03x03 - The Fisher King

[bunniefuu]

Watch where you're walking.
This is a crime scene.

Stop touching that. Jesus.
It could be evidence.

All right, everyone, listen up. My
name is Special Agent John Fisher.

I'll be taking over this
investigation. Somebody call dispatch.

Tell them to set up roadblocks
in a five-mile radius.

- Now. Let's go.
- Sorry, pal, this is my jurisdiction.

You're relieved of your
duty. Go find a new hobby.

Hey, kid, I'm in charge here.

You got an issue, fill
out a comment card.

You wanna b*tch about
it? Call your wife.

Feeling lonely?
Go f*ck yourself.

- You can't talk to me like that.
- Yeah, actually, I can.

Quit tainting my crime
scene with your incompetence

and let me do my f*cking job.

Walk.

- You got a time of death?
- Approximately 8:15.

I spotted three cameras
on my walk up the drive.

I bet dollars to donuts that
there's more inside this house.

Who's got the footage?

I said who's got the footage?

Me. Me. Hi, Officer Torres.

Um, looks like it's all
been recorded in the study.

Show me.

I'm telling you,
I didn't do nothing.

Then why were you
running and screaming?

What're you talking about? Wasn't
nobody running and screaming.

Why did you just
throw your phone away?

Because of satellites.

I don't want them to triangulate
my signal and get me.

Wait, what?

Look, what I'm about to tell
you is gonna sound crazy,

and you need to
ignore the crazy.

- Listen to the sound.
- Kevin, just get on with it.

Separate it. I went over to
Jackson Pepper's house, right?

Wait, wait, wait. That was
Jackson Pepper's house?

Yes, it was Jackson
Pepper's house.

Okay, so Jackson had me
come to his own house

and pick up a fugitive on the run,
and then you came out... Kevin...

Kevin, what did you do?

- Nothing.
- Kevin.

- I didn't do nothing.
- Kevin Darnell Hart.

I'll tell you what I definitely didn't
do. I didn't m*rder Jackson Pepper.

That wasn't me. So you can cancel
that from your thought case.

- sh*t!
- Is... okay, is...

Is Jackson Pepper dead?

- He's dead, Jordan.
- What do you mean he's dead?

Okay, I go over his house.

I want to tell him I'm a big
fan. I love his movies, right?

He bring out this hot a*s lasagna,
like, some f*cking boiling hot lasagna.

I don't know what kind
of microwave he got,

but this sh*t was way
too hot, so we sit there,

waiting for it to cool down, but
then he's, like, strangling me,

- on some kinky sh*t...
- Kevin, this is not funny.

I'm not playing, okay?

He told me to strangle him,
but that's not how he died.

I want to make that very clear. He
died from the Venetian Fauchard.

Who's the Venetian Fauchard?

Are you... f*ck!

- Are you listening to me?
- I'm listening.

Well, then you would know
that that's not a person!

The Venetian Fauchard is
like a f*cking harpoon!

- How would I know that?
- And the m*therf*cker fell on it!

sh*t came out his guts.

Oh, my God. I saw his
intestines and sh*t.

- I got nauseous, I start farting!
- Oh, my God.

My gas, his gas, the whole
room starts stinking!

I said I gotta get
the f*ck outta here.

Then you pull up,
right? You pull up...

Why the f*ck were you there?

Huh? Why were you there?

And whose car is this?

I... I was... I mean,

I have been, for
two years nearly,

researching a role for
Jackson's next film, okay?

You doing auditions?

Yes... I mean, yes.

And he told me to come there.

I was supposed to be there. I'm
supposed to be your getaway driver.

sh*t.

sh*t.

What do we do? What do we do?

f*ck. You gotta
get us out of here.

- How?
- What do you mean, how?

You the getaway driver.

It's fine. It's fine.
Be cool. Be cool.

- Why are you sleeping?!
- This way, if something happens,

it looks like I had
nothing to do with it.

What are you, a f*cking possum?

Been a long time since I've seen
anyone back up to physical tapes.

My abuelo still
uses the palm pilot.

I think old people
fear the cloud.

My foster dad used
to have a Betamax.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop,
stop, stop. Pause right there.

Is that Kevin Hart?

The action star?

I think it is.

Jackson Pepper is the most celebrated
filmmaker of our generation.

He makes serious dramas.

What business would
Kevin Hart have with him?

Is there audio?

What... no, sir.
Just a video feed.

Okay.

Next time they're
on camera is...

here, the trophy room.

Gotcha.

Some sort of disagreement

started right here at the
table over the fettuccine.

I think that's lasagna, sir.

It was microwaved too long in
order to fully melt the cheese.

Wow.

Things got tense.
Words were said...

promises were broken.

Pepper exited the table,

Kevin chased after... to here.

- Kevin demands something.
- Mm-hmm?

A big, splashy,
award-winning role, perhaps.

Pepper laughs in
his face.

Kevin can't f*cking take it,

so he chokes him.

All right, and then
they struggle over here.

And then around over here...

and then it crescendoed, slamming
him into the bookcase over here.

Finally, all the way
over to this spot here,

where a rage-filled
Kevin lunged at Pepper...

sending him flying onto
the Venetian Fauchard.

Wow.

That is impressive work.

Also very cool that you
knew the name of that spear.

It's my job.

Agent Fisher, we've
got clean prints

off three of the
weapons in this room

and also one of
the award statues.

Get everything processed
as soon as possible.

He said as soon as possible.
Let's move.

We got work to do.

Maybe you
don't have to run.

You didn't k*ll him on purpose.

- It was an accident.
- What did you just say?

I didn't k*ll him, period.

- Don't even say that.
- Okay.

Okay? It was not me. It
was the Venetian Fauchard.

Please stop saying that term.

God, I should have known something
f*cked up was gonna happen

the minute I was in there
sniffing Dustin Hoffman a*s...

cloth, he had a towel...

Shut up. Just shut up. I
mean, we could go to the cops

and just explain that
it was an accident.

Or we could not.

That's the stupidest idea
that I've ever heard.

Then maybe they'll take us seriously
because, you know, we're, like,

high-level celebrities.

First of all, we're not.

Second of all, I want you to name
one Black man that was a celebrity

that ever got off with a crime.

- OJ.
- Wow, that was fast.

- Now, you had that one right in the tank.
- It was a highly-publicized case.

Yeah... wait a
minute, are you...

are you comparing
me to f*cking OJ?

Oh, my God, this might as
well be a f*cking Bronco.

Okay? No, what I'm saying
is, from what I can see,

we are running from the cops, and by
their logic, that makes us guilty.

I mean, it just feels like
the right thing to do.

- What if we just go to them first?
- No...

I don't know what
the f*ck to do.

- I'll tell you what the f*ck...
- Aah!

- What are you... What are you doing?
- No!

Get your hands off the wheel!

What are you... hey!

No!

What did we just hit?

I think... I think
it was a deer.

Yeah, yes, it was a deer.

You should go check that out.

You should go check it out.

Wait, stop there.

Holy sh*t.

That's Jordan King.

That is Jordan King.

And that was her at the
f*cking bus station.

I knew it. I knew
it in my gut.

Grab the plates
from that Mercedes.

It's not a touch screen.

- All right, we gotta put out an APB.
- We gotta put out an APB.

I'm looking for Kevin
Hart and Jordan King,

a m*rder*r and his accomplice.
Suspects likely armed and dangerous.

Suspects likely
armed and dangerous.

My guy.

I mean, we saw "Bambi"...

and that was sad, right?

And we know how that...

how that whole situation ends.

I mean, that's just life.

At the end of the day,

putting roads and stuff in
their natural habitat...

I personally feel
like the deer...

is like an
overpopulation situation.

So we could just be
assisting Mother Nature,

right, in balancing out the
ecosystem, when you think about it.

Um, Kevin...

what if...

what if we didn't hit a deer?