02x05 - In Like Plunt

[bunniefuu]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[lazy music]

- Where the hell you think you're going,

you fat-a*s son of a b*tch?

- I'm just leaving for
a few days on business.

- Daddy's jumping bail.

Jumping bail.

Hey, if you come back, bring smokes.

- [Narrator] Kevin hoped his
dad would come back someday,

because he didn't like
the thought of being

from a single-parent family.

Or out of smokes.

- What do you figure goes on his head

when he drifts off like that?

- I don't know, maybe nothing.

Could just be that he's stupid.

- Yeah, could be.

Well thanks for everything. See ya.

- Hey, are you coming back or not?

- What for?

- Me and the boy.

- Maybe I'm figuring I'm
finding someone better

than you and having a normal one.

- You're lucky you got to marry me.

And that only happened
on account of me being 15

and impressionable and knocked-up.

- Up yours, fatty.

I could do way better than you.

- Without me the only
thing you'll be doing

is your hand.

- At least my hand don't

stay out of daddy's paint, boy!

At least my hand don't
keep banging my friends.

- I got needs.

- You're gonna have more
than that in a minute!

- Bring it on, c*ck-sucker!

[dramatic music]

[rooster crowing]

[yawns]

- I'm telling you, he left yesterday.

And I don't know where the bum went.

- Yeah, sure lady.

Come out of that closet, Percy.

Fine. We'll do it your way.

Open fire.

[g*ns sh**ting]

- [Cop] Nothing suspicious in here.

Whoa, hey.

Hang on, who's the pooch?

[emotional piano music]

- Oh, ain't he cute?

- His name was Ollie.

Kevin k*lled him when he
was ten, but he didn't get

in no trouble because the doctor said

he had mental problems.

- Come on partner, let's
get out of this piss-hole

before we catch something.

- He wasn't here, Plunt.

We want our money back.

- Hey, I already spent it on tattoos

if I find him I'll let you know.

- Yeah. You do that.

[shouting]

- Rest your beer on it between sips.

It'll help the swelling go down.

So what brings you around, Charlie?

- Anastasia, you know
how I feel about you.

I want to take you on a
vacation to Niagara Falls.

[crashing]

- Look at him go, Charlie!

[laughing]

Get them demons, boy! Get 'em!

[laughing]

Hey, watch this.

In the backyard, boy! Go get 'em!

Go get 'em!

[intense music]

You ain't got enough
money to take me nowheres.

- My student loan came through!

- You got into school?

- I sure am.

I'm taking broadcasting
at a career college.

I'm gonna learn how to be one of them

fancy strip club DJs.

That's right, boys!

Let's have another round
of applause for Portia!

And remember, Portia's
trying to get her citizenship

so don't skimp on the lap dances.

- Sounds good, baby.

We'll leave tomorrow, as soon as I cash

my mother's allowance check.

[birds chirping]

- Hey'd you finish packing, yet?

- All set, baby!

Come on Kevin, let's go!

- Awe, you're bringing him?

Niagara Falls is a place for romance!

Not babysitting.

- Maybe you ain't never
heard of a designated driver?

- Are we stinking ya, here you go boy.

Now me and your mom will
be in the back making love.

[romantic music]

- Pay attention, boy.

Charlie's got manners.

He opens the door for me, and
he don't calls it f*cking.

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

- Hey, f*ck you! I've had enough.

- Hey Kevin!

You gotta watch out at these
highway rest stops, boy.

They're big cruising hangouts
for them g*y sexuals, hey?

- Yeah, Kevin.

You could end up being
someone's love doll.

Like your old man was for
that Filipino g*ng in prison.

We'll be inside getting some beers.

Washrooms are that way.

Hey, Charlie.

See that look on his face?

- The classics never die.

[birds chirping]

[smooching]

- Every time I try to
make a pass, I choke.

Like sometimes I feel like the only thing

I know how to do is suck.

- [Man] Don't be so hard on yourself.

Not a lot of guys can
make a pass like you.

- Did you see the way I
went down on that big guy?

He won't be walking straight for a week.

- I hardly saw anything.

I kept getting ba*ls in my face.

- Whoa, what's that guy's problem?

- Dunno.

Lots of weirdos in these highway stops.

My dad says it's a big
g*y hangout at night.

- Nah, you're thinking of the
bus terminal, or so I've heard

like from around.

Never mind.

[upbeat music]

- Now, y'all may not know this about me,

but I was born right
near that very mountain.

Whoever my real mother
was left me at the base

of the mountain as a
ceremonial offering to her god.

I was found by a drunken old mountain man

who took me to his cabin
and raised me as his son.

Then one day, the wood
alcohol that made him think

he was Jesus, and blind as Ray
Charles, finally k*lled him.

His liquor-soaked clothes
caused his bloated corpse

to explode into a tempest of flame.

But it's the good times
I remember, mostly.

A few days later I was
discovered wandering the woods

by some nice people who'd fled society

to start their own ideal
of peace and contentment

in the forest.

I lived with them until I got busted

for smuggling a few
measly M16 as*ault r*fles.

It turns out I was the lucky one, though

because the feds hunted
down the rest of my family

and shot 'em up!

Shot 'em up good!

Ever since then, I've been pretty much

just scamming welfare, and
passing bad checks, you know.

But now, let me tell you about the time

I k*lled a zoo elephant with my bare hands

and a bump action shotgun.

- [Narrator] Charlie's story
was hurting Kevin's head.

Because it was diametrically
opposed to his attention span.

Kevin wanted it all to stop,
so he figured he'd swerve

into the next oncoming transport truck.

[engine revving]

Kevin figured that would
straighten things out

and make the voices go away.

- Geez.

I can't believe we made
it this far with no DUIs.

- Lady luck has blessed our union.

You know, I do believe
I feel a song coming on.

♪ Gonna put it through my sweet love ♪

♪ La-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da ♪

♪ Dee-Dee-Dee-Dee ♪

♪ Better than that fat prick Percy does ♪

[laughing scornfully]

- Be a good boy, Kevin.

And if you get lost, try and
find your way back to the hotel

with smokes.

[laughing]

Jesus H!

Ain't you had enough for one day?

[laughing]

- I forgot you undone my pants.

[laughing]

- What the hell are you looking at?

Don't you get it?

I whacked him off, and he
forgot to do up his pants.

That's funny!

Ah, forget it! You can
all go f*ck yourselves.

Come on, Charlie.

[upbeat music]

- Hey sweetie, how would
you like a picture of us

going over the falls in a barrel?

- I'd love one, Casanova.

- Great. Give me 20 bucks
so I can pay the guy.

Come on, come on! He's waiting!

Anastasia, I've been
waiting to ask you something

and I think that now's the time.

- Charlie, why can't
you say this to my face?

- It's easier this way, Annie.

Why don't you just leave
Percy and set up with me?

- Gee. Leave Percy? I don't know.

You're gonna have to
offer me something better.

- [Charlie] He ain't near the man I am.

- I got the boy to think about.

The courts will try to
stick him with me, you know.

[camera flashing]

- Here's the Owl Waxman suite.

- You said it had a heart-shaped bed.

- Anatomically speaking,
it is heart-shaped.

- What about the jacuzzi?

- It's over there, but the motor's busted.

So all you can do is sit and float.

[laughs]

- I don't think we're gonna
have time for no hot tubbin',

because when you have love, you don't need

no fancy bathtub.

- You both sicken me.

Enjoy your stay.

- Oh, Charlie! It's so romantic!

A lovely view of the falls,
a hot tub, and free porno

on the TV!

- Anastasia, have you
thought about my offer?

- I don't know.

Sure, Percy ain't the greatest,
but it's the little things

that I love.

Like when he forges my
signature on a welfare check.

He always dots the eyes
with little hearts.

- Dammit, Anastasia!

It's time you made a choice!

- Charlie! I've never
seen you act like this!

You took your hat off and everything.

You don't even do that during sex.

- I can't help it sweetie,
you're the cream in my coffee!

The pork in my beans!

- Come here, sweetie!

- [Narrator] Kevin had
only been in Niagara Falls

for three days, but he was already bored.

Charlie and his mom hardly ever
left the hotel room at all.

Kevin didn't much like the idea of Charlie

becoming his new dad, so he
decided to sort out the problem

the only way he knew how to
deal with any emotional crisis,

by sinking himself into a
haze of alcohol and gambling,

just like his dad did.

- Hey boy, you got any smokes?

[glugging]

- [Narrator] Percy was
almost as drunk as Kevin

had ever seen him.

And whenever he started talking
he would burst into tears,

so Kevin made sure he asked
him a lot of questions.

- I know I don't seem like it some days,

but I really like keeping
time with your old lady.

[glugging]

Trade you some complimentary
drinks for a complimentary

tour of my pants?

- Go take a bath, you fat drunk b*stard.

Besides, you're cut off.

- Don't worry boy.

I figured they was gonna
cut me off sooner or later,

so I been filling this
garbage bag with booze.

Help me carry it out of here,
and don't act suspicious

or nothing if we get caught.

I don't know you, I was just
helping you carry your bag.

[upbeat music]

[sniffing]

[mumbling incoherently]

I love your mother boy, I'm telling you.

I love her. She's a good
woman and she loves me.

- [Narrator] Kevin asked
him how he could still

have feelings for a
woman, even after she kept

having sex with his friends.

- She's just more woman
than one man can handle.

I'll tell you this though
boy, she always could

make me laugh.

Like that time her Ben Wa ba*ls fell out

when she was talking to your principal

during parent-teacher night.

[laughs]

Jesus Christ I laughed
so hard I lost control

of myself and pissed my
pants in front of everyone.

Remember that, boy?

The time daddy peed himself in front

of your teachers and friends?

Them was good times, boy.

Good times.

[snoring]

- Look at him go.

Get 'em boy! Get them demons!

Geez, I think you almost
got 'em that time.

Atta boy, slugger!

Hey I got an idea, son.

Let's you and me paint
this f*ck' town red.

Hey look everybody, Galileo's a f*g!

- Welcome to the hydroelectric
dam, Niagara Falls'

ninth most popular tourist attraction.

- What's the eighth?

- The lymphoma cluster
left behind in the wake

of a love canal chemical spill.

- What comes before that?

- I don't know.

Does anyone other than the
fat drunk have any questions?

- Well I was just asking.

You can kiss my a*s, mister.

Guy goes getting all jacked up over--

[grunts]

[clears throat]

- This dam creates
electricity from the force

of the mighty Niagara river.

It can even turn the
waterfall off downstream.

Watch.

- I made it! I'm alive!

I'm alive!

[water crashing]

- Just a little reminder of
man's superiority over nature.

Now move along quietly and
tell no one what you've seen.

[funky music]

- What the hell's going on?

[police talking over radio]

Be quiet yourself, you little freak.

Ah, sh*t cops.

I don't know what we've done

but let's get the hell out of here.

You got any smokes, boy?

[horses neighing]

Get in, boy!

Get going, you stupid zebra.

- Hey, that's our buggy.

- Ah. I only had two payments left.

Well we could take a cab, but
then our lord would smite us.

[police sirens wailing]

- Keep going, you stupid f*cking mule.

- We have two suspects,
and are closing in.

One matches description
of APV for Percy Spencer,

wanted on a nation-wide warrant.

- Ah Jesus, they're catching up.

[shouting]

In here, boy!

- Dammit, they could be anywhere!

- Wait a minute.

Did JFK have the two-headed
goat? Or was that RFK?

Get him!

- Quick boy, jump in
the back of that truck!

- Dammit! We lost them. I am sad.

- It's okay partner.

Come on, let's go coerce
a couple of hookers

into having sex with us.

That always cheers you up.

- We're here live on the shores
of the mighty Niagara River

to watch an awesome sight.

Today someone plans to go
over the falls, and survive.

[shouting]

- Hi there, Lucy!

Let's hope I have more luck than that guy!

[laughing]

- I'll say.

But seriously, Stan.

What do you say to your critics who say

your stunts are just the
actions of a good-for-nothing

loser who never finished
school and is just doing it

to get the attention he
never got from his parents?

- Well I say they're just
a bunch of mother [beeping]

who can go [beeping]
themselves and take a good long

[beeping] on my Texas [beeping].

- The words of a hero,
ladies and gentlemen.

Stan, you've achieved many amazing feats,

and we've got footage
of just a few of them.


over a row of school buses.


over a row of motorcycles.


your 24 year marriage

and amazingly, just one
month later, you jumped

into bed with a New Brunswick
prost*tute named Jocelyn.

Stan, where did you get
this taste for death?

- It's the rush, Lucy.

I do it for the rush.

And the endorsement deals.

- How do you plan to survive?

- I'll be using the same custom-designed

heavily insulated barrel that I used

in the prost*tute stunt.

They're taking it off the truck right now.

Let me show you what it looks like inside.

- Hey, I'm kinda hiding
from the cops in here, pal.

Get your own goddam barrel.

[grunting]

- [Stan] Come back here
you f*cking amateurs!

[splashing]

- Oh Jesus, we're gonna die boy!

You got any smokes?

[grunting]

[birds chirping]

- Way to chicken out, p*ssy!

- Up yours, you son of a b*tch.

You got any smokes, boy? Mine's all wet.

[police sirens wailing]

- [Cop] There they are, let's get 'em!

- Come on, boy. Let's get out of here.

[dramatic music]

Sweet. Let's get out of here.

Hey Charlie, how's it going?

- Uh, not too shabby.

How about you?

- Me and the boy are on vacation.

Getting some time away from
my fat slob on an old lady.

- Not the g*y as*h*le!

You best watch your mouth, you fat drunk!

- Geez, I can't leave you
alone for five minutes.

And you Plunt.

- Oh, that's just perfect.

Now how the hell am I gonna get home?

- Charlie left his pants.

Hey we could use his
credit card to rent a car.

- Oh, okay.

- So I guess this means
we're back together.

- Oh, I guess so.

- I'll take you back,
but you gotta promise

to stay the hell away from Charlie.

- [Anastasia] I ain't
gonna promise you nothing.

- [Percy] Kiss my a*s.

- [Anastasia] Kiss my a*s!

- [Percy] No, why don't you kiss my a*s?

- [Anastasia] Why don't you kiss my a*s?

- [Percy] Why don't you kiss my a*s?

- [Anastasia] Why don't you kiss my a*s?

- [Percy] Kiss my a*s.

- [Anastasia] You kiss my a*s.

- [Percy] Kiss my f*ck' a*s.

[punching]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

- [Man] I'm alive! I'm alive!