[upbeat music]
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪
[beep]
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪
♪ Sociopath ♪
[light flute music]
[gentle music]
- Today's topic is freedom of speech.
Who can tell us about free speech?
- If free speech really exists,
how come I can't tell you to go to hell
anytime I want?
- You make a germane point Timmy.
True freedom as you'll discover,
while your insubordinate
soul rots in detention,
is mostly an illusion created by
the new world order to
placate a naive public.
Now we're gonna have a school assembly,
so I wanna see all of you lined up
in alphabetical order
in a nice straight line.
[clacking footsteps]
- Welcome students and
parents and teachers.
I have wonderful news.
Because our school has canceled so many
of our arts programs, we
qualify for financial assistance
as a trade school.
[cheering]
So I'd like you to meet our new friend
from Dreamland Cable Systems, Mr. Groom.
[audience booing]
- Students, as part of
our program to ensure
advertisers reach younger and
younger children every day,
we're giving your school internet access
and donating a new multimedia lab.
- A computer room.
- [Crowd] Oh.
- It will be located in the library.
- The big room with all the books.
- [Crowd] Ah.
- Let's all go there now.
[gentle music]
- [Man] Hey kids, look at
all these great computers.
- These all suck.
My VCR has more memory than
these junked up calculators.
What do you think Spencer?
What kind of computer
have you got at home?
[beeping]
- I just stole this
arcade game off a truck.
You need to get a high score
and then write your name, see?
- [Narrator] Kevin thought
computers were exciting.
He wondered about what other fun things
you could do with them.
[elevator music]
[smashing glass]
The more Kevin thought about it,
the more he figured that
whoever knew the most about
computers would be able to rule the world
with a brutal and unforgiving iron fist.
Kevin figured he better start learning as
much as he could about
computers right away,
because he didn't have much time left
since most of the men in his family
died of liver failure or heart
attacks in their mid 40s.
[upbeat hip music]
- You seem to really like
that computer Spencer.
Well don't get your hopes up.
If you survive to
adulthood, you're not gonna
be the next Bill Gates.
Cheryl Gates maybe, but not Bill.
[keyboard clanking]
[upbeat hip music]
- [Narrator] Wasn't long
before Kevin realized he could
use the computer and modem to
do some pretty cool things.
Reprogramming the town's traffic lights,
the airport's air traffic control systems
and even the school's sprinkler system.
♪ Yeah ♪
[upbeat music]
Finally Kevin decided to ask the librarian
if he could take the computer home.
- Can't your parents afford a computer?
I'm afraid you'll just have to get it
the way you get everything in life.
Hard work, elbow grease.
No one gave me anything on
a silver platter young man.
I worked for it, and look at me now.
- [Narrator] Kevin came
as close to laughing
as a sociopath can,
but then he thought about
what the librarian said.
So he scrimped and saved
every dime he could,
until he had enough money to buy
the best lock picking kit he could find.
Then he broke into his neighbors' house
and stole their computer.
He also stole their digital video system
and several bottles of Jack Daniels.
Because of the Jack Daniels,
Kevin's interest in
computers lagged for a while
and he went on a two week bender.
[gulping]
- Boy you're really hammered.
Don't worry I'll make
sure you get home safe.
Oh I think that hooker's lookin' at me.
Maybe she'll toss me a freebie.
- This is an SXD motherboard
with three inputs
and a 400 megahertz code processor.
- That's nothin'.
I just got an unreleased
intel prototype scanning
tip for barcode readers.
- [Narrator] Kevin didn't
wanna feel left out,
so he showed them the
really neat toilet brush
he'd found under some discarded syringes.
- Spencer you really don't know anything
about computers do you?
Do you even know what a hacker is?
- [Narrator] Kevin wasn't sure
what being a computer hacker
meant but if it involved
hanging out in dumpsters
it couldn't be all that bad.
- 2600 is the World Hacker Organization.
It's for anyone who believes
freedom of information
applies to everyone and I'm a--
- Timmy, Timmy, [laughs] time to go home.
Hurry sweetie.
- Jeez mom, I'm kind of on a roll here.
We meet first Friday of every month.
See you there.
[gulping]
- [Announcer] Stolen credit card numbers,
get 'em while they're valid.
Stolen card numbers.
Cell phone scanners for sale.
Stolen card numbers.
Cell phone scanners for sale.
- Hi you must be one of
those computer hackers
who meets here every month.
I'm a complete stranger with
no government affiliations.
May I see your wallet please?
Spencer, huh?
And is this your correct
social insurance number?
Thanks, enjoy the meeting.
- [Narrator] Kevin learned
all sorts of things
at the meeting.
Like the difference
between words like hacker,
freaker and most of all loser.
- This is what free speech
is all about my friends.
Information people have a right to know.
Now, who's got the forged bus passes?
Watch this.
See.
Just take the battery off
this old Motorola cell phone.
Put this tin foil over
these two leads and viola.
You can scan other calls.
- Ay Bersy, guess what?
I just stole this guy's
cell phone from his coat
while he was having a leak
at the tavern. [laughs]
- I just heard a rumor that cell phones
cause brain damage.
My name, Arch Duke Frances Ferdinand.
- Can you believe the nerve of that cop?
A $50 fine for using my
cell phone while driving.
I'm gonna [screams]
- Oh my baby's home.
How's about you give
your momma a nice kissy?
[smooching]
Hey where the hell you goin',
you ungrateful little b*stard.
- Hey ma, I got you a sandwich.
- Where'd you get it?
- Subway.
- Ah you shouldn't of bought me anything.
- I didn't buy it.
I really found it on the subway.
Just brushed the dirt off it.
I wouldn't eat the foamy part though.
- [Narrator] Soon Kevin was
so interested in technology,
that he was going straight to his room
to do his two favorite things,
pay homage to his Pagan God Rodgecon
and then work on his computer.
One of the first hacker experiments
was to reroute all the 911 calls in town
to his own house.
Just to piss the old man off.
[phone ringing]
- Yeah, you've been shot?
[laughing]
Someone set fire to your house?
[laughing]
Smoke another one buddy.
- [Narrator] Unfortunately
it seemed to have
the opposite effect
and after a while Percy
started to look forward
to all the desperate phone
calls. [phone ringing]
- Yeah, your husband
swallowed a bunch of drugs?
Are there any left?
I'll be right there.
[signals sending]
- Sir it looks like someone's rerouted all
the area to one number.
Probably some hacker
screwing around again.
- I tell ya, if it wasn't for g*n laws
I'd have every one of these little
cyber vandals shot.
- Freeze Spencer.
- Hey boy, tell your
mother I'll be back later.
- I think he'll be kind
of busy Mr. Spencer.
He's under arrest.
- Whatever, next time you see her.
[birds chirping]
- Oh my god, thank heavens you're here.
- What's a hot babe like you doin'
with an old fart like this?
- What, what are you talking about?
- Nevermind, where's the drugs?
- He took a handful of
them a few minutes ago.
He hasn't been the same since Jack Perkins
stopped hosting Biography.
- Mmm, these are pretty good.
- You don't look like a paramedic.
- I ain't.
But I can save him on account I overdosed
on this stuff myself once.
The bottle was the same color anyways.
- Thank god.
- Maybe after I save your husband,
you and I can grab a pork
breakfast at the diner.
- Just save him please.
- [Percy] Okay, okay,
you gotta make him puke.
Need some milk and mustard.
- [Narrator] Percy gave
the man the amedic,
but he didn't throw up.
Then he rolled the guy on his side
and showed him what years
of smoking and drinking
did to his tongue.
[puking]
- You saved him!
[upbeat music]
- Maybe a few days in
the joint will teach you
not to use computers
to cause trouble, kid.
- Hey Spencer, so they nabbed you too huh?
They're all pissed off at me
because I phoned the presidential hotline
and did the old Robin
Hood by the bag joke.
But I ain't stayin' in this dump.
I'm one phone call away from freedom.
- [Narrator] Kevin said
Timmy's lawyer must
be pretty good and asked
if he could use him too.
- Lawyer? [scoffs]
I never needed one of those.
- Okay kid, it's time
for your one phone call.
[phone dialing]
- Ah it seems we've made an administrative
error young man,
you were supposed to be released days ago.
No hard feelings?
- Try it Spencer, it's easy.
No prison in the world can hold me.
[evil laughs]
I'm the king of the world!
- [Narrator] Kevin tried the same trick,
but for some reason he could only
get the toilet to flush.
- What do you police think you're doing?
Don't you understand this
Spencer boy is one in a million.
He's a genius.
Kevin all this time,
I thought you were a violent sociopath.
I didn't realize you're
an unchallenged genius,
but now I will give your mind
the challenges it craves for.
It's what, it's what my
late wife would've wanted.
- [Narrator] Kevin told Doctor Goodwill
that his late wife was probably
a cruddy old skank.
- You have a point there.
Farted in her sleep too.
Oh the stink.
Anyways, because of you
super computer genius brain
I've arranged a number of job interviews
for your bold new future.
- Here at the National Security Agency,
we'll be challenging your potential
with the finest computers in the world.
You'll be working with algorithms,
differential calculus,
super strings, chaos theory
and the electromagnetic
warping effects of bureaucracy.
So the question isn't why should
you work for the NCA Spencer,
the question is why shouldn't you.
- [Narrator] Kevin thought for a moment
and then he told the prick to f*ck off.
- Here at the Canadian
National Security Agency,
we deal with issues of
critical importance eh?
Like making sure the pencils are sharpened
and the printer's always full of toner.
- [Narrator] Kevin
thought this sounded like
a much more laid back job
and then he told the prick to f*ck off.
The phone company had told Percy that
they wouldn't be able to fix
the phone for a few days.
So Percy was still getting wrong numbers
from people with emergencies.
[phone rings]
- Someone tried break into your apartment?
You're staring at the
people at your front door?
No problem.
Just get a screw driver and
hold it up to the people.
When you see the guy put
his eye up to the hole,
oh wait I got another
call on the other line.
Yo, 911 here make me laugh.
- Ay Percy it's Charlie.
How's it feel being a big old hero?
- Pretty sweet.
I haven't had to pay for
a drink in three days.
I'm famous.
- You should get yourself a costume,
like a real super hero.
- There's an idea.
Oops got a call on the other line.
Yeah?
Yeah?
Gotta go Charlie.
Apparently some kid's on fire somewhere.
No way I'm missin' this one.
- Kevin I've arranged all those
wonderful job interviews
and you turned them all down.
If you don't do something to prove
you can use your computer
skills for a productive purpose
I'm going to have to resign
your custody back to the courts.
Your school's annual
science fair is coming up.
If you do a project about computers,
I might be able to keep you out of prison.
- [Narrator] Kevin tried to think about
what kind of science project he could do.
- Ladies and gentleman,
this is definitely an exclusive product
that we're offering to you
for only the next two hours.
The world's first computerized couch.
Had one too many?
Got a bad case of the bed spins?
Now you have the only couch that spins
in time with your bed spins.
So it seems like you're
lying perfectly still.
[farting]
Pee-yew, someone ate way
too much of the corn roast.
No worries, the couch has built in filters
that mask the smell
and a computer timer that tells you
when they need to be changed.
- Well I can't stay here all day,
gotta get some smokes.
- Feel like going to the store for smokes?
- Well what do ya think I
just said, you stupid prick?
- No need to get off the couch.
[upbeat music]
- Kevin, Kevin are you there?
Come on Kevin boy.
Kevin, you stupid violent sociopath.
Kevin wake up!
[hiphop music]
- What are you looking at?
Did you see anything?
You better not.
What do you want?
- [Narrator] Kevin said he needed
an idea for the science fair.
- Idea huh?
Well why don't you do a science project
about how sick the internet has become?
Every twisted mind in the world out there
purging their perversions.
They say that the net's
supposed to make us free.
Yeah free to see the darkest side
of human nature every day.
- [Narrator] Kevin thought
about it for a while
and thanked the librarian for the idea.
♪ Who's that coming to save the day ♪
♪ The nicotine stains and drunken sway ♪
♪ Got some mistaken on his hand ♪
♪ He's the Drunken Welfare Man ♪
[gulping]
[burping]
- [Narrator] Percy was
getting awfully caught up
with the idea of being a hero.
So much so that he even
made himself a costume.
- What's that?
An emergency?
I'll be right there.
- [Narrator] He soon discovered that the
type of emergencies that
people typically have
aren't really worthy of a superhero.
- Okay what's the emergency?
- He gambled away our welfare checks.
And when I told him to get out,
he drank everything in the house
and tore the place apart.
- No problem, I can help you, wait here.
♪ Drunken Welfare Man ♪
Here you go.
I stole a bunch of new
liquor from your neighbors
to replace the stuff your boyfriend drank.
- I didn't want more liquor,
I just wanted him put in jail.
- Make up your friggin' mind.
No wonder the guy can't stand ya.
- Hey, hey no one talks
to my woman that way but
hey you aren't drinkin' all
that booze by yourself, are ya?
- [Narrator] Percy got
drunk with the boyfriend
who got so wasted he passed
out from alcohol poisoning.
- Well my work here is done.
♪ Drunken Welfare Man ♪
[gentle music]
- [Narrator] It was the
day of the science fair,
and Kevin was programming
as fast as he could
to be ready for the judging panel.
The competition was pretty stiff.
- By hooking electrodes
to this frog's brain,
I can make parts of his body move.
First, the legs.
Then, the arm.
And finally, the body.
♪ Oh no my baby don't you worry ♪
♪ Da da da da da da da da da da da ♪
♪ We can do it all night long ♪
- I'd like to dedicate this
rocket launch to my brother,
who's right now in hospital
with first degree burns
after helping me test the last one.
I know first degree
burns don't sound as bad
as third degree burns,
but hey it still burns right?
[expl*si*n]
[screams]
It happened again!
Someone get help! [screams]
- And what's your exhibit young man?
- Yeah Spencer what'd ya come up with?
- [Narrator] It was
Kevin's turn to be judged.
Kevin said that his entry was a new form
of computer virus called the
Spencer Morality Algorithm.
The virus spread to every
computer it could find,
and scanned its content.
If it found porno, r*cist
material, t*rror1st plans
or any other ill*gal information it would
report back to Kevin's computer
and make a list of the names of the people
in the community who
were breaking the law.
- That's amazing Spencer.
Let's see the results.
- No, no, not so fast there Mr. Big a*s.
There's certain civil rights
that are being broken here.
- Nonsense.
Spencer?
- [Narrator] Sure enough,
the head librarian's
name showed up on the list.
- That's your name Everton.
- Alright, so maybe I was planning
to b*mb some corporations.
And why shouldn't I?
They're playing us like a bunch of stats
while they get rich.
- Come on Everton.
You just need a vacation.
Oh my god, he's got a dowel rod.
Everybody stand back, stand back.
But you might get flecked.
- That's right.
I'll fleck every last g*dd*mn one of you.
Don't believe me?
- Ow.
Ouch, hey that hurt ya b*stard.
- All those years watching other people
getting promoted over my head.
It should've been me,
but no I wasn't born
of education material.
- [Judge] He's getting away.
- [Narrator] The librarian
was about to make his getaway
in a solar powered car,
but unfortunately the vehicle
was so low to the ground
that the other cars had trouble seeing it.
- Someone called 911 and said there
was another stupid kid on fire.
- You, you ran over the librarian?
- Really, well what
the freak was he doin'?
I thought it was just another
handicap parking ramp.
- Don't be sorry.
You're a hero Mr. DWM.
- That's Drunken Welfare Man to you.
- Hi again Spencer.
I'm that guy who never gave you his name,
who's not affiliated with the government.
Quite the little machine you've got there.
You don't mind if these
federal investigators
borrow it for a while, do you?
Along with all the plans and schematics.
Good kid.
If anyone asks, we never met, bye.
- [Narrator] Even Kevin was surprised
by how much interest his little
computer program had generated.
Especially since he had made
the whole thing up anyways.
There was never any virus.
Just a CD version of the town phone book.
But that didn't stop the authorities
from going on a witch hunt
that ruined many people's lives.
- [Announcer] And now a message
from Drunken Welfare Man.
- Stay out of my friggin' yard,
or I'll break your f*cking leg.
[burping]
♪ Drunken Welfare Man ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪
[upbeat music]
[long beep]
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ You better not cross his path ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ He's a chain-smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪
♪ Sociopath ♪
- [Man] He's got a dowel rod.
Everybody stand back, stand back.
Or you might get flecked.
[light music]
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