01x21 - Tune Pig

[bunniefuu]

♪ Once upon a time in Toontown ♪

♪ There was a cat that had it all ♪

♪ Fortune and fame, top of the game ♪

♪ Up until he hit the wall ♪

♪ Now he makes a livin' downtown ♪

♪ Walkin' on a brand new beat ♪

♪ Slippin' through the new day
Trippin' on a two-way ♪

♪ Ticket down a one way street
Beep beep beep ♪

♪ Who's that cat ♪

[siren]

♪ Crackin' up crime? ♪

♪ Stoppin' the clock ♪

[clock ticking]

♪ Hope he gets here on time ♪

[old car horn]

-♪ Let's go--
-Bonkers ♪

♪ Yeah! Totally nuts ♪

-♪ Bonkers
-No ifs, ands or but buts ♪

-♪ Bonkers
-Someone's stealin' the show ♪

♪ Can't stay, I gotta go, go! Oh, no! ♪

-♪ Bonkers
-Things gettin' outta control ♪

♪ Now you're caught in a trap
Ready to snap ♪

♪ Snappin' the cap
And you're takin' the rap ♪

♪ But ya can't hold back ♪
That wacky attack ♪

♪ That's why you're still a star ♪

-♪ 'Cause you're--
-Bonkers ♪

-♪ Bonkers
-Bonkers ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Wherever you-- wherever you--
♪ Wherever you-- ♪

♪ Wherever you are ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

[horn honking]

[radio] ♪ You're so right
To be in love with me ♪

♪ It's something you simply must do ♪

That clown sounds
like bologna being sliced.

♪ You really cannot help yourself ♪

♪ I know, because I love me, too ♪

-Dyl!
-Yes, Lucky.

Do you have to play that warbling Romeo on
my day off? I'm doing serious work here.

Well, just maybe I'm trying to remind
someone of a very special occasion.

You don't have to play
his music to remind me

I'm Julio Calamari's police protection
at tomorrow night's concert.

I was hoping to shake loose a more
romantic response than that.

What's romance got to do with babysitting
a singer who gives you gas?

Be grateful you've got headlights
instead of ears.

Now if I could just figure a way
out of that Calamari duty.

[honking]

Bonkers.

[honking continues]

[coughing]

Hiya, big guy.

Bonkers! How very nice to see you.

-It is?
-Well, of course it is.

Have I ever not been glad to see
my partner,

my inspiration,
my do-anything-for-a-friend friend?

You want me to do a favor, don't ya?

Not at all. I'm gonna do you a favor.

You gotta lend me to have
a squad car after all?

Whoa! Wait a while.

Why in the world would I let you use my

official police squad
car assigned personally to yours truly?

'Cause you promised.

Oh, but this is much better than
borrowing the old squad car.

-It is?
-Oh, you bet!

I'm gonna let you have the honor--
No, no--

The privilege of guarding
Julio Calamari tomorrow night.

You're gonna let me do that? I love that
guy! What about the squad car?

I told you, I'm not letting you
borrow my squad car.

But, Lucky, we're friends who
do each other favors.

You do me a favor, I do you a favor.
You do me a favor, I do you a favor.

What am I supposed to do without
my transportation?

Not to worry, old best friend of mine.

Check it out!

Not the scooter.

Please, not the toon scooter.

[honking] Yeah!

You and me, Lucky, the wind in our faces,
the bugs in our teeth.

Never! Not in a million years. Nix!
Negative! Uh-uh! Nadamente!

Okay, okay. Can't blame a guy for trying.

Anywho, I came to give you
your anniversary present.

Anniversary? Don't be silly.

It's not our anniversary til...

way off sometime in-- tomorrow night.

Forgot huh? I don't want to say
you're in the doghouse, Lucky

but Pluto's airing out a spare room.

That's why the little lady was playing all
that dippy, kissy-face music.

Oh, Bonkers! What are you doin' here?

I'm doomed.

Looks like she caught us Lucky.

You want to fill her in,
you romantic slob, you?

Bonkers, what are you going on about?

Uh, no, y-you go ahead
and tell her, Bonkers.

Gee. Lucky had me get you these as
a surprise anniversary gift.

Oh, you big phony, I thought you'd
forgotten... again.

[chuckles] Not this time, babe.

So, Luckster, what time should
I have the old squad car back?

What? You can't...

-Oh, yeah...
-[car starts]

-In the morning, I guess.
-See ya!

What concert would that be again?

Stop playing coy with me.
The Julio Calamari concert tomorrow night!

Don't worry, Lucky. Bonkers told me
to take good care of you.

[voice cracking]

[Julio coughing and clearing throat]

Ah, you beautiful man.

I'd kiss myself if it didn't hurt so much
to turn my lips inside out.

And now, the moment
you've all been waiting for.

I, the incomparable
Julio Calamari, will sing!

[off-key] ♪ You're so right to be ♪

♪ In love with... ♪

Hey! What's the matter with you?

Didn't you hear me say
I was going to sing?

So, sing, you little pork chop!

No, sir.

No?

You dare to tell The Great Calamari no?

N-not until you let me see my mama.

Your mother is in a very safe place

as long as you keep singing.

The animals at old McDonald's petting zoo
are treated so sweet...

That is, if everyone keeps cooperating.

[alarm beeps]

He's a dead toon.

[honking] Hiya, Luckster. Need a ride?

-No.
-You're gonna be late for work.

Oh, alright. Police headquarters
and step on it!

[honking]

-[dings]
-[tire screeching]

-[siren buzzer]
-Oh!

Come back down here, Bonkers.

Is that you, Lucky? Uh, nice haircut.

Never mind my hair, Bonkers.

I got just the case for us, boss-o-mio.
Just came in.

It involves a missing toon pig, see?

And her baby's missing, too.
Charlie's his name.

Cute little guy, huh?

Suppose you tell me
what happened to my squad car.

Oh, Lucky, it was great!

Everything was goin' fine till that dumb
cliff jumped outta nowheres.

Cliff.

But you don't have to worry about that
silly old car til it's out of the shop.

Shop!

[Bonkers] Not to worry, Lucky.

We'll get to it after
I check out Calamari.

I said, who's the greatest one of all?

Why, you, of course, my dear Julio.

[chuckles] Oh, true. True!

Oh, brother.

And don't you forget it, sausage breath!

[knocking]

Who dares to disturb
Calamari the genius, huh?

Officer Bonkers, sir!

Officer? Ah, yes!
That complaint of pigs squealing!

It was just me getting excited.

I'm not here about any complaints.

I'm your personal concert security
and your biggest fan.

-What's in here?
-No! Uh, don't open that.

[rumbling]

-[crashing]
-Aah!

What's all this?

Hmm. "Sty-side nibbles...

Bite-sized pellets to keep your piglet
fat and happy"?

Hmm. Baby pig food.
This reminds me of something.

A wonderful nutrition for the voice.
Eh, I eat it by the gross.

Gross is the word, alright.

Try some.

Hmm. Amazing what a toon
will do for a laugh, isn't it?

You see?
It's wonderful for the-- [gagging]

The throat thingies.

Ahem.

♪ Do do do do ♪

♪ Re re re ♪

[Charlie] ♪ Mi mi mi ♪

♪ Who was that that that? ♪

Oh, you see? It makes you sound
like you have two voices. [chuckles]

Amazing! I thought it was that little toon
pig you keep under your chair. Toon pig?

That reminds me of something.

I must ask you to leave. You see,
I have a performance to prepare for.

Hey, I can't wait. I'm your second-biggest
fan next to my partner's wife.

Yes, how charming.

Why don't you go far, far away

and give her this pass to after
concert dinner with me in person?

Wow! Thanks!

I hate cops!

Especially toon cops!

Please hurry, Lucky. We're already late.

I hope I don't see anyone I know.

Now, don't drive fast because
I just had my hair-- Ooh!

[scooter] Piece of cake.

[honking]

[Dyl and Lucky yelling]

[yelling continues]

[Dyl] Oh, my stars!

-[Dyl] Oh.
-[Lucky coughing] Oh! Whew!

Thank you! Thank you!

You have wonderful taste! [laughing]

Good night! Good night! Buy more tickets!

You made us miss the concert!

What happened?

[sarcastic] Why, Lucky,

I can't remember when
I've had so much fun.

Thank you so very much
for a wonderful evening.

Nothing but the best

for almost-lieutenant Piquel's
number one source of entertainment.

Well, I do my best.

Can I see my mama now?

You may never see her again
with that toon cop hanging around.

In the meantime, keep your mouth shut
and rest your vocal cords.

Sleep tight.

[Calamari laughing]

I got to keep my little piggy safe
so he can sing me all the way to the top!

[gasps]

[laughing continues]

I guess things can't get
much worse than this.

Lucky! Dyl! Great concert, huh?

We missed it.

Excuse me, but are you seat number 221-b?

Oh, terrific! Now he's going to tell us

we're in trouble for missing
the concert in the wrong seats.

No. These are our seats alright.

Congratulations, Mrs. Dyl Piquel!
You've won our special door prize.

At this particular moment,
we have no great need for a door--

Don't mind him. He's my husband.
What'd I win?

An after-concert dinner
at crumbs leftover palace

as personal guest
of Julio Calamari in person.

Dinner with Calamari? Tonight?
Oh, you wonderful man!

One ticket?

There's only one ticket.

I'm sure it was an oversight, Lucky.

We were busy singing scales
with his baby toon pig.

Hmm. Why does that remind me of something?

This is turning out to be the best
anniversary we've ever had.

There's only one ticket.

-Toon pig... Hmm.
-An evening with my favorite performer!

I don't like this one ticket business.

Ooh, you're very sweet, Lucky.
But I know you can't stand him.

Now, I can enjoy myself,
and you can have the night off after all.

[scoffs] Some night off!
What am I supposed to do?

Now where's that scooter?

[honking and panting] You beeped?

Home, and make it snappy this time.

I've got a dinner date
with a hot autograph.

[Bonkers] I wonder if Calamari will take
his toon pig to dinner too?

Toon pig?

Lucky, that's it!

Calamari kidnapped the toon pig!

Great. My wife's going to dinner
with a criminal.

And I'm not just referring
to singing voice.

Come on, Lucky. We got to save her!

[Lucky] We can't do anything rash.

Yeah. We gotta come up with a plan,

an idea, a perception,
an insight, a "stragety".

Can you stand over there and be quiet?

Not so close, please?

A plan to keep Charlie
and his mother safe,

something to distract Calamari while

I question Charlie about
his mother's whereabouts...

That's it!

Whaa? Oof! Don't ever touch
a police officer there.

Sorry. You didn't signal your stop.

Never mind that, Lucky.
I got a plan, an idea, a strategy--

Spit it out!

I'll distract Calamari.

You question Charlie about mama.

Brilliant, and Charlie and his mama
will be safe, right?

Trust me.

[Lucky grumbling]

Okay. Charlie is right down there.

Where?

Right down there. He is in the cage
under Calamari's chair.

You go down and talk to Charlie.
While I keep Calamari busy.

How am I supposed to get down there?

Why can't I just keep my mouth shut?

Whoa!

[knocking]

Now what?

Yes?

Are you the guy who wanted a haircut?
Or the guy who wanted them all cut?

[buzzer]

Yes?

Someone here called about a big drip?

No!

Are you sure you're alright, sir?

Oh, sure, sure.

The bleeding's stopped now and...

both my hips have popped
back out of my collarbone.

-[doorbell rings]
-Yes?

Telegram for Mr. Kalamazoo.

No one here by that name.

[chuckles] So fill me in.

Well, you see, sir.

It all started when Calamari offered my
mama a job at old McDonald's petting zoo.

-[cowbells ring]
-Candy for Mr. Kalamazoo.

No!

[car horn blows]

Flowers for Mr. Kalamazoo?

No, no, no, no!

Hi. Kalamazoo's the name.
Anything come for me?

[Calamari screams]

[crashes]

-Ah! That ought to hold them.

[buzz]

[laughing] Come in.

-[crashing]
-Officer Bonkers reporting, Mr. C.!

I heard you've been plagued by solicitors.

I'm here to take you to safety.

Never mind that.
I have a dinner to attend.

Come on, Julio. I'll escort you
personally, by myself.

I have to look after my chair.

-Uh, chair?
-Well of course.

I have a dinner engagement,
and I never go anywhere without my chair.

[teeth rattling]

You see my chair is my trademark.

I never leave home without it.

You really want a chair running
your life? Just say no.

Listen, Officer, I heard something
in there with my chair

just a few minutes ago.

Wait, Mr. Calamari.

I am the policeman assigned
to protect you.

I shall check it out!

Ah, Bonkers, you're just in time.

No time. Tell me later.

[crashes]

Just get in here quick!

What's going on?

Turns out you're going to dinner
with Calamari after all.

See? Everything's fine.

Yes? Fine?

Your services are no longer required,
officer Bonkers. Goodbye.

[tires squealing]

Are you in there, Charlie?

Yes, we're here. I-- I mean, I'm here.

Good, good, good, good.
Everything will be fine...

Now that, that fuzzy cop
is out of the picture.

[Dyl] Now darling,
you can't have dinner with us.

You were not invited.

But I thought you liked me.

Oh, honey, you're just too freewheelin'
for this stuffy place like this.

I am, aren't I?

-Well, if you need me, just whistle.
-[honks]

I'll remember that.

[tires squeal]

[Charlie] What happens now?

We wait for my partner to make his move.

Oh! My dear lady,

what an honor for you to share
this repast with me, yes?

Oh, Mr. Calamari,
I am so thrilled to meet you.

Ah ha! Oh h*!

Care to order?

Have a seat and peruse the cuisine.

Don't I know you?

Nah. All us public servants look alike.

Bonkers?

You see? She thinks
I'm somebody else, too.

Le oops. See the clumsy waiter
drop ze menu.

Excusez moi.

Lucky, enjoying dinner?

Hiya, Pigster.

Bonkers. Stop playing around.

You have to get Charlie's mom
away from old McDonald

so we can arrest Calamari.

That farmer? Piece of cake.
You guys sit tight.

I don't see how we can sit any other way.

Right there. Soup is on ze way.

We haven't ordered!

-[engine starts]
-[tires screeching]

[train whistle blows]

[tries screech]

Whew! Old Mac never was much of a farmer.

But the old hayseed sure loves animals.

Now, all's I have to do
is find Charlie's mom.

[crying]

Hey, mom, you can turn off the waterworks.

Who are you?

Charlie's sent me to get you out.

Oh, that's lovely, dear,
but who's going to get you out?

Uh-oh! I'm really in the soup now!

Soup!

Hold that thought! I'll be right back!

[train whistle blows]

[crashes]

[tires screech]

Soup's on!

Bon appetit.
And don't let the bed bugs bite.

-See ya at the salad bar.
-[screams] Hot! Oh! Soup! Yeah!

It's about time I showed Dyl
what this goon is really all about.

[Lucky] Look! It's Julio Calamari!

-[women scream]
-[Lucky] Sing for us, Julio!

Oh, wonderful! Oh, Julio,
won't you sing for us?

-Sing for us!
-Oh, yes! I love you, Julio!

Eh, yes, eh, of course I-- I will sing.

It will get me out
of range of that waiter!

Now, you were about to k*ll me,
why are you keeping this mother

and her poor,
defenseless little baby apart?

Eh, mother?

Thank you. Thank you. Yes,
I deserve more, but thank you anyway.

You just relax, Charlie.
I'll handle the vocals on this one.

-So, I sing... now.
-Shh!

[off-key] ♪ You're so right-- ♪

Ahem. [coughing] Excuse me. Eh, umm...

We have a little pig in my... uh, throat.

I will sing... now!

[Lucky] Ouch!

I will sing... Now!

Go for it, Lucky. Make him pay.

Anything to keep from
getting kicked again.

[Lucky sings off-key]
♪ You're so right to be ♪

♪ In love with me and stuff ♪

♪ It's somethin' you simply must do ♪

I know that voice!

♪ You really cannot help yourself ♪

♪ I know because I love me ♪

♪ too ♪

-What a phony!
-You fraud! Boo!

-[crowd yelling]
-That's terrible!

Well! I must be going.

Lucky, he's gettin' away.

I can't move, cramps.

You're not going anywhere,
microphone breath!

[whistles]

[scooter chuckles]

Whaa ha ha!

Calamari, we are here!

[Charlie] Mama!

-Baby!
-Mama!

-Dylie.
-Lucky!

-Bonkers.
-Scoots!

Ya got what it takes.

And I get great mileage, too.

Well now. You shouldn't have messed with
a mother, Calamari. I just won't have it.

But I had to have his voice!

[crying]

You'll have plenty of time to improve
your singing...

in sing-sing!

[Dyl] Oh, Lucky, you know
I don't want anyone but you.

And how could I find anyone
with better taste than you.

Mmm, Lucky? One more time?

-Ooh, Dyl.
-Please, for me?

Aw, alright.

♪ You're so right to be in love with me ♪

♪ It's somethin' ya simply must do ♪

[dogs bark and howl]

♪ You really cannot help yourself ♪

♪ I know, because I love me, too ♪

[theme music playing]