02x09 - Springtime for the Iguana

[bunniefuu]

♪ Once upon a time in Toontown ♪

♪ There was a cat that had it all ♪

♪ Fortune and fame top of the game ♪

♪ Up until he hit the wall ♪

♪ Now he makes a livin' downtown ♪

♪ Walkin' on a brand new beat ♪

♪ Slippin' through the new day
Trippin' on a two-way ♪

♪ Ticket down a one-way street
Beep beep beep ♪

♪ Who's that cat ♪

[siren]

♪ Crackin' up crime? ♪

♪ Stoppin' the clock ♪

[clock ticking]

♪ Hope he gets here on time ♪

[old car horn]

-♪ Let's go--
-Bonkers ♪

♪ Yeah totally nuts ♪

-♪ Bonkers
-No ifs ands or but buts ♪

-♪ Bonkers
-Someone's stealin' the show ♪

♪ Can't stay I gotta go go oh no ♪

-♪ Bonkers
-Things gettin' outta control ♪

♪ Now you're caught in a trap
Ready to snap ♪

♪ Snappin' the cap
And you're takin' the rap ♪

♪ But ya can't hold back
That wacky attack ♪

♪ That's why you're still a star ♪

-♪ 'Cause you're--
-Bonkers ♪

-♪ Bonkers
-Bonkers ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Wherever you-- wherever you--
Wherever you-- ♪

♪ Wherever you are ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

[ding]

We must be getting close to the studio.
I'm getting goose bumps on my goose bumps!

You know, I haven't been to Big Bang
Pictures since I left to become a cop.

Of course, you're graduating from cartoons
into live-action. If you get the part.

What do you mean, 'if' ?

You think I might not get the part?

[Bonkers] Here we are the casting office
of Big Bang Pictures.

Home of the greatest actors
to ever grace the silver screen.

Whaaa!

[caw]

[caw]

These are great actors?
I've seen more talent in a petri dish.

Announce me.

Ahem!

Ladies and gentlemen!
Boys and girls of all ages,

introducing that artiste
of the extraordinary--

not you... that master
of the unimaginable--

[elephant roaring]

Nope.

[Lizzard] Get on with it!

Right. Here he is,
the greatest living actor on earth...

Roderick Lizzard!

Oh, big deal.

Some actors and I use the word loosely--

will never make the leap
into live-action films.

They lack my training, my charisma,

my...

mouthwash, sir?

Not yet, Tuttle. Inform the producers
I'm here to star in their masterpiece.

They casting fools haven't heard
the last of crunchy potato chip.

I knew you looked familiar.
I see your TV commercials every time.

Say it once, please?

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Crunchy potato chips. They're crunchy,
munchy and so, so good.

Wow! That just knocks me out.

It knocks me out too, with boredom.
I'm ready to bust out of commercials.

Movies are where big bucks are,
right, Lizard?

That's Lizzard!

They'll see you now.

I'm the director, Warren Hackaway.

Please to meet you, Lizard.

That's Lizzard.

No time for schmooze.
Show us what you got.

But so, what light through
yonder window breaks?

I like it. I like it a lot.

It is the East, and Juliet is the Sun.

Great scales.

Great scales.

-Perfect.
-[both] Don't ever change.

The film is called Night of the Iguana.

Excellent. I adore Tennessee Williams.

Who?

Stella!

They don't write them like that anymore.

He's a yucky lime yellow. I love it.

Ghastly color.

Oh, yecchh!

[both] Don't ever change.

Well, did you get the part?

Is Roderick Lizzard starring
in his first live action film?

Of course.

Meet Big Bang Pictures' next leading man.

Gentlemen, I'm sure we'll all agree
we've found our leading monster.

Alright Ashley, here's the setup.

You hear eerie noises
from your fiance's lab.

In fear of your life,
you burst through the door.

Troy, when Ashley breaks in,

you accidentally pour the entire content
from the test tube into the tank.

It's a major disaster. And action!

Just a single drop of this precious elixir
will bring my creature to life.

[Ashley] Troy?

Ashley?

Oh, Troy! Aah!

What's that?

[gasps]

My creature!

Don't look, Ashley.

-Growl. Growl.
-Cut ! Cut! Cut!

I'm glad you cut, Warren.
I'd like to discuss my dialogue.

What do "rrrr" and "grrr" mean?

Are they words?

Look, those aren't words.
They're the anguished guttural sound

of a fierce creature
unleashed on the world!

What about this ooze?

You need that to feel the depth
of your character's savagery.

But, Warren, my clothes.
They'll get soiled.

Well, now that you mention it,
you'd be better off if you lost the scarf.

My lucky scarf?

Here. Guard this with your life
or preferably something of actual value.

I just need to find one thing
to nail that lizard.

Nah, this could be anybody's.

♪ Nobody knows the trouble I've seen ♪♪

Oh, hello.

Nice scarf. Just what I need...

Master told me to guard this with my life.

Nothing could make me give it up.

Ah-choo!

Here. I've no tissue.

Ready? And action.

Oh, Troy, it was so ghastly.

There, there, Ashley, my dear.
It's gone now.

♪ I'm back ♪

[screaming]

I'm not feeling any fear here.

Sweetie, something tells me
you haven't read Night of the Iguana.

I'm quite familiar with
Tennessee Williams' classic.

Now, about my makeup--

You don't wear any makeup.

Clearly an oversight. About wardrobe--

You don't have any wardrobe.

Precisely my point.
How can I deliver greatness

when stripped with everything
but my smile?

Lose the smile.

But, Warren--

Don't "but, Warren" me, Lizzard.
We're not doing Tennessee Williams

or Robin Williams or Andy Williams.

This is not a remake of any classic.
It's a film about an iguana.

A naked, no makeup, monster iguana!

[gulps]

Then where is the beast?

[hiss]

How dare you? I'm the leading man!

No, you're the leading iguana.

Unbelievable. Nobody would expect
Al Pacino to eat bugs

and slither on the ground.

Exactly. That's why we bypassed
Pacino and hired you.

We're going for realism.

This is an outrage, a dreadful miscasting!

A--a...

A job?

Then I'd prefer the unemployment line.
At least there I'm amongst actors.

He's kidding. He's a kidder.

You signed Mr. Contract!

He'll be back tomorrow.
I'll take care of it.

Actors.

They never change.

[doorbell chimes]

[grunting]

Anything I can do for you, Bonkers?

[grunting]

Yeow!

I'm trying to inspire you to be a monster!

[grunting]

Very persuasive.

What about Mickey Mouse?

He played the lowly role
of a steamboat captain.

-So?
-So he made something of it.

You have a point.
I'm an actor. I can play anything!

If Mickey can drive a boat,
I can play a monster,

a gangster, a politician!

That's it! Think of it stardom,
multi-picture deals, Broadway!

The legitimate theater. I'll go on tour.

I can see it now,
Roderick Lizzard is Gypsy!

You mean, I'll never see you again, sir?

What are we waiting for?

Bonkers, when do rehearsals begin?

[director] You're about to see dailies
for the first day of sh**ting.

Unfortunately, Lizzard is so bad,
we hired someone to redo his dialogue.

[snaps fingers]

[beep]

[grunting]

I think this works.

Let's see now.

Aha!

[laughing]

[grunting]

Fire? I don't remember any fire.

Fire? Fire's hot.

I like it.

[sniffing]

[all] Fire!

This burns me up!

What kind of monster
would do such a thing?

Lizzard will never eat bugs
in this town again!

No, it can't be true, Miranda.
Roderick would never set a fire.

He'd ruin his manicure.

The studio has evidence, Bonkers.
We have to arrest Roderick.

[Lizzard] Did someone speak my name?

Bad news. Somebody burned
the film last night.

You call that bad news?

Now we can start again.

I spent all night working on my "Rrrr!"

They found this after the fire.
We have to put you under arrest.

Preposterous! Outlandish!

I was with Tuttle all evening.

He's my witness, my alibi.

[snoring]

Tell them Tuttle.

Tell them what?

I'm a dead man.

I can't do it!

Read him his rights, Miranda.

What do we do now?
We need a new monster fast!

Don't sweat it, boys. Your search is over.

You again.

You got a choice?

The chip's got a point.

Wait a minute!

I know, we'll call it
Night of The Big Dip.

I can see it now.

She likes him mashed.
Now he wants her fried.

-I love it!
-Perfect.

[both] Don't ever change.

I won't sleep as long as Roddy sits
in jail for a crime he didn't commit.

What are you doing anyway?

Packing a few necessities
for master Lizzard's jail cell.

Looks like you packed everything
but the kitchen sink.

Good idea.

I'm going to get the guy who did it.
Nothing will distract me.

Wow! Roderick knows Darkwing Duck!

Roddy really loved that scarf.
Now the question is...

who put it in the projection booth?

No idea. One minute I give
it to the potato chip,

then next minute it's a minute later.

You gave the scarf to Crunchy?

Of course! He knew this movie
would make him a star.

But didn't plan on Roddy getting the part.

But once he had the scarf,
Roddy's blamed for the fire,

and Crunchy got the role!

Too bad there's no connection.

The green monster makeup
is very putrid, Crunchster.

Marvelous!

Okay, Crunchy thing,
this is the big birth scene.

When the crunch monster comes to life.
Give me a lot of emotion. Action!

Yo, arrrr!

Boffo! Mondo wonderful! Lower the slab.

Yo. [grunting]

You the mad scientist! It's alive! Alive!

Mind if I ask questions?

Cut! Get rid of that Bobcat.

Is this a bad time?

Real electricity?
I thought this was a movie set.

[chuckles]

We're going for realism.

[clanging]

Some lemon for my tea.

Keep whining, and you won't
live long enough to get no lemon.

Don't you mean I am not going to
live long enough to get any lemon?

Threats should be grammatically correct.
Avoid double negatives.

Tuttle, I pray you remember
to bring my bail.

Yeah.

I meant bail as in money,
not bale as in hay,

halfwit on a halfshell.

Now leave. Your very presence
is making me nauseous.

Remember, babe, you're being chased
by the k*ller potato chip.

[director] And action!

[screaming]

You. [roaring]

You won't get away with this,
you greasy monster!

And speaking of grease, can you explain
the grease stains in the projection room?

Cut!

Get that Bobcat off my set!

Say hello to the alligators.

Alligators? Come on. This is a movie set.

Hey!

Like we said, realism. [laughing]

[belches]

It's a pivotal scene Crunch.

You want her. You love her.

You cook her. Okay?

Quiet and action.

Why are you doing this to me?

Yeah, and what did you
do with Roderick's scarf?

Oh, that's it!

Where's my agent?

He knows about the scarf.

I want that Bobcat off my set!

Cut! Cut!

What did he say?

He said, "Cut! Cut!"

He's the director.

[screaming]

I know, I know.

Realism.

Guard, this is English Breakfast.
I specifically requested Earl Gray.

[grunting]

[grunting]

You call that posture?

Head high, shoulders back.

Ice pick out.

Tuttle, I hate to ask.
What have you brought me this time?

Yesterday's paper?
Why bring this, pray tell?

Uh...

I don't know.

What is this fried fool
doing in the paper?

"Hip Chip Stole Role."

So the spud finally has a movie role.

Ah, yeah. That's why I brought it.
He has your role.

I've been replaced by a potato chip?

Oh, the ignobility.

All that rehearsing.
All it's taught me is a stupid...

[grunting]

I only asked for bail money.
Now I'm doomed here forever.

Forever?

Please take it.

Oh.

Mr. Potato Chip?

Crunchy? Is anybody home?

Hello?

Hey, nice place.

Hey!

Let's see how you like the studio
view from Cliffhanger Cliff.

[shouting]

My life's passing before
my eyes! Gee, I was funny.

Ow! Hey!

"What to do in case you're falling
off a cliff and are about to crash."

What a long title.
"Tuck your head between your legs."

[crash]

Hey, it worked. I'm alive!

Ow.

Do you know who I am?

He's the guy who set the fire.

That putrid potato will rue
the day he messed with this iguana.

I have a better idea.

If you really want to out-monster Crunchy,
just do what I say. [whispering]

Note the subtle nuances
I bring to the role.

[grunting]

The lizard?

Hey, what happened?

The lizard's great!

I thought I burned this stuff.

I mean I got heartburn. Excuse me.

I thought I got rid of you.

You also believed you were talented.

This role's going to put
me in the big time,

movies, Broadway,
my own line of salad dressing.

Once again, incorrect.

You'd like to be typecast
as a potato chip?

But you are a potato chip.

♪ Nobody knows the trouble I've se-- ♪

Time for my exit. Adios, suckers!

Return with my valet.

This is an insult,
an outrage, an inconvenience!

Follow that cart!

Oh! look. We have with
us that famous toon cop,

Bonkers D. Bobcat!

I'm totally unprepared, but if you insist.

There goes Tuttle and that sickening spud.

If I ever get my hands on him...

[grunting]

That was a good one, Roddy.

Sorry, folks. Got to fly!

Oh, how cliche sailing off
into the sunset.

Watch, son, whilst I,
thy father William Tell,

shootest yon apple from the top
of yon Bobcat's head.

Isn't that nice?

They say an apple a day
keeps the doctor away!

Boy, I never realized how true that adage
was before today.

Come out, you spineless spud!

-Unhand him, you fiend!
-I'm not touching him, sir.

Take the turtle.

I saved the best for you.

A laser sword? [chuckles]

You plan to fight me with
a fictional weapon?

What fictional? It's genuine plastic.

Prepare to do the ultimate death scene.

Unlike you, I've never died on-stage.

Tuttle, my sword.

Lunch meat?

It shall have to do.

En garde, Lizzard!

Got any fancy French mustard?

No!

-Any mayo?
-No!

Oh, well. Forget it.

Say your last farewells, Lizard.

[imitating Darth Vader] That's Lizzard!

Drop it, Crunchy
or I'll scramble your atoms with, uh...

My, uh, scrambling g*n.

Get real. It's a prop ray g*n.

We're going for realism.

Remember?

[munchkin mutterings]

[Bonkers] Bag 'em, Tutto.

I'm glad you're safe, Tuttle.

Because it's deathly warm in here.
Carry this for me.

And cut!

That's a wrap!

Warren, about my role...

What role?

The movie's finished.

We filmed the boat chase.
That atom scrambling stuff was beautiful!

Let's do lunch.

But my r-r-r-roll!

My... [hiss]

Cheer up, Roddy. You were great! Perfect!
Don't ever change.

Aren't you excited, Roddy?

Your first acting job since Night
of the Iguana goes on any second.

Hopefully nobody will be watching.

But we are, sir.

And I called everyone you ever
met and told them to watch too.

They're crunchy, munchy, and so, so good!

You know, I really wasn't bad.
Yes, quite convincing.

In fact, I believe
I'll have a potato chip!

[theme music playing]