02x05 - A Home from Home

[bunniefuu]

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no one said it was gonna be easy

nobody said it had to be fair [Music]

all of the chances taken together

and all the changes

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cause we passed the point of no return

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[Music] again cmo's story

certainly part of your traveling salesman in this afternoon

and enjoy barry that's difficult to say already neville i got three spare rooms but it's it's

strictly no overalls no muddy boots no alcohol and lights out by 10 30.

it could be worse it is they've only got double beds so one of us have to sleep with us

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what's the score five knockbacks everywhere we've tried to have a small space of birkens

it's obviously old pringles being on a blower looks like we've been blacklisted by the entire licensed virtual

association of north derbyshire we've not done much better yeah because we tried aren't exactly geared to the

needs of the working man well spark on tradition it's nearby

gentility rules so what do we do now well this contingency plans i am based

same just fought i suggest we try a contingency plan today which is what foster we're in

chesterfield chesterfield that's going to mean a 50-mile road trip look man

we're going to be wrecked before we even get to work which means we're going to be more egg before we get on the drink

which leaves contingency plan 8. which is what moving to the house itself

gets my vote fellas listen listen it's cheap right it's big and we'll have it all to ourselves all right

all right it gets my votes at all i stayed in the pantry one night and survived only just ah it's pretty crusty though

isn't it that's in hell of a state partly due to the fact that we've been knocking seven colours out of it lake

i mean even the rats are pissed off look um i said we give dennis a ring

before eight see what he says i ah leave it to the leader

yeah okay all right thanks thanks a lot

we've drawn a blank course looks like a movement the mana for the moment sorry bummer oh it's not your fault

dennis you're only the gaffer on sight you can't be responsible for any irresponsible act of any death bugger

outside of work right come on

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looks worse at night than it does by deer well it's not too bad once you get inside don't like prison

really [Music]

so [Music]

so [Music]

i found this way should take the chill off the roof you need a bloody blow that plate to

chill out the atmosphere though uh it is true you wouldn't win any popularity contest at the moment look if i've known old art who was going

to react that badly i'd have thought twice about struggling his daughter wouldn't i yes and haven't

had those thoughts you'd steal a g*n and done it not law that's not your rule by wing as

soon as there's a fire in your loins it's a freeze up in your brain if it normally it's only made of sap

isn't it gray's knee from shining a few drain pipes the odd pulled muscle from doing it to

the old bolero at 45 instead of 33. yeah well well look i might have dropped

me mates in it because i couldn't say no to an afternoon a passion she went off worth it well that's some

consolation to us wayne right while you finish your jankas i'll

have a scout around see if i can't find some mattresses and cushions

you'd better decide which one of the 22 bedrooms you're going to lock yourself in

you know i think it's actually colder out here than it is in the fridge take care of it

hey lads hello hello need shopping just got some essential supplies from

the little village store you've got the key for the van there all right hold this man

yeah oh here i've got the receipt for that one now

27 pounds 62p hi that includes the bug rule

ah yes that's better at least one room's happening about

yeah you know i could see a second thing in here but with the dilly country the air

licorice on the far side elegant room you know this could play

this could be project revisited okay reminds me more of all geared revisited

all it needs is a 10 buck and a half hey look we'll get some sleeping bags

and ask you tomorrow that's fantastic yeah you are actually looking at that what's your opinion

with the rest from your win okay all right fine fine look i've tried to say i'm sorry but i can't do much more can i

no but don't go expecting instant forgiveness all right that's all right i told him a few days in the dark house

he keeps his nose clean and stays there he might get some remission yeah but i mean barry sort of likes it

here didn't he so i'm doing him a favor and i'm wayne all right

hey right now can i just have a minute one dennis we're not going anywhere are we

now then uh considering the short notice in which our previous tenancy agreement was terminated your

lives haven't gone too bad to get this place habitable i mean uh i know it's not perfect by any

means but at least it's a roof over your head nowhere as far as the work's concerned we've had clearance to start again

but uh depending on what ali fraser's in mind for the place we have to wait for the architect to cope with the new plans

so uh in the meantime if bummer and oz if you concentrate on the seller um

moxie wayne he might cut the panel in the plaster and it's been ripped away yeah you can start on the electrical nobody neville stop in the kitchen

what's the matter boxing oh hi we've got this uh

you'll blow working forward now you're telling roxy uh yeah well uh as some of you already

know i've got a new identity it so as far as officialdom's concerns

i'm now brendan mullicky

but then all of a sudden out of the blue light call us by the old one you know just to test my reflexes you

know you have any moxie thank you oh sorry brandon

i've got leaders happy band they're across case all right sorry for summoning it oh it's only one

for one night guys man i'll be back with you look tomorrow oh no no you're a governor you're not will you what

i said that even though we're sleeping on the site now we're one travelling

time alright you can tell how he feels a lot all right what if he wants to start charging your rest pulling on his property

hey hey look oh i yeah i've got to take care of your car with me because you're largely demanding i'm sure

nah right come on right i'll be over there afternoon i've

never seen the architect all right sleep well oh hi hey hey get me too hard on him man i

mean just imagine if it wasn't for him though if he's stuck in the bloody my without a pringle

staring down his miserable gob bye drinking freezing cold paint a bit ah

how many games are fives and threes listening to these jukebox and eating these nice fresh sandwiches uh

someone tells me it's going to be stupid [Music]

morning kenneth don't get up tally my son

bit early for you in it i hope an earthquake has not struck carsado fraser uh no no no no no kenny

but as it happens it is property that i would like to discuss with you oh certainly i take it from the

briskness of your manner that is your manner given you concern again it was funny you should anticipate that

kenny it's almost as if you knew about the problems i would have with this host before you sold it to me oh no nothing like that no it's just

that i'm feeling rather perceptive today how can i help you i just had a word

with this architecture mind and he tells me that that is reasonable of limited scope for us to

redevelop the interior of the house provided we do not molest the exterior

it's a bit like having an a*s lift without a facelift in it very good yeah as i'm also reliably

informed that the idea of time-sharing units would be a non-runner as far as a local authority is concerned and as for

your idea of a fat farm well that would be no more generously considered

why don't you threaten to sell it to one of those bagwash religious sex that is who make the council change our tune

wouldn't it look i'd be interested in other more practical suggestions kenny oh we have a dream yeah well let's see

what we can find

here we are just a job private nursing home as they term it retire gentle folk there

you go son sprouting up all over the place they are and that sounds a bit of a change from

my country pads for city slicker's idea uh you're simply going from exploiting

disposable income to exploiting disposable people and actually there's more purse in the ladder

do you reckon that kenny uh what is more turnover of people obviously and the other beauty of this

situation is not only do you get fees from the dhss but also from grateful couples those

grannies you've uh got off their hands okay it's winning a place son

you seem remarkably well informed about almost kenny oh yeah one of these was high on my

investment portfolio before my enforced exile

oh come on ali it's a cinch after your initial building cost your only overheads are for the soup

to walk in frames and an old matron is winter dressing and what council with a heart is going

to turn down building permission for an old folk song i mean i ask you i'll have a word with my mind on the

spot see what he says are you pitching for this son i'm bob's

your own well granddad in this case

oh yeah i told you i was feeling perceptive today

and uh if there was any lingering grievance

now about me which i'm sure it's not about me having sold you this very desirable piece of property

well now we're sweet and we

yes for the time being get it good

you take this regularly then oh yeah yeah i get very nostalgic for the old

country living abroad makes me miss all those

english things you know like the ggs my executive boxer spurs

cold misty mornings and english breakfast to go with him

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uh i thought it was a green goddess for a minute ah i think christian they might yeah get

the lattice shot they tell their first country house breakfast is nearly ready

hey shake your leg you lost grabs up

woke up during the night in me complaining about my snoring

yeah then he couldn't get back to sleep because his owl kept to him so he lifted up his bed and walked

wonder where he went

if i can find them i suppose we'll be the only bloke i know where we can sleep through the smell of what lads

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morning

i told you never to wake me in daylight slain [Music]

well i'll give you a ring during the week yeah i'll have to ring your pet because i'm moving again with the lads tonight

just like old times take care yourself den and you'll take care too you see the

burns get the mile over okay

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so i think the most efficient thing would be to spit off the toe groups a toe

right then one half could take one after the list and the other the other and one can read out while the other gets the stuff

off the shelves tame and motion america yeah this is great me and moxie you'll get to be on

the ball he's talking about the rest i think barry had a slightly more even division of liberty

though did he oh well tough [ __ ] he's looking to get me along on this trip at all i never thought i'd see the d i was

punching the wooden supermarkets

well this is very nice i hope while he's picking up all the bill for this is he uh well i did manage to persuade him

that it would be cheaper for me to rent offices down here than to travel from newcastle every week ah i said he wasn't so obliging towards my lads

we're having a squat at the man at the moment that's the way the cookie crumbles coffee

yeah please milk and sugar two please

is there any uh for molly then ah he phoned from spain this morning he was in a very businesslike mood cool

that's on the contrary he's made a very shrewd decision as it happens

thornley manor is to become an old folks home really it's a bit of a change from time

sharing Fl*ttening it suddenly feel his age like is he i don't know what his motives are

but i do know that the planning permission will be a breeze government grants will be available for some of the work

and once completed the premises will be rate free oh that's sounds like a good hand does that not

only have plans though i mean uh presumably that uh wipes out the jacuzzi and the naughtless gym

and the squash caught in the ball and that left a g*n some alterations will be necessary obviously

oh wait let's have a look at the model

now essentially we'll be altering the balance of the design from sorry night large self-contained

units with some communal facilities to a reduced less private unit space per person but with

larger areas for group activity small bedrooms big bugs yeah that would be the strand of the

redevelopment yes how long is it going to take when you're planning i'll have them by the end of

the week i've done a few of these all these homes before they're a piece of cake really yeah we're growing all the growth

industry obviously is there anything we can work on in the meantime all right well the kitchens

will need to be extended to accommodate mass catering equipment and i should imagine i'll take out that

second stairwell and building a lift always assuming ali uh crumbles the cookie that way of course like

we shall have to see little boxes here

before they get stuck in the littlest boxes of oil

they're saying that once we get sleeping bags organized and a proper rocket for their kitchen we just like germany again right that's

what i'm afraid of whatever deprivations we suffered there are maybe about to suffer again here

there's no denying that sense of communal spirit is there um ah yes bacon uh

it's roundless the best bag b favorite judging by this morning

we've all moved on from there though barium at least we're supposed to have done just another depressing indication of

our lack of upward mobility that we're still here roofing it couldn't be house or no

smart or unsmoked um there are three elite safe arguments

no i think i'm trying to draw a distinction between quality of life and spinach your

progress oh yeah let's get some wood aloft to go with this big haha let's get some flour

and use the guy with this bacon no just to soon have bread barry here will i go back now now

oh when islamiy would be trial after cookery lessons it was very important not to fall into

stereotype role with his others domestic chores anyway one of the things they taught me

was i had to make my own bread and you know something never when they brought my little brown cob

out of the oven handbag mama i nearly cried no now i think i know how

women must feel when they give birth

seriously work this isn't it ah yeah i'll tell you what i'll leave in first you're a strong winner by the b*ll*ts

yeah it's been discussing yeah what's bloody thoughtless even for him

man's got this sense of moderation moxie man has he no no no us

do you think you could stop calling us moxie i'm brendan mulcai now

is that the best you could get brandon mulcahy i mean moxie's are we they don't get

away with that because it rhymes with poxie that's me but i would can i see you as a brendan really let

luna more caggy well i'm stuck with it now i decided a nickname

or a life of constant anxiety waiting for a glove done on my shoulder hold on a minute

fancy appointed guinness brandon

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listen i just got so much on board right i suggested we form a human chain between here and the kitchen right

are you going to fit into that all i'm trying to do is to maximize efficiency and minimize efforts

right so if you and moxie help us with the groceries level and i reciprocate by helping you with the beer don't think i was

understanding the concept of time serving buried too many years being paid by the hour excuse me excuse me but we just happened

to be one jump ahead of you two duck eggs smarter than you ever it's bear we are

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so smart to think so actually

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for special undercover agent old khaki here while's at the first fence doesn't he that's hardly a fair test does

anyone would react to a snake one and no matter what his name was well that's only what the police will do though isn't it brendan

don't expect them to write you let they're telling you when they're coming to see you no no i know you just have to concentrate a lot yeah

they're not you thank you

it's gonna be like that is it huh sorry wayne you can't expect any consideration from us when you show none in return

who is this brendan mulcahy anyway it's moloky buddy that's not my car host

name on the papers yeah i don't know i can't pronounce that though there's a point of everything a forced

name then i didn't have any choice in the matter you know i didn't go to rent a name it was nailhouse and k*ll me

i could hardly call myself it's here but corrupted but she's just as well because

you can't pronounce that either can you where is brendan mulcahy anyway i mean does he exist don't he's just a creation

he's probably a dead man i don't know how he feels see what happens is one mix snuffs it

over then potato land and his family plug his passport now to another mick so he can come over here and work you know

that's not all you might get up to either what you mean the ira bummer hi oreo bombers right you might find the

anti-t*rror1st squad on your teal brandon as well as you owed me plugs you're really reassuring you are us

hello ben's back saving assani someone what's this teddy bear's picnic no i

know it's a dinner break dennis of which incidentally we're happy to have uh 12 minutes left

what's going on then anywhere from any phrase hi as from no lads we're working on thornley manor at rest home for retired

gentle fork ah that's nice and easy

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luck [Music]

every day seems a little bit harder to find the will to win

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maybe tonight the night we get it together

for a way to change

maybe tonight tonight we'll find what we're after

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look what i found here [Music]

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thank you

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is cool they didn't find any priceless oil paintings or racks of vintage wine

down there did you know a couple of the shadow exhibition what are doing me yeah

it's a hard job oh i'll put a couple video videos hi video cassettes you know

because that's what government videos i don't know what volley no it's just thinking you know they might be a bit tasty bear on the mind

that the former owner of these premises was it porn merchants i think we also give them a look at that you know just in case

they're depleted well brandon tough [ __ ] that went in this skip

i wouldn't worry boxy

but i mean we gotta start thinking about what we're gonna do in the evenings now with the barley moles out of balance

but i didn't report again spend my nights looking for a pub we haven't been barred from come on this is jim there's decent work on his

pawn we'll be fancy giving his arm

anyway you still own for them till chunk you lifted out of his stream uh excuse me i would have ordered them for them to trot if i hadn't got to eat

them put the b*stards on them the neck didn't

there's an object lesson in the futility of mankind the last few minutes the conversation would be odd to be oh get to the point buddy william ferris

wants the point the point is it is fascinating part of

the english countryside anybody stretching around like a goldfish in a scoreboard's pocket trying

to find things to amuse yourself for me i mean what about a comment on your imaginations got any suggestions in blue

pillar it's a matter of fact yes i have i was working upstairs in the act you got

having to gaze out the window and spy rather lovely thing aspire now you always know what's under

a spire don't you let me think um a church

not just a church sponder a store of local history a museum of architecture

has got a bar body it's still time we could pop down to the

local shop buy some crayons type and such like and for instance spend an evening brass drilling

well you read about one thing buddy i could certainly take the room a bit of brass than it's

very nice just give me five minutes to reason with him all right great well if that doesn't work give me

two minutes and i'll rip his lungs out

30 seconds to get out or i'll call the police hear me out for a minute please will you look after i know the behavior of if one

of our group has caused you much heartache and believe you me we feel exactly the same button as you do i mean that's why we've we've disciplined him

ourselves and where you would have approved of castration er of the social cane author yes he's uh

he's confined to base he's uh he's in a glass houses you brave fighter pilots mates here that

still leaves the rest of you to make mayhem oh come on arthur look i'm a respectable married man i mean outside

in my van i've got three other men who have done a hard deer's craft and simply want a quiet paint in an evening's

conversation at your fair side as a reward i mean i'm not rapists or thieves

vagabonds is that bus that given in yet

dennis

so

oh

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ian burton no place tomato oh i hope you don't know and i'm just

doing a bit of breaststroke so i see no i don't mind at all

provided you make a small contribution to the upkeep of the church oh yes no no please um

just pop it in the collection box on your way out i'm afraid i should be shutting up the

shop in a few minutes oh sorry come back tomorrow i suppose he'll be going anywhere

oh i see you're staying locally then are you oh thought le mans yeah doing a bit of

restoration work turned it into an old people's farm actually

yes i don't i'd heard it was being done up

i don't suppose your chaps fancy a bit of restoration work on my church do they gratis of course

sorry vicar a bit thin on stone masons in our team now it's an extension you want building

[Laughter] and how are you finding like the banana

it must be rather bleak thank you yes well the evenings look like they're

going to be a bit empty that's why i turn my hand to this oh oh you're the fellas again i've gone out on

the uh on the yeah you know go for a walk you know oh well

if you're all free one evening do pop around to the vicarage for a cup of tea oh thank you thank you very much

i'm sure they'd like that ah right

well um lights out i'm afraid

i'll see you to the door

foreign i don't suppose you've had a chance to

see the ghost yet the ghost oh yes

it appears a couple of times a year i gather

let's listen okay guess what okay tell us you want to pull at the bottom of the garden

and the manager has a pixie and the beer is free for the different servant c*ck now

listen listen thanks to me dipping into local history right i've discovered something very interesting about this house

it's got a ghost but i think it's got its own sleeping bag because it ain't sharing mine

now listen apparently right at the end of the last century the owner of this house discovered an

old tinker chest batting on his grounds right he bludgeoned him to death and now apparently the ghost of this old tinker

st*lks the halls and corridors of this house seeking revenge oh well at least we'll get some spirits in it all right hey

hey there's a fearless barryman will you stalk down the kitchen get a couple of cans of lager you're joking though i suggest from that

one we individually move around this house impaired mate all right

stop it

after that

oh

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so

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me

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[Music] man it was a film and in it steve

mcqueen and faded away seduced each other across the chessboard

well it was a very sexy scene really imagine you might find that we

were uncomfortable all these bits sticking into your bum

we make a move now otherwise i'm going to be here already

yes oh good morning howard yes how are you i'm extremely well ellie

thank you i just thought i'd let you know that our planning application's in and that my personal contact on the

council says there'll be no trouble and i'm very pleased to hear that my new drawings are also coming along nicely

good i just thought that now would be an opportune time to discuss the costing of the materials

i've drawn up three different budgets for fitting the surfaces and other interior details and uh how are they running out at

twenty two thousand forty eight thousand and top of the range sixty five thousand

uh well i think uh howard in view of the revised nature of the premises uh

i think about a wee bit of a pity to waste all your fancy dan trappings on people with one foot in the grave i think we should add on the side of

caution that you heard as you wish ellie but the first figure i quoted is an absolute rock bottom using

the cheapest materials available it's all right i've already laid out enough cash in this project

for my old age so i want no corner left uncut howard do you understand and you

can pass that on to dennis will do incidentally it may interest you to know that he and his lads are

currently staying at the house i don't know well don't mention it just yet then i heard but i think sometime in

the future it might be wise to broach the little subject of rent with them

i was not joking by the weekend lovely look forward to

seeing them there okay all right bye for now then bye huh

my god if they don't always play chess like you should be lucky if you get a good night kiss

good evening uh point of bitter please and a straight glass

i've probably been here before uh i think i was in here one lunch time

uh a few weeks ago now oh i thought i'd recognize you 87p right

uh would it be all right like if i uh took some drinks out to my kids yeah i should think so uh provided

bringing the glasses back and provided they don't break any oh no no they're uh they're very well behaved well what would be um

orange juice five points a bitter please they're growing lads they must be

are you irish by any chance yes i am as a matter of fact brendan mulkoy is the name well you can

piss off i don't surfmix in here

where's the drinks it wouldn't let us have him why not do you recognize your life no won't

serve mex apparently that man's got about as much charm as a

masked grave

london's got a boiler in his mouth no no they're male voices either the ghost

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well i thought we'd have a night in with the old goggle box where'd all this lock come from i've got it didn't i it's the least i

could do under the circumstances as soon as i dropped you a lot in it what's your programming it's uh one of

them tapes that ozone b*mber found i'm not a connoisseur of pawn but this looks like a golf lesson to me

fast forwarded a bit

well this is what is interesting is a car parked a ball you move on it yeah i did take the liberty

of rent in a tape for the evening a bit of a culture delight what is it a stud

i thought john collins would go down well

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[Applause] mistake in it i mean you know they've both got horses in the tight leg yeah well that was a short-lived

pleasure yeah hang on got one more left though let's see what's on this one

hey this is

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oh

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and what are you doing do

call me yeah

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oh [Music]

so

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before you say anything arthur i want you to know we totally understand and we'd probably have done the same in your position you know the wife's done a

runner some top is a bit of crumpets got his legs wrapped around your neck not only are you rubbish but you talk rubbish as

well i'm gonna call the police i wouldn't do that if i were you old son they might be interested in seeing this

remember a little party at forney manor kenny ames and a bird called peewee and his bloke

with a video camera yes mr arthur tiger pringle this is your life

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ah yes it started a while ago

just strangers helpless heroes caught in a dream

boy we made such a crazy team out of luck we

saw each other through laughed it off

back with the boys again

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[Music] back with the boys again

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you