01x07 - Terror at 20,000 Leagues

[bunniefuu]

Hi! I'm Patrick Star

and I live with my parents!

Ow!

This is my dad.

This is my mom!

(Chuckling)

This is my sister!

She's shy.

This is my grandpa!

This is my room!

And this

This is my show!

(Kid)

Candy!

Trick or treat!

(laughing)

(Hissing, screaming)

(Barking)

Hm!

(laughing)

(grunting, meowing)

Wait, is that right?

I think we're

out of toilet paper!

BUNNY:

Ooh! I'm the invisible mom.

Oh, my!

Okay, Patrick. It's show time.

Up and at 'em!

Oh, my Neptune! He's dead!

Dead tired!

Ah!

(Grunting)

(Humming)

(Sniffing)

(Moaning)

It's Halloween, Patrick!

You know what that means!

Candy!

(Shouting)

Huh?

KIDS: Trick or treat!

(Laughing)

(Crying)

Don't be sad, big bro.

We're going to take our audience

trick or treating

and get tons of candy!

But first,

you gotta start the show!

(Screaming)

Hi, everyone! Welcome to

my Halloween special!

Ooh!

Hey, weirdo. Lame costume.

It's not scary at all.

Oh, no?

Have a healthy Halloween.

Broccoli?

(Screaming)

(Chuckling)

The most important thing

about Halloween is the candy,

of course,

but how do you get that candy?

In a costume, duh!

Seriously,

how did you not know that?

(Whimpering)

To make a costume, all you need

is stuff from around your house.

(Whirring)

(Laughing)

This totally beats my princess

pony costume from last year.

(Chuckling)

Come here!

(Screaming)

(Both laughing)

(Groaning)

What is wrong with you?

Dry, itchy scalp?

What?

(Groaning)

No! Can't you two see that this

Halloween thing is all a ruse?

Oh, I like to stop

and smell the ruses.

Of course you do.

Last time I buy day-old brains.

Look! The candy, the costumes,

the happy children.

All lies!

Say it isn't so, master!

I shan't! Instead I'll tell you

about the spine-tingling terror

that is the real Halloween!

(Both whimpering)

Oh, Halloween is

a terrible night.

(Thunder crashing)

Disguised villagers lurk

around every corner.

(Grunting)

Waiting for their chance

to destroy my work,

ravage my lab,

and use my bathroom

without lighting a match!

Eh

Huh?

And they take your candy!

No!

BOTH:

Not our candy!

(Both crying)

Yes, now you see.

If we're going to

survive the night,

we shouldn't be dulling

our wits with droll drivel!

We should be sharpening our

senses with something scary.

Prepare yourselves for

horrors more terrible

than even your

darkest nightmares,

for Halloween is upon us.

(Laughing)

(Both whimpering)

(Puppies barking)

Huh?

Oops. Sorry. Wrong channel.

(Laughing)

(Crow squawking)

Oh, my. What a beautiful view!

If you don't mind

run-down eye sores.

(Grunting)

That's it! My house is a mess.

I can't live like this anymore.

(Grunting)

A little hard work

and elbow grease

will get my house ship shape.

Now, I just gotta find

a sucker to do it for me.

(Bunny humming)

Huh?!

A-doo-doo-doo rhymes with blue.

(Chuckling)

(Laughing)

(Roaring)

(Laughing)

Pardon, Bunny.

How goes the laundry?

Good! I'm just doing

the second coat now!

That's good.

Now mow my lawn.

(Munching)

I hope you do windows.

(Gasping)

(Laughing)

(Licking)

(Groaning)

(Grunting)

(Granny Tentacles grunting)

Whoa!

(Humming)

(Grunting)

(Grunting)

(Coughing)

Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Ah!

(Panting)

(Stammering)

(Stammering)

(Panting)

It's hard work getting other

people to do your hard work.

My tentacles are k*lling me.

Phew!

(Panting)

Oh, Patrick.

Would you be a dear

and rub my tootsies?

Not like you got a choice.

(Laughing)

(Grunting)

(Roaring)

(Screaming)

(Grunting)

My curse has been reversed!

I guess to control your mind,

you need a mind to control.

(Roaring)

(Screaming)

(Growling)

(Screaming)

(Grunting)

(Growling)

(Screaming)

(Grunting, screaming)

(Growling)

(Grunting)

(Screaming)

(Screaming)

(Roaring)

No! No, please! Not that!

Not a--

A spoon?

Well, that's just stupid.

A banana? That's even lamer.

There, now that's scary.

No! Not an axe! Stay away!

Huh?

Ooh, cookie!

Whoa!

(Sighing)

Thanks, Granny Tentacles.

Got any more?

Huh? Ooh!

No! Stay out of my pantry.

(Munching)

My voodoo dolls!

(Grunting)

Aw, hey!

(Munching)

(Grunting)

(Spitting)

(Munching)

Huh?

(All grumbling)

(Chuckling nervously)

Prune juice anyone?

It's got extra fibre.

(Grunting)

(Granny Tentacles groaning)

Oh, Granny Tentacles!

Bring me another lemonade,

would you?

I'll have another me cookie.

Coming right up.

Ooh!

(Slurping)

Along with my lunch.

(Screaming)

Howdy, I'm Famous Zed,

and if you're anything like me,

you are hungry for brains.

At Famous Zed's we've got

buckets of brains all for you.

Enjoy brain eating

at your own pace

with a visit to

our brain buffet.

(Sneezing)

(Groaning)

Or order fresh brains

right to your table.

(Moaning)

My brain!

So, remember, the next time

you've got a hankering

that only brains can satisfy,

mosey on down to

Famous Zed's Brain Buffet.

We'll have you eating brains

faster than you can say--

ALL:

Brains! Brains! Brains!

Oh, hey there!

(Laughing)

It's time for the best

part of Halloween.

We're going to get candy!

Now, follow us while

we lick your feet.

(Whispering)

Trick or treat.

Exactly!

(Knocking)

WOMAN:

Bubba Bass,

there's someone at the door.

I'm handling it, mother!

What do you want?

BOTH:

Trick or treat!

Ooh, I choose treat.

Huh?

Remove that hand if you

want to keep it, buster.

Now, give us some

Halloween candy.

The only holiday I celebrate is

the Shell City Comic Convention.

There's no candy for you here.

PATRICK:

Sure there is!

Hm?

(Munching)

It's kind of stale, though.

(Screaming)

My vintage Mermaid Man

and Barnacle Boy

collector's candy!

(Stammering)

Thousands of dollars of

corn syrup down the drain!

(Crying)

Oh, sorry. I'll give it back.

There!

(Crying)

So close to candy

I can almostst taste .

(Crying)

(Both laughing)

(Groaning)

(Knocking)

The villagers, master!

They found us!

Alright, SpongeMonster.

Go scare them off.

But why me?

Because you're the biggest

and you're a monster.

What, do I have to

paint you a picture?

Oh, yes. That would be helpful.

Fine. Patgor.

I'm just finishing, master.

(Laughing)

There. That's you, that's them,

and this is us cheering you on.

Now, make with the scary.

Ha-cha!

(Growling)

(Roaring)

KIDS:

Huh?

(Screaming)

(Whimpering)

I couldn't do it.

The villagers are too scary.

And they had a monster, too.

(All gasping)

Sweet, Neptune.

The ritualistic toilet

papering has already begun.

What do we do, master?

The only thing we can do.

Watch more TV

and hope they go away.

Oh, boy! Breakfast time!

Wake up, Captain Quasar!

It's time for breakfast.

(Groaning)

Stop!

One of these days, Patron,

I'm going to sell you for scrap!

Not until after breakfast!

(Laughing)

Ooh.

(Grunting)

Toast.

Ooh! Huh?

(Coffee pouring)

Coffee, eggs, and toast.

Just the way you like it.

And a bowl of

Logic Loops for me.

(Munching)

(Chattering, stammering)

Gads, Patron! What's the matter?

(Stammering)

Ow! My robo tum-tum.

What is in this garbage?

Let's see.

Logic Loops. Free prize inside.

Oh? What does this crank do?

(Music playing)

"Robo alien invader?

Warning, do not eat.

May k*ll entire crew?!"

Patron, wait! Don't turn that--

(Screeching)

Ow!

(Grunting)

(Screeching)

I'm a mommy!

(Chuckling)

That's not your baby, Patron.

That's a m*rder machine!

Don't be silly.

He's just a little hungry.

Oh, I'll make him a bottle.

Here.

Um, coochie coo?

(Screeching)

(Screaming)

(Groaning)

Now, now, baby.

No biting the captain.

Here's baby's baba.

Time for burpies.

(Burping)

(Gasping)

Is that acid?

(Screaming)

Oh, dear. I'll get a towel.

(Roaring)

(Screaming)

(Screaming)

Baby's first steps! Aww!

Look at him go.

(Screaming)

That's it!

I'm done with your nonsense.

Open the air lock.

We're flushing that

monster out into space!

My baby's not a monster!

He's a growing boy.

Look how big he's getting.

(Whimpering)

(Growling)

(Screaming)

Oh, no! My baby! You're safe.

Now I can shower you

with a mother's love.

Ow, ow! Stop!

I can't shower you if-- Ow!

Why won't you let me love you?

(Sighing)

I gotta get a new robot.

(Howling)

MADAME HAGFISH:

When the full moon rises

and the kelpbane rules,

werewolves rule the night,

but though fur appears

and comes out their ears,

they never should look a fright.

(Howling)

Huh!

How many times has

this happened to you?

You turn into a seawolf,

only to realize

you haven't had a trim

since the last full moon.

Only every month, but what am

I supposed to do about it?

I'll tell you, friend.

You head straight to

Madame Hagfish's

Were-Hair Boutique.

We'll give you a wash,

we'll give you a trim,

we'll paint your nails,

and perfume your tails.

We have

the latest flea shampoos,

and we never use

scissors made from silver.

So, come on down to

Madame Hagfish's

Were-Hair Boutique,

and let us transform you.

(Howling)

(Laughing)

Behold, master. Your new look.

You're so tall now.

(Groaning)

You fool!

You've given me the same

haircut as my ex-wife!

(Howling)

I'm sorry, master!

(Whimpering)

(Knocking)

The villagers, they're back.

We're doomed.

Quickly, Patgor,

battle stations!

Yes, master.

Boil up a cauldron of oatmeal.

Yes, master.

(Grunting)

(Grunting)

(Beeping)

(Grumbling)

Those are some weird

disguises for feudal villagers.

(Both chuckling)

Ah!

Okay, this is the last

house in the neighbourhood,

and our last chance

to get candy.

So, let's get it right.

Right!

(Both inhaling)

BOTH:

Trick or treat!

Trick? Treat?

Threaten me

and demand a bribe, will you?

Patgor, let 'er rip!

(Grunting)

Yes, master.

(Both groaning)

Meat-flavoured oatmeal!

Pull yourself together.

We didn't come here for oatmeal.

That candy will be ours.

ALL:

We did it! We did it! We did it!

(Knocking)

(All whimpering)

Hello?

Hello, I'm the gas guy.

I'm here to check your meter.

Whoa!

(Sighing)

Phew, well, it's about time.

The monster's been

extra gassy this week.

(Squidina groaning)

Here's his meter. I don't know.

See what you can do with it.

(Scoffing)

I think I know how to do my job.

(Grunting)

Come on. Where's that candy?

Eh?

(Gasping)

Ooh, score!

A jelly bean!

Candy? Gimme!

(Screaming)

(Both screaming)

(All screaming)

(All grunting)

Good work, SpongeMonster.

Now, give those

interlopers the old heave-h*!

(Roaring)

Hi, I'm Patrick.

(Both grunting)

(Grunting)

You can't kick me

out of your house!

I'm on basic cable!

Isn't there something else on?

(Whimpering)

Candy!

(Screaming)

Do something, master!

(Groaning)

(Grunting)

(Shouting)

♪

(Whimpering)

Uh-oh.

Candy?

And right here, just for us,

we're going to

paint a little candy.

♪

Uh-oh.

Candy!

So, Patrick, what'll it be?

Will you take this jar of candy,

or will you take

the mystery prize?

It's time to negotiate!

(Munching)

Nah, that's okay.

All I want is the candy.

See you later.

(Screaming)

(Grunting)

(Grunting)

Whoa, how did we get home?

I don't know,

but I got us candy!

Oh, boy! I'm going to eat

all the nut cracklers first.

Ooh, or the tropical

fruit fuzzies.

No ,wait, the coco dunkers.

(Both munching)

MONSTERS:

Trick or treat!

(Both screaming)

Gosh, do you think

we're doing this right?

We must be. We've gotten

candy from every kid tonight.

Maybe we should save some

for Patrick and Squidina.

BOTH:

Nah!

(Both laughing)

Whee!

(Munching)

(All whimpering)

(Bell tolling)

Midnight. We survived Halloween.

We're safe.

At least until

(Sleigh bells ringing)

Oh, no. It couldn't be!

It's too soon!

ANNOUNCER:

There's only 54

shopping days left!

Get your tree now!

(Knocking)

We wish you

a merry Christmas ♪

We wish you

a merry Christmas ♪

Patgor! Battle stations!

Boil up a cauldron of eggnog!

And a happy New Year ♪

PATGOR:

Yes, Master!

(Announcer laughing)

♪