01x01 - A First Time For Everything

[bunniefuu]

[whimsical music]

[electricity zapping]

[man screams]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath, sociopath ♪

[whimsical music]

Narrator: Kevin was on
his way to adult prison,

and he was scared.

Being locked in a cage
wasn't what frightened him,

since he'd already spent half his life

in and out of juvenile halls
and metal health facilities

because of his anger issues

and problems dealing with authority.

He was scared of the older convicts.

They looked pretty mean and
Kevin was intimidated by them.

Kevin had heard stories
from some of the ex-cons

he used to go drinking
with when he was 11.

That if people weren't
afraid of you in jail,

then they take advantage of you,

just like they did to his old man

whenever he was in the joint.

Kevin sure didn't like the sounds of that.

He figured he better
make the other inmates

afraid of him right quick.

The first thing the
lousy screws did to Kevin

was to make him and all
the other new prisoners

take off their clothes
and have a group shower.

Kevin got as far as taking off his shirt,

then he froze with self-conscious fear.

He didn't much like
the idea of being naked

in front of a bunch of other men,

because of what his father had taught him

about people like that.

Bible says h*m* is wrong.

Narrator: So instead
of taking off his pants,

Kevin rushed one of the guards,

and cranked him a real
sweet one in the kidney.

[guard grunts]

Kevin was hoping to put the boots to him,

but before he could lift his foot,

one of the other guards
hit him with his nightstick

right in the back of the head.

When Kevin came to, he was in a small room

with really soft walls
wearing just his underwear.

It was the room where they
kept the violent sociopaths.

Kevin knew this because it
looked just like the ones

in all the juvenile halls
and mental institutions

where he'd spent most of his teen years.

Kevin sure wished he'd had some smokes

and prescription cough
syrup to help pass the time,

but since he didn't,

he figured he might just
as well get some more rest.

Kevin curled up and went to sleep.

Kevin dreamed about smoking,

then he dreamed about
drinking cough syrup,

then he dreamed about smoking
and drinking cough syrup.

Then he dreamed about
what it would be like

to be 75 feet tall with
chainsaws instead of hands

that he could use to lop the
heads off all his betrayers.

[man screaming]

[dramatic music]

Kevin had this dream a lot
and that was his favorite,

because he was insane.

One of the conditions of Kevin's jail time

was that he visit the prison psychiatrist

three times a week.

Most prisoners only had to go once.

That's because most prisoners

were a lot more stable than Kevin.

Good morning, Kevin!

My name is Mr. Franklin
and I'm here to help you.

Narrator: Kevin wasn't
much in the mood for any help.

That's good, Kevin.

Expressing your emotion

is a positive issue oriented response.

In this office, you are free to express

whatever is on your mind.

There are no barriers and no judgements.

Narrator: Kevin liked
the idea of no barriers

and no judgements,

and he really like the idea

of expressing whatever was on his mind.

Unfortunately for Mr. Franklin,

Kevin had been thinking about

throwing his coffee mug at him.

[cup crashes]

It was a good thing for Mr. Franklin

that Kevin's dad had never
played catch with him,

or any other game for that matter.

I've studied the court
documents from your trial,

and despite what the judge,
the prosecution lawyers,

your parole officer, the teachers,

and students at your school,
and your parents said,

I don't think you are a
worthless, lost cause,

so let's talk about your parents.

What kind of people were they?

[table thuds]

Narrator: When Kevin's
dad, Percy Spencer, was 18,

he enlisted in the Army,

because he'd been arrested
for vagrancy so many times

that the judge told him
if he didn't get a job,

he was going to jail
for a good, long time.

Percy: Up yours, prick.

Narrator: The old man
wasn't much for working,

and he didn't have any job skills,

because he was an alcoholic,

and had quit school
halfway through grade six

when he turned 16.

The first day of boot
camp was really hard.

You are all worthless,
putrid pieces of scum

that I've been handed the sorry task

of trying to mold into men.

Most of you won't last,

and the ones that do are
going to hate me anyway!

Shut your hole.

I got a headache from drinking.

[foot thuds]
[Drill Sergeant screams]

Narrator: Percy still had a few things

to learn about Army life.

After he hit the Drill Sergeant,

they put him in a metal shed
out in the middle of a field

for six hours to try and
sweat some sense into him.

When the guards opened the door

to see if he'd learned his lesson,

he kicked one of them right in the crotch,

and ran towards the fence to escape.

But because Kevin's dad
had been a heavy smoker

since he was seven and a half years old,

he only made it halfway to the
fence before he had a stroke.

While he was recuperating in the hospital,

he broke into the medicine cabinet,

and stole a bunch of
Morphine and Percodan,

then he went AWOL,

sold the drugs to some teenagers,

and went on a three week drinking binge.

[whimsical music]

Percy had hoped the
binge would last longer,

but he ran out of money,

so he decided to go back to the Army base

to get a few good nights rest,

and to try and steal some more drugs.

I got no money, so eff off.

Narrator: The Drill Sergeant told him

he was being dishonorably discharged.

Those were pretty big
words for Kevin's old man,

and he didn't know what they meant,

but just in case they were a come on,

Percy punched the Drill
Sergeant square in the larynx,

just so people wouldn't
think he was fruity.

Then he went to the hospital barracks

and stole a bunch of
Codeine and sleeping pills.

That oughta learn the Army
a thing or two he thought.

[Percy laughing]

Anastasia Blunt had been
a rodeo clown groupie

ever since she lost her
virginity to one when she was 13.

She'd spent the last few years

following Large Mike's
Rodeo and Rope Trick caravan

across North America.

Large Mike wasn't a very good businessman,

and he was down to one clown.

One night the clown got really
whacked on 100 proof Tequila

and decided to tease the bull

a whole lot more than bulls like.

Hey, bull, you're a stupid goof!

[laughs] That ain't good thinking.

Narrator: Because he was so loaded,

Happy the Rodeo Clown
couldn't run worth a damn,

and the bull caught him and stuck his horn

right through Happy's spine.

Because the doctor said
Happy would never walk again,

and his days as a rodeo clown were over,

Anastasia found herself
without a whole lot to do.

Percy didn't like having to walk places,

especially since his heart attack.

[horn blowing]

But he was too poor to afford a car,

and even if he could,

he wouldn't be allowed to drive,

because of his 13 driving
while impaired charges,

and the forty-six hundred dollars he owed

in parking tickets.

Still, is was pretty hot out,

and Percy figured he was
a long way from any cops,

so he decided to steal
the next car he saw.

The chip wagon was the nicest
car Percy had ever been in,

and the man he'd stolen it
from had $27.00 in his pocket.

Percy thought there must be big money

in running a chip wagon

to have that kind of scratch lying around.

To celebrate his new found freedom,

he bought a big jug of wine,

ate a handful of the pills he had stolen,

and decided to see how fast
the chip wagon could go.

Percy wasn't as far away
from the cops as he thought.

Anastasia was stuck in
the middle of nowhere.

Large Mike had promised
to take her with him

if she slept with him,

but after he was done, he
just laughed and drove away.

[tires screeching]

Anastasia figured she'd
have the last laugh though,

because she'd stolen his
wallet out of his pants,

and because Happy had given her Syphilis.

Anastasia figured she'd
hitchhike to Nashville

and try and meet some more clowns.

That's when Percy drove passed.

Their eyes locked and it
was love at first sight.

Then a bunch of police
cars drove passed her.

Maybe it was just the
Codeine and wine talking,

but Percy was in love.

He decided to ask the woman to marry him.

You're so pretty,

you make a man wanna do it
regular with ya, you in?

I uh, got Syphilis.

Ah, who don't?

Anastasia: I'll wait for you, sugar,

and I'll see a doctor about my privates.

Don't forget the smoke!

Don't forget the smoke!

[siren wailing]

Narrator: It was Kevin's
second week in adult prison.

He was still pretty scared and nervous,

but he wasn't alone anymore,

because his dad had just been sentenced

to two years less a day
for public drunkenness,

and discharging a firearm
within the city limits,

and he was in a cell not far from Kevin's.

This here's my boy.

Boy, this here's your Uncle
Mike and your Uncle Frank.

Them guys is Frank's kids.

Them others belong to Mike and his wife,

even though he ain't but
fathered one of them.

Bootlegger fathered the others,

because me and the misses

ain't had jobs or money for drinking.

How long you in for, boy?

Narrator: Kevin told
his uncles and cousins

that he was doing 25 to life.

[prisoners laughing]

They all laughed at him,

because he had the longest sentence.

[prisoners laughing]

Then they took turns telling him

what they were gonna
do when they were free,

and he was still in jail.

It was a fun get together.

Kevin wanted the good times to continue,

but suddenly the exercise
yard went silent.

There was a new prisoner.

His name was Slappy Bigelow.

Most people already knew him,

because he'd only been
released two weeks earlier.

Slappy was the meanest man in prison,

and he liked to hurt
people and intimidate them,

so they would do things for him.

Kevin remembered what the
ex-cons had said to him

when he used to get loaded with them.

If people aren't afraid of you in prison,

then you'll be in big trouble.

Kevin figured he better lay down

some ground rules right quick,

so Slappy wouldn't get any ideas.

His cousin Louis never saw it coming.

[foot thudding]
[Louis screaming]

Kevin figured since his cousin
Louis now had a broken jaw,

he wouldn't be needing his smokes.

It was the middle of the summer,

and Percy Spencer was
being released from prison.

Percy and Kevin's mom had written letters

to each other almost every day,

which wasn't a big a
deal as it might seem,

because neither one of
them knew a lot of words,

so the letters were pretty short.

Kevin's dad got all his clothes back,

and the prison warden gave
him $50.00 release money.

I swear I ain't never going back.

My Syphilis is gone.

Mine too, you got any smokes?

Yeah.

Come on, it's time you
and me done some living.

Narrator: Percy
decided to spend his money

on the woman he loved

to thank her for all the
smokes and ill*gal liquor

she had brought him while he was in jail.

[Percy passes gas]

[Anastasia passes gas]



and pretty soon they were
down to their last $2.00.

Kevin's parents decided to spend
the money on Nevada tickets

aiming to win a nice little
chunk of pocket change,

but all the tickets were losers.

So instead of thinking about getting jobs,

Kevin's mom faked she was having a stroke,

and when the cashier went to help her,

Kevin's dad cleaned out the till,

and took a few packs of
smokes, some porno magazines,

and a hairbrush and compact
set for the woman he loved.

[whimsical music]

Anastasia: Oh yes, babe.

Oh, boy, you're amazing sweet daddy.

You're way better than at
least half the women I paid for.

Narrator: Kevin's
mom thought that Percy

was calling her a prost*tute,

so she cuffed him with
an empty bottle of wine,

and told him to get his useless
convict a*s out of her bed

before she phoned the
cops and turned him in

for ripping off the liquor store.

Percy didn't much like
being talked to like that,

and he aimed to straighten things out,

but before he could get to his feet.

Kevin's mom caught him with
a left hook to the kidney,

and a real sweet one right in the temple.

Percy was already dizzy
because he was loaded,

and the punches sure didn't help things.

He passed out cold.

[Anastasia crying]

When Percy woke up two hours later,

his head was in Kevin's mom's lap,

and she was crying really hard.

Mama's sorry, babe.

I promise I will never hit you again.

Mama loves you, sweet.

You're still my sugar, ain't you?

[burps] You got a smoke?

Narrator: After Percy cleared his head

and smoked a few more cigarettes,

he made love to the woman he loved.

Anastasia: Oh, baby, you're better

than any rodeo clown I've ever had.

Narrator: Then he stole
the neighbors pickup truck,

drove into town and ripped
off some more booze.

Kevin's dad was wrong when he said

he was never going back to prison.

Mama will wait for you, sugar.

Brings smokes.

I forgot to tell you
I ain't on the pill!

I ain't supporting no kids.

You tricked me, you effing temptress.

Narrator: Kevin's mom
didn't like being called names,

so she said that Percy

was a dumb, unemployed, son of a b*tch

who was too stupid to get
a job and support anything.

Percy told her to shut her hole,

and that there were plenty
of other women in the world

who would be happy to take
up with a man like him.

Kevin's mom laughed.

[Anastasia laughing]

Then she told the cops about
the cash and porno magazines,

so Percy would get a few extra months

tacked onto his sentence.

She figured that oughta teach
the moron a thing or two.

Don't forget the smokes!

I'm sorry, baby.

I love you [crying].

Don't take my baby!

Narrator: Kevin's mom was so upset

that she threw a bottle of rye

right through the back
window of the police cruiser.

She was sentenced to three months in jail

for obstruction of justice.

This really made Kevin's dad angry,

because now there was no
one to bring him smokes.

[whimsical music]

It was visiting day at prison
and Kevin's mom was excited,

because she hadn't seen
her son and husband

in almost a month.

She was supposed to visit every week,

but because of her drinking,

a lot of times she just forgot to go.

She had a fresh carton of smokes for Kevin

and one for his dad.

Uncle Mike and Uncle Frank's
wives were there too,

and almost all of their kids,

except for the ones who
were in different prisons.

It was the first time Kevin

had ever been to a family reunion,

and he thought it was really fun.

Kevin especially liked
the potato sack race

and the softball game.

Even though he struck out every time,

and his dad kept laughing and
calling him a useless idiot.

Why don't you hit the damn ball,

and quit embarrassing the
family, you stupid effing freak!

Narrator: That was the kind of thing

that would bother most kids,

but Kevin was pretty much used to it.

[g*n firing]

After lunch, the women broke open

the bottles of liquor they'd smuggled in,

and the men took out the bootleg booze

they'd made in prison.

Everyone got real good and loaded.

Kevin wished his mom had brought

the cough syrup he'd asked for,

but he was happy she just
remembered to come at all.

Who's my little cowboy?

Who's my cowboy?

You are, Kevin.

That's who, slugger.

You're Mama's little cowboy.

Oh, ah, Jesus, boy,

why'd you have to be
like your useless father?

Ah, Jesus, boy [crying].

Which one of you dumb son of
a b*tch convicts wanna dance?

Narrator: Uncle Mike's
wife had brought a tape deck.

She put in her new Best
of TV Theme Songs cassette

and started to dance.

Pretty soon, everybody joined in.

Kevin didn't really like dancing,

but he didn't wanna be left out.

Uncle Frank asked Kevin's mom to dance.

The first song was a fast
one, so that was okay.

Then a slow song came on,
and they started to kiss,

because they were both so drunk

that they figured that
no one would notice.

They were wrong.

It's showtime!

Narrator: Kevin's dad
jumped on Uncle Frank's back,

and they fell to the floor.

All of Kevin's relatives started to cheer.

He's got a gimp leg, Frank.

Kick him in the leg.

He's got a gimp leg.

Narrator: Pretty soon though,

it got kind of boring just standing there

watching Kevin's dad
and Uncle Frank fight,

so the rest of them decided
to get in on the action,

and let off some steam.

Kevin didn't really have
any reason to hit anyone,

but that wasn't the kind of thing

that had ever stopped him before.

He picked up a chair and
threw it as hard as he could.

Louis never saw it coming.

Kevin figured that since
Louis's jaw was rebroken,

he wouldn't have much use for
the smokes he was carrying,

or the money in his pocket.

Things had worked out
so well the first time,

that Kevin figured he'd
throw another chair

to see if he couldn't collect enough

for a whole carton of smokes.

He was itching to smack
his old man a good one,

but because he was still good
and buzzed on bootleg liquor,

he missed completely
and hit Johnnie Felson.

Johnny Felson was Slappy
Bigelow's best friend.

After the guards broke up all the fights,

they sent everyone home.

Kevin's mom said it was the nicest party

she'd been to in a long time,

and she cried when she left,

and promised to be back the
next week with more smokes.

Kevin could hardly wait.

I have to tell you, Kevin, I'm excited.

The more I discover of your childhood,

the more I am convinced that
beneath your troubled exterior

lies a young man crying out

for the loving embrace of a father figure.

Let me be that father
figure you never had.

Let me play catch with you and
teach you how to tie a tie.

I want to give you unconditional love.

Narrator: Kevin didn't
understand a lot of the big words,

but he pretended he did,

so Mr. Franklin wouldn't
think he was a moron.

Besides, thought Kevin,

it was a whole lot safer
in Mr. Franklin's office

now that Slappy was looking
to tear him a new one

for hitting his best
friend with the chair.

[dramatic music]

Kevin's mom was eight months
pregnant and it was a big day,

because her husband was getting paroled.

[mellow music]

Ain't got no money, so eff off!

[mellow music]

Anastasia: Oh yes, oh, oh yes.

You ain't lost your
touch, sugar [groaning].

You got any smokes?

[fist thudding]

I've been thinking.

Well, because of the extra
child support and me loving you,

we oughta get hitched.

I always knew you'd make
an honest woman out of me.

["Here Comes The Bride"]

You in, Percy?

I sure as hell, sweet effing am.

Ah, you're my angel
sent from heaven, baby.

So, how's about it, Anastasia?

You wanna unbastard your
upcoming bundle of joy?

I do.

Well, I'd tell you to kiss her,

but it looks like you already

got passed first base a long time ago.

Yeah, first date.

[water splashes]

Oh, Jesus, my water broke!

[siren wailing]

Narrator: Kevin's mom
rushed to the hospital,

and his dad went to the liquor store

to get a bottle for celebrating.

Then he stopped off to
buy some lottery tickets,

met a guy he knew from prison,

and went on a three day drinking binge.

By the time they met their father,

Kevin and his brother
were almost four days old.

Percy: We ain't got room for two.

Which one you wanna keep?

Kevin was my first born.

He'll always be special to me,

but he don't smile none or make no noise.

He just lies there staring straight ahead.

Narrator: Kevin's dad figured

that not smiling or doing anything

was a whole lot easier to look after

than a baby who wanted a lot of attention,

so they gave the other
one up for adoption.

[Anastasia crying]

Kevin's mom cried so hard

when they took the baby
away to it's new parents

that her gin and seven came out her nose

and put out her cigarette.

Kevin's dad decided they
should all go down to the mall

to get more lottery tickets

and have a real nice
family portrait taken.

[camera flash thudding]
[whimsical music]

Percy: Even then you could see

he weren't right in the head.

Narrator: It was the end

of Kevin's first month in adult prison,

and things were going pretty well so far.

The other prisoners pretty
much left him alone,

mostly because there
was a lot of publicity

surrounding Kevin's trial,

and just about everyone knew
he was sociopathically insane,

everyone except Slappy Bigelow.

Slappy was pretty sore at Kevin

for hitting his best friend
in the head with a chair,

and figured it was time for Kevin to learn

just who was boss.

Slappy was really giving it to Kevin.

Kevin's imaginary friend,
Allan the Magic Goose,

told Kevin that he shouldn't

let himself be pushed around like that.

Give him a good one, Kevin.

Narrator: Kevin really wanted

to slug Slappy right in the throat,

but Slappy was a whole
lot bigger than him.

Kevin figured he'd bide his time.

Later that day,

when all the other
prisoners of the cell block

were in the common room watching Baywatch,

Kevin snuck into Slappy's
cell and set it on fire.

Kevin figured that oughta learn

the ignorant prick a thing or two.

You are a genius, Kevin Spencer,

and now you must sleep.

Narrator: Maybe life in prison

wasn't going to be so bad after all,

at least wise not for me, thought Kevin.

[dramatic music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath, sociopath ♪

[dramatic music]