Hi, if you were thinking
"Wow, I'd like to see more whimsical
stand-up from a large Irish bald man"
then you're in luck
What follows is a set that
I recorded as part of
Jack Dee live at the Apollo
on the 6th of July 2005
When broadcast, it received
twenty seven complaints in Ofcom
I know this, because I met
a guy from Ofcom at a party in Belfast
This is fifty thousand less complaints
than Jerry Springer the Opera, by the way
It's really on the DVD
cause it contains two of my
all time favourite routines
the doctors on safari routine
and the by now legendary
Catholic and Protestant
mixed marriage routine
Enjoy
Good evening, good evening,
hello Hammersmith Appolo
how are you, good to see you
Ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Dara O' Briain
It is a delight and a pleasure
to be here among you
always a thrill to be in London
always a thrill even to be in England
I'd have to say
which the Irish, you know
with the whole tension over
the years and all that, you know
which is predominantly
your feckin' fault, but nonetheless
Even in the midst of that,
I have to say, I've been living here for a while
you're good people, ladies and gentlemen
you're fantastic human beings
and may I say, from the heart
English women
are sluts
I don't mean that as a bad thing, alright?
That's not an insult, right?
I grew up with Irish girls
who are the greatest girls in the world
but Jesus, the level of negotiation
with an Irish girl.
Do y' like that, does that feel good
Oh! I imagine how good it would feel
if you took off
the feckin' jeans.
Now
the only time I've ever felt any tension
on the whole English-Irish thing
was once, right, in York, right?
I was at York Model Railway Museum
which is in a little building
outside the train station
- if you've got thirty minutes to k*ll
in York sometime,
go in, have a look, little homey [?] trains
going round on track
it's all very sweet, and twee, and lovely, right?
And I went into the place
and I gave your man me money
and I was about to go into the museum
and I turned to him and said
"D' you mind if I leave me bag
behind the counter?"
And your man looked at me, and said
"I don't think so"
"not with what your boys have been up to,
for the last thirty years", right?
And you're going, A] they're not my boys, right?
And B] even at their most craven
I don't think the IRA ever said
"D' you know what will really break
the spirit of the English?"
"If we blow up York Model Railway Station"
"Oh! They'll be out of Northern Ireland
by the end of the week if we do that!"
And I express this to your man
relatively forcefully
and your man just kinda goes
"Well, since 9/11, we have to be extra careful"
You're York Model Railway Station!
I don't think Al Qaeda are hatching any evil plans at the moment
to break into the building at night
and fly tiny airplanes
into all of the exhibits.
It is a joy to see you - I'm enjoying to see you all here and of all ages
what age are you guys?
Eighteen.
Eighteen. Look at you
you Cherub-faced feckers.
How many people here will be eighteen, nineteen, twenty
that kind of age
How many of you are here?
And how many of you will be thirty or older?
Sorry lads, watch me work the numbers here, right?
The young people just get in your tit.
sashaying around, going
"I'm young, I'm young"
"I'm fit, I'm healthy, I'm beautiful, I'm young,
I'm gorgeous, I'm fantastic, look at me I'm so young."
Right? Get on my nerves, ladies and gentlemen.
There's more of us, for Christ's sake!
But this culture's obsessed with young people
It's about the eighteen
year olds what films they love
it's about their television programmes
their songs on the radio
it's always the young people, young people,
young people, young people.
We have got to stop, everywhere
we are being pushed off to the margins of culture
into little glassed off areas, in HMV and Virgin
clutching our jazz and classical, going
"I'm not going out there - I'm not going out there!"
"Look at them, they're all wearing hoodies
I can't even see their faces for Jesus' sake!"
We have got to steal back the center ground
ladies and gentlemen
it's time for a new slogan
for anyone, twentyfive or older.
A new motto.
"Young people. They're good to look at."
"And they're fun to f*ck"
"but there's nothing going on upstairs."
The next time an eighteen year old comes
bouncing up to you going
"Look at me, I'm fit, I'm gorgeous,
I got a body like a matress"
"You could bounce coins off me,
I'm so fit."
You just go
"Yeah, I'm not so fit."
"But I've been working for a while"
"I've got cash."
"Here's a tenner, dance for me
you prick."
"Come on, now!"
But, the glory of it is - I mean, lads
what stage of the educational system are you at?
College
You're in college at the moment, are you lads?
It's a beautiful big adventure for you
what are you studying, mister Blackthorn
what are you studying?
Technical theatre
Technical theatre? It's glorious - are you enjoying
the light tonight, are ya?
with all the sounds and everything
it's amazing
You must be thrilled with the amount of bulbs
they have in the place here at the moment
Are you technical theatre as well, are ya?
Yeah, oh, it's a big technical theatre
posse out tonight, it's glorious
It's gonna be wild tonight, with the technical theatre
Jesus, you're gonna mike up this town
like it's never been miked up before, ah?
There is gonna be set dressing tonight, ladies and gentlemen
there's gonna be props like you cannot believe, right there
Well, that'll be a bad thing to say to a woman
in the first night
"I love the props!"
They don't like to hear that, right
The one thing I always say about it -
cause the thing you haven't got to, right
is the hideous punchline to the education system
which the rest of us have all gotten to
where these fresh faced bunnies
arrive into the workplace and go
"I, have a first class honors degree
in engineering."
And the rest of the office goes
"good for you"
"Make some f*ck' coffee, alright?"
Because, life occasionally offers you
a moment you go
"Jeez, I wouldn't have done that" like for example
I do a lot of holidays involve looking at animals, right?
Recently, I went on a safari
has anyone here done the safari?
You have, you have
oh Jayne Middlemiss, of course you have, right?
The, eh, and - was it glorious, Jayne?
Did you see loads of animals?
Was it a fantastic experience, was it wonderful
was it beautiful, was it great?
It was great, was it? Loads of them, big, small
the whole lot, everything, everything! Great.
Don't pad out your part, Jayne
not your show. Right, eh?
You saw loads of stuff, did'ya?
Yeah, I saw nothing!
???
Nothing, I saw. There wasn't a feckin' animal to be seen
The Rift valley was empty, for the fir -
Oh, they hype it up, "Africa, cradle of life"
And you're thinking "oh, I can't wait to get there"
"Oh, oh, there'll be animals falling out of the trees"
Which is bad news if it's an elephant, let me tell ya, right?
There was nothing to be seen
not an animal there
Oh! Jeeps! Jeeps like you wouldn't believe
Hundreds of jeeps, giant herd of jeep
There's nothing like a jeep in the wild,
the sunlight dancing off a jeep at dawn
it's a glorious sight
But not a feckin' animal there,
all scared off by the jeep
but nonetheless, right?
Occasionally the boring ones,
the gazelles, and the zebras
the ones you see on day one
and you go "Oh my God, a zebra"
Click-click-click-click-click
Or if you've got a digital camera,
hold, click, hold, click
And the gazelle is going
"Eh, was that the flash? Was that the flash?"
"What was that? That was the red-eye?"
"Oh, do it again, there's a line over there
I've got to get outta here, right?"
"You know, you're not even gonna
print it out, anyway"
"I don't know why you bother take it"
Nothing to be seen, after about three days
of gazelles and zebras
you're going up to the driver going
"Joshua, here's ten dollars,
any chance you could nudge one of the zebras"
"clip it with the side of the jeep, right?"
"You get close, I'll open the door on it head
might make it whoozy a bit"
"might lure one of the lions out of the longer grass", but...
You're not allowed to interact, apparently
Could we just go and crop it on the heel?
No, no, you're not! No don't do that.
Upsetting the balance of nature.
The trip wasn't without event, right?
just to check, here, right, by the way
sorry, this may seem as if it
comes from nowhere
is there a doctor in the room?
[Woman in the back] Yeah!
At the back there, how are you, good to have you here
like, what kind of doctor are ya?
I'm a surgeon
You're a surgeon, any particular speciality
Liver and pancreas
Look at you, you're a great catch, aren't ya?
You'd be regarded as a saint where I come from
"She does the liver! She does the liver, ???, get her fast"
Good to have you, doctor, actually,
you know what I mean
You don't have to stand up, by the way
you can sit for this bit
There isn't actually a medical emergency
that I had to find you for
They didn't say "Jesus Dara, there's a woman collapsed"
"could you find a doctor"
and I said "Fine, but I'm gonna do
a bit of banter with the crowd first"
"I might warm them up for a while"
d' you know what I mean?
I'm not giving up this opportunity
Doctor, I wanna check a fact with you in a second
but you're okay with that, are ya?
Fabulous, good to have you here, right.
We're on this trip, and during the trip
There'a woman had, what is known as
transient ischemic attack.
Doctor
What is that more commonly known as?
Eleven years of training, ladies and gentlemen
Doctor, transient ischemic attack?
A mini-stroke
A mini-stroke is exactly what it's known as,
thank you very much doctor, you're absolutely right.
A mini-stroke
A hideous term used by the medical trade
A fairly serious thing to happen,
which you called a mini-stroke
You could call it a reversible stroke,
a short-term stroke
A second level stroke
No.
You call it a mini-stroke.
The woman collapses and you go
"Aw, did you have a little stroke?"
"Did you have a little stroke?
Who's the little stroke? Who's the little stroke?"
Shame on you, doctor.
Yes, a transient ischemic attack is more
commonly known as a mini-stroke
Now, I know that because my girlfriend is a doctor
because I'm not stupid,
I'm not doing this sh*t for the rest of my life
Which is actually her second least favourite joke that I do, hah
The little walking pension plan
Okay, ah...
and that's not her least favourite,
Jesus, wait till we get to that one!
But anyway, so she had to go and deal with it
You know when you're in love with somebody
You rarely see them at work
You rarely see them doing the thing they do and you can't.
It's extremely attractive.
Go, follow your partner some day to work
if they're having an affair, it'll be a
hideous conclusion, but eh...
But just watch them doing the thing
It's really cool
'cause you can't do it, they can,
"you know, you're fantastic, you're glorious"
particularly when they're saving a life, Jesus, it's glorious
You're there going "ah, you're beautiful, I love you
and you're making me look good right now"
"Yeah, she's mine! She's my girlfriend, look at her
she's glorious, yeah? She's saving her life, trophy bird!"
I had to be peeled off the doctor
the day of the mini-stroke
Seriously, she was underneath me going
"That's very flattering, but could I deal
with the situation first?"
And I was behind her going
"No! She'll be unconscious for a while, yes!"
She's actually in the room tonight
sorry about that
But there is nothing more attractive than
seeing the person - I mean
The doctor here, have you a partner there with you
have you a boyfriend or a husband with you?
Yeah, he's a teacher
He's a teacher, so he's not in the medical trade
My teacher friend, is it sexy, have you seen her
ever deal with an emergency, have ya?
Not yet
Not yet, he said, loudly
Get her to run over one of these feckers
on the way home tonight
Do it! It's extremely attractive
But the one bad thing is,
you're very clannish people, the doctors
They have a tendency to hang around together
in little groups, right
My teacher friend, d' you have to go to
loads of social events
where it's just you and doctor-doctor
doctor-doctor-doctor-doctor
Does that happen to you my friend, does it?
I hate it!
Yeah, I know, it's a nightmare!
I hate it, he says.
I am articulating your pain, my friend
He hates it, ladies and gentlemen, cause there's times
I've been at the dinner parties and there's
doctor-doctor-doctor-doctor-doctor-doctor-doctor-doctor
and I'm the only feckin' muggles in the room, right?
And I've - they don't know half as much
as you give them credit for
My friend, if you're ever at another dinner party
and it's all doctors, feck with their heads
It's remarkably easy to do
I you're ever out with a load of doctors
and they're going
"Well, today, I performed a
fagendogedectomy"
you just go
"Yeah, but what are hiccups,
exactly?"
"The-the-there's many competing theories
at the moment, ah..."
then you go
"Why, if you stay in bed longer, do you feel more tired?"
"It's not my speciality, that particular field, err, I..."
"Does time heal all wounds?"
"Who the f*ck invited you to this dinner party, anyway?"
"What are the oil of Olay's seven signs of aging?"
Noone, noone actually knows
what the oil of Olay's seven signs of aging are, right?
Apparently they start with little lines around the eyes
and finish, with a woman sitting on a stairs
with a bottle of gin, going
"I gave him the best years of my life!"
And it takes a feckin' hell of a cream
to get rid of that, let me tell you.
Doctor, one final question
doctor at the back there
my surgeon friend, liver and pancreas
answer me this
What are hiccups, exactly?
Diaphragmatic irritations
A diaphragmatic irritation
good woman, yourself! Very good!
Let the punters at home know she said
diaphragmatic irritations
which is right, I also would have accepted
any arrythmic irritation
of the phrenic nerve.
Please, please
I'm not a doctor
I'm just riding one.
Yeah, that'll be the one she likes least. Okay!
But the most recent of the trips to the animals
was in Australia actually
which is a glorious country, fabulous place
don't be fooled, I went
in January of last year
thinking "fantastic, it's January
it's the middle of winter"
it'll be glorious, it'll be cold"
I brought a coat
a hat, a scarf, a mink stole
a big ???
they're devious b*stards in Australia
they have their summer
during the winter, right?
We arrive out there
in the middle of January
it was forty degrees Celsius in Australia
in the middle of January, right?
Ridiculously -
I can't do that, I'm Irish
it's been scientifically proven
the melting temperature of an Irish man
is thirty two degrees Celsius
Anything above that
our limbs get long and floppy
and don't work at all, right?
We sat in an air-conditioned apartment
looking out at forty degrees, going
"What the feck is that out there?", right?
"That's not human
how wrong is that"
"How long was that flight?
Are we on Mercury at this stage, are we?"
And it got out at nine o'clock
in the evening, we thought
"Please God, let it have cooled down"
And the weather forecaster came out and said
"Another glorious day in Adelaide today
and a beautiful evening ahead of us"
"the minimum overnight temperature tonight
will be twenty seven degrees Celsius"
And we all are going
"What?!"
"It's nighttime!"
"The sun is on the other side
of the planet at this stage!"
"Unless there's a mirror
attached to the moon"
"which is bouncing the rays back down again"
"It has to get cold,
it's nighttime"
"That's what feckin' nighttime does, right?"
If that ever happened in Ireland
if the weather forecaster ever
came out and said
"The minimum overnight temperature
tonight in Ireland"
"will be twenty seven degrees Celsius"
we'd all be waking up our kids going
"Come on, get out of bed"
"we 're going to the beach, come on!"
Then they'd be sitting there going
"What? It's the middle of the night!"
and we'd go "It's twenty seven degrees
you might never see it in Ireland again"
"Get into the car"
And then about two hours later
we'd be sitting in the dark just going
"Where did you bury your brother?"
"Is he wearing a watch?
He better be wearing a watch"
"Mary, get the metal detector"
"he's done it again"
"I don't care if you've got school in the morning"
"you can use cocaine, like the rest of us, right?"
and over there, of course
I mean, over there
they know their wildlife
over there in Australia
unbelievable - they have
koala bears over there
there's so many of them
they've actually trained
to work in the cities
And could you guess [?], right
what job d' you think koala bears
do in Sydney at the moment
what job are they trained to do?
Give me a guess
To be bears!
What's that?
To be bears
To be bears.
They're kinda - doesn't take
much training, Tracey, to be honest
Given it's already a bear, it really -
unless you want it to be a different kind
"You're no koala, you're a grizzly
get out there, go on, get out there!"
Give me another guess, what
do they train them to do, koala bears?
[Various indistinct]
Cuddle. Cuddle is glorious.
What a beautiful idea
They train them to work as
professional cuddlers
That's a fabulous idea
all over Sydney, there'll just be
podiums sitting there
with a koala on it
and you can walk up and go
"I'm a bit down at the moment"
and the koala would go
"Come here. Come here!"
"Is that alright, are ya feeling better now?"
"Thanks very much"
Can I get one more suggestion
Give me one more suggestion
As phone sex operators
They train the koalas to work as
phone sex-
Know what? Just as operators
Not actually to do the thing
but to go
"I'll put you through now, eh..."
"Well, you sound like you need-
you need a bit o' lovin', do ya?"
"Well, there's a very strict woman
on line four, I'll give that to her, right?"
'Cause koalas are very good at
that kind of notion like that.
Or is it actually to talk to the customers
"Ooh, d' you wanna see what I'm wearing?"
"I'm all furry and exciting"
"I'm the furriest little koala
you've ever seen"
"I'm slipping out of the fur
at the moment, look at that!"
"D' you like that?"
That's kind of sick, that's weird.
What they actually trained them for, the job
they actually trained koala bears to do,
in Sydney, is to work as bicycle locks.
You take the koala,
you put him on the frame of the bicycle
his little hands reach around through
the spokes of the wheel
and then he just holds on
to the bicycle like that.
The finest answer I ever received
there was in a university in Dublin
and I said
"What job do they
train them to do?"
and a student there went
"Is it guides for the blind?"
And I said
"Well, surely they'd use dogs for that"
and she said
"Not for walking"
"For climbing"
It's a glorious notion
The dog would walk the blind person
to the foot of the tree
at which point, control would be
handed over to the koala bear
who would then walk the blind person up
past difficult clumps of branches and whatnot
till they got to the top
where presumably it would then
describe the view to the blind person
and the reason by the way
I'm talking about that whole trip is because
I had one of those moments where you go
"I'm not doing that anymore"
One of those "I'm getting
too old for this" kind of moments
on this trip in Australia
'cause there's travellers having
a look at koalas and kangaroos
and there's me and a load of nineteen-year-olds
and they're all travelling with backpacks
and there is a moment in your life
lads, you're probably still in the middle of it all
the younger lads here, still doing it
go for the rucksacks for a while
then later on, you stop
you never go back
'cause they're all standing
in full rucksack stance
you know what I mean, like
whatever
with all of the weight up on the shoulders
pushing down on the hips, going
"Jesus, I love backpacking
isn't it a brilliant way to travel?"
"D' you like backpacking?"
"Oh, I feckin' love backpacking
it's fantastic"
"I'm seeing Australia for
thirty dollars a day at the moment"
"oh, sure! Doing some form of long term
damage to my lower lumbar region"
"but it's so good!
D' you like backpacking?"
"Oh, I feckin' love backpacking
it's fantastic, it's glorious"
"I'm sleeping in a hostel room with
nine Norwegians who I neither know, not trust"
"but you know?"
"having to sleep every night with
me traveller's cheques up me an*s"
"is a small price to pay
for the freedom and exhilaration"
"D' you like backpacking?"
"Oh, I feckin' love backpacking
it's fantastic"
A whole line of them
and I'm at the very end
with my luggage going
"Look! It's on wheels
you feckin' idjits, look at that!"
"You like that, do ya? It's great, isn't it?
It's a fantastic little adventure"
"Can you do this? Can ya, can ya,
can ya, can - nooo, you can't you're all down.
As you get older, you just ditch certain things
as you get older
and it's a pleasure to do, right?
I mean, for example, right?
Religion, is a very good -
I wouldn't be a very spiritual man, right?
I don't believe in god, right?
Still Catholic
'Cause there's nothing you can do
when you're Catholic
Once you've started Catholic
frankly, there's no real way
to stop being Catholic
even not believing in god, isn't regarded
as sufficient reason to get
out of the Catholic church
You'd think it'd be failry
fundamental to the whole thing, but no!
Catholicism, the stickiest, most
adhesive religion in the world
There's no website
you can de-register online
You can't cut up your membership card
in front of a priest and go
"Feck ya, I'm outta here" and walk away
You could join the Taliban
You'd merely be regarded
as a bad Catholic
I'm presuming a large chunk of you
probably were raised Protestant
Gimme a cheer if you had any
Protestant upbringing at all
A fair few of you, right?
Now, when you do he wafer thing, right?
and take the ? or whatever, right?
it represents the body of Christ
it's a metaphor, it's a symbol
of the body of Christ
Oooh, not when you're Catholic
When you're Catholic
it IS the body of Christ
It was actually believed
that it turns into the flesh of Christ
in your mouth
nobody fully explained
this to me as a child
I would have spotted the flaw
relatively quickly in that
I would have gone
"Hang on, I might be eight"
"but I've eaten enough burgers,
chicken McNuggets, right"
"fish fingers and rashers to know"
"there is no animal flesh in the world"
"that jams itself
to the roof of your mouth"
"and hoovers all of the moisture
out of your body"
"until you're looking at your mother going"
[muffled]
"can I take it down with my finger?"
[muffled]
"It's stuck in the roof of my mouth"
And she's going
"Do not take it down with your finger!
It's the body of Christ! Leave it where it is!"
"You're making a show of me in the church"
[muffled]
"But it's desecrated me from the inside out"
'Desecrated', by the way
It's just ridiculous, the whole thing
and I was recently at this wedding
between a girl from Cork, who was Catholic
and a guy from Edinburg, who's Protestant
A mixed marriage
Yes, panto-crowd
It'll never work
I know exactly what you're thinking
you can't have a mixed marriage
the kids will be freaks!
The DNA of Catholic and Protestant
aren't supposed
to be meshed like that
You'll get some sterile
mule-child of some description
"Mule-child! Take the bags to the room!"
"What's wrong with the child?"
"Don't talk to the mule-child!"
"He is born of Catholic and Protestant -
he is WRONG! He's an abomination"
It was a bizzare - 'cause we've been ?
this thing in Ireland for years about the mixed marriage
Basically, if you've ever been to a wedding
you know there's the bride there
all of the bride's people
down one side of the church
every one of them Catholic
Groom there, all of his people down
all of them Protestant, right?
Catholic on one side
Protestant on the other
At no stage during the service
did one side look across and go
"What? You do that?
How mad! How freaky! How wrong!"
"You're going to hell!
You're going to hell, for god's sake!", right?
It was the same words, in the same order
for both sides of the church
That's not a feckin' mixed marriage!
There's nothing mixed about it at all, right?
A mixed marriage is
one side of the church going
"Mazel tov!"
And on the other side
men are firing g*ns in the air
That's a feckin' mixed marriage! Right?
If you're ever at a wedding
and one side of the church
has a big dragon that
they're running up and down
in the middle of the service
and on the other side
men with spears are hopping up and down
That's a feckin' mixed marriage
ladies and gentlemen!
And I'm saying there's
no difference - there are some differences
The Protestants, you love the hymns
You love the hymns
you can't get enough of the damn hymns
verse after verse after verse
of the feckin' hymns, right?
Catholics - we do one verse
up we get, there you go
down you go, end of story, right?
You, Jesus, on and on
and on the things go!
And we were singing just as much -
the Catholic were singing
just as much as the Protestants were
but Jesus, we hadn't trained
After about four or five verses
everyone on the Catholic side
just swaying forward and backward
"How long is this, Jesus!"
"How many verses can they do?"
Weaker members of the
Catholic side were being taken out
and oxygen being given
"Auntie Mary's gone?"
"She gone, blergh"
"Bring 'er out, give 'er air
for Jesus' sake"
"we're keeping going
till the end of this"
"Would Emmanuel
ever get to Israel"
"and stop dragging out
the journey, for Jesus"
On and on it went
and then we got to the ?
the number one - the main
audience participation part of the wedding
which is a thing called
the Lord's prayer, right?
Now, for those of you
not raised in the christian faith
or those of you who've
happily forgotten it
the Lord's prayer was a prayer
written by Christ himself
whose major themes are
bread
and tresspassing
You're all running it
through your heads, aren't ya?
Na-na-na-na tresspassing
Na-na-na-na tresspassing again, yeah
There are two separate mentions
of tresspassing in the Lord's prayer
and you do go
"Well, was there a lot of
tresspassing going on at the time?"
Were people in Galilea and Nazareth
constantly vaulting over fences
and hopping over walls
and taking shortcuts through
other people's properties?
Was Christ himself sitting there going
"Je- if those feckin' kids
don't get out of my garden", right?
"That's it! I'm going to
put it in the prayer"
"it's going in the feckin' prayer"
"no more tresspassing"
"that's it - that's the end of it
that's the end"
"I'm sick of there being
tresspassing around here"
Right, then, just gonna check
just a piece of trivia for ya
does anyone know the difference
between the Catholic Lord's prayer
and the Protestant Lord's prayer
The end
The end
you're absolutely right miss
the end
The end it's longer
in the Protestant version, right?
Somewhere, when we handed
all the documents over to you
around the time of Martin Luther
you took this one and thought
"All very well, but feck it
we'll stick a gazebo at the back of it", right?
"We might knock through here
and make it a bit longer"
"and a bit more exciting, right?"
"It'll increase the resale value
years down the line, right?"
And it's longer in the Protestant faith
You knew that, many of you
possibly didn't know that
I didn't know that
and neither did any Catholic
at this wedding, right?
Both sides stood up
at the same moment, right?
and belted out the words
"Blah-blah-blah-blah bread"
"Blah-blah-blah-blah tresspassing"
"Blah-blah-blah-blah yes
more about tresspassing"
"we're getting the point, alright"
"we'll leave off the tresspassing
we won't do anymore"
and then the Catholics went
"Amen"
and sat down
really slowly
in a very sanctimonious
"there you go, god"
"we're the real ones
aren't we the real ones? Yeah!"
"Who's the daddy?
You're the daddy!"
"Who's the daddy, eh?
You're the daddy, right?"
And their Catholic arses
had no sooner touched the pew
then the entire Catholic side goes
"Hang on!"
"The feckin' Protestants
are still going!"
And on the other side of the church
the entire - as bold as brass
not a hint of shame or compunction
all the Protestants going
"For thine is the kingdom"
"and the power"
"and the glory"
"forever and ever"
"Now amen!"
And all of the Catholics went
"You win this one
you crawly little pricks!"
Anyway
I've - none of those life stages
have really hit me yet
I've no kids, for example, right?
but I will say this
on behalf of all men here
who don't have kids
to any women here who do
Would you stop using
men you don't know
to discipline your children?
It drives us up the wall
I was in a train
minding me own business
four empty seats around me
cross the aisle there's a woman there
eight year old child, kid's lovin' it
he's bouncing off the walls
he's thrilled, he's excited
he's giddy about the whole trip, right?
He's thrilled with himself
The mother goes
"Stop it! Stop it now"
"or the man will come"
"and take the sweets away from ya"
And I'm going
"Wow, when did I become
the bad guy in this situation?"
And the kid -
but the kid quietens down, right?
For about five minutes
and then bubbles up again
and the mother goes
"Stop it! Stop it now, the man's
over there, the man's gonna come over"
"When the man comes over
the man is going to come over here"
"when the man - he'll
take the crayons away from ya"
"and you won't be able to draw your
little pictures, you won't be happy then, now"
"don't bring the man over, right?"
And the kid's looking at me going
"I don't feckin' like you
at all, you know that?"
And I'm looking at the child, going
"I'm on your side! ?"
But the kid quietens down again
for a couple of minutes
and then effervesces up a third time
and the mother just goes
"Stop it! The man is coming ov-
when the man comes over"
"oh you'll be in such trouble
when the man comes over"
"when the man comes over
you're gonna be in such trouble, young man"
"when the man comes over here", right?
I was so pissed off
at being used like this
that eventually, I just went
"Fine. Feck it. I am going over"
I just walked over to the child and went
"You were warned!
Whaaaaagh!"
"I am the man!"
"Fear the man!"
and then just turned
to the mother and went
"Any time you need a hand, alright?"
You've been a joy to talk to ya
I'm Dara O'Briain, thank you
very much, goodnight, goodbye
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