moves his stuff in.

Then when they're
caught, they move out.

- I find that very
hard to believe.

- Do you think I'd
waste my good money

on a personal's ad
if it wasn't true?

- Let's go up to the room.

There'll be evidence of two
living there if it's true.

- You bet.

[gentle music]

He didn't have much
in the way of clothes.

Always wore the same things.

This is Walter Mills' jacket.

Yeah, that's his suit.

And these slacks.

I used to check
everything in his room.

You can't trust roomers
too much, you know.

Well, that's funny.

All these clothes
are Walter Mills.

- How do you know?

- I recognize all of them.

None of these clothes belong
to anyone except Walter Mills.

- But Mr. Marshall
lives here alone.

I know, I keep tabs.

Nobody cheats me.

- Well, if he's
living here alone,

he's living here alone and has
all of Walter Mills' clothes,

where did he get them?

[gentle dramatic music]

[gasps softly]

- Good evening, Mr. Marshall.

- Good evening.

- I'm Lieutenant Johnson.

- I'm Philip Marshall.

- He certainly is.

- Good evening, madam.

- Don't you madam me, you fraud!

- Shh, please.

- I beg your pardon.

- Well, these ladies called
the police department.

- So I gather.

- Sit down, Mr. Marshall.

- Thank you.

- We just wanna ask
you a few questions.

- Of course.

[sighs deeply]

- Do you know Walter Mills?

- Yes, yes, indeed.

- An old friend of yours?

- Oh, yes, yes
for several years.

- You shared a room with him

in Mrs. Adam's
boarding house, right?

- No, no, no we visited.

[scoffs gently]
Only visited.

- Yeah, but you helped
each other out, right?

- As friends do.

- Uh-huh.

Did he lend you his clothes?

- Uh.

Yes.

- All of his clothes?

- Uh.

Yes.

- What's he wearing now?

- He?
- Yeah.

- Bought new clothes.

- Well, why would he give
away good usable clothing

to buy new ones.

- Actually, I bought
the clothes from him.

- For how much?
- Now see here

I don't have to answer
all of these questions.

- No, no, no you don't.

Would you like a lawyer?

- What for?
- Right.

Now how much did
you pay for these?

[stammering softly]

- A few hundred dollars.

- Well, that's more
than it's worth new.

- Well, he needed the
money, extra money.

- Oh, I see, yeah.

Where do you work?

- Self employed.
- At what business?

- Nothing at the moment.

- Self-employed
at doing nothing.

- I have held jobs.

- Where?

- Self-employed.

- Doing what?

- Selling things,
various things.

- Where's Walter Mills?

- I don't know.
- Oh, now come on.

A good friend for years and
you don't know where he is.

- He said he'd write.

- Where is Walter Mills.

- I told you I don't know.

- Hey, is he dead?

- No.

- Well, then where is he?

- I can't tell you.

I'm sworn to secrecy.
- He is dead, isn't he?

- No, no, no, no he's not.

- Come on now did you k*ll him?

- No, I didn't k*ll
him he isn't dead.

He's as alive as
anyone in this room.

I've told you I
have done nothing.

- Well, can you prove that?

[gentle music]

- He's Walter Mills too.

- I am Walter Mills.

But I've done nothing wrong.

I've harmed no one.

I played a role.

But I've cheated no one.

Please leave me
alone now, please.

- Boy.

Why?

[gentle music]

- Why what?

- Why would a man
go through all these

elaborate preparations.

What are you really
hiding, Mr. Marshall?

What are you hiding
from the police?

[dramatic music]

- Are you accusing me
of committing a crime?

- No.

No, of course not.

Ladies would you excuse
us a minute please?

- [Mrs. Adams] But I called you.

- [Mrs. Jones] And
this is my house.

- Outside, ladies, please.

Please.

Now nobody goes through all this

without being up to something.

We'll send through an
ail state check on you.

- I told you I have
never committed a crime.

- I'm gonna have you checked
out here, everywhere,

everyone that you've ever known.

- But I've done nothing.

I've never stolen anything.

- What's wrong?

- Indigestion.

- You know, you can tell us
everywhere you've worked,

everyone you've known.

We'll list you as
being cooperative.

That's important
now, very important,

to be listed a cooperative, huh?

- But I'm innocent.

I told you I've done nothing.

I'm innocent!

- Of what?

- Of everything, of
practically everything.

- Nobody's innocent
of everything.

- Alright, I'll tell you
all the places I've worked,

people I've known.

All except one.

I'd like to tell her myself.

[gentle music]

[doorbell ringing]

- Oh, what is it?

- I have a message for
you from Philip Marshall.

- I was expecting him.

- Yeah, well, he can't come.

- Well, why not has
something happened?

Is he hurt?

- Well, could I come in
and tell you about it?

- Who are you?
- A friend,

an old friend of Phil's.

- Well, please tell me.
- Well, to begin with,

he's not who you think he is.

- Well, he's a
very wonderful man.

That's all I have to know.

- Yes, he was, wasn't he?

- He's dead!
- No, don't shout.

No, he's not dead.

- Oh, thank heaven.

He's too alive, too vital,

too wonderful and
exciting to be dead.

Well, some people you
cannot think of as dead.

- That's right.

That's right, not Phil.

I mean, you can think a
lot of things about him,

but not dead.

- What things?

- Well, how can you k*ll
something that never existed?

- That's ridiculous.

- I don't mean like
a ghost, but a man.

But a man who wasn't
what he seemed to be.

- Now listen you whoever
you are don't attack him.

Don't come here telling
me you're his friend

and then tear him down.

He's a magnificent man.

He's imaginative, loving,
poetic, exciting, a real man,

something different.

Why if you were just
half the man he is--

- I am.

- Am what?

- I'm half the man
he is, exactly half.

- Stop teasing me.

You tell me whatever you
came to tell me or get out.

[gentle music]

- Pretty pathetic, isn't it?

A grown man playing
Halloween every day.

[gentle music]

Well, I'll go now.

It wasn't just the beard.

- In the beginning maybe.

But then, sweet man,

then it took much more.

It took the real you.

- Whatever that is?

- The man who's
standing here now,

the man I kissed, the
most important man.

- Yes, but you're married,

and I'm a fraud.

- No.

You're real,

and I'm legally separated.

- No why, why did I--

- But it's over.

- No.

No, it isn't.

It's only just begun.

My landlady got the cops on me.

They think I've committed
some horrible crime

just because I wore a beard.

- You've done
nothing but love me.

[grunts deeply]

Is it because I'm still married?

- It's because I have
done something wrong.

- Tell me.

Tell me.

- Because I have
committed a crime.

- What is it?

- Curly.

- Oh, that horrible man.

- See somehow he found out

that I was masquerading.
- I hate him.

- And he was gonna blackmail me.

- Why did you let him?

- He made me hide something
for him, something valuable.

- By then I wouldn't have cared.

Oh, you fool!

Oh, no, no I didn't mean that.

You did it for me.

Oh, that Curly!

That cunning vicious animal!

- I could k*ll him.

- Oh, no!

No, he's stronger than you are.

Now he stole and he
involved you, how?

- We hid, I believe it's
called, the loot in a sack,

and then tied it
to my boat mooring.

- Well, you've got
to get rid of it.

- You mean sell it?

- No, you've got to cut
it lose from your mooring,

and dump it someplace else,

so that it isn't
connected with you.

Then if he calls the police--

- Would he do that?

- To hurt me, almost anything.

- He'd lose the money.

- But he'd destroy you.

- He didn't strike
me as a vengeful man,

crooked, yes, but not vengeful.

- No, you have to get rid of it.

You have to.

Then he can yell and
scream and call the police,

but he'll lose everything,

me, the money, everything.

- Right.

Right.

Brilliant.

[dramatic music]

- Hey, this is a private marina.

- Oh, it's all right.

It's only me.

Wait.

See?

Philip Marshall.

- Do you always run around
in phony beards like that?

- No, sometimes just for fun.

- No comment, you
get what I mean?

No comment.

[dramatic music]

[boat engine revving]

- Alright, hold it there.

[police siren wailing]

[boat horn wailing]

- Look, I didn't
steal that stuff.

It's because of the beard.

- You never sailed
a boat either.

Now why'd you suddenly buy one?

- It's because of Noreen.

You see, I loved her,

and I didn't want
her to find out.

But now she knows anyway,

so it doesn't make
any difference.

- Yeah, she's a rich girl, huh?

- Yeah, no.

Well, I guess so, yeah.

- Yeah, you'd get well.

Your ex-fiance said
that you told her

that you only wanted
to marry a rich girl.

[dramatic music]

Joseph Kimberly,
wife Noreen Kimberly.

- Curly did it.

Noreen will tell
you about Curly.

You ask her.

- We did.

- She said that Curly and
her husband were old friends.

But that you hated her husband.

And she told us that
we'd find you here.

- I never met Joseph Kimberly.

- Then why were you pulling
his body out of the water?

Yeah, it's gonna take a lot
more than a false beard and wig

to hide what you tried to
get away with, Mr. Mills.

[dramatic music]

but they paid later.

Sharing the sack
with Mr. Kimberly

was some very
incriminating evidence,

and the pair was eventually
brought to justice.

By the way, I'll be staying
on here for a while.

We declared our independence

from the producer
of "King For A Day".

He's now looking
for another kingdom.

We have already
signaled out the target

for our next revolution.

We are granting him this next
minute to plead his case.

[upbeat orchestral music]

[bright music]