02x04 - Malled By a Dog

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Don't like it, never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a teen smoking,
alcoholic, sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

- This is the 12th time
we've had to give you a drive

home, you little reprobate b*stard.

Have to hand it to you,

you're the first kid I've ever
seen set fire to a parade.

Why don't you just give up
you broken-headed idiot?

- [Narrator] Kevin decided
he'd ignore the cops.

Mostly because the cough
syrup was kicking in and

he was having a hard time
piecing all the words together.

It was spring time, and
Kevin was excited because

when the snow melted, he
usually found about $80 worth

of empties in the backyard
which was as close to having a

job as he was ever likely to come.

Once when the snow had melted,

Kevin and his dad found a dead raccoon.

- Hey boy look at me, I'm Davy Crockett.

[screaming]

- [Narrator] Kevin thought
he might like to have another

pet of his very own.

Kevin had never had much luck
with pets, because the voices

in his head kept making him k*ll them.

He briefly owned an alligator,

but that didn't work out very well either.

Kevin was older now,

so he thought maybe
things would be different.

The next day, Kevin went
to the Humane Society

and got a cat named Schmutzig
which the clerk said was

German for dirty.

The cat had been abused
and really hated everyone.

So Kevin thought he'd give it a try,

since they seemed to
share the same world view.

The cat wasn't much fun,
because all it did was

hide under the couch and bite
anyone who tried to touch it.

- That thing stays
under the couch all day.

It ain't right in the head.

- [Narrator] One day
Percy started the car,

and that was the end of Schmutzig.

Kevin noticed that the sound
the cat made when it was being

k*lled was kind of
onomatopoeic with its name.

Kevin was as a sad as sociopath could be.

He decided he'd ask his parents
if he could get another pet.

- Backyard getting kinda full already boy.

- You leave him be.

We'll go to the mall

and see what's at the
pet store later baby.

Can't you see the boy's
trying to reach out

and share his love?

Now everyone shut the hell
up, I'm watching my show.

- Maryellen, I must tell you, the truth.

- Not if the truth will destroy us, Brock.

- [Narrator] Will Chad's
memory return in time

for him to stop the wedding?

Will anyone notice how long
grandpa's been in the attic?

What tragic secret does
Maryellen keep in her composter?

Find out on the next Labyrinth of Lust.

- And don't forget ladies,
especially you young ones,

that I, Brock Brickleydale,
will be making a celebrity guest

visit to the mall on glamorous
Highway 7 this afternoon.

I'm gonna sign pictures and
make your dreams come true.

But mostly sign pictures.

- Oh my god.

What I wouldn't give to have
him to have him frig my joint?

Oh go start the car Percy,
I'm gonna go freshen up.

- Get a load of this boy.

- Hey as*h*le, what did I just tell you?

- I just opened a new one.

- I'm gonna open a new
hole in your g*dd*mn head

if you don't get your a*s in gear.

- Go to hell.

- Look you son of a
b*tch, momma's got daddy,

so you got two choices;

you take me to mall or you take me to bed.

- [Percy] I always like going
to the mall coz it reminds me

when I was a kid.

- It's not just a bicycle son,
it's a revolutionary new toy.

The Jimmy-Osman folder
bike, give it a try.

- They had to sew three of my
fingers back on after that.

- Hey, you're still barred
from this mall till you pay

for that claw machine you broke.

- That thing ripped me off,

f*cking stuffed bunny
rabbit was mine you prick.

My bunny, mine!

- Alright buddy, it was your
friggin bunny, big deal.

Go in. Just shut up!

- Hi ladies, I know
who you're here to see.

That's right and Brock will be
right out after we treat you

to this two-hour fashion show
of our latest spring lines.

What is today's woman wearing?

Pretty much any damn thing we tell her to.

And that goes for this chichi combo.

Some skanks of Hollywood.

It's a beautiful faux suit
business suit that's comfortable,

easy to clean and all the
pockets are waterproof

for you bulimics who just
can't find a bathroom.

Imagine how this fashion statement

will carry you through the day.

- Baby, that dress makes
you look so pretty it's like

making love to a way
better-looking woman than you.

- Oh you sweet man.

- I haven't seen a woman
that professional-looking

since the court appointed
one to defend me.

- Oh jolly.

- We're cutting off your welfare.

If you can afford clothes
like that, you don't need it.

- [Narrator] Percy and Kevin
were exploring the mall,

when they noticed an attractive
woman with a clipboard.

- I'm Leanne from the mall
credit card department,

and if you agree to
what I'm about to offer,

you're 12 months away from
total financial freedom.

- If you agree to what I'm offering

you're about nine months away from twins.

- I'm talking about a credit card sir.

With our super special air
mile value card, you can buy

clothes, gas, save for a vacation,

and you don't even have to pay for a year.

- I don't need no credit card
to get stuff without paying.

As it is, I'm wearing five shirts

I put on in the change room.

- [Narrator] Kevin had spent
his whole life watching his old

man fail with women and it
was getting pretty boring.

So he figured he'd go to the pet store

and teach the parrot to talk dirty.

- Quit staring at me
you ugly son of a b*tch.

- Kevin figured he'd pass on
the bird, because he got enough

of that kind of talk from
his parents and teachers.

- Ah, f*ck you too.

- You can't buy them rats boy.

Those are the ones we feed the snakes.

Have you ever thought
about owning a snake boy?

Great pets, women go crazy for them.

Like, you'd be the most
popular kid in school,

only the coolest people own snakes.

You know like strippers and bikers.

- [Narrator] The idea of
being cool and popular

really appealed to Kevin,
until he saw the price.

- Alright ladies, here's the
man you've been waiting for,

Brock Brickleydale.

[women screaming]

- Hello girls, I wanna make love

to each and every one of you.

Attention ladies, I'm
only here for an hour,

so let's start signing.

- Me first, me first.

Oh Brock, how I love you.

When my Percy and I are doing
it, I usually think of you.

Well, sometimes I think of Larry King but,

oh that's a nasty one I
won't tell you about that.

- How charming. Next.

- I don't think it's a sexual
thing, though I bet you got no

problems in that department huh?

I bet you're hung like a...

- You know ma'am, there's other ladies

who need my attention.

- Oh just move it sister.

- Don't you worry Brock,
I know how to handle them.

- Look lady, we can't just stand
here talking all afternoon,

other people have rights.

- Oh you're right Brock,
is this your sly way of

asking me out on a date?

Here let me give you a sneak
peek of the dessert menu.

- Oh, I'm getting the f*ck out of here.

- Hey, Brock's getting away, stop him.

- I don't like the looks of
this, code nine, code nine.

We'll meet in the parking
lot in o.27 seconds.

- Pete's Pets proudly presents

a panoply of peculiar pedigrees.

It's our annual show of amazing mutts.

These creatures have evolved
over time to define specimens

you see before you today.

Here's Constable Walt to
introduce you to two cop dogs

who are top dogs.

- Hilarious.

Hi kids, these little puppies are named

Slash and Reaper, they
wanna be your friends and,

for god's sakes don't pet them!

I mean, they're not pets.

Slash and Reaper can dismember

a thief, rider or libertarian
in under a minute.

Watch what they do to that attack dummy.

- Hey Walt, we didn't
bring the attack dummy.

Remember, it didn't fit into the car.

- For the love of all
that's holy, help me!

- Wow, wasn't that wonderful folks?

Now let's see what other
canines have right wuff.

Oh don't forget, this show
is sponsored by Pucker,

the only dog toy that actually smells

like another dog's an*s.

And now, here's the Afghans.

These beautiful hunting dogs
used to be the pride of their

species, until selective
breeding rendered them

the stupidest mutts on the planet.

- Hey boy, you find yourself a pet yet?

- [Narrator] Kevin told
his old man about the snake

and that it was just too expensive.

- Never stopped us before.

- [Narrator] While everyone
was distracted by all the

excitement of the dog show,
Percy snuck into the pet shop.

- [Percy] A few of these,
some of these, few of these.

- And now folks, the river dance.

- Here boy, put this in your shirt.

- [Narrator] Kevin
didn't know what to say,

he wasn't used to the old
man being nice to him.

The only other time it happened
was when he had fallen from

the roof and broken
both his arms and legs.

Percy loaned him a quarter to call 911.

- I just wanted to see if I could do it.

Your old man's still got the touch.

- I saw Brock, it was magical.

We gotta go home so I
can write him a letter,

I think I really got his
mojo working yeah baby.

- That guy could afford
any prost*tute he wanted,

he wouldn't give you the time of day.

- Alright mister you're coming with me.

I saw you slipping a snake
to someone over there.

- Percy?

- That's not what he means Ma.

This prick's calling me a thief.

- You're on the surveillance
camera pal, caught red-handed.

- Now give her Ma, give her.

- Screw the boy, let's get outta here.

- At least I got you, you little b*stard.

- You ain't never gonna learn are you boy?

- Hey those kids don't look
old enough to have beer.

- Okay kids, set the booze down slowly.

I'm letting you off with
a warning this time.

- What'll we do with the evidence?

- Same as always.

- Sorry about the pit stop
kid, but we've got a bit of

unwinding to do and it's not
like anyone will really believe

you if you told on us anyway.

- Dear Brock, I'm sorry we
didn't have a chance to finish

our conversation.

I've enclosed a little
something to remind you of me,

the next time you're
feeling hot and bothered,

I know that you're afraid to
share your true feelings for me

because I'm married but
if you just say the word,

I'll have that fat b*stard
k*lled so we can be together.

Oh baby yes.

- Well that's just perfect,
toaster's stuck again Ma,

give me a fork.

- I'm busy, go feed the snakes
so the boy's got something

to look forward to when he comes home.

- Can't find it, it took off.

- Well do something useful,
I gotta get to a mailbox.

- When you come back, bring smokes.

- Can I see your driver's

license and registration please sir?

- Certainly, is there a problem?

I'm a tourist from the United States and--

- g*dd*mn immigrants, come
into our country and taking our

jobs, well I'll teach you to drive

with a burned-out tail light.

- Hey you can't do that.

- Get the dogs partner,
we got us an immigrant.

Out of the car kid, you've
learned your lesson.

Don't be an immigrant, resist
an arrest and try to take

somebody's job on my beat.

- [Narrator] Kevin told Walt
that being a corrupt cop,

working with the K unit
looked really cool.

- You can't become a cop if
you have a criminal record.

The trick is not to break the law

until after you're part of the union.

But I suppose if you wanna
work with mutts that bad,

I might have an idea for ya.

- Your old man lost your snake.

- [Narrator] Kevin told
his mom that it was okay

because he had a new pet.

- Oh Jesus, not another freaking dog.

- [Narrator] Kevin was
volunteering to train

guide dogs for the blind.

That way he'd get a new
pet every few months

and he would never be bored.

Kevin named the dog
Amunsden, because he enjoyed

its boring goals.

After a few days, Kevin realized
that training a guide dog

was a whole lot more
work than he'd imagined.

He had to stop at every
intersection and waiting for a green

light sure wasn't as exciting

as tearing apart an american tourist.

Then he decided there wasn't
any reason he couldn't train

the dog to do all the things
police dogs did, even more.

The first thing he set out to do,

was to train it to find beer.

[tires screeching]
[dog chunking]

Then he decided he'd
teach the next guide dog

how to find beer.

Soon he taught the dog how to
live a typical evening in the

life of Kevin Spencer.

♪ You're my friend ♪

♪ And I'm your friend ♪

♪ It's a wonderful world ♪

♪ To be together ♪

[barfing]

- Hi baby, Brock Brickleydale here.

Listen this whole soap opera
thing's getting too much.

The fans are too weird.

Can't you get me something
respectable and original?

Huh?

A Canadian version of
that American show when

animals attack?

What's the Canadian twist?

When animals don't attack?

Kinda lacks something.

- Here's your fan mail
for today Mr Brickleydale.

- On the table Maggie,
I'll get back to you later.

No maggie, put the mail on the table.

- Sorry Mr Brickleydale.

- Panties, panties, panties,
adult diapers, nude picture

of woman, nude picture of
woman doing something obscene,

panties, death threat from
angry husband, men's boxers,

death threat from Courtney Love?

Hmm must be the wrong address.

Panties, panties, hmm,
what the hell's this?

Will arrange accident for husband.

Whoa, ugly, homicidal, I've
included something in case

you're hot and bothered.

Better be cookies.

- I'm here to complain about
the guide dog you sold me.

I asked little Pepper
to take me to the bank,

and instead he took me to a prost*tute.

Now I lost my social security cheque,

and my virgnity, well I guess
I can kiss heaven goodbye.

- [Narrator] Kevin asked
why the hell the guy was

complaining about one stupid mistake.

- One mistake?

The damn thing cleared
out my liquor cabinet.

And already maxed out
my credit cards on 1-900

phone sex numbers, guess the
little dog must be pretty

excited to see you again.

Either that or you just
spilled a drink on my shoes.

Wrong again, you got
any doggie treats kid?

- [Narrator] Kevin asked the
blind man why he was feeding

the dog a treat since it would
simply act as a pavlovian

reinforcement of his bad behavior.

- Coz once I figure out
which is the front end,

I'm gonna kick his little
a*s across the living room,

and yours too you little twisted freak.

- Kevin, Percy, I have
something important to tell you.

I just talked to my telephone
psychic and she says today

is the day for second chances.

- Alright, so that means
we can tear one off now?

- No, second chances for me.

I'm leaving you, I'm
going to Hollywood to ask

Brock Bridleydale to marry me.

If he says yes, I'll be the
happiest woman in the world.

If he says no, I'll just hang
out in his shrubs, break into

his house when he's not there.

- Damn it Anastasia, how
could you do this to me?

I oughta go down there and
smash this pretty boy's face in.

But seeing as I just
sat down and everything,

I guess the better man won.

It's hard to say goodbye
Ma, so let's just say

don't let the door hit you
on the a*s on the way out.

- I'll miss you too Percy.

Now, who could that be?

- Mrs Spencer, you're under
arrest for the stalking

and attempted m*rder
of a famous celebrity.

Since it was a celebrity, then
you'll probably be undergoing

a show trial, we suggest you phone

your publicist immediately.

- [Narrator] Kevin saw an
opportunity to put his dog's

training into action and save the day.

- Let me go, let me go!

- Attacking a police officer eh buddy?

Ha, well I don't care how blind you are,

you're heading downtown.

- But I didn't do it.

- Oh baby, you saved me.

- No he didn't, we're still here

and we're taking you downtown with us.

- Percy save me!

- What the hell for?

At least I'll know you're
not out whoring around

with some TV star.

Hey boy, now that your old
lady's gone, we can watch some

good quality programming.

- [Male] Up next is hooker squad.

- You better fill up the
cooler for this one boy.

- [Narrator] Kevin decided that
it was probably for the best

if he never owned a pet again,
unless he built it himself

out of spare parts he
found on the highway.

Then he sat at the kitchen
table and started stabbing

between his fingers with
a knife really fast.

[upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

- [Male] My bunny, mine.