03x29 - Queen's Best Friend

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music playing]

-[meows]
-What do you want, Dinah? I'm busy.

Do you want out? Is that it?

Okay, just a sec.

Well, do you wanna go out or not?

You know, sometimes I wish you could talk.

It's pretty hard to know
what you're saying

-when the only word you know is "meow."
-[meows]

What? I can't read your mind, you know?

Okay, here's the deal.

You decide what you need, and...

I'll get back to you later.

[theme music playing]

♪ Hold on to your seat
Let's go for a ride ♪

♪ Now that we're here
On the other side ♪

♪ Use your imagination
And you'll understand ♪

♪ It's an adventure in Wonderland ♪

♪ Every day is something new ♪

♪ With music, rhyme and a dance or two ♪

♪ It's a curious place
With a wonderful crew ♪

♪ And you're never quite sure
What they will do ♪

♪ Use your imagination
You'll understand ♪

♪ It's an adventure in Wonderland ♪

♪ Adventure in Wonderland ♪

♪ Adventure in Wonderland ♪

[quirky music playing]

Get your own grapes, Rabbit.
These are mine.

Stop that. I don't look over your shoulder
while you read.

And by the way, you might consider
trying a new mouthwash.

-[barking]
-Oh! Oh!

Where did you come from? Shoo.

Shoo. Shoo. Go away. Go away. Go away.

Go on. Go away. Shoo.

Did you say something, Your Majesty?

I said get out of here.

Oh, not you. I was talking to this dog.

Oh, he's so cute. You didn't tell me
you got a dog, Your Majesty.

[Red Queen] That's because I didn't.

He's just a stray.
He doesn't even have a collar.

[Rabbit] Oh!
Perhaps he doesn't even have an owner.

Oh! Your Majesty, could we keep him?

We could call him Scruffy.
And I would take him for walks.

-And make sure that he--
-Oh, forget it.

It's bad enough picking bunny fuzz
off the furniture,

I'm not dealing with dog hair too.

Look at him.

How could you resist
such a cute furry face?

Oh! [chuckles] Alice, stop it. Stop it.
You're embarrassing me.

Oh...

You meant the dog.

[pop music playing]

♪ Give the dog a break ♪

♪ To help him on his way ♪

♪ Come on, make his day ♪

♪ What will it hurt? ♪

♪ After all, this pooch
Looks like he could use a smooch ♪

♪ He needs a bed to rest his head ♪

♪ A home to stay, a place to play ♪

♪ Show him you care ♪

♪ And always be there ♪

♪ It's a long hard road
When you're alone ♪

♪ Without even a bone ♪

♪ He's such a handsome hound ♪

♪ And really smart ♪

♪ Come on, let him into your heart ♪

♪ After all, this pooch
Looks like he could use a smooch ♪

♪ He needs a bed to rest his head ♪

♪ A home to stay, a place to play ♪

♪ Show him you care ♪

♪ And always be there ♪

♪ It's a long hard road
When you're alone ♪

♪ Give the dog a break ♪

♪ He'll sure appreciate it ♪

♪ If he could get a break ♪

♪ And maybe a bone ♪

Oh, please, Your Majesty.

We could even build him
his own little royal doghouse.

No. Now get this animal out of here.

Or you'll be in the doghouse.

Well, looks like we'll have to find you
a new home.

Sorry, pup, I'd take you,
but my cat wouldn't speak to me again.

Your cat talks, Alice?

[meows] I'd like to meet her sometime.

Oh, hi, Mr. Cat.

No. Actually,
my cat isn't the talking kind.

I just meant she'd be angry with me.
She doesn't like dogs.

I, uh...

I don't suppose you'd be interested
in taking him, Cat.

Hm. Well, he's cute. For a dog.

But my kitty condo complex
doesn't allow pets.

-Well...
-Could you watch him for us

while we go buy him a leash?
I don't think he'll follow us without one.

Sure. Glad to help.

See you later. Bye-bye.

Aw. What's the matter, doggy?

You wanna stay here a while?

Well, if you don't mind
a little friendly feline help,

I think we can arrange something.

See, the Queen might keep you
if there was something special about you.

Like, for example, if you could talk.

"Thanks, you're a classy cat."

Hey, I do a pretty good dog voice.

Wait till the cats down at
the old scratching post hear about this,

they'll really howl. [cackles]

Now, let's have a little fun.

[barks]

No, no, no.

None of that.
Remember, let me do the talking.

All right, I hear the Queen coming.
Now, stay.

That's it.

Oh, good doggy.

Hey, what are you still doing here?

[Cheshire Cat]
I felt like chatting some more.

We had so little time together earlier.

Oh, forget it.
I told you before I don't want any--

Hey.

I understood you.
You can communicate with me?

You can talk?

[Cheshire Cat] I can also bark.

But I found that communicating by speaking
saves everyone a lot of time.

Incredible. [laughs]

I thought you were just a plain, ordinary,
run of the kennel mutt.

[Cheshire Cat]
Please, don't call me a mutt.

My name is Charles Chumley
Cogswell Jones III.

Charles Chumley Cogswell Jones III? Oh!

I thought all dogs had names like, uh,
Fido or Rover or Spot.

[Cheshire Cat]
Those are the names people give them.

Spot? Please.
It's enough to make a grown dog whimper.

Well, I can't go around calling you
Charles Chumley Cogswell Jones III.

By the time I get through saying that,

I won't be able to remember
what I wanted you for in the first place.

[Cheshire Cat]
Well, my friends call me Jonesy for short.

Oh! Okay, Jonesy.

I take back
the bad things I said about you.

Talking dog.

Oh!

I'll be rich and famous.

Wait. I'm already rich and famous.

Well, I'll be richer and more famous.

Jonesy, have you ever been on TV?

[Cheshire Cat] I tried out
for a dog food commercial once.

But they gave the part
to the producer's poodle.

You know that TV show
Late Afternoon with Red Letterman?

He has a thing called "Goofy Pet Tricks."

You and I are going to be on that show.

Stay here.
And don't talk to anyone but me.

I'm going to call Red Letterman himself.

[laughs] A talking dog.

Stay.

Well, there you are.

Come on, doggy.
It's time to find you a home.

It's all set. We're going to be on
the Red Letterman show tomorrow, Jonesy.

[gasps] Jonesy?

Here, boy. [clicks tongue] Here, boy.

Jonesy? Here, boy. Here, boy.

Jonesy? Oh.

Where is that dog?

Oh, harrumph.

I can't believe he would run away
without saying something to me.

Saying something?

You don't mean to tell me
that you have a garrulous dog?

No, I think he's actually part Collie.

No, no, no.
"Garrulous" just means he talks a lot.

Oh. Oh.

Well, then I do have a garrulous dog.

Or had one.

Oh, never mind.
I don't have time to chat, Cat.

I've got to find that dog. [clicks tongue]

Here, Jonesy. Jonesy.

[cackling]

Heads up.

Perfect.

Yours, I presume.

Uh, keep it. It's too soggy to serve.

When did you get the new pet?

He's not mine. He's a stray.

The Queen doesn't want him,

so I'm trying to find
a responsible owner for him.

You know? The type who will give him
a good home and...

take care of him.

Well, I'm a very responsible caterpillar.

[gasps] Oh.

But I have enough to do
just keeping my mushrooms pruned.

However, I'd be willing
to share this story with you.

Once there was a pack of sled dogs
who lived in the far, far north.

Every year,
they entered the big sled dog race.

And every year, they lost.

One year, after losing as usual,

the dogs heard a husky laugh.

Her name was Diane.

"What's so funny?" the dogs growled.

"We'd like to see you do better."

"No problem," Diane barked in reply.

"In fact, if you let me join your team,
I'll show you how to win."

[laughing]

The other dogs howled with laughter.

"A girl in our pack? No way."

"Fine," Diane sniffed.
"Then I won't help you."

The pack wanted to win.
So they decided to give Diane a chance.

"You're losing because you're all pulling
in different directions," Diane said.

The pack saw that Diane
wasn't barking up the wrong tree.

Her advice made sense.

So when it was time for the next race,
the pack all pulled together,

and for the first time ever...

they won.

The team turned to Diane
and wagged their tails in thanks.

You see, not only had they all learned
to pull in the same direction,

but they also had learned that a girl
could be top dog.

Interesting story.

But tell me, what exactly
did it have to do with my problem?

Nothing at all,
I simply thought the dog might enjoy it.

[barks]

[Red Queen] Jonesy.

Here, doggy, doggy, doggy.

Doggy, doggy. Jonesy.

Jonesy. Come.

-[whistling] Jonesy.
-Hi, Your Majesty.

Looks like
you're barking up the wrong tree.

Oh, I hate it when you do that.

Uh, what do you mean
I'm looking in the wrong place?

I mean the Rabbit finally found a home
for your cute canine companion.

The Rabbit gave him to someone else?
Why would he do a silly thing like that?

Uh, because you told him to?

Oh. Well, so what?

A queen can change her mind, can't she?
Where is Jonesy?

Well, let's just say that he's developing
a taste for crumpets.

Oh!

Gee, now I see why they always say
dogs and their owners look alike.

How true that is.

I wonder what kind of dog he is.

I'd say he's a pointer.

I just hope he's not a pincher.

Oh, he won't pinch you.

He wouldn't hurt a flea,
let alone a dormouse.

In fact, in all of dog-dom,

no canine more deserves
to be called man's best friend.

[pop music playing]

♪ There's a feeling that you get ♪

♪ From a loyal loving pet ♪

♪ And nothing in the whole wide world
Is better ♪

♪ Yeah, this pooch is quite a guy ♪

♪ You can see it in his eye
You can tell that he's a real go-getter ♪

♪ He's got a message to send
He is man's best friend ♪

♪ On him you can depend
Because he's man's best friend ♪

♪ He's got a really high IQ
I'll bet there's nothing he can't do ♪

♪ He's truly an amazing canine ♪

♪ Throw a stick and he will fetch it
Toss a Frisbee and he will catch it ♪

♪ This hound is a wonderful find ♪

♪ He's got a message to send
He is man's best friend ♪

♪ On him you can depend
Because he's man's best friend ♪

-[Hatter] He'll bake crumpets.
-[Hare] He'll make tea.

-[Hatter] He'll do dishes.
-[Hare] Wait and see.

♪ He's man's best friend ♪

♪ Woof, woof ♪

Well, one thing's for sure,

it'll be nice to have him around
to guard the tea party.

Oh, yeah. Actually,

I already have a watch dog.

[barks]

Hey, watch that watch.

Don't worry, Dormouse,
its bark is worse than its bite.

Charles Chumley Cogswell Jones III,
there you are.

Hatter, I'll take my dog now.

Your dog? You mean Rover here?
I'm afraid you're mistaken.

I'm not mistaken.

And by the way, he hates the name Rover.

-But Rabbit said you didn't want him.
-That was before I knew he could-- Uh...

Jonesy and I, uh, communicate.
Uh, we understand each other.

I'm sorry,
but Rover and I have made plans.

At 1:00, we're playing fetch.
At 2:15, I'm taking him for walkies.

And at 3:30,

I'd planned on scratching that spot on
his tummy that makes his leg go like this:

Well, too bad, Jonesy's my dog.

Rover is mine.

Jonesy would be much happier with me.

Well, Rover likes it here.

I'm not so sure about that.
In fact, why don't we ask him?

Jonesy?

Rover?

Oh, no.

We've driven him away
with our petty bickering.

I'm so ashamed.

Oh! You two--

Jonesy.

Jonesy.

Jonesy, where are you?

Hm?

So, what should we call him?
Sparky? Fido? Bob?

Bob? Why Bob?

There was this guy in my third grade class
with that name.

He didn't like to take a bath either.

-[whimpers]
-There's no reason you should mope.

It's just a little bit of soap.

[reggae music playing]

-♪ A rub-a-dub-dub, a-sitting in the tub ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪

♪ So very patient he awaiting
While we rub ♪

♪ You're such a lovely puppy
Yeah, you're such a precious puppy ♪

♪ Paws that will splash
Playful as we lather ♪

♪ Big bubbly bubbles
That double all the suds ♪

♪ I know you'd much rather be out there
Chasing ba*ls ♪

♪ Than to be here, scrubbing in the tub ♪

♪ A-rub-a-dub-dub ♪

♪ A-rub-doggy-in the tub ♪

♪ A-rub-a-dub-dub ♪

-♪ Oh ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪

♪ A-rub-a-dub-dub ♪

♪ A-rub-a-bubbly-puppy ♪

♪ A-bubbly-bubbly-bubbly-bubbly-puppy ♪

♪ Soon you will be the propinquity
Of a well-heeled pedigree ♪

♪ A-rub-a-dub-dub
A-rub-a-bubbly-puppy ♪

♪ A-rub-a-dub-dub
A doggy in the tub ♪

♪ Get rub, get rub, get rub-rub-rub ♪

There you are. Oh! Oh!

Sorry, Your Majesty.
We were just giving our new dog a bath.

I guess he wanted to return the favor.

First, he's not your dog.

Second, I hope you used a good shampoo
and conditioner.

I don't want him getting split-ends.

-You mean Bob is your dog?
-Yes, he's mine. And his name is not Bob.

It's Charles Chumley Cogswell Jones III.

-Yes...
-But he was wandering around the forest.

No offense, but a responsible owner
would never let her dog run loose.

That's true.
You should have a leash for him.

And if you took him to obedience school,
he wouldn't run away.

I know.

But this dog doesn't need to learn
to sit and stay,

this dog is going to be a star.

Tomorrow, we're going to be
on the Red Letterman show.

Ah. In fact, I'm surprised he didn't
tell you about it.

He's rather garrulous.

He talks a lot.

-Talks? As in communicates with words?
-Yes. Mm-hm.

Oh, right. Remember, Dee?
He spoke to us too.

He said, "Woof, woof."
Or was it, "Bark, bark"?

No, it was more like, "Arf, arf."

Ha, ha. Laugh now.

But make sure you're watching
the Red Letterman show tomorrow.

When this dog and I
make television history.

Come, Jonesy. Come, Jonesy.

Come. Come.

Or was it, "Bow-wow"?

Bow-wow!

Ah!

There.

Doesn't that look comfy?

[Cheshire Cat] Absolutely.

And by the way, thanks again for dinner.

-The kibble crepes were fabulous.
-Good.

Listen, I have a bone to pick with you.

Why wouldn't you talk
in front of the Tweedles?

I was very embarrassed.

[Cheshire Cat] Sorry,
I thought you wanted to save the surprise

for the TV show tomorrow.

You did ask me to speak only to you.

I suppose.

Anyway, we better get our rest.
Tomorrow is a big day.

Uh, Your Majesty, about this pillow
you want me to sleep on...

Yes?

Does it need fluffing?
Should I call the Rabbit?

[Cheshire Cat] No, it's just that--

Well, I've never liked
sleeping on the floor.

[laughs]
Where else would you sleep, my bed?

[Cheshire Cat] Okay, if you insist.

Hey.

How am I supposed
to stretch out my toesies

if you're hogging up
the whole end of the bed?

[Cheshire Cat]
You can use my pillow if you want.

Your pillow? Forget it.

I'm a queen. I don't sleep on the floor.

Even on satin pillows.

Now get back down there.

[Cheshire Cat] Well, okay,
but it's so drafty on the floor,

I'd sure hate to get a sore throat

and end up not able to talk
tomorrow on TV.

Oh...

Harrumph!

[grumbling]

Give me my blanket.

Come, come, come. That's it. Good dog.

Thanks, Your Majesty.
You're really a dog's best friend.

[chuckles]

[male announcer] And now, a man

who doesn't believe
in letting sleeping dogs lie,

he thinks they should tell the truth,

Red Letterman.

-[audience cheering and applauding]
-Thank you. Thank you.

We've got a great show for you today.

First up is one of my favorite things
on the program.

It's a chance for people to show us

what they've taught
their talented animal friends.

In other words, it's time
for a little thing we like to call

"Goofy Pet Tricks."

[audience applauding]

Thank you.

Today we have an iguana
who does card tricks,

a canary who does cat impressions,

and a 200-pound hamster who...

Well, does whatever he wants.

[audience laughing]

But first, I'd like to introduce you
to a very special dog.

Please welcome
Charles Chumley Cogswell Jones III.

Jonesy for short.

And his owner, the Red Queen.

[audience applauding]

Thank you, Red.
It's a pleasure to be here.

Of course it is, Your Majesty.

So tell us what Jonesy is going to do.

I'd love to, Red.

You see, Jonesy is no ordinary dog.

Jonesy can talk.

A talking dog?

You mean if you ask him
what's on top of your house,

he'll say, "Roof, roof"?

No, you chucklehead.

I mean he communicates
with words and sentences.

In fact...

he will now recite for you
his favorite poem by Jack Frost,

"Stopping by Fire Hydrants
on a Snowy Evening."

Go ahead, Jonesy.

[audience laughing]

Come on, you know this by heart.

What's that Jonesy? Speak up.

Wait, we'll try something else.

If the band will play along,

we'll sing his favorite song,
"Walk, Walk, Walk the Dog."

♪ Walk, walk, walk the dog
Quickly down the street ♪

[audience laughing]

♪ Walk, walk, walk the dog
Quickly down the street ♪

Come on, Jonesy, help me out here.
We're losing the crowd.

Don't worry. If you're lucky,

someday you'll teach him to fetch a stick,
or sit up and beg or something.

In the meantime,
we have to get to our next guest.

But he can talk.

Jonesy, tell Mr. Letterman that joke
you told me before the show.

-Go ahead, Jonesy.
-[barks]

No? No. Enunciate. Enunciate.

It's very good. Thank you, Your Majesty.
Let's give her a big hand.

-Wait. You got to believe me. He can talk.
-[audience applauding]

He is very garrulous.

How dare you?

Oh, Jonesy, stay. Jonesy, speak.

No, no, no. Believe me, he can talk.

[Cheshire Cat]
I hope you're not angry, Your Majesty.

Angry? Me?

Just because I looked like a fool

in front of millions of people
on national television?

Eh. Perish the thought.

But I don't get it.

Now you're talking up a storm?
What happened on the show?

I'm sorry.

I should've told you, I get stage fright.

Oh.

Well, we won't get a second chance.

Because your real owner saw you on TV,

and he's coming to pick you up
on the next train.

At least we had a few laughs, huh?
No hard feelings?

Well...

Okay.

I have to admit,
you did change my mind about dogs.

After all,
a queen doesn't have many friends

who wag their tails
every time they see her.


[pop music playing]

♪ I don't know why I never realized
How much fun a dog can be ♪

♪ Oh, Queen
I'm so glad that you changed your mind ♪

♪ I thought you forgot about me ♪

♪ Tail-wagging friends ♪

♪ Don't care if you look like a dog
In the morning ♪

♪ Tail-wagging friends ♪

♪ We'll jump up and kiss you
Without any warning ♪

♪ Don't you ever worry about being sad
You'll always have a warm place to sleep ♪

♪ And you have my everlasting loyalty ♪

♪ That's one promise I can keep ♪

♪ Tail-wagging friends ♪

♪ Don't care if you look like a dog
In the morning ♪

♪ Tail-wagging friends ♪

♪ We'll jump up and kiss you
Without any warning ♪

♪ You'll never have to make amends ♪

♪ With tail-wagging friends ♪

He's in here, you guys, with the Queen.

Gee, Your Majesty, I didn't know
you and the dog were still speaking.

Uh, sorry.

Um, it's time for the dog's owner
to come in on the train.

We're sure gonna miss having you around,
Rover, old boy.

It's been great knowing you, Bob, old pal.

Your Majesty, uh, are you sure
you won't go with us to the train station?

Uh, no. I'll say my goodbyes here.

-But give us a moment alone, would you?
-Okay.

We'll be outside.

I'm sure you two have a lot to say
to each other.

[laughing]

Jonesy.

Of all the thrones, in all the palaces,
in all the world,

you had to walk into mine.

[Cheshire Cat]
Here's looking at you, Queenie.

Aw, don't be sad, Your Majesty.

The dog may be gone,
but you can always talk to me.

You?

Compared to that dog, you never
have anything interesting to say.

Oh!

[laughs]
Aw, Your Majesty, you don't fool me.

I know that when it comes to a fuzzy face,
you're just an old softy.

[panting, then cackling]

Well, Dinah,
do you know what you want yet?

Oh, so this is what
you were asking for all along.

A little attention.

Sorry, I didn't figure it out earlier.

Even though you can't use words,
I guess you can communicate with me.

As long as I take the time to listen.

[theme music playing]

♪ That's all for now
But we'll see you again ♪

♪ Come back real soon
Now that we're all friends ♪

♪ Where every day is something new ♪

♪ With music, rhyme and a dance or two ♪

♪ Use your imagination
And you'll understand ♪

♪ It's an adventure in Wonderland ♪

♪ Adventure in Wonderland ♪

♪ Adventures in Wonderland ♪