Bad Tidings (2024)

[bunniefuu]

We Wish You A Merry Christmas

We wish you a Merry Christmas

We wish you a Merry Christmas

We wish you a Merry Christmas

And a Happy New Year

Good tidings we bring

To you and your kin

We wish you a Merry Christmas

And a Happy New Year

Now bring us a figgy pudding

Now bring us a figgy pudding

Now bring us-

They're still up. His lights.

He's just forgotten they're there.

Oh, and just remembers

- to turn them on every night?

- Timer.

Ah! No. That's what I thought,

but different times every night.

This evening, 6:59.

Before that 6:57. Before that 6:42.

Before that 6.53,

6:42, 6:53, 6:47, 6:59-

I like them.

I'm telling you...

he's got it in for me, Laura.

First it was the whole the thing,

- wasn't it, about the car.

- Neil...

For the last time, the car thing...

could've been anyone.

The entire street would like to see

the back of that heap.

Eight years it sat there,

not a dicky bird,

but the second that he moved in...

Why would he, of all people,

complain to the council

about an "eyesore"?

Because no one would suspect him.

- Chicken soup.

- Argh.

Err, custard.

Ey.

Beans with sausage.

Oh, perfect.

Just what I'm after. Thanks, Hol.

Dad... You are looking

after yourself? Yeah?

"Looking after myself"?

There's sausage in these beans.

I'm living like a king!

Hm... OK.

I'd know that knock anywhere.

It's him.

Dad. No, wait just promise me-

I'll be on my best behaviour.

Anyway, got to go.

Love you Holly. See you later.

Dad, wait!

- Bye-bye.

- Bye.

- Mwah.

- Bye.

Hello?

Hello Scott.

Um... It's me.

Me?

Neil.

"Neil"?

Across the road.

Oh yeah, Neil. Got ya.

What can I do for you?

It's about the lights.

Lights?

The Christmas lights. On your roof.

Oh, they still up are they?

You may remember from...

our conversation on January 2nd,

and my follow up text

of February 5th, and the 12th,

that they shine brightly

into my top window, so I'd really

appreciate it, if you don't mind-

Yep, say no more Neil.

I will have them taken down

first thing in the morning.

You have my word.

..Good tidings we bring

To you and your kin

We wish you a Merry Christmas...

Git!

When the snowman brings the snow

He might just like to know

He put a great big smile

on somebody's face

When you jump into your bed

Pull the covers

right over your head

But don't you lock the doors

You know Santa Claus

is on his way-ay-ay

I wish it could be Christmas

every day

When the kids start singing

and the band begins to play

Oh, yes, I wish it could be

Christmas every day

Let the bells ring out

for Christmas

When we're skating in the park

And the storm cloud paints it dark

Well, your rosy cheeks

are gonna light my merry way

Oh, now

When the frosticles appear

And they've frozen my beard

So we'll sit by the fire

and let the heat melt 'em away...

You were supposed to be getting

- her flute!

- Thirteen minutes.

He hasn't even invited her in.

Do you hear me?

She's 74 with a fake knee.

Get the poor woman a chair.

Look at her under his spell,

he's not even listening.

You'd think she'd see through him,

but no she's baked him a carrot cake.

How do you know it's carrot?

Well... that's normal.

Can you get to school, please?

Get a life, please?

Don't backchat me.

And don't cut through the park!

Neil. Look at me. Look at me.

I know you've had a difficult time

the last few months.

Why'd you keep saying that? I'm fine.

You're not fine. You're distracted,

you're short tempered.

You've barely noticed your daughter.

I noticed the attitude.

Well, what do you expect. Look...

What Graham did was wrong.

You were best friends...

We weren't friends,

we were business partners.

Look whatever.

The whole Parnes Alarms thing

has clearly affected you.

All you do is work, sleep, and this.

It's not healthy.

Right, two things.

Firstly, bit of hard work

never k*lled anybody.

Your Uncle Fred had

a pre-existing heart condition.

And secondly, I don't need

a best friend because I'm not nine,

and this is completely unrelated.

This is about him

messing with the wrong "hombre".

Morning April! Morning Scott.

Morning, Euan!

Cake was delicious, by the way.

OK fine. Fine.

If you think you're fine, fine.

But if everybody else

thinks he a nice normal guy,

easy to get on with, and it's

only you who think he's some sort of

mad, evil psychopath,

what does that tell you?

That he's winning.

Oh!

That's my bin.

Who's there?

Postman! I thought

you were out, so I was just lea...

Parnes Alarms?

Neil?

Hello, you two.

Alright mate,

I was just delivering these.

Oh, I can take those.

'Ere.

Cheers. OK, Merry Christmas.

Right.

And to you, both.

Postie gone has he?

Yep, /yeah he's gone.

So what brings you over here,

- this time?

- In a word...

..."bins".

It looks like our green bins

have got mixed up.

Again.

Does it matter?

Well, yeah.

One of them has got a crack in it.

And it's got, like,

sentimental value has it?

No, yours has got a crack in it.

So I'll... I will just...

swap these bins over, again.

And hopefully,

that will be the end of it.

Well, fingers crossed.

You can't trust them you know,

Parnes Alarms.

I used to work with him. Graham.

Yeah. Out for himself.

He's a bad egg.

Oh, he seems alright to me.

I do his accounts.

Well, I hope you're both very happy.

We are.

So, what's he sent you then?

Mr Parnes?

Oh, you know. Just some... lights.

Lights?

Security lights.

April was concerned about

my home security so I thought,

a few more lights couldn't hurt.

Oh, come off it.

What have you got against me? Eh?

The flashing lights,

swapping the bins,

and I know it was you that complained

to the council about my Sierra.

Those complaints are anonymous.

How d'ya know if you didn't complain?

Common knowledge.

Argh...

You wheedle your way in here,

don't you? Eh?

Convincing everyone round here

you're all sweetness and light.

People baking you cakes,

laughing at your little jokes.

Years I've lived here

without an issue,

but the second you move in...

Oh. You need to open your eyes more.

- Excuse me?

- You know what

they call you round here?

What?

Petty.

Nonsense.

Yeah. Tom Petty they call you.

Rubbish.

Petty Davis.

- That's not true.

- Jean-Paul Petty.

You're making these up.

The Petty'sburg address.

They don't say that.

Alpha-petty-spaghetti.

That doesn't make sense.

- Dainty little petty coat.

- I'm very

well respected. Very popular.

Ah well, where's your cake then?

Well, it's not in the bin.

Oh, I haven't got time for this.

Neighbourhood watch tonight.

You mean nosey parkers.

It's like Parnes Alarms,

no substitute for the real thing.

Well, tonight's the big night.

April's standing down

as coordinator.

It's the vote to find a replacement.

And, you know, I'm thinking

of standing, given my popularity.

Oh, come off it.

You wouldn't stand a chance.

Wouldn't I?

No, you wouldn't.

Wouldn't I?

No, you wouldn't!

Wouldn't I?

Euan.

Bin's again.

Alright?

Fine!

Good stuff.

Ah, well, good for business.

There you go darling.

Have you heard this?

What?

It's nothing. Just leave it.

She's been mugged.

Mum...

You just said you were fine.

I am fine!

Ashleigh Brennan stole her ear buds.

The ones I bought her?

I had those engraved.

Doesn't matter. I don't even care.

When was this?

Just now in the park.

Oh, I told you

not to cut through the park!

That's it? That's your response.

It's fine, and I'm fine,

so can we just leave it?

Well?

What do you want me to do?

I don't know.

Call the police or something.

You don't call the police

on the Brennans.

They're not the kind of people

you want to upset.

What about Chloe? Upsetting her?

Go and apologise to her.

Go and find her, make sure she's OK.

Be her Dad.

I'm just gonna, erm...

I'm... I'm just...

Ashleigh.

Big Barry.

Little Barry.

Eek!

You know, cos... three years, Mum.

Ah...

Right Brennans, let's get to work.

I told you to ditch the balloon.

Just get in!

Oh. Lovely to see you Scott.

And the tea is in your left hand.

Oh. In the cup-shaped thing.

I've got you. Thank you.

Just this way Scott.

Scott. Hi.

Oh, hey, Sabrina. How are you doing?

Hi. Yeah, I'm good thanks.

New shirt?

Oh, yeah. Pressie from my daughter.

Oh, lovely...

Yeah.

Matches your eyes.

Yeah.

What, you mean it doesn't work?

Sorry.

No, that's alright. Um...

There's a seat next

to me if you want to...

Oh, um... No, I'm with these guys

here, you know, I'd better...

Oh, yeah.

- Yeah.

- Oh, OK.

Everyone, settle down.

Yeah. See you later.

Right, then, thank you everybody.

Well. There's no avoiding

the elephant in the room.

As everyone knows, I'm stepping

down as community coordinator.

It's been very fulfilling...

but, without John

to share the load...

...it's time to pass on the torch.

Which brings me

to the small matter of my successor,

and we have a wealth of talent

on the shortlist.

There's Bill and Janet.

The two Sues.

And, of course,

our current bursar, Evelyn.

So, unless anybody else

is thinking of standing...

...the vote will be

a simple show of hands.

Neil?

This is an unexpected...

Unexpected.

Well, you know,

I knew it was your big day, April.

I wanted to see you go.

I mean, mark the occasion.

Out with the old...

not that you're old!

I mean "old guard",

a lynchpin, a big beast.

Not that you're big, you know,

you've lost a lot of um...

How's John?

He's dead. I'll sit down.

Yes, um... Where were we?

Ah, voting!

So, I will list each candidate

in turn and ask for a show of hands.

Oh, Scott. Have you, uh...?

Um, yes April.

Um, I've been thinking...

...just about how

incredibly welcoming

this community has been to me.

How kind and accepting and, well...

...just about the help and support

that you've all given to me

when I've really needed it. And...

...if I could give something back

to all the people

that have given so much to me.

And if the role of coordinator

might allow me to do that,

and if you

were to put your trust in me...

...then it's a mantel

I'd be honoured to take on.

Well, thank you Scott.

I will certainly

add your name to the list.

I vote for Scott.

Mm, I'm out. And so's Sue.

Oh. Bill, Janet?

No. No.

- No.

- Right...

So, as there are

no other hats in the ring...

Wait!

- Neil?

- I would like to put

myself into April's ring.

My hat into the ring.

As a professional in home security...

Causes for Alarms,

I could not be better suited,

or indeed, better qualified,

for the role.

And I would be honoured to share

that experience, and expertise...

And...

a generous affiliate discount of 20%

off all home security products

for committee members.

30%?

Forty!

40%!

Oh, I vote for discount man.

Yeah.

Right...

Well, we appear

to have a two horse race.

So, let's put it to the vote,

shall we?

Show of hands for Scott...

And for Neil?

What are the chances?

It would seem that we have...

...a tie.

Seriously? I mean, do I have

to point out the obvious here?

It's supposed to be

Neighbourhood "Watch".

I'm mean surely there must be

rules for this sort of thing.

Who has the casting vote?

You have got to be kidding me.

What's happening?

I think John's voting.

I thought John was dead.

He is.

OK, OK. So, I think he would want

the role of community coordinator

to go to...

both of you.

Jointly.

No, no, no, no, no.

Bye Scott.

Bye-bye, take care.

Merry Christmas.

OK, what are you playing at?!

So, you're not as popular

as you thought are, eh?

You don't even want the job!

The people have spoken and you lost!!

It was a draw!

Only on paper maybe. But I'm

the only one with the skillset.

So, why don't you take your little

badge, go back to your little house-

They're all the same size.

And let me do what I've done

my whole adult life.

What, act like a child?

Home security.

Causes for Alarms.

We are very popular.

Shouldn't it be "Cause" for Alarms?!

It works.

Oh, and number one rule, hm?

This year... TAKE YOUR LIGHTS DOWN!

OK, I'll take my lights down.

Oh, look at that.

Yeah. Quality plastic that,

and all our alarms are hardwired,

so you won't have

to change the batteries.

And, seeing as it's Christmas,

Evelyn,

I'm gonna throw in a free mug.

Ha, catch? Only joking.

Bone china. Well, made in China.

And all with-

Yes, all with 40% off.

I'm a man...

What the hell?!

Careful, Scott!

Sign that.

Oh!

Come down Scott, you'll fall!

I'm fine. Nothing to see here.

I'm OK. Honest.

Ooh!

Woah!

Scott! Please, don't move!

Honestly. I'm... fine!

Still fine.

If you want more

decorations up, we can do that.

You're gonna get yourself k*lled!

I'm not putting them up,

I am taking them down!

What? Why?

Neil told me to take my lights down.

What?!

Did you, Neil?

No.

Well, yes, but, you know,

I didn't me...

I didn't mean now,

obviously not now, it's Christmas!

Right. Step aside.

Coming through!

You've got the wrong end of the...

You know. Keep the lights!

More lights I say!!

We'll have you down

in no time c*ck.

Thanks Sues.

Right, come on.

That's it. Careful, yep, that's it.

I've got your right ankle.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas

If it's lights you want,

I'll give you lights.

I'll show them who's Mr Christmas.

You wait to see what I can do.

Mum. Is dad having a breakdown?

Yeah, looks like it.

Roll up, guys. Come on down!

Roll up. Roll up for

the great Staplethorne Close

Christmas switch-on! Ha-ha!

Sponsored by Causes for Alarms!

Yeah. Sorry, Evelyn,

I probably don't need this. Um...

So, I am very aware

of the, um, little...

...confusion earlier today,

regarding my attitude

to the community,

or some persons therein,

indeed, the whole

of the festive season.

I am delighted

to address this matter,

in a way that demonstrates

how wholeheartedly affectionate

I feel about this

most wonderful time of the year.

# You better watch out

You better not cry

You better not pout,

I'm telling you why

Santa Claus is coming to town

He's making a list

And checking it twice

Gonna find out who's...

Are they on?

We don't know for certain

that it was my fault.

Excuse me. Do we know

when the power will be back on?

Well, he...

the surge clipped the mains ring

for the whole street,

which burnt out part of the sub.

So, we'll be done here by 5:00 ish.

But, with the off-site work,

you're looking at a couple of days.

What?!

But it's Christmas Eve!

They'll work as fast as they can,

but I wouldn't hold my breath.

If I were you I'd make

other plans for Christmas.

I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

Well, Neil?

Look, we're all in the same boat.

My power's off too.

We're just gonna have to stay

with a friend or family.

It's just a couple of days.

But who's going

to spritz my Epipremnum?

And who's gonna feed Mr Baldwin?

Look, we just... Who?

My cat.

Obviously, there-there are going

to be things that we need to-

I'll do it.

I'll feed Mr Baldwin

and keep Evelyn's whatsit moist.

But there's no power. You'll freeze.

I've got jumpers. And it's

not like I need the lights on.

And I had no plans,

so it's fine, honest. Besides...

somebody should stay and keep

an eye on the place, so to speak.

And, of course, as co-coordinator

of the Neighbourhood Watch,

I do feel duty bound

to ensure that our homes

remain safe over the festive period

regardless of who is to blame

for our current predicament.

You know, that is, after all,

what any decent

co-coordinator should do.

And of course, as co...

co-coordinator, I will, um...

gladly match Scott's kind offer

and share those...

responsibilities.

Gladly.

Looks like we're imposing

on my mum again.

Yeah. About that.

Turns out I'm going to have

to stay, sort of,

here for Christmas.

What? Why?

Well, Scott sort of offered.

Oh, Scott, yeah, of course.

Should have known.

Not content with ruining Christmas,

you're what,

you're now abandoning us as well?

And somehow that's all...

that's all Scott's fault too, yeah?

Well, we could all stay here.

You know,

sort of camp out in the house.

Bit of an adventure. Might be fun.

Alright, think of Chloe.

I'm sure she'd rather stay here

as a family, than schlep off to Gran-

Grandma's please!

Maybe it's a good thing.

Few days apart.

Some time to think.

What do you need to think about?

No...

Not me. You.

For you to think...

about what's more important:

your family or your obsession

with the bloke over the road.

So, you want a thin, continuous line

and apply firm, but equal-

Ashleigh.

You can't avoid police attention

AND be an influencer.

Aye, aye! There it is, there it is.

I've got about four... four quid.

I told ya. They all use the app.

Seriously, Does no one in this

family know how to steal anymore?

Uh, I nicked these

off some girl in the park.

Take 'em down pawn shop?

They're engraved, genius.

Oh.

Chlo-Chlo-Pops.

..that left the entire

street without electricity.

I was in the middle of making tea,

and suddenly everything went black.

It was absolutely astounding.

Everything went out.

The whole electricity,

the power, everything. Gone.

Barry.

Yeah?

Not you junior, Big Barry.

Oh.

Come here. Have you seen this?

What is it, Stace?

Everything was lovely and suddenly,

poof, bang, everything black.

No electricity, nothing.

No lights.

Why do we care about that old bag?

Oi. Show some respect...

It's not about the old bag,

it's what she's saying.

...the entire street has had

to up-sticks and make other plans.

The entire street is shipping out

for Christmas. Which means...

an entire road of empty houses.

Oh...

No.

I dunno, love.

You've only just got out.

If you do this

and you get pinched for it,

they're gonna throw the book at you.

Yeah. But no-one's getting pinched.

Power's out, you see.

So it's not just "no witnesses",

it's no lights, no alarms...

...and no security cameras.

It's a Christmas miracle.

Sound.

Thanks for nothing!

So, wet in the morning,

dry at night.

- Huh?

- Oh sorry, um, pouch in

the morning, dry food at night.

Oh yeah, got ya.

Understood, no problem.

Scotty boy's on it.

Are you sure you're gonna be OK?

Oh, we'll be fine, won't we mate?

This is him, yeah?

Yeah, that's him.

Only, um...

I could always... stay?

You know, if you needed

some company or, um...

I could just cook or.

No, no, no, no, no, it's fine.

OK.I've got to water the cat

and feed the plants. You know...

Yeah

You just, um...

Have a nice Christmas.

Oh, oh, you too.

We will be OK, won't we Laura?

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Ah! Ah... Ooh!

Ah!

Extra large, double pepperoni,

thin crust, with some mushrooms.

Have you got some ice?

You know, not on the pizza.

Ha-ha.

Woah!

Pizza.

Merry Christmas.

Yeah, same to you.

'Twas the night before Christmas

and I've got a feeling

that no one was home...

So, let's do some stealing!

Yes!

..every fairytale comes real

I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show-

Ha-ha!

Right, Brennans.

We split up and do a sweep.

Check for any stragglers.

We've got too many houses

and not enough time,

so look for easy ways in:

old locks, open windows-

Signs that say "burglars stop here".

Alright, keep the noise down.

Comms on channel 7. Any questions?

Do we get a break?

Yeah.

You had three years off,

ending last Thursday.

Filthy things.

Chicka-boom!

See, no power.

No evidence.

No prison.

Not this time.

Hello, woo-hoo!

Ooh, hello. What've we got here?

Nearly.

Right.

Eenie-meenie-mini-mo,

catch an elf by the...

Ooh!

That is a big telly.

I'll be coming back for you,

my precious.

Oh, here we go.

"Share your pizza with him".

No.

OK, fine!

All clear at number 8.

Have you checked the back?

No. Doing it now.

Ugh, typical.

Carol of the Bells

Hiya, I've got a pizza. No.

Hiya, I've got too much pizza. Ugh.

Hi, I was going to put this pizza

in the bin. Don't mention the bins!

Welcome to this week's

edition of We Don't Like Cricket,

and we're discussing

the series that's just taken place

between England

and New Zealand.

We're going to chewing the cud

all about this. My name is Ivan,

joined as always

by the one and only...

In many ways scoring

99 is better than scoring 100.

Loads of people score hundreds,

not many people get out on 99.

Nobody tracks them.

Hey, Stace.

This side doors got a lock that

looks like I could have fitted it.

I think we've got a winner.

Look, we're both grown-ups,

it's Christmas...

...you probably like pepperoni...

so why don't we, you know...

Why don't we just...

Nope. Can't do it.

Parnes Alarms. Get your mate

Graham to buy you a pizza.

Stick it on his invoice.

England and New Zealand

- really put on a show.

- Mm-hm.

Absolutely, both teams showcased...

I like this house.

Great, Barry.

Let's try and get in it.

Give me some...

Put your weight on here, mate.

Three, two, one, go...

England are really missing

Jimmy Anderson.

Hold up...

Open window at number 4.

Get over here.

What?

Number 4.

Number 4, OK.

England'll continue

to miss Jimmy Anderson until

the heat death of the universe.

Alright, kid?

Sound.

- Sound.

- Keep quiet.

You'd know if you could count.

Uh, he can roller-skate

and you can't...

Won't budge.

Must be on the night latch.

Aye!

There's a knack to these. Hold that.

Today. Thank you.

Right. All it is, is...

Just need...

Just a little...

And then, you're...

...in.

Ah, well.

Thank God we had an expert.

Call. Tom. Petty.

Calling Tom Petty.

Shh!

Pick up. Pick up... Oh, pick up!

Pick up, pick up, pick up...

You useless git!

Seriously? Has it come to this?

Neil!

No, no, no. Listen, listen.

Hello?

Oh! No, no, no, no, no, no, no

Oh, very mature.

You see this is why

you don't get any pizza!

Well, this is new.

Oh...

There's somebody next door.

At Bill and Janet's house.

Somebody's broken in!

No they haven't.

They have! I heard them.

Heard what?

Smashing glass!

It'll be a fox in the greenhouse.

No, no, no.

There was a radio I think,

like a...

Like a... Like a squeal.

It'll be a fox.

I-It wasn't a fox!

Come on, we should

at least check it out.

We're the Neighbourhood Watch.

Fine! I'll take a look.

Woah, woah, woah, wait for me.

Here we go.

What are you doing?

I'm knocking.

Why?

Because you think someone's in there.

And if I'm right,

it's armed robbers!

What if they answer?

- Well, I don't know!

- I thought

you were a security expert.

I sell alarms, I don't

personally take down criminals.

What you've done there

is confuse me with a SWAT team.

Fat lot of good you are.

Well, what would you suggest?

Shh.

That's an answerphone.

Not an answerphone, it's...

Oh...

When you used to...

Answer-what?

Have you got cake in your ears?

Come on!

We need to call the police.

Ow!

Watch the bins!

You wouldn't want to crack it!

Not now...

k*ll the torch.

I thought you said you'd checked

number 8, you lazy git!

I did!

Yeah. What with, your eyes shut?

There's someone home.

I'll sort it...

Ooh. Don't tell your mum.

Don't tell Mum.

Look, I know Christmas is a bit

different this year, and I'm sorry.

It's fine.

I just think your dad's

just having a bit of a wobble.

You know, it's ben a tricky time

this year, with the whole

Cause for Alarms business...

It's "Causes"...

And I think

he just needs some time...

But look, what I do know

is that whatever happens,

however this plays out...

...it's gonna be OK. Alright?

Promise.

Yeah.

I think the best thing that you

and I can do for Dad right now,

is to give him some space.

Some quiet time,

to get his head together.

Burglars! At least two! Maybe more!

Definitely not foxes!

Not foxes! How long will you be?

OK, just please, hurry!

Wish it was foxes...

The police are on their way.

They just said stay in the house.

keep out of sight.

No one will even know we're in here.

I know

you're in there.

Oi, are you letting me in,

or are we gonna play a game?

Oh, no...

Woah!

Little Barry Brennan!

- Who?

- The Brennans.

"The Devils of Davenport"?

Don't you read the papers?

Oh no, I mean, not so much.

Local crime family. Hard as nails.

And that out there is the big one.

What? "Little Barry" is the big one?

Yes. Son of Big Barry.

How big's Big Barry?

Oh, he's tiny. It's very confusing.

But they're psychopaths,

- the lot of them!

- You know,

for a home security expert,

you are not massively reassuring.

Come on, you don't wanna wind me up.

Last warning!

Security! It's an X-50!

What is?

The front door.

I fitted an X-50, top of the range!

That is a double-skinned, reinforced,

tri-bar, steel trough rim lock door,

with a 12-point dog latch

and a five-lever mortice.

A whole army couldn't

get through that thing!

Did you leave it on the latch?

I think you know the answer to that.

I know you're here!

To the safe room.

Oh, you beauty.

Mind the stairs!

Wait! My phone!

Leave it!

Quick! Lock it!

It doesn't lock.

I thought this was the "safe room"?

No, it's the room

that we keep the safe in.

You have got to be kidding me.

Are you sure you're in

- home security?

- Are you sure you know

what home security means?

- Hello?

- Shh, shh, shh.

Little pig...

Little pig...

Let me come in.

He's on the stairs.

Stop hiding, little pig.

Where the hell are the cops?

The average police response time

is 16.4 minutes.

It's a good stat for sales.

It's not a good stat for us!

What have you got

- that could be a weapon?

- Nothing.

It's a spare room.

Just caps, alarms, a big box of mugs.

Little pig, little pig...

Hang on... "Little pig".

What?

Not "little pigs", "little pig".

Singular.

So?

He thinks there's only one of us.

Come on little pig...

Don't make me blow it down.

OK! OK, I give up.

Just open the door. It's not locked.

Just take what you want.

I don't want any trouble.

Sorry mate,

you've seen my face now.

No. No, I haven't.

I can't see anything, I'm blind.

Yeah, right.

What do I look like, some sort of-

"Mug"?

Did you get him?

Yup!

- Yes!

- Come on!

Run Rudolph Run

Mind the stairs! Oh!

Run, run, Rudolph

Santa ain't too far behind...

We need to leg it.

Grab hold.

What's happening?

Oh, more Brennans.

Change of plan. We need to hide.

In the Sierra!

Woo!

Get in!

Owwww!

Said Santa to a boy, "Child,

what have you been longing for?"

"All I want for Christmas

is a rock and roll electric guitar"

And then away went Rudolph...

Oh...

What's that noise?

I don't know.

Oh God,

I'm going to die in a Sierra.

Oh, thank God.

Woah, woah, woah!

Let's actually wait until

they've arrested the big angry man

who wants to k*ll us, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It really must be Christmas.

They've only gone

and sent the PCSOs.

"Hobby Bobbies".

"Hobby Bobbies"?

I'll call for back up.

Merry Christmas, officers.

Evening sir. We received a report

of a disturbance at this address.

Someone heard

something being smashed.

Did they? Smashed, you say.

Um, well, no, no.

It's probably nothing sir,

but perhaps we could just pop in

and check your windows?

Make sure you're safe.

Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no...

because...

Oh!

Good evening, officers.

That's my lady wife.

Bit of a collision.

No lights, you see.

Are you alright

to be here on your own?

- Absolutely.

- Yep.

What with no lights, no heating?

Yeah, no, well, what it is actually

is we're not actually staying here

because our daughter

is on her way.

From Frome.

Yes. So, we're going to stay

with them until the 27th or 28th.

In Frome.

Or the 29th.

Then we shall be coming home.

From Frome.

Well, if you're sure you're OK?

Yes, fine.

Very happy.

Fine, thank you.

Very... Yes.

Merry Christmas!

Ta-ta.

I'll tell you what...

Huh?

The Sarge knocks off at 6:00,

lives on Rowan Avenue.

I'll ask him to swing by on his

way home, check everything's OK.

Oh, no. That's fine.

There's no need.

He might be a bit tipsy,

but he won't mind at all.

Merry Christmas, take care.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

The... The police are leaving!

What? Well, stop them then!

Ah! It won't unlock!

Oh... This is a terrible car!

Hang on! Wait! Wait!

Here. Try mine!

It's central locking! It won't...

You've got your hand on the...

Ow!

He's back!

Who is? Big Barry?

No, Little Barry: the big one.

We need to get out of here.

I say we make a run for it.

With the whackjob Waltons out there?

No, thank you.

Well, what shall we do then?

I don't know.

I don't suppose this rust bucket has

got airbags and an alarm, does it?

It's got all the extras.

It's a top of the range rust bucket.

I've got an idea...

Whatever

- that is, shut it up!

- I'll sort it.

Gotcha.

We're walking in the air

We're floating

in the moonlit sky...

Snow escape, bozo!

Is he secure?

Yes!

Quick, in the shed.

I'm just saying that if we leave

a couple of houses, that would-

...defeat the object.

We go big or go home...

And we're not going home.

Ash, bring the van round.

But we've got the dibble at 6:00.

I don't think we've got enough time.

Then we split up.

What, over this?

I don't want to.

I love you, Stace.

No. I mean I'll take

this end with Fanny-Anne,

and you boys take number five.

Oh, right. Ooh, the big telly!

Yeah, I'll get the big telly.

On your own?

It's the same size as you.

Junior, can you get backside

over to number five please?

Your dad's about to wreck

a very nice television.

We're here, in you go.

Ah, yes!

Watch your head.

What now?

Yeah, well, I was just thinking that.

Right, my plan would be...

to wait here...

Right?

Until it gets light.

That's it? That's your plan?

They're out there ransacking

our entire street

and you just want to hide in here?

We need to do something.

We are the Neighbourhood Watch.

Exactly. Neighbourhood "Watch".

It's not Neighbourhood "Do", is it?

And even if it was,

we've done plenty.

We phoned the police, for all

the good they were, and we have

gaffer-taped a thug to a Sierra.

I think we've done

more than our fair share,

and now its time

for a little self preservation,

thank you very much.

But our neighbours-

Are insured! And will completely

understand our desire

to remain alive.

Fine.

OK. If you can live with that.

Yeah. I can.

Ooh, I can see the headlines now:

"Security expert hides in shed while

own street ransacked". Ha, yeah.

That wouldn't be a headline.

It's too long.

"Alarm Coward's Shed Shame".

Yeah, that's better.

Ooh, he'd probably frame it,

you know...

In his shop.

Graham.

We need a plan.

Come on. Come to Daddy.

Resistance is futile.

Oh, finally!

Come give us a hand son.

Or maybe you could give us a hand?

In fact, make it both of them.

Who the hell are you?

Neighbourhood Watch.

Blimey. You lot got serious.

Cuff him, Rocco.

Um, yeah.

Do you think

it would be better if maybe you...

Actually, yeah.

I'll cuff him. You cover him.

Keep still sunshine.

This doesn't need to hurt.

Grab him! Get him off me! Gah!

Grab him!

I've got him!

I've got him!

No, I've got him!

No! He's got me. I've got him!

There's nothing there.

Well, she's deleted it now,

but you could see Dad's Sierra

Well, there are other

Sierra's in the world.

Not in that condition.

And he's used the wrong "your".

He's put "your"

instead of "you are".

Chloe, he says he's fine.

The last thing we need is another

delusional neurotic in the family.

Just... stop fretting.

Ah, forget it.

Chloe...

Looks like we've

got ourselves some witnesses

I've seen nothing. I'd make

a terrible witness me, awful.

I don't know who any of you are.

Seriously?

You're cosying up to the Brennans.

Well, he knows who we are now.

Oh, brilliant. Another masterclass

from the so called expert.

Expert at what?

Evidently nothing.

Cause for Alarms?

Causes.

You didn't tell me

these were branded!

Shut up, Graham!

Eh? Graham?

One of your cameras...

put me behind bars

for three years, Neil.

I can only apologise

for the excellent resolution.

No apology necessary.

It makes all this a lot easier.

So, shall we get started?

We've only got a few hours,

they're going nowhere.

You're right. Let's finish the job,

then we'll finish them.

I'll be back.

Right, I'll take this telly.

Come here love.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, quality, that.

Friend of yours?

Not really.

Shame... You'll be seeing him soon.

We could be in a nice warm shed now.

Sitting pretty.

But oh, no,

you had to act the big hero.

Me?! None of this would have

happened if you hadn't tried

to blow up the whole street.

Well, I had to try something

after you'd turned the whole

neighbourhood against me.

Oh, I think you did that

all on your own, mate.

Don't you "mate" me!

Everything was fine until you moved

in with your weird little vendetta.

No one gave a damn about my Sierra

until you started stirring things up.

I mean, why? You can't even see it!

Why does it matter to you

what I put on my own front drive-

It wasn't me!

What?

It wasn't me...

...who complained about the car.

It was John.

He said he got sick of it

sitting there rusting away.

It was him that phoned the council.

Why didn't...

Well, why didn't

you say something before?

I thought about it...

...but you've seen it.

How people are with me.

Yeah, they're nice.

Bringing in your shopping,

taking you to the pub,

helping with your lights...

It's kind is it?

And why are they so nice?

Is it cos I'm nice?

People just treat you different

when you're... different.

Well, not everyone.

I mean, Suki always took people

as she found them.

Who the hell's Suki?

My wife...

Well, late wife.

She was funny, warm.

But straight-talking.

My daughter's the same.

Oh. I-

Holly.

She's studying Law at Leeds.

That's why I moved here.

Just to be a bit closer.

And don't get me wrong,

they're nice around here.

But I could take a dump

in their living room,

and they'd be like, "Oh,

don't worry about that, that's OK."

they were gonna let me run the

Neighbourhood Watch, for God's sake.

You can almost smell the sympathy

sometimes... But not you.

You didn't give a toss.

I mean in my defence,

I've been going through

quite a bad time

over the last few months

No, it's good.

I think I need it,

a bit of that, now it's just me.

So, maybe I let you

think the worst of me.

Kept things a bit difficult

between us. Like a guarantee.

That I'd always be

that git over the road...

and you'd never start talking to me

like I'm the poor blind guy

from number 3.

Because I'm not, you know.

I am Scott Patrick Dixon,

and I nicked your bin.

I bloody knew it!

Sorry you lost your wife.

Yeah, I wouldn't recommend it.

Right. Push against me.

What's happening?

We are getting out of here.

Oh, now you're talking!

On 3...

2...

1!

Right. Now bounce to your right.

OK!

What are you doing?

Well, your right or my right?

No, no! Not my right. Your left!

Sorry. How far?

Oh, follow me, just...

This isn't working!

I think we can burn

through the cable ties, but...

Do you think you can catch a lighter?

I'm a pretty good catch mate.

I play a bit of cricket.

But you're...

Yeah, I know. It's a thing.

OK. Here we go then,

Right.

- Ready?

- Yep...

Now!

Well, did you catch it?

Oh it was very wide...

but, luckily,

one of us is a professional!

Oh, you little beaut!

Stay still.

Oh!

Right. They said a few hours.

Which means we haven't got long.

Do you think it's enough time?

Maybe. If we just...

you know, work together.

I'm game if you are.

Do you reckon we could get them

back to my place?

I've got a few ideas but

it would need to be on home turf,

where I know my way around.

Back to yours it is. Oh, and...

...while we're being honest,

that postman, the other day...

that was me.

How stupid do you think I am?

I know more about what's going on

around me

than you will ever realise.

Oh!

What are you doing? Eh! Eh!

Get off! Idiot!

All we need now is some burglars.

Shh! Shh!

Shh...

Listen, Little Barry.

If we take this out your mouth,

do you promise not to scream?

OK.

Mum-m-m-m!

Alright, I owe you a tenner.

Oi, you two. Go find him!

RAY CHARLES: Mess Around

There!

Son?

Barry?

I'm blind!

Join the club.

Where's the walkie? I can't find it!

This way big man.

Try not to be so clumsy.

Dad down, number three. Come here!

..They did the boogie-woogie

With a steady roll

They mess around

They doin' the mess around...

Oi! Come 'ere!

Come here!

No!

Stop it. Argh!

Oh, don't... Here!

No point struggling. I've done rodeo.

What are you doing?!

Argh!

No! What are you doing?!

Give me my legs.

Give me my legs back!

Dad! Dad!

Huh?!

Dad! Dad!

OK.Dad...

OK.Pull!

Dad? Dad...

You!

Get me out!

Dad?

Come here, you!

Dad? Dad!

Argh! What are you doing?!

Taking what's mine!

Well, Chloe's.

And stealing something...

No, no, not my phone! Not my phone!

You started this!

Put it back!

Put my phone back now!

What's your code?

As if I'd tell you!

Fine. I'll use your face!

Go get 'em mum!

Ow!

Carol of the Bells

I know every floorboard

in this room.

Every creak, every crack,

every squeak of a nail.

So why don't you come over here,

and try and take this wicket...

I dare you.

Ooh!

Ah!

Had enough yet?

Ahhh...

Mm...

I'm waiting.

Couple of googlies?

Yes, yes, yes, that's right.

Yeah, it's 3 Staplethorne Close.

It's over!

I'm on the phone to the police

right now, so you may as well...

There ain't no one

coming to rescue you now, pal.

It's just you and me

Where do you think you're going?

Narnia?

200 plus VAT.

But you can't put

a price on peace of mind.

Oh, and close the door

when you're using the bathroom eh?

No!

No!

I've done my time!

Mum! Mum!

Help me, my legs, my legs!

Scott!

Neil! Absolutely smashed it mate.

That was amazing!

Is there anything we can't do?!

High five!

Yeah!

Help me...

Barry is that you? Give us a hand.

Would you... Everyone just like

to stop talking at once, please?

Are you alright?

Hm!

No, no, no!

You stay with her. I'll get the van.

We're getting out of here.

It's the mum. She's getting away!

Oh, no, no, no. Not on our watch.

No chance. Come on!

Get in the car!

Oh, not again!

Hello. It's us again.

Right, what are we doing?

Reversing the car,

blocking the drive, stopping the van.

In-In this thing?! Are you mad?

This hasn't moved anywhere in years.

It's falling apart.

- Even I can see that!

- It'll start.

Trust me, it's top of the range.

Well come on, turn it on then!

It'll start!

Oh, I told ya! John's got

more life in him than this car.

HOUSE OF PAIN: Jump Around

In your face John!

Ha-ha! Woo-hoo!

Scott! Grab the wheel!

Which way?

I don't know!

Busy getting k*lled here!

Woah!

Put it in first!

OK, which way?

Right!

You're right or my right?

They're both the same!

Oh, yeah!

Reverse!

OK, reverse!

Mind the cat!

Argh!

You told me to steer!

Barry's got the wheel!

I've got the wheel.

We've all got the wheel!

Mum-m-m!

Well, well, well.

Any last words?

Ow...

It's really hard to think of

something when you're under pressure.

I'll give you Cause for ruddy Alarm!

It's "Causes".

Oh my God!

That was...

What are you...

I thought you were in trouble.

Dad...

I cut through the park.

I don't care!

Chloe, is that you?

Hi, Scott!

I think she just saved my life!

Ha-ha-ha! Have you ever thought

of joining the Neighbourhood Watch?

Oh, stick a sponge in it you.

Stay still. Stay still.

Stay still.

You've had a mild concussion.

Yes, sarge. I can confirm it's

all four of the Brennan family.

..All for the little ones'

Christmas joys

Stop, stop, please. Stop!

Stop! Stop!

Stop it!

So it's, uh, Graham?

No, it's Scott.

This is... This isn't mine.

We, um...

- We don't talk about Graham.

- OK.

No way!

My dad.

My daughter.

No way! No way!

That's my phone! That's... my phone!

Come on. Come on!

Stop filming. Stop filming!

Excuse me,

I'd like to report a robbery!

Come on.

I know my rights! Do you hear me?

Get in the van. Come on.

..Down through the chimney

with old Saint Nick...

At least we're

together for Christmas.

It's Christmas Day, and we are live

at Staplethorne Close.

And I'm joined by...

Scott.

Chloe.

Neil Beesley.

Causes for Alarms.

Shouldn't it be-

No, don't.

Christmas is indeed

a time for giving...

Chloe! Up you get,

we're doing presents.

Now, tell me Scott, would you

describe yourself as a hero?

I would say that Chloe

is the real hero here, er,

would you say so Neil?

Yeah.

But I think that "Christmas Miracle"

- pretty much sums it up.

- Mum!

And do you have a message

for our viewers at home?

Merry Christmas!

Hi, Holly!

Chloe?

Mum!

Oh my God! Are you alright?!

Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm sorry.

I am. I'm really, really sorry.

You're an idiot.

I know.

But I love you.

Ow, what's that?

Oh.

I didn't get a chance

to wrap it but, uh...

Ta-da!

Thank you! Thank you!

Oh!

Come on, let's go in.

Why are you dressed like that?

Long story.

I'll tell you over pizza.

Hang on a sec.

Scott, you were amazing.

Thanks so much.

Thanks Melanie,

and Merry Christmas, guys.

h*, h*, h*!

Merry Christmas to you too.

Indeed.

Scott...

Neil.

I was just wondering, I've, uh...

It's not very festive,

but I've got a...

...three-quarters of

a room temperature

pepperoni pizza...

Sounds good to me.

Come on mate, lead the way.

What a night!

I couldn't have done it without ya.

Well, I couldn't have done it

without you!

Ha. Yeah, I know.

Merry Christmas, Scott.

Merry Christmas, Neil.

Ha-ha!

Would you like a mince pie?

One of mum's specials.

Oh, lovely.

Chloe? Chloe?

Go on. Try some. Join in.

Save one for Holly.

Dad, Sabrina.

Did somebody say mistletoe?

Right everyone, look this way.

Big photo. Big poses.

In 3...

2, 1...

Cheers!

Here comes Santa Claus,

here comes Santa Claus

Right down Santa Claus Lane

Vixen and Blitzen

and all his reindeer

Are pulling on the reins

Bells are ringing, children singing

All is merry and bright

Hang your stockings

and say your prayers

Cos Santa Claus comes tonight...