01x07 - Psychiatrist #1

[bunniefuu]

[bright music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[light music]

Narrator: Mr.Franklin,
the prison psychiatrist,

was on a six-month sabbatical.

He'd had a nervous breakdown,

because Kevin kept setting
his office on fire,

and throwing stuff at him.

Kevin thought it was
cool being able to hurt

someone's brain without using a tire iron.

He decided he'd try it more often.

[paper tearing]

Get the hell away
from my brother's book

you snot nosed little b*stard!

Narrator: Kevin was confused.

The new psychiatrist looked
just like Mr.Franklin,

but he didn't seem quite as liberal.

Kevin thought he'd do what he was told,

until he figured things out.

Which was probably going
to take a good long time,

because Kevin was the kind of kid who rode

the short school bus to class.

Kevin's brain was special,
in an Olympic kind of way.

[electrical buzzing]

My brother's in the
nut house because of you!

I'm his identical twin
in all ways but one.

I don't take crap from
dumb pricks like you!

Narrator: Kevin figured
he'd bide his time,

before he taught the new Mr.Franklin

that he didn't like being called names.

My brother says you k*lled your dog

when you were eight.

Big surprise, a twisted
freak obsessed with death!

Go on, tell me how you
got so hot on death.

Maybe that'll shed some light

on why you're such a
dysfunctional failure.

[somber music]

Ashes to ashes, and dust to dust.

You wanna step it up a bit, reverend?

I gotta take a leak so
bad, my teeth is swimmin'.

Me too, padre.

Narrator: Kevin's
great Aunt Betty had died.

Kevin had never met her,
because she lived far away.

And because she had restraining
orders against his parents,

preventing them from coming
within 500 feet of her.

Let us not remember Aunt Betty

for the self-inflicted g*nsh*t
wound which took her life,

but instead for her amazing
talent with an accordion.

Narrator: Kevin's parents had applied

for special permission from the courts,

so they could attend the funeral,

and see if they got anything in the will.

Lousy cheapskate screwed us!

Serves her right dyin'.

This funeral sucks.

Let's go.

Hold your horses, Tubby!

I ain't had enough free sandwiches.

Besides, this here's a real nice place.

Maybe Betty's gonna leave
us somethin' after all.

Hey boy, come here!

Go tell the effin knob who owns this house

that you gotta go to the john.

Get inside, grab as
much jewelry as you can,

meet us back at the punch bowl.

You think I'm tubby?

You could stand to lose a few!

[smack thudding]

Narrator: Kevin didn't mind being told

to rob the house since he was
planning on doing it anyway.

Besides, if he was the
one doing the stealing,

he figured he could keep
anything really valuable

for himself, and screw
his parents for their cut.

This'll loosen the arse-holes up some!

Good thinkin', Boise!

Let's get this party rollin'!

Narrator: Kevin was surprised

at how rich his relatives were.

They sure did have a lot
of precious heirlooms!

Then Kevin found something
even more precious,

Aunt Betty's medicine cabinet.

A rich person's medicine cabinet

is a candy store of pharmaceuticals,

and Kevin could sure tell that his aunt

must've had a lot of personal issues.

[chomping]

Kevin wondered why his family

had a lot less than his relatives.

Dad blamed the immigrants,
feminists, and h*m*,

but Kevin wasn't so sure.

Mostly because those were big words,

and he didn't have a real good
handle on what they meant.

Also, Aunt Betty's candy was kicking in.

Hurry up and get more
stuff, you junkie psychopath!

Narrator: Kevin didn't
like being called names.

Especially by his imaginary
friend, Alan the Magic Goose,

because that pretty much meant

that Kevin was calling himself names.

Thinking about how that could happen

on a meta-physical level
made Kevin's brain hurt.

Let it go moron,

you ain't got the smarts to figure it out.

Narrator: Kevin had it up
to his a*s with the goose.

When Alan first showed up,
Kevin thought it was cool

to always have someone around to talk to,

but Alan was wearing kind of thin,

and wasn't a cool delusion
like the Son of Sam's dog.

Kevin figured he'd show
the son of a b*tch Alan

a thing or two.

He decided to beat the
goose out of his head.

[fists thudding]

Is that the best you got, lunatic?

[fists thudding]
[lively music]

I don't think so, you
alcoholic little delinquent!

[piano decrescendos]

[intense piano music]

[bells tinkling]

Jesus, you a dumb boy!

Hey, here's an idea.

Why don't you get your old
man's g*n and sh**t me out?

What do you think of that, genius?

Narrator: Kevin was
peaking on prescriptions

and suffering a mild concussion.

It was a pretty good buzz.

He decided he'd just
have to live with Alan,

and went to get the jewelry

and finish cleaning out the bedrooms.

You guys sure you don't want no liquor?

I hardly think this is the
time, or place to get drunk.



Come on, let's chug one for Betty.

Don't even say her name, Percy.

We all saw you digging through her pockets

during the viewing of the deceased.

Why don't you and
your family just go home?

Yeah, well why don't you and
your family kiss my fat a*s?

You're acting like this
is a party, Betty is dead.

All of us are trying to
come to terms with that,

and then you and your brood show up,

and ruin it for everyone.

Buffet's open, boys!

Yeehaw!

Good one, ma!

Get 'em a hair pie for dessert.

Yeehaw!

Oh, Jesus!

Look out, she's goin' down!

She's goin' down.

[Dad laughing]

What in God's name are you doing?

Run psycho, run!

[video game music]

Narrator: After about 10 minutes,

it occurred to Kevin that
there was only one door,

and he wasn't going to
be able to run away.

I want you out of here!

I want you, your thieving
little brat of a son,

and your fat, drunk wife out of here!

Come again, arse-hole?

You're in for it now.

You don't scare me!

What did you call me?

A fat alcoholic.

[man screaming]

You kicked him like
a bad habit, sweetie.

You're the only bad
habit I can't kick, sweetie.

Come on, boys.

I can tell when we're not wanted.

[lighthearted music]

Narrator: Kevin was confused.

On T.V. people always cried at funerals

because they were sad.

It was strange because
Aunt Betty's funeral

was the most fun he had in years.

Especially because no one
found the big diamond ring

he'd hidden in his pocket.

[Upbeat music]

Welcome to the show.

I'd like to introduce my guests.

On the left, is Donald.

Hi!

Shut your hole, you son of a b*tch!

[g*nsh*t bangs]

[audience cheering]

That was a good episode!

Get in the car!

No time to pack!

Gotta go, now!

What'd you do this time?

Why is there blood and teeth
all over the upholstery?

Whose artificial arm is
stuck to the passenger door?

I just figured we needed a vacation

on account of working so hard.

We ain't got no money for no vacation.

We got $50,000 is what we got!

Holy Jesus!

You didn't do nothin' ill*gal did you?

I found it.
In a daring daylight robbery

An unidentified assailant robbed
a local bookie of $50,000.

Eat your dinner, boy.

[glass crashing]

[laughing] Made you look.

Where the hell is we goin', anyhow?

I don't Christly know.

I didn't plan too much so
excited just gettin' goin'.

Hey, let's go to Vegas!

Can't.

I got warrants out in Nevada.

Atlantic City?

I got warrants.

Daytona Beach?

You got warrants.

Oh, yeah.

Narrator: Kevin asked his parents

if they could go to Rat Land.

The kids at school said it was really fun.

[lighthearted music]

[parents laughing]

Sorry, boy.

Me and your old man got a lifetime ban.

Last time we were there,
we got pretty tanked,

and had a run in with the rodent.

He'd come onto me so I worked him.

I kicked the suspenders right
off that four-fingered freak.

Narrator: As vacations
go, Kevin thought this sucked

and proceeded to vomit with
disapproval and motion sickness.

[tires screeching]

[sad music]

It don't look open.

Then we'll open it.

I promised my boy a pony ride,

and I'll be damned if
he ain't gettin' one.

Narrator: Scurvy Taylor
was the rubber band man

working at the freak show.

He'd been napping when
Percy crashed the gate.

What the?

You must be the new acts.

I'm Scurvy the Rubber Man!

Oh can you bend everything like that?

You must be new to the Side Show.

What's your talent?

Pull my finger.

No time for that!

I promised my boy a pony ride,
and I'll be a son of a b*tch

if that ain't what he's gonna get!

That ain't a horse!

It's close enough for the boy.

Go stupid cow!

It ain't goin.

I got eyes fatty.

Poke it with somethin'.

Get goin' you stupid horse!

It's a cow!

Put a lid on it!

I'm pretending for the boy.

I need something better to poke it with.

[angry moo]

Narrator: The old man
was knocked out cold.

Kevin's mom laughed so hard,

she started to hyperventilate
and passed out.

Scurvy took the suitcase with the $50,000.

Kevin didn't wanna see
Mr.Franklin's brother,

so he decided to go into
hiding and try and avoid him,

but because Kevin was in
a 10 by 12 concrete cell

with nothing in it but a cot,

the whole hiding thing didn't work out

quite as well as he had hoped.

Where you takin' the freak?

To see Franklin's brother
about making some sense

out of his defective head.

It's like putting a
band-aid on a g*nsh*t wound.

[guards laughing]

Narrator: Time was
running out so Kevin figured

he'd better come up with a plan real quick

so he wouldn't have to go
see Mr.Franlkin's brother.

[dramatic music]

Kevin's parole officer,
the family court judge,

and the school board in a
four to three vote decided

to let Kevin back into
school on the condition

that he abstain from drinking

and try to get involved
in school activities.

Everyone thought this
would help Kevin develop

better people skills and
mainstream him back into society.

Kevin decided he'd join the choir,

because all you had to do was stand around

and pretend to sing.

Welcome, everyone I
hope you're all as excited

as I am about what will be God-willing

our most successful choir season ever!

Now how does that make everyone feel?

[students cheering]

We do it for the love of
music but more importantly

because well you do need
this credit to graduate.

Kevin!

What were you told about smoking?

Narrator: Watching
the other kids warm up

would have made Kevin
laugh if he'd been born

with the ability to feel
and express emotions.

Since he wasn't, the sounds pretty much

just got on his nerves.

Especially the ones coming
out of Jimmy Thompson's mouth.

Kevin was about to straighten that out,

when the choir director called
for everyone's attention.

It occurred to Kevin that
just because you can't do

something right away, doesn't
mean you can't do it at all.

That made Kevin feel happier.

[choir singing]

Wonderful!

I feel like I've died and gone to heaven

with my little angels!

If the soloists sound
half as good as that,

then I think we've really got a good shot

at winning the All City Choir Competition!

And really sticking it to
those ignorant b*stards

from St. Josephs academy.

Righty h*, we'll audition the soloists

in alphabetical order
beginning with Donna Bertram.

♪ I vow to thee my country ♪

♪ I vow to thee my country ♪

Narrator: It was going to be a while

before they got to the S's,
and Kevin was pretty nervous

so he figured he'd sneak backstage
and cure his stage fright

with some cough syrup.

[audience cheering]

Announcer: Ladies and
gentlemen, Hack-Away Cough Syrup,

and Rabid Dog Cigarettes proudly
presents an international

recording event, the Kevin
Spencer Jazz Apocalypse!

Featuring on drums Pete Lefty Wilcox!

[fast paced drumming]

On the guitar, Alan the Magic Goose!

[rock guitar music]

On bass guitar, a fire breathing demon

that is a manifestation of
Kevin's rage at the world.

And now put your hands together

and welcome Kevin Spencer!

Spencer?

Spencer!

[dreamy music]

Spencer!

Kevin Spencer?

Where the hell is that little sociopath?

[ominous music]

Narrator: Kevin was scared.

He'd never tried to sing before,

especially in front of other people.

He was as nervous as his first
time showering in prison.

Part of him wanted to run away,

but the part of him that
wanted to be popular

and fit in told him to go for it.

I'm waiting.

♪ I vow to thee my country ♪

♪ All earthly things above ♪

♪ Entire and whole and perfect ♪

♪ The service of my love ♪

[gentle music]

Kevin how did you
learn to sing like that?

Narrator: Kevin tried to remember

when he'd ever made such beautiful sounds.

[crunching]

[singing high note]

[foot smacking]

[singing high note]

[zipper zips]

[singing high note]

Everyone say hello
to the star of our show!

Narrator: That night at dinner,

Kevin told his parents about the choir

and how excited he was.

And how all the other kids were impressed,

and how some of them
even told him he was good

and talked to him and everything.

The contest was coming up in a few days,

and Kevin wanted to know
if his parents would come.

My boy's gonna be a famous singer star

just like Babe Ruth!

You get good pay for that?

Mom: Ain't it enough the boy

finally found somethin' he don't suck at?

Not suckin' don't
buy no booze and smokes.

You getting paid boy?

Narrator: The night
before the competition,

Kevin lay in bed and dreamed
about being the best singer

there and winning first
place for his school.

Then he dreamed about what
it would be like to have eyes

that could sh**t laser beams
and make things explode.

Then he dreamed about all
the things in his life

that he thought could do
with a good blowing up.

[orchestra tuning]

Okay children, let's all
take a deep breath and relax.

Focus on the job at hand,
and be the best you can be.

Kevin how are you feeling?

Perfect!

We've got a few more minutes

let's all review our lyric
sheets and our song order

so when we get on stage we
can really put the screws

to those stupid ugly
b*stard kids from St. Joe's.

It's only a hymn singing competition,

they're just kids!

Shut your son of a b*tch
trap or I'll kick your face in!

[kids crying]

[audience applauding]

That was the St.Joseph's academy.

They sing so beautiful you hardly suspect

it's a school for special kids!

Anywho next on our list of competitors

is the boys and girls choir
of P.W. Carney public school

with featured soloist, Kevin Spencer!

Okay kids gather round, focus on me,

forget about the audience.

Remember your cues and
let's kick some a*s!

♪ Where is the sunshine ♪

♪ First in the blue light ♪

♪ There is a-- ♪

Narrator: Kevin was
really happy and having fun.

Even though he was so nervous,

and he felt a little bit
like he did when he woke up

after a long night of
drinking cough syrup.

Kevin couldn't help taking
a peek at the audience

just to see if his parents were there.

The two seats he'd reserved
for them were empty.

Maybe they weren't gonna come after all.

Part of Kevin was sad,

but a bigger part of him
figured it'd probably

be for the best since they'd
been drinking since morning.

Thank you!

Thank you very much!

Our next song will feature
soloist Kevin Spencer

singing the selection-

[crashing]

Percy: Watch where you're goin', fatty!

[crash]

Ow my head!

Hey boy we're late 'cause I couldn't

use these tiny grade school toilets.

Would you please sit down and be quiet?

This is a public school choir
recital for God's sakes,

not a c*ck fight.

We couldn't find no parkin', fatty.

As I was saying, the next selection

will highlight our featured
soloist, Kevin Spencer.

♪ I vow to thee♪
[coughing]

Jesus boy you sound like a fruit!

[Mom laughing]

I think I pissed my pants!

[both laughing and coughing]

Narrator: Kevin was pretty upset.

He really wanted to take
a poke at his old man

for embarrassing him in front of everyone

but since his dad was so far away,

he figured it'd just be easier
to crank the kid beside him.

[Kid gasps]

Work 'em boy!

Work 'em!

[discordant piano music]
[thumping]

[upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪