01x19 - The Wonderland Enquirer

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music playing]

Hey, cut it out. You're not helping here.

Okay, let's see.

A four-letter word for "king of beasts."

Hmm.

Is the answer "wolf"?

Or "bear"?

I know what it is. "Lion."

Your cousin is the king of beasts.

Maybe I should call you "Your Highness."

-[meows]
-Okay, last one.

A five-letter word
for "gossip" or "unproved story"?

Hmm.

"Gossip" means unproved story,
and "unproved story" means gossip.

What other word is there?

[sighs] Oh, marshmallow.
This always happens to me on the last one.

I'm gonna have to think about this one.

Hmm. Unproved story?

[mystical music playing]

[theme music playing]

♪ Hold on to your seat
Let's go for a ride ♪

♪ Now that we're here
On the other side ♪

♪ Use your imagination
And you'll understand ♪

♪ It's an adventure in Wonderland ♪

♪ Every day it's something new ♪

♪ With music, rhyme, and a dance or two ♪

♪ It's a curious place
With a wonderful crew ♪

♪ And you're never quite sure
What they will do ♪

♪ Use your imagination
You'll understand ♪

♪ It's an adventure in Wonderland ♪

♪ Adventure in Wonderland ♪

♪ Adventure in Wonderland ♪

[mysterious music playing]

Oh, dear. Where is that paper?

[gasps]

[Red Queen] Rabbit! Where's my newspaper?

Uh...

Coming, Your Majesty. Uh...

May I say, you're looking
exceptionally beautiful and regal

and understanding this morning,
Your Majesty.

A rose for a rose,
to brighten your breakfast.

Why, Rabbit, how thoughtful.
And now my morning paper, please.

What? Oh. Uh...

Why read the paper
on such a glorious morning, Your Majesty?

Why not drink in the sunshine, um,

and taste the fresh air?

Uh, savor the sweetness of the morning.

I already had my breakfast.

And I don't want to drink,
taste or savor anything.

I want to read. My paper, please.

Uh...

What happened to my paper? It's a mess.

[sobs] I'm so sorry, Your Majesty.

But when the paperboy
delivered the Wonderland Bee,

he tossed it in the flowerbed,
and it came all undone.

Well, undone is unacceptable.

From now on,
I want my paper special delivery.

Oh!

I'll take care of it, Your Majesty.

In fact, from now on,
not just special delivery...

but royal delivery.

[baroque music playing]

♪ Because you are the queen
Your wish is my command ♪

♪ If you say sit, I'll sit
If you say stand, I'll stand ♪

♪ Whatever I can do for you
I'll do it with chivalry ♪

♪ From now on I'll bring your paper
Royal delivery ♪

♪ Because you are the queen
Because you are of royalty ♪

♪ Your happiness I crave
You have my total loyalty ♪

♪ Whatever I can do for you
I'll do it with chivalry ♪

♪ From now on I'll bring your paper
Royal delivery ♪

♪ To see Your Highness smile
I'd walk a crooked mile ♪

♪ To bring you happiness
I'd clean up any mess ♪

♪ Whatever I can do for you
I'll do it with chivalry ♪

♪ From now on I'll bring your paper
Royal delivery ♪

Now hurry up and read me the interesting
tidbits in today's edition.

Right away, Your Majesty.

[chuckles]

-Today would be nice!
-Uh-- Yes.

Oh, um...

"'Caterpillar Tells Tale.'
The Caterpillar told a story yesterday."

That's not interesting.

The Caterpillar tells stories every day.

Oh. Oh, yes. Yes, indeed.

Yes, that's true. Um...

Oh, yes. Here's one.

"'Cheshire Cat Disappears.'

The Cheshire Cat was not seen
in several locations today."

That's not interesting either.

Oh, uh...

"Alice Visits Wonderland"?

Oh, it's the same dull stories every day.

There's only one thing
that's more unacceptable

than a paper that's undone,
and that's a paper that's uninteresting.

-Rabbit!
-Oh!

Bring me the editors
of this newspaper at once.

Right away, Your Majesty.

[somber music playing]

And you call yourselves editors?

We're sorry, Your Highness.

-It was just a slow news day.
-Slow?

The articles in this paper are duller
than the Dormouse's vacation slides.

We're planning on covering those
in tomorrow's Travel section.

You know, Your Majesty,
this is the best we can do.

You should hear
some of the stories we didn't print.

I don't see how
they could be any less interesting.

Well, let's see. How about, uh...

"Hare Hops"?

What are the details?

-Those are the details.
-Oh, this is ridiculous!

Isn't there anything interesting
going on around here?

Well, there was that one thing
that happened yesterday.

We were walking near the tea party...

[both sigh]

A lovely day for tea and crumpets,
wouldn't you say?

I certainly would say.

-Crumpet?
-I thought you'd never ask.

-[crunch]
-Oh.

What's wrong?

I seem to have lost a filling
out of one of my teeth.

Time for refill.

[Red Queen] Hold it!
Go back over that again.

[tape rewinding]

[Red Queen] Here's your story.

Do you think
the Hare's filling fell out by accident?

Hmm. Of course not.

I'll bet it was because the Hatter
served him day-old stale crumpets.

Start again.

-Crumpet?
-I thought you'd never ask.

-[crunch]
-Ow!

-Oh, gee. What's wrong?
-My filling!

It fell out because I couldn't bite
through this stale crumpet.

-[ground rumbling & dishes clattering]
-Oh! Are we having an earthquake?

It's your fault.

Hares have weak teeth.
I refuse to take the blame.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you'll be hearing
from my dentist and my lawyer, pal.

[Dee] Wait a minute.

The Hatter would never do that
to the Hare.

They would never talk
to each other like that.

-Were you there the whole time?
-No, we kept walking.

All we saw was the part
where the Hare lost his filling.

But it had nothing to do
with the crumpets being stale.

Well, how do you know?
Did you actually examine them?

Well, no, but--

Then a stale crumpet
might have caused his filling to fall out.

In fact, it's a very likely explanation,
seems to me.

It's possible, but we can't prove it.

It would just be gossip.

Who cares?
It's possible and it's interesting.

-I suppose so.
-Even if it is just a rumor.

Oh, don't quibble about details.
It makes an interesting story.

And I order you to print it.

Rabbit!

[tranquil music playing]

Oh. Hi, Mr. Cat.

Hello, Alice.
Where are you going in such a hurry?

To the Hatter's tea party.

[gasps]

Well, don't say I didn't warn you.
[humming]

Wait. But you didn't warn me.

What do you mean?

Let's just say

I've heard the Hatter's crumpets
aren't all they're cracked up to be.

-What?
-In fact, speaking of cracked up,

that's what might happen
to your teeth if you eat them.

[laughs]

Or so I've read.

"Hatter Serves Steel Crumpets."

I can't believe this is true.

So, do you still want to go
to the tea party?

Gee, I don't know.

I already told the Hatter I was coming.
I really can't back out now.

[purrs] Suit yourself.

But if you value your teeth,
stay away from those crusty crumpets.

Remember, you don't want to bite off
more than you can chew.

[hums]

I can't believe
the Hatter's crumpets would be stale.

But as the Cat said, it is in the paper.

For safety's sake,
maybe I'd better just have tea

and stay away from the crumpets.

[both scatting]

This will be the tea party
to end all tea parties.

Of course it will be.
Your parties are très marvelous.

"Tray" as in tea tray?

No, "très" as in French for "very."

Oh, you are très kind.

Not at all.
You, Hatter, are the host with the most.

[upbeat music playing]

♪ My good friend the Hatter
Gives the tea parties that matter ♪

♪ He's the host with the most
It's surely no idle boast ♪

♪ Or patter, or chatter ♪

♪ His parties are chic
The setting très sleek ♪

♪ Mais oui, mais oui ♪

♪ Surely everyone in Wonderland can see ♪

♪ He's the host with the most
So let us give a toast ♪

Magnifique, and also "mousy-fique."

♪ Why, thank you, my friends
May the tea party never end ♪

♪ Since I've been called
The host with the most ♪

♪ I'm supposed to boast ♪

♪ It's très, très fun
For each and every one ♪

♪ Only the best for my perfect guests ♪

♪ I'm the host with the most ♪

-♪ And the perfect host never rests ♪
-♪ The perfect host never rests ♪

Ah, Alice.

Have a seat, my dear girl.

-[humming]
-A little tea for the little lady.

There you go.

And how about a crumpet

to go with your tea?

[Alice] Uh, gee, I don't know.
I'm not that hungry.

Are you sure?

They're fresh out of the oven.

Mm, mm!

[Alice] Um, actually,

I don't like things that are fresh.

That is-- I mean--

I'm fresh out of appetite.

-What?
-For crumpets.

-Not that I'm saying they're not fresh.
-[gasps]

-Or that they're hard or stale...
-[gasping]

...or so tough
that they would hurt my teeth.

[gasps]

Oh, oh.

Does Alice seem a bit more confused today
than she was yesterday?

Gee, I don't know.

-Let me check.
-Yeah, please do.

-Please check. Please check.
-Mm-hm, mm-hm.

[Hare]
According to the Confusion Meter, mm...

nope, today she's just confused.

Yesterday she was very confused.

Then I don't understand, Alice.

Why don't you want a crumpet?
You've never turned one down before.

Well, it's just that I'm not--
I mean, I'm-- I'm not really--

[Mad Hatter sobbing]

I'm sorry.

It's just that there's this story
in the paper.

Oh, what story in the paper could there
possibly be that could cause such a--?

[gasps]

"Hatter Serves Stale Crumpets!"?

This isn't true. My crumpets
are always fresh out of the oven.

Well, the article said something
about the Hare losing a filling.

It was loose already.
His crumpet wasn't to blame.

Now because of this bogus story,

no one will want to come to my tea parties
if they think I serve stale crumpets.

How could such a rumor
end up in the newspaper?

I don't know how a thing like...
Wait a minute.

Now, that's news.

Yes, Your Majesty.

Oh, don't look so glum.

I bet you're selling papers
as fast as you can print them.

Crystal, is that true?

[beeping]

Sold out? Every copy?

See? I was right.

Do I have a nose for news or what?

[dramatic music playing]

♪ No secret can ever be too small ♪

♪ No story can ever be too tall ♪

♪ Once we begin, we'll uncover them all ♪

♪ What's on the surface
May be sweet and bland ♪

♪ So you have to dig deeper
Do you understand? ♪

♪ Just dig, dig, dig
To get the real scoop ♪

♪ If you dig, dig, dig
Then we'll make some loot ♪

♪ Embellish like crazy
When you're telling the truth ♪

♪ Oh, don't worry
If you haven't got the proof ♪

♪ What's on the surface
May be sweet and bland ♪

♪ So you have to go deeper
Do you understand? ♪

♪ You've got to dig, dig, dig
To get the real scoop ♪

♪ You've got to dig, dig, dig
Then we'll make some loot ♪

♪ A story is thrilling
When you're digging up the dirt ♪

♪ We'll make millions
When you're digging up the dirt ♪

♪ Dig, dig, dig
To get the real scoop ♪

♪ You've got to dig, dig, dig
Then we'll make some loot ♪

♪ A story is thrilling
When you're digging up the dirt ♪

♪ So start digging ♪

♪ Digging up the dirt ♪

This is it.

[laughs]

From now on, you will print
any story that might be true

as long as it's juicy.

How can a story be juicy?

I don't mean stories
about apples and oranges, that's for sure.

I mean stories that are interesting...

fascinating, dramatic.

Even if we can't prove they're true?

Do you want to sell papers?

Or worry about a tiny technicality
like proving something?

-Well, actually--
-Just do it!

[both] Yes, Your Majesty.

[humming]

-[coin clinks]
-Oh, dear.

Oh, dear. That was my lucky penny.

[Rabbit] "Rabbit Lies Down on Job!"

[gasps] That's not what happened!

[Crystal beeping and whirring]

Aw, marshmallow. You won again.

Come on, one more game.
And this time, I'm gonna whip you.

[Alice] "Alice Angry:
Threatens to Clobber Crystal!"

I didn't say that!

This latest story is so good

I can hardly believe it's mine.

[Caterpillar] "Caterpillar Steals Stories,
Calls Them His Own!"?

[gasps]

This is an outrage!

[dramatic music playing]

[pencil scratching]

[muttering indistinctly]

Mr. Caterpillar, we need to talk.

It's about these letters to the editor
you've been sending.

And I'm going to keep sending them too,

until you stop printing
these outrageous lies about me!

Please, stop writing to us.

-We understand how you feel.
-But it's not our fault.

Oh?

Then whose newspaper was it
that said I steal other people's stories

and then say I wrote them?

Just listen to this.

Who else but me could have written it?

[huffs]

Once a upon a time, there was a boy
who delivered papers early in the morning.

The boy liked being awake
before everyone else,

riding his bicycle
through the quiet neighborhood.

[glass shatters]

There was just one problem.

At one house
at the end of a long dark street...

[bat screeches]

...there was a dog.

A dog that didn't like to be disturbed.

[dog growls]

Every day, the boy would carefully
deliver the paper, then run like crazy.

[dog growls]

But one day, the boy fell.

The dog seized its chance and gave chase.

But the dog didn't want to bite the boy.
It wanted a favor.

He wanted the boy to deliver two papers:

one for him and one for his master.

You might say the dog
was a real "news hound."

The boy agreed.

And from then on, he and the little dog
read the paper together every morning.

There. Who else but me
can tell a tale like that?

Like we said, we believe you.

We're just trying to print a good paper.

But the queen is forcing us
to print stories that are just rumors.

Oh, I see.

[glum music playing]

Man, I feel terrible.

Stories in the paper
are hurting everybody's feelings.

Yeah, but what can we do?
We have our orders.

Oh!

Your Majesty, please.

Everyone is so unhappy with the newspaper.

But why?

Don't they see?

Printing all the news
is for the good of everyone.

Well, perhaps, Your Highness. But I...

I've even heard rumors

people think you don't care
about your subjects anymore.

-What?
-Not that I believe such things.

I know that you are truly a kind
and gracious queen.

Of course I care.
I know just how they feel.

I know what it's like
to be in other people's shoes.

Uh, yes.

Did you hear that?

Yeah. What did she mean by

"I know what it's like
to be in other people's shoes"?

I wonder, does the queen
buy other people's used shoes?

Boy, that would be a juicy story.

And we have orders
to print all the juicy stories.

[hip-hop music playing]

[rapping] ♪ Hey, brother ♪

[rapping] ♪ Yes, Tweedle Dum? ♪

-♪ She didn't say it ♪
-♪ Did too ♪

-♪ You didn't hear ♪
-♪ So did you ♪

♪ But the queen has lots of money
Why she's wearing old used shoes? ♪

♪ The queen will have our heads for this
But what else could we do? ♪

♪ We're rough reporters
Always lookin' for the news ♪

♪ And we just overheard the queen
Talkin' about old shoes ♪

♪ What? The shoe
The shoe is on the other foot ♪

♪ The shoe is on the other foot ♪

♪ The shoe
The shoe is on the other foot ♪

♪ The shoe is on the other foot ♪

♪ But we need a juicy story
And this is too good not to use ♪

♪ We'll really be in trouble
Once she reads this honeydew, ha ♪

♪ The queen will have our heads for this
But what else can we do? ♪

♪ The shoe is on the other foot
And what's more, it's used, ha! ♪

♪ The shoe, the shoe is on the other foot
The shoe is on the other foot ♪

♪ The shoe, the shoe is on the other foot
The shoe is on the other foot ♪

[Red Queen]
"Queen Buys Used Shoes!" What?!

This is outrageous.

I've never been so insulted
in all my life.

How could they spread
such a terrible rumor?

This is got to stop.

Rabbit! I want everyone
in my courtyard in five minutes.

Oh, yes. Five minutes.

-Let's see, that would be--
-Well?!

Ri-- Ri-- Right away, Your Majesty.

[huffing]

I deny every single word
in this scandalous story.

And although
I don't know who is responsible

for spreading this wicked rumor,

if I find out, they'll be sorry!

Your Majesty,

I'm sure no one would actually believe
that you would buy used shoes.

It's unimaginable
to even, um... imagine it.

Of course.
Anyone can see that your shoes are new.

Actually, the right one
looks a little scuffed.

The point is, these lies hurt my feelings.

Rumors should never be printed.

That's right, Alice.

And from now on,
you will only print stories

which you can prove are true.

No rumors.

You got it, Your Majesty.

The truth it is. No more rumors.

Your Majesty,
I think you've made a wise decision.

Naturally. I'm the queen.

Everything I do is wise.

Come, Rabbit.
I'm off to do my weekly shoe shopping.

Oh, uh...

[whispers indistinctly]

Ah! New-shoe shopping, that is.

[all] Ah!

[chattering]

[mystical music playing]

Well, Dinah, I think I know
the last word in my puzzle.

A five-letter word
for "gossip" or "unproved story."

Rumor. R-U-M-O-R.

There. All done.

Now if anybody tries to start a rumor
that I don't finish what I start,

I can tell them it's just not true.

-[giggles]
-[meows]

[theme music playing]

♪ That's all for now
But we'll see you again ♪

♪ Come back real soon
Now that we're all friends ♪

♪ Where every day is something new ♪

♪ With music, rhyme, and a dance or two ♪

♪ Use your imagination
And you'll understand ♪

♪ It's an adventure in Wonderland ♪

♪ Adventure in Wonderland ♪

♪ Adventures in Wonderland ♪