01x31 - Toon with No Name

[bunniefuu]

♪ Once upon a time in Toontown ♪

♪ There was a cat that had it all ♪

♪ Fortune and fame top of the game ♪

♪ Up until he hit the wall ♪

♪ Now he makes a livin' downtown ♪

♪ Walkin' on a brand new beat ♪

♪ Slippin' through the new day
Trippin' on a two-way ♪

♪ Ticket down a one-way street
Beep beep beep ♪

♪ Who's that cat ♪

[siren]

♪ Crackin' up crime? ♪

♪ Stoppin' the clock ♪

[clock ticking]

♪ Hope he gets here on time ♪

[old car horn]

-♪ Let's go ♪
-♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Yeah! Totally nuts ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ No ifs, ands or but buts ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ Someone's stealin' the show ♪

♪ Can't stay, I gotta go, go! Oh, no! ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ Things gettin' outta control ♪

♪ Now you're caught in a trap
Ready to snap ♪

♪ Snappin' the cap
And you're takin' the rap ♪

♪ But ya can't hold back
That wacky attack ♪

♪ That's why you're still a star ♪

-♪ 'Cause you're-- ♪
-♪ Bonkers ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Wherever you-- wherever you--
Wherever you-- ♪

♪ Wherever you are ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

[vehicle approaching]

[Lucky] you heard the chief.

If we don't catch that Toon Masked Bandit,
within 24 hours, I lose my job,

and I like my job.

I use it to buy food.

I like food.

I know, boss. But hold that thought, okay?

Yo, camera operator!

You want to line this up a little better?

Good! Now can we lose Mr. Thumb?

You'd think people would
take more pride in their work.

I'm sorry. Go ahead.

Thank you very much. I appreciate that.

[radio box] All right.
All right. Listen up!

We have a 14-92 in progress
on Columbus Avenue.

So let's roll. Come on! 10-4! 10-4!


Hey, that's a Toon Bandit wearing
a mask robbing a grocery store.

Could be our man.

[Bonkers] Ooh, this is strange--

-You and me racing through the streets.
-[siren wailing]

What's that sense of deja vu

when you think you've been
through something before?

[sighs] Deja vu?

[Bonkers] Never heard of it.

Ooh, some more.

This is so familiar,
like I've already done this.

-What do you call that feeling?
-Deja vu!

You asked me that like three seconds ago.

Yeah. Eerie, huh?

-[boxes tumbling]
-[toon moaning]

Contains no essence
of vitamins or minerals

and it's only 97 percent sugar.

-Fall-Apart!
-[sighs]

Did you get a gig
as an on-camera spokestoon?

What are you doing hiding
in a box of cereal?

Besides hiding, not much.

As a new night manager, it's my job
to hide during burglaries.

Night manager. It's 2:30 in the afternoon.

Hey, I said I was new.
Mistakes are inevitable,

and I've been robbed right
in the middle of my burglary!

Oh, my goodness! Call the police!
Dial 911! Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

Why can't you find a cop
when you need one?

Let me handle this guy.

-What did the robber look like?
-A crook.

Any extinguishing marks?

I have a tattoo of a battleship
on my left eye.

What about the thief?

Don't have a tattoo of him.

-Describe the guy. Tall or short?
-You can say that again.

-Heavy or thin?
-Boy, you hit the nose right on the head.

-Blond or brunette?
-Yes, yes. That's him, I tell you.

[shudders]
We're finally getting somewhere.

And he was wearing a mask
and driving that car!

[tire screeches]

Oh, it's weird,

but I'm having a feeling
I'm feeling a feeling I've felt before.

Deja vu. Deja vu. Deja vu!

Doesn't I?

[Bonkers] Yes! It's just like
a movie I made--

"Toon With No Name".

Remember, Fall-Apart,
you were the stunt toon.

[Fall-Apart] Yes.
I remember it like it was yesterday.

Yesterday does falls on Tuesday
this year, doesn't it?

Ooh, it's uncanny.

The movie was precisely like this.

-I'd like to hear about it someday...
-[babbling]

-Maybe Thursday--
-And it wasn't set in Disney--

-And those new big trucks--
-Having my teeth drilled.

Look at that!

[Lucky] Oh, might as well
make a day of it.

It's almost the same thing. No lies.

[indistinct]

Mm-hmm. That's great.

[Bonkers] And he robbed
a grocery store same as that one.

[Lucky] I'm thrilled.

Took all the cash and the deed
to the heroine's ranch.

[indistinct] That's nice. Is it ready...

...that film would have made
me a big, big mega star!

-If only it had been released.
-I smell burning. Check the left rear.

I can remember every line of the script.

-No lie.
-Mesmerizing.

-...left.
-[Bonkers] Fade in.

[Lucky] Huh?

See, all the really good
movies start that way.

Fade in on a sun-baked desert.

[gasps]

[squeaks]

That Masked Bandit is the toughest
outlaw this side of the pecos.

Which is good 'cause the one
on the other side's a lot tougher,

but I'll stop him on account
of because he's the hombre

who stole the deed to Miss Irene's ranch.

Ah, Miss Irene.

I always carry her picture
next to my heart

and the lock of her hair
to remember her by.

Along with her delicate lace hanky,
and a parasol, and pet goldfish.

And her complete set of dental records,
a water heater, and her cousin Albert.

And no Masked Bandit's
gonna make her lose her ranch.

[menacing laugh]

[laughing]

In a word... Eek!

Why? That's all I want to know. Why?

I'm a villain. I do bad things.

Oh. [screaming]

-Cut!
-[buzzer]

Stunt double.

Okay, Fall-Apart. Make me look good, Pal.

Okay, what's my motivation?

-Gravity.
-Okay.

Eeh! Aah! Ooh!

Ouchy! Ouchy! Ooh! Aah!

Good stuff, and action!

-[bell rings]
-Ahem.

[screaming]

So, listen. Anyway, I'm telling
Warren what Jack said

when, hello, here's Diane.

-She comes up--
-[Fall-Apart screaming]

Pardon me for a moment.

-Cut!
-[buzzer buzzes]

Can I give you a hand?

[Fall-Apart] Yeah,
and I can't find my leg, either.

Oh, I'm sitting on it.

Beautiful stunt, Fall-Apart.

You make it look easy
as falling off a log.

Glad you liked it.

I'd smile, but I'm afraid my teeth
will fall out. [whimpering]

[bell rings]

[man] And... action!

[straining and panting]

Now to stop that Masked Bandit.

Hmm. Nothing out here but open range.

And why would someone leave
an open range right out here?

And what happened to the bandit?

A simple, "Hey, I'm over here,"
would have sufficed.

You don't have no chance of stopping me.

That's a double negative, Pal.

Didn't you ever learn grammar?

[whistles]

Follow that bandit!

-[coughing]
-[sighs]

If she weren't the producer's niece,
I'd fire that horse.

And then, The Bandit made
his getaway just like this.

Bonkers, get out of my face.

-Stop that!
-[tires screeching]

[siren wailing]

Don't stop now, Lucky.

You can do it! You can do it!
You can do it!

Okay, you can't do it. I stand corrected.

How am I going to explain
this to the chief?

No, no, no!

[alien voice on TV] Prepare to meet
your doom, earthlings.

Um, [clears throat] Chief, Sir?

Yes! Oh, just watching a little TV.

Well, it's not that little. It's 19-inch.

And I wasn't watching it.

Not a word about that movie.

Keep your mouth shut
and let me do the talking.

Got it, Boss.

Awful thing that idiot box.

Rots the brain. Horrid invention.
Can't stand it.

[alien voice] We will destroy your planet.

[nervous chuckle] Cleaning crew
must have left it on.

And, uh, have a pecan, Piquel.

Oh, joy! This is my favorite
all-time show.

next to the test pattern, of course.

-Leave that alone, will you?
-Okay.

[clears throat] Have you caught
that Masked Bandit yet?

Chief! It was exactly like
what happened in my--

-[choking]
-[gulps]

But, boss, I was only gonna tell
him it was exactly--

-[muffled grunting]
-Easy on the pecans, man.

Those things don't grow on trees,
or do they?

Please don't touch that.

Well, it hardly matters
with this lousy reception.

What's the matter, too cheap
to spring for cable?

[chief grumbling] Don't!
I had it set just right.

[chuckles]. Not that I was
watching it, of course.

[clears throat] About that bandit, Piquel.

Uh, well, sir, we...

we wish that
you were there to see it, sir.

Uh, it was intense.

We sp-spot the bandit, he runs.

It's a high-speed chase,

tires are squealing, pistons are pounding.

Yes! Pistons, yes!

And let go of that, will ya!

[Lucky] Speedometer's at 75,
now 80, 85, 90!

Watch out for the bus!

Screech! We go like,
and then we're on the sidewalk now!

Okay, we're at 93, 94, 95!

No! 95, you say? Give me that antenna.

We missed the bus, didn't we?

By a hair's width, sir.

But we're closing in,
bumper's almost touching,

and then it happened.

What, man? What?

Lucky wrecked the car.

[chief] No!

[sighs]

Keep it down over there!
I don't want to miss this next part!

Next part? Ooh!

Boss, in my movie, the next thing
that happened was--

pregnant pause, Toots got kidnapped!

Come on. Let's go. We have to save Toots.

Oh, please, sir, ignore him.
He's been under a lot of stress.

His whole family got wiped out
in an eraser factory.

Oh, that's a fine how do you don't.

Everybody leaves,
and they don't tell the rabbit.

[grumbling] Story of my life.

Movie? Toots? Rabbit? Eraser?

I suppose it makes as much
sense as can be expected.

Ah, at least I can still catch
the end of this movie.

[gasps]

[all scream]

Toots! Toots! Toots!

My baby! He took my baby!

Boss, get off your can. We have to hurry.
We have to save Toots!

Will you keep calm, Bonkers?
We'll find him.

-He doesn't believe me.
-I find that hard to believe.

You remember what happened
in the movie, don't you?

Hmm. when the light hits
you a certain way,

you look just like my friend, Bonkers.

The masked bandit had Toots.
I was trying to track them down.

Hoofsteps, approximately

heading in a northerly direction
at roughly 13 miles per hour.

Unless, of course, I'm wrong.

[menacing laughter]

-Cut!
-[buzzer buzzes]

Stunt double. Catch the game last night?

Only the first six quarters
and the last three innings.

-[Bonkers] Cool.
-[man] Action!

[bell rings]

Super stunt, Fall-Apart.

The pain was so convincing, so real.

[Fall-Apart] If a job's worth doing,
it's worth doing right.

-Makeup!
-[Fall-Apart] Medic!

And... Action!

-[bell rings]
-[Toots tooting]

[rhythmic tooting]

[whistles]

Move it, Nellie! Hi-h*! Ride 'em, cowboy!

Hit the trail! Make the tracks!
Burn the rubber!

And we're going! Yeah, boy!

[tumbles and crashes]

What is this?

[slurps]

Oh, English lavender mint, Darling,
with just a whisper of oat.

[laughs] Divine.

What are you doing?

Mmm, coffee break, Darling.
I get two daily, you recall.

Excuse me. We're in the middle of a chase.

Here, you droll thing. Peruse my contract.

All right, I will continue
this scene without you,

but you'll never work in this town again.

Cowboy stuff like that!

[imitates horse] Whinny, whinny!
Neigh, neigh!

There are no small parts,
only small actors with little shoes.

[Bonkers] Whoa, Bunny!

Okay. [whinnies]

[laughs]

[crashes]

[train whistle blowing]

Hee-ah, and hee-ah some more!

Okay, okay, because show business
basically is my life.

And the train was racing toward
poor Toots, remember, Fall-Apart?

Yes, I most certainly don't.

You aren't talking about
that movie again, are you?

Oh, no. Not me, boss.

He'll never believe me.
What am I gonna do?

There, there. There.
It's always darkest before the dawn.

So never have a wooden nickel

because you don't know where it's been
or who's been chewing on it.

You're right.

I'll try some reverse psychology.

Maybe you ought to check out downtown.

Like in your movie?
No, thanks. I'm headin' west.

Oh, wouldn't it be quicker to go that way?

Yeah, so I'll take this street.

-[Bonkers] Not going over there?
-[Lucky] No. Here.

[Bonkers] Maybe you should slow down.

[Lucky] But I'd rather speed up.

[tires screech]

There's Toots tied to the tracks
just like in--

Yeah, yeah, fine. The movie.

[whining]

Curses.

I got you, boy. I--

-Cut! Stunt double.
-[steam hissing]

Stunt double.

[grunts] Just keep telling yourself
it's only a movie.

[coughs] It's only a movie
and I have a house payment to make.

-Action!
-[bell rings]

-Oh, no.
-Beautiful!

So that's what my spleen tastes like.
[gulps]

So do you believe me now?

Do I have to?

It would be nice because this
is the scene where I get kidnapped.

[sighs] Look, I'll admit there have been
a few unusual similarities,

but that does not mean
that your theory is--

[vrooming]

-[mi-mi]
-Correct.

Bonkers?

Bonkers? Does this mean he was right?
I hate it when he's right.

Don't you dare tell me he was right.

He was right.

[groans] I told you not to tell me that.

[Lucky]
Everything Bonkers said would happen...

[sighs wearily] Happened.

-Tell me how the rest of the movie goes.
-No.

I don't want to spoil the ending for you.

Oh, but I want you to.

Tell me. Tell me everything.

All right. All right.
No need to get so hostile.

-[engine starts]
-Well, you see, the masked bandit

was racing across the plains.

Bonkers couldn't get free,
no matter how hard he tried,

-and that's when...
-[whirring]

Whoa!

[sniffs]

Looks like some of them
ornery martian varmints.

Howdy, Partner.

You're not from around
these parts, are you?

Definitely not from around these parts.
Not by a long shot.

Wait a minute. Hold up for a second!

Where did this martian come from?

Pluto, obviously.

There are never any martians
from Pluto in Westerns.

Usually the bad guy heads for a secluded
hideout or some such thing.

That's it. That's it. You've seen
this movie, haven't you?

Now to get you to my secluded hideout
or some such thing.

[Fall-Apart] And when
The Bandit had him there,

he tied Bonkers to the tracks,
and the 3:10 to Yuma was right on time.

[gasps]


[menacing laughter]

[Lucky] What? How did a train
get in the cabin?

[Fall-Apart] Oh, my error.

-[squeaks]
-[Fall-Apart] It was a chair.

Now to do away with you once and for all.

Don't I at least get a last wish?

Well, I guess so.

I wish you wouldn't k*ll me.

Okay. How about some lunch?

Love to, but nothing heavy.

I'm on a diet.

No, no, no. He wouldn't be that nice.

Bad guys aren't that nice.

Is there just the tiniest possibility
that you're, oh, I don't know, confused?

Me? Me confused?

[laughs]

Me confused!

Good joke. What was the question?

The movie! The movie!

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well,
it's too bad we don't have the script.

Then we could read it
and find out what happens.

Say that again.

Vermont is lovely in the autumn.

Yeah. I bet Bonkers
has a copy at his house.

[birds chirping]

All right. Now if you were Bonkers,
where would you hide a movie script?

If I were Bonkers, I wouldn't let
anyone see my house like this.

[groans] Look at this dust.

Give me strength.
Just look for the script.

If I was Bonkers, and I'm probably not,

though I could be...

[sighs]

I'd use it to line
the bottom of my aquarium.

Bonkers doesn't have fish,
but he does have an aquarium,

with a script in it.

I'm glad I'm not a toon.

Let's go. You can read
it to me in the car.

[tires screeching]

[Fall-Apart] Fade in.

Don't make me hurt you.

[both grunting]

No, don't lose the script.

Quick. Hurry. There's page 27,

that's 36... 54... 93.


A coupon for pizza.

[groans] Come on. Read.

"Cabin the through st*lks bandit the."

[Lucky] You're upside down.

[Fall-Apart] Oh. [chuckles]
No need to get personal.

[Lucky] Turn the page over.

[Fall-Apart] Okay.

-[Lucky] He was already tied up.
-[train horn blowing]

-[Fall-Apart] Right.
-And the train was coming.

[Lucky] Lose the train.

Yes, Boss, because the space
ship was landing.

What did I tell you about the martians?

That they were from Pluto?

Just find the ending!

You have the memory of an elephant.

Boy. I'm all thumbs today.
No. I'm only one thumb.

Where's the other one?

[groans] I know it's here somewhere,
but I can't put my finger on it.

Speaking of thumbs, did I ever tell
you how I got started in showbiz?

[Fall-Apart] Well, there was a part
that was supposed to go

to a big-name actor,
who shall remain nameless,

he got caught cheating on his screen test,
can you imagine?

[groans]

What h*! It is I, Fall-Apart.

I rob from the rich
and give to the richer,

or is it I rob from the poor
and give to the poorer?

Or is it rich poor get to the--
get to the guy [mumbling]

The guy gets taxed, anyway. Or is it the
upwardly mobile I give something to?

Wait. I'm not comfortable
with this stealing thing.

My character wouldn't do that.
We need a total rewrite.

I want pink pages and yellow pages.

[shouting]

[crashes]

Good thing the cement broke my fall.

-[coughing]
-[fur ball squeaks]

[Fall-Apart] That's when I decided

I was more suited
for brooding, angry-young-man parts.

I'm so angry. Brood, brood.

I'm angry at this table.
I'm really brooding.

I'm-- I'm-- serious. I am brooding.
I'm angry at this chair.

I am so angry, I'm angry beside myself.

Hi. [screaming]

So I figured I'd stick with the classics.

Friends, Romans, Countrymen,
lend me your ears,

or I could lend you mine.

[screaming]

And then I knew I'd found my true calling,

as a stunt double.

Why didn't I let Bonkers
tell me the story? Why? Why?

THE Bandit has Bonkers
in the old saw mill.

There aren't any old saw mills
left in Los Angeles.

You're right. Except for that one
on the studio back lot.

Bingo.

[chain rattling]

We have to save Bonkers.

Well, well, what's this?

Read the last scene so we'll
know what to do.

Why didn't I think of that when
this whole thing started?


well, what do you know,
the last scene's missing.

Hurry. You, Boss, you want
to hurry it up over there?

I'm sorry, Bonkers, but we're trapped,
trapped like rats.

No way out.

So close...

and yet so far.

Hey, careful, will you?

It's just a movie prop, you know.

[machine slicing]

For a while there,
I didn't think we'd make it in time.

Oh, I wasn't worried. [chuckles]

I've already seen the movie,
so I knew how it ended.

Yeah, well, at any rate,
we caught The Masked Bandit,

who it seems is not a toon at all.

No, and I'm sorry. Please don't hate me.

Oswald G. Woodman,
the screenwriter of "Toon With No Name".

Why did you do it, Oz?

I thought the publicity might prompt
the studio to release the movie.

It was a career move.

This whole thing was a publicity stunt?

And not a bad one at that.

I wonder if it will work.

Forget, it, Bonkers.
At least this story has a happy ending.

But not as happy as the movie.

You see, after I'd escaped
from the saw mill,

I got it back, Miss Irene,
the deed to your ranch.

[man] Cut!

-Stunt double.
-[Bonkers crashes]

I may be a rabbit, but I'm only human.

[theme music playing]