05x01 - Au Revoir: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

now

shred anything confidential don't leave anything behind

one piece of pan luggage eating keep it

light

stuck we should have plastered the annex by no i reckon this riot's cosplatodius

no point worrying about things you can't control then i hope it's over shortly this game's cost me 300 pounds

i'll raise you antenna

bollocks he's bluffing pay to find out

can i get through to brenda why would you want to what well i mean ringing her now of all

times what are you going to say to her i love just thought i'd give you a call we're all under siege here

surrounded by bloodthirsty machete-wielding insurgents how are things and jasmines don't live

in jasmine moxie's right man you're just gonna put the wind up on [ __ ]

pressure is mounting for the president to resign and prevent further bloodshed in a conflict that has already k*lled

dozens of people and paralyzed the capital oh my god what did

i say from the outset i said africa no no didn't i oh you did buddy and more than once since we've got

you south africa possibly cape town yes all those golden beaches and jet skis but you don't touch the middle

k*ller ants infected monkeys armed insurgents well they're turning on us we ain't done

nothing residual resentment nice i still see brits as neo-colonialists i

storm it air but she gets you on the telly doesn't it there'll be some wild-eyed bullock with the ear k 47 right there talking to the

world's media charms now they're chucking molotov

c*ck tell them i want mine on the rocks

better scramble lads grab only what you can carry we're mustering in the conference center what's happening exactly evac local

militia bringing in choppers evac chop this 30 blackhawks out

i'll bring the declan really long wheel back why is it getting ugly out there they're trying to ram the perimeter wall with a

big garbage truck they'll never get through that man we built it

i see you again hazel are you sorry yes i mean you've always been very civil

you know i quite like you when you first got here i thought you

fancied me did you the way you looked at me

couldn't wait to get me under the sheets i thought mosquito night you mean whatever

what held you back what you mean you would have been up for it

big strapping jordy single barney uncomplicated

just what a girl needs in a secretorial [ __ ] hole ah you're the ambassador i mean we're

moving different circles didn't we you're upstairs with the sherry in the soviets i'm hunting the yardley and bricks we're

interested in building us julian but is it

[Music] [Applause]

yeah just the essentials bush and dysentery pearls i've been up in a chopper before and

then a hot air balloon once with brenda and the girls we're going up look at b*mber castle with wind changed

i'd make an emergency landing at mote with mental hospital

the wind doesn't change the deer

times like this make you think about life doesn't it think about what might have been should have done this should have done

that should have taken this turn should have taken that ten the perimeter wall has been breached

should use rebar names

pull your people together paterson almost

i'll get the second one

oh

[Music]

[Music]

sorry to bother you you always just told me it was he should have been here by now osborne he arrives to deal remember

[ __ ] well i've got to tell transport to pick him up

oh dear he's not going to be very happy after flying off your own world oh let's just turn them on with beer

it'll take more than one pet

all right [Music]

hey sorry pal i should have been sweeter to meet you now but it was a bit of a cut or poor

bloody outrage the distance i've come i've got any local [ __ ] as neither whatever they are kept

precious look like that on the airplane no no that's the local money i'm sorry i saw it

how are you feeling like well not too clever enough i haven't packed my mouth neither is this a rainy season i've been raining

for about a month a month when's a joke this stuff another month however then elizabeth be

pleased to see you hi hold on what's that what

that picture over there with the shield the kangaroo ostrich on oh that's an emu russian this is the

australian embassy we don't have one in laos well what are we doing here

come on it's coming well what it's like a loan you know the brits are doing them some reciprocal fever

what we are taking orders from australians

let's get inside here [Music]

saw your saw from the arsenals i'll bet i

[Music] [Applause]

all right is this all i'm done i can't say i've been missed well a bit of a short time did you know

you've been away on bummer cause he's still in arizona ah family stuff you know

feeling good oz tips off well not really moxinia it's a bloody rough flight from london yeah you just got to sit there

for 14 hours after the operation and everything hi

look i'm sure you all had a bloody good luck when you heard that taking heart but tony shrapnel looked me a*s

but i don't particularly want to hear any more about it all right some shrapnel jokes like

hi was it worth it was what was it you know i'm on the shag

in the cupboard a week in the hospital amongst physiotherapy and a pulverized rectangle

on balance i didn't think it was but you're all healed up in that in a way someone's opponent the doctors did a

fantastic job cracking in fact look at oh hey there's nobody

[Applause]

this is yours yeah i guess this is some sort of ritual you'll do when you get back together again isn't it

yeah oz was just showing us his scars yeah got these injuries in africa on our last job dangerous work bricklaying

who are you nami hedges she's a shape manager hey i'm sorry about c*ck-up with your

pick-up you mean more government's a woman oh yeah you got a problem with that spot

no no as long as you're not going to put the dumper on farting and belching and swearing and telling the occasional filthy jew

maybe you could tell me a couple i haven't heard before

[Music] she's a feisty lassie they're not good

about that is anybody's shadow nah she's married us spoken like

recreational zero unless you like [Music]

temples

[Music]

this is you and this is us barry thinks it's very zen what do you

mean nowhere to sit

what's that yeah there's a few of them about uh they don't bother you you know

well they do bother you but they're not fatal and uh they only come out when it's raining

i'll catch you later

[Music]

[Applause] [Music] uh

[Music]

polly busting to see you mate oh [ __ ]

what time is it almost six i thought i better wake you up i wouldn't sleep tonight house

have the lord's not knocked off yet any minute do you want to be no here won't get you one then cheers

oh it's a local bro it's not off bad

all right so whereabouts oh exactly buddy i didn't

even know what could be i mean ah you're in laos to the west costa mekong river thailand cambodia to the

south vietnam to the east wyoming reckons it's a pretty enough place that's what you're looking for i'm

surprised waiting out what i'm looking for yeah look at the trouble it's got you into

how is the uh posterior tender what what actually happened uh oz i mean

the reports are a bit sketchy the mob got hold of a couple of mortars blew the bloody roof off

so i threw myself on top of the last very good land was i but it meant me jackson took the

brunt of that expl*si*n no thanks i got mine no mentioning dispatches or will believe i want to go yeah i should

imagine it's put a bit of a dampener on your sexual activities well wyoming reckons there's not much lego over here to begin with there's a

bit of a dough tonight at the emphasis why not be a barbie will it then be

it might be a bit more cultural than that actually but it'd be a blast though

sorry i forgot me in field [Music]

is this sort of thing compulsory good to see yours it's only once a week

what's doing my next week the art of gold thread embroidery

[Music] it's the reenactment of the warlike ceremony of the kimu people

[Music] i thought as much

[Music] who's the bird talking to moxie oh

either quite polly actually my name's elena visa section

seems like a nice woman fancy's moxie either paired off in the ping-pong tournament

the rich defense the ancient name for laos was lang zang means a million elephants

so on new year's eve do you think they sing old langsang

he cracked me up you do

[Music] you in the australian boiler oh is that

good oh very well yeah you see some men are born seducers like you us

i've always been a blunderer for the first time in my life i'm following the right courtship

circuits you've read that somewhere i have yeah

scientists learnt it from fruit flies fruit flies yeah they follow this complex ritual and

if they deviate from it they don't get to mate

[Applause]

wow you guys are really going for it anyone would think you want to get out here oh

i can't wait but i'll be in here a fortnight it feels like six bloody monk yeah well before you go

i still reckon we should take you on at some kind of contest given the sporting rivalry between our two great nations

i've made a list here seven aside rugby five aside soccer cycling swimming

volleyball basketball rowing or track and field

your choice boys dominoes come on mate you got to put a little bit

more into it than that you know give us some thought 200 quid to the winners

great all right all right i'll buy your own drinks my first night in bangkok oh you

want to stay away from those fleshpots boys that'll get you in all sorts of trouble that's the general idea naomi hey

i've heard it's full on down here you know rampant rum and what naked bar girls riding on pools

well i don't think it's exclusively poles they arrive on there but i'd like to think they do a bit arriving on ritzy

well deserve it after what we've been through huh forward just but with english winter recreation goodbye

recreational sources out thank you very much the trip on the eastern orient express

took me right down to the ground that will for the gracious living oh what is that well it ain't cheap man

so it's the orange express [Applause] sounds very funny

mystery and intrigue with a hint of sexual promise like stocking women with long cigarette

out is that in the [ __ ] why would you want to cuss it yourself on a train full of knobs and monkey

suits because if you remember us i was a person with substance once

a man of taste and refinement before my life went down the [ __ ] out

i think i just started to remind myself of the man i used to pay

thank you god i needed that yeah we picked a sport yet for when we

take on the aussies know that they've suggested you're saying the size of them i

just want an excuse to humiliate us it's a national obsession with them i wouldn't want it to be table tennis

why not you're a dab hand at that i know but i was elaine's partner wasn't i if i had to play against it i'd feel

very conflicted i'd find myself holding back on me spin safe getting serious right is it

put it like this stan i wouldn't want to be on opposite sides of the net

these ping pongs indoors

one thing i could always do was drink like that's not a sport then it's a recreation

challenge to the manhood

[Music] you really fancy this trim business yeah

i'll do us three days two nights bangkok to chiang mai

do you know how to get all tied up for it no problemo bangkok's knockoff city in it a couple

of fake prada suits and phony gucci luggage oh look the bay's nice

we what you just said we buddy have you been

chatting up some australian boiler no no

well assuming you're not telling us between ourselves like yeah as always

when i got back to the uk from africa i got a call from tatiana oh from russia i'll bet you

reverse the charges now she's in the uk now she's a beauty therapist in the fat farm just outside

gotten me anyway she wanted to have a chat feelings of remorse etc etc you know

so you went wrong there yeah they they did a special midweek deal yeah tuesday to friday half price i lost

six pound actually on a revolting diet of yoghurt and wheatgrass with trousers

expressions of regret some tears did you slip out of length oh

on the last night in a room next to the colonic wing how romantic it was very passionate

anyway the thing is we kept in touch and a couple of weeks ago she suggested

when work was finished here we should go on a vacation together hence the orient express

she hurt you really bad you know buddy can you not remember yeah i know people change don't know you

know they move on hopefully

i wish you were coming with me now that would be nice i finally had a lighter friend of your arm oh i couldn't shock on a move entry

in no resource

[Music]

i fancy what i had the first time we'll come here reminded us of a chill me and i once had a darling but i

can't remember the number it pitches us i'm gonna tell you note them look like bypass operations

i'm sick your death noodles me tell you what as soon as i get to them classic english meal for me

what's that london pizza or kebabs either as long as there's chips with it

what's down with a pint of valpolic cheddar eh oh brenda there hi

i'm great pet no no no no it's a good time yeah we'll just get more dinners those

things some things never change eh no matter where we are in the world keep a good hope top them out every spreader

will always get through no mobile phones when we start you know you know no no text messaging no emails no video

games either you guys been at this a long time aren't you hi since jesus played level back by

bethlehem united all right that's right but for one of us

i'm afraid it's time to call the deer

he's not coming back he wrote us a letter he said he kind of keep dragging his arse around the planet you know he's

found a reason to steer warm two of them and the boy he's 13 now

well won't be the same b*mber there he's been on board since d1 we've

got a second chance tonight hi family roots

i mean relationships change things you know brenda sends her love she's fine she's done this

den's just dropped a bombshell never b*mber's jacking in and he ain't coming back

he's serious he is i he says if i pick up a hammer in a saw again

it'll be to build a shed at the back of the house every englishman should have a shed even if it's in the middle of arizona

i want you to read this letter to the lodge when you're all in a bar then i want you to drink to the past

into the future [Music]

yes to them you steal your b*mb b*mber god bless him

b*mber you lucky kid right i suppose you

yeah this might be an appropriate time to say that i've been having similar thoughts myself

or building a shed no no calling it a day

what well you know i've been seeing a bit of this elena from the visa section

the ping-pong job i would have put it oh they got a thing going on even people of

our age can be headstrong and impulsive for cupid's arrow to find its mark

oh look what cupidzara did for you cost you your health your house and your money i'm not

talking about me are we oh we're not no we're talking about me

anyway what i'm trying to say is over the weeks our relationship's burgeoned

she's the first woman to show an interest in me as a man she draws me out of myself is that wise

mox sure i i'm being serious anyway she's taking a spot of leave and

she's got this condole down in brisbane said i could stay with her and i'd love to see australia

we're halfway there after all no sounds a good idea mox we could all use a break after this gig

uh it might be more than that i think i've reached that point where i want to park

me travel can you not do sugar here in syria i

don't think that's what it meant it's not no i'm talking about putting down roots

like bombay hell's bollocks and then there was five

[Music] ready to order

nice work lads you've earned the undying gratitude of the commonwealth of australia

and i'm sure you'll appreciate how difficult it is for me to say that to a bunch of whinging ponds fair deuce we only mentioned the rookie

world cup about a dozen tapes we'll see if we can extract suitable revenge tonight you blokes decided what sport you're

going for [ __ ] bullseye new one on me i want a kick-off [ __ ] o'clock

friday am i see you then thanks guys thanks again let's go

good job now thanks mate no worries hey i'm coming with you i've got a

ticket for the orient express i've heard hi i've got this fax scene i had a cancellation

so i run it past brenda she thinks it's a great idea i think she'd rather have us on a train with you barry than

on the loose in bangkok with those um

it's okay isn't it i thought you'd be like glad of the company he's got company

never hey you never said

no i didn't no sorry no no but it's true yeah um tatiana's coming with me

tatiana ux yes yeah we've had a sort of repression

oh so it's like a second honeymoon oh now i feel even more of a wallflower

and it's non-refundable no no it must come with us no that would be fine honestly we got to

have you honestly that's a good idea you good alone really

well yes because if she does his heading again he'll have somebody on board i have a paint with yes thank you yes that's very positive

alright ladies and gentlemen the rules are very simple around the clock darts you have to get a

one before you move to a two two before you move two three three before the first two have to get to a twenty you gotta get a

double a treble and then a ball to finish but there's a catch if you don't score

you have to do one of these last man standing is that it yeah or woman um hey is it all right if

we drink beer chasers uh what that's optional pet yeah four carbons mate

these people are serious here we go it's that's it that's the games

come in off you guys cliffy can i have one of these first very serious i'll i'll have one m*ssile

as well just she's got a steady meaning

you're not drinking barry oh now this is one of the early night of booze darts and vomit hope

albert doesn't get too pie-eyed oh moxie yeah no i'll never think of him

as albert someone's been moxie to us always wilbur mom moment i saw him i thought he was an album

[Applause] it's very nice that you two are uh burgeoning

over the past few weeks we realize how much we have in common like what well it's a table tennis we

won the cup who gets to keep it we're still talking about that

and i'm teaching him bridge and we like walks in the rain well there's not much choice out here

[Music]

dude [Music]

us now

[Music] [Applause]

which board because i can see three

[Applause]

[Music]

rest on your shoulders

[Music]

[Music]

me [Music]

[Music]

hi hello uh didn't miss tatiana taylor check in last night yes sir she's in room 1272 127 so thank

you very much all right fellas hope bangkok is up to his reputation check the station there you not look

like night at a living dead i feel worse not you should hit the streets check out some action

i'm gonna check out the bed get some kip now is this just the hangover or the

awful knowledge you let your country down last night you're pushing your look off paint

buddy hello please

[Music]

this is uh nice [Music]

so uh a good flight over fine

and yours house bit bumper yeah

vlad's are suffering this morning yeah i got hammered last night not you no no i wanted to be bright-eyed

bushy-tailed for the trip

do you see any difference um i'm not sure uh

put a few pounds on maybe but it looks good on you never was much of a kite moss man

i'm k*lling your child

they're all so friendly everyone's smiling oh and i've got a lot to smile about in their mocks weary

i'll be back for you later ladies [Applause]

happy ending people here not far the best in bangkok

no come on come on you never realized it was so in your face

well it's outrageous isn't it hey guys why don't we just relax and check out one of these bars apparently some of these girls do like amazing stunts you

know what i'm saying oh hold your horse's mouth to middle of the afternoon yeah so well i don't fancy a pubic

ping-pong ball in the eye not in broad daylight

you guys got some standards you know [Music]

this is

i like to get up nev very somerset warm the suit will probably crease i mean

very expensive and increases and i only paid 10 quid for this level no one will ever know that every single

thing you're wearing is a fight except you're nowhere that's born of fighting marks and sparks

hey 45 quid for a rolex i can't believe it yeah i'm very true for me bulgari

actually what time you got yeah that's four

past this twenty-two one oh okay so where's tatiana oh she's in our state

cabin um lev um i just wanna have a word before you see her fine why um she's pregnant

pregnant who's the dad mate you how

the usual way you haven't been with her in nowhere for years i have five months ago one reckless

condomless night in gotten inc it checks out to the day mate oh [ __ ]

i know i'm going to be even more in the way than ever no no i'm glad you're here i'm going to need a mate to talk this through with

here it is

i shouldn't have eaten hey you should have eaten dumplings from a street store man i told you that at the time

i thought something spicy made burgers up you know usually worked maybe a boat live what's

the wrong idea if you're feeling queasy oh cheerful deer

what is it it's a dead dog floating by probably just having a swim oh it's got

all his four legs sticking over the air

man how am i all right but it couldn't have

k*lled anybody

[Music]

where are we yes what can i get you for drink sir

what once richard i think uh another bnf why not

so how do you feel about this news well it's a whole roller coaster emotion

actually then despair apprehension anxiety

euphoria it's a bit like watching england play i mean even if you two don't get back

together you're gonna be a father man you're gonna have a bed that's that's brilliant

i'm not too old i mean how about in a few years time when i pick it up from

school well the other kids think i'm his bully grandfather of course not man i only had calista four years ago

change is part of life barry and part of the excitement life is never

knowing what's gonna show up next

good lord neville hope

i know you too did i um barry barry tyler yeah do you mind if i join you

yes i think we do actually

so what happened to you after the cuban fiasco it was only a fiasco neville because he stuck your nose in where he wasn't

wanting i thought you'd be in the nick it seemed to have landed on your feet though

well having a tarnished reputation isn't the worst thing in the commercial world

jonathan aikens back teasing the headlines archer still gets a good table at the ivy charlie brockett well he's a national

treasure since he went to the jungle with johnny rotten yeah but you're not a public figure

you're a spy who betrayed his country please don't be so

daily mail [Music] you've obviously done terribly well how

jermaine look where we are this is how did the works out into cleethorpes

nice suit level another day was a knockoff [Music]

neville good to see you do you still hate me i hope not things

are now different why i can say that [Music]

and who is this talk when talking pierce i'm tatiana but his wife ex-wife

who knows thank you

[Music] so you have just met

no he was with us at the embassy in cuba he was a spy so your peers brosnan

closely related no he isn't he's a traitor and a scoundrel really

oh i can't wait to hear all these stories you must have dinner with us uh delighted

[Music]

[Music] enjoy

hi see girl your life yeah i really look to be honest with you but

no like her beautiful young oh hey that's pretty true very true i

it's for an arsenal you know milner a bit of a cliffhanger [Music]

some champions in here mate yeah this is just a sports bar i'm very

tempted but would it constitute infidelity with elena life hi on the other hand it helps the

economy doesn't it because most of the girls come from a country and they send the money back to their families

would that assuage me deals no no no you're right thank goodness our

hotel's got to karaoke bar you are not going up

i'm not venturing too far from that bug well i'm cutting out with these dudes on me i know i wanted them from london small world and anyway listen feel

better catch you late see you on yeah see you mate

he'll be the next one for the walk that's only natural money needs to be with people you do on the edge

oh he's still like his mother got weirman's mother our barry's getting on oh he'll be

outreach he'll be shoveling the caviar dude no no i mean with his ex because if you'd suffer tatiana again he

won't want to be back on the tools will he you wouldn't leave here at all with him open

you realize what's happening then don't you it's over [Music]

it's all over watch all over the team the outfit the chaps

whatever you want to call it us the things changed man

they point them either on your a*s hold it yeah you'll always get wet you're missing the point man i'm not

talking about the graft i'm not even talking about the cash talking

we are large is history

[Applause] [Music]

not much of a mystery i'm afraid just business i'm in bed with some people who have a project in the north with some

thai money bank in malaysia what sort of project hotel and spa for the uh connoisseur

i work a place like that really yes i'm beauty therapist you should try

my shiatsu people always ask for me again i'm sure they do tatiana so um where

exactly uh uh is this a place where just north of chiang mai a little opposition from

local hill tribes some long bandits are kicking up a fuss but uh nothing a decent bang shouldn't sort

out only would be your speciality i suppose [Music]

it should be spiritual good for a soul as well as body absolutely in this day and age you can't get away

with giving hunters just a posh bathrobe and a five-star chef they want yoga classes meditation rooms our place

will be more deep like chopra than michael winner is it built not yet oh

angling for a bid are you never no way none of us would trust you again as far as it would spit you were obviously a

very bad boy never denied it it wasn't just nick and petty cash and seducing

typists although i did his fair share of that what i've heard you strung me along you fed me a partner

lies you even had me abducted excuse me lobster and caviar

enjoy your meal boys let's try to get priorities right do you see we're

civilized people eating beluga and lobster on the world's most romantic train this is more important than some silly

history between you well said tatyana now um should we do another one of these

or um would you prefer a mantra check

[Music]

morning lads oh yeah hey still making your mind pal feeling

one this morning what is that alive i'm not sure

good night what are you gonna upload last night got a couple of options this afternoon the snake farm got a crocodile ranch or

you can forget that i've got a word with a concierge and i'll tell you where we are growing up without a beard

a black house i've had a bath oh not like this you haven't and there's no

treasure b*llet this is an upfront vip establishment

yeah sure yes i'm sure listen down at my age i've made

intention to join the legion of sleazy punta's trolling the bars of bangkok

this is a therapeutic spa not quite what i had in mind i mean we

come all the way to bangkok for what a pedicure it's better than that kid they've got beautiful women

what walk up and down on your back do they take their shoes off first

[Applause] oh look

what a surprise running across you chaps i um i hope last night healed a few wounds

well the champion is very gracious talking thank you very much what are your plans taking one of the tours no barry's seen somewhere else in

the guidebook um uh how much are these uh it's a revered shrine oh the uh what do you get spectacular

murals tatiana it's been an absolute joy

my card do keep in touch once we're up and running who knows you

might bring your shiatsu gifts to our establishment you should be raising a child she won't be able to thank you

oh he's with me so possess him to live yeah here we are oh thank you

[Music]

darling [Music] i'm not sure you should risk those steps

tatiana actually maybe we should just explore the gardens i should have a hat

oh yeah take this now i'm gonna find no no i'm gonna buy some souvenirs for brendan again oh

geez [Music]

just like old times huh i don't recall is ever visiting a buddhist temple tatiana

temple to fashion maybe a shrine to heart couture

how do you feel about us well i don't know

i mean flirting's a way of life with you isn't it i mean look at you last night with darkwing

i was just trying to make nice for all of you well i'm not rushing anything not until

i've seen me shrink in the uk what you you talk about me to that person

yeah of course i do you're the reason i go i mean i just managed to step for the

tie to codependency and you'd turn up with the b*llet in the oven i would have burned your body

i need just take some time i'm sorry

look i know i know you came through for me but being in that russian nick was my

darkest hour well no he was a cuban one maybe again

arizona with no picnic how does this always happen to you

you go somewhere you get locked up i've asked myself a million times daddy honor

[Music]

buddy [Music] go there but there is good background

oh yeah

[Music] oh it was no good wait dad i changed

film [Music]

buddy bye scott

[Music] buddy

[Music] buddy

[Music]

do you want a big bird all together yeah no no no i'd rather have a bit of

privacy you know i'd like a really strong massage you know

well i've had a lot of lower back pain

flip-flops this is the business we cannot leave without him we have to go i'm sorry if it go it'd go

without us no yo fighter now

well we travel the world living in pitts drafting my bollocks off and then the

great brittany in this guy says well doing lads he has yet to pay off

see the rights square some more that wendell in fingernails

they don't look like pedicurists and how would you know have you ever had a

[Music] pedicure

well was this on the menu i don't think it was kid no but know

that yeah it would be cheerless to pelt the mood bad manners

i hope that's not your hand moxie

quick get on the top what what it's barry i think he's been taken

hostage by these humong bandits you are well if the one who runs him

meanwhile it's an itchy engineer i'm serious man the reckonings got nabbed

[Music]

you wish to see husband again 50 000 that is deal now that they're treating me all right

actually but we're not leaving until we'll get you back in cold or not you know price bloody hell

just keep it perfectly still

as hot school i reckon we've hit rock bottom with this one [Music]

buddy you gotta apply snow is it nice to my friends and me you know we're not

rich men [Music]

saw

you want to move us we are still put i k*ll you

[Music]

so [Applause]

[Applause] you