06x07 - The Most Greatest Love Story Ever Told Ever/Detention X

[bunniefuu]

Grim: [ laughs evilly ]

Mandy: what is the
speed of darkness?

[ Thunder rumbles ]

Hello, "mr. Math" book.

I am ready to accept
your knowledge.

Aaahh!

Oh, hi, principal goodvibes.

aimez-vous les sandwiches?

Day-old tacos, s'il vous plait.

Know what that is, pud'n?

That's french,
the language of love.

And do you know what the best

Way to show love is, pud'n?

Um... Cash money?

No!

By attending the annual

Valentine's day school dance.

Will do, sir!

Good boy.

Good, good boy.

Junior: [ thinking ] dear

Diary,
no one feels pain as deeply as I do.

No one suffers like I do.

I am different.

I am alone.

If only someone
would reach out to me...

Hey, junior.

Um, would you like to, um...

Walk me home after school today?

Junior: can't you see I'm

Trying to write
my dark thoughts?!

[ Crying ]

I couldn't help but see you

Brooding over here, nergal jr.

Junior: I'm just not feeling

Very sociable, sir.

Oh, nonsense!

The valentine's
dance is coming up.

It's the most sociable
day of the year!

So you better get out there and

Start getting rejected by girls.

Irwin: yeah, yo, I'm gonna

Ask mandy to be my date.

She'll probably say no the first

Few hundred times, but I figure

I can wear down
her spirit eventually.

Irwin, see if you can rub

Some of that confidence off onto

Junior here.

Irwin: I'll rub it all over him,
sir.

Good boy.

Good, good boy.

Billy: aah!

[ Panting ]

Sperg: get back here, meat!

Billy: aah!

Sperg: what are you looking at,
dork? Huh?

Maybe I need to adjust those

Glasses of yours.

Junior: [ roars ]

Sperg: mommy!

Billy: ooh,
thanks for the save, junior.

Junior: no problem, cousin.

Billy: you want to hang
out after school?

Junior: really?

You want to hang out with me?

Billy: yeah! It'll be fun!

Junior: okay, but I'm usually

Allergic to fun.

I want to thank you guys.

It's nice to finally have some

Friends to hang out with.

Usually, I just go home, stare

At the wall, and let the

Intense, soul-crushing

Loneliness overtake my very...

Irwin: check it, yo!

I finished mandy's valentine.

When she sees this, she'll have

To go to the dance with me.

Junior: what's it feel like,

Being in love, irwin?

Irwin: it's a beautiful

Flower inside your chest that's

Trying to burst out
through your rib cage.

Billy: like my dad's heartburn!

Irwin: my love hurts so much,
so very much.

[ Crying ]

[ Vomits ]

Junior: love sounds amazing.

Irwin: there it is, the

Sweetest crib of them all, yo...

Mandy's house.

Billy: she's really gonna

Flip when she gets your

Valentine's card.
Irwin: yep.

Time to go give it to her.

Billy: well?

Irwin: I can't move my legs, yo.

I'm too... Terrified.

Junior: what happened
to mr. Confidence?

Irwin: it was all false, yo!

I'm not the cool
stud you think I am.

[ Panting ]

Junior: irwin, you have to

Give mandy your card.

You put your soul into making

It, your blood,
your sweat, your tears.

Billy: your puke.

Irwin: no!

You've got to give
it to her for me.

[ Panting ]

Just tell her I couldn't be here

Because i... Uh, uh... I had

Maximum diarrhea, yo!

Please?

For a friend?

Junior: for a friend?

Sure.

[ Grunting ]

Mandy: oh, yeah?

Well, try me.

Just try me, mom.

Claire: [ whimpers ]

Mandy: that's what I thought.

What do you want, junior?

Junior: I brought you this

Valentine.
It's from...

Mandy: valentine?

"Roses are red,
violets are blue.

I want to go to the dance with

You."
Junior: yeah.

See, it's from...

Mandy: your card is clichéd.

But I accept your offer.

Junior: my offer?!

Mandy: you will pick me up at



Nice restaurant.

No seafood.

Junior: but...
Mandy: here.

By signing this contract, you

Agree that there will be no

Hand-holding, no hugging, no

Slow dancing, nor physical

Contact of any kind.

And flash photography is

Strictly forbidden.

Okay, see you friday.

Junior: but, see,
irwin... Diarrhea.

Irwin: [ sobbing ]

Junior: irwin, I'm sorry.

Irwin: you stole my woman!

Junior: it was an accident.

Irwin: I hate you!

Billy: I don't even know who

You are anymore.

No, really, who are you?

Junior: stupid, stupid, stupid.

[ Knock on door ]

Hey, son, I heard angry noises.

You want to talk?

Junior: I'm just mad at myself.

You wouldn't understand, dad.

Oh, wouldn't i?

I see.

You lost your new
friends over a girl.

Junior: does that
make me a bad person?

No, son, that makes you a man.

Junior: really?

Should you feel guilty?

Heck, no!

Feel pity for the
dateless losers?

It's their fault for
being lame weenies.

Junior: but I don't even know

If I like mandy.

Son, it's not about you

Liking a girl or
a girl liking you.

What's important is that she can

Never get away from you.

Why do you think I moved to the

Center of the earth
with your mother?

Hi, honey!

Nope, she ain't going nowhere.

Junior: thanks, dad.

You helped me put
things in perspective.

Get ready, mandy.

Here comes your date.

I got to stop making
my hand big like that.

[ Exhaling sharply ]

Mandy: say one word about the

Dress, and I'll k*ll you.

Let's get this thing over with.

Look at you two...
Such a cute couple.

Ah, I remember my first

Valentine's dance...

Although I wish I didn't.

Hey!

Would you kids like to listen to

Some music?

Junior: sure, dad.

Yeah, I bet you would.

[ Dance music plays ]

Mandy: well, well, well.

If it isn't the
belle of the ball.

How's it going, grim?

Grim: oh, it's great.

Yeah, I want to thank you for

Renting me out as a chaperone.

It's not like I had a hot date

Tonight or anything.

What?

It could happen.

Gosh.

It would be nice to dance right

Now.
Billy: I'll dance with you,

Parvati.

Billy, you are my date!

Oh, e-excuse me.

Junior: trying to steal my

Girl, are you?
What?

Junior: [ roars ]

The nerve of some people.

Hmm... I don't like
the way that jerk

Is looking at you.

Back off, man!

She's mine!

You 2-timing floozy!

Mandy: junior, your jealousy

Is getting on my nerves.

Junior: it's not jealousy,
mandy.

It's possessiveness.

There is a difference.

Mandy: look...

How's about you go
get me some punch?

Junior: how do I know you

Won't try to escape?

Mandy: just get me some punch.

Junior: nobody touch mandy!

She's my property!

[ Dance music plays ]

Irwin: oh, hey, mandy.

Fancy meeting you here.

I guess you came with junior.

I came with some girl.

She's totally into me, yo.

Billy: shake it, girls!

Shake it!

Irwin: I mean, she's not you,
but who is?

Although I suppose if you had a

Clone, she'd be you.

And that's when I discovered

I make excellent eggplant

Parmesan.
You should come over and try it

Sometime.

Junior: excuse me,
principal goodvibes.

I have some business
to take care of.

Irwin: so, um, would you mind

A dance with me?

Junior: I turn my back for

One second,
and you try to steal my woman!

Irwin: she's not your woman!

She's my woman!

I made the valentine!

Junior: well, I was the one

Who had the nerve
to give it to her.

Irwin: well, I was the one

Who peed my pants
'cause I was so nervous!

Junior: she's the only
one who likes me.

I'm not gonna let
you take that away.

Irwin: try and punch me,
will you?

Let's see how you like it when I

Punch you in the face!

What's going on over... Aah!

My shirt!

Junior: I'll punch
you in the gut!

Irwin: try it, yo.

Junior: [ laughs evilly ]

Oh, yeah!

Oh, no!

Grim: huh?

[ Beeps ]

Stop it!

Stop it, the both of you!

Okay, continue.

All: aah!

Sperg: I'm melting!

Irwin: looks like we're all

Out of punch, yo.

Grim: okay, break it up.

Fight's over.

Junior: so, who gets mandy?

Mandy: nobody does.

See, I knew if I went with

Junior, he'd get bad dating

Advice from his dad.

Then irwin would get crazy

Jealous, and you two nerds would

Fight it out, eventually

Wrecking the whole dance.

Irwin: wow. She's good.

Junior: but why, mandy?

Mandy: if I can't enjoy

Valentine's day, no one gets to!

So long, suckers.

Junior: so... This is love.

[ Slow-tempo music plays ]

Huh?

Billy: surprise!!

Aaahhhh!

Billy: happy teacher
"asphyxiation" day,

Ms. Butterbean!

Billy... You... You were

Responsible for this?

Billy: yuh-oh.

This is probably the most

Clichéd, ill-conceived,

Disruptive, most thoughtful,

Generous gift I've ever

Received.
Billy: what you talkin'

About?!

I didn't think anyone cared.

This kind gesture is enough to

Make me drop my gruff,

Authoritative persona and turn a

New leaf, as a kinder, gentler

Ms. Butterbean,
thanks to you, billy...

Billy: [ laughs stupidly ]

And this apple, which I

Will now take a bite from

Without even
washing it or anything.

Billy: oh, my gosh!

I k*lled ms. Butterbean!

[ Gurgling ]

[ Choking ]

Billy: ms. Butterbean, I'm so
sorry!

[ Vomiting ]

Mandy: see what happens when

You do nice things for people,
billy?

They die.

Hey, kids, what's all the

Commo... Oh, my gosh!

This is an emergency!

Where the heck am I gonna find a

Substitute on such short notice?

Grim: [ coughing ]

All right, everyone, I'm looking

For a... Help me out here.

A ms. Eleanor "booter-bean"?

This her?

Mandy: you're too late, grim.

She's tragically returned to the

Land of the living.

[ Groans ]

My spleen is warm.

Grim: oh, great... False alarm.

See you later, kids!

Billy: hey, get back in that

Brain, hamster.

I'm not done thinking yet.

Wait!

Principal goodvibes, what if

Grim was our "sub-a-sib-a-tute"?

That way, we won't need to use

The inflatable teacher,
like last time.

Great idea!

Well, what do you say, grim?

I don't want to toot my own

Horn, but teachers do live a

Privileged lifestyle.

You'll get fresh doughnuts every

Morning... Limit one
per instructor...

A chance to park in the

Exclusive teachers' lot...

And we'll even start you at

Ms. Butterbean's
wages... $2 An hour.

All you have to do is keep these

Little delinquents... I mean

Kids... Under
control until 3:00.

If they act up, just send their

Butt to detention!

Grim: you mean to tell me

That if I take this job, all

These kids, including billy and

Mandy, have to do whatever I

Say, and if they don't, I can

Send them away to get punished?

And I get paid, too?

Yeah, pretty much.

Grim: when can I start?!

[ Students all talking ]

Settle down, kids.

I am your new instructor.

They call me mr. Grim.

And I will not tolerate any

Flim-flammery, shenanigans, or

Tomfoolery in the classroom.

All: aww!

Aye, no shenanigans,
no tomfoolery.

What a load of malarkey.

Grim: now, everybody, open

Your books to chapter 13, "the

Unabridged history of the

Textbook,"
and we'll... Sperg: no way, man.

You're just a sub.

You can't tell us what to do.

[ Coughing ]

Grim: listen up, kids.

See this?

This is my doom stick.

Aah!

Grim: now, if any one of you

Snot-nosed terrors so much as

Passes gas in my direction,
hee-yaa!

Sperg: what the... Aah!

Aahhh!

Grim: anyone else that wants

Some gets sent to the detention

Dimension, a nightmarish nether

Region where unruly children,

Like that smoke cloud you used

To call sperg, are condemned to

Classroom punishments that last

An eternity!

[ Laughs evilly ]

Any questions?

No? Good!

Now, children,
open your books to page...

[ No audio ]

Good morning, class.

Mandy: grim,
there's nobody here.

Grim: very observant, mandy.

You were always very smart.

That is why you should do well

On my pop quiz!

Mandy: what you talkin'
about, grim?

Grim: oh, it's simple.

Just trace this diagram on the

Board and read the inscription

From my copy of the "new jersey

Book of the dead."

I mean, if you can't do it, I

Guess I could just
fail you or something.

Mandy: just give me that,
you bonehead.

All it says is...

"Hayna, hayna, ikee,
wikee, wan, yay."

There. Do I pass?

[ Grunting ]

Grim: yes, mandy, you pass.

Oh, if you'd just listened to me

And studied last night, you'd

Know that the diagram you drew

Opens the portal to the

Detention dimension!

Mandy: you set me up.

You took the stupid job just so

You could finally
get rid of me and billy.

Grim: I know!

Pretty smart, eh?

Mandy: no!

This is the dumbest mistake

You'll ever make because now I

Hate you in a way I never knew

Was humanly possible.

Take a good,
long look at me, grim.

You won't see me again until the

Day I take your
world away from you.

Grim: [ groaning ]

Aah!

Oh!

[ Chuckling ] well, that was

Easier than I thought.

Awkward!

[ Thunder rumbles ]

Mandy: huh?

What is this place?

Sperg? Billy?

What's with everybody?

Billy: mandy, put your head

Down and be quiet.

She'll hear you!

[ Whimpers ]

Mandy: who will hear me?

The boy refers to me.

Greetings, scary girl.

Your deformities are exquisite.

Do you know what I am?

Mandy: yeah... Ugly all day.

Your gangly, adolescent

Attempt to be clever amuses me.

I am the one in charge of the

Detention dimension.

I do not have a formal name.

You will simply
call me ms. Slither.

Any disrespect will be met with

A severe degree
of unpleasantness.

That will conclude
my introduction.

Mandy: ms. Slither,
I don't belong here.

The grim reaper set me up by

Making me draw
this stupid diagram.

Silence!

Your excuse was so tedious, I

Almost slapped you.

Now is the time for punishment.

You, funny, egg-shaped child...

You will be punished for

Speaking during
eternal time-out.

I sentence you to the endless

Clapping of erasers.

Billy: [ laughs stupidly ]

Yay! This is fun!

Mandy: ms. Slither, you're

Going about it all wrong.

You need to be more cruel.

Your advice is not welcome!

Go on.

Mandy: you see,
billy is an idiot.

He will only understand the most

Extreme measures of punishment.

Exploit his physical weakness.

Turn the erasers
into heavy books.

Billy: [ laughs ]

[ Grunts ]

Mandy: now, since he's in

Front of the classroom, let's

Humiliate him by exposing his

Embarrassing undergarments.

Billy: aah!
No!

My "sassy cat" underpants!

My secret shame is exposed.

Oh, why?!

Brilliant... Truly disturbing.

Mandy: that's not all.

Here. Let me show you.

Oh, indulge me.

Billy: huh?

Aah!

Scary clowns!

They'll destroy us all!

Now to finish him off.

I am so full of anticipation

That my rattler has been sucked

Into my body cavity.

Billy: [ moans ]

What the... Sp... Sp...
Buh-buh-buh-buh...

Spiders!

Oh! Get them off!

[ Laughs ]

Scary girl,
your cruelty warms my heart.

I loathe you.

Now hand me back my... Hey!

Where did you go?

Mandy: over here.

auf wiedersehen, ms. Slither.

I can't say it was a pleasure,

Because it wasn't.

I'm out of here.

Hayna, hayna, jockomo feena nay.

Billy: but, mandy, aren't you

Going to rescue us?

Mandy: eh, I'll deal with

That in some other episode.

Grim: ahh, this is the life.

With billy and mandy out of the

Way,
I can finally start to relax.

Grim!

Great news!

You've done such a wonderful job

With the kids, I'd like to offer

You a full-time position.

Grim: oh, snap!

And I'll even start
you at $2.50 an hour.

How's that sound?

Grim: ya, man,
that sounds great.

M-m-m-mandy?

Mandy: I don't think he'll be

Taking that position.

Grim: b-b-b-but how?

H-hold on, now.

You can't hurt me.

I-i'm your teacher now.

Mandy: no, grim, you don't

Teach history anymore.

You history.

Grim: aaah!

Claire: so, honey, anything

Happen at school today?

Mandy: eh, the usual.

Billy: [ laughs stupidly ]

Isn't this fun, grim?

Grim: oh,
this is gonna be a long eternity.

Irwin: oh.

So, mandy, pretty sweet party or

What, right?

Mind if I steal a smooch,
my love?

Oh, mandy!