02x10 - Scoop

[bunniefuu]

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no one said it was gonna be easy

nobody said it had to be fair

all of the chances taken together

and all the changes

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passed the point of no return

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man you don't remember what ollie said well still got a job today i know but i wouldn't get tools down there you'll

blow the whole thing we'll take that

really tools since i was a premise you know oh yeah i don't tell me you're sentimentally attached to a spirit level

no i'm talking about ruined man these are irelands they trolled

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oh

it's a british paradise

see more

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this is it

what's all right i like showers very refreshing no well debbie doesn't mad she's not very big sticker nothing

man

oh i haven't changed any money yet yeah look i'm sorry we haven't got any

spanish money will then sterling do of course

brushes

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view we've got here

well this poor experience crawling with brits apparently well sh**t you like that warning yeah i mean

because you've got much more chance of getting topped up by two birds from begging and then you have some spanish senorita you know because our stones

catholics are spanish you know you take one out moxie she'll bring a granny with us a chaperone

of course yeah i respect that lake you know hello um oh no lemon uh wayne and may have

been scouting out the area we're not exactly in the most picturesque part of town but does he the parade according to this

street map glasses this hotel is situated between a bull ring on one side and the abattoir on the

other so i hope they didn't use this place as a shortcut we're coming downtown tonight i mean

it's not going to get too frantic in here is it nice go for a walk we're swinging you're

making a pathetic attempt to chat up the receptionist oh well let's hope she's got a tiny g*n more you're coming dennis

no no no i'm all right even oh well sort of you kind of come on the piss with the lads there but it was your

decision to drag that dart line up i'm waiting for ally's call fans today is very nice it's full of a

local sort of color are you warm enough i think you should have put your long sleeve pulley on you

know i'm not tired at all good afternoon ladies can i buy you a

drink yeah pc this young man's trying to get me junk uh go on first night holidays glass of

wine someone like that no i'll have a large gin with very little tonic

and she'll have a brandy and ginger

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don't come up tonight dennis we've had a nightmare flight that customs took us apart

yeah all right bring the lines up first thing in the morning yeah i'll look i'll give you directions

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here

think you'd want to eat the geriatric ward lovely they're so full of beans i wish i could

get my mother to cover one of these things that would do the world of good this hotel's a bit basic you know if you

like what you would find somewhere nicer oh look don't worry about me i'm fine come on ladies

this way no brenda and i think he'll renting a car smashing you watch his fishing a little

bit more time to spend here because i won't be having any continental holders after this jobs

first why'd you say that back on the door i thought you had your job back home no

it's death i want it but i don't packing it in

should we get a cab to marbella check that out nah i just want to give me pit crystal

more excitement than verdict when i wet some not leonard yeah let's put the lid on this one

come on he's chose that

what i mean is uh doesn't it happens on that chase died does he

i think the castle won the first couple a tuesday i knew this bloke once who k*lled himself on a tuesday

been in here ready

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well it's only one thing to do

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okay [Music]

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we took the left then four brought on to the unmade road and it says here after half a mile the tarmac starts

again right so you go up there when it's the second villa he's got a name

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this must be the one there's they caught a boot they might have gone into town yeah

maybe they're around the back

hello this is all very nice oh the pool's a

bit small in it what yours is olympic size is it the one in your backyard in tilbury

what's wrong with her right got her wrong side of bed did she yeah 17 times do you think i slept with a racket you

lot with me again then seven o'clock them spanish british were back on the jaw where was this about three feet from my

pillar well we don't get that we're all on the other side of ourselves well i arranged that yeah i

did nev well i thought the further away you and brenda and the band were from the larger but oh you know

what sally wanted to do dennis i thought he wasn't supposed to be finished yeah he wants the swimming pool extending in

a terrace built well you can only build the terrace that way after cantilever

he wants a cascade building as well in a brick barbecue oh well we should do that first then we

can have barbecue chicken for lunch every day

well i've got to admit dennis you certainly came up trumps for the boys on this one this is without doubt

the pleasantest building seat i've ever worked on hands down

well that's all the more reason to get in there knowing it ah yeah would that be all right ten can we well i don't know really it's not all

cool is it all right then we're not a bunch of lepers you know it's not as if we're gonna pollute the bloody thing

well even if we're there we'll be pulling the plug this afternoon so admit the zip would be very refreshing

wouldn't it particularly for odd days of graph he's sort of been right overhead sir

yeah and now they've said we should make out like tourists didn't

hey hang on a minute none of us has it's not formal man the egg it is near your intended to be

that's right see this way i'm getting all out of the tank i just dropped that rigging didn't come

out and faint seven britney's dogs oh

what does that belong to i have no idea

is it what's name's daddy to the pool no it comes thursdays yeah you know what they're like

no i'm not he's got that little yellow

car

hey

who's in our pool

good morning never mind good morning can you explain who you are and what you're doing here

oh hold it shut up man yeah you're waiting for mr frazier

yeah oh shut up man will you keep it down is this not his villa no it is not it is

mine oh jeffrey they're all naked well it's not customary to wear the morning sh**t

when you can't wait to swim missus if you're not out of here immediately i shall call the guardian seville no look pal

this has been this has been a legitimate mistake you know that no need to go over the top i mean we're all brits here you're the

type of britisher that caused my wife and i to retire here in the first place

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so where the hell have you be

you guys been swimming well it's a long story like i i think it's my fault actually mr face

was supposed to take a a right but i took a look wrong left hand lovely lovely look get your hairy

asses around the back dennis come on [Applause]

quick

these peoples in your roster they break into your house um in point of fact no but only because

mrs oxlade and i came home and found them in your pool in flagrante yes not in the pool

what yes in the pool in the nude see see it is not typical

in your ostrich i think to show him before you rub a house

uh not as a rule no but there's no telling the chica people these days it's not enough for them to

steal your menu clock they also like to defile your house and there were many of them six or seven

at least half a dozen and i'm ashamed to say they were british i will investigate okay

um well i i hope you're taking this seriously i'd like to remind you what british

riff-raff did to majorca last year they reduced its tourist trade by 62 per cent

she is senior i go where you live i go house to house very well

hold on pauline when is

be nice do you think you could retire to somewhere like this i suppose the best i could have was a

caravan near cleveland overlooking the bristol channel these people would talk to you there boom i'm neighbors and friends

move out here you'd probably wind up next to some people like that a couple that hide us out the pool of the day

and how about trespassing like what before as soon as i seen his face i hear it he's just the sort of person makes you

sure to be english in all fairness obviously he probably feels exactly the same about yeah what well he shouldn't should he because

i'm isn't he is he is every time i see his sort of hairs on me back curl up yeah the

bourgeoisie yeah a prick in my language he's a sort of blood that's sitting a golf club all

day morning and growing up great led us to the papers about how people don't pull their weight and then what does he do when he cops

his pensioner body swerve doing disappearance you know get caught up any tax uh when did you last pay your income taxes

vicky let's bring that over here well y'all take care of that right there you go gentlemen help

yourselves to a beer we're with you just in a moment

mickey i always wondered what our vicky's look like i'm wrecked pathetic look at vicky well we've got

these cowboys around the place it might look better if you didn't go around flaunting yourself who's floating okay do you think that

bikini is the height of discretion can i use to use bigger plasters to cover my pimples yes well you

don't complain as a rule do you well as a rule i don't have seven randy brickies running around the patio

wait there's going to be no point in going out there is there i mean i can't sunbathe i kind of go for a swim because

there's no water in the pool i kind of stop here and play me records because i kind of hear them for the concrete mix the arrangement's not to your liking

just saying is the villa no longer up to scratch well may i just remind you that two years ago when you were a manicurist at maison

andre your idea of the holiday of a lifetime was a fortnight at red car listen i traveled before i met you ali

frieza me and me friend barbara had two successive summers in magaluf oh well in that case oh in that case

why don't you just give barbara a bell see if she still get the tent

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so

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hey i must say nev i'm very relieved you know what a vote

for this country i really like it i've seen nothing of it yet yeah i know that but based on what i

have observed it would certainly do me i mean everyone speaks english so we don't have to learn the lingo

the english papers get here by tea time all the bars sell english ale and the sun's always bloody shining

great i suppose there's worse places for all of us i'm not talking about knowledge nev i'm

talking about the new life what we're stopping on certainly as far

as i'm concerned england's finished someone should stick a bloody great notice on it out of order i have no desire to go back

and watch it going through its death throes this has nothing to do with the fact that if you do go back and slam me in

clink uh that has had a bearing on my decision yeah

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moxie says he's never gotten yet yeah it's not surprising is it he's among friends doing here isn't he

this is where ali english blues is made for you know where this new extradition lock works anybody who's already here

can we get home but apparently soon i can't imagine never seen him again hi

but what you're forgetting is he's never had a home at whom is he in the nearest disadvantage

i mean he's been injured ali's later

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stations [Music]

come on

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when i started

what are you doing here uh tourists but the casioni

you are staying here yeah no no we're at the uh hotel televista

we're uh just visiting for the day friends of the owner ah senior fresher

hi hi si si yeah yes we're uh we're we're old friends actually amigos

oh go back home

why he is missing his siesta uh what's the problem uh senior fraser today i get a report

from people who also live in this area

they say they see seven men in their poor englishmen

they think uh maybe they're thieves

[Applause] it was us but we went to the wrong villa yes um

it's my fault actually because do you know how that strange at right hand fork of their tennis side well i was about to

shut up buddy so we we thought that the villa was

senior fraser so it would just have a swim you know i see so you see sorry the

waste of time capitan uh good time to wait for a drink thank you senior freezer

but not enjoy your holidays

i don't believe you guys your first day in the place and you have already got the police in your case for terrorizing

the neighborhood yes well it has to be said like your streets had names and your houses had

numbers this would never happen would it it won't happen again my pal is the many times i've had to tell you you keep a low profile while you're here

you keep your heads down and your mouths shut

no lunch today make the most of it miguel it's the last meal the paper is paying

for why you say this don't want me back in london my editor

thinks i spend all my time sitting in the sun drinking scotch and looking at pretty girls

i'd have something for you makes a change i've been backhanding you for a month

precious little to show for it hey you look for english i know where

they live where they ate it's not my fault they don't talk to you so have you found one who will

i find sabbath hey they stay at the hotel well

their friends don't see your phrase i see them at this villa

they say they're tourists but i smell them they sit around pool it has no water

i am police in any countries the same i know they hide something

well you never know miguel this might keep me down here another week

i told you to keep your shirt on i know but i took it off when i was pretending to be tourists and i forgot to put it back on

again well you'll suffer in the morning ah i'm suffering now look neville you just have to remember

we're not used to this son can't canny man what have you girls been up to today then well

thank you i'll have another gin she gets worse i wish you could have what you like

you're only young once uh-huh how about you my dear oh i'll just have a sweet cherry please very well you don't want you getting too

high-eyed before our first function right yes that's right thank you no problem

like this idea of having a dos in the afternoon oh really take to that early afternoon's the draghi's part of

the day really isn't there well no plus of course you're foreign aren't you here so you haven't got a class

prejudice site to put up with hey because well yeah i mean back yeah my brother like he's only going to open his gish

and he's pigeonholed with a pleb straight away what about you then well most people can't understand the toss and weird you

say what well i made a slight accent but uh i know a lot of grammar and vocabulary

doesn't know yeah dazzle anybody me hi all right

just arrived have you yeah yeah i couple of dears

under 30 travel club is it ah wow there man let's get stuck on the

same flight holiday is it no well sort of we're

working for what loose lips sink ships

what what's eating yeah yes we uh we are on holiday yes

we're in a club this huh oh yeah what club is that then

it's the wolverhampton undistrict uh aqualong society

long way from the sea wolverhampton oh yeah yes um that's why this annual trip is so

important to us you say oh yes of course for the rest of the year we have to uh we have to make do with the

reservoir don't don't wear lads oh i i will ah the reservoir

some payroll job in sheffield last week any arrests

good i think they're here i think they um came out on the charter

with some our aps look get me a flash down here and give

me another week on this kissing you about there's a new bunch of

british bandits in town and i'm looking at them

mediterranean paper type of siesta you see if you can't work in a bloody mid-day song to what

oh i mean our bodies are just have to adjust i was drinking that bloody thunder door lap i say in the morning

getting dragged with a pitch to come here from the edge out of judgment we didn't

pay for much if did we if i remember riley that bloke leaked out for most of it

oh some brett said he was in property or something oh he's right nosy buster oh hi

you were happy enough to drink a bottle and a half of his brandy so what like doesn't mean i have to like

him yeah enjoy yesterday's panic

i think we should uh post a look out you know like an early warning system now one of the larger lookout where the

rest were draft oh so uh but what'd you do first shift

well i'm good

hello how are you

can i blow me what are you doing here

hasn't your paper got something useful for you to do i haven't found dr mengele yet why don't

you piss off the paraguay want to buy your coffee still deductible am i

all right coffee good job you've done work with a daily mirror in it

oh max was closed as far on desk invested all his money in oxford united i must admit my days here are numbered

well i'm not surprised many old costa doe crime is old pat now isn't it a lot of the chaps have moved on you're

still here kenny you've already had two exclusives with me nick you should be talking to terry

lever don't play ball yeah well his old lady has got a heart of conditioning hamilton

you know he's frightened of her reading something derogatory he said if i uh printed one word about

him he'd rip out my liver and feed it to the seagulls well he must like you then

i mean he can't get quite stroppy with hex i'm more interested in this new lot

come on kenny there's a new chap in town you know it

is let alone seven of them i told you that i was with them last

night until three in the morning three in the morning eh well that must have loose in

their tongues muscle i do know they're friends of alice oh

that team

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hey george

on us today yeah yeah we're there we're just there

i can see what you're doing good job i'm not from the ministry of works isn't

excuse me it how did you get past our lookout i just took the precaution of not waking him up

us get your last up here sorry to throw you a wobbly lads is uh

ali fraser in no no i'm afraid um he won't be back to about four

ah oh well can't be helped i'm uh i'm kenny ames huh

oh you voted me there we turn up your place in england didn't we mind you he

looked a bit different by the time we'd finished with it i hope you didn't destroy its essential character though

oh i love that place you know when you stood in the library look out across the landscape it gave

you a sense of timeless continuity you know i know what you mean yeah

that particular view it reminded me of a constable a bit of a dirty word there in it if it

hadn't been for the constabulary i've still bloody well be now wouldn't i yeah there he is nice one hawkeye

yeah what's up i know i'm done i'm not the enemy

hey you chaps have got your work cut out here haven't you certainly have what are you doing your day off i mean

uh find yourselves a few lives have you i've no time yet really you know i've

got a yacht in the port i mean if you want to pop down on your day off you're quite welcome my pleasure

a yacht of us yeah i mean we don't have to put to see nothing as of us like that we just have

a chin wagon get pissed in the port jay hi sounds great

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[Music] well it might have been sean connery

brenda why's christie

there you go this is more like it you got your lamborghinis playboys

it's a bit yups extravagant for me all of this now now bring izzle straight down here like no

issue um well almost certainly

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you know how often is it that we get invited on board

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what a pretty little girl oh what a gorgeous little girl what's your name what's up

debra oh she's gonna break some hearts one day aren't you debbie

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yeah dennis must be seaster time his son's bloody mother

realized it's a five minute break oh sorry

put your backs into it lads governor's back no wally i thought you'd be in golf tournament

but he doesn't trust vicky not we're weighing around oh danny places sexual ego and he's further

didn't expect to see your bucks early an english peeler you've got there

that's right i got an english paper something i'd like to read to you here boys i don't want to take up too much of your valuable time if you just gathered

around please thank you right are we all sitting comfortably

then i'll begin spain's costa del crime is still a haven for the growing band of

brits who scotland yard are quote anxious to question kenny ames 47

who persists in denying that he was britain's king of porn continues to sun himself on his luxury yacht in marbella

that sounds like the one where you're honest no doubt his companions newly arrived

from england are business associates

hey that's sauce hey look at that some less bread i'll see much better pictures are made

in that one though what's brenda's folks gonna say dennis read on i spoke exclusively to

the new arrivals in their luxury hotel you know what they were revered about

their reasons for being in spain one of them claiming that they were members of a wolverhampton aqualung

society research has shown that no such club exists

meanwhile please continue their search for the g*ng who pulled off the daring pier rule robbery and sheffield last

week and wrote that rubbish yeah nick wheeler

wasn't that geezer that was buying while the booze in the barley then he called nick i was yeah what's your idea keeping a

low profile come on that story is a lot of bollocks i know that and but now half of fleet street knows that in their effort to

discredit their story they'll be down here buzzing around you like flies or in a jam jar well just tell them we're ordinary

gadgets working on my philosophies well that's precisely exactly why i'm trying to avoid my friend

oh i'll see you wait a minute wait a minute i mean we can still be ordinary gadgets just down here on holiday just have to

make it look convincing that's all and how do we do that dennis well uh

you better give the rest a week off good heavens look at this

i'm not at all surprised i nearly had to look at them i sometimes wonder if worthing wouldn't

have been a better idea ali ali why would i want to embarrass you know kenny i wake up every morning

and ask myself the same question if you wanted to draw attention to my situation you could not have stitched me up better

you weren't a mark stein i wanted to rubbish that nick wheeler he's been the right pain now his credibility is down to pam

they'll always house back to fleet street which would be a great relief to me and terry lever in the rest of the gators and have it to lay my lads off for two

days until the heat dies down well i can see that's a bit of a pain here well you could help a bit kenny

you could help to reinforce the impression of the art tourists huh you could invite them back in your yard

are you kidding have you seen how much that like drink

yes oh this is our place somebody was telling us about there's a lot of

brits hanging in here we have a goggle in there anyway anyway let's just get out of this

three glasses here san miguel let's start off with please pour five more you know lionel i need some of the

sheffield yeah we're gonna get a lot of that in the next few days

all right so i'm serious saw them i mean was liable what the written appearance you know ain't getting a lot of money

you know so people might even get a yacht massage yeah they cover themselves they've got teams

will always check it all out nice i never said anything directly but we still get the stigma

the guilt by association right well it settled it you know as far as i'm concerned i can't even go back home now even if i

wanted to today oh piss off you're the only bugger neighbor you could recognize on that

picture look man you got them stupid bloody here we ate that bins on

you'll read it they're back there yeah august that'll be six hundred percent

but uh we've gotten enough trouble lately we're accepting drinks from strangers no jerry motive mate just seeing your

picture in a paper aren't we like yeah i think let's stick it up here of all the other stuff i'd

they see quite frankly this has all been a great embarrassment to me actually

you see i don't believe in this unhealthy glamorization the criminal paternity no i'm a law abiding taxpayer

actually i have no desire to be lumped together with the kenny iams and teddy livers in

this world i mean behind the facade of their luxury visitors and they're blonde lady friends

you gotta remember something they are despicable paper as far as i'm concerned so they're sit back to england

serve 25 years playing on servitude departure it's better for all of us well that's a that's a point of view of

course and very well argued oh thank you very very tight

cherry cherry leather

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boy we made such a crazy thing

back with the boys again

different reasons left just leaving splitting up and going on solo

chasing circles and getting nowhere

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sharing chances of taking all

back with the boys again [Music]

you