01x05 - Bad to the Bone/Southern Fried Cruella

[bunniefuu]

-[theme music playing]
-[barking]

[engine revs]

♪ I'm seeing lots of spots ♪

♪ Plenty of polka dots ♪

[barking]

♪ Get those puppies! ♪

♪ Can't catch a furry flurry ♪

♪ Running in a blurry hurry ♪

[barking]

♪ Get those puppies! ♪

♪ 1-0-1 ♪

♪ Canines on the run ♪

♪ 1-0-1 ♪

♪ Them doggone dogs are fun ♪

♪ 1-0-1 ♪

♪ Without fail you'll wind up
Chasing your tail ♪

♪ What's the harm
In revelrous adventures ♪

-♪ On the funny farm? ♪
-[clucks]

♪ 1-0-1 ♪

[barks]

♪ Life's just a bed of roses ♪

♪ 1-0-1 ♪

♪ Fast friends with cold, wet noses ♪

-♪ 1-0-1 ♪
-♪ Through thick, thin, push and pull ♪

♪ It's 1-0-1 oh wonderful! ♪

♪ Just tons of fun ♪

♪ 101 Dalmatians! ♪

[upbeat music playing]

[grunting]

[gasps]

[all chuckling]

Aged to perfection

with a saucy bouquet of pond scum.

Mooch, give me that. It's mine.

Whatcha gonna do about it, wide guy?

-[laughter]
-Good one, Mooch.

Aw, come on, Mooch.

I've been savin' that bone for weeks.

Give it back.

If you want it back so bad,

fight for it.

[growls]

[Lucky] Knock it off, Mooch.

Leave Rolly alone,
you big bawk-bawk-bawk-bully!

Aw, can't the widdle puppy defend himself?

Or is he too scared?

Rolly's not scared.

He's just allergic to risk.

Rolly would rather sleep than fight.

Yeah. If he weren't such a big cream puff,

he wouldn't be our Rolly.

Yeah. I'm just a big...

You know, I was right there with you
till we got to that "cream puff" crack.

You see, Cream Puff?

Even your pals think you're spineless.

Spineless, eh?

Hey, I'm tough, Mooch, and I'll prove it!

You're so tough, Rolly-poly,
let's see you do somethin' tough.

Let's see ya...

sneak into Cydne's place.

C... Cydne?

The, uh... the water s... snake?

The one who, uh, lives in the swamp

filled with creepy,
crawly pup-eatin' creatures?

[teeth chatter]

[gulps]

[all] Uh-huh.

[gulps]

[teeth chattering]

Well, what do you know?

He's actually going into the snake's pit.

Oh, we should have talked him outta this.

This is...
[gulp]

dangerous.

[teeth chattering]

[grunts]

Oh!
[grunts]

[thuds]

[screams]

[teeth chattering]

Uh... uh... I'm sorry, Mr. Cydne, sir.

I know that it's rude
to drop in uninvited,

but, uh...

Say, have you lost weight?

[screams]

[teeth chattering]

It's...

Yuck!

Empty skin!

Cydne must have shed his skin. Yuck!

It still looks just like him.

Say... if I thought
this was the real Cydne,

I wonder if it'd fool everybody else.

[snickers]

I'll show those guys.

It's no more Mr. Cream Puff.

[laughs]

He's been gone five minutes.

By now, he must be... Puppy Helper.

[crashing and thrashing]

Oh, yeah? Take that!

And that!

[growls]

[laughs]

-[Rolly as Cydne] Please stop!
-[all gasping]

[grunts]

Can't take the heat, huh, Cydne?

[as Cydne] Mercy!

Oh, mercy!

[crashing and thrashing]

And don't come slitherin' out

unless you want more of the same.

-Oh!
-[laughter]

Good one, Rolly.

I didn't know you had it in you, Rolly.

Well...
[chuckles]

What can I say, huh?

That was the most brutal display
of unprovoked hostility I've ever seen.

Takin' a dare is one thing,

but that was just reckless.

But... but I thought...

See, your friends think you're dense.

I think they're jealous
'cause you're cool now.

Me? Cool?

Welcome to the g*ng, Rolly-pol...

Uh... or maybe we ought to call you

Snake Stomper.

Snake Stomper.

-[laughter]
-Good one, Mooch.

His eyes cold as steel,

he grins evil-like and says...

"From now on, call me Snake Stomper."

No kiddin'!

When are we gonna do somethin', Mooch?

I'm bored.

We're doin' plenty.

We're lookin' cool.

See, now that you got a reputation,

it's your job, too.

Uh-huh.

Is a reputation a good thing?

Ah, it's the best.

It means you're tough.

You're respected, you're cool...

just like me.

[rooster crows]

[slurping and munching]

[gasping]

[all gasping]

[puppy] The stomper of snakes!

[all whispering]

[gasps]

[whining]

All the kibble you want,

and it's all because you're tough

and you're respected.

And I'm cool.

Why are you acting like this, Rolly?

This isn't the soft-hearted softie
we used to know.

Would you stop with that word already?

I'm tough now. Get it?

I am cool.

What you are is a classic textbook bully!

Clearly, your behavior is prompted
by a need for peer acceptance

based on low self-esteem.
[gulps]

I don't know what you said,

but nobody talks that way
to one of my g*ng.

[sighs]

You'd better go
if you're just gonna be jealous.

[Mooch growls]

We're not jealous.

We're just disappointed in you.

Aw, break my heart.

[all laughing]

Aw, you're only kidding yourself, Rolly.

This isn't the real you.

You know what happens to bullies.

Yeah. They get all the good stuff.

[sniffing]

[squeals]

So...

what's a tasty little pork chop like you

doin' in a swamp like this?

You don't scare me, Cydne.

I'm on a mission for Snake Stomper.

Snake Stomper?

He ordered me to find
some mushrooms for his supper.

And if he doesn't get 'em,
he'll come out here

and beat you up again.

Really.

Well... tell me more
about this Snake Stomper.

[sighs]
Can't we do somethin', Mooch?

I know lookin' cool is important and all,

but my tail's fallin' asleep.

Why don't you tell the story...

of how you got your nickname?

Why? You guys all saw
when I kicked Cydne's scaly butt.

Actually... I missed it!

-[screaming]
-[all scream]

D... d... don't just stand there,
Snake Stomper!

-[teeth chattering]
-Start stomping!

Okay.

[screams]

[all scream]

[breathing heavily]

[panting]

[hissing]

[neighs]
Huh?

[screams]

-[punching]
-[crash]

[both scream]

[chickens clucking loudly]

Oh, there goes my cholesterol.

[whimpering]

[teeth chattering]

[dinging]

[all barking excitedly]

[puppies gasp]

Snake Stomper
has a little confession to make.

Uh, Mooch!

Two-Tone!

g*ng!

Help me!
[grunts]

Sorry, Snake Food, but you're on your own.

Come on, Snake Stomper.

Spill it.

Spill!

I never beat Cydne in any kind of fight.

I never fought him at all.

[Rolly]
I just wrestled an empty snakeskin.

Yes, and?

[grunts]

You shouldn't fear me or respect me.

[groans]

I'm just a big liar.

[grunts]

You heard the pup.

Show's over!

[all barking]

Oh, one thing.

Lose the earring.

It's just not you.

Okay. I know what you're gonna say.

My cool friends dropped me
like a hot rock when I needed help.

And... since I ditched you guys,

I've lost your friendship, too.

Guess I got what I deserve, right?

Phew.

No. We'll take you back eventually...

[grunts]

Snake Skin Stomper.
[laughs]

Of course we will, Rolly.

But first, we'll wring every last drop
of guilt outta ya.

[Cadpig] But, hey, what are friends for?
[laughs]

[upbeat music playing]

Ah.

You know, I'm really surprised
Cruella let me have the weekend off.

[grunts]
Let's hit the highway

before she changes her mind.
[grunts]

Are you sure you can handle
all the pups, Nanny?

I got you past diapers, didn't I?

What's 99 housebroken pups
compared to that?

Now go!

And have a wonderful time!

We are gonna have a wonderful time.

No pets, no parents.

It'll be our vacation, too.

Yeah. Nanny'll be so busy
watchin' everybody else,

we'll just kick back and eat and eat.

And then we'll eat,

and after that, uh, oh, we'll eat.

-Yeah.
-I sense a theme.

[puppies barking]

H and J Messenger Service.

Telegram for Nanny.
[clears throat]

♪ We've got a singing telegram for Nanny ♪

♪ Nanny ♪

♪ From her sister in a jam ♪

♪ In a great big way ♪

♪ At a quilting bee
I picked a fight, you see ♪

♪ I won the fight, but I broke my knee ♪

♪ Need your help, love, Franny ♪

Oh! How awful.

Just awful.

Could've been worse.
We also do strip-o-grams.

I was talking about my sister.

[Nanny] Hello, Gruteley Kennel?

I need to board 99 puppies overnight,

-and I... I...
-[click]

Hello?

Oh!

I'll call every kennel in Gruteley
till I find one.

Oh, that was every kennel.

[tires screeching]

Nanny, darling!
Wonderful neighbor that I am,

I just stopped to see
if there was anything you need.

A cup of caviar?

A well-tailored shoulder to cry on?

A puppy-sitter?

And just how did you know that I...

Your singing telegram came to my address
by mistake.

I sent them right over
with the horrible news.

You must rush to your dear sister Frumpy
in her hour of need.

A broken knee is serious. It could spread.

Don't you worry about a thing.

It's the least I can do
after all you've done for me.

What have I ever done for you?

You've left quickly.

If anything happens to those puppies,

you'll have to answer to me!

Every second will be devoted
to lavishing them with a mother's care.

[Cruella] Ta-ta!

[screams]

[crash]

[groans]

Howdy, folks. This is Wild Bill Spotly

and my dog Spotty for Spotmart.

Come on down to Spotmart,

where the deals are real

and the people are A-1 genuine!

Spotmart, the spot for savings.
Tell 'em, Spotty.

Whoo-hoo!

If my plan works, Spotmart discount stores

from coast to coast will soon be featuring

my new line of clothing
for the simple folk.

I call it "bumpkin wear."

You got a contract with this Mr. Spotly?

Not yet, but he'll sign one

once he knows the real me.

Um, which real you?

[country accent]
The simple little ol' country girl

who lives on a farm

and raises his favorite breed of dogs:
dalmatians.

Oh, the fake real you.

No, the real fake me.

So, uh, are we workin'
for the real fake you

or the fake real you?

Oh, you nitwits.
I'm talking about the real fake real me,

who... Oh, just fake it.

What do you suppose it is?

Some kind of toy factory?

-Hm. I wonder what this button does.
-[beep]

[Cadpig] Hey! This is no toy!

It's a terrible glimpse of our future!

[gasps]
Cruella's gonna bawk-bawk-build a factory

to make her new line of clothes...

all around our farm!

[coughs]

This is terrible!
[coughs]

She'll choke us out of our home!

[coughs]

Good-bye, pastoral paradise.

[coughs]

Goodbye, furry friends!

[coughs]

Goodbye, barnyard smells.

Get your brains in gear.

We've gotta think of a way to stop her.

[Cruella] Howdy!

Welcome to my little ol' dalmatian farm,

Mr. Spotly... y'all.

Just call me Bill.

Then you just call me Cruella Mae.

Have some delicious pork rinds.

I whomped 'em up special.

Why, thank you, Cruella Mae.

[gulps]

Whoo! Love the spread you got here.

It'd just be the mightiest pleasure
I had since sun up

to show you around.

[crashes]

That there is one of my, um...

egg-layin' things.

And those are my... steaks.

And I have plenty more pork rinds
if y'all want 'em.

I see y'all have a heap
of my favorite kind of dog.

You must love 'em as much as I do.

Ain't that the truth?

You all and me all are just the same kind

of plain-livin', puppy-lovin' folks.

That's good.

If there's one thing I can't abide,

it's phonies.

Speakin' of dogs, you just come on in,

put yours up on a footstool,

and I'll whip you up
a mess of little ol' country cookin'.

[Cadpig] Some cook.

She's ordered out for all the food.

[slurp]
I hope there's leftovers.

This is no time to think
with your stomach.

We've gotta expose her as a phony.

Maybe we should take out her takeout.

Huh. Maybe we should think
with Rolly's stomach.

Oh, papa.

I think I like what you're thinkin'.

Mmm.

Go for it, Rolly.

Eat like the wind.

I really love you guys.

[grunts]

Stand back!

You might get sucked into the vortex.

[machinery and vacuuming sounds]

Now, y'all just lay back

and enjoy our favorite schlocky music

while I go sl*ve over a hot stove.

Later, we'll talk about
this little ol' contract.

[Cruella] Supper will be ready
before the cows... blossom.

Everybody, out!

[barking]

-[grunts]
-[yelps, grunts]

Hurry up and digest!

The food! Where's the food?

Oh!

What'll I do?

What am I going to serve?

I've never cooked in my life!

[grunting, panting]

-[Rolly screams]
-[screams]

[gasps]
An entrée!

Come to mama!

Come back here, you blockhead!

No one turns down my invitation
to be dinner.

Wait a minute, where there's chickens,
there's eggs.

Anybody can cook eggs!

Uh, there's been a slight change
in the menu, darlin'.

How do y'all feel about farm-fresh eggs?

I love 'em...

fried in butter.

B... butter?

With a glass of fresh milk.

-How fresh?
-Still warm.

And my favorite side order: bacon.

Bacon? What animal lays that?

What animal lay...
[laughs]

I love a sense of humor.

But I gotta say,

there ain't nothin' prettier

than the sight of a sweet little gal

butcherin' a hog.

Uh...

yes!
[sighs]

We gotta make her mad enough

so Spotly sees the real Cruella.

Then he won't buy her clothes

and she won't be able to build
her factory.

For that, we'll need total teamwork.

[Spot] Cruella wants eggs?
So, give 'em to her!

[chickens clucking]

[eggs splattering]

Two would have been plenty.

[moos]

Hmm.
[grunts]

How do you work this thing?

Oh, this cow is empty.

You must be the reserve tank.

-[grunts]
-Moo!

Don't get bossy with me!

You're giving me milk,
and there's nothing you can do about it.

-[screams]
-[thud]

Fine. We'll skip to the bacon.

[barking]

Well, now, ain't you just
the cutest little pup?

What do y'all want?

[barks]

You want me to follow you?
Well, okey-dokey.

[Cruella] Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ooh! Stop, hysterical sausage!

Hooooey! Look at her go!

She's sure enough a bacon buster!

[Mayor Ed snorts, squeals]

You infernal barnyard beasts!

Look what you've done to me!

I ought to buy this lousy farm

and turn you all out on the street!

Why, Cruella Mae,
I thought you did own this farm

and that you love those pups.

By the way, what happened to your accent?

Uh... mah accent?

Well, uh, why, I always talk funny

when I'm playing games

with my little furry ol' friends here.

[laughs]

[beep]

And what's this?
You're gonna build factories

around this good ol' farm,

destroy the countryside?

Ma'am, never!

You're no country gal.

My Spotmarts have no spot

for connivin' cheats
or their phony fashions.

Come back!

I can do real.

See?

Now, that was a fun vacation.

[theme music playing]