03x03 - Andy Richter & Sarah Silverman

[bunniefuu]

Hey, yo, the crank calls on this show is for real.

No b.s.'Ing.

♪♪♪

Tonight on "crank yankers"...

[Laughing]

this is a hoot.

[Man] ♪ come one, come all

♪ 'cause we're havin' a ball

♪ we're just makin' some calls to strangers ♪

♪ come on, come on

♪ you can say what you want

♪ and they'll never know if you're deranged ♪

♪ or what

♪ but it doesn't really matter ♪

♪ no, it doesn't really matter ♪

♪ 'cause we'll all be doubled over with laughter ♪

♪ at the expense of others, maybe even your mother ♪

♪ won't you join the crank yankers tonight? ♪♪

Crank yankers!

♪♪♪

[Video game beeping]

♪♪♪

[Siren wailing]

ohh...

[Sobbing]

[blows nose]

[telephone ringing]

ohh!

[Ring]

[woman] hello?

I was calling for the ad

that I saw there for a housesitter.

Yeah. Who's this?

Uh, my name is [bleep].

Hi [bleep] I'm cammie.

On a scale from one to ten,

how would you rate yourself in sexiness?

Wow. Ten-plus.

Ten?

I'm a big girl.

You got booty?

Oh, yeah.you rock.

Okay, uh, so just a couple more things.

I, um, just broke up with my boyfriend,

and he still lives in the apartment.

Uh-huh.

And so I'm just gonna need you to make sure

that he doesn't touch my stuff.no problem.

Yeah? Oh, cool. You could totally handle yourself?oh, yeah.

You know, he won't try to hurt you.

He might try to hump you.

If he doesn't have any respect for me,

I mean, I will respond with a punch.

Nice.

Sometimes if you punch him, he blows his wad,

but, I mean, that's not gonna affect you at all.

He's like a teddy bear, you know?

He's a horny, deranged,

sexual predator kind of teddy bear...

Oh, okay. Yeah.who's drunk all the time.

Would you mind doing

a little role-playing with me really quick?

Okay.

Um, his name's rocco, by the way.

So let's say you come in, and I've just gone to work,

so he's there.

Um, so I'm rocco. [Imitating man] who are you?

Um, cammie's housesitter.

Cammie's housesitter? I wanna hump you!

Well, I'm sorry, but, uh, no, thank you.

But cammie said I could grab your a*s.

She told me.

If you do touch me, we're gonna have a problem.

Well, I'm gonna run in cammie's room and piss on her radio.

Oh, hell, no.

You're not touching none of her stuff.

[Normal voice] okay, yeah. You did good with that.

That's really good.

My mom said she used to, at first,

think that I was a l*sbian,

and then she thought that I was a wh*re

because I'm always hanging around with dudes.

Nice. Is there any part of you that's a l*sbian?

No.

So if I came home--

I was a little tipsy one night,

and I just happened to want to hump,

no possibilities of that?

Uh, no.

Okay, one last question.

Let's say a huge black guy

comes pounding at my door to see me.

What do you do?

First, if you're home, I'm gonna ask you who it is,

see if you want me to open the door for him.

Okay, yeah, always let him in. You don't even have to ask.

Always?

Yeah. Always let him in.

Okay.

Okay, awesome [bleep]. I am going to call you back,

and hopefully when I see you, um,

I can grab your big boobs, and we'll work something out.

Oh, my gosh. Okay.

Okay. Thanks [bleep]. Bye.

Okay, bye.

[Phone beeps]

♪♪♪

[Phone ringing]

[ring]

[phone beeps]

hello?

[Woman] hello, is this [bleep]?

Yes.

Hi, I'm hadassah guberman

from "careers international" magazine.

I'm writing an article on painters,

on various artists, and I was given your name.

You're a portrait painter?

Well, I do paint portraits, among other things.

Have you always wanted to be an artist?

Yes, of course.

And you--where do you find your inspiration?

I'm guessing from your life.

Well, whatever is around me in the world.

Right. g*y.

What do you think went wrong in your childhood

that forced you to be creative as, say, a survival skill?

I don't think--

I think that's a very incorrect way

of looking at what makes an artist.

It's not a matter of something going wrong.

In some ways, it's a matter of something going right.

Why do you think you're so defensive?

I don't think I'm defensive.

But that was so defensive, that answer. That's funny.

Do you think that it's true

that most people are drawn to art

because they're too cowardly to go through with suicide?

People who create art?

Yeah, people who create so-called art.

No. I mean, you're making a presumption there

that is not true.

Well, I think writing really depends

on a series of presumptions.

Someone once said to me

three very simple words, which rang true--

never assume anything.

Oh, okay. Was the friend the one that hit you?

Who what?

That hit you.

Who hit me?

Did anybody say someone hit me?

I don't know. I always presume, like--

you're presuming.

You just said, "I always presume."

Okay, so when you were molested,

did you think to yourself,

"that's it. I'm gonna be a painter"?

Who ever said I was molested?

Nobody ever said that. Why did you say that?

You're right.

You're making some very--

you're right. It's important,

'cause I don't want to turn off my subject, you know?

Well, you're trying to write the story

by putting words into the conversation

that have no relevance.

How many times do you think that you need to be molested

before you can really be a great painter?

Is this a conversation about artists or molestation?

Exactly,

and that's what I'm thinking about titling the whole piece.

And your agenda is molestation, and--

but my agenda--

I'm really sorry. I have to end this conversation now

because you're trying to weave, uh, your interviewee

into your agenda without--

it's like putting a square p*nis

into a round peg.

A square what? What did you say?

Why? What did you think I said?

[Ripping sound]

[phone ringing]

shannon.

[Man] shannon?

Yes.

Name's birchum.

Uh-huh.

You running the army store?

Yeah.

You in the service yourself?

What--no.

No?nope.

How old are you, shannon?

I'm, uh, like, .

Just missed nam, didn't ya?yep, missed that.

Let me tell ya what you missed...

Yeah?

Hell on fire, my friend.

It was that bad?

It's been years. Feels like it was yesterday.really?

I close my eyes. I'm right back there.

No kidding.

Sitting in a bunker,

mortar rounds going off around me.

Smoking hash out of a human skull.

I once beat a mother to death with her own child.

Oh, come on.ain't nothing to laugh about.

No, I don't think it's funny. Let me tell you, i--

lost a lot of friends-- espinoza, johnson,

lieutenant snap, chuck crackle, major pop.

All good men. All strong men.

Wow.

Let me tell you about them vietcong.

They hid in caves-- very elaborate caves.

Ah.

Some would open into whole rooms--

places to dine, recreation areas, foosball.

It was all there.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

You want to trade some of your stuff for--

is that what you're thinking?

Yeah. I got some stuff

that's considered a little black-market--

some ears, some skulls, stuff like that.

I don't need any of that.

Don't need any of that?don't need any... [Laughing]

you put some of those v.c. Ears on ebay.

Believe me, there are some pretty wealthy asians

willing to spend some top dollar for that.

Really?oh, yeah.

Never heard of an ear necklace, huh?

No. That's what they-- they like those, huh?

Skull fanny pack?

The skull fanny pack?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

vag*na purse.

Change pouch made out of a human vag*na.

Wow!

Oh, yeah. That ain't the half of it.

That's hard to believe, but I guess, yeah,

like you said, that probably ain't the half of it, so...

No. It was macabre, my friend.

Got a walking stick

with a human foot on the end of it.

Oh!

No? Nostril pencil holder?

None of that for you, huh?

No.

Oh. Got a bong made out of a thigh bone.

Oh, my god.

You don't want to make an offer?

No, I think I'll pass on that.

Hey, that's some stuff, though, that, uh...

Yeah, it's a little gruesome. You guys buy beanie babies?

Beanie ba--nope.

Oh. Well, I didn't get those out of the cave.

My niece left them when she was visiting.

[Laughs]

third tour I was in there, earned a purple heart.

[g*ns firing]

[expl*si*n]

twisted my ankle pretty bad.[Crunch]

uh-huh.got a high ankle sprain.

Very painful. Very painful.

Hip bone fruit bowl?

Rectum umbrella holder?

[Laughs]

don't laugh.

Some guy out there missing a-- well, he's probably dead.

You're right. All right, buddy.

Okay.never forget!

All right.

Never forget what?'Nam.

I had her, too.

All right, man. Take care.

Shannon? That's a chick's name.

[Laughs] I know.

What's up?not always.

All right, buddy, I'll see ya. See ya in hell.

All right.[Line disconnects]

ah-choo!

[Farts]

♪♪♪

[Making farting sounds]

[phone ringing]

[man] hello?

Hi. I was calling about the personal assistant.

Oh, great, great. And what is your name?

Daphne [bleep].

Oh, that's great. My pup's name is daphne.

Oh, really?

[Scratching]

no! No! Get off the couch.

Okay. Wasn't sure if you were talking to me.

I'm sorry.

I'm talking to my dog, my dog daphne.

So do you have any experience?

You know, actually,

I have administrative assistant experience.

However, I don't--

daphne--daphne, down. Good girl. I'm sorry.

Um, what--okay, let me get your phone--

I think we're gonna have a problem,

'cause I'm not sure if you're gonna be talking

to me daphne or the dog daphne.

Oh, I'm sorry. That is right. You're right about that.

What is your phone number, daphne?

[Bleep]

no number two. No number two, daphne!

Bad girl![Whimpers]

how many hours are you prepared to work a week?

I don't have any kids, you know. Single. I'm open.

What is wrong with you?i have no idea.

No, I'm sorry. I'm talking to my dog.

Oh! [Laughs]

okay, and are you good with computers?

Yes.

Good girl.

Good girl.

First of all, can you make snacks?

I make anything from dessert to...

Don't eat that.

You know, tuna salad or chicken salad, pasta salad.

Don't eat that. Don't eat that.

Don't eat that.[Growls]

no?

Don't eat that, daphne! Drop it. Good girl.

Okay, and so you would be willing to take on this job?

Sure. What exactly would you need me to do

as far as come there and, you know--

do you want to go outside, daphne?

You want to go outside? Daphne?

I'll go outside.

Okay, because I've got, like, um,

charcoal, like, um, grills out in the back

that need to be, you know, brought in,

like, if it's raining and things like that.uh-huh.

Great. Great. What's that lump on your nipple?

What is that lump? No, okay, that's not a lump.

Okay, daphne, thank you for your call.

Thanks, jack.

And--you want to sit on my lap?

You want to sit--daphne?

I am here.

No, not you sit on my lap-- the dog.

Take it easy now.

[Growls]

all righty.

Don't bite on that.

Don't bite on it.

Who wants a bone in their mouth?

Okay, um, can you start in two weeks?

Sure, you know, being--

I'm sorry. I'm talking to my brother about the dog.

[Laughs] you are-- you know what?

My brother's named daphne, too.

Oh, your brother... [Laughing]

surrounded by daphnes. Wow.

Yeah. All right, daphne.

Well, um, I guess I will talk to you later.

Okay. It's been a pleasure.

I'm sorry. I'm talking to my brother right now.

[Laughing]

I will pick you up later. We will wash you,[growls]

and we'll put some flea powder on you.

All righty.

Okay, daphne, thanks a lot.

Right back at you, jack.

I'm gonna trim your toenails later, too. Bye-bye.bye.

Aah!

[Growling]

ooh! Aah! Aah!

[Groaning]

[beeping]

[phone ringing]

[man] standish enterprises, can I help you?

Uh, yes, I was calling about the ad you had in the paper.

Yes, breaking in the beds.

Well, what exactly is that?

I have a very large estate,

and all the mattresses need to be broken in

so that I don't have to do it myself.

And I'm willing to pay top dollar.

Okay.

Do you have a tape measure handy?

No, I don't.

Mmm. I need to check some sizes on you.

Go ahead. I pretty much know my sizes.

All right.

What is your measurement from your ankle to your knee?

From my ankle to my knee is about / inches.

And from the taint to the navel?

From my what? Oh, in between.

Yes.

Oh, uh, that's about inches.

Okay. And from the taint to the nose?

Mmm. What is it-- about or inches.

All right. What about the taint to the uvula?

That'd be my torso, basically, right?

No, the uvula is in the back of your throat.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Um, uh,

it's about inches.

And from the taint to the fallopian tubes?

Uh... Jeez, I wouldn't know that.

So far, your taint is perfect for my bed.

Oh, wow.

Do you have the right attitude?

Yes.

Are you a dreamer?yes.

Let's role-play.

I'll be a fence. You be a sheep.

Let me hear you make a sheep sound.make a what?

Sheep sound.

Baa.

All right. Wonderful. Now do you snore?yes.

You do? Let me hear how you snore.

It's a... [Snores]

[mutters]

[snoring, muttering]

keep snoring.

Now papa's gonna sing you a lullaby.

♪ Sleep, my little baby

♪ whilst I pleasure myself with your hair ♪

♪ sleep, my little baby

♪ you're not going nowhere [snoring]

♪ I'll do the butt-drag that doggies do ♪

♪ across the pillows...

I'm sorry?

Continue to snore. We're doing wonderful.

[Snoring]

♪ and...

Cavendish, get in here! Look at what I'm doing to him.

♪ I'm relieving myself on your chest ♪

♪ there's a hot lunch on your chest ♪

♪ and it just got delivered by me ♪

♪ and now I'm going to pee, I'll pee as free as can be ♪♪

[snoring stops]

continue to snore.uh...

[Dial tone]

aah!

[Phone ringing]

[ring]

[beep]

ramondo's. May I help you?

[Man] uh, yes, I'd like to make a tee time for four

this wednesday, about : in the afternoon.

Okay.

Uh, what is-- what's par on the course?

Is it ?

I'm sorry. What are you talking about?

Well, I'd like to make a tee time for a foursome.

Who is this?

My name is lloyd.

Lloyd?

Yeah.

Okay, well, this is a tearoom. Tea.

Oh! Tea!

Yeah, we have, like, afternoon tea.

You know, like--

[laughing]

this is a hoot! I could-- t-e-a, not t-e-e!

Correct.

[Laughing] oh, that is the best!

Oh, that is rich.okay. It made my day.

Oh, I can't believe-- 'cause I sure couldn't

show up there and start hitting a golf ball.

No, no. We really wouldn't like that.

You might hit one of the fragile teacups.

Teacups! "T-e-a" cups.

Fore! Look out! Hitting through the crumpets.

Oh, this is a gut buster. Too wild. Too rich.

I tell you--

if you ever want some tea, come on down, but--

all right, I will.

You'll have to call someone else, though, to play golf.

Thank you very much.you're welcome.

Bye-bye now.bye-bye.

[Phone rings]

francesca's. May I help you?

Uh, hi, this is lloyd again. I just called in.

Yeah, lloyd.

I made the mistake of--

I got a buddy conferenced in. He couldn't believe it.hi.

Tell him what happened. He can't believe it.

I can't believe this.this is such a hoot.

This is a tearoom, francesca's tearoom,

and he calls up asking me about tee time.

And I'm taking his reservation,

and he starts asking me what the par on the course is.

I'm, like, "uh..."[Laughing]

isn't that a hoot?

Unbelievable! That is a hoot.

Yeah, that is a hoot.

I mean, that's really a hoot.

That's really a hoot, I told you it was a hoot.

That's something else. I mean, gosh, that's a hoot!

There's a lot of words that are similar,

and it's easy to confuse them,

and that's what happened here,

is that I heard the word "tea,"

and I thought the word "t-e-e," not "t-e-a."

Right.

And i-- I can't believe it still.

[Laughing]

well, I hope you have a good time--

hey, it's a good thing

you didn't ask how the greens were.

She would have tried to sell you a salad.

Right, right, right. The green fee.

Yeah, that's salad.what a hoot!

Oh, that is a hoot.that really is a hoot.

You gotta explain it to my brother bob.

He's a little--

would someone like to tell me

what all this laughing's about?

I called a tearoom--

"t-e-a" room-- for a t-e-e time.

So you're telling me

it's a place that serves tea,

not a golf course.

[Laughing]

[men laughing]

I could-- oh, that is the best!

♪♪♪