- Joey, I losing
f*cking juice, man.
I can't f*cking do it!
- You've gotta.
You gotta Rock.
It's coming for us.
Find your juice!
- g*dd*mn it, my
foot's over there.
God, help me.
- I can't go on, chaps.
Rocco, be a good lad and
clear my browser history-
- Don't do it, Roger.
Roger, no!
No!
- My f*cking foot.
Oh, no, my f*cking foot.
- Joey.
It can f*cking smell us!
- f*ck. f*ck!
- Leave me, guys.
I'm not gonna f*cking make it.
Leave me.
- We was already leaving you,
Guido.
I'm so sorry. Come on, Rock.
- Please, God, save me.
And forgive me for my sins.
I'm sorry if I whack
off too much.
I promise I won't do it again.
Mother Mary of Sausages!
My god, it's coming,
it's coming.
- Mom!
Are you coming back?
I don't wanna be alone
with her when she croaks.
- Your grandmother is not
going to croak.
She is slowly and painfully
ascending into a higher plane.
She'll be with the
dark ones soon.
This is a time for a
joy, and cheese puffs.
Put that thing away.
Show some respect.
- What?
She's practically dead already.
She doesn't even-
Oh my Satan, ma!
- Child.
You.
You will end the w*r.
At great cost.
I have seen it.
- Eww.
- What's the difference now?
- You need to start
taking things seriously.
Did you not hear your
freshly dead grandmother?
- Whatever. I'm not
like you and her.
I have a life,
in the modern world.
- You're a born witch. You
have no choice.
- Yes, I do.
I'm American.
- Good bye, old lady.
You're a mean old hoochie mama,
but I know you did your best.
- Does this mean we get
the house now?
- Yes.
- Nice.
Needs some work.
But it's a lot of space.
I want an office!
- What are you gonna do
with a f*cking office?
- I don't know, rap lyrics.
- Oh my, Satan, how much longer
is she gonna be doing that?
- Your grandmother held
a lot of power.
Especially here in this town
where our family has been
doing magic for generations.
- You mean a lot of gas power?
- Enough. You will obey and
do what you're fated to do,
which is to obey.
- Lame-
- Obey!
- Okay.
Stop freaking, you freak.
Since when have I been
scared of your witchy voice?
Huh?
You use it on me all the time.
Protect us from what?
- It is the solstice.
And you are coming to
the sacrifice tonight.
That is not a debate.
It is our duty now as
leaders of the coven.
- Clearly, it is a debate
since I'm debating you.
- Listen, I know that you
weren't planning
on coming here so early,
but you know, I told you.
This place has a lot of
historical significance
for our family.
- History doesn't
matter anymore, mom.
People just write over it.
- Well, we don't.
Besides you can't write over
what's been written in blood.
- Heard of bleach?
I'm gonna be in charge of
our family history someday.
And if you wanna be
remembered at all, mom,
I'd listen more to my
opinions right now.
Anyway, I already have
a date with Dominic.
- Ancient blood rites
do not give a rat's a*s
about your love life, kid.
I mean, especially since
it's very clear
that you are not serious
about this boy.
I mean, you don't even
wanna be here.
And already you're
dating some mobster's kid
and you have not been
practicing your magics lately.
Use it or lose it, fam.
- Don't try and act cool, mom.
It comes off as desperate.
You're desperate.
Not a good look, fam.
- Oh, that reminds me.
Do we have enough rat's asses?
Nope, no yet.
Oh, here? Yeah.
Oh.
Oh. Okay.
Why don't you have this stale
rat a*s, sweetie, for dessert,
and then mom-
- Gross, mom.
- Will get you some fresh ones,
yeah.
Yes, some. Some nice
fat subway rats asses.
- Ugh.
- Why don't you bring Dominic
to the ritual tonight?
- You're just going to
try and sacrifice him.
- Mm, that would be the idea,
yes.
Oh, wouldn't it, sweetie?
- We're not there yet.
Are you f*cking
serious right now?
- Hey, watch it.
- Why don't you drive instead
of f*cking molesting me?
- You're my girlfriend.
- Who is mad at you.
And also younger than you.
I did not consent to
being groped.
- Again, with this
consent bullshit.
I thought women were supposed
to want it all the time,
just like dudes.
Isn't that right?
Isn't that part of feminism too,
now?
Ugh.
People warned me not to
f*ck with you.
I should have listened to them.
- Who warned you?
- I know who you are, who
your family is.
You think I'm not like
progressive or something.
But you and I f*cking,
now that would be progressive.
We're supposed to wanna
k*ll each other.
- Do you wanna k*ll me?
- Not like that. No.
I'm gonna give you
one last chance.
- You're not gonna want
to do that, Dominic.
- Don't you f*cking witch me.
- Ugh.
What the f*ck is up with
these people in this town
and their g*dd*mn
f*cking stomachs?
Eat some yogurt!
I hate when she's right.
- The coven warned
me about this.
They told me that
witches and mobsters
would never be at peace.
I guess, I should have listened.
But I get it.
I come from a line of
awesome ancient power,
and I don't need a man like you
to validate my amazing hotness.
Also, I took a look at your
d*ck while you were unconscious
and it's not impressive.
I need a full-on rigatoni d*ck.
And you're just like
elbow macaroni.
- They grow up so fast.
- Hmm.
- What's wrong?
- Well, I wasn't serious
about sacrificing him.
At least I didn't think I was.
- Worried about how the
mafia will react?
It would be risking
renewed hostilities.
- Yes. I'm too tired to
go to w*r again.
- The last one cost
a lot of lives.
- Especially for the mafia.
Uh, but it did give me her.
I wouldn't trade that
for anything.
Maybe we were all brought
here for a reason.
All of us, even Jenny and...
- Do I have your
consent for that?
How about now?
How about now, huh?
- Uh, yeah, no offense, Sandy,
but your kid's kind of
an as*h*le..
- Yeah, ugh. But
she's my as*h*le.
At least she's not as bad
as her father.
- Ah, yes. The betrayal
you had no choice
but to perform upon him
in order to get her.
- It wasn't a betrayal.
He was, is different.
Our magic's mixed during
a confrontation
and it led to a different
kind of battle.
- That he lost.
And now he doesn't even
know that she's his kid.
- It was still a w*r, Judy.
I got caught up in a moment
of violence and passion.
Oh my Satan, why do
you even care?
He's still a mobster.
Let's not forget who holds the
most otherworldly power here.
Check your spells before
you wreck yourself.
- Stop trying to talk cool, mom.
- In battle, we
sometimes do things
that we are not proud of.
When you're trapped, you
try to escape.
The same is true of fate.
My mother warned me that
I would have a child
who would upend all the balance
and the forces of the night.
And she didn't mention
anything for a very long time.
But then on her deathbed, she-
- A whole lot of corpse farts,
right? Hmm?
She was very powerful.
- Let's not k*ll the boy.
- What will we do
with him instead?
The moon requires a
blood gift on this night.
- And if we let him live,
he'll sick his family
on us anyway.
- Hmm, do not fret, sisters.
We'll give Luna the blood
sacrifice that she deserves,
as well as provide her
with a servant
who will slake her
monthly thirst.
It's time to
introduce a new breed
into the fight for the night.
- If I remove the gag,
you better be quiet.
Not because anyone will
come help you if you scream,
but because I'll be
f*cking annoyed
and I'm done with your sh*t.
Also, we need to pour some of
my dog's blood in your mouth.
- What?
- Please.
- Don't.
- Don't what, Dom?
- I'm sorry I was
sexually forward with you.
I'll be better.
I'll be better, I swear.
- It's not about that, Dom.
It's not even about your
elbow macaroni d*ck.
I could have maybe
made that work
or taught you other
ways to please me.
You made out with Becky D in
the stacks at the library.
- Becky D?
This is all about Becky D?
- You thought I
wouldn't find out?
- It was nothing!
- Oh, I think it did mean
something, young man.
Tsk tsk
- You're making her do this!
You never did like me.
- That last part is accurate.
- My uncle's gonna k*ll you!
He really will.
- Why would he do that?
- If I go missing...
no, no.
No.
- We're not going to k*ll you,
baby.
We're just...going to fix you.
- No.
Hand me the changing crystal,
mom.
- No.
- I'm ready.
- Please don't.
- Mommy?
- Mommy?
Mommy.
Mommy.
You f*ck with the Finghetti
family, we come for you.
Even if it takes decades.
Don't worry, kid.
Your uncle sent me.
You and your little macaroni
d*ck are going to be just fine.
This town belongs to the mob.
- Wow hoo. You're
gonna die, witch!
- The Finghetti family,
you mean don't do this?
No!
- You drank some of that
mutt's blood, didn't you?
- No.
- You k*lled my mom, you
guinea b*tch!
- You're the guinea
b*tch...literally.
- No.
Where's my room?
- Um, hey, I can show you.
I'm Chris.
- Jenny.
- I heard you stabbed a
bunch of people and your dog.
- Nothing was proven and
I didn't stab my dog.
My dead mom did.
Can I have some?
- What the hell?
Why would you do that?
- Oh, because I
smelled a werewolf.
- What?
That's crazy.
Whatcha talking about?
That's totally crazy!
Ew.
Ugh!
Is this licorice made of blood?
- Yeah, it definitely is.
- Ugh, gross. Ugh, ugh.
What's a vampire doing
in foster care?
- Shh, not here.
- Ew, don't touch my lips.
You don't even know me.
You wanna know what
happened to the last guy
who touched me without asking?
- Was he stabbed?
- Yeah.
He was very, very stabbed.
- Sorry.
Let's go somewhere to talk.
- Hmm. Loser.
- What?
- I called you a loser.
- Well, that's not really nice.
So how does it feel to be
turning into a wolf right now?
- Not a wolf so much.
Ah, it hurts.
- Yeah, I've heard that.
There hasn't been a wolf
around here in a long time.
- Does it hurt being a vampire?
- Death was painful.
Living death is fine.
Drinking blood is cool.
Warms the space where my
soul used to be, you know?
You asked why I'm in
the foster home.
- Hmm hmm.
- I wanna tell you now
while you turn.
It's because I
haven't been the way
that I am now for
very long either.
- This way.
No one usually comes
down this road.
But just in case, we
should hide in the woods.
- Aw! Cute up close.
No, actually this is perfect.
Come with me.
There's something you
need to see.
I can steel us a car so
we can get there faster.
You may not feel this
way right now,
but I'm here to tell you
that you're the perfect size
just the way you are.
Come on.
But you should probably
walk on all fours though,
so people would think
you're an actual dog.
Should I get a little leash?
Only kidding, heel!
Ow! Ow, ow. Okay.
I deserve that.
I'll pretend to use a leash.
They won't be able to
tell in the dark.
Ugh.
You should probably had
sat in the back.
Kid size and all.
As you know, Jenny,
this town has been
ravaged by decades of w*r
between the mafia and we
creatures of the night,
including the witches,
especially the witches.
The mafia really hates them.
You.
Yeah, I know your entire story.
I know who your grandmother was.
It was her death that led
to what happened to you
and your mother.
You both should have
been more careful
and your mom should have
been more honest with you.
Another thing you might not know
is how the latest part of this
whole saucy beast started.
Some say it was your
mother's fault
that she challenged the
manhood of your father.
His trattoria is
around the corner.
The story is that it's
been handed down
to the Finghetti
family for decades,
but it's always been
under his ownership.
At least ever since he came
down from the Old Country
where he was not only a
warlord, but a warlock lord.
Your mother tricked him
into fathering you
and he hated her for it.
He's the reason why she's dead.
He also k*lled my parents
because they sold him
some rancid parmigiano.
It wasn't their fault.
They were great cheese makers
who made one mistake one time.
I became a vampire so I
could be strong enough
to get my revenge, but Big
Nick is much too powerful,
too old with old warlock blood
immune to most of my abilities.
Plus, he has the mafia
at his disposal.
Thanks.
But now, there's two of us.
We're one and a half
people tall combined.
- Ruff.
- We could fight them together.
We could avenge your coven,
and my cheese monger parents.
- Right.
- Right. You in?
- Ruff.
Let's go around the back
of the trattoria
to see if we can find
any important information
so we can use it
against the mafia.
Yeah.
- Ah, Rock, we got
meatballs tonight?
- You know it.
- Good job boys.
- We've had meatballs the
past eight days, Joey.
All they make back there
are meatballs.
How about-
- That must be some
stolen merchandise.
- Fish and chips.
- Typical.
- Would it k*ll you
guys for once,
gimme a taste of home,
just once.
- English food is sh*t, Roger.
Everybody knows it.
Isn't that why you're with
us in the first place?
You f*cking tiny dicked, p*ssy.
- Everybody misses home
on occasion, gents.
It's not a
reflection on the size
or general existence of
my rather large
and well-endowed testes
to want to swallow down
an occasional banger.
All right?
- Banger.
- And wait, point of order.
How can I have a tiny d*ck
and be a p*ssy?
And would that be so bad
if it were true?
Oh, shut up, mooks!
Shut up!
Show me the haul! Out of my way!
Oh.
Oh!
Oh.
These end the w*r.
My mooks!
All the witches in the world
and their offsprings
are going to f*cking die!
- Uh, just a quick
minor question.
Will it also take care
of the vampires?
I mean, they've been tre
annoying lately.
I mean draining all the townies.
There's no one left to do
any of the manual labor.
I mean, am I supposed to
take the rubbish
to the dump myself?
I mean, what's the point
in being a made bloke?
- Yes!
Yes, of course.
I will get them too, yeah.
- Oh.
- So fish and chips, can we
get some of those possibly
and some bangers?
Can we possibly, I mean.
- Eat a f*cking meatball.
- Eat your own ba*ls!
I'm not eating, I'm not
touching your ba*ls.
- We need a plan.
We can come up with a plan.
Glowing magic orbs? Please.
We can end this with a
couple of hammers.
- I agree, Jenny.
A plan and hammers.
- Was that coffee all
bloody when I poured it?
- Yes, it was.
Now go away, child.
- Yes, it was blood coffee.
I am going away now, child.
- Now, fart.
Classic.
- Be serious.
My dad is going to k*ll us both.
- Right.
But we need to know how.
- With the glowy thingies.
- Yeah. What were they?
- Who cares?
- What do you mean, "Who cares?"
- It's an easy solution, Chris.
This entire w*r has always been
about witches being witches
and mobsters being mobsters.
- Yeah, but Big Nick is
a warlock and a mobster.
That's two skill sets!
- Not the point.
- Well.
- Shut up, Chris!
I'm explaining how we're
going to win this thing.
I don't know how all
this started
and I don't care that Big
Nick is my dad.
The point is, he's a bad
man who k*lled my mom,
who I'm realizing now, I
kind of liked.
He's gotta go down.
- Exactly.
- Shut up, Chris!
Do you want me to f*ck
you up right here
and show everyone what a
b*tch of a vampire you are?
Because I will.
- Please!
Do that.
- Shut up, Dennis.
You're a g*dd*mn refreshment.
You don't get a vote.
Sorry, Jenny. Proceed.
- f*cking right, I'll proceed.
Spells haven't stopped the mob
and they're just going to
keep on coming
and getting away with
what they do
as long as this town
needs Italian food
and they're always
going to need it
because it's f*cking delicious.
You heard that sexually
confused Englishman.
Which only makes what
I'm about to say
that much more painful
because I love Italian food,
too.
- No, Jenny. We can't.
- We gotta do it, Chris.
Do you have any better ideas?
- I only drink blood now,
but I do remember what it was
like to pound sweet lasagna.
I was a teenager not
too long ago.
I pounded so much lasagna
at that place.
It's an institution.
- I hear you.
And I'm sorry for everyone
who's going to suffer
because of our actions tonight.
But you said it yourself,
your powers don't work on him.
I'm a werewolf now,
but only for the next
couple of days.
And I'm...
- A tiny little werewolf.
- Yeah.
I'm just a
lone, tiny Yorkie werewolf.
What am I gonna do
against the mafia?
- Other than?
- Exactly.
Whatever these things are
that they stole and plan
to use against our kind.
- They're throwing them
at the trattoria.
- That's right, Chris.
We need to blow up that mother
k*lling pasta restaurant.
With bombs.
Hey, man. Do you have any bombs?
- Don't sell no bombs.
I sell g*ns.
- But like, also bombs though?
- We just need one b*mb, Cliff.
- Don't sell bombs in the plural
or any b*mb in the singular.
g*ns in the plural.
It's all we got here.
And hunting bows and some
knives, a*mo, crossbows,
some old chewing gum, maybe,
mints.
Those are probably old, too.
Beanie babies.
Beanie babies in camouflage,
beanie babies with g*ns,
beanie babies in
camouflage with g*ns.
Fresh jerky,
though by definition,
jerky ain't fresh.
No bombs.
- He sells babies?
- What's the difference,
at a certain point,
between bombs and g*ns?
If we wanted to k*ll people,
which we definitely don't,
we could just get a few
of these g*ns
and k*ll the same amount
as a small b*mb.
- My recommendation
based on that logic
would be to buy those g*ns.
Got lots of those.
And hunting bows, knives.
- Machetes.
- Sure. We have machetes.
- Yeah, those are cool.
But farther down the
k*lling food chain
for what we're looking for.
Not that we don't want
to k*ll anybody.
- This isn't
working at all.
I'm sorry, sir.
But what we really need
right now is a b*mb.
- Are you a vampire, son.
- What?
No.
- What's a vampire
need with a b*mb?
- She's a werewolf!
- Chris.
- Werewolf, huh?
Hmm.
Only one reason, I
can figure why
two of nature's most
beautiful k*lling machines
would be in my store looking
to purchase their own
much less elegant
k*lling machine.
Suppose this is about the w*r.
My grandmama was a witch.
I lent my g*n to her
cause for many years
till it got too
dangers out there.
Safer to sell weapons.
I figure you two are on
the same side of things.
- Yeah, my grandmommy
and my mom were witches, too.
I was one, but,
I got turned.
- Ain't no shaming in wolfing,
child.
- You haven't seen
what I look like.
- I'm sure it's
g*dd*mn beautiful.
If you was a witch before
you got wolfed,
then you're still a witch now.
You're a witch wolf.
- Or a wolf witch.
- Or that?
Girl, you gotta take pride
in everything you are
if you're gonna be
everything you are.
- Yeah.
- Hell, yes.
- I still need a b*mb though.
- Why, so?
- We're going to blow up
my dad's mafia restaurant.
- Your papa's Big Nick?
- Yeah. He k*lled my parents.
- And my mom.
I don't know why he spared me.
- Probably 'cause
you're his kin.
Sometimes when you be wolfing,
you get a bunch of
grass to digest to pray.
Don't even remember it.
Oh, oh, or so I've been told.
- I'm still kind of new to it.
I'm sorry.
The sun's coming down.
- It's all right.
I'll let my puppy in, in a few.
She'll lap it right up.
- Gross, Cliff.
- I'm thinking friends,
if y'all fill that
trattoria up with gas
from its ovens and stoves
and lay a spark to it.
- A b*mb. The perfect b*mb!
- Pasta go boom.
- You're the best, Cliff.
Gimme a palm, my dude!
What?
- I like seeing you so excited.
- Yeah. We're going
to k*ll my dad.
- I don't know about that.
We might be able to stop him
from k*lling all the rest
of us, but k*lling him?
He's much too powerful.
- You heard the man.
I'm a witch and a werewolf.
- A really little werewolf.
- What the hell, man?
I thought you were happy for me.
You're being negative, Chris.
Don't you want justice
for your parents?
For my mom?
- Sorry. I'm sorry.
Yeah, you're right.
I mean, we really don't even
know what you can do yet.
- That's right, b*tch.
- But he's two things also,
a warlock and a monster.
- And you're a vampire
and a big f*cking p*ssy.
Sorry.
That's how you're
acting right now.
- That's a sexist term, Jenny.
- Fine.
You are being a limp,
shriveled p*nis!
- That insult is also
problematic.
It's riding on the coattails
of toxic masculinity.
Hardly different.
I expected more from you.
- Coward! You're being
a f*cking coward, Chris,
with abnormal genitalia!
- Stop it, Jenny.
We shouldn't be
fighting right now.
Everyone's genitals are
fine just the way they are.
And we need to figure out a
plan to blow up the trattoria.
- You're right.
- Thank you.
Now, once we've done that,
then we can figure out
a plan to stop your dad,
permanently.
- Yeah. Yeah, I know.
Shut your pretty mouth.
- No, Jenny, I'm tired of
you bullying me.
And it's like, all-
- Good boy.
Now, you're going to do
exactly as I tell you.
Okay?
- Hey there, handsome stranger.
- Hi.
- You looking for a meal?
- A job?
- Doing what exactly,
handsome stranger?
- Whatever needs doing, ma'am.
- Can you clean the place
up by yourself
at the end of the night and
then lock up when you're done?
Can we trust you to do that?
- I can do that. Sure.
- Then you got yourself a job,
kid.
Follow me. We'll get you a broom
and the keys to this
establishment.
- Great.
- Do you know who
owns this place?
- No idea.
I'm a dr*fter who hitch
hiked into town
and minds his own business.
- Sure thing, handsome stranger.
So you don't mind's a
little blood now and then?
- I love blood. It's delicious.
The smells in here,
the restaurant food smells
so tasty to my human nose.
Delicious.
What were we talking about?
- Don't worry it.
You know what? We'll put
your bag down in the back.
We'll get you changed.
Do you need a change of clothes?
You need a shower?
You could come to my
place before your shift
for like a nice hot shower.
Ah, you already kind of
smell pretty clean though.
Maybe we'll just change
your clothes.
Come on.
We'll go in the back.
Bye now. Thanks for coming.
Sorry about those thumbs
in your rigatoni, honey.
Okay, Alfonso, have a good
first shift in your new job.
Oh, the boss wants to
say hello to you
before he heads home
for the night.
Go see him back in the office.
- Oh, right now?
Shouldn't I finish
this room first?
- Well, you could try
keeping 'em waiting
unless you'd miss having
all your thumbs.
Come by later for that
shower, if you want.
I got five different
flavors of ice cream.
Some hot fudge and some
whips and chains.
Cats, as well, in case
you're allergic.
- Chains? Cats?
- Meow. Meow.
Hot fudge, too.
Bye.
- God, I love
f*cking potlock night.
- It's not bad. Not bad at all.
- So f*cking good, huh?
- I love hot dogs, but
I can't eat them usually
because my wife,
she doesn't want me to
have too many nitrates.
She says, it pads my stomach
more than just what she likes,
you know?
So I can't.
I mean, I try to hide it
when I'm here.
- Walk inside!
- You wanted to see me, sir?
- Look at this guy!
Look at him, calling me, "sir"!
You! You k*ll me, Alfonso!
You call me Papa Nick
like everyone else.
You got it, new guy?
- Yes, Papa Nick.
- That's a good boy.
Sit.
It is my policy to meet
all my new employees
and give them the keys
of these establishment
before I ask them to
lock up when they leave.
- Sure. Makes sense.
Anything else you need?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
One more thing.
You gotta have some pasta!
We want every single
new employee
to become a very fan of
the product, you know.
It's kind of a workplace policy,
you know,
culture thing, you know,
mission, vision, and value. Hey!
It is my mission, hmm,
to reshape
your vision
based only on my values, hmm?
Businessman thing, you know,
huh?
As all the businessmen
do to their employees.
Oh, roasted garlic
with oh, basil.
I hope you like the garlic, ah?
- Oh, I've already actually
already ate some people.
I mean, pizzas!
- You think we don't
know who you are?
You little fanger.
- No.
- Shut up.
- Come on..
You think that I live
all this long
without memorizing all the
names of all the children,
of all the people,
I k*lled?
Ah, the
children always come back
for revenge. A vendetta!
A vendetta!
And you are f*cking
unoriginal, little fanger.
And you come here alone?
You're alone.
The ba*ls. Huh?
The ba*ls!
- Look at all the smoke comin
outta his face.
- I dunno what kind of
critter you are,
but you don't look sanitary,
honey.
- You're lucky I had to come
back from my gravy boat, honey.
- Ha!
Why are you bringing
a gravy boat here for?
- For the roast beef
au jus for the potluck.
- That's right, I didn't
get any roast beef.
- Well, your big hairy
animal g*ons got to it first.
You gotta be fast, boss.
- They should know
How to save a roast beef for me!
- Take it up
with them, Papa Nick.
I ain't the roast beef police.
- I'll f*cking take it
up with them, Dottie.
By the way, did you
save me any au jus
just in case there
were any left?
- It's like a
five-year-old over here.
No.
What in God's hell is
this little thing, anyway?
Reminds me of my sister's
shitty little dog.
- A werewolf,
I guess,
but made with a
Yorkshire terrier.
- Wouldn't be my first choice.
- I knew someone who
had a Yorkshire terrier,
but most importantly,
who had the power to do this.
But why would she
and who is his
person she turned.
Something about this one.
I, gosh, I feel drawn to her.
On a deep level.
- Oh, sh*t!
- Vampower!
- Oh, my sausages.
- Easy!
- Fangtastic.
- Easy. Easy!
Boss, I need help.
This, this is all your fault.
Yes, your fault.
If you cannot handle one fanger,
you don't deserve to
be in my crew,
which means say goodbye
to your 401K match.
- My 401k match?
- And your working from
home allowance.
You should have saved me
some roast beef!
- I didn't know you
knew who I was,
that I even existed.
- Oh, I didn't, I didn't.
I didn't.
Many years ago,
I fell in love.
She was a young witch.
I, a young warlock.
We had a lot of
potential together,
but w*r was brewing
among the races.
Werewolves, witches, vampires,
mobsters.
We had lived
a very uneasy coexistence.
And your mother and I, we both,
we saw that change was coming.
I felt that the right thing
to do was going underground,
become the mobster.
Your mother went deeper
and darker with her magic.
I couldn't bear to watch it.
It changed her.
She'd get obsessed with
cutting the butts off
of little animals, you know,
and put all that into,
you know, into a potion,
butts and potions and all
that weird sh*t all the time.
She even said, "Oh, it
added a nice flavor."
And I bet she hid
a lot from you about all this.
You are not alone.
I didn't know for certain that
you existed up until what?
A couple of days ago.
And I didn't know anything
about your wolfing.
- But you had her k*lled.
I was there. I saw it.
- I did. I did.
I did.
I have to be honest about that.
But it wasn't me.
They made me do it.
The other families
made me do it.
Somehow they found out
that I had a personal
connection with your mother.
And in the mafia
If you don't take revenge
against a witch who
wrongs you.
- They take your pasta license,
and then your life.
But what do we do about the w*r?
What about those glowy
things that you stole?
- Those,
those are the orbs of
rehumaniztation.
- I didn't know those were real.
I thought they were just a myth.
- No, no, no, no, no.
They are very real, my child.
And we're going to use
them to destroy
the vampires, the witches,
the werewolves,
once and for all.
And we are going to do
it together as a family!
La famiglia!
I'll come back at nightfall.
- But I'll be a wolf.
You're talking about k*lling
all creatures of the night.
- Honey. honey,
I would never ever do
that to you.
Hmm?
The orbs are going to cure you.
Don't you want that?
- Yeah.
I'm just scared.
- Oh.
Don't be.
I'll be there for you.
Protecting you.
In fact, I'm going to need you.
Things are not going to be easy.
Hmm hmm.
- Why not?
- To change everyone, we need
to get them all in one place
and to get them all in
one place, we need...
- Cars.
- Well, that perhaps, yeah.
I was about to say, we
need a b*ttlefield.
- Oh, right.
Why? How?
- Let this be a lesson, child.
Starting a w*r is the
quickest way
to get everyone, I mean,
everyone,
under your control.
- That doesn't sound right.
People fight back.
- Yes. Some of them.
But that is what we are
going to count on
with this plan.
Here is what is going to happen.
If I'm right, your fanger friend
got the best of my two g*ons.
He will round up a posse
to come and save you
because he loves you.
I sent a Facebook message
to the witches
telling them that I had you,
and that I was going
to enchant you
so that you
would hunt down their babies
and slice them up
and eat them like little
doggy treats.
- I'm not a monster.
I mean, it's not all
of who I am.
- But that's a big part
of who you are now.
And that's okay. Hmm?
Oh, these horrors
are one of the many
reasons why I detached
from the witching arts, my love.
It is why we need less
sorcery in the world,
fewer creatures of the night.
Not more.
Pasta.
Pasta is more humane.
It promotes peace
and it is so delicious.
- I f*cking love pasta.
- Oh!
- The mafia brings pasta
to the people to feed them,
not feed on them.
And if you feed people
enough pasta, pasta, pasta,
they will fall asleep
and then, then they...
Oh my God.
We are going to take
over the entire world.
Meanwhile, they are
napping away.
- And your g*ons bring
the orbs to the b*ttlefield?
- And their g*ns, just in case.
Then, I cast the spell
and the orbs do their thing.
- And change everyone back,
except for me,
because I'll be back
here at the cabin
while everyone else...
- Then whenever you are ready
and everything is taken care of,
I can change you back, too.
- And I won't be a
Yorkie werewolf anymore?
- Never again.
- Or a witch?
- Right!
- What about you?
Will you still be a warlock?
- Oh , well,
I'm an old man, Jenny,
in actuality.
And if I use the orbs on myself,
I would lose control of
my spells,
my bowels,
my power.
I would die.
- So everyone loses
their power except you?
- Hmm.
It is the way
it gotta be!
Hmm.
I'll be back later.
And there are some
goats outback,
just in case you get hungry.
I would milk them first
so you get something
to wash them down with
and eat some grass.
All right?
- Hmm hmm.
- Goodbye, my child.
Stupid little mutt.
Gullible as her dead
b*tch mother.
- Yes, I'm too tired to
go to w*r again.
- The last one cost
a lot of lives.
- But it did give me her.
I wouldn't trade that
for anything.
- Child, you,
you will end the w*r.
At great cost.
- Besides, you can't write over
what's been written in blood.
- The orbs are going
to cure you.
Don't you want that?
- You were a real b*tch, mom.
And you f*cked me up real bad
because now I'm a
Yorkie werewolf.
But I realize now that dad
might be worse.
I don't trust him.
Farty dead grandma was right.
He needs to be stopped.
The cost for good pasta,
it's too high.
- Damn, we just might be
doomed after all.
This could be the end of
the creatures of the night.
The Mafia has us by the orbs.
- A couple days ago, I was
just a regular teenage girl.
I had a boyfriend and a
mother and a dog.
Now, they're all dead.
And me? I am a Yorkie werewolf.
- My wife got one of those.
- Silence, you herb.
I could k*ll you all
right now if I wanted.
But I don't wanna do that.
What I want to do,
what I need to do is ask
for your help.
Right now, there's a battle
that's about to begin
between the forces of
night and the mafia.
My father is there.
- Was he the Yorkie
or the human?
How does it even work?
Logistic, logistically speaking,
it's gotta be the Yorkie d*ck
inside the human vag*na,
I guess, right?
- Shut up!
That's not how it works.
- Well, I don't know
how it works.
I'm just a guy at a bar.
Don't get all mad at me
just 'cause some little dog
put his d*ck in your mama.
There's always some weird
a*s sh*t in this town.
- Silence!
You know, all too well
what my big orb can do.
- I didn't wanna have to do
that. But sometimes in w*r,
you need to do something
you aren't proud of
to escape when you're trapped.
My mom taught me that.
- But you aren't trapped.
You came in here.
You started talking
all this sh*t,
and then you k*lled this guy.
Now, his only crime was
trying to understand
the logistics of what appears
to be a scientifically
impossible example
of interspecies reproduction.
- Yeah, that's true.
And this isn't a w*r.
It's trivia night.
- Yeah, why did you do that,
doggy?
We didn't do anything to you.
You seemed like a
reasonable little werewolf
before all of this happened.
- We don't need to go
to the extreme,
yet.
Woo.
- Ow.
- f*ck, boss.
I mean, what are you doing?
You were supposed to catch it.
- Ah, that f*cking hurt.
- No, no, cut, cut, cut,
we rehearse this!
You were supposed to
catch it with swagger, eh?
Oh, god damn it.
- Sorry, boss. I'm British.
We don't swagger, we sashay.
Sometimes we mosey, but
that's about it.
- Oh!
- f*cking beautiful g*dd*mn
murdering, you little beast.
f*cking masterful.
I wanna help you m*rder
anyway I can!
- I appreciate that, sir.
What I was trying to say
before is that my father,
who's a warlock and a mobster,
is trying to destroy all
the creatures of the night.
Except for me.
At first, he said he was
gonna rehumanize me too,
but I think that was a lie.
He says he's trying to
keep me safe,
or he thinks that I'm not
as dangerous as the others.
So he didn't take me
to the battle,
but I'm starting to realize
that I'm really
f*cking dangerous.
- What an as*h*le!
Didn't take you to the battle.
- I know.
Anyway, at first I believed
him, that he meant to spare me.
But then I thought about it
and I don't think I
can trust him.
I feel like he's up to
something else
and he was just trying
to keep me outta the way.
- Ya know, that sounds like
a really likely explanation.
- I appreciate your support.
- Oh, what can I do,
little fella?
I need a ride to the
b*ttlefield.
- That's it? No problem.
I got it.
You know,
you probably should
have just led with that
instead of k*lling all
these people.
Such a waste of human life.
I just, even though
it was f*cking amazing
to watch it.
Seems senseless, you know?
You might regret it in
the morning, eh?
But we all make really
huge stupid mistakes
that, you know, sometimes
in the morning
seem unforgivable in
the light of day.
No, no, no.
No, no, I take it all back.
No!
I had big dreams!
- Enough of this.
Just tell us what you want,
Papa. Nick.
- That's simple.
I want all of you,
all of you, I want your fealty.
- Never!
- No, I'm just an ordinary
b*tch, now!
Everyone do what he says.
- So, do you want to
be an ordinary b*tch?
Or instead you want to
hear what I want to say?
For years, I mean, for many,
many years,
we battled each other.
None of you were able
to defeat us,
to defeat the mafia!
Do you know why?
Oh, do you know why,
little fanger?
- Because you're not just a
mobster, you use magic, too.
- Oh.
Wrong!
Wrong.
The reason why you
cannot defeat us
is because you are inadequate.
I mean, you are inadequate.
And there is nothing, I mean,
nothing you can do about it.
f*cking incomplete
compared to us humans,
by your very nature.
- Oh, shut up, Guido.
They cannot help it.
You know, they are all what?
I would say, vulnerable.
The reason why you
cannot defeat us
is because you're never
gonna be what we are!
I don't need any f*cking
magic to defeat ya.
I have my g*ns!
I have my men!
And I have a lot of money.
Money, I made with
wonderful pasta
and many other Italian
American recipes.
Oh.
It is time.
You have to accept
that I defeated all of you
a long time ago.
Swear fealty to me!
And I will protect you
as I'm going to lead you.
And then, and only then,
I'm going to lock this away.
And guess what?
Together,
together, we are going to
take over the freaking world!
We're going to
cleanse everything
with blood, pasta sauce,
and American style recipes.
Or...
Jenny!
How did-
- Hi, dad.
You were late picking me up.
I k*lled a lot of
people tonight.
But those senseless murders
taught me a valuable lesson.
I may be really short,
but I'm still a g*dd*mn
ferocious werewolf!
One of nature's most
beautiful k*lling machines!
- Jenny, Jenny, honey, oh no,
you should not be riding
those motorcycles.
It's a death trap, you know-
- So am I!
- No, no, no, no.
- m*therf*cker!
- Did he just leave?
Wow! You did it.
- No, he just ran away.
But we still need to end
this once and for all.
- f*cking, wait!
- We give up. You
need us anyway.
Without us, this town's
pasta supply would run dry.
You don't want that.
It would be pandemonium.
- Pasta-monium is more like it.
- Shut up.
- Shut up!
- Bollocks. Tough crowd.
- Not on my watch.
I've been making fresh pasta
since I was a human baby.
And I can make the cheese
to go with it.
Kiss me, sweetie.
- Here, in front of everyone?
- This is the end of
the road for us, Chris.
- What?
But we still need to
find and stop Big Nick.
- This is my fight now.
I was made to end this w*r.
- But Jenny, what?
- Take everyone else and
go, Chris, I misspoke.
This is not just my fight.
It's my hunt.
Let's send my daddy a message.
Run for your lives, mooks!
- Please, don't eat me!
- It's coming for us!
- The f*ck was that?
- Don't eat me. I'll
do anything.
- Anything?
- Anything, please.
- Swear fealty to me.
- Fealty.
- Tell me I'm your main b*tch.
- You're my main b*tch,
I swear fealty!
- Good, now here's what you're
going to do for me, my mook.
- It's done.
I hope you're not mad.
I know you loved your daughter.
- I didn't give a damn!
I didn't care about her at all!
- Good to know, papa!
- So...
Ooh!
You used the crystal
to create a copycat
Yorkie werewolf
to trick me.
To trick me!
Towards what end,
ungrateful child?
- Papa go boom.
- Oh, sh*t. Did you see that?
I can't believe it worked.
Jenny, you're the head of
the mafia now.
That's how it works.
- f*cking right, I am.
I owe you a great debt, Cliff.
You may kiss the paw.
- I'll be ready if you
ever need me again.
- Hey, you think that
meatball sub's still good?
- What's wrong?
- This is where our story
comes to an end, Chris.
- You said that already.
Why even ask me to
meet you here?
- I need you to know
that I mean it.
- We could change how
things are done.
We could build something
new in this town together.
- It's not about how I'm
the head of the mafia now
and a werewolf and a witch.
Or actually, it's exactly that.
I'm the total package
and you just don't bring
that much to the table.
I need to be able to explore
all of those identities
with as many sexual
partners as possible.
Man or beast.
- I can join the mafia.
I'm already running
the restaurant for you.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- Fine. I'll learn magic.
- You'll be bad at it.
You don't have a lot of skills.
I'm trying to let you down easy.
Take the hint.
You can be my sex sl*ve from
time to time if you want.
- I do want.
- Great.
Hmm.
I want you to have this.
- But you could use it
to change yourself back.
- This happened to me for
a reason, Chris.
I ended the w*r.
- You mean, we ended the w*r?
- Mostly me though.
It's over.
See you never.
f*ck!
Ah, damn it.
I need a ride.
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