03x52 - The Legend of Burrito Monday

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ASTEROID READING)

Good afternoon and welcome
to Literary Classics.

I'm your host,
a talking asteroid.

Today's story is called

The Legend
of the Burrito Monday

by Mark Kregner.

Book, please.

(GRUNTS)

Luckily, I memorized it.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Our story begins
in present day,
Chicago, Illinois.

where the greedy old
billionaire, Elmer Scrooge,

is counting all his money.

One billion one,

one billion two.

I'm a billionaire.
(LAUGHS)

Mr. Scrooge.

Whoa! (GRUNTS, GROANS)

Bugs Cratchit.

How many times have I told you
to knock before coming in?

Several times.

Anyhow, here you go.

The latest figures from
your billion-dollar business.

Three billion and one dollars?

I was supposed to be
three billion and two dollars.

But it's just a dollar.

Maybe to you,
it's only a dollar,

but, to me,
it's one hundred cents.

I'm taking that dollar
from your pay check.

Now finish the rest
of this paper work,

and I'll see you
tomorrow morning.

But tomorrow
is a holiday, sir.

Well, what holiday?

Why it's Burrito Monday, sir.

Who thought that one up?

Some sort of cartoon
writer/producer?

Burrito Monday is the day
when everyone buys burritos

because they hate Mondays.

You need to celebrate
Burrito Monday, sir.

Enough of this nonsense!

You're gonna celebrate
Burrito Monday by working.

And don't touch my money.

Burrito Monday, bah.

I've never heard of anything
more ridiculous.

PUNKINHEAD:
♪ Deck the halls
For Burrito Monday

♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la
La tortillas ♪

Season's eatings, sir.

Do you have a dollar to spare
for people who can't afford

a decent burrito
on Burrito Monday?

No way. I don't celebrate
made up holidays,

and I don't like poor people.

Gross!

But it's not made up.
It's real.

Yeah, it was
on December 9th, 2002.

There was a giant snow storm

in the city
of Chicago, Illinois.

CURT: And no one
had nothing to eat.

It was the worst Monday
in the history of Mondays.

PUNKINHEAD: But, then,
at midnight,

a giant burrito done
floated over the city,

and everyone
took a pinch of it.

CURT: And it filled their
bellies with joy.

(BOTH MUNCHING)

Aww, you want
to know what would
fill me up with joy?

(LOUDLY) If you two would
get out of my face!

(WIND WHISTLING)

Those two and their
crazy stories.

Elmer Scrooge.

Huh? Oh!

Must be my imagination.

I'm all worked up

because of this
Burrito Monday nonsense.

(YAWNS)

A good night's sleep will
calm my frazzled nerves.

(SNORING)

Elmer Scrooge.

Who's there?
Show yourself.

It is I, the ghost
of Yosemite Sam.

Yosemite Sam?

My old business partner?
But you passed away years ago.

Of course, I did.
I just told you I was a ghost.

I don't believe in ghosts.

Oh, yeah?

How about now?

Boo!

Booga, booga, booga.

All right, all right,
I believe in ghosts.

What do you want, Sam?

I've come to give you
a warning.

If you don't change your
evil, greedy ways,

you will be doomed
to walk the Earth

covered in cilantro like me.

(GASPS) I hate cilantro.
It tastes like soap.

How do I avoid
this terrible fate?

Tonight, you are gonna
be visited

by the three spirits
of Burrito Monday.

They will show you
what you need to do.

(SCREAMS)

(CRASHES)

He's gone.
Was that real?

Oh, who am I kidding?

There's no such thing
as ghosts.

I'm going back to bed.

(YAWNS)

PORKY: Greetings,
Elmer Scrooge.

(SCREAMS, GROANS)

(STUTTERING)
I am the Ghost
of Burrito Monday Past.

Whose past?

Your past, Scrooge.
I'm gonna take you
back to your childhood.

To figure out what turned you
into such a (STUTTERS)
dirty meanie.

I'm not a meanie.
Now, get out of house.

- Ow!
- You need to worry less
about yourself,

and more about others.
Now, come along.
(BLOWS AIR)

Do you recognize this place?

Why, it's my old house.

And that's my old pet horse,
Apple Butter.

Oh, we would
eat the days away,

This time, I put extra
black beans in mine
and what not.

I made mine extra big
by using two tortillas.

Elmer, what do you
think you're doing?

Oh, uh, we were just,
uh, doing our chores.

You were eating Mexican food
with that horse again.

He's become
too much of a distraction.

He has to go.

Apple Butter!

Goodbye, Elmer,
I'll never forget you.

Oh, Apple Butter.

My father took him
to the Glue Factory.

He worked
for the rest of his life

as the assistant manager
of the food court.

I never saw him again.

(CRYING LOUDLY)

I'm sorry,

but I have to take
you to your next destin...
(STUTTERS)

Your next stop.

-(BLOWS AIR)
-(COUGHS)

Hello, Ghost
of Burrito Monday Past.

Where did you go?

EERIE VOICE:
Whoo, ooh, ooh.

Is that you, Spirit?

What do you want from me?

ASTEROID: Ooh, scary.

And also a good time
to take a break
and have a spot of tea.

(SLURPING)

-(SHATTERS)
-(GRUNTS)

We'll be right back.

Ooh, they started running
I gotta go, ta-ta.

Welcome back.

When we last saw Scrooge,
he was being confronted

by another spooky ghost.

Let's watch, shall we?

EERIE VOICE:
Whoo, ooh, ooh.

Is that you, Spirit?

EERIE VOICE:
Whoo, ooh, ooh.

Whoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!

Who are you?

I am the Ghost
of Burrito Monday Present.

I don't wanna talk
about Burrito Monday.

Don't you mean you
don't wanna guac about it?

Well, you don't have to.
(SNAPS FINGERS)

Because we're here.

- Where's here?
- Bugs Cratchit's house.

BIGFOOT: Come on, guys.

Any minute now,
Bugs and actor Sean Astin

will be here with a burrito.

♪ And a burrito in a pantry ♪

Hey, everyone, it's me,
actor Sean Astin.

The burrito is here!

ALL: Hurray!

- Oh, it's kinda small.
- Yeah.

Well, all I know

is this is the biggest burrito
I've ever seen.

Hey, Sean, why don't you do
some acting before we eat?

Oh, I don't know.

Yeah, I wanna eat.

All right,
you talked me into it.

This is from Shakespeare's
Twelfth Night.

(CLEARS THROAT)

"If music be the food of love,

"play..." (COUGHING)

Actor Sean Astin,
are you okay?

I'm just weak from
lack of food. (COUGHS)

Oh, no, actor Sean Astin
looks so ill.

Tell me, Spirit,
what will happen to him?

I see an upcoming movie

and no supporting actor
to play the lead's
best friend.

- Well, I gotta take off.
- Now?

I'm the Ghost
of Burrito Monday Present.

It's always now.

So long.
Whoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!

Wait, I'll raise Bugs' salary.

I'll make it right.

Elmer.

I'm the Ghost
of Burrito Monday Future.

Egads! What sort
of creature are you?

I'm a Martian.

I'm here to tell you
about your future.

Come with me.

Yeah, can you believe
the old man finally
kicked the bucket?

I thought he'd
never pass away.

What happened
to all his money?

No one knows.

I suppose he was hoping
to take it to
the grave with him.

(ALL LAUGHING)

We have to steal all
this old dead guy stuff

before they auction it off.

Nice work, Claud.

That ought to be
worth something.

- Ooh, I wanna see.
-(GROANING)

- Will you...
- No. Me!

You guys wanna see stars,
I'll show you stars.

(BOTH YELPING)

Does no one care
this man is dead?

Enough of this, Spirit!
Take me away from here!

(GRUNTS) This is
Bugs Cratchit's house.

BUGS: So everyone decided
to eat a burrito.

(CRYING) Everyone felt
the warmth of this
burrito miracle.

Sorry, guys.

It's just, usually
actor Sean Astin

tells the story
of Burrito Monday

I miss him so much.

(CRYING LOUDLY)

Where is actor Sean Astin?

(GASPS) Is he...

No. Worse.

"To be or not to be."

WOMAN: Can I get
a warm up on this coffee?

Of course, right away, ma'am.

He's doing dinner theater?

That's a fate
worse than death!

Speaking of which...

Why are we by this open grave?

Wait, I know.
It's mine, isn't it?

Well, yeah.

Tell me how I can
avoid this fate.

You know how to do it.
Now, get in there!

(SCREAMING)

Black beans and hot sauce?

No, please!

No, please!

Huh?

I'm alive!
I'm back in my room.

Maybe it's not too late.
(GRUNTS)

Hello, boy. Hello, girl.
What day is it today?

Why, it's Burrito Monday,
sir. (GRUNTS)

I didn't miss it!

Do you know Salsa Sam's
restaurant on Third Street?

We do, sir.

You know whether they
sold the prize burrito

that was hanging
in the window?

- Why, it's hanging there now.
-(GRUNTS)

ELMER: Go buy it and take it
to Bugs Cratchit's house.

You there!
I want to give you something.

Don't move.

(GRUNTS) This is
for all the poor people

who can't afford
a burrito today.

(LAUGHS)

I think that old man...

...done lost his mind.

I don't understand.

Who would send us
a giant burrito?

I don't know,
but I ain't complaining.

-(KNOCK ON DOOR)
- Come in.

-(THUDS)
-(WIND HOWLING)

Cratchit, you're
supposed to be at work.

I know, sir.
I was just about to leave.

Don't bother.

I'm tired of this behavior.

In fact, I'm so tired of it,

I'm going to have to
give you the day off.

What? I did not
see this coming.

Happy Burrito Monday, Bugs.

Not only am I gonna
raise your salary,

I'm also gonna help your
struggling extended family.

It's a Burrito Monday miracle!

No, actor Sean Astin,
you're the miracle.

Burrito, bless us everyone.

ALL: And salsa to you.

Happy Burrito Monday to all,
and to all a good bite.

(CHOMPING)

Well, that was very silly,
wasn't it?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)