01x02 - Allen the Magic Goose

[bunniefuu]

[playful music]

[electricity zapping]

[lighter click]

[screaming]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[alarm ringing]
[sirens blaring]

[quirky piano music]

- [Narrator] "Jail wasn't
so bad," thought Kevin.

Especially since he spent
most days just sitting around

drinking prison-made booze and smoking,

which was pretty much all he did

when he wasn't in prison, anyway.

[buzzing]

It was Friday,

and that meant Kevin
had another appointment

with Mr. Franklin, the
prison psychiatrist.

[splat]

The guard came to get Kevin

and take him to Mr. Franklin's office.

Kevin didn't much like the looks of him

and figured it might be fun
to kick him in the sternum.

But the guard put shackles on his feet.

[jingling of chains]

"Guards were quick
learners," thought Kevin.

- I apologize for the shackles, Kevin.

But I'm afraid some of my colleagues

remain unenlightened as to the
nature of your mental health.

It's as if they expect
you're just going to

suddenly jump up and attack one of them.

Now, let's get right back
into our last session.

You were telling me about Allen.

[children laughing]

- [Narrator] Kevin was in grade five.

He didn't much care for school,

but his mom and dad made him go

because the government had
passed a law against truancy

that could send the parents to jail

if they didn't make their
kids didn't stay in school.

Most of all, Kevin hated gym class.

He wasn't very good at sports

because he smoked a pack a day

and because he was usually pretty cranked

on prescription cough syrup

and had trouble focusing on objects.

[gulping]

Kevin was always the last
one picked for every team.

One Monday morning Kevin
figured he'd had enough

and decided to skip gym class altogether.

Instead of going,

he hid between some cars in
the teachers' parking lot

and smoked.

[gulping]

Then he finished off the bottle of vodka

he'd stolen from his
neighbors liquor cabinet.

Pretty soon Kevin got bored.

He thought busting out the tail lights

and snapping off the aerials

on all the teachers cars might help.

[glass breaking]

Kevin had fun, but when he
was done, he was still bored.

Kevin thought maybe he
might just be lonely.

Then something strange happened.

- I am the God of Hillside,

driven to salvage my revenge
against all the pitiful souls

of those who have betrayed
the kingdom of Kevin.

Come on, let's set them cars on fire.

- [Narrator] Kevin was a little confused.

This was the first time any
of the things in his head

had ever talked to him.

Kevin wondered what the goose wanted.

- I have driven in servitude

as a soldier in the
army of glory vengeance,

retribution shall be ours,
said Allen the magic goose.

[funky jazz]

- [Narrator] Kevin had never
heard of a magic goose before.

And because it was all in his head,

he wondered if it was
just the booze talking.

- It ain't just the booze, master.

I'm your imaginary friend,

which means you're halfway crazy,

no matter which way you come at it.

I'm Allen, Allen the magic goose.

Now, how's about that fire?

- [Narrator] Kevin wasn't
sure if he liked the idea

of being crazy, but he
sure liked the fire idea.

[lighter click]

[expl*si*n]

[tense music]

Allen was Kevin's very first friend.

Kevin had always hoped for a real friend,

but none of the other kids his age

enjoyed the same things Kevin did.

Like drinking cough
syrup and hitting things.

Allen sure did, though.

Kevin decided he'd start
going back to gym class,

because Allen told him
that if he didn't stand up

to the other kids,

then he'd have to spend
the rest of his life

taking crap from people
like he was a worthless,

dumb piece of trash.

Just like his dad.

- All right, ladies.

It's doubles badminton
day, so pick a partner.

- [Narrator] No one wanted
to be Kevin's partner,

which was fine by him,

because he'd already
decided to play with Allen.

Mister Carson handed out
the badminton rackets.

He made a big joke in front of everyone

about giving a racket to
Kevin's imaginary friend.

[children giggle]

All the kids laughed.

- Fret not thyself because of evildoers,

neither be thou envious against
the workers of iniquity.

For they shall be cut down like the grass

and wither like the green herb.

- [Narrator] Kevin wasn't up on his psalms

and he didn't understand
a lot of the big words,

so he just stood there, paralyzed
with self-conscious fear.

Kevin sure wished he could just fit in.

But because he was genetically devoid

of the ability to tell right from wrong,

that wasn't real likely to happen.

- [Kid] Think fast, Spencer.

[thud]
[children laughing]

[mischievous piano music]

- [Narrator] That pretty much put an end

to wanting to fit in.

- [Allen] Let's you and
me get it on, crazy man.

- [Narrator] Kevin learned
a new lesson that day.

If you hit people with a badminton racket,

they stop teasing you, right quick.

Kevin also learned that the
gym teacher could pick him up

all the way off the ground with one hand.

Kevin figured some things

were more fun to learn than others.

[jaunty music]

The principal suspended Kevin for a week,

which was fine by Kevin,

because that opened up a lot
more time in his schedule

to do the fun things he enjoyed.

That night at midnight,

Kevin told his parents he
was going out for a while

but because they were
both already passed out

from playing caps, neither
one of them heard him.

Kevin figured this was for the best.

Because it also meant
they wouldn't hear him

going through their wallets
and the liquor cabinet.

Kevin snuck over to
the gym teacher's house

to see how many hands it
would take for Mr. Carson

to put out the garden shed
fire Kevin had started

to light his smoke.

- Superb.

[lighthearted music]

- [Narrator] Kevin was
in the exercise yard

looking at the pictures in
a true detective magazine,

because he'd never really
bothered to learn how to read.

Most of the other inmates
were lifting weights

or playing games, because
it helped to pass the time.

- Watch this, fellas.

Think fast, Spencer.

[thud]
[gasp]

[inmates laughing]

I remember when he used to
come home crying like a sissy,

'cause the kids at school
done that to him all the time.

[thud]

[inmates laughing]

- [Narrator] Dad didn't like being

shown up in front of his friends.

[dad burping]
He figured on giving his son

one damn, holy a*s whoopin'

just to straighten things out.

But before he could reach the boy,

the exercise yard suddenly fell silent.

Everyone turned to see what was going on.

[sultry music]

It was Pete Lefley Wilcox's first day

in maximum security prison.

He'd been arrested
quite a few other times,

but because he had multiple
personality disorder,

[kissing]
he usually served his sentence

in a facility for the criminally insane.

This time though, he'd
fooled the lawyers and judges

into thinking he was cured

so he could serve his time
in the same prison as Kevin.

Pete loved Kevin and had
been following him for years,

because he thought Kevin was the Messiah.

Any time Pete saw something

that he felt threatened his savior,

he tried to destroy it.

Kevin's dad remembered the day

he learned that lesson the hard way.

[mom laughing]

Slappy didn't know about Pete either.

[spits]
Slappy was still real upset

about having his prison cell set on fire

and he decided he'd knock some sense

into Kevin for wrecking his stuff.

- Release Pete.

- [Narrator] For someone who thought

he was an 18 year old exotic
dancer named Brandy Love,

Pete sure could throw a punch.
[thud]

Slappy was out cold
before he hit the ground.

[laughter]

Kevin's dad laughed so
hard, he wet his pants

which happened to him a lot

because the years of drinking
had pretty much destroyed

most of the control he had
over his bodily functions.

The guards came and took
Slappy to the prison hospital.

And then sent all of the other prisoners

back to their cells.

Everyone was pretty mad at
Pete for wrecking their fun,

but no one said anything

because Pete was so large
and violently insane.

Kevin liked having Pete around,

mostly because Pete would do

whatever Kevin and Allen told him to.

Which meant that Kevin would
never have to buy smokes again.

As soon as all the other prisoners

learned about Pete's devotion,

they started treating Kevin
a whole lot differently.

It was the first time in his life

that Kevin had ever been popular,

so he decided to exploit the power

and seize control of the
black market trade in prison.

Pretty soon, Kevin was making himself

a nice chunk of change.

This made Kevin's dad real happy.

He figured he'd get a cut
because he was family.

Kevin wasn't too keen
on the idea of sharing

his money and smokes, so later that night

he decided to introduce his dad

to one of Pete's other personalities.

Mistress Esmerelda.

- You're a real handsome man, Percy.

[whip cracks]

[bells tolling]

- [Narrator] Pete Wilcox
took a leave of absence

from Seminary school to
join the Vietnam w*r.

Because he felt it was the least he owed

to God and his country.

The w*r was real horrible and
Pete had a lot of difficulty

dealing with the senseless bloodletting

and the homesickness.
[screams]

[g*nf*re]

Pretty soon, Pete developed
several other personalities

because of the stress.

All the marijuana and LSD

probably had something to do with it too.

But try telling Pete that.

[yodeling]

[airplane engine roars]

When Pete came home from the w*r,

it seemed like most people
weren't too happy to see him.

- You m*rder*r.
- Baby k*ller.

- There will be no
tambourine song for you.

- [Narrator] Pete spent the next few years

drifting aimlessly around the country

with his bible and his fractured mind.

- And Paul said unto Jeremiah,

"You can't put your luggage there,

"because that's where Maurice
Chevalier keeps his waffles."

And then God smote them all about the head

just because he felt like it.

- [Narrator] One day,
Pete was going through

the women's lingerie rack of
a discount clothing store,

looking for an outfit for Brandy to wear

to an audition at a local strip joint,

[cameras clicking]

when he was spotted by a fashion designer.

The designer took one look at Pete

and offered him a contract to work

as a before picture model.
[cameras clicking]

A few weeks later,

the designer thought it
would be really funny

to put Pete in a real runway fashion show.

The paparazzi loved him and Vogue Magazine

declared him a breath of fresh air.

[funky music]

Pretty soon, Pete was in demand
as a high priced supermodel.

- Gorgeous, Pete.

More pout, more pout.
[camera clicking]

Petey's sad, such a sad boy.

Fabulous!

The camera's your lover, you
haven't seen her in months.

She comes closer.

"Make love to me, Pete.

"Now's the time you lay me down

"in tall grass and do your stuff."

- [Narrator] Pete didn't
much care for modeling,

but he sure liked having all that money.

A smart man could've invested what he made

and lived off it for the rest of his life.

But because Pete was crazy from the w*r

and hooked on weight loss pills,

he pretty much blew it all

by having his mobile home gold plated.

Then one day, the last thread

holding Pete's fragile
mind together snapped.

And his whole career came crashing down

like a cheap house of cards.

At first, Pete didn't much care.

But then he got to missing

the limelight of being a supermodel,

so he took the whole staff

of a JCPenney outlet hostage at gunpoint

and made them watch as he tried on

the entire Young Miss Spring line

and paraded up and down
the aisle of the store.

[g*nsh*t]

The judge and all the lawyers at his trial

agreed that Pete was mentally incompetent

and should be locked in an institution

for criminally insane, violent offenders

and put on a constant supply of lithium.

[thud]

[patients jeering]

- Anyone got a knife I can borrow?

Oh, a knife, okay. Come on, anyone?

Son of a b*tch.

Okay, how about some rope?
I'll make a deal with you.

Whoever gives me the rope, I
won't strangle you with it.

Not saying I won't strangle you,

just that I won't do it with the rope.

♪ I'm a little teapot, short and stout ♪

♪ Here is my handle, here is my spout ♪

♪ When you heat me up, you hear me shout ♪

♪ The metal plate in my head
is a really big computer chip ♪

♪ planted by the government ♪

♪ so they can monitor my dreams
and prevent me from assuming ♪

♪ my rightful place as the all knowing ♪

♪ commander of the Universe ♪

[teeth chattering]

- [Narrator] Pete was a little edgy

during his first week in the institution,

because his body was trying
to make the transition

from a dependency on diet pills
to a dependency on lithium.

One of his counselors
thought it might help

if Pete returned to his Seminary studies.

But because Pete was
too jacked up on lithium

to focus on the words,

one of the orderlies
read the Bible to him.

- "I am Alpha and Omega,
the beginning and the end,"

sayeth the Lord.

Which is and which was
and which is to come.

[angelic music]

The Almighty.

- Hi, Jesus Christ, I'm Pete.

Most of the time, anyway.

- [Narrator] Kevin was pretty sure

the big cross-dressing man
was even crazier than he was.

But because he seemed willing to do

whatever Kevin told him to,

Allen figured it was a pretty good deal.

[screams]

It was also right around that time

that Pete was diagnosed with narcolepsy.

Now that Slappy was laid
up, Allen commanded Kevin

to seize control of the
black market trade in prison.

Kevin had never been in
charge of anything before

and he was kind of nervous.

But Kevin found out right quick,

that people will do just
about anything you ask them to

if you're polite and have a
violent friend as big as Pete,

who will do whatever you tell him to

because his head doesn't work right

and he thinks you're Jesus Christ.

Allen told Kevin that from now on

he was calling all the shots.

[jaunty music]

- Name and who you're here to see, please?

- Anastasia Spencer, here to
see Percy and Kevin Spencer.

- Charlie Plunt, same.

- Sign here.

I'll have to check your purse, ma'am.

- [Anastasia] What for?

- Contraband, weapons, that type of thing.

You as well, sir.

Empty your pockets.

[items clattering]
[balloon deflating]

I'll have to keep this stuff here.

You can pick it up on your way out.

Have a nice day.

- That's it?
- All taken care of.

Next?

- Jeez, who's a lady gotta sleep with

to get a cavity search around here?

What a rip-off.
[breaking wind]

- Don't tell Kevin you gave me any smokes.

- Where's my boy?

You keepin' an eye on him
like I said, ain't ya?

I don't wanna see him falling
in with the wrong crowd.

He's still young.

He's still got his
whole life ahead of him.

- He ain't no good, that one.

His head's broken or something.

We should've kept the
other one and give him up.

- Hey, Percy.
- Charlie, you old dog.

How's it hanging?
- Not too shabby.

- You still putting all them
notches on your bedpost?

Or is old age slowing you down, some?

[sensual music]

- Well, you know, little
bit here, little bit there.

Adds up some, I guess.

How about you, you getting any?

- Look, I don't know what Kevin told you

about me and that freak, Pete.

- Kevin sent Mistress Esmerelda
for a visit, didn't he?

[chuckling]

- [Narrator] Mom and Charlie
thought this was really funny

and they spent a good,
long time laughing at dad.

- So, now that you're Pete's b*tch,

you gonna want a divorce?
[laughs]

- [Narrator] Kevin's old man
didn't like to be made fun of

and he aimed to fix the
problem, right quick.

But because he was still so sore,

he couldn't move very fast,

which was probably for the best.

Because Kevin and Pete had just walked in

and the old man wasn't in the market

for any more punishment.

- I hear you're doing real good, boy.

I always knew you'd make
something of yourself.

- [Narrator] Kevin and his
mom caught up on old times.

Dad was still real mad at
Kevin, so he didn't say a word.

Kevin didn't much care
for the silent treatment

and dad was really starting
to get on his nerves.

So he figured he'd bribe the warden

and get the old man paroled,

just to get him out of his
hair for a couple of months.

Which was pretty much as
long as the dumb b*stard

had ever been able to stay out of prison.

[tires screeching]

Kevin and his dad had
joined the Cub Scouts,

because the court had ordered the old man

to start taking better care of the boy

and doing more family oriented things.

The judge said if he didn't,

Kevin would be removed from his home

and placed in foster care.

- Where do we sign up?

- If Kevin goes, so does your
child support from welfare.

- [Narrator] The old man didn't like

the sounds of that too much,

because that was the money he'd set aside

for lottery tickets and lap dances.

- I hope everyone
remembered to be prepared.

[chuckles]
Just a little Cub scout humor.

I'd also like to take this opportunity

to welcome our newest father and son.

Hopefully they'll find
the cubbing experiences

rewarding as we all have.

This is Percy Spencer and
his little boy, Kevin.

- Daddy, the new man scares me.

- Oh, Mr. Spencer, I'm
afraid our canoe trip

is a no smoking voyage.

Only you can prevent forest fires.

All the rules were clearly
outlined in the pamphlet.

- I ain't never learned how to read.

[chuckles]
- Oh, that's too bad.

So anyway, there's going to be two dads

and two sons in each canoe.

We chose to draw numbers to
decide everyone's canoe buddies

for the first day.

So when I call your name,

go stand beside the canoe
number you're assigned to.

- [Narrator] None of the other
Cub Scouts or their fathers

wanted to be in the same
canoe as Kevin and his dad.

Eventually they drew straws

and Mr. Peterson and his son Gary, lost.

Things went pretty well
for about ten minutes,

then Kevin and his dad decided canoeing

was too damn much work

and kicked back to share a
bottle of gin and a smoke.

- Dad, Kevin and his dad aren't paddling.

And they're smoking, too.

- [Narrator] Mr. Peterson started to give

Kevin's dad a lecture.

The old man wasn't much in
a mood for a good talking to

so he hit Mr. Peterson in the
knee with his canoe paddle.

[thud]

Kevin's old man had really wanted to

bust him a sweet one across the head.

[laughter]

But he figured if Mr.
Peterson was knocked out,

then he'd have to paddle.

[screams]
Gary kind of let the whole

equal workload issue slide after that.

[gulping]

That night, they set up camp
on a beach beside the lake.

Mr. Peterson and Gary
set up the Spencer tent,

because they didn't want to get hit again.

Then everyone gathered around
the hibachi to cook dinner.

It looked like a lot of work

and since Kevin didn't much
care for that kind of thing,

he was real glad his dad had brought along

a bucket of chicken.

All the others stared at
them like they were idiots,

but no one said anything.

Because they all saw how bad
Mr. Peterson was limping.

After dinner,

everyone cleaned up their
plates and did the dishes.

Kevin and his dad were done first,

because all they had to do
was throw their empty bucket,

plastic cutlery and styrofoam
plates into the woods.

While they were waiting
for the others to finish,

they got real good and grilled
on the rest of their gin

and smoked half a pack
of unfiltered cigarettes.

When it got dark, the scout
leader started a campfire

by rubbing two sticks together.

Kevin's dad thought it was really funny.

- Why don't you use a
lighter, yappin' bonehead?

- Mr. Spencer, I'm going
to have to ask you again

to please watch your language
in front of the children.

- Hey, pal.

Unless you wanna be
walking like Mr. Peterson,

you'd best shut your hole.

- [Narrator] Once the fire was going,

everyone sat around roasting marshmallows

and taking turns telling scary stories.

[suspenseful music]

- And when she got out of the car,

she saw that her boyfriend
was hanging from a tree

and that the noise she
heard was his fingernails

scraping across the roof of the car.

- The police called

and told the woman that
they had traced the call

and it was coming from inside her house.

- That's nothing.

You wanna hear scary?

- [Narrator] Kevin's dad waited

until he had everyone's attention

and all you could hear were the crickets.

[crickets chirping]

Then he told everyone about

the first time he was arrested

and strip searched by a border guard.

- Well, that's it for tonight.

Goodnight, everybody.

- They ain't never gonna
learn if you don't tell them.

[bright music]

- [Narrator] The next
morning, Kevin and his dad

slept off their hangovers
while all the others packed.

When Kevin and his dad finally got up,

the scout leader told
them that he had decided

to cut the trip short and
that they were all going home.

Kevin was sad because it was the most fun

he had ever had in his life,

but the old man was real happy,

because if they hurried,

he could still make happy hour

at the Piece O' Tail Lap Dancing Emporium.

[sultry music]
[whistling]

[groaning]

[upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪