03x07 - The Code of Hammurabi

[bunniefuu]

You know...

in a movie...

this would be the time where...

I monologue a little bit about
Hammurabi and his code...

about how he always struggled
to fill the shoes of his father,

Sin-Muballit,

the fifth Amorite king of
the old Babylonian Empire.

But...

I won't do that.

Because monologues are bullshit.

Man! You had it all.

Fortune, fame,

a chain of affordable,
plant-based fast food restaurants.

Hah! While the rest of us,

the rest of us

had to work on our
craft for decades

just to get paid acting work.

But you...

you had to have
everything, didn't you?

What? Do you want
to say something?

Oh, okay. Let me help you.

- Help! Help! Help!
- Help! Help!

Help! Help!

- Help!
- Aah! Aah!

You're pathetic.

You know...

my foster dad...

he was a forensics
expert for 40 years.

What you did back there,

your portrayal...

of his noble profession...

was even more offensive
than your portrayal

of George Washington Carver.

- Oh, come on.
- Oh, I'll come on you!

- What?
- You call yourself an actor?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

You just gonna k*ll us without
even hearing my side, huh?

What kind of law
enforcement officer are you?

Law? The law's got nothing
to do with it at this point.

No... what you doing?!

Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait,
wait-wait-wait!

- Your a*s is mine.
- Get the f*ck off of me!

- Let's go!
- Get your hands off me.

Hey, hey! Hey, stop, stop.

- Hold on.
- You know, Kevin and I...

- What?
- We could make our own movie

where you are the star.

We could put up the money.

Yeah. Hell yeah.

Yeah! Hey, hey, yes!

FBI agent. Big
story, big moment.

- Yeah.
- f*ck scenes.

f*ck... f*ck scenes. So many.

Yeah-yeah-yeah...

I just want you to know,
I think Jordan and Kevin

are lying to you and
trying to trick you.

- What the f*ck is that?
- Pearl, come on!

I would never do that, I would
never try to get inside your head.

In fact, I-I love Hammurabi

and his big, sexy code,

but I'm not even thinking
about Hammurabi right now.

No? No, the only
thing on my mind...

is you, Jeff Fisher.

- It's John.
- f*ck.

- Quit bullshitting me!
- Come on, man.

All of you! Let's
get this over with.

- Wait...
- Flip it, turn around.

- I need a second.
- Okay, one.

Wait, wait a minute.

Wait a f*cking minute!

sh*t! It's f*cking fire.

Look, man, if this will be
my last breath on Earth,

then I want to say
something real.

Oh, you're gonna... you're
gonna monologue right now?

I just wanna say
that you guys...

you're the real actors.

I mean, you... come on, man,

you spent over a decade
of your f*cking life...

dedicating it to this craft?

Jordan? You have acted
circles around me

in every single scene that
we've ever done together.

And, Pearl...

I don't... I don't really
know sh*t about you.

I'm a pescatarian.

Okay.

I'm a comedian.

And an action star.

I know there's a lot of people
out there that think that I'm

at the top of my game, but
let me tell you something.

I'm not.

I've been paying a lot of
attention to my peers...

because they've done
these dramatic roles.

I mean, some have
even won awards.

And I told myself that my legacy would
be incomplete if I don't win an award.

And so what, right? So
people all over the world

can simply say, "He's great"?

Who gives a sh*t?

I don't need a shiny
object to define my legacy.

I come from nothing, man.

And when you k*ll me, that's
right back where I'll go.

To nothing.

I like to think that
during my time here,

that I did a good job of...

making people laugh...

you know, giving
people an escape

from whatever it is that
they're going through in life.

Cause that's what
good actors do.

Yeah.

I don't know if it's called
a legacy or otherwise,

but I'll tell you what,
I'm proud of myself.

I'm proud of the
work that I did.

And this is how it
ends then, okay.

So f*cking be it.

It's been a hell of a run...

with the ones I love.

I... I'm sorry, I...

I don't even know
how it got to this.

I'm sorry, too.

I'm sorry that you
believed that monologue.

It's called acting,
m*therf*cker.

Nice punch, Jordan.

- Nice monologue.
- What?! Jordan, okay,

you are my hero, and, Kevin,
your acting was f*cking sick.

- Oh, my God.
- It was unreal.

- Knocked his a*s out.
- Well, thank you so much.

Kevin, I know that
wasn't acting.

Okay? I know that was you speaking
from the heart, not acting.

- So thank you, Kevin.
- Well... yeah...

Well, this has...
well... room for me.

Bravo.

- Well done.
- What the f*ck?

- You're alive.
- Of course I'm alive.

No, I saw you.

I saw... I saw you hanging...

hanging over the
Venetian Fauchard.

You were... it was in
you, you were dead.

I was.

And I wasn't.

I'm... I'm gonna need an
explainer for this one.

- Yeah, that would be great.
- I would also like to know.

As you may know,

before I became a director, I
was a pioneer of special effects.

My first invention
for Sam Peckinpah...

I called the blood tunnel.

I connected the blood tunnel to a


The same device I had used
in "Death Before Supper."

I simply wired that to the tip

of a spring-loaded
replica Venetian Fauchard.

As you may also know,

before I worked in special
effects, I was a prop master.

By the time you
arrived for dinner,

everything was in place.

I wired my chest
piece to a remote.

All I had to do was make my
death as convincing as possible.

How did the cops know?

I alerted the authorities while
I was heating the lasagna.

I knew it would take them
seven minutes to arrive,

and that was all
the time I needed.

But you weren't f*cking breathing.
You were dead. I saw it.

- Yes.
- Hoffman a*s...

During dinner, I
had ingested 600 milligrams

of an adenosine-bisoprolol
c*ck.

It made my heartbeat so faint

that it could not be detected
by medical personnel.

- You got a time of death?
- Approximately 8:15.

Not that it mattered,

because the coroner
was also an actor.

Well done, my dear.

Jillian f*cking Jones.

She is good.

Mr. Pepper.

I thought you were really dead.

What the hell's going on?

Why didn't you let me in on it?

Had you known I faked my own death,
you would have altered your character,

and I needed to see you
as a true rogue agent.

I...

- Jordan?
- I've waited my whole...

You demonstrated a discipline,

a focus, tenacity...

that I have not seen
since I cast Meryl Streep

in "The Ice Castle
Has Two Doors."

- Listen, I cannot wait to...
- Pearl.

Laurence Olivier
once said to me,

"Acting is nothing more than

"herding c*ck into
a pile of steaming sh*t.

"Unless...

"the actor is selfless
enough to put his own life

ahead of the character."

And I... I did that?

Hmm.

- Oh, sh*t.
- Kevin.

My God.

When your life
was on the line...

you dug deep,

you cried real f*cking tears,

and you delivered what can
only be characterized...

as an Oscar-caliber monologue.

- You really thought so?
- I did.

I f*cking told y'all.
I f*cking told you.

John, you... came so close...

to owning your role
as a rogue agent,

but in the climactic moment, you
committed the unforgivable sin.

You broke character.

I was... I was supposed
to actually m*rder them?

A real actor would
k*ll for the part.

Um...

But you, John...

you...

belong in beer commercials.

I... I did commit.

I did, I got a Hammurabi's
Code tattooed on my back.

Good for you, son.

sh**t the girls next!
sh**t the girls next!

Yes, they're blanks, John.

The FBI has been giving you blanks
your entire time with the Bureau.

I couldn't have you k*lling
someone while researching a role.

I'm not a monster.

Well, he did almost...

nearly shove me in
an incinerator, so...

That's true. That
was very, very close.

- You almost died.
- Mm.

Well, I have a car waiting.

Why don't we go discuss the film
we're all going to make together?

Hey, wait. Hold on.

Wait, wait a minute.
Hold on, just...

You had people thinking
I was a m*rder*r, man.

Yeah, and that I
was his accomplice.

You did let me get hit by a car.

- Uh-huh?
- Just putting the cherry on top of it,

you had this
psychopath back here

take us to the g*dd*mn m*rder
warehouse to do God knows what to us.

And now you just expect us to
leave with you and get in your car

so we can go talk about the thing
that's gonna bring us the acting trophy?

Then I guess this is goodbye.

Wait.

Does it have to be goodbye?

♪ Walk on by ♪

♪ Walk on by ♪

- ♪ Walk on by ♪
- ♪ Yeah, b*tch, I said what I said ♪

♪ I'd rather be famous instead ♪

Oh, my God, what a night.

You guys, we f*cking did it.

We actually f*cking did it.

It actually feels a lot
better than I ever imagined.

- Right?
- Seriously.

It does. I didn't think it
could, but then it is...

it's just as good, plus ten.

I definitely drank way
too much champagne.

I can't believe I propositioned
Viola Davis during the In Memoriam.

Yo, Jackson, hey.

Gonna toss that on your shelf
with all your other trophies?

Not this one, Kevin.

This one I will cherish.

And now on
to last night's...

- Oh, sh*t!
- Star-studded event.

It's us!

It was a clean
sweep for Jackson Pepper's

psychological thriller
"The Forgotten Fugitive."

With Best Actor
awards for Kevin Hart,

Jordan King, and
newcomer Pearl Mondolvia,

- each taking home...
- Wow.

- We look so good.
- No, we do.

- You look f*cking good.
- I definitely look the best.

Jackson Pepper.

Congratulations to our
favorite film of the year.

We'll be right back.

You may get cheated on
when you go out of town

on a boy's fishing trip. But you
know what won't cheat on you?

- It's our guy!
- Guffey Light!

- You know what? He's not bad.
- My God.

When life gets rough,
reach for a Guff.

- Incredible.
- Guffey Light, that is.

The only
beer sponsored by...

What's wrong with
Jackson? Hey, Jackson.

You okay over there?

Yeah, yes, I'm just... I'm...

old. Excuse me.

Hm.

He did do a
bunch of Jaeger shots.

I did it.

Well done, my dear.

I have another role for you.

You're going to love it.

A role?

Oh, no. Jackson, remember?

You promised, I help
you with all of this...

And you back me in
my directing career.

Of course, yes, and I will.

But you're such a
wonderful actress.

You belong in front
of the camera.

Huh, interesting.

Patience, kid.

One day I'll be gone, and...

you can direct all
the films you want.

Okay.

So when you're dead, that's
when I get to direct.

- Is that it?
- Mm-hmm.

I think I'm okay with that.

Aah!

It's hot in there, my friend.

Real hot.

Hey, Jackson.
You okay in there?

Never better, Kevin.

Never better.

Hoffman a*s...