01x03 - Letters of Intent

[bunniefuu]

[running footsteps]

[clattering]

No, no, no, no.

- [sobbing] No, no, no.
- It's okay.

[Lydia] What do we do?
Should we call the police?

[Mikey] Not unless
you wanna end up in prison.

[Lydia, sobbing] No, no...

[Lydia] It's bad. It's just so bad.
Why would Mikey keep all this stuff?

To do what he's doin' right now.
He's a sick f*ck.

Okay. I'll give you sick.
I will not give you f*ck.

Oh. Really? Huh?

He's tryin' to f*ck' ruin us.
f*ck' junkie.

I know. I know! But... he helped us then.

He really did. And he used to be so kind.

[Paul] No, to you. You, he likes.

Hopefully, a $50,000 watch
will shut him up.

What? No, we're not giving him that.

No, we can't have more evidence out there.

Especially now.
I was gonna show you this. Look at that.

What? What am I lookin' at?

That's the raccoon that set off
the floodlights the other night.

And then your raccoon
came back for a private showing,

asking a lot of questions
and touching Jacob's things.

What do you mean, touching his things?

Like freaky touchin'?

- What? What would that be?
- I don't know. His underwear?

- Why would you go there?
- Well, you said touching!

No. No! She's a prosecutor
for the DA, Paul.

- That's the district attorney.
- I know what it means.

- You didn't look like you did.
- [scoffs]

[theme music playing]

{\an8}Anyway, I told Greg
we are not accepting her offer,

{\an8}because who knows what kind of subterfuge
she could be up to?

All right. Do you think that maybe
you're gonna make any excuse not to sell?

She asked why we sealed the side door.

You're being paranoid.

{\an8}Me? Really?

{\an8}You know, 'cause
you could just talk to Mikey

instead of giving him a stolen watch.

Oh, yeah, because the last time
we did that, it went f*cking great.

He needs help, Paul.

Not another 50 grand
so he can go buy, like, a brick of drugs

and end up back in prison.

All right.

All right. I won't give him the watch.

Thank you.
And can you please put this away too?

I don't really need the reminder.

Like the whole house isn't a reminder?

[quirky music playing]

[sighs]

- [woman 1] Next.
- [man] No, it's not ideal.

[woman 1] Yeah. Mm-mm. Mm.

- Carpet looks from the Civil Rights era.
- Baby...

Since the Civil... [laughs]

They marched, didn't they?

- Look, I... I know it's a fixer-upper.
- Uh-huh.

But what's cool is that Baldwin Hills

is actually a historically
Black neighborhood.

[woman 2] Keith, our realtor,

he even said that Issa Rae's parents
used to live right down the street.

- [man] Ooh!
- I see why they moved.

That is not the dream
Dr. King had in mind.

Well, dreams take time to build.

- Yeah, they do.
- Mm-hmm.

And you know
I have always wanted to build my own.

Oh my God!

[woman 2] So... [exhales]

- It's gonna take imagination, but...
- Mama!

We don't wanna use our imagination.

We want the Los Feliz house.

- [man] Yeah, yeah. Don't we?
- [woman 1] Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Before we commit to the Los Feliz house,

we need to weigh our options.

In case we need a backup.

Speakin' of backup,
I gotta use your bathroom.

[chuckling] Ooh-hoo-hoo!

- [sighs]
- [door opens]

- Dennis...
- [door slams]

I've been thinking about your
mom's offer to help with the house...

I can't tell you
how much I appreciate that.

Like, I know you two just met,

but, you know, after my dad died,

uh, she just gave up
her whole life for me.

I just wanna give a little back. You know.

Yeah, and I appreciate
how close you two are. [chuckles]

Which I'm just now discovering.

We really are.

I just hope one day this little man
will meet someone like you

who will love and respect his mother
in the same way.

Thank you, baby.

- [door opens]
- [flushing]

You might wanna crack the window
in there. I tried, but it's all rusty.

Oh, yeah. You really gotta...
You gotta force it, Mama.

- I got it.
- [mother] Yeah, okay.

I'll tell you one thing.

I am not moving my four cats from New York
to live in this shitbox.

- You have four cats?
- Yes.

- [bang]
- [Dennis yells] Ow!

- Dennis?
- [mother] What?

- [Dennis groaning]
- [wife] Oh, you're bleeding.

Oh, it'll clot. It's fine.

No, no, no. Babe, that window is rusty.
You should go to an urgent care.

It's okay. Mama's got it. Come on.

- Come on.
- I'll just go with Mom.

- [mother] Come on. Go.
- Okay...

- Go, go, go.
- I'll be back later.

- [mother] Yeah. Ooh! Lord, if he survives...
- [wife] Okay, baby.

Spirit told me to stay here a few days.

- [Dennis] Spirit's never wrong, Mama.
- [mother] Spirit knows what it's doing.

[door closes]

[quirky music playing]

Hopeless.

[sighs]

Hi, Keith?

Yeah, yeah. It's Carla.

I wanna make an offer
on that Baldwin Hills house.

Totally fine.

I'll offer a million dollars. All cash.

Someone from my father's trust
will be in touch with the paperwork.

Thank you.

- [running on treadmill]
- [woman on video] 15 seconds.

- Okay, you take a nice nose breath here.
- [inhales]

- Let it out. Yes.
- [grunts]

- [puffing] Yeah...
- Let it out audibly. Let it out.

- We walk in five, four, three, two, one.
- [grunting]

30 seconds. It's quick. It's quick.
And then we run for 30.

- Can we talk?
- [grunts] I'm running, so...

My bad. I didn't think
you ever used this thing.

Well, I guess we both do things
behind each other's backs, huh?

Only my thing is
really good for my health,

and your thing is
a complete f*cking betrayal.

[trainer] Let's go.

Yes, y'all.
This is just the pickup from that...

- [bleep]
- [treadmill stops]

[exhales]

I'm sorry, okay?

[Leslie panting]

What you did is so f*cked up.

I know.

You made the biggest decision
two people can make by yourself.

Well, I was trying to protect you
from all the stress and worry.

Yeah, yeah. No, no.

'Cause now that we have
a positive pregnancy test, we good!

Yeah. 'Cause nothing ever
goes t*ts up after that.

Obviously, things can still go t*ts up.
That's why you keep trying.

[sighs]

You didn't get out of bed for three months
after the last time didn't work.

- You were catatonic.
- Les!

I wasn't catatonic because it didn't work!

No, because of the hormones or whatever.

No, I was catatonic because you said
you didn't wanna try anymore.

[gasps]

And I get why you didn't. I really do.

But for me, giving up on becoming a mom

felt like dying.

[sighs]

Why didn't you tell me you felt that way?

I thought the feeling would go away, but...

it just got stronger.

[poignant music playing]

[Sarah] Baby.

Is there any part of you
that's happy about this?

Even a teeny tiny bit?

[phone vibrates]

It's the realtor.

[quirky music playing]

[Sarah] What?

Hey, Greg.

[Greg] Yeah. Don't worry. I just
told the lesbians their offer's DOA.

Yeah. Yeah, that's not, uh,
what I wanted to talk about.

I... um...

Do you know where I could get any drugs?
Like hard drugs?

Really, Paul?

What, 'cause I'm a g*y realtor in LA,
I must know where to get drugs?

- No, no, no...
- I am not a stereotype, sir.

- Course not. Course not.
- I am a person.

[splutters] I... f*ck, I'm sorry.
I just... I just assumed 'cause I...

I see you sniff a lot.

That's 'cause I have allergies, okay?
We're in the middle of a superbloom.

- Right.
- And also because I do coke.

Yeah, of course I do coke.

Oh, okay. See?
Now, that's great news, 'cause... so do I.

- Really?
- Yeah.

'Cause you're so...
What's the word I'm lookin' for?

- C-SPAN.
- Yeah! That's why I do it.

Yeah, but my... my dealer, he moved...

well, uh, to the Westside.

- And...
- Oh God. Should've just k*lled himself.

Yeah. Yeah, he did.

Uh... anyway, if you could just
point me in the right direction?

I can't do that, Paul. I'm sorry.

That's against
the realtor code of conduct.

What if I bump your commission 6%?

- [bleep]
- This is my car.

- [Paul] Hah. See?
- Mm-hmm.

[doctor] So when's the last time
you had a tetanus shot?

I'm gonna go with... maybe never. [chuckles]

No, they made me give you all those shots
so you could go to school.

- My mother's a little medically hesitant.
- Uh-huh.

Listen, I am 75. I ain't seen a doctor
since '75, and I'm just fine.

- [beeping]
- She's fine.

So, your... your blood pressure's
a little high.

High?

- [doctor] Any... Under any stress lately?
- Nothin'.

- Well, now, he's about to have a baby.
- Oh, yeah, there is that.

- And he's under a deadline.
- Okay.

And he has less than a month
to find a new place to live.

- Got it, Mama.
- And he has a new wife.

- Met less than a year ago.
- Going very well.

That's a lot of "ands."

Yeah, but I'm too blessed
to be stressed, right?

Not according to your blood pressure.

How about we take blood, get you vaxxed,

make sure everything's good
before the baby comes?

- Okay.
- Any family history I should know about?

Well, my mother lived to 99.

If the lightning didn't get her,
she still might be here.

My father died of sarcoidosis
when he was 39.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean anything.

Uh, it can. I mean, that's just why
we take medical histories.

- [mother] Oh.
- But you're still pretty young.

Whoa, 38? Almost 39!

Yeah, but... but I'm healthy, you know.
I'm... I'm a fit... I'm, like, a healthy 39.

How many... how many steps do you get a day?

I don't know. Average.

- Two forty-seven!
- Okay. All right!

So, I... It wouldn't k*ll me
to jog a little.

I mean, it might k*ll you not to. [laughs]

[both laughing]

It's not funny.

Yeah, okay.

[intriguing music playing]

[doorbell rings]

- Hey.
- [Lydia] Hi.

Got your message.

Ah. Good to see you. Oh!

Oh, you smell nice.

Thanks. Come... come in.

[dog barking and panting]

[entry bells jangle]

- Yeah, I'm here for drugs, not pugs.
- Stop.

Hi. We're here for the lavender wash.

Thank you.

Good to see you, Greggy.

How's Larry? I haven't seen you lovenerds
since my Halloween party.

Yeah, we're actually not speaking
right now. It's a lot of drama.

- I really don't wanna talk about it.
- Aw.

So... is this...

Oh my God. No! [laughs]

- I was gonna say! [laughs]
- [Greg] Yeah, come on.

- Aw!
- Trish. Can you imagine?

- No, I can't. [laughing]
- That's hilarious.

- No.
- [Trish] No.

No. Paul is just my client.

Okay. Hey, Paul!

He's lookin' for a little bit of...

- A lot.
- Okay.

Of... coke.

- Caine.
- Okay.

Cokie-coley.

- What... what do kids call it?
- [Greg] Stop.

Santa's dandruff.

- That's enough names, all right?
- [Trish] Okay!

[squeakily] I think Daisy can help.

- [giggles]
- [Paul laughs]

How much?

Like a...

brick?

Okay, kingpin. It's giving cartel.

You know, I'm not quite sure
what your rate is, but I'll take...

[Trish] Yeah?

...whatever I can get for this.

- You didn't bring cash?
- It's not a swap meet, hon.

Are you a narc? Is he a narc?

No. He's not cool enough to be a narc.

- Well, he has snitch face.
- I do see that.

And that's a fake Rolex.

No, that's... It's a... fake?

What is happening?

- Do you seriously have no money?
- Not until we sell the house.

I'm bumping my commission to 10%.

- I got it.
- Okay!

- Well...
- [drawer opens]

Here you go, Paul.

So, uh... what do I get?

Like, a to-go box, or...

This is for you to sample.

Oh.

No, no. I'm good.
I'm still full from last night.

Don't dishonor me.

Do not dishonor her.

[sighs]

[Paul] Hmm.

[sniffs]

[Trish] So?

How do we feel?

Yeah, not, uh... bad.

- [snorts]
- Mm-hmm.

I'll be right back with your brick.

[Greg] Thank you so much.

[chuckling]

Ah.

What the f*ck, Paul?

In what world do you think you can buy
cocaine with costume jewelry?

Okay, I don't know.
I've never done this before.

I'm actually pretty straitlaced.

Yeah, no sh*t, Sheldon.

Who the f*ck is this even for?
'Cause I know it's not Lydia.

She never even leaves the house.

- It's a long story.
- Well, skip the prologue, Dad.

Okay, all right.

- There's this guy that I know.
- And?

And... he's a menace to society.

- So?
- So I came up with a... a kind of plan.

A plan to what? Reward his inhumanity
with a f*ck' b*mb-a*s time?

No. To plant drugs on him,
to get him sent back to prison.

Well, that is f*ck' dark.
What'd he do, f*ck Lydia or something?

No, but he probably would if he could.

Who is it? Is it a coworker?

[gasps]

Is it your hot neighbor from Rising Tides?

It's my brother.

- No!
- Yeah.

- It's my f*ck' brother.
- It's your f*ck' brother!

[Mikey] Mm!

Always loved your marsala.

I remembered. I also made tiramisu.

So basically, you invited me over
to k*ll me with kindness.

Yeah. Is it working?

Come on, Lyd.
You know my beef isn't with you.

No, I know. It's just that your beef
seems to cost a lot of money.

Well, everybody's got their debts, right?

Mikey, you just got out of prison.

I can't imagine
you wanna keep living this way.

You know, you do deserve better.

Well, I don't know about that, but...

- I'd settle for some tiramisu.
- Okay.

[lively music playing]

My love language is acts of service,
but Larry doesn't get that.

And so you know what? Yeah!
I am giving him the silent treatment.

- What did he do?
- He forgot to pick up my prescription.

And I get it. He's a lawyer. He's busy.

But you know what? I have IBS.

And I will literally lose my sh*t
if I don't get those meds.

- Isn't coke a diuretic?
- [snorting]

Well, I guess we're gonna find out, baby.

[both laugh]

- I love you, actually.
- Ah!

[Trish] Sorry to keep you waiting, boys.

- We're out of bricks.
- No!

- But I have about a dozen eight ba*ls.
- [Greg] Oh!

- Oh. Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- [Greg] Yeah!

- I'll take whatever I can get.
- Come here, baby!

- This trade! Oh my God.
- There, there.

- Oh, cutie!
- No!

- No!
- I'm dying.

Oh! Don't be a stranger, okay?

- Aw!
- Likewise, Mama. I'm so obsessed with you.

- Come on.
- [Trish] Love you, bye.

- [Greg] Let's go.
- [Paul] Boo-boo!

[clears throat]

["Wanted Dead or Alive"
by Bon Jovi playing]

Oh f*ck.

♪ It's all the same ♪

♪ Only the names will change ♪

♪ Every day it seems we're wastin' away ♪

♪ I'm a cowboy ♪

♪ On a steel horse I ride ♪

♪ I'm wanted... ♪

- [barking]
- ♪ Dead or alive ♪

♪ Wanted ♪

♪ Dead or alive ♪

[Mikey] Place is lookin' really... spiffy.

[Lydia] Yeah.

Well, Paul threw himself into
the renovating after Jacob...

Yeah, so...

I think it was his therapy.
Not that it worked.

Right.

My therapy was makin' toilet wine
with a guy named Thumbs.

Huh. "Pee-noh?"

- [both giggling]
- Yeah.

- Oh wow.
- Oh!

- Oh man.
- Oh.

{\an8}- [Mikey] Wow.
- [Lydia] Mm.

{\an8}- [Mikey] Yeah.
- [Lydia] Mm.

It's good to see Jacob again.

You know what's weird? Um...

I think he's still here.

Paul thinks I'm crazy, so...

I don't.

Yeah. Yeah.

- Oh jeez. You and Emily are like twins.
- Yeah.

Well, don't tell her that,

'cause I'm the last person
she wants to look like.

- [Mikey] Come on.
- Ugh.

- You've always been so beautiful.
- [scoffs]

Thanks. [chuckles]

[Mikey laughs] Look at this
f*ck' d*uche.

- Yeah.
- [snorts] With the soul patch.

- Yeah! [giggles]
- No wonder he had no luck with women.

- [Lydia] Uh-huh.
- Till I brought you around.

Okay, well, you didn't bring me around.

- I was going to the Lava Lounge anyway.
- [Mikey] Oh really?

Yeah, um, I wasn't gonna be alone
on New Year's Eve.

- Okay, so you were slummin' it with me.
- [Lydia] Uh-huh.

- [Mikey] Yeah.
- [Lydia laughs]

Didn't we drink, like...


Yeah, 'cause it was Y2K,
and we thought the world was gonna end.

Which it kinda did,
'cause then Paul showed up.

[Lydia] Yep.

And your whole life started.

Mm. 'Cause you made him drive me home.

- You couldn't handle your cosmos.
- Yeah.

Did you ever wonder

how different life would've been if...

[Lydia] If... if what?

[Mikey] If I had

driven you home that night.

[Lydia] Oh!

Whoa! No, Mikey.

No. No. Uh...

- Okay.
- [Mikey] Sorry.

[Lydia] Now this is wet,
so I'm gonna change it.

I'm sorry.

[Lydia] I'll... I'll be back down.

- [door closes]
- [sighs]

[sighs heavily]

[ominous music playing]

Ah.

Ugh.

[line ringing]

Hey, you've reached Paul Morgan
at Morgan Contracting.

- Leave me a message...
- Oh, f*cking Paul.

- Yeah, thanks for picking up.
- [bleep]

[shakily] What the f*ck are you doing?

God!

[quirky music playing]

[doorbell rings]

Hi. Uh, is Lydia home?

Uh, she's indisposed.

Oh, are you Lydia's husband?

f*ck is it to you?

[running footsteps]

Uh, I'm sorry about my brother-in-law.
He's just... being silly.

So sorry to show up unannounced. Um...

Greg told us
that we're out of the running,

and I... I just wanted to apologize,

make sure we... we didn't
get off on the wrong foot.

Yeah, so we wrote you a letter just
about how much we love your house.

- [Leslie] Yeah.
- [Lydia] Mm-hmm.

And we're willing to go over asking.

Oh really? How much over?

Okay. Please. I got this.

Thank you. Very much.

It's really not a good time.

Okay. Thank you..

- Wait, Lydia... Um...
- Yeah.

She's pregnant. Yeah.

- Really?
- What? I'm sorry, what?

- Yeah. We... we just found out.
- [Lydia] You did?

- [Leslie] Yeah.
- Okay. So congratulations.

- And, um, it's... it's wonderful news.
- Yeah. It is.

We're... we're really happy.

Um... and it would mean everything to us
if we could raise our child in your home.

Yeah.

- And obviously, it's your decision.
- Mm-hmm.

But it would k*ll us
if we didn't keep trying.

- I will give this a read. Thank you.
- [Leslie] We appreciate it.

[Sarah] Thank you, Lydia.

- And, uh, not to be this guy, but...
- Uh-huh.

I'm... I'm very connected.

And, uh, if there's anything I can do
to help your family find justice,

I'd be happy to help.

You can't.

Thanks.

- [intriguing music playing]
- [engine starts]

[panting]

[wheezing]

Oh God. Oh God. Oh!

Oh yeah. [exhales]

Really? Seriously?

[wheezes] Oh my God.

Oh. Okay.

I was thinkin'. You're right.

I do deserve somethin' good
for a f*ck' change.

Ugh. Mikey, I... We can't.

[scoffs] I don't want you.

Okay.

I want the house.

Oy.

Come on. Let's go!

[camera clicking]

[Lydia] Mikey, you have to be reasonable.

I'm being super f*ck' reasonable.

I'm the oldest.
The house should've gone to me.

Well, your father left it to Paul,
and Paul wants to sell it.

But maybe when we get the money,
we can help you out.

- We can put you through rehab again.
- [scoffs]

So you can dry out.

I'd rather dry out right f*ck' here.
How about that, huh?

- Yeah. Right here.
- [Lydia] That's... that's not an option.

What are you doing?

Where's the f*ck' deed, Lydia?

- What? What are you...
- Where's the deed to the f*ck' house?

[Lydia] What are you doing? Don't...

No, don't go through our stuff!

Okay, I think you need to go.

I'm not goin' anywhere, sweetheart.

Okay, well, I'm calling Paul.

Give me that.

- [Lydia gasps]
- He can't protect you. You know that.

That's why you called me
the night Jacob f*ck' died.

That's not fair.

It's like you two forgot
everything I f*ck' did for you.

If it wasn't for me, you two
would be rottin' in f*ck' prison now.

Maybe I should give this DA b*tch a call.
Show her my little collection of evidence?

[echoing] Huh? How about that, huh?

And you know
I know how to cover up a m*rder.

- What do you think you're doing?
- [Dennis] Huh?

Wh... what are you doin'?

I'm documenting. We've had some
ne'er-do-wells in this neighborhood.

I gotta stay alert.

Oh no. I... I'm a writer, not a fighter.
No. [chuckles]

Yeah. I'm, um... I'm actually thinking
about buying this house.

So... Hey, buddy. How's...

- [barking]
- Oh! Oh, okay.

- Stop it!
- [snarling]

I'm sorry. He's a little r*cist.

Oh. Okay.

Yeah... yeah,
I don't think dogs are born r*cist.

Oh, he was.
During Obama's second term,

I had to send him
for sensitivity training.

[growling]

I don't think it worked.

So you're a writer, huh?

- Yeah. I'm just finishing my second book.
- It's a tough road.

Especially if you wanna
buy a house like this.

Yeah. Yeah.

You ever meet Dean Koontz?

- [phone vibrating]
- Uh... yeah...

Sorry, that's my realtor.
Yeah, just gotta...

Hey, yo. Hello!

- Wait, what?
- What?

[suspenseful music playing]

[dog barks]

[lock buzzes]

[Greg] At least we know
your plan would've worked.

What do you think he's in for?

Well, he's not a stereotype.
He's a person.

But I'd say double homicide.

If not triple.

I don't know what they were thinkin'.
I told 'em. Told 'em.

Nobody puts Baby in the corner!

[whispers] He's slapping his head.

He's slapping his own head.

How does anybody stay sane in this place?

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Tracy Gordon at Right Door Realty.

- You must really hate your brother.
- I do.

But I don't. I...

[sighs] It's a half-century of sh*t.

It's complicated.

Maybe you guys should talk it out.

Says the guy who's been
avoiding his husband for a week.

Excuse me.
Did I not break the silence today?

Yeah, to ask him to get us out of jail.

Uh, communication is communication.

Are there snacks? Sorry.

There's no snacks.

[Dennis humming]

[Carla] It's so quiet. Where's your mom?

[Dennis] Universal Studios.

She went back?

She got the Flex Pass, so, yeah.

Uh... You good?

I know you made an offer on
that Baldwin Hills house behind my back.

Okay, I was gonna tell you. I just...

Yeah, Keith said
that you offered a million dollars cash.

- [sighs]
- Like, wh... what... wh... where...

Are you playing scratchers behind my back?
Where did you get that kind of money?

I have been working and saving
my entire life.

- Like...
- Yeah, me too. But...

Look, married couples
talk about this kind of thing.

You know, usually,
they make decisions together, so...

Okay, well, it's not usual
to get knocked up on your fourth date

or... or get married on your sixth.

- Uh...
- We haven't had time to even...

We still gotta be honest with each other.

- Okay. You want me to be honest?
- Yeah.

I don't wanna live with your mom.

- Hmm.
- Please don't make me live with her.

Okay.

[scoffs] I... I was just trying
to get the Los Feliz place.

I thought that was the place we wanted.

It is. It really is a dream home.

But let's just do it without her help.

Between my money and your money,
we got this, right?

I mean, any time
you take handouts from family,

it always ends up costing you in the end.

- Trust me.
- Yeah, I respect that.

And you are about to finish
your next best-selling book, right?

Almost done.

- Hopefully, best-selling.
- Mm-mm. Not hopefully.

I know. I believe in you.

Mmm.

[suspenseful music playing]

- [sighs]
- [woman on TV] Oh, no.

What is your problem?

Language! Don't...

[keys tapping]

[Dennis groans]

f*ck me.

[switches off engine]

[poignant music playing]

[sighs]

[line ringing]

[Mikey] Hey. Leave a message.

[bleep]

Hey, Mikey.

Uh... give me a call.

I, uh...

[sighs] I think we should talk.

[door opens]

- [door closes]
- [Paul] Hey.

Ooh, have I had a day.

I k*lled your brother.

["Wanted Dead or Alive"
by Bon Jovi playing]

[song fades]

[quirky music playing]