02x06 - Trains, Toons, and Toon Trains

[bunniefuu]

♪ Once upon a time in Toontown ♪

♪ There was a cat that had it all ♪

♪ Fortune and fame top of the game ♪

♪ Up until he hit the wall ♪

♪ Now he makes a livin' downtown ♪

♪ Walkin' on a brand new beat ♪

♪ Slippin' through the new day
Trippin' on a two-way ♪

♪ Ticket down a one-way street
Beep beep beep ♪

♪ Who's that cat ♪

[siren]

♪ Crackin' up crime? ♪

♪ Stoppin' the clock ♪

[clock ticking]

♪ Hope he gets here on time ♪

[old car horn]

-♪ Let's go--
-Bonkers ♪

♪ Yeah totally nuts ♪

-♪ Bonkers
-No ifs ands or but buts ♪

-♪ Bonkers
-Someone's stealin' the show ♪

♪ Can't stay I gotta go go oh no ♪

-♪ Bonkers
-Things gettin' outta control ♪

♪ Now you're caught in a trap
Ready to snap ♪

♪ Snappin' the cap
And you're takin' the rap ♪

♪ But ya can't hold back ♪
That wacky attack ♪

♪ That's why you're still a star ♪

-♪ 'Cause you're--
-Bonkers ♪

-♪ Bonkers
-Bonkers ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Wherever you-- wherever you--
Wherever you-- ♪

♪ Wherever you are ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

[typewriting]

It might help if you used
a typewriter, Bonkers.

Yeah, but that's not funny.

[chuckling] Now that's funny.

Forget funny! I'm stuck.

[Grating] Yeah, Sheriff,
I have the folder right here.

Sheesh. He's ugly, all right.

But I've seen worse. I'd love to help you
transport him to the pen,

but I can't spare any officers.

[crash]

On second thought, Sheriff,
I got just the cops for ya.

[Miranda] Bonkers the next time you want
to type a report, call a temp.

Gee, Miranda, you think Sarge was mad?

That's why we're taking the train upstate.

Really? We're going on a trip?

Yeah. To the state pen.
You, me, Mr. Personality.

Pretty trendy. Who is he?

Vic "Stiff-Lips" Sullivan.

He's the last of the Krasnick
g*ng still alive.

You know what that means.

He eats right and gets lots of exercise?

He's the only one who knows where they
hid the jewels, but he's never talked.

The mobs, the cops,
nobody can get it outta him.

The FBI's been questioning him for weeks.

You know how tough they can be.

Please tell us where
the jewels are buried.

Please, oh, please, oh, please.

Wow. The FBI's got him on his knees.

Bonkers, that is the FBI.

Just trying out the department's
new kinder, gentler method.

I'll make this shmoe talk.

Where are the jewels? How many are there?

Who played shortstop for the '58 yankees?

Spell the bean,
shine some light on the subject!

Yeow! [crash]

I'll be down in a minute.

[crash]

Hey, you're funny.

[horse laugh]

Told ya I'd make him talk.

Guess, we'll be seeing a lot of each other
in the next eight hours, big guy.

If the train is on time.

Hey, trains are great Miranda.

They go chuka-chuka.
They blow smoke, and--

Yee-haw!

They do that cowboy thing.

Loco!

Yee-haw, little buddy!

It's my pal, "the locomotive kid."

[toot toot]

What's a pretty parlor car like you doin'
with an ornery Bobcat like Bonkers?

I'm kinda stuck with him. He's my partner.

Partner? I can't believe they'd let
a crazy tabby like you

wear a badge?

I wore a badge in Trail Mix
Mayhem, remember?

I remember. You were...

...a riot! Yee-haw!

-Yeowww!
-Haw!

That guy cracks me up.

-Haw haw haw!
-Come on, Chuckles.

There's more laughs where that came from.

There goes our patient, Helga.
Did you bring my tools?

Yes, Dr. Blaine.

That's Mr. Blaine.

Remember, I was kicked out
of dental school.

Sorry. Good thing we brought
the truth serum.

What, no TV?

Haw haw!

The toon's a riot.

Haw!

Bonkers, keep an eye on His Royal
Stoneface while I scope out the train okay

Comfy?

Oops. Heh heh.

We should hook you maybe
to something else.

Ugh! Come on! Come on! Gughh!

There.

[alarm blaring]

Ah, nothing like a refreshing midday nap.

Now where were we?

Perfect. Tell me, Mr. Lips...
or may I call you "Stiff"?

I hear you have some jewels
stashed away someplace, hmm?

Yikes! Flood.

[screaming]

[screaming]

Haw, haw, haw

I'm bustin' a gut here.

Haw!

Gotcha!

Haw!

You k*ll me. Okay, I'll talk.

[Blaine] Ready to deliver room service?

Yes, doctor-- uh--uh, sir.

Knockout gas and truth serum.

Perfect, and you know what to do, right?

We knock out the cops and spray
Stiff-Lips with the truth serum.

Wow! Stiff, what a great place
to hide jewels,

but, uh, why tell me?

You're the only one
who ever made me laugh.

Really? I am? Ooh! I'm touched.

You never laughed as a child, eh?
Tell me about your mother.

Maid service.

Fresh pillows?

No. I already had my nap.

Vell, have another!

Hey! Complimentary cologne.

You mean it's not complimentary?

Ooow...

[crash]

Strong stuff.

Hey, wait a minute.

Did you know somebody put knockout
gas in your cologne?

Of course somebody did.

Me!

You?

Hey! Then you're under arrest.

Freeze!

There's two undercover cops
in that Murphy bed.

Joe Murphy, Ted Murphy, come out!

Hey, I said freeze, not run.

Uh-oh. Yeowww!

[crash]

Bonkers, what happened?

This really big maid knocked out Stiff
with cheap cologne.

The mob's after Stiff-Lips.
Hide him. I'll get this maid.

Miranda, I know a secret.

Not now, Bonkers.

It would be so inconvenient
if they got Stiff-Lips off the train

before we talked to him.

[Helga] I will not fail again.

Hey, that'll help.

Ugh. You ever thought
about a diet, big guy?

Ugh!

Can I have a pastry, please?

[screaming]

Oops.

Aieow!

Hmm.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Lady, you got a ticket?

Nobody gets on my train without a ticket.

Know what happened to the last person
without a ticket?

I made him get off Jersey.

[laughing]

My goodness, what happened here?

You should've seen it.
Talk about life imitating art.

I did the same stunt
in Some Like It Bonkers

[laughing]

the scene where the mob thinks
the jewels I know where are buried.

The funny part is this time I do know
where the jewels are buried.

You know where the jewels are?

Something funny?

[gulp] Forget it. Bad joke.

Oh, no. It's no joke at all.

You're going to tell us
where the jewels are buried.

You're not a real dentist.
Where's your license?

I don't need one to use this baby.

On second thought... [screaming]

Tell us where the jewels are.

Hey, watch it!

[train whistle toots]

[both] Huh?

Find him!

Ugh!

Having a good time?
You just made me lose my g*n.

Big drill. Whirr-whirrr! Owww!

What are you talking about?

The jewels. The secret. Whirr-whirrr!

Bonkers, spit it out!

That's what the dentist said.

Dentist what dentist?

Well, actually he's not a dentist.

He knows I know where the jewels are.

You know where the jewels are?

Yup, but Stiff-lips made
me promise not to tell.

I couldn't drag it out of me in million,
bagrillion years.

-Want a hint?
-Later. Where's Stiff-Lips?

Don't worry about him.
He's in a great hiding place.

Good, then right now, we got to hide you.

Hide, great idea.

Bonkers. Bonkers!

Oh, great. First I lose the maid,
then my g*n, now my partner.

I should've stayed home
and watched the soaps.

Hey, let me out! You'd better let me out!

I don't see him. Keep looking.

[Bonkers] This isn't funny!

This is scary, dark, and very tight.

I normally take--

Hi.

Yeow!

Whoa-ohh!

Helga, help.

Get him!

Yes, doctor.

You will tell me the truth, kitty.

I'm over here! No. Over here!
No! Over here.

I recommend the soup...

even though it tastes
like the chef took a bath in it.

Go ahead. sh**t. I'm a toon.
That stuff won't work on me.

I cannot tell a lie.

Excellent. Tell me where
the jewels are buried.

Okay. They're--

Surprise!

You can't keep a secret, can you?

No, Miranda.

I'm under the effects of a truth serum.

So here's what I really think
about this chocolate cake.

I'd prefer coconut with sprinkles.

Hang on, Bonkers.

Miranda, did I ever tell you
how much I enjoy your company?

Yeah, lot's of times.

Oh. Well, remember the time
you lost your keys?

You didn't.

I swallowed them.

You what?

Truth be told, Miranda...

not now, Bonkers.

Aha!

Ugh! Ugh!

How about some help, Bonkers?

She could smash my face,
but anything for you, Miranda.

I cannot tell a lie.
What I really want to do is act.

"O, Romeo, Romeo,
wherefore art thou, Romeo?"

Wait. I love this play.

The jewels-- where are they?

Well, I'll tell you. They--

Helga, stop them!

No. I'd rather dance.

Funf, sechs, sieben, acht...

♪ Doon do-doont ♪
Da-doo da-doo da-doont ♪

What the--

This is Stiff-Lips' great hiding place?

Bonkers, what were you thinking?

I cannot tell a lie.

Best seat on the train,
great view, fresh air.

♪ Doon da-dee-dee ♪

What am I doing?

I'm so embarrassed.

Bonkers snap out of it.

We got to think of something quick.

Any closer, and I'll jump.

He means it. He can't lie.

Boy, it's slippery up here.

It sure would be bad if I fell.

Then you wouldn't get those jewels.

Uh, Bonkers.

You're nothin' without me, doc.

Uh, Bonkers

Urghh, Bonkers?

The kitty goes.

Aah!

I'll catch you... Miranda.

Thanks, Bonkers. You broke my fall.

Ugh! Don't mention it.

[train whistle blows]

You couldn't let it go.
Could you, Bonkers.

You couldn't let Stiff-Lips
keep his little secret. Nooo.

Now look where we are, in cactus land
getting a heavy-duty suntan,

and me without tanning lotion.

Don't worry, Miranda.
We'll come up with... an idea.

Wait. I just got one.

Hit me.

Bonkers, don't be so hard on yourself.

Let me. Kids, don't try this at home.

Bingo.

Off you go, Little Fella.

We gotta get back to the train
before they hurt Stiff-Lips.

This won't hurt a bit... unfortunately,

so don't even think about
getting a Lollipop.

[wheels screech]

Helga, get the smelling salts.

♪ I've been workin' on the railroad ♪

♪ All my live-long life ♪♪

Huh? Shoo! Get outta here, birdy!

Help!

The little critter's in trouble.

Yee-haw!

[Helga] He's awake.

Ah, finally. No more interruptions.

[wheels screeching]

[Blaine] Who's driving this thing?

I think your bird flew south
for the winter Bonkers.

He must be an early bird. It's only July.

-[Loco] Yee-haw!
-Loco!

And who says the trains run late?

Saddle up, partners.

Think you can catch up to our train, Loco?

They don't call me Loco for nothin'.
Yee-haw!

I love this cowboy stuff.

Hang on, prairie dogs. I know a shortcut.

Yee-haw!

Hold on to your holsters.

[screaming]

[screech]

I knew I should a had the brakes checked.

[Loco gurgling] Yee-haw!

That's it. I'm walkin'.

Look! There's the train.

Yee-haw!

[coughing]

Hang on, partner.

This time, no shortcuts, OK?

[Loco] Yee-haw!

Time to rustle up Stiff-Lips.

[Miranda] Hold on, Bonkers.

Happy trails, partner.

Call me anytime you want a roundup.

Yee-hee!

Oops. Sorry about that.

Have you seen a phony dentist
and a really large woman?

Nice tattoo.

Wake up, you boulder head.

Ha ha! Now you'll never know
where the jewels are.

On second thought, I'll draw you a map.

Got a pen?

Bonkers, what are you doing?

The directions are complicated.

You can't hurt my buddy.

Stop! you don't want to get any stiffer
than you are now.

If you'll excuse us, officer.

-We're rich!
-We're rich!

-We're rich!
-We're rich!

Oh, we're stinkin' rich!

We'd better send backup after the jewels.

Uh, that won't be necessary, Miranda.

What do you mean?

Ironic, isn't it?

[Grating] Yes, Sheriff.

They did do an excellent job.

Isn't it great Stiff-Lips
got a reduced sentence?

Too bad he'll need all that bridgework.

A commendation?
Let's not get carried away.

Yes, sir.

I bet you two think you're somethin', huh?

Well, I got news for ya.

You let two suspects get away.

But, Sarge, you don't know
where I told them the jewels were buried.

I don't care if you told them
they were buried in the oval office!

You blew a collar!

What do you say to that?

We're rich! We're rich! We're--

under arrest.

Neat, huh?

[Grating] Bobcat!

[theme music playing]