01x10 - Ward of the State

[bunniefuu]

[bouncy intro music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Narrator: Kevin was
real irritable lately.

Because he'd been in the joint so long,

he was feeling out of touch with life.

Kevin missed the intoxicating
smell of a bag of solvents

and the pretty banging noise that happened

when he smashed parking
meters with a tire iron.

Kevin was in a rut, and
it was starting to show.

Frankly Kevin, I'm growing concerned.

I thought we'd be making progress,

but lately you've been very withdrawn.

Can't you try to open
up and let me help you?

Narrator: Kevin tried opening up

with a volley of stationery supplies.

Therapist: I'm sorry Kevin,

but until we make some
kind of breakthrough,

your violent temper has made it necessary

for me to send you to...

[dramatic scary music]

Narrator: Kevin had heard
rumors and he was frightened.

Ward 5 hadn't always been a hospital.

For a long time, it had
been a convent and a prison.

No one liked to talk about the

mysteriously large platform
with the hole in the middle

that was in the courtyard,

or the phony wall in the basement

where the nuns used to hide
their illegitimate children.

Ward 5 was the ward where they sent you

[whip cracking and screaming]

if you were completely untreatable.

It took up the whole third floor.

Spencer, word is they're
sending your kid to Ward 5.

Ward 5?

Way to embarrass the family,
ya f-in little b*stard.

They're gonna make short work of him.

They're gonna k*ll ya boy!

Narrator: The guards
took Kevin onto an elevator

and put tape around his hands.

That's so you don't hurt yourself.

Narrator: Kevin hadn't been
planning on hurting himself

and didn't think he could do much damage

with his fingers anyway, at least

not as much damage as he could

with his hands taped up like this.

Boy, this one's worse than his old man.

Narrator: While he was unconscious,

Kevin dreamed about his
friend, Alan the magic goose.

[magic-sounding music]

You're losing your touch, idiot boy.

You weren't even watching your back.

Now Alan's got some stuff to do,

so get back to your
twisted version of reality.

[magic-sounding music]

Narrator: When Kevin woke up,

he didn't much like what he saw.

[people screaming]

The place made the regular mental ward

look like a field trip to the library.

There was a guy chewing
through his own arm,

another guy urinating on his own bed,

and there was even another
guy trying to build an ark

so he wouldn't die with
all the other crazy people

who were going to burn in hell.

[people screaming]

Finally Kevin found a quiet corner

where he could get as much of
his head together as possible,

given his incomplete genetic makeup.

Kevin didn't much like the thought

of spending the rest of
his life in a nuthouse

until he died a miserable
and lonely death.

He was even more scared

because he heard that people in Ward 5

couldn't have visitors.

That meant his mom wouldn't
be able to smuggle him

contraband cough syrup and smokes.

[train whistling]

Kevin was walking home from
his probation officers'

and decided to take a shortcut
along the railway track.

As he came around the corner,

he found something that looked familiar.

It was the shattered remains of Gus Jones,

another kid in his class.

Gus had been run over by the 1:00 express.

Kevin felt kind of weird about this,

because he'd just seen Gus
earlier that day in math class.

If a train leaves
the station at 8:00 a.m.

at 100 miles per hour,

and the conductor eats a
bran cereal at 7:30 a.m.,

what will the conductor's
relative speed be

if he is running 30 miles
per hour to the washroom

at the back of the train?

Miss Killborne, my parents
say learning math is satanic.

Very well then, on your way.

[jazzy music playing]

Narrator: The last time anyone saw Gus,

he was headed towards the railway tracks

wearing his CD player and headset.

Hey, it's a recording of
all my favorite train sounds.

Woo woo!

[train clicking]

[sad music playing]

Narrator: There wasn't
much left of Gus now,

but by a stroke of luck, the CD player was

still in pawnable condition.

Kevin was always looking
for something to take

to the local pawn shop,

like the stop sign outside
the retirement home,

and Uncle Mike's dialysis machine.

He figured the CD player oughta

put him ahead a few hundred bucks.

Kevin waited as Al haggled
with another customer.

How can you call
this a family pawn shop,

with all these weapons and p*rn*graphy?

Hey, the Mansons were
a family, weren't they?

Listen Father, either you're buying

the inflatable c*ck
waitress or you're not.

I don't know, I was
gonna use this money

to buy new fire
extinguishers for the church,

but she's an awfully pretty girl.

It's a deal!

So like, I'd like to
sell these w*r medals, okay?

Are they stolen?

No way, dude.

I was like, totally, a veteran of the

Franco-Prussian w*r.

Narrator: Then it was Kevin's turn,

and he showed Al the CD player.

Is it stolen?

Narrator: Kevin was
pretty proud of himself,

because this was the first
thing he'd ever pawned

that wasn't stolen.

He told the man that he found it beside

the horribly dismembered corpse
of one of his classmates.

Cool, I'll give you 70 bucks.

Narrator: Kevin figured
he was being ripped off,

but he wanted the money,
so he took the 70 bucks

and went to the drugstore.

Kevin wasn't used to having
that much scratch lying around,

so he decided to celebrate

by buying a Texas mickey of lemon gin

and two cartons of smokes
and a three day bender.

Then he went to the zoo.

The zoo was closed, but that
wasn't the kind of thing

that got in Kevin's way.

At first he thought the
smell would be a problem,

but the monkeys didn't
seem too bothered by it.

A few days later, the police
raided Al's pawn shop.

[dramatic music]

You are under arrest
for knowingly selling

stolen merchandise.

Damn you 60 Minutes,
and damn you Mike Wallace.

Narrator: When the police traced

the serial number on the CD player,

they soon found out it
belonged to Gus Jones,

the boy who had been reported missing.

I bought it from that
little freak Kevin Spencer.

You guys have his address.

[police sirens]

Narrator: When the cops
arrived at Kevin's house,

Percy was already in a bad mood

because he'd run out of matches

and got his head stuck in the toaster oven

trying to light a smoke,

so he aimed a deal with the
uninvited guests right quick.

I was at the movies all night.

I don't know nothing about
no liquor store robbery.

We'll come back for
that tomorrow night.

Now, we understand you might be involved

in the disappearance of a missing boy.

Narrator: Percy didn't know
what they were talking about,

but since he'd had so many blackouts,

he figured he'd better play it safe.

So he bounced a beer
bottle off the cop's head

and slammed the doorknob into his groin.

[electrical groaning sound]

Kevin was walking off the
tail end of his bender

and thinking about all
the things in his life

that made him happy.

The way cold tiles feel against your face

after passing out in a public washroom.

Or the way his mother
drooled nostalgically

when she saw clowns giving away
balloons at the gas station.

But the thing that made Kevin the happiest

was coming home to find the police

beating the old man on the lawn.

Use the mace on him, it's so cute

the way it makes his face crinkle.

Hey you stupid pigs,
there's Kevin Spencer,

the kid I bought the CD player from.

Narrator: Kevin led the
police to the boy's body,

which had been picked clean
by vultures and vermin.

After he told the police what happened,

they notified the boy's parents.

[sad music]

Cheer up, a train k*lled your boy.

At least I ain't gotta go back to jail.

A happy ending.

Hey give me a lift back to town, will ya?

Narrator: It was a full day for Kevin,

so he and the old man headed off to catch

last call at the strip club,

and walked away in the dying
light of a burned-down church.

Because Kevin was so
violent, he'd been placed

in Ward 5 of the mental hospital.

Kevin wasn't too happy about it.

He wasn't afraid of the other patients,

but because they were
all violent lunatics,

he didn't feel special anymore.

Hey kid, my name's Bull.

I used to sh**t heroin but then

I got in a car accident and I lost my arm.

So then I didn't have an arm
anymore to inject heroin into

so I had to use my legs.

But then I got gangrene
and I lost them too.

Narrator: Kevin
wasn't really in the mood

to listen to some old
junkie pissing and moaning

about his problems, but
because his hands were taped,

he couldn't even give him the finger.

I have a plan that'll
get us out of here,

but it's risky.

You afraid of dying, kid?

Narrator: It was Percy
Spencer's favorite day,

government check day.

The old man's benefits
had run out long ago,

and even the welfare department
refused to pay him anymore.

But just because the government
stopped sending checks,

it didn't mean Kevin and the old man

couldn't lay their hands on a few.

Give me the coat hanger boy.

Narrator: Kevin and his dad thought

this was the best job in the world,

because you got paid every few minutes.

Gum.

[bubble pops]

[sneaky music]

You try the next house.

[sneaky music]

Narrator: The system wasn't perfect,

and sometimes they'd sneak the wire

into the house of someone
who was still at home.

[glass shatters]

After awhile, Kevin got
bored and told the old man

they should head to the
cash mart and get the money.

Just one more.

[zapping sound]

Narrator: Suddenly the
old man felt 10,000 volts

charge through his body,

and he lost control of
all his bodily functions,

just like last summer's corn roast picnic.

Then Percy found himself
looking down at his own body.

He was having an out-of-body experience,

floating in a bizarre netherworld.

It was the most frightening
thing he'd ever experienced

since the time he was on
a Greyhound bus toilet

when it hit a pothole.

Baby, you've been in
a coma for three months,

but don't worry, I saved your beer,

it was only half-finished.

Narrator: Kevin's old man
hadn't been sober in 25 years.

Now without meaning to,
he'd spent three months

without being cranked
up on booze or drugs.

That's strange, I seem to be

starting and ending sentences,

and my short-term memory's back.

And you've lost weight.

You're as sexy as Henry Winkler.

Narrator: Kevin had never seen his dad

sober and not smoking,

but he was still kind of
wary of the whole thing.

I've wasted years.

[liquid splashing]

Geez Louise, quit wasting it idiot!

You ain't the only one
with a drinking problem!

You're not thinking straight.

Your whole family's been
alcoholics for generations.

It's a tradition.

Narrator: Being clean
and sober was starting

to cause the old man lots of grief,

and that was fine with him.

Couldn't help but notice,
but you're not drinking, Percy.

That would violate my parole,

just like you guys are doing.

[police siren]

[door breaks open]

You backstabbing son of a b*tch.

God help you next time
you're in the joint,

we'll carve up your a*s.

At least I have a clear conscience.

One thousand, two
thousand, three thousand.

Narrator: Percy took the reward money

and bought a suit, tie, and briefcase,

and went off to start his new
job at the slaughterhouse.

Percy even started doing charity work.

Every week he'd bring
a jar of bull testicles

to the orphans' home.

Go start the car son.

Narrator: Kevin pulled out a Slim Jim

to break into the car.

Whatcha doin', you silly youngster?

You don't have to break
in, I bought the car.

Narrator: Kevin was in shock.

Something just wasn't
right about all of this.

That's when the courier showed up.

Mr. Spencer, because
of the wonderful things

you've been doing with your testicles,

you've been invited to
receive a humanitarian award.

Narrator: The day of the award ceremony

was the strangest day of Kevin's life.

The only time he'd ever been to City Hall

was to apply for a pardon.

Now he was watching the
old man get an award,

and it didn't seem fair.

After all, Mom was the only person he knew

who could snore and burp at the same time.

[Mom burping]

But she wasn't getting any recognition.

It's an honor and a privilege

to present all these fine humanitarians

awards for their good service.

As a surprise in their honor,
they will all be receiving

communion from none other
than Cardinal O'Leary.

[triumphant music]

As the TV cameras rolled,

Percy got on his knees, center stage,

ate a communion wafer, and
drank some sacramental wine.

[Mom snoring]

[Mom gasping]

In recognition for your generosity

in offering your testicles
to needy children.

[Percy gulping]

Narrator: Kevin noticed the old man

hadn't stopped drinking the wine yet.

Okay boy, you're not the
only thirsty humanitarian.

[dramatic music]

Get your own damn booze, big-hat.

Narrator: The old man didn't much care

for anyone trying to hone in on his booze,

even if it was Cardinal O'Leary.

He figured he'd teach
God-boy a thing or two

and sucker-punched him in the stomach.

I don't think so, you inbred freak.

[light kicking sound]

Ooh!

My Percy, he's back to his old self!

Get him baby!

[punching sounds]

Narrator: Kevin realized
that Dad was normal again,

and that was good news.

Taking a swing at the Cardinal
wasn't real good thinking

because that meant Dad
was headed back to prison,

where Charlie and the
other guys he'd squealed on

were waiting to give him a
non-consensual prostate exam.

Kevin figured that was good news,

because when you're a sociopath,

incapable of feeling any emotion,

all news is pretty much the same anyways.

Kevin and his dad had been spending

a lot of quality time together,

because their cells
were only 20 feet apart.

They were both in the joint because

they'd broken into a neighbor's garage

to rip off some empties,

and decided to steal the car
because it was already running.

On their way home, Kevin
had gotten so cranked

on bad Mexican vodka he
thought he saw two bridges.

Which wouldn't have been so bad,

except he picked the wrong one.

The cops would have thrown the book at him

if his car hadn't landed
on a smuggling boat

carrying a cargo of uncut
Peruvian black hashish.

Because they caught the smuggler,

the cops took it easy
on Kevin and his old man

and gave them time served plus

a mandatory visit to a
substance abuse day seminar.

This seemed like a sweet deal,

but Kevin and his dad were
alcoholic chain smokers,

so even the three days in holding cells

still caused horrible DTs and withdrawals.

The hash smuggler, on the other hand,

was the only one not
suffering any symptoms.

Uh, excuse me, I demand a phone call

and some more nachos.

Narrator: As soon
as they were released,

they were sent to the drug seminar.

As part of health education week

and in conjunction with the good people

at Blind b*stard scotch whiskey,

we're gonna show you the
scourge of society today, drugs.

Isn't liquor a drug?

Not exactly, sort of, never mind.

Ladies and gentlemen, these are drugs.

[dramatic music]

He's not lying, they sure are.

[table crashing]

This is the part of the seminar

where you learn just what kind of damage

drugs do to your body.

Welcome to the Liver Hall of Fame.

Narrator: Kevin looked at
all the impressive livers.

He didn't know who Hunter S. Thompson was,

but he hoped that some day,

he'd have a famous liver just like his.

Pay attention people,
this is your brain.

And this is your brain on drugs, get it?

[eggs sizzling]

I don't get it.

Here boy, he did it wrong.

This is really your brain on drugs.

[spraying]

[bag inflating and deflating]

Now you're gonna find out

the real face of drug abuse.

[Percy screaming]

You'll meet a man who hit rock
bottom and ruined his life.

Meet Bill X.

I was so addicted to crack cocaine

that I used to have sex with men

just to support my habit.

You're a lyin' f-in tool.

Who'd have sex with a fat pig like you?

Hey you b*stard, I was the
hottest meat on the east side.

East side of my a*s maybe.

You're dead, you mo-fo.

[energetic music]

Uh, question here, I have sex with men

because I enjoy it, does that mean

I'm a high risk for drug abuse?

Narrator: Kevin's dad
and the addict duked it out,

and the noise could be heard all through

the community center, even next door

at the stop smoking clinic.

You can stop smoking
today, and to prove it,

let's meet a couple of
success stories right now.

Let go, prick.

You and your rotten kid get outta here.

I've signed your probation
papers, now get out.

Narrator: Percy was off
to celebrate his probation

by finding some way of breaking it.

But Kevin was already gone.

He'd grabbed the rest of the Percodans

from the beginning of the presentation

and had stolen Timothy Leary's liver,

to see if he could squeeze
anything good out of it.

[squeezing sound]

[dance-type music]

[dramatic music]

Narrator: Bull was an
armless, legless, heroin addict

that met Kevin in Ward 5.

He'd lost his limbs because of gangrene

and now could only get around

by pulling himself on an old skateboard.

It was all the government
health insurance could afford.

I told you, I have a
plan to get us out of here,

I'm serious, no fooling.

First you go to the elevator.

And then when the security
guard comes up with the food,

pretend you're sick.

And I'll hide behind the curtains

and then when he comes in I'll [mumbling].

Narrator: Kevin tried to
listen to Bull's escape plan,

but it sounded sort of complicated.

Years of substance abuse
didn't help his attention span,

so instead he came up with
an escape plan of his own.

He kicked Bull's skateboard really hard

so that it rolled through
the third floor window,

[window crashes]

leaving a huge opening.

[Bull screams]

[alarm blaring]

Then he took all the tape
from the patients' hands

and made a rope that allowed him

to slide out the window to freedom.

[alarm blaring]

At least, that's how
it should have worked.

[alarm blaring]

Hey, give us our tape back.

[alarm blaring]

[dramatic music]

Narrator: Kevin woke up and noticed

something was different.

His new cellmate was
trying to eat his leg.

Kevin wasn't sure what
the hell was going on,

but he didn't much like it,

so he tried to run away.

Crazy Billy was almost right on top of him

when a loud noise rang out
[shot sounding]

[Billy screaming]
and Billy fell to the ground

screaming and holding his stomach.

The guards must have heard Billy screaming

because they'd come down
to see what was going on

and they'd shot him in the
stomach with a rubber b*llet.

Then he and the other guard took turns

introducing Kevin to

their new prison-issued steel-toed boots.

[guards laughing]

Right before Kevin blacked out,

he got to thinking that the whole thing

was the cannibal's fault.

Kevin decided that when he got better,

he was gonna learn that

dumb flesh-eating b*stard a thing or two.

He figured that oughta
straighten things out.

[upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪