02x13 - The Stripper Strikes Back

[bunniefuu]

[ska music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

[bleep]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain-smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[car horn honks]

- I'm afraid I can't
honor your cheque, sir.

- Jesus H. Christ I got
I.D. and everything.

- Sir, you have well-documented record of

defrauding this institution.

- Yeah but this is a
real government cheque

I didn't use the copier
at the library or nothin'.

- Sir, if you don't
leave, I'll be forced to

treat you in an even more
condescending manner,

thank you.

- [Narrator] Percy hadn't had much luck

getting his welfare cheque cashed

on account of him having a record for

fraud longer than an Oscar speech.

- I don't know what to do, boy.

The liquor store won't
be open much longer.

We need money.

Hey maybe we can sell our passports again.

- [Narrator] Kevin suggested
they try cashing the

cheque at Jimmy's Pawn Shop because Jimmy

was usually pretty flexible when

it came to that sort of thing.

[bell rings]

- How's it hangin', Spencer?

[Chuckles]

- Lower every day, Jimmy.

- Touche, what brings you in?

Gonna try and pawn me
another stolen wheelchair?

- Me and the boy are on
our way to get booze,

figured id stop off at the
pawn shop and visit my stuff.

See boy, there's Daddy's
old butterfly knife

what I stole from the w*r museum.

And there's where your
old skateboard went,

in case you was wondering.

And remember how Mom's
always bitchin' about how

someone stole her accordion?

- That was the first thing
you ever pawned here, Percy.

- Old lady didn't leave me no choice,

I was sick of burying
it in the f*ck' yard.

- Practically that whole
wall is stuff Percy

brought in, there's your old pool cue.

- Old Woody, that brings
back a lot of sweet memories.

- It's a beauty of a stick, Percy.

- Its autographed by that
dead porn-star, John Holm.

Damn I wish I had my old
Woody in my hands right now,

We used to have some good times.

- Quit shittin' on my lawn
youstupid f*ck' mutt.

- Okay, Spencer, it's been
nice reminiscing with you,

but if you're not gonna buy
nothin' get the hell out.

- C'mon, Jimmy, cash my welfare cheque

so's I can go to the liquor store.

- Yeah right, good one Spencer.

- Fine, I'll remember that Jimmy.

We'll see the next time
you need somethin'.

- Fine, we'll see.

- f*ck' right we will.

- Whoa!

What do we have here?

Trying a little five
finger discount, Spencer?

- Kiss my a*s you son of a wh*re,

you can't prove nothin'.

- Yeah, well let's take a
look at the security tape,

you fat prick, I've locked the door

so you boys ain't goin nowhere.

[slams]

[electricity]

[screaming in pain]

- Now, let's see this tape.

- I'll do anything to get
my leather outfit back,

Anything.

- Great here's a shovel
and an old oven mitt,

I want you to-

- Uh, you didn't see that.

- Hand over the money or
you're toast, Jimmy-boy.

[screams]

- [Jimmy] Here comes your bit now.

- That don't prove nothin', unlock

these cuffs so I can bust
your face open, prick.

- Fat chance, I'm gonna phone the cops

and have them throw your a*s in jail.

- Jail?

But I'll miss the liquor store.

- Hmm, maybe we can
come to an arrangement,

I need some little b*stard
to do all my sh*t work

around the pawn shop, how's about

I borrow yours for a few days?

- I don't care.

- Then it's square, no harm done

but this is the last time I'm
cutting you a break, Spencer.

And I'm only doing it on account

of I'm a recovering alcoholic

who's made a few mistakes in life

but I also know what it
means to get a second chance.

That's why I'm gonna let you go and why

I'm gonna cash your stupid cheque.

For 60 cents on the dollar of course.

- Yeah, great whatever, bye.

So long, boy.

[door slams]

- Okay, Kevin, I need all these pawned

hearing A*DS cleaned and disinfected

for our big hearing aid blowout tomorrow.

- [Narrator] Kevin wasn't too happy

about being treated like a sl*ve,

so he set to thinking about how he

could get a hold of the old man

and straighten things out.

[Chuckles]

- Now I get to keep all
the booze for myself

and the boy has to work.

Percy, you's a genius.

[yelling in protest]

On strike?

Christ, when did that happen?

- As of noon.

All brewery and liquor store employees

and managers walked off to
protest privatization, eh.

It was in all the papers, eh.

- I don't read too good.

- And on television too, holy geez, buddy.

What are you, Some kind of idiot?

- [Narrator] Percy stopped for a second.

Perhaps he was briefly
aware of the irony of

having a bunch of striking brewery workers

refusing to sell him
the very substance that

had left him brain damaged
in the first place.

- Just gimme some booze, prick.

- Sorry, buddy, call your member of

parliament and demand action, eh.

- [Narrator] Percy said
that's just what he'd do,

then he tried to run
across the picket line

but the strikers caught
him and forced him back.

Then he tried to ram
through the picket line

with a shopping cart and
the picketers beat him

three ways sideways,
stuffed him in the cart

upside-down and kicked it down a hill

[grunts]
[crashes]

- Oh well, might as well get pissed

at the peeler joint again.

[ska music]

- All right, kid, good
job on the dental plates

but I'm gonna need you to suck the excess

dish water out of the hearing A*DS later.

- [Narrator] Kevin asked
if he could leave now

since all this work was seriously

cutting into his drinking time.

- Not yet, kid, now I'm gonna teach

you all the behind the scenes secrets

that makes a pawn shop work, looks like

your old man ain't gonna give you a

chance at a normal productive life,

so I'm gonna do it, on account of

I'm a recovering alcoholic and I wouldn't

be where I am today, if someone

hadn't given me a few breaks.

You see, kid, the thing about booze is-

- Oh sweet Jesus, make
the man shut up, boy.

Make the man shut up!

- [Narrator] Jimmy started
almost every sentence

talking about how he
used to be an alcoholic

and recounting the boring stories of his

personal triumph over addiction.

- And that's why they
won't let me bring my dogs

to the carwash anymore so don't

make the same mistakes I did, kid.

Now I want you to dig
through that trash bin

and bring me the carbon paper from every

credit card transaction we had today.

I sell a list of the numbers
to some folks in the states.

- Nice DVD player, is it stolen?

- No way, I swear it was a gift

I just didn't like the color.

- Didn't like the color, that's rich.

This is important, boy, here's how

to run a check on an item
to see if its stolen.

[beeps]

Oops!

Hey, this unit isn't even supposed

to be in this country you see

this is good because now
that I know it's hot,

I can screw him for any
price that suits me.

[chuckles]

- Excuse me but you're talking
like I'm not even here.

- So what the hell are you
gonna do about it, punk?

Call the cops?

I'll give you 30 bucks
for the piece of sh*t

and I'm still taking
a beating for the cost

of unloading it somewhere
in the third world.

Manitoba or somethin'.

- 30 bucks?

Hey, there ain't nothin' wrong with that

and yet I thought you said
you were gonna screw me.

- Our transaction is completed.

[bell rings]

- [Narrator] Even though
Kevin hated working

because jobs are for assholes,

he was kind of happy because he and Jimmy

shared the same taste in literature.

And Kevin had access to a wider variety

of g*ns than even he knew existed.

Unfortunately, Jimmy kept
all the a*mo locked up

so Kevin could only imagine the empowering

convulsion of a cold blue steel .44

magnum discharging in his hands.

- Hey boy, over here.

sh**t me, boy, sh**t your father.

I'm a deer for f*ck's sake.

[dance music]

- All right, boys put your
hands together for Crystal.

Coming up in a minute is
another stripper named Crystal.

Followed by Christelle and finally,

the stripper formerly known as Crystal.

Hope you're enjoying your

evening here at the Camel Toe Inn.

We're the best in town,
because we're run by bikers.

- Hey buddy, how you likin' the show?

- I ain't got not money
for no table dancer

so f*ck off!

- Hey, bud, I understand
where you're comin' from,

buying liquor in bars
gets pretty expensive.

- Liquor store's on strike so now

I gotta pay 6.50 bar prices for this here

Hawaiian beer they shipped in.

At least I hope its Hawaiian.

- They don't care about you, do they?

What about your needs, your feelings?

Let me buy you a pitcher, pal.

- Damn straight, I'm Percy.

[snaps]

- Percy, I saw how you handled yourself

with those strikers and I like your style.

- They got lucky, I beat
up a crossing guard once.

[glugs]

- Percy, we've gotta
stop this liquor strike

and I think you're the guy to break the-

uh, help resolve this issue, by the time

you're finished we can all get back

to getting pissed at noon if we want to.

- Who the hell's up by noon?

Hey that sounds like work.

- It is, would you like to see

what a thousand dollars looks like?

- Deal, what do I gotta do?

- This is list of license plates for

car's whose tires I'd like slashed.

And this is a list of people
to phone with death threats.

Keep the pressure on Percy, and we'll

be stocking up the fridge in no time.

[cheerful music]

- [Narrator] The next
day Percy got to work

on his new job as a strike breaker

and began phoning in his death threats.

He was already in a pretty sour mood

since for some reason he hadn't been able

to get it up since last night's dinner.

- Looks like you finally
reached that age, Percy.

Ha, you got no more
stream in your asparagus.

- Shut up.

Look through that bag of
drugs and see if I might

have stolen some of that Viagra,
mean time I got work to do.

- People are getting a hard dose

of reality these days, sober reality.

The continuing liquor
store strike is having

wide reaching ramifications
throughout the city.

- Hello, is this Ira Collins?

This is Percy Spencer, if you don't

stop striking I'm gonna come
over and make you sorry I did.

I suppose that means I'm gonna kick

you in the face or somethin'.

That's right, Percy D. Spencer.

Up yours too.

- How do you feel about
the liquor store strike?

- Well I mostly feel
bad for people who don't

know how to cope during this crisis.

In my case I can just huff some paint

or call some drug dealers and I'll

find a way to muddle through.

What about the older people?

The seniors who don't have drug

connections, how will they cope?

- They'll probably receive prescription

medication from tax-payers.

Really?

Lucky b*stards.

- Hello, is this Mrs. Osgood ?

This is Percy Spencer, if you don't

stop striking right away
and sell me some booze

I'm gonna come over and
make you sorry you did.

No I'm not sellin' nothin', I'm saying

I'm gonna come down there and hurt you.

You're busy?

Sure, can you call me back?

Five five five, three eight oh nine.

- I find being sober has been a wonderful

opportunity to rediscover
our relationship.

- Nothing like two weeks off the sauce

to remind me how I married the biggest

washed up nose-picking
couch potato on Earth.

- Yes, well, perhaps
if this marriage wasn't

a suffocating repetition of formulaic

sex and karaoke nights,
I wouldn't be waiting

in front of the television to die.

- If you don't like the
sex, find someone else.

- What do you think your sister and I

have been doing for the last month?

At least she knows how
to share her feelings.

- I suppose she shared
here herpes with you too.

- Herpes?!

Well at least I feel something.

- Hello, is this Javier?

Hey, hombre it's Percy Spencer.

You know, 12 tall boys
and a 40 to go, that's me.

Listen, I gotta ask you
to stop striking or I'm

gonna come down there
and stab you in the face.

[man yelling on other end of phone]

- Don't go getting all
snippy, it aint personal.

- Even the visiting Russian
circus has been affected.

[speaks foreign language]

[circus music]

[ska music]

- [Narrator] Kevin was putting deodorant

pads in the old roller blades,

when Jimmy came in for the
high point of his month.

- Its time to flip over
the new calendar pages.

[sensual music]

- [Narrator] Kevin asked
which one the woman

with the snake around her was from.

- That aint no calendar,
Spencer, That's my mother.

On account of I'm a recovering alcoholic

I'm still trying to piece together

the forgotten parts of my life.

- [Narrator] Kevin
asked Jimmy why the hell

he always started his
stories talking about

how he used to be an alcoholic.

- Funny story really, you see,

on account of my being
a recovering alcoholic,

I tend to make it the
whole focus of my life.

To really understand, you have
to know my whole life story.

[g*n clicks]

I was born in 1957 and
given the name Jimmy Jugs.

I took my last name from my mom,

a Northern Manitoba
stripper named Jenna Jugs.

Mom wasn't rich, so she worked her way

through most of the pregnancy and her

climactic belly-flop finale was renowned

from Whitehorse to Deep River.

The only change to her act was the sign.

When I was finally born, mom raised me

as her prop master, I was the one

in charge of all the stuff she

brought on stage during the act.

Sex toys, restraints, a giant
champagne glass you know.

Finally, mom saved enough
to buy a huge python.

Then came that horrible day,
I forgot to sedate the python.

[screams]

- Oh my god!

Jenna Jugs has been
k*lled by a giant snake.

Jenna won't be available
for table dances, boys

but give her a big hand anyway

and keep it going for Crystal.

- [Jimmy] The audience
stuff the body bag with

five-dollar bills in her honor.

- Please, let me just
have one more look at her,

I need some closure-

[horrified scream]

Oh god, get it away from me, gross.

- Jimmy, I have two things to tell you.

- Give it to me, Doc.

- Your mother's dead
but we saved the baby.

[baby crying]

- I had no idea mom was pregnant

again and now she was gone.

The club retired her table from the

champagne room and
suddenly I had a sister.

I tried to raise her as best I could

but without mom's income it wasn't easy

and I was hitting the bottle pretty hard.

- Jimmy, tell me about mom.

- Our mother was a wonderful woman,

and angel, a saint who sacrificed
everything for her kids.

- When I get older, I'm gonna

become a stripper, just like her.

- What?

There's no way you're becoming a

two-bit floozy like that old wh*re.

[glass breaks]

- You can't tell me what to
do, you're not my father.

- Nobody knows who your father is,

nobody knows who either
of our fathers are.

If it wasn't for the fact that we both

have webbed toes and a vestigial tail

we couldn't even prove we're related.

Mom slept with every oil drill worker

north of the friggin' tree line.

No, no, no, you're gonna be a stock broker

or one of them telephone psychics but I'll

be damned if I see you
end up in a peeler joint.

- I don't care what
you say, I have dreams.

- It soon became obvious that I couldn't

look after her and soon she deserted me.

I climbed inside a bottle for 11 years,

by the time I sobered up I had a lucrative

fronting operation which evolved

into this pawn shop, that's my story, boy.

Listen, you been working
hard and I want you

to know the joy of having
something you earned.

Pick something out of
the store for yourself.

- [Narrator] Kevin asked
if he could have some

of the a*mo they were
talking about earlier.

- Uh, why don't you let
me pick something, kid.

- Here she is, all the way from

Deer Lake Manitoba, Crystal.

- Anonymous death threat means

people aren't supposed
to know who you are.

- I aint following you.

- You've been telling everyone your

name knock it off, you idiot.

- What'd you call me?

- I said have a beer, you earned it.

How's the tire slashing going?

- Really good, I've been watching

where they park their cars when they go

on strike in the morning, then I go

up to their tires and carve 'em up good.

- Ah, okay listen, don't carve your name.

- What about smearing my name
in dog sh*t on their windows?

- Keep your name out of everything,

just threaten them and vandalize.

Here, let me buy you a table dance.

Hey, Crystal.

- I don't see the point of vandalizing

something if you can't take the credit.

- Do you wanna see that
thousand dollars, Percy?

- [Narrator] Jimmy gave Kevin a cool

bike for his work at the store,

it was a retro 70s
banana seat high-bar with

front forks, an automatic
gear shifter on the crossbar

and built-in playing cards in the spokes.

Jimmy had said that earning the bike would

make him feel a sense of pride

but being a violent
sociopath with no inherent

ability to feel anything,
he simply wondered

if he could use it to crush toads.

Kevin asked the old man what
he was doing in the shed.

- Tore one off with
this here stripper last

night, I didn't want
your mother to catch me.

- Yuck, you owe me 80 dollars.

- 80 bucks?

I couldn't even get it up.

- Yeah but on account of I'm a recovering

nymphomaniac who shouldn't have ever

been doing this in the first place,

I need some money for therapy and-

- [Narrator] Kevin told the stripper there

was something real familiar about her,

especially her webbed toes.

- Hey stop trying to get
it on with my stripper,

in fact you and your fairy bike

can get the hell out of here.

Yeah, listen do you
take post dated cheque?

- [Narrator] Kevin
walked back to the house

wondering if he should introduce Jimmy

to his long-lost sister, it was the sort

of thing that would make
people real emotional

and if there was an
outside chance Kevin wasn't

a sociopath, it might
have been worth a try.

But just to make it interesting he decided

to blackmail Jimmy with the information.

- Hey, Kevin, tore one up with your mother

last night and I didn't
want Percy to catch me.

- News is all over town,
the liquor strike is over.

Within the first few
hours of the announcement,

the town was celebrating and people

were cheering in the streets.

After a few more hours of drinking,

people were screaming and being

beaten savagely in the streets.

Several tenements had
to be put to the torch

and three police cars
have been flipped over.

- Hey spencer, I was just waiting

here to pick off a few rioters.

- [Narrator] Kevin told
Jimmy all about his sister.

- Let me get this straight, you tell

me how to find the
long-lost sister I haven't

seen in 17 years and in return I

let you have the afternoon off?

No dice, chump.

[police sirens]

- I wanna buy my old pool cue back.

- Cash up front, Percy.

- Fine, yeah you can bring it

with us to the strip
club, fella's paying me

because it was me who
stopped the liquor strike.

- I haven't been in a strip club in years,

on account of I'm a recovering alcoholic,

who'd rather not be in places like that.

- You saying my booze
aint good enough for you?

You f*ck' piece of garbage.

- I don't drink, I'm a
recovering alcoholic.

- Oh, well just this one
time won't hurt you none.

[dance music]

[men cheering]

- Id like to propose a
toast, here's to stickin'

it to management where
the sun don't shine.

- Wow, this brings back so many memories,

will a girl still dance on your table

for 50 cents Or has that gone up?

- [Narrator] Kevin was about to tell Jimmy

everything he knew about the thongs

and ping pong ba*ls when Percy

recognized his mysterious employer.

- There's the boss,
hey boy, I can't afford

a table dance til I cash this guys cheque

so go tell the DJ it's my birthday

so's I can get a free one.

I'm here for my money.

- Yes, but the strikers won the

negotiation so the deal's off.

- You said I'd see a thousand dollars.

- Yo, mister White Tr*sh this cuff link is

worth more than a
thousand dollars, see it?

- [Narrator] Just as Percy
was fixing to tear the

man a new arsehole, the DJ piped in.

- All right, we have a
birthday boy in the house,

I want to hear you give
it up for Percy Spencer.

[crowd cheers]

- I'm not finished with you, you

backstabbing prick, a deal's a deal.

- Percy Spencer, folks, he seems to have

a birthday every time he comes in here.

- Percy Spencer?

That's the son of a b*tch who said

he was gonna beat up my wife.

- Yeah he phoned me house
and said he was gonna

drown my kids and spread
rumors about me being fruity.

- All right, Percy, here's a

little something for last night.

- Give it to me, baby.

[screams]

- That's what I think
of your double endorsed,

post-dated cheques, you
dead-beat son of a b*tch.

- Why, she's got webbed toes.

Sis, sis it's me, Jimmy.

- Jimmy, my long lost brother, Jimmy?

- So, you grew up to be a stripper

and a prost*tute, just like mom

and now you've slept with Percy Spencer,

how you been doing otherwise?

Other than him, not bad.

- [Both] I guess it's on
account of me being a recovering

- Alcoholic
- nymphomaniac.

- Percy, this is the
happiest day of my life

and I owe it all to
your little rugrat here.

You can have your pool cue back, buddy.

- f*ck' prost*tute
kicked me in the nuts.

- That f*ck' prost*tute
has a name, mister,

Crystal, Crystal f*ck' Jugs.

What, you mean there's a stripper

who's name really is Crystal?

- C'mon, sis.

- I bet those two are gonna do it.

- [Narrator] Kevin told the old man that

they shouldn't do it because
they're brother and sister.

- If it wasn't for brothers
and sisters doin' it,

you'd be shy a few cousins but hell I got

my pool cue back and everybody's happy.

Hey what are you fairies lookin' at?

[grunts]

[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain-smoking
alcoholic sociopath. ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

- [Anastasia] Looks like you've

finally reached that age, Percy,

You got no more steam in your asparagus.