05x03 - The Love That Dare not Speak Its Name/Major Cheese

[bunniefuu]

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Things are not always
as they seem.

So, how was work today,
honey bunch?

Great!

They let me test drive the new
super fast sports car today.

So, billy, have you decided what
you want to be when you grow up?

Well, ever since I could
remember, there's been someone

In my life whom I've idolized.

A man who's not afraid of his
feelings, and the funny noises

And smells that come out
of his butt.

A tall, bald man, who has
a really cool job.

A man who wears a suave black
robe and carries a magic scythe

And has no skin or gooey organs,
and flames sh**t out of his eyes

When he gets really angry.

Hey!

That's me.

He's talking about that
monster he and mandy play with

All the time.

The grim reaper.

I knew that.

Billy!

Why on earth would you want
to grow up to be like that

Abomination?

Because grim's my bestest
friend and the coolest guy in

The universe and there's nothing
that'll ever come between us.

So, you want to grow up to be
like me, hey?

I don't know whether to be
flattered or terrified.

Rule number 1:
selection is the key to any

Successful reaping.

Got that?

Now, let's see who we've got
to pick from.

Nope, no, too healthy, too
smart, heck no, too suave... Wait!

Who's this now?

There's something strangely
familiar about this one, I can't

Quite put my finger on it, but
she reminds me of somebody.

Yes!

I think I've found our first
victim.

What do you think, billy?

Ahh!

She's perfect.

All right, billy.

Get ready to witness some
serious reaping.

Billy?
'Scuse me.

Yeah?

Are your legs tired?

No, not really, I took
the bus here.

Umm, well, if your legs were
tired, then it's because you've

Been running through my mind
all day, mm-hmm.

I don't get it.

Me neither.

Would you like to be my
girlfriend?

Umm... Ok.

Really?

Billy!

What are you doing?

Rule number 2: do not consort
with the reapee.

Grim, I want you to meet my
new girlfriend, uhh...

Girl.

Hello there, big boy.

I'm blandy.

Nice to meet you.

All right, that's enough,
you ain't gotta drool all over

Her, grim.

I saw her first, you know,
she's mine.

What are you talking about?

I saw that look you gave her.

What look?

There, that one, you're doing
it now!

Billy, I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Just back off, mister I like
to steal billy's girlfriend guy.

You're crazy, man.

That's right, crazy.

Crazy in love.

With grim.

With grim.

Your name's grim?

Isn't blandy the most beautiful
girl you've ever seen?

Her hair is like... Wow.

And her eyes are like... Whoa.

And her lips are like, ga... Gow,
how you like me now?

I can't believe she gave me
her number.

And her left sock to remember
her by.

Ahh.

Tastes just like blandy.

Uhh, how nauseating.

Well, billy, looks to me like
you've been twitterpated.

Twitterpated?

Uh... Well, mom said I should have
more fiber in my diet.

Not constipated, you boob,
twitterpated.

Nearly everyone gets
twitterpated in the spring, man.

You've been smitten by a member
of the opposite sex.

Girls at your age start to
develop, uh, a taste for human

Flesh, so your life is pretty
much over.

You do know, billy, that's not
blandy's sock.

Ahh.

Before today, I used to think
that tube socks smelled

Like feet.

Now, they just smell like love.

What's this dork face talking
about?

Apparently he's fallen in
love, but this time, with

A girl.

With a girl?

With a girl?

All right, billy!

Dear, dear, billy's fallen in
love with a girl!

If she's human, you owe me


I don't buy it.

When has billy ever had anything
in common with a human,

Let alone a girl?

So who's this pathetic, lonely,
desperate, desperate, desperate,

Desperate, desperate, desperate
creature?

Her name's... Uh...
Her name is blandy.

You like her, don't you!

Well you can't have her,
she's mine, mine, mine, mine,

Mine, mine!

I never want to speak to you
again.

Grim, can you give me a ride
to the mall?

I gots to go meet blandy.

We've been walking around
for hours, billy.

Where is this blandy chick?

She told me to meet her
at the mall when I called her.

But where could she be?

She wouldn't stand me up, right?

Right?

I just can't go on without her.

I can't, I tell you... Oh, there
she is.

Hi, blandy.

You remember grim?

How could I ever forget?

Unfortunately, grim can't
stay.

He's just got tons of things
to do.

What are you talking about,
billy?

I don't have...
So, blandy, I was just

Thinking, maybe it's time we got
a little more serious.

And since you are my future
bride, I only have 3 conditions:

1, Don't ever look at anyone
else.

2, Don't ever think about anyone
else.

3, Don't ever talk to anyone
else, and 4, see rules 1, 2,

And 3.

Uh, yeah, about that.

You see, billy, when I first
agreed to be your girlfriend,

I only said that so that you
would worship the very ground

I walk on.

And then I get to rip your heart
to shreds later.

That's how relationships work.

I thought you understood.

I've waited my whole life
to meet a very special boy,

A boy who's not afraid of his
feelings and the funny noises

And smells that sometimes
accompany his butt.

A tall, bald boy, who works all
day and night and wears a suave

Black robe and carries a magic
scythe and has no skin or

Organs, and flames sh**t out
of his eyes whenever he gets

Really angry.

That's me!

I was talkin' about grim.

[Roars]
grim...

Oh, it must be me lucky day,
there's a c*ck and a thumb

In my hot dog.

Hey, those things don't grow on
trees, you know.

I knew you were trying
to steal blandy away from me.

What the heck are you talking
about, billy?

Don't pretend like you don't
know anything.

You've been plotting to usurp
my girl this whole episode.

I'm old enough to be her
grandfather's grandfather's

Grandfather.

Plus, I find her extremely
repulsive.

I get sick to the stomach just
looking at her.

Go ahead, grim, tell billy
about us.

What are you talking about,
girl?

There is no us.

[Growls]
oh, no, now you've done it,

Child.

[Roars]
aah!

Fight, fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight, fight!

Blandy, blandy!

Thank goodness you're here.

You've got to tell billy there's
nothing between us.

Heh heh heh.

Ha ha ha ha.

Heh heh heh.

Ha ha ha ha.

Uh, where'd you get that
book?

Oh, I found it while I was
going through grim's personal

Belongings.

Funny pictures make harold
happy.

Hey.

There's a hideous creature
looking thing in here named

Blandy, just like billy's
girlfriend.

Oh, no.

We've gotta get to the mall
as fast as we can.

We've looked for billy
for hours.

He's nowhere to be found.

We're too late.

We failed him, mandy.

Failed.

[Cries]
oh, there he is.

We've got to tell billy what
we found out about blandy.

I hear you loud and clear.

Let me handle this.

Billy!

I have something very, very,
important to tell you.

It's crucial that you listen
to me, ok?

Where'd you put the remote
control to the tv?

I can't find it anywhere.

In... The... Bathroom.

All right, thanks, billy.

Mandy, what are you doing?

This doesn't involve you.

Mandy, mandy!

You've got to talk some sense to
that boy, he thinks something's

Going on between me and blandy.

Tell him it's untrue.

You lie!

You dirty liar.

No, billy, grim's right.

Blandy has played both of you
against each other.

I found this in grim's monster
manual.

She's really a doppelganger,
a shape-shifting monster from

The nether realm that takes on
different forms in order to sew

Misery and dissension.

Blandy, say it isn't so,
please?

Uh, it isn't so.

Tell him, or else.

All right, it's true.

You found me out.

Everything you've heard about me
is true.

You happy now?

B-b-blandy, is that you?

Yes, billy.

You see, when I arrived in this
dimension, my initial plan was

To create as much jealousy and
turmoil as possible.

But what I didn't plan on was
falling in love.

I don't care about that,
blandy, I still love you.

I don't mean you,
I meant grim.

I'll k*ll you!

All right, it's about time
you got to steppin'.

And don't ever let me catch you
in this dimension ever again.

Now vamos before I get really
angry.

Wait, blandy, don't go!

Please, blandy!

I swear, one day I will find you
again, blandy, and we'll be

Together forever.

Do you, billy, take blandy,
this hideous disgusting

Creature, as your lawfully
wedded wife?

Oh, gross.

I do.

And do you, blandy,
take billy as your husband?

Billy?

I thought I was marrying grim.

I'll k*ll you!

Remember, kids, love only
leads to pain.

Oh, they've got a lot of
nerve, man, calling that place

A convenience store.

Rather inconvenient, I'd say.

Ah, come on.

They sell these cool light show
toys.

Just press and watch.

Oh, you know what I'm talking
about, mandy.

Those convenience store ceiling
fans, always trying to steal

Me scythe.

And then there's the microwave.

Still broken.

I think it's for you, grim.

It's plasmo!

All right, plas, whatcha got?

Gotta go to work, eh, grim?

Yeah, well, sort of.

2 Points.

Sort of?

Why?

Well, most of my calls to
reap have been false alarms.

False alarms?

You mean like the time I saw
myself in the mirror and thought

I had an evil clone?

Aah!

Even worse.

And take that stupid thing off
your face.

So, why all the false alarms?

The blamin' health and
fitness industry, that's why.

You see, your species finally
figured out that good health

Habits can actually add bonus
years to your life.

Bonus years?

Hey, you're not allowed
in here.

I'm staying.

Ugh, all right.

But don't touch anything.

Ok, move it along.

We get false alarms because our
antiquated underworld system

Can't keep up with who's added
bonus years and who hasn't.

And I hate false alarms.

They're so false.

And alarming.

How poetic.

Look what I found.

Ha ha ha.

Is that the guy you're gonna
reap, grim?

That's right, they call him
mighty moe, and this is his gym

For the elderly.

And they're all adding bonus
years with mighty moe's help.

Wow!

It's like a retirement home for
hamsters, except with tv's.

So, is that mighty moe?

Nah, that's mighty joe.

He was last week's false alarm.

This is moe.

Hey, where's eeny and meeny,
mighty moe?

Ha ha ha.

All right, down to business.

Billy, be a sport and turn off
that treadmill so I can talk

To moe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah!

Yeah!

Ow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Ow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Ow.

Why do you hang out with him,
mandy?

Yeah!

Come on, turn it off already.

Ok, grim, I want my bonus
years.

Watch this display of ultimate
fitness.

Yeah, all right.

The underworld proudly presents
you with the silver anniversary

Plaque, granting you bonus years
for good health habits.

Again.

We wish you many years of happy
blah, blah, blah.

Come on, mandy.

Well, that was super
uninteresting.

Oh, sweet matilda.

Heh heh heh heh.

Run, run, run, run to your
momma's bony ribcage, reaper,

'Cause you lose again.

Eh, a few bonus years and
they get attitude.

Because if I keep adding
bonus years with good health

Habits, I'm gonna live forever.

Ha ha ha ha!

Live... Forever?

No.

How many times do I gotta tell
you?

You can't live forever by adding
bonus years with good health.

Well, I say you can live
forever by adding bonus years

For good health.

And I can prove it here in my
new soon to be delivered book

Called "you can live forever by
adding bonus years with good

Health."

That's right, finally a
guidebook to getting your bonus

Years.

In it, you'll discover exactly
how much bonus time each act of

Good health gets you.

For example, eating this banana
gets you 12 minutes.

This spear of broccoli,


This curl, also 12 minutes.

Just about everything gives you


And start living forever.

Coming soon to your local book
shop in this 18 wheel truck

Driven by a guy named mack.

All right, so you figured out
how to live forever.

But I'll tell you right now,
it's overrated.

Come on, spinner.

[Whistles]
spinner, boy.

Spinner, no!

Don't make me come in there
after you.

All right, you asked for it,
mister.

Spinner?

Hello?

I can hear you.

Forever, huh?

Yeah, moe found the loophole
in the system with all this good

Health stuff.

So what are you gonna do
about it?

Have a drink of water and
forget about it.

But...
No but's, mandy, you know

I don't like but's.

Well, we agree on something.

If moe's book makes it public,
everyone will find the loophole

In the system and live forever,
too.

Uh, that water tastes like
zombie sweat.

You've tasted zombie sweat?

Yeah.

In college.

It was a hot day.

But that water's just plain
unhealthy, it could k*ll

Someone.

That gives me an idea to beat
mighty moe.

Well, how you gonna do that?
Easy.

With junk food.

If good health habits can add
years, then bad ones can take

Them away.

And it doesn't get any badder
than this giant cheesy puff.

How am I gonna get a health
freak like moe to eat this?

As colonel major cheese puff.

Ahh.

Ok, here he comes, grim.

That's colonel to you, mandy.

Excuse me.

You wanna buy a major cheese
puff?

You got spicy, crunch center?

Yeah, I'm pretty spicy.

Nah, I mean the puff.

Oh, you mean this.

Mm, I haven't had one of
these since I was in my 60's

When I lived in scotland.

Now, uh, we discuss a price.

Uh, how about 50 bucks?

Deal.

Here, take it.

Uh, pardon me, friend,
but I'll give you $250 cash

For that cheesy puff.

Ok.

Heh heh heh, money always wins
over scotland, hee hee.

No, not even money from the
beauty heavens can fill the void

Where spinner once lived.

[Doorbell rings]
who could that be in the

Middle of my lemon salt scrub?

[Doorbell rings]
coming.

All right, grim, you're up.

No, you'll laugh at me.

Have you ever seen me laugh?

Well, no.

But maybe this will be the first
time ever.

I remember my first time, it was
horrible.

Well, at least she didn't
laugh.

Ah, ha ha ha ha.

Good afternoon, I'm...
You know what mighty moe did

To the last college student
trying to raise money to travel

Abroad?

How'd you know I was gonna
say that?

Well I introduced her to my
grandson, chad.

Man, oh, the light.

Chad loves to travel abroad.

My name's kevin.

Oh, this guy's off his chair,
man.

I've never traveled abroad.

Now that's just weird.

Speaking of weird, billy,
what happened to spinner?

Eh, he just ain't worth
the pain.

Well, you two have fun
abroad.

Eh, I w...
That's it.

Eeh.

From now on, we do this
my way.

Gah... Yeah.

Here, you need this more than
anyone I've ever met.

And that's a lot of people.

Hey, these things can k*ll
you.

Hey, where are you going?

Moe's over there.

If I can't stop mighty moe,
at least I can stop his books,

And that truck load is over
here.

And there is the truck driver.

The name's mack.

That's right, I can change my
size 'cause I'm supernatural.

Is it just me, or is grim
getting lamer?

Wait, billy.

I just noticed grim is
dangerously close to those

Telephone wires.

Oh, my gosh, you're
dangerously close to those

Telephone wires.

You needn't worry about my
imminent electrocution.

I needn't worry about your
imminent electrocution?

This isn't the truck load of
books you're looking for.

Actually, I own this truck.

You'd much rather be home
watching tv.

Tv...

Can I have snacks and some
friends over?

The answer is yes, but you
gotta take out the trash first.

Ohh, I always gotta take out
the trash.

Oh, they grow up so fast.

All right, so you got rid
of the trucker.

What are you gonna do with the
truckload of mighty moe's live

Forever books?

Oh, I got just the place
to get rid of them.

Come on, hop in the truck, kids.

Where we goin'?

Some place moe will never
find them.

Hey, wait!

Come back with mighty moe's
books!

I haven't signed them yet!

Jump!

Well, so much for living forever
by adding bonus years with good

Health.

] Yeah, but nobody can take
the place of spinner.

I just hope she's happy,
wherever she is.

And what's your name?

Ha ha, I'm little hottie.

Ah, here you go, hottie.

Wow, cool.

Oh, now I'll never live forever
by adding bonus years with good

Health.

Nearly everyone gets
twitterpated in the spring, man.

For example, you'll be walking
along, minding your own

Business, you're looking neither
to the left, nor to the right.

And all of a sudden, you run
smack into a pretty face.

You begin to get weak in the
knees, your head's in a whirl,

And before you know it, you're
walking on air.

You're knocked for a loop, and
you completely lose your head,

And that ain't all.

It can happen to anybody.

It could happen to you.

And you.

And you.

And... Eh, eh, not you.

Ohh.